By right, i should be feeling happy, accomplished, and tired out of my mind right now. by left, i'm not really feeling anything like that, except for a little of the last one. let's figure out why.

talking about "happy" will take a significant amount of words, so i'll save that for last and work on the other two first. actually, they're kind of linked, because they both are related to the judo training camp. for this training camp, i honestly expected more from the students. it's excusable that they're not as fit as we'd like, because that's one of the purposes of the training camp anyway. but they just don't have the discipline/sense of urgency that we had. it's because of the change in coaches, and hence the kids are under someone with a totally different coaching style. there are conflicting views about this...personally, i feel that while the new style is good due to stronger rapport between coaches and students, it could use some more old-school discipline. but some other seniors feel that welfare is ok, since the kids are winning more medals now than we did in my time. that's a perfectly acceptable point of view, provided that winning more medals is a proven direct consequence of increased welfare. there could be many more reasons why we're winning, like there's talent now that wasn't there before, or the current opponents they face are much weaker than the ones that we face. so, until the cause-effect relationship between welfare and results can be proven, i'm sticking to my point of view.

as for the camp itself, it was more like a chalet kind of thing. i mean, since when were you allowed to order in for koi (bubble tea, not fish) halfway through training camp? once again, welfare. but i have to understand why the coach does this. last year, she went tough on them, and 4 out of 5 sec 1s quit. or maybe it was 3 out of 4...can't remember the exact numbers. so, i can see why she wants to tone things down. i just feel so irritated when they do half-assed exercises. on many occasions throughout the camp, i remember thinking, 'we did twice/thrice/*insert some factor* as many push-ups/sit-ups/*insert name of exercise* in our training camp! surely you guys can finish this up at least!??' in retrospect, i think i now know how our seniors felt when they came back for training camps when we were students. i bet similar thoughts were running through their heads when they watched us train.

facilitating for the camp wasn't that easy too. it's difficult when the students try to step all over you, and you don't have free reign to put them in their places. just because i'm a nice senior, it doesn't mean that you can ignore my instructions (unless the coach supersedes me). if i had my way, i would have turned them all out last night for not sleeping on time. but on the other hand, coaching theory and safety regulations forbid that. not to mention that i would hate it if someone did that to me, so it can't look too attractive from their point of view either. i bet that some (if not all) of the juniors hate me even more now that i've had to yell at them multiple times throughout the camp. lest you think i'm being too sensitive, i can already feel some juniors' attitudes becoming colder. while it can't be helped, i hope that those who feel that way are in the minority, and that i won't have to interact with them that much. the worst case is, they raise the issue to the coach, and i'm asked not to come back for training, which is something i have taken into consideration, and drafted the necessary contingencies for. but i doubt it'll come to that, since the coach and i are on relatively good terms, and there's room for discussion.

now to talk about unhappiness. several things have contributed to my sucky mood, like someone's behaviour, my results, and the weather. once again saving the best for last, let's do them in reverse order.

weather...not much to say. rainy weather = sucky mood. clear enough?

signing up for NUS's push-SMS service might have been a mistake. my results came in early in the morning, but i was too busy tending to injured juniors to read it. when i finally opened the message, it was already past 10:00am. my grades are as follows:

biochem — B
philosophy — B
inorganic — B-
organic — B-
freshmen seminar — S (pass, but not counted in CAP)

not a single A in the bunch. this has caused my CAP to drop from 4.1 to 3.72. to make things worse, the module i had the least confidence in happened to be this semester's CAP-saver. worst thing is that both my chem core modules did worse than biochem. for shame! goes to show that studying is useless, and that i should just guess all the answers to the exam questions. at least a B average will give me a CAP of 4. i'm really quite puzzled by this semester's results. maybe there was an error somewhere in the calculation, or they left out a page of answers. whatever the case, i doubt i'm going to ask for a review. too much trouble. so, i guess this means that i have to work WAY harder next semester. no more skipping lectures on account of laziness.

last (and most significant) thing causing my anger. this thing isn't really a thing...it's a person. it also happens to be the person for whom i would go out of my way to do things. it's illogical; if it were anyone else taking my kindness for granted, i would have given up bothering a long time ago. as i dropped that person off in front of their block, i felt this strong urge to stop, get out of the car, and do something drastic. it's just so...infuriating!!  i'm now questioning whether i actually love this person in the way i think i do, or whether i'm simply convincing/deluding myself that i love them. it's extremely annoying. i think i know how Grace (of Bruce Almighty fame) felt when she prayed for the ability to stop loving Bruce. transcribing the audio from youtube, the relevant part goes something like this, "i still love him, but i don't want to love him any more. i don't want to hurt any more...please, help me forget. please, help me let him go. please, help me let him go."

i want to let go of that person too, but it's difficult, all factors considered. i just wish i could find it in me to analyze this from a purely objective point of view, with zero interference from personal feelings. at any rate, i've promised myself to drop that person a private facebook note (which i will write after publishing this) clearly explaining how i feel about them. then, we'll play by ear from there. i wonder what the worst-case scenario for this one will be, though? can't be worse than the one above, right?

-random thought of the day: What if someone doesn't appreciate the things you do for them?-

Training camp is in another 1.5 days, and in all honesty, i don't feel fit enough. well, at least i have the slight protection of "senior" status, and lots of time to recover from any aches and pains. but even having said that, i won't abuse my status, and will still try to push myself during training.

now, to update about the past few days. watched iron man 2 on monday night. it was pretty good, though i think the final fight scene could have been longer. plot was decent, though some significant plot details (and the after-credits scene) were spoilt for me already. as usual, i found myself fascinated with the level of technology portrayed in the movie. i think we're still quite far off from interacting with holograms and speaking to machinery. if the accuracy of youtube's audio-caption transcription is anything to go by, we have LOTS of room for improvement. but as i think i mentioned when talking about the first iron man movie, i'll be happy if it happened sometime while i'm alive.

so...that was monday. saw genius girl again on tuesday, where we proceeded to talk about benzene and 3 other reaction mechanisms. somehow, i think i'm taking too much for granted with her. i keep forgetting that she may not know some of the stuff that i would consider basic knowledge for an A-level student. in her case, it's justifiable, because she's sec 2. perhaps i should use the next session to confirm what she knows and doesn't know respectively.

after that, i dropped by NUS to photocopy the grading syllabus. for a holiday, it was surprisingly difficult to find a parking space. guess i underestimated the number of people taking the special semester. speaking of which, i've decided not to do any special semesters as far as possible in my stay in NUS. unless, of course, the situation arises where i need to pass just one more module to graduate and would like to not waste a regular semester's time. but that's still far in the future, so we'll wait and see if/when it happens.

yesterday was training day. surprisingly, yet another senior showed up. he claimed that he was out of shape, but he still seemed able to do most of the stuff in the session. of course, i should also mention that his "in shape" form can kill me on a good day, so being in and out of shape is kind of relative. nevertheless, it was good to see him again, since he's one of those seniors who (despite being my age) invokes a sense of discipline/regimentation, which the current students (especially the new ones) need.

the topic of training camp came up in our conversation yesterday. as i've said earlier, it will be from saturday morning to monday morning. the coach won't be staying in, so to prevent all hell from breaking loose, a few other seniors and i will probably be around to keep eyes on things. oh. i also worked out the car usage with my dad. thankfully, we managed to reach a compromise, though i think i got the better deal. it works out to me having the car for almost all of saturday, then not having it for most of sunday, and having it for most of monday again. if the logistics works, another senior will have a car on standby on sunday, which basically means that we're covered at all times. not to forget that some coaches drive too. all in all, i think we're good to go in the logistics department.

i wonder — how will the juniors be affected by it? training camp is probably the only time where their normally-nice seniors grow horns and yell at them. not to mention they'll be training much harder than usual. which reminds me. have to keep an even sharper lookout for safety infringements. it's very easy to forget to breakfall when you're tired.

for some odd reason, i'm really excited about this training camp! being a senior has nothing to do with it, since i went back for training camp last year as well. the only (relevant) thing which i think has changed between then and now is the acquisition of my driving license. come to think of it, it's probably because having a car around is WAY more convenient. but as i've learnt this past tuesday in NUS, it can sometimes be a pain as well, especially when parking space is limited. thank goodness that won't be a problem at camp.

what am i going to do tomorrow? it's vesak day, so there's no coaching. i can say that with confidence because i confirmed it with my boss earlier in the week. unfortunately, that also means that i'm getting less income. tradeoffs, i guess. looks like i can spend tomorrow packing for the camp and getting any last-minute stuff that i may have forgotten to get today. if that doesn't occupy me sufficiently, i suppose i could do some reading (i went to the library as well today), or finish watching Ellen. at any rate, i should be able to occupy myself sufficiently.

-random thought of the day: Anticipation!-

Emotions are complex things. but before i blog about them, i'll just quickly talk about tuition.

as i mentioned previously, yesterday's tuition session was the first one with a new kid. it was also the last. the kid was...(how do i put it delicately?)...let's just say he went beyond the worst-case scenario i'd imagined for him. i mean, it's the 21st century, and his idea of elements are air, water, earth and fire. it's not technically wrong, since that belief is rooted in some traditional alchemical stuff. but as far as i'm concerned, that fails as a modern scientific definition for "chemical element", which is what i asked for. in addition, his basics are totally shot. term 2's almost ending, and he's shaky on SEPARATION TECHNIQUES, which i've always considered as unnecessary to teach, because anyone with half a brain could figure it out. apparently, i stand corrected.

if that's not bad enough, he seems to be easily-distracted and likes to ask questions. i'm not saying that asking questions is bad, because i encourage learning through questioning. but there is only so much i can tolerate of someone repeatedly butting in halfway through my explanation. also, we have to take the type of question into account. i'm talking about separating salt and water, and he suddenly goes off on a tangent about the dead sea and density. it's not completely unrelated, but there's almost no link to what i'm explaining (which happened to be distillation).

however, these are not the main reason as to why i turned him down (though they played a significant role). i can work with slow people as long as they're willing to learn (though there's a lower limit to that, and he's dangerously close), and i can work with people who have short attention spans (like my current sec 4 kid). the main reason is because of my intuition. yes, i know it's contradictory for a science tutor to place high emphasis on something as unscientific as gut feeling, but after the tuition session, something just screamed, "drop him!!" really loudly. i suppose it's also in part because i formed a poor first impression. usually, i make it a point to meet the parents first (unless i know the kid really well), but his mother was nowhere in sight. in fact, we had tuition in one of his condo's function rooms instead of his house, which i thought was kind of impersonal (but that's a minor thing). the kid himself didn't make that good an impression either. so, i conclude that it was a combination of factors that gave me that reaction. at any rate, that's something i won't have to think about any more.

now, to blog about emotions. i've found myself wondering lately — what is the driving force that makes you (or me...you get the idea) care deeply for other people? let's not talk about family, because that's almost a given already. after all, an oft-quoted adage goes, "you can choose your friends, but not your family". so, what makes you care for certain friends as if they were family, and in some cases, even more than that? after thinking about it for a while, i've concluded that it isn't likely to be looks. most of my friends won't win mr./ms. universe anytime soon (no offense, people), and yet, i'd still go out of my way to help a large majority of them if they asked. on a slightly-related note, it's not gender, either. the lengths i'd go to do stuff for my guy-friends are the same as those i would go to to do stuff for my girl-friends (note the hyphen! it means "friends that are girls").

having established that it's not related to physical attributes/aspects, the next logical step would be to think...well, non-physical. for instance, am i doing it because they treat me well? in most cases, yes, there is a reciprocal relationship. to quote my ex-confucian ethics teacher in secondary school, "you give me face, i give you face. you no give me face, i give you no face!"...or something to that effect (he said it in english, by the way). that still doesn't account for the small percentage of cases where this doesn't apply. in those cases (well, in ONE particular case) there is this inexplicable need to care for the other person, even if i'm greatly inconvenienced in the process. funny thing is, this person's close to me, but i have even closer friends whom i don't feel as strongly about.

well, the above 2 paragraphs basically do a decent job of saying nothing conclusive, but according to what i learnt in philosophy, they aren't completely useless. as socrates says, finding out what something *isn't* is one step closer to finding out what it IS. so i guess i've made 3 steps in 2 paragraphs, namely that my caring for others is independent of looks, gender, and closeness (but to a lesser extent), and that i care for most people because i believe that they care for me. wait...that's 4 steps! go me.

for the readers who may be frustrated with me for speaking in circles and not identifying names/people, i'm sorry, but this is the internet. as i've learnt a long time ago, don't post anything that you aren't prepared for anyone/everyone else to see. besides, this blog's URL is advertised on my facebook profile, so there might be people who are unfamiliar to me who are reading whatever i write. i don't track my blog followship stats, so i don't know for sure. at any rate, i'm not comfortable with people knowing all the intimate details of my life. whatever i've posted so far seems within what i'd like other people to know about me, and i'll keep it that way.

umm...one last thing before i go off, which is to forecast the upcoming happenings. going to see iron man 2 later (finally!). the post-credits scene has been spoiled for me already, but i'll watch it anyway. genius girl enrichment tomorrow morning, training (and possible consultation) on wednesday, and nothing at all for thursday and friday. the realization that this coming friday is vesak day hit me yesterday, so coaching's more or less confirmed off. training camp starts on saturday, and i don't feel all that prepared, both fitness- and supplies-wise. not much i can do about fitness in 5 days (though i can try!), but i can go restock on my supplies within the week. i'll mainly need tape, plasters and finger strips (since i lost a whole box of the latter two at the nationals). maybe more electrolyte salts too. and i have to get car clearance. MUST REMEMBER.

-random thought of the day: Why are non-breaking spaces being randomly inserted into the post?-

As has been the trend for the past few posts, i'm going to delay blogging about the deeper stuff (yet again) and just do standard mundane updates for now. this is because i'm supposed to get up at 9:00am, and it's already fast approaching 12:50am. so, quick update, and off to bed i go.

friday's coaching went better than i expected. though the kids are rusty after close to a month of not training, they recovered pretty quickly. i had 14 of them spread over 4 lanes this time round, so the reduced class size probably also helped in keeping order. one good thing i noticed is that the rapport between us is getting better. i don't have to act straight-faced and serious all the time, and can start joking with them, like i do with their seniors. that's good. right now, i know that there's plans to have june holiday training, but the dates aren't confirmed. well, at least there's still lots of time to buffer any sharp changes to my schedule.

prior to saturday morning, the turf city alumni gathering has not seen my presence for about 2 months...or perhaps longer. anyway, it's nice that the elders still remember me, despite my rather long absence. i should make more of an effort to go down there, even if it is just to show face and say hi to everyone.

of course, i had to leave early for training, which was supposed to start at 10:00am. tuns out i could have hung out for a little while longer at turf city, because training didn't actually start until 10:15 or so. to make things worse, there were like only 10 people there (including 2 CJC guys and 2 seniors). kind of anticlimactic. but at least the timing was good. this week was one of the few weeks where no post-training activity was organized. it was also one of those weeks where my dad told me he needed the car at about 2:00pm, which is a deadline i would never have made if anything had been scheduled. so...things worked out in the end, in some nice, cosmic way.

tuition tomorrow/later (you should get the idea by now...it's not the first time i'm doing this) will be kind of different. my JC kid decided not to have tuition, since he needs to study for his GP and H1. i'm not seeing my sec 4 kid either, since his exams are over, and he has to prepare for O-level mother tongue anyway. so, since i'm not seeing my usual sunday people, what's going on? to answer that, i have a potential new tuition kid, who is the cousin of one of the ex-judo juniors (who is still in secondary school, but transferred out of SJI). my preliminary information-gathering tells me that this new prospect's a sec 3 kid, from normal stream in ACS barker, and he does combined science. word also has it that he's lazy, and doesn't seem to be able to grasp concepts. to top things off, he lives in simei, which means WAY more travelling. oh noes. well, the way i see it, i'll go and look look see see for the first session, before deciding whether i want to take him on a full-time basis or not. i'll probably have to do some negotiation about the rates, but we'll see how things go when i actually see the kid. don't want to let preconceived notions sway our judgement, do we?

-random thought of the day: Training camp in a week's time!-

Keeping in line with my habit of not leaving depressing stuff as the first post for too long, this post will help to push stuff down and out of the way. let's begin by recapping what's happened since monday's update.

i've been out of the house every day of the week so far. had a buffet dinner with some of my JC classmates on tuesday. the food was good, and value-for-money, thanks to a 50% discount voucher one of my friends had. unfortunately, another of our friends was rather inappropriately dressed for the occasion. i mean, i'm all for wearing shorts to school, but wearing shorts to a hotel restaurant? ...not so much. it's sad that such restrictions exist, but i can't really protest much, since dressing up more decently for a hotel is not an unreasonable request/stipulation. other than that, seeing everyone again was great. it's good that we're still making efforts to keep in contact, despite having graduated more than 3 years ago(!). a sad sad side-effect of this outing is that i now need to exercise even more before the training camp. but well, i figure i'll survive.

my first free chem consultation session yesterday could be seen as both a success and a semi-failure, depending on the perspective. i would call it a success since i did manage to answer some questions about chem, but i would call it a semi-failure because only one person showed up. but looking back at my objective (which was to offer help, no strings attached), i guess it turned out to be a success after all, since help was given to those who wanted it. i don't think i'll be doing this all that often, though. after some discussion with my JC friends before tuesday's dinner, i realize that i was right in thinking that my paying students would be on the losing end of this deal. so, i've decided that i will do this type of thing VERY sporadically, like once per term or even only before major exams. that would even things out.

the consultation session took place at CJC, because i went back for training. coincidentally, one of my JC friends showed up as well. we spent a significant part of the session talking about judo philosophy. it was...enlightening, to say the least. i realize that i could be WAY more relaxed, and a way better partner/senior. well, i can start to change that, starting this saturday.

met the genius sec 2 girl for enrichment today. we did some organic chem (alkanes, alkenes, alcohols and acids), as well as a bit of kinetics and equilibria. i'm still pretty amazed that she can absorb the majority of what i say with relative ease. either she's really that good, or she doesn't want to lose face by asking questions. based on my intuition and experience at reading people, i don't think it's the latter. so...yes. i'm suitably impressed. i wonder what will happen first...her finally getting totally stumped, or me running out of things to stun her with? i predict i'll find out in about 3 more sessions.

last i heard, coaching's on tomorrow. have to call my boss in the morning to confirm, since this news is 3 weeks old. and as you probably know, lots of things can change in 3 weeks. hopefully it's still on, because i need to collect my pay for the past month. some of the senior kids (anyone else think that that sounds oxymoronic?) seem to be interested in private coaching during the june holidays, but i told them to wait until the training schedule is finalized before arranging anything. to be honest, i feel kind of out-of-place taking the seniors for private coaching. reason is because my boss is the one who typically handles the seniors...so i feel like i'm stepping into his area. i don't know...maybe it's just me. well, if coaching IS on tomorrow, i'll let him know and see what he thinks.

once again, the urge to blog about something philosophical is overruled by the need to sleep. i'll save it for tomorrow, or maybe saturday, depending on what happens in the near future.

-random thought of the day: What compels people to make irrational decisions?-

One of my schoolmates from secondary school passed away early on tuesday morning (about 5:40am local time). from what i understand, he had a heart attack about 5 minutes into a soccer game about a couple of weeks ago. he was then hospitalized, and suffered two more heart attacks between then and when he passed away. doctors weren't able to determine the cause of the heart attacks, and it just seems off somehow. i mean, we're talking about an army officer who has run a half-marathon before. There's no reason for him to suddenly collapse when the match had barely started!

coincidentally, he was my cousin's classmate in J2. as i was telling him (my cousin) over MSN yesterday, he probably knew him better than i did, since we were only "hi-bye" friends in cat high. even then, he recognized me during the 2008 AHM, and came over to talk for a bit. since we weren't that close, i can't really say much, except that it's a real shocker. just imagine...he's only older than me by about a month. kind of hard to wrap your head around, isn't it? there are so many things that he hasn't done, and he won't get a chance to do them now.

another thing that came up in the discussion between my cousin and myself was that my cousin happened to tell me what he wanted done with his remains if something untoward should unexpectedly happen to him. he wants his ashes to be compressed into a diamond and that diamond mounted on a guitar (i'm repeating it here to remind myself in case i forget. once again, touch wood.).

that, and reading the messages on my deceased friend's wall, got me thinking, too. what would people say if *for the third time: touch wood!* i died? how many people would even bother posting on my wall, or commenting on this blog? i guess either way, i'll never find out, unless i'm desperate/insecure enough to contemplate faking my own death just to see. so, i'll never find out. end of story. it does make good food for thought, though, doesn't it? i also thought about what would happen to my stuff. just as a precaution, i've written up a draft document giving instructions on what to do in the event of an unfortunate mishap, and it is for that precise reason that i hope that those instructions never see the light of day.

there are other things i want to say, but as per my usual practice, i'll mention them in a separate post, which will most probably be published tomorrow.

-random thought of the day: R.I.P., Qianxiang.-

My thoughts are kind of in a mess, so i'll just blog according to chronological order and hope i don't miss anything out.

had training on saturday morning. we finally did some fun stuff, like long-distance and height breakfalls. back in my JC days, i could jump across 6 crouching people. i barely managed 4 when i tried it during training. same for height...my standard dropped. i think it's a combination of 2 things, namely the drop in my fitness and my lack of practice. thinking about it logically, i should still be able to clear about 5 people. guess i forgot all the important points about when and how to take off from the run into the jump. well, i think it's nothing that a few more practice jumps during training won't solve.

the training session was spent mainly refining the J1s' technique. they still need practice for their throws, but they're getting there. had fun sparring with them, too. of course, i was way more relaxed than if i were fighting against their seniors. let myself get thrown a few times, and got winded twice. that'll teach me to discern between good throws i should fall for and fail throws which i shouldn't bother wasting time with. got a chance to use sweeps and minor techniques successfully. of course, it doesn't work (as effectively) against the more experienced kids (though i can catch some of them sometimes), and in time, the beginners will become more resistant to it as well. but for now, i'm going to enjoy tripping them up when the opportunity presents itself.

went down to toa payoh after training for bubble tea, which is becoming pretty routine. slacked for a while, then went to J8 to watch (or re-watch, in my case) Ip Man 2. this time round, i managed to catch the beginning part (which i missed when i watched it for the first time with my JC friends). turns out i didn't miss much, but i'm happy that i saw the whole movie from start to finish anyway. now all i have to do is watch Iron Man 2 to satisfy my current movie cravings.

after all of that, i dropped a junior off at CJC before going to my cousin's place. it's been quite a while since i've been there, due to exams and other random commitments. my original plan was not to go, since i thought i'd be too tired due to training and post-training activities. i'm really happy that i changed my mind and went. it was nice to spend an evening with them, and the home-cooked dinner (my first in months) was just an added bonus.

today was...pretty routine. gave tuition, and that's about it. oh look at the time. i'm scheduled to meet one of my secondary school friends for late-night pool, so i'll continue this later.

---------------
*continued on Monday, 17 May 2010, at about 7:40pm*

turns out that my original plan to continue the post last night/early this morning was out of the question. i was simply too tired to care about blogging. now that i feel slightly less tired, let's carry on.

late-night pool is not new to me, but playing until about 1:00am is...different. now that more of my friends have driving licenses and (occasional) access to cars, travelling to places at all ungodly hours doesn't seem that ridiculous any more. this time, i was a passenger in my friend's car. i don't know which one i like better — driving, or being driven. guess it has to do with how i'm feeling on that day itself too. anyway, this particular friend's dad is a driving instructor, so his car came with a brake pedal on the passenger side. it looked pretty cool, but i didn't get a chance to try it out.

playing pool was an...experience. as expected, i suck way more now as compared to the last time i played. silly me, thinking that that was impossible. well, looks like i proved that there is always someone lousier. probably because i was feeling tired too, but that's most likely an excuse.

went to thomson after that (we played at toa payoh, by the way). see what i mean about going places at odd hours suddenly becoming feasible? reason we went was because everyone (except me) was feeling hungry. so, we ended up at this hong kong cafe where they ate and i just had a drink. then, got a ride home (yays) and went to bed at about 2:30am.

today was nothing special too. went to CJC to give tuition and watch SJI train. found out more details about the camp, and it looks like i'll have to get early approval for car use on the three days. well, i'll need it more on saturday and monday. i don't know what's the likely outcome, but i figured asking won't hurt my odds. besides, i think there'll definitely be a way we can reach a compromise. worst case is i'm late for a couple of morning sessions, or something like that. i still haven't decided whether to stay in or not, but i'm not too worried at the moment. for all i know, that decision may be made for me depending on car availability.

my schedule for the rest of the week is solidifying. visiting my JC chem teacher in NUS high tomorrow, followed by dinner with some JC friends. training on wednesday, plus a 45-minute chem consultation block for any judo juniors who need help. have a session with the genius sec 2 girl on thursday. hope i can hold my own against her. there's coaching on friday, which means that i have to fit a haircut in sometime before then...most probably wednesday or thursday night.

i'm half-tempted to finish off with something philosophical, but i figure i shouldn't work my brain so hard during the holidays. besides, i bet some readers are tired of seeing questions with no definite answer (or even no answer at all!). so, that's all for now.

-random thought of the day: Have to burn another "driving music" CD!-

I won't blog much today, save to say that i'm extremely impressed by my newest tuition kid. actually, i wouldn't even call it "tuition"...it's more like enrichment. consider this: i went through redox, atomic structure and a bit of chemical bonding in 2 hours. by JC standards, that's considered normal, perhaps just a little accelerated. here's the real kicker: she's SEC 2. just imagine — a sec 2 kid understands most stuff that some students who are 3 years her senior have trouble with! i was (and still am) pretty awestruck. then again, i suppose that's to be expected from an NUS high kid.

when i think about it, i see similarities between her and myself. we're both interested in the subject, and we both like organic chem a little more than the other branches (side-note about similarities: my JC chem teacher is her current chem teacher as well!). only thing is, she's too crazy for even my standards. i mean, if someone had approached me when i was in sec 2, and told me about orbitals and VSEPR, that person would have the opportunity to watch my brain melt or explode (choose one). but she's done her own reading and seems strangely comfortable with the A-level theories (once again, for someone of her age). reminder to self: smart as she may be, i still have to remember that she's in sec 2. it's more difficult than it sounds, because i'm using JC-level terminology in my explanations, and she's still like, "ok...uh-huh...go on...i get it." it makes me feel kind of inferior when i think about it, but then, i remember that i'm the undergrad, and i feel much better.

considering that she's done her own study, it's a lucky thing i still managed to stun her with some stuff, like the structure of the pretty blue-coloured complex ion formed by water and ammonia coordinating to a copper (II) metal centre. looks like i'll have to dig really deep into my bag of tricks...this kid seems to be able to handle whatever i throw at her. somehow, i foresee that our tuition sessions won't last long...but we'll let time tell.

well, i promised to keep this post short, and i think 4 paragraphs still falls within the limit of "short". there's training tomorrow, followed by a movie outing. hope i can get the car; it makes life so much easier. so that's that, then!

-random thought of the day: Is there a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone?-

Due to not designing a new blog template for close to a year, HMTL and i have become somewhat estranged. as you can see, we got rather reacquainted recently. to be honest, this template design isn't mine. i modified a design which i found on a blog template website. i still gave the original designer credit (which is something that university has drilled into me), so i figure it's ok. worst case is i'll revert to the old template in the event that the original designer chances upon this and is unhappy.

i've departed from several of my own blog-designing traditions this time, in the sense that i decided to go with a more minimalist approach. as past visitors might notice, there are no more fancy coloured scrollbars (only applicable to internet explorer users), and i removed the links and other blogs sections. i'm following my friends'/relatives' blogs from my blogger dashboard anyway, so i reckon there's no longer a need for a list of blogs. the cbox has been taken down too. 87 posts over close to 1100 days of existence roughly equates to zero posts a day, and if that isn't a sign of redundancy, i don't know what is. comments are still working, so that's one way to get in touch with me to tell me what a great job i've done, should you feel so inclined *hint hint*.

the biggest tradition which i did not carry on is the blog's name...or rather, number. in all previous designs, the numbers in the blog name were arabic numerals. this time, i've gone with roman numerals instead. it still looks kind of weird, but i figure i'll get used to it eventually

even with these changes, this blog will definitely still fulfill my primary objective, which is to keep a record of things that happen in my life, and to keep my writing muscles active, as well as the secondary objective of keeping friends/family updated and providing them with another means of contact. so...i'm mostly satisfied with the design, i guess, except for a few minor alignment issues which i simply can't be bothered to fix.

now, for something food-for-thought-y. most army boys will have seen the "correct" version of this poster in their camps or at SAF events. some wise guy decided to edit it, resulting in:

obviously, the last line is not in the original poster. but it does strike quite close to home for most of the things we (or maybe i) do. thinking about it objectively, most of the things that people do can be thought of as having either fame or fortune as the desired end result. to redefine "fame" and "fortune", we might say "recognition" and "money" instead. let's use a pretty common example, like work. even though people might enjoy working, the bottom line is that they do it for the money which they need to survive in the world. or even if we do some stuff for free, perhaps say...volunteering at an orphanage or something like that. sure, the volunteers don't get paid, but they get the recognition for taking time out to do something altruistic, which will ultimately elevate their social standing.

on the flipside, it's actually pretty difficult to escape these two outcomes (more so for fame, i suppose), because they seem to be a by-product of most things. let's consider people who did the things that they did because they truly believed in their cause, like Mother Teresa, or Martin Luther King Jr. i don't think they actively sought to become as famous as they did, but they did anyway. i guess you could say that fame came looking for them instead.

so...what's my point in mentioning this?

...i don't really know. as i've learnt this semester in philosophy, "i don't know" is a perfectly acceptable answer...though i my professor told us only to use it when all available conclusions have been rejected, and not because we want to slack off (like what i'm doing now). but oh well. most philosophical questions don't have answers anyway, so i shouldn't feel too bad for leaving you guys hanging.

for some reason, i've fallen kind of ill. i suspect it's because i ran briefly through the rain on monday, when i was coming home from tuition. either my immune system's shot, or the rainwater's a real killer. probably both. best part is, i have a school barbeque function later. my guess is that by tomorrow, my voice will have gone and i will be in more pain than today. oh well. at least it's the holidays!

-random thought of the day: Tuition tomorrow...should be interesting.-

Yuu Watase (a japanese manga author/artist) once said that every person has a fixed amount of words that he/she is to speak/write in his/her lifetime. or was it Kazuya Minekura (another manga author/artist) who said that? i can't really remember. anyway, the reason i'm mentioning this particular belief is because if it happens to be true, i've put quite a big dent in my lifetime written-word quota already, and i should probably be preparing to spend my last 20 years or so without speaking and/or writing.

but anyway, the reason for my massive writing spree is because i've been writing fanfiction. i'm actually kind of surprised that i still have the energy and mental capacity to blog, even after completing a close-to-4000-word chapter. but hey, if the inspiration's here, might as well use it. of course, it could also be due to the fact that i haven't blogged for a couple of days already, and there's backlog to clear.

so...training as usual on saturday, with a minor difference. i dropped my dad off for his appointment before i went down for training at CJC. somehow, i sense a shift in the balance here. from 1988 to 2009, my dad has always been the one driving me to wherever i needed to go. it feels kind of funny (good, but funny) to have the roles reversed. still, i could get used to it.

having a car handy does have its benefits, like being able to transport juniors around. at first glance, it might seem like i'm the one doing them a favour, but actually, it's a mutually-benefitting relationship. the obvious part is that they get free transport (though i have suggested charging them based on the radio station that i'm tuned to when they alight, as a joke). the hidden part benefitting me is that i get feedback on my driving skills, be it verbal or non-verbal. as long as nobody is clutching the seats with white-knuckled hands, or screaming in terror, i reckon i'm doing ok. on the positive side, one junior has said that my skill is pretty good, considering that i passed slightly more than half a year ago. the rest are mostly entertained by my swearing and cursing at other drivers who do annoying things. no harm done, though, since the other drivers can't hear me, and there's no risk of any incidents escalating into road rage. even if there happened to be any such cases, i think i would still come out on top. not that i'm looking for trouble or anything...i'm just saying.

driving the juniors back home has proven to be an excellent opportunity to (1) familiarize myself with the roads, and (2) get hopelessly lost. i find it kind of amazing how far off from your original destination you can end up just by exiting the expressway one exit too late. i was supposed to turn off at mandai, but missed that exit and ended up in woodlands. the juniors took it surprisingly well. one of them was laughing like hell, while the other was doing...unspeakable things to the back seat. but at the end of the day, i got them home in one piece, with no small contribution from my phone GPS. i swear, i would have taken another hour if i didn't have it.

on the way back from either sending the juniors back home on saturday night, or from giving tuition on sunday afternoon (memory seems to indicate that it's more likely to be the latter), i heard this song on the radio:

Bon Jovi - Superman Tonight
There's something about you
I want to rescue
I don't even know you
So what does that mean

Maybe I'm cynical
I'm painfully logical
You're tragic and beautiful
And that's good enough for me

You're looking for a hero, but it's just my old tattoo
Tonight I swear I'd sell my soul to be a hero for you

Who's going to save you
When the stars fall from your sky
And who's going to pull you in
When the tide gets too high
Who's going to hold you
When you turn out the lights
I won't lie; I wish that I
Could be your superman tonight

If somebody sent you
An angel to save you
What would you tell him to turn him away

That your heart don't break
That your lips don't kiss
That life is just a lie
That heaven don't exist?

Who's going to save you
When the stars fall from your sky
And who's going to pull you in
When the tide gets too high
Who's going to hold you
When you turn out the lights
I won't lie; I wish that I
Could be your superman tonight

Who's going to fix you
The next time you break down
Stranded alone by the side of the road
It's your baggage that's dragging you down
Don't look back
Let it go

Ohhh, Ohhhhh

Who's going to save you
When the stars fall from your sky
And who's going to pull you in
When the tide gets too high
Who's going to hold you
When you turn out the lights
I won't lie; I wish that I
Was that superman

Who's going to save you
When the stars fall from your sky
And who's going to pull you in
When the tide gets too high
Who's going to hold you
When you turn out the lights
I won't lie; I wish that I
Could be your superman tonight

woooah, woooah, woooah ohhh
woooah, woooah, woooah ohhh
woooah, woooah, woooah ohhh
woooah, woooah, woooah ohhh

as you might have guessed, this is the latest song on constant repeat on my windows media player. my opinion: bon jovi's done it again. the melody for this song is pretty unique, and the usual meaningful lyrics do not disappoint. for some reason, i was really close to tearing up when i heard it on the radio, and watching the music video on youtube intensified that feeling even further. upon looking at the lyrics, i think i can guess why i'm reacting this way. it's probably because i'm feeling something close to what the song is describing...for that same person i've been blogging (almost) incessantly about. arrgh. maybe i should let them hear this song.

looks like i'm out of stuff to say! just as well, considering that i should have been asleep an hour ago. so, off i go, then!

-random thought of the day: Is it odd to NOT want to have your photo taken, even though you think the idea of cameras sucking your soul out is ridiculous?-

Frankly, the holiday doesn't feel all that different from term time. guess it's a result of missing school a little too much this semester. at least i don't have to worry about catching up with lessons and work right now, so that's somewhat of a relief.

to briefly say something about the accident, it's been resolved via private settlement. i got the other guy to sign a statement saying that he's received payment, so i'm covered in that respect. don't know why, but there's some suspicion that i paid a little more than strictly necessary. but like i mentioned before, that's tolerable. my main goal is to avoid any legal proceedings, after all. long story short, i'll effectively be giving free tuition for the next month to restore my bank balance. at least my dad still allows me to drive alone, so that's somewhat of a relief too.

this sudden dent in my savings has made me wonder — should i try to find a job with a more steady source of income? sure, tuition and coaching pay well, but the frequency simply isn't there. best case is i see the respective kids once a week, but that's not always happening, especially for coaching. if i were to take a part-time job, which pays say...$6 per hour for 6 hours a day, i'd earn just slightly more in one work week as compared to seeing both my tuition kids for 2 hours each and having one coaching session in the same work week. logically speaking, it would be more worthwhile to stick to tuition/coaching because i'm earning almost the same amount of money in a fifth of the time. but this assumes (once again), that i'm seeing all of the kids, which hasn't been the case recently. i think i'll stick to what i'm doing now, because some of my friends have mentioned that part-time jobs are in high demand, and with all that competition, it's unlikely that i'll land one. i suppose i could try to find more tuition kids, but that has inherent difficulties too.

on the judo side, the J2s have more or less stood down, which means that the crowd now mostly consists of J1s (SJI has temporarily stood down too). CJC has a new exco, and since it is not really my place to comment on the suitability of the appointment holders, i shall hold my tongue. suffice to say that i personally do not wholeheartedly agree with the choice of people for some of the appointments. i have this odd feeling that i'm letting my emotions of jealousy/sour grapes rule over my logical thought process, so i'm probably not the most neutral source. i should probably learn to let go more. after all, i'm alumni now, and should not be overly affected. key word: should. sucks how my brain knows they key word, but my heart doesn't seem to. not that anything i say will make a difference anyway. what's more, the appointment holders were voted to their posts, and i have to respect the collective decision of the current members as well as the coaches.

sometimes, i wonder why some people (or perhaps, someone) have/has all the luck. they are physically fit, reasonably smart, easy on the eye, humourous, sociable, pretty charismatic (i doubt most people can guess who is the person i'm describing, but you can try. hint: it's not me.). i don't know if it's good genes, or if that person was born under a lucky star or something. whatever the case, things always seem to be going their way. of course, they probably worked for some of those attributes, so it's not exactly fair for me to assume that everything fell into their laps. arrgh. not that i'm excessively unhappy with things in my life, just that they could be better. then again, isn't that always the case?

about that generation gap thing i mentioned a couple of posts ago...i've more or less sorted out my thoughts, and they go something like this: compared to the current students, i'm practically ancient (no offense to older seniors and/or coaches). so, it is normal for them to do their own thing, and exclude the older bunch. besides, i'm not that close to them anyway, and should not take offense if i'm somehow missed out. to put it a little more bluntly, i will not fit in with them as much as other people from their year would. i'm going back to help out in training of my own free will, and as such, they should not feel obligated to me in any way. in other words, i shouldn't get TOO involved.

now that i'm on holiday, i have decided to drop by the hospital twice a week or so to visit that judo junior. i still don't know his exact condition, nor do i know his progress and how long he will take to recover. all i can do is provide moral support and hope he recovers soon. if you check january/february 2009's archives, you'll see that one of my cousins was hospitalized around that period (he's better now, thank goodness). watching the whole process of my cousin's illness made me realize that aside from the patient, the people who suffer the most are the caregivers. i mean, their normal routine is disrupted too, and sometimes, the patient may be difficult to deal with. so, caregivers need lots of patience and understanding. on that note, i'm also offering moral support to his parents (i've only met his dad so far).

my to-do list from the last post has somewhat shrunk. i've done a bit of writing, learnt a bit more of O Sole Mio, and will be going for a nice 3km evening/night jog/run after the 9:00pm show on VV drama is over. i'm on a countdown, by the way. there are 22 days between now and the june training camp. i'd better use army-style training to get in better shape so that i won't lose face in front of the juniors. must pull off a miracle in this time period.

-random thought of the day: Philosophical question — How do you know that you truly love someone?-

Using "when" implies that something will inadvertently happen...like "when you grow older", "when this is finished", or even "when you get into an accident". that last one is what's written in the driving theory books, and sadly, it just happened to me about an hour ago. it's my fault, because i tried to change lane and didn't hit the brakes in time, thus accidentally hitting the corner of a van's rear bumper. thankfully, the damage wasn't TOO great (it was about a fist-sized dent), and the other guy was nice enough to agree to settle it privately. i hope he doesn't try to pull any stunts. i'm actually prepared to pay a little more than strictly necessary, just to avoid the inconvenience of a legal proceeding...within reasonable limits, of course. even so, i hope he'll be nice enough to save me a few dollars and quote the exact price.

of course, i had to tell my dad about it. honesty is the best policy, right? he took it surprisingly well, actually. i suspect that my slip of the tongue in saying, "i hit someone" probably helped to put it in perspective before i clarified that i was referring to someone's car. if i ever had kids who drove (take note, this is "if", not "when"), i'd probably want them to be honest with me if they got into a similar situation. even if they could miraculously settle it privately by their own means and not leave any incriminating evidence, i think i'd still want to at least know about it. then again, the opposite argument could also be made, that ignorance is bliss. it depends on the individual person, i suppose.

next point of worry — how will this affect my dad's trust in me? i'm tempted to say that he'll acknowledge my maturity and brush it off, but i don't know that for sure. from what i DO know about him, i suspect that he'll still allow me to use the car, but there will be increased caution (like more warnings/advice) for a while. oh well. it's a learning experience, and there'll never be another one like it again...not if i can help it.

minor accident aside, today still doesn't feel as happy as it should. i mean, i just had my last paper, which also means that i'm free for THREE WHOLE MONTHS. yet, i can't seem to get excited about it. and this was before the accident, mind you, so that doesn't really count for much. maybe it's a delayed-action thing, and i'll feel it tomorrow. who knows? right now though, i feel practically the same way as i did yesterday, with the additional negativity of the accident.

to brighten up my mood and put the accident behind me, here is a list of stuff i want to do during the holidays:
- physical training (judo, running, maybe gym?)
- write a couple of new fanfiction
- learn the words to O Sole Mio
- complete more of that BBC's books-to-read list
- possible east coast trip
- set more challenging stuff for the tuition kids
- design a new blog template

there will definitely be new additions to this list in the future, but that's it for now. meanwhile, time for me to end this post and go do some more constructive stuff, like planning an exercise schedule.

-random thought of the day: Happy Star Wars Day!-

Labour day = rest from work, which is why i suspect my internet is acting up. could be the people at singnet slacking, or my internet itself protesting at being used on this particular public holiday. personally, i'd like to imagine that the latter is the cause of this problem, as impossible as it may be. at any rate, i really hope that i can at least publish this post before i turn in for the night. it doesn't look promising now, but i'll still hope against hope.

ok...barely a day has passed since the last post, so there's not that much to say...except that i went out with some of the judo kids to study. of all places, they had to pick the airport. that kind of gave me a reason to try the circle line extension to paya lebar. it's WAY faster than changing trains at city hall. really makes me wish that they would hurry up and finish the part linking bishan and buona vista.

as for the study session itself, it was productive. more productive than if i had studied (or tried to study) at home, anyway. got through about 1.5 papers' worth of questions, though they're mostly the easier ones, and are scattered through the 7 sets. i realize that despite the seemingly-long 6 minutes per question, i'll still have to keep the pace up. just reading the text alone will probably take 2 minutes, with a few additional minutes required to understand what the damned passage is trying to say. which reminds me. i should vandalize the paper too, making small margin notes on what parts of the passage are talking about. that would probably help in the question-answering.

so, here's the plan for the next couple of days. there's tuition tomorrow, and the lack of a car means that i'll have to get up even earlier. i just hope my back doesn't give too much trouble though; it's been oscillating between jabs of pain and feeling ok all day. that aside, i'll probably send my philosophy tutor an email, either to ask questions or to book a consultation slot so that i can do it face-to-face. the former is more likely than the latter, though, considering the exam is on tuesday, and he'll more likely than not be swamped with emails from his other students. then, more studying on monday, and exam on tuesday. after that, it's summer break (not like singapore has any other season, anyway) and the end of my first academic year in NUS. but let's not get ahead of ourselves here. focus on the most pressing matter, which happens to be tuition. i told my kids that i didn't want to see zombies during the tuition session, and that rule applies for myself as well. better get to bed.

*reminder to self: blog about age gaps and related issues.*

-------------------------

Didn't think it was worth it to start a new post, so i'll just continue here.

tuition today went kind of below-averagely. i think i didn't really do a good job of explaining the A-level stuff. guess it's true that the higher up you go, the more things you take for granted. makes me wonder if i'm effective at teaching JC stuff. well, a few more sessions will tell, i suppose.

that aside, i'm probably not going to get any work done today. while reading my philosophy professor's (module-related) blog, i chanced across a block of text mentioning that we could bring in any paper medium into the exam hall, like textbooks, notes, and OLD EXAM PAPERS. why didn't i think of that before!!? but for him to mention that so openly, it obviously means that he won't repeat questions, so there's still not much point. nevertheless, there's no such thing as being too prepared, so a folder of past-year exams will follow me into the exam hall.

i don't really have much else to say at the moment. the next-post prompt can wait until the next post, or when i've sorted my thoughts out, whichever's more convenient.

-random thought of the day: Please, please publish successfully...-