Probably started after NS with the whole MLM fiasco, but there's been a constant refrain of "i'm bad at/not cut out for business" going round in my head. losing the equivalent of about 1.5 months' pay left an impact, i guess. granted that it was NSF pay, so not that much in absolute terms, but it was a lot to me at that time. so i hope you can see why i was a little hesitant when my cousin told me about search funds and what they do. to reinforce my own knowledge, i'm going to rephrase it in my own words: search funds raise money to take over healthy businesses for cheap. what "healthy" means is businesses with positive cash flow, low debt, good profits, etc. the goal isn't to turn the business around, but rather to keep up current operations as a bare minimum, or ideally to grow, optimize, and improve on it more. the final goal is to sell the business at a (huge) profit. and the question i had initially was, "why would anyone want to sell a healthy business for lower than its actual value?" there are a bunch of reasons, such as the owners wanting to move on/retire, the next generation not expressing interest in the business, or maybe the owner ran into financial difficulties and is trying to raise funds. i'll admit, i'm not the most well-read on the topic yet. some finer details still elude me, like where/how to raise the funds to buy such a business, and what to look out for when business-shopping, among others.

strange, isn't it? doing this will most likely mean moving away from science eventually, but compared to my mentor figure's rural japan tours idea, i find this to be more palatable. i wonder why. maybe it's more gradual? while this can be a full-time thing, that would necessitate having enough savings put away to sustain you until you found a business and successfully took it over. that may take months, years, or never. that's why some people do it part-time, so they can have a steady source of income while searching. it's definitely something that i'll need to get more opinions and information on. oddly, i think i can see myself doing this. i'm attributing it to the dunning-kruger effect, which is the phenomenon where people with limited knowledge in a particular area overestimate their ability in that area. i think it's a positive sign though, that i'm becoming more open to trying business out. or it might be desperation, because no job offers have come through yet.

i attended a free zoom webinar this morning at 6 am (the speaker was an hour ahead, but it was still too early!). it was sold as a "masterclass" on communication skills, and the dunning-kruger effect was a topic that was covered. i realize that i'm stuck at the "knowledge acquisition" stage of most things, and that's the reason why my confidence is low although my knowledge is high. the most useful takeaways i got were (1) confidence is built by applying acquired knowledge, then reflecting and improving on it; (2) 2 easy frameworks for conversation are - point, action, result, ask (PARA) and 3 steps, 2 types, 1 thing (321). unfortunately, although it claimed to be a 2 hour masterclass, it was more like 1 hour of useful content followed by 1 hour of selling the speaker's training packages. i guess i shouldn't be surprised - "free" things are very often not truly free. at least there was some useful content, so it was kind of worth the tradeoff in time. also don't tell anyone, but i left it running in the background as soon as the selling started. the thing that i find kind of amazing is the speaker's belief that reality is negotiable and dependent on one's communication skills. i get what he's trying to say, but i think that it's a bit of an oversell. i guess i should work on my communication skills more, if i'm trying to get people to sell their businesses to me and getting people to fund my business purchase. it's true, i don't really speak up and offer my opinions. i wonder why? not wanting to monopolize the conversation, maybe.

my cousin and i also talked about various things, both ongoing and past. one of them was family. not going to do the dirty laundry thing here, but our lives could have been so different if certain past events played out differently. yes, i know it's no use crying over spilt milk. still, one can't help but wonder. i also realized (again) that one reason we're so close is because we have the exact same relatives. i've probably mentioned before: even though we say that we're cousins for simplicity, we're technically half-brothers because we're related on both sides. this means that we share all the same cousins, so we know exactly who we're talking about in the extended family. the only exception is that now he's married, i only know a bit about his wife's side. he also told me that while he wasn't fully convinced about plan UK, he hoped that it would work out. and if it didn't, it'd be a learning experience. i think that's the kind of realistic support i need. i love scary JC friend, but sometimes she can be too fixated on the positives. conversely, my mentor figure's feedback focused too much on the negatives, criticizing the UK until "bo jit teh ho" (translation from dialect: not one piece of good left). talking to him reminded me that i should have an exit plan ready. you know, hope for the best but plan for the worst.

aside from that, i also had lighter conversation with him and his family over dinner at their place. the two girls are interesting to talk to, and at 6 and 4 years old, their english levels are better than my secondary school kids' in japan. no joke! of course, their japanese is nonexistent, so it's just one side of the coin. i enjoyed talking and playing with them, but don't feel particularly paternal towards them, which i suppose is just as well. the older one was really good at spatial reasoning; we played a game (the full name escapes me now but it starts with a K) where you had to fit different tetris-style blocks into a given rectangular space, faster person wins. she beat me like, 4 to 2 or something. there were a few occasions when one of the kids came close to throwing a tantrum, which was averted in the end. it gave me some perspective, you know, about how some things can mean the world to a kid, but is inconsequential to an adult. pretty sure that can be applied to my generation and the generation above as well.

did you notice that i updated the template a little? it now says 21 days to my UK flight. i think i set it for my actual flight time? or it might be when i have to be at the airport, i honestly can't remember. but yes. time is ticking down. i think i may have put off the purchase of tailored work pants for too long, and if i were to commission some now, they wouldn't be done before my flight. well...the alternative is shopping off the shelf, but the fit wouldn't be as good. also i'm kind of reluctant to see how my weight has changed since coming back. i'm expecting a gain, but as long as it's under 3 or 4kg, i think it's ok. gaining 1kg a week would actually be pretty scary, so here's hoping. i also want to settle a few more transactions before flying off - namely laptop stuff, and it would be great if someone came along and swooped up all of my carousell listings. more hoping!

-random thought of the day: Ignorance is ok, but stupidity isn't.-

Epiphany! or epiphanies, rather; i've had a couple of them in the past few days. as usual, let's talk about things that happened before going into the deeper stuff.

this past wednesday was a public holiday, and my friend (one of the chemistry guys in the wider circle) organized lunch at his house. i think the last time we met was in 2018 or 2019. i distinctly remember he wanted to organize something in 2020, but cancelled it because of COVID. his 3 kids are in primary 4, primary 2, and K2 this year. to think that the youngest was just a baby when i last saw him! they've grown up to be really lively and again, i found myself thinking that the occasional day in their company is awesome, but i'd lose my mind if i had to see them 24/7. don't know how parents do it; i'm definitely still not the parenting type. i enjoyed the afternoon with them though! they reminded me of the primary school kids in japan...especially the youngest, who was literally climbing all over me. maybe kids aren't all that different after all, regardless of country.

in between the kids' antics, i caught up with him and his wife, who's a HOD in a local JC. we're the same age, so it's possible that i'd be that high up in another universe. she was telling me about kids being more open to discussing mental health issues, and having different definitions of success as compared to when we were in school. it's quite heartening to see this development! after talking to her, i thought to myself once again that i'm not cut out to be a teacher. not in the school system, at least. the teachers in japan also thought that i might like private tuition better, so that's some food for thought. interestingly, this friend of mine is now running a tuition centre, and he was thinking of asking me to teach there. we didn't discuss details due to plan UK, but it's good that i have an open door somewhere.

side note: remember my tooth that got chipped in japan? the patch fell out again on tuesday night. i'd wanted to get it redone ASAP, but the dental clinic was closed due to the public holiday. given that the patch jobs seem to need replacing every so often, i've decided to save myself the hassle and let it be. it's not causing me pain, and i don't think it's noticeable unless you really pay attention. besides, it might end up being a talking point! is this a step closer to embracing my imperfections? hopefully.

thursday was a busy day! and as my busy days often do, it didn't go smoothly. first stop was to toa payoh to trade my note 8 in. i figured that i should get some money for it while i can, before the value drops to zero. the online estimate was $68, which i thought wasn't bad. the offer dropped to $20 (which i bargained up to $30) after inspection though, because there was ghosting on the LCD, and the screen had some cracks. add on murphy's law where the bixby button fell out for the first time during the inspection! well...$30 is better than $0, so whatever. it did cover my 2 grab trips (necessary due to poor planning), so that's some consolation. i'd have saved more if i'd left the house earlier!

i actually wonder if it's better to do what i'm doing now, ie. use a phone until end of life, or do what the ex did, and change phone once every so often? ok, granted the ex went a little overboard with the idea by changing phones every month or so, but how about on a more reasonable timeframe, like every year or two? let's do a breakdown. i bought my note 8 in early 2018 for $1000, and sold it in 2024 for $30. the cost works out to $970 over 6 years = $162 per year = about 44 cents per day. whereas if i were to use my S22 ultra for a year and trade it in, i'd lose $300 over that year alone (bought at about $800, trade in at about $500 projected value), not to mention the amount i'd have to top up to get a new phone. looks like my current way still costs me less, bonus if i don't go for the latest model too!

next, i had lunch with that cute guildmate from the chalet since he was working near NUS. i think he's actually taller than me (damn it! no, i'm kidding). and the more i look at him, the more he reminds me of one of the chemistry guys. between you and me, i think this guy's more handsome. the lunch was nice, by the way. we had thai wonton noodles - a first for me! i really like the thai fish sausage...wonder where i can get some to cook at home? as for our interaction, we just talked about general stuff, nothing too personal or in-depth. i'm not expecting anything; the plan now is that there is no plan. i don't intend on putting in any special effort, just casually see if he's free and wants to meet up. even if he's straight and/or we don't end up dating, he'd make a good friend.

the reason i went to NUS was to visit my professor and get a look at the new science faculty. the place changed so much in the 5 years since my graduation! even the shuttle bus routes are different. i went to his new lab and was told by a grad student that he was overseas for a conference. such bad timing! but then it's my fault for calling in unannounced. i later emailed him, and we've set a date for attempt #2, so there goes my element of surprise. i then thought i'd try to make the most of my visit by dropping in on my japanese lecturer, to thank her for writing me recommendation letters for my JET application. she wasn't in, either. simply couldn't catch a break that day. but that was more of an afterthought, anyway.

last thing for thursday was meeting a final fantasy friend. we don't interact that often, which is why i was surprised that they'd be willing to travel almost halfway across the island to meet me. i must admit, i was a bit thrown by their appearance in real life. nothing bad, just not what i was expecting. but still, their personality shone through like it does in-game. we had really enjoyable conversation over dinner at tamago-en and a coconut shake from mr coconut. turns out they didn't pick up on me being gay, so the conversation expanded to sexuality as well. it was quite unique to hear their perspective, because it's not super common. i hope we'll be able to meet up more in the future, and they'll bring their partner along. i understand that the partner is a bit like N's wife - super introverted. their relationship reminds me that there are benefits of dating older people...maybe i should consider that.

now, about the epiphanies. the first one was from both talking to my friend's wife and visiting NUS. i've said that i wasn't teacher material before, but the NUS visit made me realize more than that, i feel out of place in a school setting. could just be in my head, but even that's enough to make me not want to pursue teaching as a career. i did have an urge to redownload grindr, just to get an idea of the LGBT population in NUS, but the results wouldn't have been accurate as (1) not everyone is on the app, and (2) it's the end of the semester. people who've finished their exams wouldn't be in school. not like i'd have gotten lucky, anyway!

talking with my final fantasy friend brought the second epiphany on. they were telling me how good living with their partner was, and it made me think about my current living arrangements. put simply, i'm not happy, and it's wearing on my mental state a bit. granted i knew this even before JET, but living alone in japan gave me a taste of what being totally at ease in my own space felt like, and not worrying about bumping into someone i'd rather not see, or having people interfere in the way i do things. yes, the opposing argument is that i should be grateful that i can live here rent-free. but honestly, i'd rather pay rent or a housing loan if it meant that i could live exactly how i wanted to. so if plan UK doesn't work out and i have to move back to singapore, i'll definitely look into getting my own space. don't know how easy that'll be, but i owe it to myself to at least try.

-random thought of the day: Seeing my nieces later!-

Balls post time! but i just want to talk about 2 social interactions i had this past weekend, to maybe give a little peek into my rationale for making certain decisions.

the first interaction was the final fantasy guild chalet. i'd say it was a great success! out of the 35 people who attended, i could recognize 10 or so by sight. that's not bad for someone who's been away for 3 years! finally saw some of the leadership team in person, even though we've been working together for years before this. also had fun singing karaoke and starting the fire for the barbeque. i think most guys have pyromaniac tendencies, deep down.

during the chalet, i met one of the members who used to help out in the running of the guild. he's really attractive! quite tall, good build, cheerful, and with a really nice smile. he's also really hairy. at least his arms and legs are; i didn't get to look under his clothes (pity!). and while "hairy" is not my usual type, i actually found myself liking it on him. i may or may not have wondered to myself how the hair would feel under my fingertips, and how far it extended over the rest of him. 3 big buts, though - (1) he's a full zodiac cycle younger than me, (2) i don't know if he's gay or not, (3) even if the above 2 things worked out, i'm not sure that i want to date within the guild. sure, i've seen success stories, but i've also seen flops. i'll say though, that the success stories tend to be more lasting/stronger. two couples even got married! so that gives me some hope. for now though, i'll probably not act on anything, because even in the odd chance that he's open to dating, it wouldn't be fair to him as i'll be leaving for the UK in...exactly a month. oh wow, that's scary.

there was another guild member - fairly attractive (reminds me of my supervisor's husband!), nice broad shoulders, smelled really good, but apparently he's been having trouble finding a girlfriend? i understood why after talking to him for a bit. he's a little pretty socially awkward. i mean, i'm not the smoothest talker around myself, so for me to think that is something. there was one thing he said which made my opinion of him drop a few points. when asked if he'd found a girlfriend yet, he replied "if i'd found one, do you think i'd still be here?" of course, partners occupy a higher priority than online friends. i'm not disputing that. but for him to say that implies that we're the backup option. similar story: one of the (former, at least in my opinion) chemistry guys mostly only hung out with us when he was single. in that case, we were literally a backup, as he only extended invites to his wedding to us when it became clear that he was having trouble filling seats from his first wave of RSVPs. so i think the guy in question here could have answered the question better. and there's nothing stopping him from bringing his future partner to guild gatherings, either!

second interaction was dinner tonight with the 2 judo elders. i guess time shows more clearly on you the older you get. they're now in their 70s, and one of them had some unfortunate side effects from a COVID vaccine. they updated me on their version of events in both the judo and kurash worlds, and my final takeaway is that i'm going to step out of both. or more accurately, i'm going to step out of kurash; i've been out of judo for so long already. it isn't worth my time and attention. having said that, i will still remain friendly with them. although it seems that the main thing they talk to me about is judo and kurash...so i wonder what other topics we'll have in common once i step away.

perfect segue into the balls post. let me provide some background info. the whole premise of the balls metaphor is that life is a juggling act, and the various aspects of life are the balls. the original version had 5 aspects - work, family, friends, health, and spirit. the "work" ball is made of rubber, the rest are made of glass. what that means is, you can afford to drop the work ball, but not the others. i'm going to take the analogy a little further. in addition to the material of the balls, i'm also going to examine how many/what balls i juggle. from my own first-hand experience at learning juggling, fewer balls means an easier time overall. not sure how i want to present it...i think i'll just go with whatever comes to mind and see if it makes sense. let's go!

work - rubber (feels like glass)

yes, i know that work is one of the first things that can/should be dropped for health reasons. but i'm also at the stage in life where career is becoming more important (see also: me feeling behind my peers). and that makes me not want to drop it. i figure that i'll do my best to keep it airborne, unless i have to drop it in the face of a health crisis or something serious like that.

family - rubber-ish?

yes, i know family is important. but also, i don't feel very strong ties to my existing family. i honestly think that once/if i've established myself overseas, nothing short of a funeral would compel me to come back as far as family is concerned. perhaps it has to do with my definition of "family" (the blood and water thing), which links to the next point...

partner and other chosen family - glass

as i've identified in a previous post, i'm lacking in romantic love and hence it's of high value to me. no surprise that the romantic love/partner aspect would be a glass ball. equally, my close friends are also important enough to me that i put them in the same category. having said that, i'm going to remember the lessons learnt from my time with the ex. i need to have the right person for me, who will deserve the glass ball treatment.

health - glass (mostly)

the reason the word "mostly" is there is because i'd be willing to sacrifice a little bit of health for work. not to the point of running myself ragged or at the expense of my mental well-being (here's looking at you, accursed IP firm), but i could maybe accept something like eating a little less healthily sometimes just for convenience or when pressed for time. reminder to self: now that i'm 35, i should get health checkups more often.

fitness (exercise, sports) - rubber-ish

there's a difference between health and fitness. to me, health is whether someone is pain-free, all bodily functions are working as they should be...kind of like the baseline. fitness is the extra ability, like how fast one can run, or how much weight one can lift. being healthy is more important than being fit to me. i have no aspirations to be a pro athlete or gym bro, but i do want to look better. and actually, fitness might come in handy too, say if i had to run from something. i guess i'll stick to the japan formula for now, which is to control health mainly through food intake. if circumstances allow, i'll then look into working out, or maybe even a gym membership to work on the fitness aspect.

judo, kurash - rubber, not juggling

if the first part of this post didn't give it away, i'm washing my hands off martial arts in singapore. too much mental investment with no returns. given the state my body's in, i don't think i'll pick it up in the UK, either. maybe i might contribute in a more advisory role if the opportunity presented itself, but i'm not specifically looking for one. this is one chapter of my life which i can safely say has been closed.

personal fulfillment - impact-resistant glass

this ties back into the thing from a few posts ago - choosing between doing something that pays well but doesn't give me job satisfaction, vs. trying for what i imagine to be a more fulfilling job that maybe pays less. i acknowledge that there is a cutoff time where practicality will win out. like, if my savings are zero and i'm forced to teach to survive, i'll have to do it. hoping it won't come to that, though. that's why i'm trying to open as many doors as possible, so that i'll always have a way out. so, i can drop it a few times, but hopefully not too much because it will shatter eventually.

volunteer/community work - rubber

i have thought about wanting to get involved in the local community in the UK. oddly, that never crossed my mind for singapore. i'm thinking that i could do something similar to chemical engineer cousin, which is english literacy tutoring...although i'm not sure if there'll be a demand for it in the UK. you know, the literal birthplace of english? maybe immigrant families might need it, we'll see. of course, there are other ways to contribute, and i may not be aware of them until i'm actually there to find out. this is one of those extra things that i can do for personal fulfillment/enrichment once my basic needs are met.

somehow, i thought the balls section would be longer. but then, i guess it also depends on how you define each ball/aspect. come to think of it, life isn't all that complicated, is it? the complications arise from our desires, like wanting things, both material (a big house), immaterial (a fulfilling job), or both (enough money to feel secure about retiring). those are just examples, by the way. i realize that i don't need too many material possessions. but having the freedom (read: money) to acquire them would be nice!

out of boredom, i downloaded grindr yesterday. spent about 15 minutes on it before deleting it. i'm still not comfortable sharing photos of my face there, let alone my other parts. but i must say it was nice to see the distance to the nearest guy measured in metres instead of km. perhaps i'll expand on my thoughts about dating apps in another post. right now, i'm going to publish this and maybe send out one more job application. 

-random thought of the day: Resigned from the Kurash federation!-

One more delay on the balls post (sorry!), but something happened that kind of outweighed it. news broke today that an SCDF officer died in the line of duty while fighting a fire on a tanker at sea. that officer happened to be one of my JC juniors who was in judo during the period when i was going back to help in training/prepare for my black belt grading exam, so there's somewhat of a personal connection. granted that we were never really close, so i'm not really feeling it the way i would if say, one of my colleagues in japan passed away. actually, i didn't make the link until one of the cat high old boys said his son was in CJC as well at the time. i then thought the face looked familiar, and went to check facebook. we weren't direct friends there, but we have enough mutual friends from the judo world for me to be certain of his identity.

like i said before, we weren't close. the last time i remember seeing him was in NUS, where he was in the neighbouring faculty. i think we had at least one short conversation? but don't quote me on that. don't remember if he joined judo in NUS either; my attendance was so spotty by then that i didn't know most of the newcomers, plus i was already one foot out of the door due to the macau refereeing thing. so yes, NUS was probably the last time i talked to him. and to be frank, he hasn't come up in my memory at all in the intervening years.

given our lack of interaction, i don't know much about him. like whether he had siblings or not, whether he was seeing anyone, engaged, married, or whatever other status one might have. i do know (and the news article confirmed) that he was 5 years my junior. that was another sign that i wasn't mistaken. my impression from the judo days was that he was really fit and could do a lot of pull-ups. that, and he sweated a lot. not that that's a bad thing, just a biological function. he was also eager to learn, and generally a nice guy. all this is, once again, based on my memory. i make no assertions about the accuracy of these recollections.

even though we haven't spoken in probably close to 10 years, i do feel sad at his passing. 30 is still around the prime of one's life...(hopefully) wiser than the 20s, yet with still enough energy/stamina to go all out in doing things. the thought of his life being cut short just like that makes me wonder what the hell i'm doing. am i living up to my potential? a stray thought flitted across my mind, that i would consider trading my life for his if it were possible. after all, he had a clear direction/purpose, and i'm just so uncertain about everything, even finding a job is proving difficult. that's not to say that i would do it (still too afraid of death/the unknown), but i would give it serious thought.

well, that's it for now. if i could speak to this junior of mine one last time, i'd say "i'm sorry you passed on too young, thank you for your service, and i'm happy to have known you." 

-random thought of the day: Rest in peace, K.-

Since coming back, i realize that i've been thinking in chinese more, to the point of using more chinese expressions when i write. today's one is "忠言逆耳", or "sincere words grate on the ears". i think that the english translation is already quite self-explanatory, but what it means is that sometimes, the things you need to hear aren't what you want to hear. and i had first-hand experience with that yesterday.

what happened was that i asked my mentor figure from the old boys group out for a one-on-one talk in hopes of getting some advice. he was kind enough to invite me to his house! we talked for about 2 hours, and he said several things which while i know are in my best interest, still sucked to hear. the worst part is that i can't even be angry with him, because i believe he's genuinely looking out for me. or put another way, he has no reason to do me harm.

first, i asked him about his impression of me. his 2 points here were (1) follower and not a leader, (2) introverted and bad at communication. while i see how he may have formed his impressions, i don't fully agree. the first one about being more of a follower is kind of true, and it's something that i'm trying to change too. the second thing, about being introverted, is true. however, i would like to think that i'm not a bad communicator. his impressions were formed mostly watching me at our saturday gatherings, and i will admit that i don't talk much there. reason being, i'm usually the youngest there and there's usually nothing that interests me being discussed, so nothing of value for me to add to the conversation. i suppose i should try to take an interest in some things like politics and economics, as they're somehow more age-appropriate now.

second, i asked him about work and future. as in, what he thinks of my plans and choice of job. he basically shot down everything i said. UK? people are racist and jobs are scarce. even the refugees from hong kong can't find jobs there. if i were you, i'd tear up the visa so i block that route off (he literally said that). IP? you're just paper-pushing. it's a dead-end job. it was quite hard to sit through it, honestly. so here's where i have to look beyond the delivery and see the message itself. the reason he doesn't want me to go to the UK is because the job market is saturated. and the IP thing? it's working for people, which will provide a salary...but not true wealth. that's obtained by starting your own business. i see the wisdom in what he says, but at the same time, i don't think i'm ready yet. no capital, for one. although i will say that IP can become a business too. once i qualify and maybe have a few years of experience under my belt, i could branch off and start a firm of my own. just a thought.

expanding more on the business thing, his idea for me was to do tours of japan. not the usual cities, but more like the rural areas where tourists don't typically go. "selling experiences" was how he said it. i see the wisdom in this idea. doesn't require much capital too; just a few recce trips to plan an itinerary and link up with the relevant service providers. if needed, i could even charge each customer a little extra to cover my own air ticket! the issues will be getting the first few customers, and more importantly, basically giving up on science. in my version of my life roadmap, JET was supposed to be a detour, not a way to forsake chemistry and branch off into a completely new direction. i guess maybe he doesn't know me as well as i thought. that's why i have to remind myself that although people can give advice/suggestions, i have the freedom to choose whether or not to act on them.

perhaps he was trying to goad me into arguing back, or trying to make me stand up for myself, but he asked me to convince him that going to the UK would be a good idea. i didn't say anything at the time, but one main draw would be the social life/dating opportunities. i've been taking public transport everywhere since coming back, and i don't think i've spotted more than 5 attractive guys in that time. i don't know...singaporean guys just don't do it for me any more. perhaps it's just me generalizing all of them (us?) as superficial, or perhaps it's because i've found more acceptance online with guys from other countries. that, and japanese guys are just hotter! sorry, i guess the superficial thing extends to me as well.

after our talk, i was left wondering if i really appear that weak in his eyes. to be fair, he's good at analyzing people - that's what led to his success as a recruiter/headhunter. but then, he's only seen me at the saturday morning gatherings, where i was kind of the butt of the bowling gang's jokes. looking back, it wasn't the healthiest dynamic. maybe that's why i'm not in contact with anyone from that group any more. so yes, that could have formed a somewhat inaccurate image of me. but i will say he's not entirely wrong. perhaps i should change that.

yes, i know that i'm really lagging behind on writing the balls post. again, the hubris of thinking that i'd get it done in japan! in the balls post, which i will finish by this week (ideally friday), i also want to talk about how the story of final fantasy lines up with my life, and perhaps how it is a sign that i should be embarking on a new journey. as for future plans, i still want to give IP a chance. but having said that, i also acknowledge my mentor figure's point about time running out (my age). so perhaps i will tighten up the deadline a bit, or base my decision to change tracks on stricter criteria. will definitely have to give that more thought.

last thing for today. i'm sleeping more hours than i was in japan, but i'm feeling less energetic. in fact, i was thinking that i'd actually call myself "exhausted" now, despite not working! the quality of sleep is lower here, for sure. the noise, lights, weather, and the sunrise being an hour later than it actually should. all that has led to me feeling lethargic and napping during the day as well. guess that's how i gained weight last time. i don't know if it's the reverse culture shock speaking, but i'm not really seeing singapore as a permanent home as of now. maybe that'll change in the future? who knows.

-random thought of the day: Meeting with the career centre tomorrow!-

Day 13 of being back in singapore, and i'm exhausted. in fact, my level of fatigue is comparable to eiken season...and i'm not even working now! i'm sure that part of it has to do with my fuller-than-usual social calendar, but i also believe that singapore's weather is a factor. the heat is just draining, really. thank goodness for air-con, i don't know how i'd survive without it.

also partly due to the weather, my excitement and happiness at coming home has all but evaporated. i started feeling it about 2 days ago, so the overall time was 11 days. there were other contributors, of course...the crowd, idiots not walking on the right half of the escalator, the noises at all odd hours, etc. that last thing is also probably contributing to my tiredness. makes me think that if i end up being based overseas, i should plan visits of about a week's duration, maybe 10 days at most.

i also realize that i've been spending way more here than i would have if i were still in japan. discounting the 2 major purchases of glasses and UK air ticket, i'm at about $300 in the hole after 12 days. i'd say it's a combination of prices being more expensive, and me spending on things that i didn't have to in japan. grab and fast food, for example. i'm grateful that public transport fares are relatively lower here, though! i didn't realize how bad it was in japan's cities.

so, what's been going on this past week? more catch-up sessions, mainly. as scary JC friend is from my sister secondary school, i introduced her to the alumni group. being the outgoing person that she is, she hit it off really well with my mentor figure and the other old boys. separately, i also met one of the chemistry guys - the same (and only) one who came to stay with me in japan. we walked around the bishan area, and i must say that i'm impressed by the new (maybe not so new by now) EJC. last i heard, i think one of my nephews wanted to go there? he should have graduated by now, anyway. then, i had lunch with N and E on saturday, at N's swanky new condo. i've got a bunch to say about that particular gathering. the most recent catch-up was lunch yesterday, with one of my old lab juniors. we're the same age, but he went the polytechnic route and was thus a year below me in university. we ate at swensen's, where i had my first sticky chewy chocolate sundae in probably 4 or 5 years. he ended up buying me lunch, which made me feel a bit bad. talking with him is refreshing, as he's quite a straight talker with a unique perspective. i think he's the only one from my first lab that i still keep in contact with now.

so, about the N and E gathering. there are 2 main things i want to mention. first is N's wife. they started dating before i went to japan, and i still have not met her in person until now. in fact, upon learning that N was inviting us over to their place, she went out of her way to make herself scarce. N tells me that she's super introverted, and basically doesn't want to meet his friends. somehow, this doesn't sit right with me. i guess it's because the chemistry guys have always included our partners in our meet-ups. i even brought the ex to some of our gatherings! yes, i acknowledge that (1) N is not one of the chemistry guys and (2) the wife has the right to (not) meet whoever she wants to. it's just that i thought it would be nice to at least meet my good friend's partner, you know? like, if she's important to him, then i at least want to become acquainted with her. i don't need to have an extended conversation, but just a greeting or some casual chat would be nice. i hear that she extends the same choice to him - that he can just hole up in their study room or disappear when she has her friends over, so at least there's balance there. and while i find it odd (i was going to say "disrespectful", but that sounded too harsh), the most important thing is that they're both happy with the arrangement.

the second thing is about our lives. out of the 3 of us, N is probably the most conventionally successful. 5 digit income, nice condo, happily married. E has a different kind of success. born into a rich family, working in the family business, no need to worry about money. then we have me. honestly, i feel like i'm so far behind them in all aspects of life. i don't have the kind of money that they do (in E's case, that his family does), and in terms of career progression, i'm nowhere close to where i want to be at this point in time. sure, people say that my experience living in japan can't be bought with money, that they'd trade places with me because i'm single with no liabilities...how many of them would actually make the trade, though? they don't see that i can't afford a flat in singapore, and because most of my savings are tied up in yen, i may have difficulty staying in the UK if i don't find a job within 3 to 4 months. incidentally, 2 friends separately and independently told me that they'd be happy to lend me money to tide me over this rough spot. while i'm grateful, i don't really want to take them up on it. perhaps it's a bit of a pride thing? but also, 谈钱伤害感情. i don't want to risk spoiling our friendship because of money.

i guess the main thing i should ask myself is, how can i get closer to where i want to be in life? and before that, where do i want to be in life? work-wise, i want an intellectually-stimulating job, with nice superiors and colleagues. would be nice if it paid well, too. i don't need fancy titles, but i think i'd want the opportunity to mentor people. socially, having a partner would be great. i'm still undecided about whether i'd want the relationship to be open or closed, but i think the most important thing is that we're committed emotionally. ideally i'd be living alone or with a partner, in a place that i own as opposed to renting.

knowing all that, what should i do? land a job, for one. my cousin mentioned that lecturer jobs pay well in the UK. when i told him that teaching wasn't something that i was looking to get into, he said something about the job you want to do vs. the job you have to do. not quite in those words; i paraphrased a little. the idea is that sometimes, people have to give up their dreams for something more practical. or in my case, settle for a more attainable job. i don't quite agree with this, because i think that a job in IP in the UK is attainable. some firms are putting up the same job ad again, which means they've not been successful in filling the vacancy. or perhaps they're looking for local candidates, no need to worry about sponsorships and whatnot. hopefully they'll get desperate enough to give my resume a second look. at the same time, i get where he's coming from. after all, you can't eat hopes and dreams. so i guess it's just how i decide when pursuing what i want is no longer feasible.

there's a lot more R&R (reflection and repentance, according to my JC form teacher) that i have to do, and the balls post is one of the things that will help me in that process. the other thing is a one-on-one with my mentor figure from the old boys group. the last time i asked him for advice (in 2019? 2020?) i was admonished for not going into the session prepared. so this time, i'm going to draft out things i want to ask him/get his insight on. reminder to myself that while i should go in with an open mind, i don't have to believe or do everything he says.

-random thought of the day: Going to poke a few more firms.-

All the running around i've been doing since i landed in singapore has finally caught up with me. i woke up briefly to buy the UK plane ticket this morning, then went back to sleep and woke up again in the afternoon. still feeling a bit cranky, if i'm being honest. probably because the second round of sleep was of questionable quality. like, i had a vague awareness that i was dreaming, so i guess my brain was still working while i slept. to sum up the last 2 days in point form, i: went for the cat high old boys thing, met scary JC friend for lunch and a catch-up, collected the bike and cycled home, met 2 guild members for lunch, went to my aunt's place again, where i met my nieces who've grown up so much! and the only remaining activity i have for today is a phone call in the evening to (hopefully) finish opening a UK bank account.

tomorrow will be the one-week anniversary of ending JET. i feel that i should write the reflections post now, while the thoughts and emotions are still relatively fresh. also, writing it should be a more definite indicator of closure, which will help me focus entirely on the upcoming big change. i've been debating on what format to use, and i think i'm going to try something new - an interview with myself. so i'll pose myself questions, and try to answer them. i'm not sure how it'll work out, because i don't have the benefit of third-party insight. it's really 自编自导自演. still, let's give it a try!

how was JET for you?

overall good! admittedly there were some challenging moments, but i believe i was able to do a good job, all things considered.

can you give examples of challenging moments?

job-wise, not being able to raise the kids' standard of english to what i consider "good". tied to that point, kids who weren't interested in/didn't apply themselves to their academics. frustration from feeling underutilized, dealing with less-than-competent teachers and rigid policies/systems both in the schools and town hall. in the personal life sphere, lack of dating opportunities in my rural town, feeling unfulfilled and like i'm wasting my time. this was especially so in the last year to 18 months.

but there were good times too, right?

of course! in fact, i'd say that the good times outnumbered the bad. getting to know my kids, colleagues, and the local community, sometimes feeling like a minor celebrity in town (especially when going for community events), having the opportunity to travel to other parts of japan, proving to myself that i have what it takes to live in a foreign country, being able to experience a life different from what i've been used to growing up in singapore.

what were the best and worst times/moments on JET?

best: meeting old and new friends (relatives too!) in person in japan and being able to act as a host/guide, watching the kids achieve stuff, graduate, and proceed on to the next phase of their lives.

worst: being told that certain questionable decisions were non-negotiable, like the thing with the prefectural office (may talk about it later). the feeling of being physically alone in a foreign country and feeling lonely due to the nonexistent LGBT environment, and stuck in a rut because i was staying still while kids graduated left and right.

do you have any regrets regarding JET?

i...don't know. i'd like to believe that i made the best decisions based on information available at the time. occasionally, i get the feeling that i should have left a year earlier. but i know that if i'd done that, i wouldn't be as close to my favourite classes as i later became. i also feel that i stayed in the primary school too long, especially since there was another foreign english teacher there; should have asked to be secondary-only sooner, and i should also have told the less-good secondary school teacher that i'd be happy to be T1 (the main teacher) for some/most grammar points.

rate yourself as a JET, and your overall JET experience.

at the risk of being egotistical, i'd say my performance on JET would be a 9/10, maybe even 9.5 if i was feeling generous. my experience...8? maybe 7.5 or 7 due to the prefectural office saga. still very positive, but it sucked that the ending had a sour-ish note. completely CLAIR's and the prefectural office's fault, not my town's. 

what's your biggest takeaway from JET?

that we cannot force others to behave the way we want them to. this is true be it for the kids and their academics, or the administration and their bureaucracy.

would you do JET again?

i'm going to answer this in 2 ways - if i could go back to 2020 and choose whether or not to go to japan, i definitely would. i might stay for a shorter duration, to prevent myself from getting attached to some of the kids, but yes i would do JET again in a heartbeat.

technically, i still have 1.5 years of JET time left, meaning that i could apply for a new term of JET. so, would i apply for JET again to use up those 1.5 years? no. not in the next 20 years, at least. there are way more cons than pros, some of which include that i'll be starting at year 1 JET salary again, plus it would delay my career even more. i might consider doing it for fun during/close to retirement (i heard a 60+ year old got accepted last year), but for now, JET is a closed chapter for me.

how do you think you have changed due to/while on JET?

my japanese improved, that's for sure! it's actually really hard for me to answer this question, because i see myself every day, so i don't notice the small changes that build up over time. physically, i definitely came back lighter, but there's still quite a ways to go. mentally/emotionally, i'd like to think that i've become more understanding/tolerant/patient/resilient. hopefully i don't forget that when faced with challenging situations in the future.

i think i've also learnt more about myself thanks to JET. like, i know that i need a job that gives me fulfillment. and that comes in the form of personal growth. it was very satisfying to see the kids pass eiken and all, but i felt that there was nothing for me to improve on. or rather, i should say that i felt that there was nothing worth me taking the time to improve on. while i could think of better activities, easier explanations, flashy powerpoints, memory devices, and more to make the kids' learning of english easier/more fun, the lack of interest from the teachers and their emphasis on covering textbook content makes it feel unworthwhile to go through all the extra effort.

what advice do you have for future JETs in your placement?

learn japanese before going. don't take yourself too seriously. don't be afraid to ask for help or suggest things. be professional. adapt to the culture. say yes to any invitation at least once. enjoy the experience!

how has JET helped prepare you for the future?

by showing me that i can live independently/alone in a foreign country. if i can survive in japan with the language barrier, living in any other english-speaking country should be a piece of cake! of course, there's all that jazz about cultural understanding, etc. which will look good on job applications (probably).

any final thoughts about JET?

it's not all a bed of roses. as much as i hate the JET tagline, it's true - every situation is different. if anyone is debating on whether to apply, just apply first. you can refuse without penalty until your placement is confirmed. even then, if you really hate it that much, just do a year and GTFO. it'll be a good experience for you in the end.

right! that's done. i'd be open to getting more interesting/unconventional questions as well, or if anyone who reads this is thinking of applying for JET, i'd be happy to answer any questions in that regard too. in what's left of today, i have to go get food and figure out my schedule for the next few days, including that one last job application. next post: thoughts about meeting my cousin and the things we talked about.

-random thought of the day: Let the last job come through!-

Getting my JET reflections post done while i was still in japan? such hubris on my part for even thinking that it was possible! the last day was filled with a frenzy of packing and rubbish disposal, and i was 30 minutes late from the projected departure time. all's well that ends well, though...we made it to the airport with a little time to spare. that was taken up by my excess baggage issue. i got out of paying excess baggage fees in the end (a story for another time, maybe), and made it to singapore on schedule and with everything accounted for. one of the chemistry guys worried that i didn't have transport back and came to pick me up, not knowing that my dad was coming. what i did to deserve such good friends, i'll never know. but i'm just going to accept the blessing for what it is.

JET reflections will come later, once i can find time to sit down and really be alone with my thoughts in peace. that hasn't been possible since i touched down, due to the myriad to-do items and people to meet. recounting the past 2 days (it's only been 2 days!?), day 1 was spent getting a new phone and setting it up. settled on the S22 ultra in the end, went on carousell to look-see and became aware of an ah beng shop selling a pristine one in black. went down to find out that it had been sold out, but others were available. feels like a bait-and-switch to me, but the others were in really good condition and i figured since i was already there, might as well. i was expecting to pay about $900, but ended up paying $820. and i got a green one! not that it's noticeable with the case i got for it. i suppose it'll be a distinguishing feature in case i ever lose it or it gets mixed up with other phones.

setting it up was a little bit of a pain, though. while it's still samsung, the apps and settings are a little different, and it doesn't have some of the accessibility features that my note 8 does. hovering a hand over the light sensor to wake the phone up, for instance. i think if samsung re-released the note 8 in future, but updated with better specs and a larger screen, i'd probably get it again. also got my UOB debit card cancelled because the physical card is nowhere to be found, and they've been charging me un-waivable annual fees for it. i don't use it at all, so no issue with not having it.

yesterday was quite busy as well; went to HSBC to open a UK account. was kept waiting for half an hour and didn't even get to speak to a customer service person in the end. was just asked to fill out a form and told that i would receive further communication via email. and then i got a call like, 5 minutes after leaving the branch. i don't get why they couldn't just see me when i was there! but well. dropped by bishan to have chicken rice, then went to do my glasses and meet my friend at PLQ. i somehow think i got upsold on the lenses...opted for a more expensive one that reduced blue light but didn't have the yellow tint. cost me $418! the frames i got back in japan are literally double the price here, so i figured that the cost i saved on the frames went some way to offsetting the increased lenses' cost. i really should have got the entire thing done in japan! problem is due to my various vision conditions and their severity, it takes 2 to 3 weeks to get glasses done...and i started the process too late.

while at PLQ, i met up with a friend from kurash. got an update of the whole situation, and mentioned my intention to step down from leadership there (reminder to self: balls post). he took it well! probably because i qualified that statement by saying that i'd still help out if needed. anyway, someone i'd rather not work with is in the federation now, so i'm not going to give myself the unnecessary stress of interacting with that person. he also told me about getting a HDB flat, and while i have the intention, finances are prohibitive. and i still don't know whether i want to live in singapore long-term. but as several people have told me, i should make use of the benefits that are afforded to all citizens. it's my right, after all.

my friend was kind enough to drop me off near my aunt's place, where i had dinner and a long talk with her. turns out that her occasional updates over whatsapp were just scratching the surface. i have no idea how she's juggling so many things and providing for so many people. honestly, i don't think i could do it. i'd definitely take a more hardline stance and if push came to shove, i'd happily burn bridges. but that's not her character, unfortunately. it makes me wonder, though. am i the heartless one for being ok with burning bridges with blood relatives? probably. i've mentioned this before - blood is thicker than water. but my interpretation of that is "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb". i don't know which is correct or which came first, the internet seems to be divided on that. i prefer the latter, though.

time for today! got to go to the library and post office, all to send my new sennheisers in for repair. they're not charging in the case, which apparently is a common problem!? should have tested them when i first got them in japan, then i could just do an amazon return. aside from that, i'm meeting an NUS friend just to catch up and hear about his investments, because he seems to be doing well. no, he's not selling me anything or asking me to attend any courses. he's going to show me his portfolio and explain what he does, apparently. while i will never be best friends with him because he can be a little too direct and abrasive, i know he's a good person at heart. he's the classic hokkien peng-type character, but armed with a phd. how's that for defying stereotypes?

-random thought of the day: Waiting for the dryer to finish!-