Superstition says that the tone of your year will be set by your mood/feelings on new years' day. there's a reason why it's called superstition and not fact. my last new year's post was generally positive in tone, and yet look how the year-end post went. maybe if i'm super pessimistic now, my year-end post might contain more good stuff? i don't know, and i honestly don't think so. so i guess i'll just blog as i usually do.
true to expectation, the chalet was a turning point. just not in the way that i had prepared for. expect the unexpected again, right!? funny how that still catches me, even after i blogged about it just last damned night. but yes, i saw some tentative signs earlier, and decided to ignore them. these signs then got confirmed from the horse's mouth barely an hour ago. so, i guess this whole relationship issue is over. well, not exactly. something that never started can't be over, right? right.
so, how do i feel about this? i'd be either lying or superhuman (but more probably the former) if i said that i wasn't hurting. it definitely sucks, to know that the person you like likes someone else...especially when the someone else is someone you trusted for advice when interacting with that first person. on that note, i do feel a bit betrayed, that the advice person knew about my feelings for the first person and "allowed" something to happen between them. but my feeling betrayed is most likely not justified. after all, all's fair in love and war, and one can't love to order. i can't control others' feelings, nor can i dictate anything about their lives, their choices, their anything, really. furthermore, i don't know who initiated anything, so it's unfair of me to assign blame. and of course, i was stupid enough not to consider any other eventualities, and focused entirely on the wrong "competition". what i do know at this point in time is that it seems to be mutual, so as per my self-imposed code of conduct, i'll step back as gracefully as i can, and not interfere with the natural progression of things between them. right now, the wound is a little too raw for me to honestly say that i wish them well, but i hope that with time, i'll be able to say that, and genuinely mean it. lastly, i definitely feel sad that things couldn't be worked out between me and that person, and guilty that i made that person a little uncomfortable by wanting direct answers to most things. it's unfortunate that we ended up on these terms, because the impression i'm getting is that the friendship may not be salvageable. well...i figure the best course of action would be to retreat into the shadows for a (long) while until things have stabilized, then start from scratch again to try and be friends.
next question: what now? life goes on as normal, i suppose. i can't expect the world to go on hold to suit my convenience, right? i'm expecting that it'll be hard at first, but eventually, i'll be able to look at them without feeling stabs of hurt and jealousy. putting things into perspective, we are just 4 people in a world of 7 000 000 000. we don't even account for 1% of the population. not even 0.001%, for that matter. how many times has this scenario played out throughout the world, over space and time? all in all, this drama is insignificant in the grand scheme of things. somehow that doesn't help as much as i'd thought/hoped it would. ultimately, the most important thing for me to know is that forced love isn't love. that, and in a world of 7 billion people, and a country of about 5 million, there are still many many people that i haven't met yet. one of them might prove to be a better fit.
speaking of a better fit, i was in the shower some time back when i thought about how relationship dynamics can be explained by/compared to enzyme kinetics and molecular evolution. you see, 2 partners are like a ligand and a target. might be an enzyme and substrate, or a messenger and receptor. anyway, when the 2 things come together, there'll be induced fit, ie. both partners' structures will change slightly to accommodate each other. it's said that love is a transformative force, right? and if all goes well, they'll stay together forever. but if a stronger-binding ligand comes along and displaces the original ligand, it will have been changed somewhat, and it will more likely show better selectivity to a more appropriate receptor, hence the molecular evolution angle. might be a stupid/ill-fitting analogy, but it's one way to reconcile what's been happening to something i'm somewhat more familiar with.
as with all experiences in life, i think the most important question to ask here is, what are the key lessons i can take away from this? #1, different things make different people tick. also related, there's more than one way to solve a problem. just because i favour the direct approach doesn't mean that it's the best way for all situations that come up, or that everyone else i meet will be comfortable with it. #2, i need to learn more tact. among the chem kids, i'd say that i rank as one of the top 3 or 4 most tactful. but that's not saying much, considering that the population size is 13 guys, a few of whom have major major foot-in-mouth issues. furthermore, issues within the chem kids don't normally tend to be romantic in nature, as a significant portion of us are already in relationships (not with each other!), while singles like me don't see potential partners within the group. so this whole relationship thing is still horribly foreign to me. #3, looks shouldn't matter, but they do. i was behaving really irrationally around that person because as i've mentioned before, i found them attractive almost beyond belief. the fact that such a person was paying any attention to me, and that there was this stupid CHANCE that things could develop, both combined and turned my brain to mush. perhaps this is all new to me, but i'm starting to realize how immature/moronic i was being. #4, guard myself more. i think things went the way they did largely because i was too honest and open. consequently, people may have used what they knew of my feelings to their advantage. as much as i hate to hide behind several layers of half-truths, omissions, and perhaps even outright lies/fakeness, i'm starting to see that it may be a necessary evil. it goes against something i strongly believe in, which is to be genuine to other people, so i imagine that it would be a pretty difficult skill to acquire. but well. maybe i can classify it under "tact" to get past the mental block. that, or my newton's third law of social interaction.
quite a long detour, huh? now for the new year's post proper. this year, i'm not going to make too many resolutions. instead, i'd rather concentrate really hard on a few simple statements, first of which being: take care of myself. by this, i mean in all aspects of life...physically, mentally, emotionally. my ultimate goal is to make 2015 a year of net happiness. that's different from just "happiness", as the latter implies that sad events won't happen. net happiness means that the magnitude of happy events will outweigh that of sad events, which seems more realistic than hoping for totally zero sadness.
statement 2: be more honest. that seems to be in direct contradiction with me needing to learn more tact, and perhaps it is, because i'm referring to something totally different. for the past 10-over years, i've been very elusive when faced with a question that is very simple by most people's standards. the simplest form of the question is just in yes/no format, 3 words long. and yet, my answers can go one round around the bushes and still not give a definite reply. that will change this year. i will not volunteer the information freely or to any old person, but i will tell the truth if asked personally, and perhaps give little clues here and there that will be obvious to people who know what to look out for. that's an acceptable compromise, i think. as for the tact thing, i think i have to work out a separate compromise. my mind isn't yet working at a level capable of handling that, so i'll leave it for a while.
statement 3: to have a purpose in mind. be it for research (degree), judo (international referee), relationship (??), whatever. i should know what i'm working towards. and if i don't, i should define something, even if it is a small goal. i guess the temporary goal for "relationship" can be "get over the past 2 weeks' worth of stuff". whenever things seem to be going awry, i just have to remind myself of these goals, and focus on the big picture.
i forgot this next bit in the last post. while talking to my psychologist friend, he told me to focus on the positives, like i have a (nice shiny lovely) car, a steady source of income, supportive friends, etc. etc. i realize that i am incredibly fortunate compared to certain other people, who may have to (for example) work multiple jobs, work "gross" jobs, not even have a job, not even have good health, etc. just because i suck at the relationship aspect, it doesn't devalue any of the other stuff. i should consider things as a whole, then things will fall nicely into perspective.
last thing. how am i going to get over the relationship issue? i don't deny that this instance has been the strongest that i've felt issues of this nature, because of that damned chance which didn't exist previously. consequently, i'm not sure how i'm going to handle it. my reflex response would be to stick my head into the sand and wait for things to pass. that translates into hiding in lab, physically away from this group of friends, maybe exiting the whatsapp group and unfriending a few people on facebook. let's take things gradually and see how drastic measures i have to take. it kind of feels like i'm being ripped apart on the inside. but then, maybe demolishing what's already there is the only way to build something even stronger. the demolition process hurts like hell, but as i've discussed with my cousin, perhaps in a few years, or when i've found the one, i'll look back on this and laugh at the melodramatic idiot i'm being now. you know, i'm really, sincerely looking forward to that time. but since i'm still freshly-hurt from all the stuff, it's difficult to laugh about it at this stage. i use "depressed" quite a bit when speaking, but never while writing, because it's serious. while i think the odds of it happening are really low, i would hate to go into depression. based on what i've heard about it, it doesn't sound fun. but well. i guess i'll do what i can to pick up the pieces and move on, bit by bit, day by day. that sounds reasonable. i really wonder, if this is how i react to a failed not-yet relationship, how will i react after a serious relationship ends? i honestly hope i never ever find out.
well, sorry for going against the trend and not writing a new year's post that's brimming with excitement of future prospects and bordering-on-foolish optimism that things will go my way all the way. after all that's happened, i think i'll adopt a more...guarded approach. not that i'm HOPING for things to fail, mind you, but if they do, i want to be prepared. at the same time, i will remain cautiously and realistically optimistic that the odds may be in my favour. having said that, i wish you good luck in the coming 364-and-a-bit days, and may we all end the year in a better state, and as better people as compared to when we started it.
true to expectation, the chalet was a turning point. just not in the way that i had prepared for. expect the unexpected again, right!? funny how that still catches me, even after i blogged about it just last damned night. but yes, i saw some tentative signs earlier, and decided to ignore them. these signs then got confirmed from the horse's mouth barely an hour ago. so, i guess this whole relationship issue is over. well, not exactly. something that never started can't be over, right? right.
so, how do i feel about this? i'd be either lying or superhuman (but more probably the former) if i said that i wasn't hurting. it definitely sucks, to know that the person you like likes someone else...especially when the someone else is someone you trusted for advice when interacting with that first person. on that note, i do feel a bit betrayed, that the advice person knew about my feelings for the first person and "allowed" something to happen between them. but my feeling betrayed is most likely not justified. after all, all's fair in love and war, and one can't love to order. i can't control others' feelings, nor can i dictate anything about their lives, their choices, their anything, really. furthermore, i don't know who initiated anything, so it's unfair of me to assign blame. and of course, i was stupid enough not to consider any other eventualities, and focused entirely on the wrong "competition". what i do know at this point in time is that it seems to be mutual, so as per my self-imposed code of conduct, i'll step back as gracefully as i can, and not interfere with the natural progression of things between them. right now, the wound is a little too raw for me to honestly say that i wish them well, but i hope that with time, i'll be able to say that, and genuinely mean it. lastly, i definitely feel sad that things couldn't be worked out between me and that person, and guilty that i made that person a little uncomfortable by wanting direct answers to most things. it's unfortunate that we ended up on these terms, because the impression i'm getting is that the friendship may not be salvageable. well...i figure the best course of action would be to retreat into the shadows for a (long) while until things have stabilized, then start from scratch again to try and be friends.
next question: what now? life goes on as normal, i suppose. i can't expect the world to go on hold to suit my convenience, right? i'm expecting that it'll be hard at first, but eventually, i'll be able to look at them without feeling stabs of hurt and jealousy. putting things into perspective, we are just 4 people in a world of 7 000 000 000. we don't even account for 1% of the population. not even 0.001%, for that matter. how many times has this scenario played out throughout the world, over space and time? all in all, this drama is insignificant in the grand scheme of things. somehow that doesn't help as much as i'd thought/hoped it would. ultimately, the most important thing for me to know is that forced love isn't love. that, and in a world of 7 billion people, and a country of about 5 million, there are still many many people that i haven't met yet. one of them might prove to be a better fit.
speaking of a better fit, i was in the shower some time back when i thought about how relationship dynamics can be explained by/compared to enzyme kinetics and molecular evolution. you see, 2 partners are like a ligand and a target. might be an enzyme and substrate, or a messenger and receptor. anyway, when the 2 things come together, there'll be induced fit, ie. both partners' structures will change slightly to accommodate each other. it's said that love is a transformative force, right? and if all goes well, they'll stay together forever. but if a stronger-binding ligand comes along and displaces the original ligand, it will have been changed somewhat, and it will more likely show better selectivity to a more appropriate receptor, hence the molecular evolution angle. might be a stupid/ill-fitting analogy, but it's one way to reconcile what's been happening to something i'm somewhat more familiar with.
as with all experiences in life, i think the most important question to ask here is, what are the key lessons i can take away from this? #1, different things make different people tick. also related, there's more than one way to solve a problem. just because i favour the direct approach doesn't mean that it's the best way for all situations that come up, or that everyone else i meet will be comfortable with it. #2, i need to learn more tact. among the chem kids, i'd say that i rank as one of the top 3 or 4 most tactful. but that's not saying much, considering that the population size is 13 guys, a few of whom have major major foot-in-mouth issues. furthermore, issues within the chem kids don't normally tend to be romantic in nature, as a significant portion of us are already in relationships (not with each other!), while singles like me don't see potential partners within the group. so this whole relationship thing is still horribly foreign to me. #3, looks shouldn't matter, but they do. i was behaving really irrationally around that person because as i've mentioned before, i found them attractive almost beyond belief. the fact that such a person was paying any attention to me, and that there was this stupid CHANCE that things could develop, both combined and turned my brain to mush. perhaps this is all new to me, but i'm starting to realize how immature/moronic i was being. #4, guard myself more. i think things went the way they did largely because i was too honest and open. consequently, people may have used what they knew of my feelings to their advantage. as much as i hate to hide behind several layers of half-truths, omissions, and perhaps even outright lies/fakeness, i'm starting to see that it may be a necessary evil. it goes against something i strongly believe in, which is to be genuine to other people, so i imagine that it would be a pretty difficult skill to acquire. but well. maybe i can classify it under "tact" to get past the mental block. that, or my newton's third law of social interaction.
quite a long detour, huh? now for the new year's post proper. this year, i'm not going to make too many resolutions. instead, i'd rather concentrate really hard on a few simple statements, first of which being: take care of myself. by this, i mean in all aspects of life...physically, mentally, emotionally. my ultimate goal is to make 2015 a year of net happiness. that's different from just "happiness", as the latter implies that sad events won't happen. net happiness means that the magnitude of happy events will outweigh that of sad events, which seems more realistic than hoping for totally zero sadness.
statement 2: be more honest. that seems to be in direct contradiction with me needing to learn more tact, and perhaps it is, because i'm referring to something totally different. for the past 10-over years, i've been very elusive when faced with a question that is very simple by most people's standards. the simplest form of the question is just in yes/no format, 3 words long. and yet, my answers can go one round around the bushes and still not give a definite reply. that will change this year. i will not volunteer the information freely or to any old person, but i will tell the truth if asked personally, and perhaps give little clues here and there that will be obvious to people who know what to look out for. that's an acceptable compromise, i think. as for the tact thing, i think i have to work out a separate compromise. my mind isn't yet working at a level capable of handling that, so i'll leave it for a while.
statement 3: to have a purpose in mind. be it for research (degree), judo (international referee), relationship (??), whatever. i should know what i'm working towards. and if i don't, i should define something, even if it is a small goal. i guess the temporary goal for "relationship" can be "get over the past 2 weeks' worth of stuff". whenever things seem to be going awry, i just have to remind myself of these goals, and focus on the big picture.
i forgot this next bit in the last post. while talking to my psychologist friend, he told me to focus on the positives, like i have a (nice shiny lovely) car, a steady source of income, supportive friends, etc. etc. i realize that i am incredibly fortunate compared to certain other people, who may have to (for example) work multiple jobs, work "gross" jobs, not even have a job, not even have good health, etc. just because i suck at the relationship aspect, it doesn't devalue any of the other stuff. i should consider things as a whole, then things will fall nicely into perspective.
last thing. how am i going to get over the relationship issue? i don't deny that this instance has been the strongest that i've felt issues of this nature, because of that damned chance which didn't exist previously. consequently, i'm not sure how i'm going to handle it. my reflex response would be to stick my head into the sand and wait for things to pass. that translates into hiding in lab, physically away from this group of friends, maybe exiting the whatsapp group and unfriending a few people on facebook. let's take things gradually and see how drastic measures i have to take. it kind of feels like i'm being ripped apart on the inside. but then, maybe demolishing what's already there is the only way to build something even stronger. the demolition process hurts like hell, but as i've discussed with my cousin, perhaps in a few years, or when i've found the one, i'll look back on this and laugh at the melodramatic idiot i'm being now. you know, i'm really, sincerely looking forward to that time. but since i'm still freshly-hurt from all the stuff, it's difficult to laugh about it at this stage. i use "depressed" quite a bit when speaking, but never while writing, because it's serious. while i think the odds of it happening are really low, i would hate to go into depression. based on what i've heard about it, it doesn't sound fun. but well. i guess i'll do what i can to pick up the pieces and move on, bit by bit, day by day. that sounds reasonable. i really wonder, if this is how i react to a failed not-yet relationship, how will i react after a serious relationship ends? i honestly hope i never ever find out.
well, sorry for going against the trend and not writing a new year's post that's brimming with excitement of future prospects and bordering-on-foolish optimism that things will go my way all the way. after all that's happened, i think i'll adopt a more...guarded approach. not that i'm HOPING for things to fail, mind you, but if they do, i want to be prepared. at the same time, i will remain cautiously and realistically optimistic that the odds may be in my favour. having said that, i wish you good luck in the coming 364-and-a-bit days, and may we all end the year in a better state, and as better people as compared to when we started it.
-random thought of the day: Keep moving forward.-
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