Movement is usually accompanied by resistance, typically in the form of friction, inertia, or air resistance, unless we're assuming spherical chickens in a vacuum. oh wait. wrong punchline. but you know what i mean. this extends to non-physical friction as well, in terms of adjusting to a new workplace. so far, i've not encountered any problems with the people. in fact, i'd go as far as to say that there's nobody i don't get along with in the lab. mainly because they're nice people who try to include me in stuff. i really appreciate it; makes the transition even easier.

the (non-literal) friction i'm referring to is with regards to my lab space. since i was from an organic lab, and was not one of the pioneer students there, everything had been set up nicely for organic synthesis. moving to a primarily inorganic/biological lab, i found that many of the things which i took for granted were no longer within easy reach. things like TLC stains, very common chemicals, and certain glassware (eg. NMR tubes), to name some things that came immediately to mind. we're also facing a severe hotplate shortage, for which a PO has been issued. so that should be fixed in the next month or so. as for the rest, i'll have to make do somehow, or find a way to circumvent the limitations.

it's only after i left the organic lab when i realized the full extent of my previous professor's hoarder mentality. don't know if it's a hong kong thing, or if it's just him. anyway, i've been able to find almost all the chemicals i currently need in the lab inventory, which led to a new-found appreciation of its size. the fact that the inventory has some of the things i need is actually quite impressive, considering some of them are...not exactly rare/exotic, but you don't see them every day. even more impressive is that i had no idea such chemicals existed in the lab! and this is coming from the guy in charge of compiling the chemical list, mind you. then again, with approximately 3200 chemicals in the lab, it would be quite hard for me to remember every single one, right? no wonder the faculty used to give trouble about chemical storage. so it looks like i may be going back to the old lab quite frequently...though it's a bit awkward with the chance of running into my previous professor and all. it'll get better when he leaves in april at the earliest, december at the latest.

a few posts ago, the random thought was about holes developing in socks. i've wondered why/how my socks suddenly became holey, so i decided to approach the issue a little more scientifically, by running a controlled-variable study. that's just a fancy way of saying i did some simple experiments. so what i did was that i threw out all my previous holey socks, bought 6 new pairs, and wore a new pair to lab each day this past week. the first thing i noticed was that a hole developed in some of the socks after just one day of use. interestingly, the hole always developed at the same spot - the big toe of my left foot. i cut my toenails before beginning the experiment, so i don't think they affected anything. neither have i been running or even walking quickly, so i don't think that it's caused by rapid abrasion. i then had a feel inside my shoes, and realized that the area next to the big toe in my left shoe feels rougher as compared to the corresponding area on the right side. so it's not so much about the speed of abrasion, but the nature of the surfaces in contact. it's also partially because i bought socks that are made of a different material, and hence are a little thinner than previous pairs, so the wear and tear showed up more quickly. maybe i should get the thick socks again. seems like an awful waste of money, though. perhaps i should fix the root cause of the problem, which can be done by somehow smoothening out the inside of my shoe. incidentally, the sole of my left shoe is starting to split. the tear is still small, so it's not a big problem just yet. but i think i should have a pair on standby just in case.

ok. time to wrap this post up and go to school. it's quite ironic that i didn't want to go to school on saturdays when it was compulsory (for group meeting in the previous lab), but now that it's optional (and maybe even discouraged to a tiny extent), i find myself actually planning for half a saturday in lab. of course it's not such a straightforward comparison; there are many other factors involved as well. anyway. time to go. hopefully i can be productive.

-random thought of the day: Shiny.-

Kill me if i ever agree to meet my friends for breakfast in school again for no good reason. not only did i have to get up at the ungodly hour of 6:50am, i spent 40 minutes driving to school, which is around double of the usual duration. i could still swallow that at a pinch, because i wasn't rushing for time or anything. what i have problems with are the morons on the road. i really think that there's an exponential relation between absolute number of cars on the roads and percentage of moron drivers. traffic was so slow, my goodness! i was reading an article on "brake waves", where if there are too many cars on the road at a go, braking by the foremost car is amplified down the lane, resulting in waves of stop-and-go motion. i believe that the article was written my physicists, because they referred to a made-up particle called a jamiton. jam as in traffic jam, -iton being the common suffix for hypothetical subatomic particles (see also: graviton). from my observation, it seems that female drivers are more likely to brake unnecessarily. i wonder if those who do realize that sometimes, letting go of the accelerator is enough to slow the vehicle down sufficiently, but not too much so that others feel compelled to brake as well. in order to save myself the agony, time, and fuel, i've decided that getting on the roads after 8:45pm is still a better alternative. sure, i'll reach a little later, but i'll be in a much better mood. it's worth it.

adjusting to the lab is coming along decently, though i must admit i feel a bit handicapped. in the old lab, i was super well-equipped. not just in terms of apparatus, but in terms of knowledge as well. like, i know the location of maybe the top 30 most-used chemicals by heart, and i'm familiar enough with the chemical list and the various cabinets such that i know where to look for the rest as and when i need them. but for where i am now, i find myself having to ask for help more often than not. yes, i know i'd have to be psychic to know where everything is on my first week in the lab, and i do know that the other grad students are happy to help me out, or at least they don't mind doing so. still, i can't help but feel a bit of a nuisance. that's a stumbling block that should fade over time.

still experiencing a bit of a culture shock, in terms of work hours. it somehow feels weird for me to leave school too early. 3 years of conditioning in an organic lab is hard to break. but on a more practical level, leaving at about the same time as the rest will mean facing horrible traffic, so i'd rather stay in lab for a bit longer and maybe get more stuff done, or plan out the next day's work. so far, i've done like 3 reactions total, and one of them was a repeat. think i still need to get a better grasp of platinum chemistry and the associated reactions. picture this: my senior (the current platinum expert whom i'm supposed to replace eventually) routinely gets about 70% yield when synthesizing cisplatin. for my very first attempt, i got like 28%. the second attempt is freeze-drying, so i haven't calculated the yield yet. must admit, it's a bit demoralizing. then again, it's my first attempt! i bet it'll improve once i get the hang of things...and a heat gun. stupid hot filtration.

there have been many many good things happening as well. for instance, i met my junior for a nice long talk. and i now have card access to the lab! meaning that i don't need to stand there knocking and waiting like an idiot every time the doors are locked, which is more often than not. the amazing thing was how fast it got processed. my professor sent the request in around early afternoon, and i got the access by evening. super super efficient. also, i had a(nother) chat with my professor about the project. i'm really quite excited about this project, partially because the synthesis SHOULD be pretty simple, and also partially because of the enthusiasm my professor has when he talks about it! i can hear the excitement in his voice, and that in turn motivates me to get the damned thing done. and have i mentioned it's really easy to talk to him too? like this evening, he came back from exercise and saw me thinking over stuff in the student room. my previous professor would probably like ignore me if he didn't have business with me. but this professor actually sat down with me to discuss my ideas, and to give suggestions, which i thought was really nice. somehow i think changing labs might be the best decision i've made in a long while.

i know that i'm not supposed to think about relationship stuff, but this SOMEONE just popped up. i don't know if they feel the same way, and i'm not about to ask, for several reasons. one of the major ones being that i don't want to spoil anything, so i'm just going to watch from afar for now. it's kind of stupid, since odds are low and i'm probably definitely overthinking and reading too deep into innocent gestures. still, it's hard not to overthink when someone is all nice and friendly and a whole lot of other stuff. damn it. keep it together! i can't afford another emo period...not when i'm supposed to be working like a dog for results.

will be doing a fair bit of organic synthesis in the next few days. nice to see the familiar structures, reactions, and all that. my target ligand takes about...10 steps(?) to make, including protection and deprotection. sounds manageable. a major problem which i foresee is that we don't have a lot of common reagents, even TLC stains and all that. i'm going to have to do a lot of prep work before "real" organic synthesis can begin. things like securing TLC plates, making up the standard stains, and borrowing the relevant chemicals, to list 3 immediate concerns. should settle that tomorrow, and perhaps try another cisplatin oxidation.

-random thought of the day: Forming synthesis routes in my head.-

First official day in the new/current lab, and my head is already spinning. haven't done any lab work yet; just unpacked everything, had a (long long) discussion with my professor about my project and other lab stuff, and passed his safety orientation. ok, i did do an IR on a sample of cisplatin, but that was basically it for practical work. seems quite simple right? so there should be no reason for my spinning head. actually, it's more of the information overload. i quite like my professor's way of explaining things...it's very thorough and logically-connected. even then, there was quite a lot to take in. i just hope that i can manage whatever comes in the next few days. my first task: synthesize cisplatin. that'll be for tomorrow. the synthesis looks pretty straightforward, so i'm hoping for the best. as for getting acquainted with the lab and the people, there's the usual first-day awkwardness. should get better with time.

one thing i must really get used to is waking up earlier. not sure why, but i've been waking up around 8:30am these past few days, sometimes even beating my alarm! it's good, considering that this lab has quite different working hours. i'm just thinking that i should try to match when most people come in, but leave a bit later. that should catch me up fairly soon, provided that i'm spending the time productively. and as an added bonus, i'll get to see how everyone works in the lab. might make fitting in a bit easier.

since this post looks a bit malnourished, i think i'll expand on the recent blogging prompts. first on the list was: how do you ask for help? the reason that thought came into my head was because of the way one of the ex-BPS kids asked me to check his answers for a chem quiz or something like that. i'm usually pretty ok with this kind of thing, except that he phrased it quite...something-ly. my vocabulary fails me at the moment. but what i'm trying to say is that he asked me in a way that gave me the impression that i was obligated to help him somehow. like "i need help", "help me with this", that kind of thing. don't know where i picked up this weird thought, but i believe a request for help should be a "you-centric" question, like "can you do me a favour?" kind of thing, and not a statement declaring that you need assistance. an "i-centric" request/statement seems self-entitled, somehow, like you're assuming that the other person will go out of their way to do stuff for you. of course, all that is also dependent on the level of closeness between the requestor and the requested, as well as the difference in seniority. i don't think we're particularly close. just friends, or maybe good friends at best. and he's my junior, to boot. i might not feel this way if someone closer to me were to ask in this manner. even then, i think that i wouldn't mind as much at first, but if it persisted, i might feel differently.

the next thing is about going out with non-singaporean friends. this thought came about as i was having dinner wth one of my seniors from the previous lab last friday, as he wanted to do something for me before i officially left. i appreciated the sentiment, really. at the same time, the dinner was when i realized that there's a fundamental difference between him and myself in our thoughts and actions. i normally don't notice it that much, since we're usually in the lab, which is not really a social setting. but outside, it becomes quite obvious. and it's a bit...disconcerting, i guess. not that he's a bad person or anything. just that there were some things he did which i felt were odd. but hey, i bet he thinks the same (if not more so) about me. and anyway, it's these eccentricities that make us interesting as people, no?

-random thought of the day: Optimistic.-

Remove all my possessions from the old lab...check.
burn a DVD containing all my data and safety stuff...check.
update the safety documentation...check.
send my last update to my (now ex-)professor...check.
move everything into the new lab...[]
hand over the DVD...[]
tank one last safety check...[]
submit the change of supervisor form...[]

that sums up the progress of my transfer so far. although the unchecked items still outnumber the checked items, i'm essentially out of the old lab already. like 3 to 4 boxes, 2 or 3 (big) plastic bags, and a plastic tray's worth of stuff have been deposited in the new lab. oh, the safari bed, too. can't forget that. hopefully i won't have to use it at all from now on. all that aside, i still have 2 (small-ish) cloth bags, my laptop, speakers, and maybe some other various bits and pieces to go. should be able to make it in another 2 trips, maximum.

digression: from this post on, the lab i transferred out of will be known as my old lab, and the hong kong professor will be known as my previous supervisor (including variations). "my current lab" (and variations) will now refer to the organometallics lab, and likewise "my current professor" (and variations) will refer to the organometallics professor. just wanted to clear things up there.

somehow, the faculty safety people had really good timing. i mean good as in "good" of course...which is to say it severely sucked. see, this is my last week in the old lab. i don't expect them to know that, considering that they have a whole faculty to take care of. but SOMEHOW, they decided to spring a surprise check on the lab this week. if they'd only waited for like one more week, i'd have gotten out of this mess cleanly. but no...they HAD to choose this week. needless to say, we failed miserably. i think the findings from the previous 3 safety checks put together don't even match what they found on this most recent one. due to the magnitude of this thing, and the very real possibility of the lab being closed for cleanup, my old professor asked me to help with the re-inspection this coming wednesday. it's only an afternoon, so i agreed. after that, i'll have really completely moved over. i was quite grateful that he didn't ask me to help to clean up the lab...just to update the documentation and be present for the check only. i figure he won't pull any stunts, since he's been pretty nice ever since the whole storm blew over.

if you'll remember, i was scheduled to attend group meeting for the organometallics lab. the lab group is split into 2 smaller groups. to my knowledge, one small group does platinum-based stuff. that's where i've been assigned. the other small group handles "everything else". my friend, who does gold drugs, is assigned there, as are some other people who are working on rhodium, and perhaps other metals i don't know that we deal with. these 2 groups alternate weeks for group meeting, meaning that students have to present their progress fortnightly...although i'm also set to go for next week's "everything else" group meeting, just for a formal introduction and to better understand what goes on in the lab. although i'm not sure how much info i can absorb. even my group's group meeting was a bit intimidating, so i'm not too optimistic about being able to absorb and understand what the other group's doing. considering that i'm from an asymmetric synthesis/organic background, i'm very used to seeing synthesis routes, drawings of compounds, crystal structures, ee's, stuff like that. instead, i'm now seeing graphs, charts, IC₅₀ values...if i didn't know better, i'd say it was a life science research group instead. well, it *is* kind of half-bio, but whatever.

2 things in the group meeting made me...not exactly uncomfortable. more like they weirded me out a little. the first is the standard of the slides! you see, in my previous group, the standard slide format was the bare minimum of plain white background, black text. extremely simple, can be thrown together really quickly. for the platinum group, their slides were pretty! like there was colour, an NUS logo, stuff that i'd expect to see at the FYP progress report, not at a simple group meeting. but i can handle that pretty easily. the more major thing that kind of threw me off for a second was that the professor checks all the students' log books at group meeting, and will even sign and date on the most recent page. that's one of the first (of what i hope will only be a few) culture shocks i've gotten so far.

got an update about the relationship situation earlier this evening. seems "person" played "advisor" too...as predicted. i don't mean to gloat, sound heartless, or anything, but i am SO SO HAPPY AND RELIEVED that i decided to get out of it when i did. admittedly, a bit earlier would have been nice, but i guess i needed to learn a (somewhat painful) lesson. since i'm supposed to no longer be entangled in this whole mess, i'm not supposed to care too much. nevertheless, i hope for 2 things: that karma bites "person" hard soon, and that "advisor" emerges from this as a stronger individual. somewhat ironically, the only person of the three with whom i feel ok-ish now is "competition", who very recently got in a relationship with some other nice person, who has been approved by a few of our mutual friends. i'm not jealous that "competition" got together with that particular person. however, i'm mildly jealous of the fact that "competition" got together with anyone at all, because i wish i could do the same. not with that existing person, since i'm not into breaking couples up, but with a person of my own.

i really really should snap out of it. with all the catch-up i have to do, i don't have time to go around hunting for romance. prioritize! but i suppose i can let myself enjoy my last really free weekend. blogging prompts for a future post: how do you ask for help, and going out with non-singaporean friends.

-random thought of the day: Fuel economy for this tank sucked. 300+km for 40+L!-

Unlike bad news, good news usually comes alone. and even then, it's rare. that's why i'm super happy to have received 2 pieces of good news in this week alone. the bigger bit of good news is that the dean's office really came through for me, and the transfer has been approved! considering that the request was put in only late last week, i must say that they're really efficient. the offer letter came on monday, i signed and returned it on tuesday, so i'm set already. the current plan is that i'm due for final hand-over this friday, then i'll officially start work in the new lab next monday. i'm already starting to move stuff out of the current lab. the car has like 2 boxes and a plastic bag's worth of paper, magnets, stationery...stuff that i'll need in the new lab. and that's like only half of my stuff. still got my textbooks (clayden!), a bit more paper, a power fan, and my laptop. don't think i'll need the fan, though, since the new lab is fully air-conditioned, unlike my current student room. well...maybe i'll chuck it somewhere out of sight until i need it again.

in this past week, i also met up with my new professor. he showed me my new student room place and fume hood. due to the sheer size of the lab, i (temporarily) have a 2-man fume hood all to myself! amazing. not that i need all that space, but having excess space is way way better than being too cramped. interestingly, one of the minions i TA-ed a while ago is doing his year 2 UROPS there as well. it's mildly stressing, to be working alongside a former student. what if i don't live up to his expectations? nah. i don't really care. important thing is to push ego aside, since i'm so-called starting afresh. that kid's insanely smart, anyway, so if he outshines me, i won't feel too bad. will go down fighting, though, if it comes to that.

i've noticed something different between my current and future professors. despite knowing my current professor for 3 years, there's still a sense of...uneasiness/hesitation/caution when i'm talking to him one-on-one in his office. maybe it's because i started out under him as a newbie undergrad, so there's this distance, somehow. but with the new professor, talking to him is much easier. although i've only been one-on-one with him...3 times or so, i'm feeling comfortable enough to crack the occasional joke, and to lapse into singlish now and then. although i hate to play the nationality card, it's a fact that it does play a part. as for how big the part is, i don't know, since i get along well with my postdocs and other grad students, who aren't singaporean either. but then, they're closer in status to me, so i don't know how it all works out.

one thing i was quite surprised/touched by is that one of the other singaporean grad students in my current lab actually enquired about my status, plans, and even expressed concern for me because he thought that i was still hanging in limbo without making plans for myself. it's super unexpected because as i've mentioned before, i don't exactly talk that much to the singaporean grad students. not that we're hostile to each other or anything...just that we don't talk beyond a professional level. actually, even talking on a professional level is rare, since our research doesn't really cross paths all that much...or at all, for that matter. so, for him to kind of look out for me like that was nice, i thought.

the other piece of good news involves the summons i got a while back. after more than a week of it not updating in the LTA system, i went to call them to find out how much i would have to pay. i know right!? which self-respecting singaporean would willingly pay a fine, and even go as far as to bug the relevant authority!?? me, apparently. anyway, the nice LTA guy told me that since it was the first time i committed an offence of this nature this year, they would only issue me a warning letter. so no demerits or fines this time. lucky! i didn't know i got a free chance every year. now that i do know, i should park recklessly somewhere in the december period, provided that i haven't already been caught before in that year. but i have to be careful for the remainder of this year. too bad the chances don't roll over. trivia: if the serial number of a traffic offence notice starts with 5, it's just a warning. no penalty involved.

while we're on the topic of good news, i suppose i should mention one more minor thing. my nose is clearing up! i THINK i'm over the worst of it. i remember having an unusually high body temperature over the weekend, and i felt completely useless on sunday night. but thankfully i'm feeling much better; just down with a slight cough now. here's hoping that i don't jinx anything, but i should be back in fighting form next monday, just in time to start work, so that would be really nice if things did indeed work out that way.

should really start shifting into higher gears already. goodness knows i need to hit the ground running to make up for lost time. also have to get to know the people in the new lab, and that starts by sitting in on their group meeting tomorrow afternoon. also going to use the opportunity to move a couple of boxes' worth of stuff up, then pack up the remainder in my current lab for moving on friday. might need more than one trip; we'll see. only slight little bugger is i don't have card access to the new lab yet, meaning that i'll have to either slip in with someone else when they tap in, or knock on the door until someone lets me in. so making multiple trips in and out might be inconvenient. looks like some careful planning is in order. or, i could take a risk and leave stuff outside the lab in between trips. depends on how much i can carry, i guess.

-random thought of the day: Watch Vicious!-

'If you could take my pulse right now it would feel just like a sledgehammer...'

those are lyrics from a pretty recent song (aptly titled "sledgehammer"). i quite like it. more importantly, it perfectly described how i felt when my taiwanese postdoc very casually asked me a question earlier tonight. seriously...by the rate at which my friends are surprising me (in a good way), i am severely underestimating them and not giving them enough credit. it does my heart good, though, that he's not making a big fuss, and is generally cool about things. bearing in mind that we barely interact outside of lab, i'm pretty amazed that he would arrive at such a conclusion. guess some people are just way way more perceptive.

i have to admit, though, that i handled it rather poorly at first. although i made a resolution to be honest, i completely froze when i heard the question. think like water meets liquid nitrogen. that kind of complete freezing. and due to being the metaphorical deer caught in the headlights, i reverted back to my default defence mechanism, which was to neither confirm or deny anything...which actually is pretty much a confirmation in itself, but it's different! leaving people to guess is kind of half-assed, which i don't like. that's something i really have to work on, becoming confident enough to reply appropriately. it seemed easy enough in my head, but then, real-life application rarely works as intended on the first try. i don't blame myself for it this time round, but i will if i don't do better in future.

as we were walking to kent ridge MRT (i walked with him so that we could talk a bit more), he mentioned something which was in stark contrast to what some of my other friends had said. like i'd posted before, most of my friends were like "you're still young, plenty of time, plenty of fish" after the relationship thing. this guy told me the opposite, but for a different thing. he said that life is short, and that we (or i, in this case,) shouldn't feel obligated to act a certain way, or to not be ourselves (myself). it's food for thought, to be sure. memory says that i haven't posted this next bit before, or even told anyone, but i can't confirm it. this next bit being that i've set a deadline for myself. i will eventually write a post to clarify everything, and it will be done by the time i turn 30. i actually already have the perfect opening/introduction in mind, but i'll keep it to myself for a bit longer. so...stay tuned, i guess. only 3 years and 10+ months to go, maximum.

in more mundane news, i'm still slightly sick. thankfully the green stuff is gone, but i'm still coughing like mad, and my nose gets blocked when i wake up. of all the times to fall sick, this is probably one of the better ones, since i'm not doing intensive lab work. in fact, i can more or less take days off as and when i like now, which is something that will no longer be as possible when i finally move. and speaking of moving, i finally finished filling out the transfer form, and got both professors to sign it. my current professor, however, told me not to submit the form first, and let both him and my soon-to-be supervisor write to the dean's office to settle matters. he says that if i submit the form, it'll be processed as a normal transfer and i'll lose the additional year's grace period that i potentially have if i leave it to the professors to fight it out with the dean's office. so i'll just hold on, i guess. i was quite happy(?) that my professor signed the form despite telling me not to submit it. that little action helped to restore a bit of trust.

so tempted to take tomorrow off as well, but i can't do that in good conscience. have to work up a reaction and do a few NMRs. or maybe i'll go back on sunday morning to do that. for now, i just want my nose to unblock so i can sleep in peace.

-random thought of the day: This is the song where the lyrics came from.-

Will my friends ever stop amazing me? going by the recent trend, the answer is "not for a very long time". i just met up with another secondary school friend today, and despite meeting up less than 5 times in the past 10 years since graduating secondary school (not including the times when we bumped into each other with no prior planning), we managed to have a pretty nice, deep conversation. i told him the whole relationship issue, and right off the bat, he guessed that "person" was a player. was i blind, blind, or just ridiculously BLIND!!?? although it sounds like i'm beating myself up over it, i'm really not. it's just to reinforce the message and kind of make light of the situation. i totally don't blame myself any more. anyways, this friend also shared some of his relationship experience with me, and my take-home messages were: (1) i'm still young, plenty of fish in the sea etc etc, (2) looks aren't everything, though they do matter somewhat, (3) find someone more mature/emotionally stable, (4) better that i start the whole dating business now than never start at all. stuff i'd heard before, but it's always good to know that people agree with your overall assessment.

i mentioned that i was due to meet "person" and "advisor" in the last post. that meeting was yesterday, and there was no violence, so that's a small victory. i kind of called "person" out on being a player, but it was denied on grounds of ignorance. whatever. "person" did admit that more could have been done sooner to clear things up with "competition", so that was nice. after the hour-long talk, our current agreement is that we are "just friends", and the potential for more-than-friends is all but gone. no major loss to me. as i mentioned during our talk, we're not that good friends to the extent that we'd miss each other if we cut off all contact. in fact, cutting off all contact would have barely any impact on our respective lives. so there's that. by right, just friends. by left, we'll probably never cross paths beyond a simple hi-bye thing, and even that is doubtful.

as for "advisor", things are a little trickier. although i see the 义气 violation as something serious, "advisor" does not, because apparently, there is nothing going on with "person"...yet. the thing i kind of really felt irritated with was that "advisor" kept using words like "yet", "for now", "at the moment" etc to leave space for a possible relationship with "person". i don't exactly have the right to be angry, but i thought it was a bit too soon. then again, maybe being played by "person" will be the best way for "advisor" to learn. or if "person" grows up in record time and they end up happily together, power to them. i can't bring myself to care too much any more. after all, i'm supposed to remove myself from dramatic situations.

by some weird coincidence, my chemical engineer cousin blogged about how a health scare involving her husband made her think about her priorities and put them in perspective. that was one thing i wanted to discuss in this post, as well...though my thing is on a much less serious level. so today, while reversing down (up?) the road to park in my secret spot, i accidentally went too close to the kerb and scratched the side of the car's rear passenger-side mudguard. at least that's what i think it's called. of course, there was the reflex heart pain, and i was quite annoyed with myself. but, my philosophy has always been function over form. since it's more of a cosmetic thing than anything performance-related, i think i'll get over it soon. then, after meeting the aforementioned friend, i went back to the car to find that i had received a summons for parking along a continuous white line. at the time when i parked, the secret spot was crowded, so i didn't have a choice. the summons was timed an hour before i went back, so i probably wouldn't have caught it in time either way. neither did i think about going up to move the car, so i can't really say that i wished that i'd listened to myself...although i do wish that i'd at least thought of it. a quick google search says that that offence is worth a $70 fine and no demerits, which i can swallow with the tiniest bit of difficulty. the difficulty exists because it's unnecessary expenditure, which sucks either way.

so what's the link to perspective? well, as i was driving home, i saw that 2 cars were involved in an accident at the junction of upper thomson road and marymount lane. wasn't serious enough to be life-threatening, but was serious enough that at least one car's bumper totally came off, and a couple of police cars were activated. based on what i saw as i drove by, i think that either one or both of the drivers will not have access to their car(s) for about a week. that loss of convenience, plus the financial burden on the poor person whose insurance is about to be claimed, combine to make a $70 fine and a scratched mudguard seem like nothing at all. so perhaps worse things could have happened.

i'll admit that i'm still annoyed with myself, because both those things were preventable, and indeed would have been prevented had i been more careful. but at the same time, i'm realizing that these are small things which i have to take in stride. at the end of the day, they're way closer to the best-case scenario (nothing happening) than the worst-cases of car being damaged beyond repair and license revocation for mudguard and summons respectively. i can learn to live with it. as i've told myself in hopes of self-comfort/delusion, scratches give a car character. kind of like scars on people/animals, it shows that the car has been through tough times and emerged stronger. now that i've typed it out, i'm starting to see gaping holes in the analogy (a major one being that unlike people, cars have no control over their circumstances, so they're screwed if they have a lousy driver). but well. i'll choose to continue believing it. nothing like a good dose of self-deceit to take the heart pain away. and i don't mean heart pain in the relationship sense here. seriously. just saying.

-random thought of the day: Another slack week ahead!-

"Coughing up a lung" suddenly seems less like an exaggerated figure of speech and more like a possible threat to my health. the sticky green stuff is still coming, though thankfully the volume's gotten less with each day. the coughing itself's worsened, unfortunately, hence the feeling that a lung might just come up with the next coughing fit. i tried to gargle with salt water, though i'm not sure how much that helped. my reasoning is that coughing should be caused by bacteria in the throat. so, salt water should kill them by dehydration through osmosis or something along that line. then again, i'm a chemist, not a biologist or doctor, so who knows if i'm right? well...it seems that i'll have to be half a biologist soon, i think, so i should brush up a little lot.

nothing interesting happened in lab since the last update. most likely the new reaction won't work. now to tell my professor and maybe see what other weird ideas he has.

seems like i'm due to meet "person" and "advisor" tomorrow. i really don't know what's going to be the outcome. but no matter what, i will remain calm and collected, and stick to the facts. fingers crossed.

a few posts ago, i posted that i thought my meyer-briggs personality type had changed. i just did another test yesterday, and it seems that i'm still an INFP. odd. anyway, the one thing i've always identified very strongly with in the INFP description is that we/they are generally easygoing, and will only become uncompromising if our/their core values have been compromised, as was the case for me with 义气 in the relationship thing. so perhaps i was actually reinforcing my type, and not defying it as i'd thought i was. actually, let's break it down. the 4 categories are I(ntroverted) vs E(xtroverted), (i)N(tuitive) vs S(ensing), F(eeling) vs T(hinking), and P(erceiving) vs J(udging). so that's a total of 16 (ie. 2⁴) possible personality types. the particular test i took also has an additional category: assertive vs turbulent, of which i am the former.

starting with I vs E, i'm totally not going to argue this one. i am an introvert, and the test rates me as 58% I (0% being completely neutral, NOT 50%). too much social interaction can be overwhelming for me, and i do take "me-days" every now and then. fortunately, that hasn't really been a problem in my current lab, and doesn't look like it will be a problem in the new lab, either. i'm not 100% introvert, though, because i do enjoy spending time with people who matter to me. people like the chem kids, my cousin, some SJI/CJC juniors, (occasionally) the BPS kids, and some others. poor social life, but i'm fine with that.

next is N vs S, with 23% N. intuitive means that i focus on future possibilities, ideas, imagination. that's true. i do have a pretty vivid imagination (though it's not always a blessing). i like to plan out several routes and see various possibilities, like having multiple synthesis routes in decreasing likelihood of success. that's in contrast to S people, who are down-to-earth and focus on what's happened. then again, i do have an S side as well...just that my N side wins out.

for T vs F, i'm 22% in favour of F, meaning that i follow my heart more than my head. this is perhaps best illustrated by the relationship thing, where i still tried to explain away all the warning signs coming from "person", because my heart told me to give it a shot. of course, that might have been my addled senses too, so maybe that's not such a good example. scientific training has helped to bring up the T part, though i still find that my default reaction is to go with my feelings. hence it's also good that i write stuff here for analysis.

between J and P, i'm 43% P. P means that i keep my options open, want freedom, dislike deadlines, and am generally relaxed about work. that describes me uncannily well. although there's a bit of J in me as well, in the sense that i like some (bendable) rules and guidelines (there's the P!), and given the nature of my work, have to observe certain deadlines, like graduation.

the last trait is a bit new to me. i'm 22% assertive, which means that i'm calm, relaxed, and usually don't worry too much. to put it less nicely, a bochup slacker. at the same time, i don't want to go to the turbulent side. that side sounds a bit too kancheong for my liking.

well, i guess at the end of the day, it's all about balance. for all of these aspects, both sides exist in every one of us. just that we tend to favour different sides to different extents. so it's not like i'm a complete introvert who hates contact with the outside world. rather, i'm more likely to want time to myself than to be the centre of attention at a party. something like that. that's important for me to remember, because i do find myself falling into the trap of thinking that i don't have E/S/T/J aspects to my personality.

first training of the year for SJI/CJC tomorrow! i should go down and kaypoh a bit since group meeting has been put on indefinite hold. good opportunity to catch up with the coaches. wonder if there'll be any updates or interesting stuff?

-random thought of the day: Being sick sucks.-

Life is slowly returning to normal after that entire fiasco. distance really does help. been in lab every day this past week, trying out some simple reactions which may kickstart another project. not for me, though, since i'll be moving soon. i'm not too sure about this new reaction...preliminary observations/results don't look that promising. but hey, it's only for me to pass the time until the paperwork goes through. not to say that i won't do everything properly, but just that the reactions' success or failure don't really affect me that much any more.

i also had a brief chat with the organometallics professor (aka. my future boss) today. his version of events more or less tally with what my (soon-to-be ex-)professor told me previously, with one notable exception - the justification for transfer. that's actually a pretty important piece in the puzzle, because if worded incorrectly, it'll look bad on me. won't go into details just yet, but i'm going to write the truth - that my current professor is leaving and i want to change supervisors because of that.

since it's january, it seems like i'm due for a bout of illness. right on schedule, my throat started feeling scratchy on monday night, and i've been coughing a lot too, sometimes with sticky green stuff involved. it's probably just a small bug. with luck, i'll be over it by the end of the week.

previously i'd thought that i was at peace with the entire relationship thing. turns out that's not exactly true. i've given up on "person", so that's ok, more or less. as long as nobody else gets played. whatever "competition" does now doesn't really affect me, so i'm good on that front as well. which leaves "advisor". i don't know how to handle this situation. on one hand, i do feel like i've been betrayed. but then, it's not exactly justified for me to think that way, since there was never anything between me and "person" in the first place. like i mentioned in our facebook chat yesterday, technically, "advisor" didn't do any wrong, though i can't say the same from a moral/ethical standpoint.

i think i've figured it out...the main thing that bothers me is the lack of "义气 (yi qi, sense of honour/righteousness)". if i was asked to talk to someone my friend liked, in order to foster closer relations between them, the last thing i would do is to try to steal that person away, no matter how strongly i felt towards that person. or at least i'd give my friend a fair shot first before stepping in if things turned sour later. it's basic human decency, i think. although i've identified the cause, i still don't know how to make it better (after eliminating all the violent options). and that's ok, not to know. i don't have the answers to everything, after all.

so right now, i guess i'll just do some experiments and bide my time until the transfer goes through. going to set things in motion next week, when the relevant admin personnel comes back from leave. hoping that no stunts will be pulled by any/all parties, and that things go through smoothly, and i can start in the new lab by the end of the month.

-random thought of the day: When will I be able to move!!??-

The past 2 days have been...enlightening, to say the least. there are a couple of things that i've had to change my stand on. i'll start by giving a big round-up, and then a final final update of the relationship situation.

there are 4 main characters (me, person i like, "competition", and "advisor"), and a whole host of secondary characters (observers) involved. so what happened was that we met over coffee on 20 december (saturday). i had met "competition" before at a previous coffee thing, but it was the first time meeting the other main characters and most of the secondary characters. we had a good time at coffee and the subsequent dinner, and suddenly we decided to meet again for dinner the very next day. so we did. among the people who went, there was me, "person", and "competition". things were kept friendly, and i think that was when i started at feel a bit more than friendship for "person", because of several qualities, like "person" being nice, sociable, easy to talk to, really really good-looking (i'll admit that at the risk of sounding superficial)...things that draw people in naturally.

a few days later, "advisor" was feeling a bit down, so we met at nex, along with a few other secondary characters, just to give moral support. it was probably then when i thought that "advisor" and i would make good friends, and that i might/could care for "advisor" like a junior. i had made it clear that i only thought of us as friends, but somehow, that message was forgotten later.

fast forward to christmas eve, "person" and "competition" went on a "date". "date" is in quotes because i think only "competition" viewed it as such. anyway, they did some stuff which was a little too intimate for a first date (like sleeping over), even if it was really a date. so, i felt kind of upset, because it seemed like "competition" was closer to "person" than i was. so that explained why i was feeling emo during christmas, because i thought that i had lost my chance with "person" by not being fast enough to ask. looking back, it's already starting to sound so stupid.

then on boxing day, i asked "person" out for dinner, where i kind of did the whole awkward thing...confessing, agreeing to take it slow, be friends first, that whole bunch of stuff. i thought that we had made some headway, though i'll never know for sure now. one thing i know now but not then was that "competition" was jealous that i met "person", to quite an extreme extent. you see, they had been flirting a bit through whatsapp over the past few days, so in "competition's" mind, they were already somewhat unofficially together. on that same night, i also met "advisor" to get another opinion of what was going on and where we all stood on this. i can't remember how exactly the conversation went, but the advice/information that was given then is already irrelevant, so no point trying to recall. i also mentioned to "advisor" that i cared for them. that proved to be a significant plot point later.

next significant event was karaoke sunday, with "competition", "person", and a few other secondary characters again. "competition" made soup for "person", which was the next warning bell for me (the "date" being the first). i mean, with the exception of barbeques and one french toast episode, i have like never cooked anything for my friends, no matter how close they are. the french toast was different, considering i'd known those friends for about...5 years(?) at that time. we still keep in contact, by the way. i have never ever cooked for someone whom i've known for less than a fortnight. i didn't say anything at that time, because i thought that might be overstepping my boundaries. so during karaoke, i thought that i clicked with "person", since we had these little moments/instances of what i thought was mutual connection while singing together. hence, i thought that things were going well. after karaoke, as you know already, i got "competition" alone and asked for their perspective ad status, to which the reply was that i was thinking too much, and everybody was just friends. that's why i decided to make my stand clear and say that i liked "person", and ask for "competition's" understanding. although i didn't know it at that time, "competition" got insanely jealous, to the point of triggering an anxiety attack, which one of the secondary characters helped to manage via whatsapp or SMS or whatever. although i felt kind of bad for putting "competition" through that, i don't exactly regret it. i did what i felt was right/appropriate at that time.

in the days leading up to the chalet, i talked a bit with "advisor", who promised to help mediate between "person" and i, and perhaps help us get closer. also talked to the secondary character who is close to both "competition" and myself. it seems that "person" told "competition" that they should not hold hands at the chalet, triggering another (worse) bout of anxiety, to the point where physical intervention by a whole group of secondary characters was required. so that was (or should have been) another warning bell. instead, i was irrational to the point of trivializing/ignoring it, because i thought that meant that "person" was taking my feelings into account, or favoured me over "competition". such moron, right? i know. don't rub it in.

finally, chalet day. "person" and "competition" were somewhat physically close at the beginning, which irritated me. to be fair, i did get my share of (PG) physical contact and "competition"-less time with "person", which sort of balanced things out. "advisor" and "person" disappeared for a significant length of time, for what i presumed was their talk. i thought that it was odd that they went off alone without me, considering that i was supposed to be part of the equation, but didn't think too much of it. i later learnt that some kissing might or might not have taken place, but by that time, i really couldn't be bothered any more. it happened either before or after "advisor" got severely drunk, i don't remember. all i know is that they got close during their walk/talk, to the extent of sleeping together in the same bed when they got back. more stuff may or may not have happened, i can't say for sure. while drunk, "advisor" screamed "don't touch me!" at me when i was adjusting the lying position. i thought that it was just due to drunkenness and also knowing that "advisor" has issues with someone else, i didn't think too much about it at that time, nor consider that it was really directed at me. big mistake. "advisor" also had a mild fainting spell due to low blood pressure sometime later. being a trained first-aider, i was doing stuff like monitoring pulse, breathing and all that...which i think "advisor" felt was an invasion of privacy, or my attempt to get close/take advantage. granted that nobody save one of the secondary characters knows that i'm a qualified coach and first-aider, i can see how the misunderstanding arose. so the chalet ended, and i messaged "advisor" privately, and it was somehow implied that "person" and "advisor" were feeling things for each other. so, my new year's post was largely my reaction to that piece of news. also, it seems that "advisor" heard that "person" was uncomfortable with how physically close we ("person" and i) were, which i thought was odd, since that never came up in our conversations at all. in fact, "person" still hugged me goodbye as we went our separate ways home after the chalet, hence my odd feeling that something still doesn't add up, and that "person" is not being completely honest.

in the evening, after publishing the new year's day post, i met with a secondary character for dinner. it was then i learnt the full story, that "person" had been manipulating "competition" and myself, and seemed to be starting in on "advisor". i'm not saying this in anger or in the heat of the moment; i do have evidence. for example, "person" told "competition" some time ago that i was more their ("person's") type, making "competition" super jealous. at the same time, my agreement with "person" was "just friends", but with the potential for something more. so perhaps i was stupid in the sense that i tried to push that potential a bit too far, adding on to "competition's" wrong impression. "person" was also more-than-friendly with "competition", which made me jealous too, though with no good reason. after all, we were supposed to be just friends. but then...human emotions. what can i do, right? in fact, i think that "competition" would have liked to so-called stake a claim on "person", get "person" off the market, so to speak. but "person" said to keep whatever they had under wraps. that was like, not even a warning bell any more. should have been a damned warning beacon to me. but i kept hoping that it was one-sided on "competition's" part, which it kind of was, because "person" never had any intention of starting anything with any of us. and this secondary character had had bad vibes about "person" and had told me as much before. i just feel bad and idiotic for not treating that with the appropriate priority/urgency, considering that i've always known deep down that this character has had my well-being at the forefront.

and it also seems that "advisor" was feeling bad for doing an S_N2 reaction (you'll get it if you're a chemist). although i was upset initially, i realized that if that could happen, maybe "person" didn't feel equally strongly for me as i felt for "person", if there were ever any feelings of that nature involved in the first place. because i mean, officially, we're friends. so if you want to be really really strict about definitions, it was actually "advisor", "competition", and i as nucleophiles in competing S_N1 reactions...which "advisor" seems to have won.

what pisses me off the most was that "person" played "competition". if "person" had just played me alone, i would still be upset, emo, everything that i was previously. but the thing is, i have decent mental/emotional strength and a(n unbelievably) good support network, as i'm finding out day by day. i'm confident of bouncing back eventually. while "competition" does have support structures in place, our mental states are vastly different. considering that "person" trying to create distance already brought on an anxiety attack, i'd hate to think what might happen under more drastic scenarios. hint: the phrase "suicide attempt" has already figured in at one point. to mess with someone just for fun when they are at the risk of doing something like taking their own life goes a bit too far, in my book.

i guess that i should have seen some signs...like "person" being a bit too friendly/flirty, and admitting to having a pretty active bedroom life, if you know what i mean. i later found out that "person" had a one-night stand with a friend's friend. and the latter was unceremoniously dumped/cut off after that. although it doesn't surprise me now, i wonder if i would have tried to defend "person" while i was still hopelessly enamoured.

now that i'm a bit more clear-headed, all the evidence points to "person" being...well, not exactly manipulative. it's more like "person" never explicitly stated/defined anything, but there was no discouragement, either. the reason, as we have concluded, is that "person" enjoys the attention. i can kind of understand wanting the limelight, although (1) it's totally not my thing, and (2) i feel the methods used in this case are wrong. what surprises me, though, is for someone as good-looking as "person", there should be no lack of admirers or stuff like that. why mess with people? to get an extra kick? or perhaps admirers change their opinion after knowing "person" more, like i have. still, i will try to see the good in "person". perhaps "person" is just genuinely really really friendly to people, and isn't aware that wrong signals are being sent out (as much as i doubt that...). or hopefully this attention-seeking thing is a phase, which "person" will hopefully grow out of in a few years. maybe then, it might be possible for something (friendship or more) to develop? not placing too high hopes on that though. for me, trust lost is difficult to regain.

on a separate issue, "advisor" thought that i might harbour more-than-platonic feelings, because i did the whole checking-on-drunk-"advisor" thing. thing is, i did that out of care/concern foremost, and professionalism/obligation as a certified first-aider second. i really do not feel anything for "advisor" beyond friendship. ok, perhaps some sibling protectiveness, but that's about as far as it went. perhaps i gave the wrong signals, by being a little more physically close that strictly necessary (everything's still PG!). in that sense, i'm to blame. but i've clarified it, so hopefully my words will be taken into account.

guess that's it. that's the first thing that i was wrong about, my assessment of the situation. although i didn't have perfect knowledge and my analytical skills turned to rubbish, i still do feel that i could have done some things better, listened more attentively to some people who matter, and considered their advice more seriously. the only possible future development is that i'll be meeting "person" to clear everything up and tell them that what they did was severely not cool. interestingly, "person" wants "advisor" to be present as well, for "physical security", as it was put to me. i laughed when i read that message. i could take on the both of them easily, even on my most off of off-days. but still, i promised no violence and to keep my hands to myself. i will do my utmost to stick to that. as long as we are civil and no lies are involved, i think i can manage that just fine.

although i feel like i've been through the wringer multiple times in the past 2 weeks, i somehow oddly don't really wish all this never happened. as weird as it sounds, there's quite a significant silver lining to this whole stormcloud. for one, i've made genuine friends, and confided in people whom i'd never thought that i would have otherwise. people like my chemical engineer cousin, who's been absolutely amazing in giving me her unbiased assessment and advice throughout all of this, and supplementing it with various anecdotes from her past relationships and current married life. also, an old secondary school friend whom i've blogged about before...the one with whom i've agreed to disagree on regarding tattoos. he's been surprisingly cool about everything, which i am extremely grateful for. and of course, the 4 or so chem kids (and senior!) to whom i'm closer have also offered their support, advice, opinions, and personal experience.

it turns out that that's the second thing i'm wrong about. i'd previously thought that the chem kids, at least, had relationships that were all nice and smooth-sailing. doesn't seem to be the case, as i learnt after a long talk with some of them last night/this morning. without saying too much, the main few problems are distance, character, religion, parents. so...everyone has their difficulties, i guess. in a sense, i'm grateful, because for my issue, nothing really serious had developed yet, so dropping "person" isn't that difficult. for my friends...it will probably be more damaging if things go south. of course, i'm hoping that they will last with their respective current partners, since each pair seems to be pretty compatible to me. or if things don't work out, i hope that they will find people who see them for the amazing guys that they are, and like my cousin with her husband, think of their "flaws" as just unique character traits. but well, i don't want to jinx anything.

wow that was a lot of stuff. feels like i scrubbed out my brain, heart, and maybe soul. nah. probably not soul. let's stick with brain and heart. i'm hoping that things will look up from here on. considering that i'm not going to care too much about "person" (who has been demoted to a profanity that i will not publish here. hint: starts with F, ends in -er), i think the drama will die off on its own. once again, i'm thankful that all this happened in a period of relative downtime in NUS, which reminds me. i have to set the gears in motion. must get my lab transfer done ASAP.

-random thought of the day: Why/how do holes develop in socks?-

Superstition says that the tone of your year will be set by your mood/feelings on new years' day. there's a reason why it's called superstition and not fact. my last new year's post was generally positive in tone, and yet look how the year-end post went. maybe if i'm super pessimistic now, my year-end post might contain more good stuff? i don't know, and i honestly don't think so. so i guess i'll just blog as i usually do.

true to expectation, the chalet was a turning point. just not in the way that i had prepared for. expect the unexpected again, right!? funny how that still catches me, even after i blogged about it just last damned night. but yes, i saw some tentative signs earlier, and decided to ignore them. these signs then got confirmed from the horse's mouth barely an hour ago. so, i guess this whole relationship issue is over. well, not exactly. something that never started can't be over, right? right.

so, how do i feel about this? i'd be either lying or superhuman (but more probably the former) if i said that i wasn't hurting. it definitely sucks, to know that the person you like likes someone else...especially when the someone else is someone you trusted for advice when interacting with that first person. on that note, i do feel a bit betrayed, that the advice person knew about my feelings for the first person and "allowed" something to happen between them. but my feeling betrayed is most likely not justified. after all, all's fair in love and war, and one can't love to order. i can't control others' feelings, nor can i dictate anything about their lives, their choices, their anything, really. furthermore, i don't know who initiated anything, so it's unfair of me to assign blame. and of course, i was stupid enough not to consider any other eventualities, and focused entirely on the wrong "competition". what i do know at this point in time is that it seems to be mutual, so as per my self-imposed code of conduct, i'll step back as gracefully as i can, and not interfere with the natural progression of things between them. right now, the wound is a little too raw for me to honestly say that i wish them well, but i hope that with time, i'll be able to say that, and genuinely mean it. lastly, i definitely feel sad that things couldn't be worked out between me and that person, and guilty that i made that person a little uncomfortable by wanting direct answers to most things. it's unfortunate that we ended up on these terms, because the impression i'm getting is that the friendship may not be salvageable. well...i figure the best course of action would be to retreat into the shadows for a (long) while until things have stabilized, then start from scratch again to try and be friends.

next question: what now? life goes on as normal, i suppose. i can't expect the world to go on hold to suit my convenience, right? i'm expecting that it'll be hard at first, but eventually, i'll be able to look at them without feeling stabs of hurt and jealousy. putting things into perspective, we are just 4 people in a world of 7 000 000 000. we don't even account for 1% of the population. not even 0.001%, for that matter. how many times has this scenario played out throughout the world, over space and time? all in all, this drama is insignificant in the grand scheme of things. somehow that doesn't help as much as i'd thought/hoped it would. ultimately, the most important thing for me to know is that forced love isn't love. that, and in a world of 7 billion people, and a country of about 5 million, there are still many many people that i haven't met yet. one of them might prove to be a better fit.

speaking of a better fit, i was in the shower some time back when i thought about how relationship dynamics can be explained by/compared to enzyme kinetics and molecular evolution. you see, 2 partners are like a ligand and a target. might be an enzyme and substrate, or a messenger and receptor. anyway, when the 2 things come together, there'll be induced fit, ie. both partners' structures will change slightly to accommodate each other. it's said that love is a transformative force, right? and if all goes well, they'll stay together forever. but if a stronger-binding ligand comes along and displaces the original ligand, it will have been changed somewhat, and it will more likely show better selectivity to a more appropriate receptor, hence the molecular evolution angle. might be a stupid/ill-fitting analogy, but it's one way to reconcile what's been happening to something i'm somewhat more familiar with.

as with all experiences in life, i think the most important question to ask here is, what are the key lessons i can take away from this? #1, different things make different people tick. also related, there's more than one way to solve a problem. just because i favour the direct approach doesn't mean that it's the best way for all situations that come up, or that everyone else i meet will be comfortable with it. #2, i need to learn more tact. among the chem kids, i'd say that i rank as one of the top 3 or 4 most tactful. but that's not saying much, considering that the population size is 13 guys, a few of whom have major major foot-in-mouth issues. furthermore, issues within the chem kids don't normally tend to be romantic in nature, as a significant portion of us are already in relationships (not with each other!), while singles like me don't see potential partners within the group. so this whole relationship thing is still horribly foreign to me. #3, looks shouldn't matter, but they do. i was behaving really irrationally around that person because as i've mentioned before, i found them attractive almost beyond belief. the fact that such a person was paying any attention to me, and that there was this stupid CHANCE that things could develop, both combined and turned my brain to mush. perhaps this is all new to me, but i'm starting to realize how immature/moronic i was being. #4, guard myself more. i think things went the way they did largely because i was too honest and open. consequently, people may have used what they knew of my feelings to their advantage. as much as i hate to hide behind several layers of half-truths, omissions, and perhaps even outright lies/fakeness, i'm starting to see that it may be a necessary evil. it goes against something i strongly believe in, which is to be genuine to other people, so i imagine that it would be a pretty difficult skill to acquire. but well. maybe i can classify it under "tact" to get past the mental block. that, or my newton's third law of social interaction.

quite a long detour, huh? now for the new year's post proper. this year, i'm not going to make too many resolutions. instead, i'd rather concentrate really hard on a few simple statements, first of which being: take care of myself. by this, i mean in all aspects of life...physically, mentally, emotionally. my ultimate goal is to make 2015 a year of net happiness. that's different from just "happiness", as the latter implies that sad events won't happen. net happiness means that the magnitude of happy events will outweigh that of sad events, which seems more realistic than hoping for totally zero sadness.

statement 2: be more honest. that seems to be in direct contradiction with me needing to learn more tact, and perhaps it is, because i'm referring to something totally different. for the past 10-over years, i've been very elusive when faced with a question that is very simple by most people's standards. the simplest form of the question is just in yes/no format, 3 words long. and yet, my answers can go one round around the bushes and still not give a definite reply. that will change this year. i will not volunteer the information freely or to any old person, but i will tell the truth if asked personally, and perhaps give little clues here and there that will be obvious to people who know what to look out for. that's an acceptable compromise, i think. as for the tact thing, i think i have to work out a separate compromise. my mind isn't yet working at a level capable of handling that, so i'll leave it for a while.

statement 3: to have a purpose in mind. be it for research (degree), judo (international referee), relationship (??), whatever. i should know what i'm working towards. and if i don't, i should define something, even if it is a small goal. i guess the temporary goal for "relationship" can be "get over the past 2 weeks' worth of stuff". whenever things seem to be going awry, i just have to remind myself of these goals, and focus on the big picture.

i forgot this next bit in the last post. while talking to my psychologist friend, he told me to focus on the positives, like i have a (nice shiny lovely) car, a steady source of income, supportive friends, etc. etc. i realize that i am incredibly fortunate compared to certain other people, who may have to (for example) work multiple jobs, work "gross" jobs, not even have a job, not even have good health, etc. just because i suck at the relationship aspect, it doesn't devalue any of the other stuff. i should consider things as a whole, then things will fall nicely into perspective.

last thing. how am i going to get over the relationship issue? i don't deny that this instance has been the strongest that i've felt issues of this nature, because of that damned chance which didn't exist previously. consequently, i'm not sure how i'm going to handle it. my reflex response would be to stick my head into the sand and wait for things to pass. that translates into hiding in lab, physically away from this group of friends, maybe exiting the whatsapp group and unfriending a few people on facebook. let's take things gradually and see how drastic measures i have to take. it kind of feels like i'm being ripped apart on the inside. but then, maybe demolishing what's already there is the only way to build something even stronger. the demolition process hurts like hell, but as i've discussed with my cousin, perhaps in a few years, or when i've found the one, i'll look back on this and laugh at the melodramatic idiot i'm being now. you know, i'm really, sincerely looking forward to that time. but since i'm still freshly-hurt from all the stuff, it's difficult to laugh about it at this stage. i use "depressed" quite a bit when speaking, but never while writing, because it's serious. while i think the odds of it happening are really low, i would hate to go into depression. based on what i've heard about it, it doesn't sound fun. but well. i guess i'll do what i can to pick up the pieces and move on, bit by bit, day by day. that sounds reasonable. i really wonder, if this is how i react to a failed not-yet relationship, how will i react after a serious relationship ends? i honestly hope i never ever find out.

well, sorry for going against the trend and not writing a new year's post that's brimming with excitement of future prospects and bordering-on-foolish optimism that things will go my way all the way. after all that's happened, i think i'll adopt a more...guarded approach. not that i'm HOPING for things to fail, mind you, but if they do, i want to be prepared. at the same time, i will remain cautiously and realistically optimistic that the odds may be in my favour. having said that, i wish you good luck in the coming 364-and-a-bit days, and may we all end the year in a better state, and as better people as compared to when we started it.

-random thought of the day: Keep moving forward.-