The past few days' experiences are what i imagine walking through a minefield blindfolded would feel like. i've been getting hit from all sides by all sorts of arrows, and not just on the school front. but before we delve deeper there, let me just summarize the macau trip.

day 2 of refereeing (day 4 overall) went better than the previous day. i got more bouts as the main referee! wonder if the organizers read my mind. there were a couple of things that went not-so well, though. one being i got into my first-ever golden score since the implementation of the 2014 rules. it was eventually settled by shido, as one of the contestants kept grabbing his opponent's belt. i felt that the other guy should have got the shido though, since he wasn't attacking as much or as aggressively. but well. majority of 3 rule. that was the only bout i had trouble with, i think. should probably have given shidos during normal contest time.

there was a farewell party after that, and i met a new more big names. it's good to build contacts, i think. each country had to sing a song on karaoke. since it was macau, the choice of english and japanese songs were limited. we ended up with "my heart will go on". since i had had a bit to drink, it was a bit easier to put on a show for the audience. all in good fun, right? just hope videos don't appear on youtube.

speaking of videos, a video of my refereeing was uploaded to youtube. it's a rare chance for me to see myself in action. somehow, my actual performance doesn't match up to the mental picture i had of myself performing, if that made any sense. my main areas of improvement are that i could hold my gestures for (even) longer, and generally move with more grace (a few of my movements still looked clunky). still far far away from international referee standard. but hey, there's still a lot of time to practise and get up there.

some of the kids and i went to venetian after the farewell party. it's basically a HUGE hotel/casino/shopping arcade. got a bit lost, because the taxis dropped us off at different points. so we had to kind of play around with the 2 groups of people, sending scout teams and messengers until we eventually linked up. was way more trouble than necessary, especially considering that if something like that happened in singapore, a simple phone call would have resolved everything. limitations of being abroad and being too poor (or stingy) for roaming, i guess. venetian itself was amazing! it's kind of like that place in daiba...aqua mall or something. it's fully indoors, and they use artificial lighting to simulate different times of the day. there were canals with gondolas too, but since it was after-hours, we didn't really get to ride them. walked through the casino, too. maybe i should have placed a small bet, since i came back with MOP100 left over. incidentally, i'm still wondering why the abbreviation for macau currency is MOP.

the last day was mainly spent packing, souvenir shopping, and leaving for the airport, and subsequently, singapore. you know, i think i know how to judge how good of a time i had on any given trip. there are 2 questions i'll ask myself after the trip, first being "how much do i want to come back to singapore?" and second, "how much would i have liked to extend my stay in the other country?" based on my answers, i can normally get an objective view of how much i enjoyed myself. for macau, i actually missed singapore more than if i had been in japan. probably it's the language barrier. and for some reason, i didn't really want to extend my stay there. think it's because the streets just felt a little too rustic for my liking.

it's friday now, and i'm more or less reconciled with the idea of being back in singapore and in the lab. been busy the past few days, working up 10 reactions and running 10 columns. i'll admit, it wasn't easy, especially with 2 major bombs. but now that 1 bomb has been cleared, things are kind of looking up. the cleared bomb refers to the SCDF check. i was horribly annoyed yesterday because the lab tech in charge of my labs housekeeping came by THRICE in the span of 2 hours to check on the lab's condition. and this was after i assured her i'd get it done by 8:30am today. and i delivered! even though it meant that i overnighted in school again, but still. i think it was just bad timing. i knew about the check, and was preoccupied by another bomb, and she just had to come in and add to my pressure. i actually felt like shouting at her and telling her to back off. but that hurts relationships. thank goodness i'm no longer an angry teenager. in the end, the check went smoothly. the SCDF personnel didn't go as in-depth as i was led to believe. think she was trying to scare us into cleaning the lab up properly. well now i know.

compared to the second bomb, this safety check was almost nothing. just one day after i got back, the referee director whatsapped me. the conversation started off innocently enough, usual exchange of pleasantries, asking about the refereeing trip. i started to smell a rat when he insisted on to meet me the very next day, even volunteering to come down to NUS, despite me telling him that i'd be tied up in lab. true to my suspicions, he told me that the SJF was unhappy that i had gone to macau without informing them beforehand. now here's where things get a little fuzzy. on one hand, the organizers sent a personal invitation to me, and not through the federation. that means that by right, i shouldn't have to be answerable to them at all. but from their point of view, it's an asia-level event, and since they're the governing body of judo in singapore, i think that they would have appreciated having a say in the matter, or at least being informed. i can't really argue that last point. perhaps i should have told them. but what if they refused to let me go? that would have raised a whole new bunch of issues, and was actually the primary reason i decided to just go ahead. the outcome of this is that i'm temporarily suspended from refereeing until at least next month, when the issue will be brought up at the management committee meeting. going by the calendar of events, that means i'll miss out on at least 1 event, namely the competition this coming monday (i can't remember what it's called), and maybe the adidas open next month.

you know, this is just the latest in a series of things that's making me upset with the SJF management. *DISCLAIMER: i don't like politics and am on nobody's side. i only side those who are actively trying to promote judo in singapore* first off, they cancelled kata for the SEA games next year. with that, it basically means that kata athletes have no big goal to work towards. and despite that, they still want kata athletes to attend national training. i actually see the sense in this, because even kata people need to keep fit. but i have to admit, it does us little good. there's no national kata coach. to put it bluntly, nobody qualifies. so unless we get someone from japan, all we can do is try and help each other improve...though it's hard especially when our knowledge is limited in itself.

second: they're emphasizing on shiai. it's a possible/valid path, but when the rest of the world is moving towards kata, it seems like we're headed for a crash-landing somewhere. this path would have been fine 20 or 30 years ago. not so much today. but if that's what the leadership decides, then they can go for it.

as for the refereeing thing, i didn't go to macau to show my defiance or to make a statement. i went with one goal in mind: to bring knowledge and experience back so that i can help raise the standard of refereeing in singapore, and on a more selfish note, to make some contacts in the refereeing scene. so that's actually two goals. before this trip, i thought i was pretty good, maybe ready for continental referee. but it was only after climbing out of the proverbial well that i realized that the international standard is SO much higher! if i'm one of the better referees in singapore (big if), then our standard is really quite bad on the global scale. it's not the referee director's fault; he tries to conduct seminars and refreshers regularly. it's just that we don't have any international referees on the scene...not any more, anyway. and the suspension? i feel it's uncalled for. just because i went overseas, it doesn't make me unfit to referee, or downgrade my refereeing ability in any way. if anything, it should have boosted my ability! and it's not like my refereeing is affected while this issue is in limbo, is it? to me, a more sensible "punishment" would be like refereeing a certain number of events for free. and to top it off, i hear that they're short of referees this coming event. sounds like they're cutting off the nose to spite the face to me, but it's their decision. i clarified with the referee director. i'm allowed to go as a spectator. so i guess i'll go and see how shorthanded they really are. of course, i'm not deluded enough to believe that i'm indispensable. i'm confident that the referee director will find a way to make it through. just wish that i could help him though...

even though i say that i don't want a part in politics, i somehow end up getting caught in the games. i'll be frank...i believe i'm not popular among the committee. and i disagree with a few of their policies. maybe that's why. although i "officially" didn't do anything wrong, and thus should not be subject to any official punishment, there's still the "by left" way of making life difficult for me. like referee promotion and dan grading. in fact, i was informed that my SJF A promotion had been turned down even before the whole macau thing. i personally feel that i should have been promoted a while ago, because i dare say that i'm on par with some of the existing SJF A referees. but well. sometimes, things don't go your way.

to summarize the message that the referee director gave me, it's "suck it up and keep on coming back". i agree. that's one of the best things to do, because if you give up, they win. at the same time, though, there is a limit. sometimes you hack and hack and hack away at something, but you don't see any improvement. like imagine...if my SJF A doesn't come in the next 1 to 2 years maximum, i am seriously going to make some noise. it's not even about the money; i make more from one day of research than one day of refereeing. i would even referee for free if asked! it's the fact that SJF A is a step closer to continental, and then international, which is my eventual goal.

i guess the main reason for my displeasure can be summed up in one sentence. the management doesn't know how to treat and engage its people. they want to draw lines, like "i'm the boss and you're the minion". that doesn't make for a good relationship, i feel, especially when all of us are here by choice. but well. it's just a different leadership style i guess, though it's one that i feel less comfortable with and think that it's not as effective. well...we'll see what happens in the next few years.

pretty sure there's something else, but i really can't think any more. my turn to present at group meeting tomorrow, so that's something else to dread. meanwhile, i think i'll end off here. there's always the next post, right?

-random thought of the day: Aviation!-

Fast fast post, because i have to be up in about 6 hours. day 2 was spent on more admin stuff, referee meeting, lineup draw, stuff like that. do you know how intimidating it is to be in a room full of continental and international referees? and i'm grateful that i was kiasu and overpacked, because it turns out that a coat was required for refereeing. only thing that bugs me now is that i kind of can't find my friend's grey tie, which i'm pretty sure i packed. but since i can't find it in any of my bags at all, the logical conclusion is that i've either forgotten to pack it, or i've misplaced it without realizing. please please please be the former. thankfully i do have another tie, so that's all fine for now.

today was day 3, and the first day of refereeing. out of the...50(?) bouts on my dojo, i got like 3 or 4 as main referee, and maybe 15 as table judge. i actually felt quite ok on the mat...i imagine that my performance was at my usual singapore standard. how my usual singapore standard compares to continental and international referees, i don't know. thankfully, the korean referee commission member said that i did decently, which is a huge relief. i do admit, i kind of wish that i had more bouts as main referee. but i should also remember that the fact that i'm even here refereeing is already a small miracle in itself. don't get greedy. have i mentioned how nerve-wracking it is to referee alongside continental- and international-qualified referees? on my side, there were 7 referees total. 1 international, 4 continental, and 2 national (me and another guy). so that gives you an idea. in singapore, the continental referees are usually the minority in any given competition. also i'm just going to do a bit of self-praise here. i think i did better than the other national referee! but i could be horribly horribly mistaken. well...confidence is a good thing, right? not saying that i'm perfect though; there were definitely mistakes in my refereeing. i think that i was a little panicky during the first few bouts, and my gestures were unclear. also have to keep calm and resolve issues step by step.

on the bright side, i'm now one of probably fewer than ten people in singapore who can say that they've corrected a score given by an international referee! how's that for bragging rights!? no, i kid. it IS strangely satisfying though, to see someone so high above you do as you tell them. but no. just some entertainment on the side.

have to continue tomorrow. i'm feeling sleepy, and the referees' meeting is kind of early.

-random thought of the day: Now I know how it feels like to be linguistically crippled.-

Kind of unusual for me to be blogging in the middle of the day, but it's not an ordinary day today. i'm in macau! that was the overseas trip i very briefly mentioned a few posts ago. my professor wasn't too happy about it, but that's because he thinks i'm going on a holiday...which is not exactly the case. i'm actually here for refereeing! got an invitation to come for the JUA junior championships, and i figured that it's a very good chance to get to know the big guys in the refereeing scene. besides, food and accommodation is provided, all i had to pay for was the airfare, and whatever personal expenses i might incur. quite a good deal, i think.

it's currently day 1 out of 5, and so far, we've checked into the hotel, and explored the surroundings a little. we're staying in this place called the hotel royal, and i'm bunking with the coach. not bad...i'd guess it's rated at about 4 stars. the room is pretty comfortable, nice bed, quite a panoramic view (we're on the 14th storey), good bathroom facilities, and most importantly, free wi-fi and wired internet connections! the room is set up in such a way that the LAN port is close to the window, so much so that i can (and am) blog(ging) while seated on the window ledge.

as for macau, it's my first time here. so far, i kind of like the place. there's a certain rustic charm to it. almost reminds me of marine parade...old HDB-like housing among quite a lot of low-rise buildings. not for the first time in my life, i found myself wishing that i was able to speak cantonese. i mean, they understand chinese, but somehow you feel closer to them when using cantonese as a medium of communication. i'd imagine the same goes for hong kong. i can sort of get the general idea when listening to some conversations, but when they speak fast, or use words which don't sound that close to the chinese equivalents, i get horribly lost.

i've got to admit, it's a welcome break from singapore. sure, the weather's still hot, and it rained a little just now, making it kind of humid, but at least there is a comfortable (and more importantly, air-conditioned) hotel room to where i can escape. sidetrack: might be because we didn't really take many overseas trips when i was a kid, but i'm somehow kind of fascinated by hotel keycards. anyway. hopefully this little break will allow me to recharge somewhat and get me energized for lab work. goodness knows i need it, because once i get back, there will be 10 reactions waiting for work-up and column. but let's not think about that now.

over the past 9 or so blog-less days, there's been a(nother) safety check, and i screwed up a whole set of reactions. definitely, more stuff happened, but those 2 kind of stand out in my mind...maybe because they're the most negative. those safety people really love pulling stunts. they email us, saying that they want to check one of our two labs. then on the day itself, they go, "by the way, let's see your other lab as well". it's...cheating, for lack of a better word. but well, we can't exactly refuse, can we? and as for screwing up the reactions, i guess it's my fault for not thinking through the role of each reagent. so what happened was that a particular reagent is supposed to promote the racemic reaction. and without thinking, i added it to the chiral version of the reaction, and not surprisingly, got 0% ee. got chewed out by my professor for that idiotic error. so i re-set some reactions, and got some ee. so those 10 reactions which i set up before leaving are for solvent and concentration screening. hopefully some good results await me when i get back.

prior to this, the last time i was out of the country was for my grad trips, slightly more than a year ago. so this trip helps to fulfill my "at least one overseas trip per year" quota. not having flown for a year, it took some getting used to again. thankfully, it was a short flight. i was hoping to catch a power nap on the plane, since i stayed up all night in lab and went directly to the airport from school. managed to nap for a bit...though i got awoken intermittently by the pressure imbalance in my ears. somehow, i think flying is the best method of ear-cleaning, at least for me. as the plane ascends, i find that whatever stuff that has been accumulating in my ears gets pushed out. not sure why, but i bet there's a perfectly scientific explanation for it. just wish i knew how exactly it works.

like i said earlier, more than half of day 1 is over. what's left for us today is collecting our athlete/coach/referee passes, dinner, then a night walk and/or a chem tuition session. these kids are missing school, after all, and a few of them sounded enthusiastic when i kind of mentioned that i'd be willing to help. major events for day 2 are the referees' meeting and subsequent welcome dinner. days 3 and 4 are the competition, so i'm not sure how much R&R can be done on those 2 days. the last day is basically packing and departure, so i've got to get my souvenirs either tonight or tomorrow morning. which kind of reminds me. i still don't know what to buy. bugger. well, the coach used to be a tour guide specializing in japan, so i'm sure he's very knowledgeable about the art of giving omiyage. will have to consult him for tips. meanwhile, i think i'll go rot on the bed, and maybe try to fit a short power nap in...or maybe not. given my current fatigue levels, plus the nice comfortable hotel bed, plus the nice cold air-con, i think i'm in for a REALLY nice sleep tonight.

-random thought of the day: No time zone difference between Macau and Singapore.-

Began writing a post on sunday, but ended up deleting it as i didn't know where i was going with it. might have been because i was blogging just for the sake of blogging...you know, seeing that i haven't updated in a week, deciding that an update was due, but not really wanting to blog and not really having anything out of the ordinary to say. this post, however, i do have stuff on my mind, and i kind of really do want to get it off my chest. explains why i'm starting this post in the middle of the day in school, in between experiments.

the thing that suddenly began weighing on my mind is health. not my own, thankfully. in the past 2 weeks alone, i was told that my friend's dad has liver cancer, (another) one of my cousins has lymphoma, and different friend has hereditary spastic paraplegia. i'm not even making that last condition up; it really exists, stupid name and all. for someone who usually knows roughly what to say under most circumstances, i find myself completely lost for words here. like, what can you say? "i'm sorry to hear it"? "be strong"? "things will get better"? nothing seems to be appropriate or adequate. what's more, you don't know for sure that things will get better, so it's kind of stupid to say that.

hovering behind all this is the looming shadow of death. cancer is a bugger, it really is. there was this HPB advertisement showing a guy saying "i have cervical cancer" and a woman saying "i have prostate cancer". it's medically incorrect, since most guys and girls don't have cervixes and prostates respectively. i thought there was a mistake, too, until someone pointed out the real meaning behind the advertisement, which was that cancer doesn't just affect the patient, but the people around them as well. quite clever, but a little too subtle for most people (myself included) to catch, i think. anyway. my friend was telling me that his dad is scheduled for an operation, and the chance of success is 95%. as good as it sounds, the problem is that most patients do not live past 5 years of the operation, which means that the odds aren't in his favour. how do you even react to the idea that you more than likely have only 5 years left?

as for my cousin, i actually don't talk to him all that often. wait...that's a gross understatement, actually. we have gone for years without so much as an email between us. i think we interact once every 3 to 4 years on average, since i was born until now. our lack of closeness is due to 2 major reasons: the large age gap (he's in his...mid-30s now?), and that he was overseas for most of the time as i was growing up. in fact, he's in canada now, and the email he sent us says that he's in good hands. i'm inclined to believe that, as his wife is an oncologist, and he's a doctor himself.

i found about the last friend's condition through a note he wrote on facebook. i think he's known for quite a while, but only just got ready to break the news to everyone. it sucks because he's always been an active sort of guy. cycling, running, generally being sweaty more often than not. i got to know him in JC, and he was in ODAC. doesn't sound that impressive, but you'll know exactly what i mean if you were from CJC within +-4 years of me. he went on to NDU, and last i heard, he had signed on there. not sure how this development has affected that. last time i met him was a couple of years back, when he went back to CJC for ODAC training (i think) which coincided with judo training. i'm pretty sure he graduated from SMU, though i have no idea what he's been up to recently. he seems to be taking it reasonably well, being positive and all.

one common thought runs through here. 'it's not fair'. sometimes, no matter how much people exercise, watch their weight, eat healthy, illness still comes to them. in contrast to me...i don't count my calories, probably could exercise more, am not the physically fittest person in any given group of people, yet, i am perfectly healthy. at least i think i am. you know, i think any of the people i just mentioned could do so much more with my health. but would i trade places with them? no, no matter how selfish it makes me look. i really can't picture myself faced with such a scenario. i wouldn't know how to react at all. then again, would anyone know how to react? somehow i think it's one of those things that you're never completely prepared for. kind of like me and glasses. i don't have a spare pair of glasses, so whenever my only pair breaks or somehow can't function as it's supposed to, i get all annoyed and have to set aside time to get them fixed ASAP. not saying that i wouldn't do that if i had a spare, but the urgency factor would be reduced. i guess in this case, my glasses breaking reflects the illness, and a spare reflects having insurance and/or savings. not sure if it's entirely accurate/relevant, but whatever.

reading my friend's facebook note made me think a bit. in particular, one of the sentences hit me quite hard. it goes, "I lead a relatively normal life and I had the one thing that many people take for granted, the ability to just be normal". it's true, i take being normal for granted. things like walking, driving, judo, lab work...none of them require tremendous effort on my part (well, maybe judo, but you get the idea). it makes me think further, what more can i do with my perfectly healthy self? get in shape. spend more energy on lab work. stop slacking. sure, it's easy to list them out like this, but execution...not so much. i have super high motivation initially, but it dies off very quickly, too. wonder why.

when i see people i know faced with problems of such magnitude, i can't help but feel incredibly whiny. compared to them, my problems are virtually nonexistent. i mean, how can wanting to publish a paper and wanting to find someone to be with even compare to cancer or paraplegia? it can't. they're in completely different leagues. but at the same time, it doesn't mean that my problems are any less valid, right? remember reading that off somewhere. of course, if i came down with some nasty ailment, that might be a different story. but to healthy me, my problems appear big enough. not that i'm downplaying the seriousness of cancer or whatnot...actually this train of thought doesn't seem to be leading anywhere. guess i'll suspend it here until i can think it out properly.

going off somewhat on a tangent here. recently, i've been feeling the need to reinvent myself. make new friends from other social circles (while not neglecting my old friends), move out and live alone. is it a quarter-life crisis? goodness knows. what i do know is that it's becoming increasingly claustrophobic at home...which could be one of the reasons why i stay late in lab. and speaking of lab, i've to be in early tomorrow to secure the HPLC. so i'd better go off. other more mundane things can probably wait until the next update.

-random thought of the day: I should write. By hand, not type.-