Every single time i clean my room, i will invariably fall sick. well, it's not really illness, just a running nose brought about by my damned dust allergy. recently, it seems to have gotten worse. like, i'll start feeling it on the day of cleaning, and it'll progress into cough, headache, mild fever, and cold symptoms that will last for a couple of days afterward, rendering me resigned to bed and feeling useless. even antihistamines don't seem to help, though the one i got (clarityn) seems to be one of the weaker ones, and thus probably not as effective. that's a key reason why i don't clean my room thoroughly all that often. i'll dispose of rubbish routinely and all that, but a good sweeping and mopping is much more rare. should consider wearing a respirator or at least a mask of some sort, to prevent inhalation of the dust/dust mites. either that, or have strong antihistamines ready before cleaning. another viable option would be to subcontract the cleaning out to a person or company, but that's for when i get my own place. will have some N-95 masks and maybe antihistamines on standby for the next room cleaning. if CRISPR was affordable enough and proven to be safe, i'd probably have the vulnerability to dust edited out of my genome.

since i'm not breathing too well right now, i had to postpone my gym session for a couple of days - from friday to this morning, then to monday. was hoping to recover enough by this morning to go, but that evidently didn't happen. guess it gives my muscles a bit more time to recover, too. thankfully i decided to ramp up the training, and still hit my 3 gym sessions a week minimum before the allergic reaction. fell back on swimming, though; i'll explain why in a bit. seems like i strained my back on tuesday, necessitating a decrease in weights lifted on thursday. the nice coaches also helped me correct my lifting form. key things to bear in mind are lean forward more, bend the knees, engage the abs, and don't let the chest come up before the rest of the body. i can do most of that, except that i have occasional difficulty with engaging the abs. i guess i don't really use them on a daily basis, so the neural pathways aren't very developed. one of the coaches recommended an exercise called "punch me", involving getting friends around you to randomly punch you in the stomach, to test whether your abs are tense. not about to do that, and if anyone wants to try, do it at your own risk. figure i need a bit more core training, too. will factor that in somehow.

week 3 of healthy living is over, and i think i've more or less maintained, or maybe slackened a bit. still keeping up with the healthy living, sticking to my allotted calorie count (more or less, i'm not that strict in tracking), and cutting down on snacking. finished my chocolate from australia, so that's one less source of distraction. when i next get chocolate cravings, i'll look for those 90% cacao varieties. with even less sugar, it should be even healthier. hoping that this minor bout of unwellness won't set me back too far. then again, i don't think it will. my appetite's been reduced, so there's less chance of me overeating. in fact, i slept most of today away, and the only meal that i will have today (apart from a couple of apples) is bubbling away on the stove now. should be ready in another half an hour.

one of the consequences of being sick is that uhh...hormones are downregulated, to put it scientifically. ask me in person for the non-scientific version if you want to know. hint: it involves a reference to pointed, bony projections on the heads of various animals. anyway. this has given me some mental clarity to think about what to do with that person. the short answer: nothing much. the long answer is that at this point, i still don't know them well enough as a person. so far, my desire to get to know them better and to be a couple has largely been driven by physical attraction, and to put it a bit more crudely, desire. of course, their personality is above the minimum standard that i'd accept (unlike june scumbag and the recent malaysian person), but i still don't know how good of a fit we are. i don't even know if they'd accept me as i am right now! so while i will still welcome opportunities for us to get closer, i don't think i will push for them.

another thing that i should remind myself of more constantly is that looks are impermanent. case in point, i was stalking that person's facebook, and fortunately for me, they're not as private as i am. so i was able to see some of their previous posts and photos. to be honest, i probably would not have given them a second look 5 years ago. yes, i'm still somewhat superficial, despite my best efforts. i also noticed it with another group member. they look good - attractive, even - in person, but go back to their photos from 3 to 4 years ago, and they look so different. maybe some people get better-looking with age? whatever the case may be, i think that i should do my best to avoid the topic of romance for now. i don't feel ready. just hope that i can remember that once i feel better.

due to my tremendous wisdom and meticulousness, i didn't notice that i had not capped the bottle of shower gel in my swimming bag. somehow, that bottle got tipped over sideways, and released a not-small amount of shower gel into the bag. i tried washing it off, but let's just say my bag is now capable of producing its own lather. going to send it for one, possibly more, runs through the washing machine to resolve that. until i do, though, i can't bring it to the pool. the timing isn't half bad, actually, considering my physical condition now. should probably take it a little easier for the time being, but not completely slacking off, either.

-random thought of the day: Cleaning sucks.-

Yet another weird dream. this one started by me seeing that my old sec 1/sec 2 maths and PE teacher was in charge of the mounted (horse) contingent at NDP. that's weird in itself, because i don't think we've had horses at NDP, ever. he was wearing a private's rank, though I know he's at least an NS major.

after the parade, i went to the stables to look for him. seeing a figure in the distance, i yelled for him to stop, and told that figure thank you for guiding me in lower secondary, it really served me well in upper secondary. that figure turned out to be a random uncle, so i went into the stables and saw my ex-teacher interacting with some stray cats in cages. why there was a cat shelter in a stable, i'll never know. i got temporarily distracted by a russian cat, as I wanted to see if it understood russian. apparently it did, which is odd because i have no way of knowing that, as i don't speak russian myself.

i then approached my teacher, who had changed back into the attire i remember him in the most (white polo tee and blue shorts), and told him the same thing - thank you for taking care of me, the life skills you taught served me well later in life. how true this actually is, i don't know. he seemed pleasantly surprised to hear that, and the scene switched to my old room in bishan. he told me that he usually didn't like the shy kids in his class, but he took special care of me for some reason. again, I don't know how true this is. it may just be my perception. i shook his hand, and we were joined by two of my classmates from that time. i'm still good friends with one guy, but haven't seen the other one since first 3 months in JC, probably. i reminisced about secondary school days with my classmates, and something made me laugh really hard. we (classmates, teacher and i) shared some more conversation before i woke up.

this dream is weird because i don't think of this teacher that much, if at all, let alone dream of him. i think i sent him a facebook friend request a few years back, but he didn't accept it. he left cat high sometime between 2005 and 2010, i think. have absolutely no idea of his current whereabouts. in all honesty though, my mind is probably sugar-coating our interactions. one of my other classmates said that he disliked this teacher for being a little bit of a bully, and not being able to teach well. then again, he was a PE teacher who had to teach us maths. i'm sure he didn't really enjoy it, either. personally, I never felt that this teacher was a bully. sure, he was kind of fierce, throwing chalk at people who were dozing off, giving push-ups as punishments, but that was quite routine for the time in a boys' school, no? i actually quite liked him...he had an interesting sense of humour, and several quotes that stuck with me originated from him, most prominently "actions have consequences". i hope that me dreaming of him isn't a bad omen.

-random thought of the day: Too much of a good thing isn't good.-

Second consecutive day of gym, and 2/5 into week 3 of healthy living. i'm feeling considerably more sore, despite my effort to space the workouts 30-ish hours apart to give myself more time to recover. but then, maybe i didn't recover efficiently yesterday, as one of my friends had complimentary passes to the zoo and river safari. so we spent about...4 hours (shortly after my gym session!) walking inside both those places, plus a bit more walking at vivocity for dinner later in the night. at the zoo, these friends volunteered me to handle a snake (ball python) during one of the animal shows. in case you don't know, snakes scare me quite a lot. and as luck would have it, the presenter/host picked me. despite knowing that i was in good hands and that no harm would befall me, i have never been more scared in my life. well, maybe that's not entirely true. only a few occasions would beat that, like my first traffic accident. from reading that the second-scariest experience of my life is handling a snake, you may get the impression that nothing much scares me. you couldn't be further from the truth. i do get anxious about a lot of things, and i do scare quite easily. i just do my best to place myself in situations where i won't get scared, hence my refusal to watch horror movies. the show presenters got me though, by sneaking a huge yellow python up on stage behind me while i was preoccupied with the much smaller ball python. i got sufficiently startled that i yelled half of a profanity - really loudly too, it seemed! maybe that's why they didn't give me a souvenir for participation at the end of the show.

while i'd been to the zoo with the ex, i'd never been to the river safari. it felt a bit like an open-air SEA aquarium, with the inclusion of mammals alongside the fish, of course. maybe it's my asian blood, but i kept thinking of food when i saw the various fish exhibits. in particular, the one for the mekong river. those huge catfish and carp could feed me for half a year, easy. the other exhibits were pretty interesting too. didn't get to see the pandas...they were being contained in another enclosure while their dinner was being laid out or something. and speaking of "laid", i learnt that the pandas aren't a couple. apparently, they're only allowed to meet during mating season in the hopes of successful breeding, and are kept apart for the rest of the year. not sure how social pandas are, but i think that that's kind of a lonely existence. don't get why we need pandas in singapore, either. well, tourist revenue, but apart from that, it seems like too much of a hassle especially when we also have the smaller, cuter, and (i imagine) more easily cared-for red pandas. on the way out, we passed by the otter and manatee exhibit. it didn't occur to me that manatees don't have legs. i'd always kind of thought that since they had flippers, and weren't fish-like mammals, they would have legs and a tail, kind of like hippos, maybe? my friend told me that that's how sailors mistook manatees for mermaids a few centuries back. maybe the lighting wasn't as good as modern day, and/or those sailors were seriously blind. of all the animals i saw at the river safari, i think i liked the otters the best. they're so graceful and happy-looking! of course, they may have otter problems (accidental pun!) that we aren't privy to, but i'll just assume that they're happy unless/until told otherwise.

after the wildlife part of the day, we went to vivocity for dinner and to look at the tsum tsum lantern display. having company for dinner was nice, with good food, though a tad bit overpriced. the lantern thing was...normal. don't think i would have missed out on much if i didn't go, but since the group wanted to, i followed to help take photos. actually, the lanterns were still ok. pretty, even. the crowd got on my nerves a bit though, especially one guy who kept trying to cut queue to take photos at the beauty and the beast thing. all in all, not someplace i would go to by myself, in spite of the pretty decorations.

i sent a few people home, and one of the topics somehow shifted to dating apps. they were telling me how easy it would be for me to meet someone who's my type on the apps, probably not because i'm in high demand, but more because using the app casts a much wider net. they also showed me a random profile to support their case. i have to admit, the person in the profile they showed me was totally my type. at this point, i'm still not ready to use apps yet, because (1) self-confidence issues, and (2) that person. ironically, that person is on at least one app. so...yes. i've got more competition than i'd thought. constant reminder to be patient, give it time, and see how things develop.

maintained my weights from yesterday in the gym, so that's a good sign. though like i mentioned earlier, i'm feeling more sore today. need to focus more on the form rather than the number of reps; may have slightly strained my back by doing deadlifts as a result of rushing to finish the set. i'm proud of a significant (15kg) increase in the weight that i push across the gym for cardio. 2 of my 3 attempts clocked in in under a minute, while the third wasn't timed. and as you'd expect, i completely died after the sets were over. funny though, it's still not as bad as the very first workout. shows that there's progress! another indicator of progress: over dinner yesterday, one of the guys in the group said that i looked good-different from the first time i met him 2 weeks ago. not sure if he's perceptive, or flattering me. regardless, i shall use this as positive reinforcement, and as motivation to stay on the "no-snacking" bandwagon for a longer stretch.

yesterday came and went with no exciting news in my school email. i really hope that they don't drag it out for too long. think what i'll do is to give them another week-ish, then ask the nice department administrator to follow up. need to see how the learning lab thing is going too; the nice hiring lady said she'd get back to me in a week or two. it's been a week and a half on that front. although i do wonder...should i really follow up if that job isn't my first choice? probably, both to leave a good impression and to keep a route open in case of emergency.

don't know why, or why now, but N (best friend from JC) made contact over whatsapp. we had a good talk, and more or less closed the chapter on the falling out. we're set to meet for a meal sometime in october, after his busy period. and i'm also looking forward to meeting his new (well, not that new by now) girlfriend. it warmed my heart and made me really happy! i suppose that that means i still treasure the friendship? yes it does. if, say, the scumbag from june reached out in a similar way (not that they can, because their number is blocked!), i would probably not bother replying or acknowledging the message. so, yes, that's another thing to look forward to in the near-ish future.

for more immediate concerns though, i've got to go grocery shopping tomorrow! running low on meat and vegetables, ie. basically everything. should find time/energy to clean my room, too. been talking about it since getting back from uzbekistan, which was like 3 weeks ago. thankfully tomorrow is a swimming day with no gym, so that should allow me to recover a little while still remaining active. have to stretch more to loosen up those muscles; my legs are still aching like crazy.

-random thought of the day: Will renew FFXIV subscription soon.-

More irrational feelings bubbled up tonight, so time to blog to dispel them.

i was at gardens by the bay for the group's mid-autumn meet-up, and that person was there. dressed very nicely and looking very attractive, i might add. they didn't make any effort to talk to me though, and to be fair, i didn't talk to them either. i'm feeling mainly frustration, from 2 sources. one, my lack of proactiveness. i should have said hi, at least! it would help to build the interpersonal relationship. two, which is kind of linked to one, is that things are going not according to my plan. in my ideal world, we'd be a couple now, or at least dating. but yes, it's WAY too fast. it's only our second face-to-face meeting. it took more than 2 meetings for me to be comfortable with some of the people in our undergrad cohort (including some of the chemistry guys), so why should this be any different? because i like the person in question, and i want the process of getting comfortable with each other to be accelerated, that's why. but as my big brother figure said on the way home, rushing things right now will totally not be productive at all. just learn to live life as normal. after all, a relationship isn't about two halves coming together to form a whole. it's more like two wholes coming together to create something even greater, like drug synergy. and i also have to account for the frequency of contact. there have been periods where i saw the chemistry guys daily (studying for exams), so the rapport was easier to build under those circumstances. so far, i've seen this person an average of once a week for the past 2 weeks, which doesn't come up to much.

finally remembered another one of the philosophical topics i wanted to talk about! how much of something can you replace before it loses whatever makes it "it"? is it only a matter of how much you replace, or also what you replace? let's examine the human body. if i replace one of my arms with a metal cybernetic limb, am i still me? probably. how about if i replace my arm with my friend's arm? i don't become my friend, do i? that seems straightforward enough, but what about organ transplants? maybe not for hearts, livers, kidneys, and other more routinely-transplantable organs, but what about the brain? i think that since it's commonly accepted that a person's consciousness resides in their brain, maybe replacing my brain with someone else's would make me no longer be me. or you can look at it the other way, and say that you're transferring yourself into another body using a brain transplant. by doing that, you'd be replacing the majority of your body - but still retain your "you-ness". i'm still fairly clear up to this point, not that i'd see such radical procedures in my lifetime, i think. it might be a form of immortality, placing your brain into new host bodies. of course, the brain would still probably weaken, age, and eventually die, so maybe not? i'm not a doctor (yet, and even then, still not a medical doctor), so i don't know.

the line blurs a little when it comes to inanimate objects or machines. in particular, i've been thinking of my car. where is the car's "consciousness" located? its computer? drawing parallels to humans, that counts as the "brain", so maybe. the reason this train of thought came about is because after the accident, some parts got replaced. does that make this version of the car any less "mine"? probably not. it still behaves and handles about the same as pre-accident (save for the steering alignment, which i will fix). the engine is the same, they didn't change any major internal parts, so all in all, i'd still call it my car. also, i want to continue journeying through life with this car, even though i know the scrap date is fixed to be by may 2022 latest. so, i want to find some way to take this car's "spirit"/"consciousness" into a new body. in singapore, probably the only legal (and least expensive) way to do this would be to retain the licence plate number and carry it on to the next vehicle. when i say "least expensive", it's already going to cost $1000, so that's some perspective for you. good thing my licence plate number is fairly unremarkable; the only possible alternate meaning it could have is as a date (DD/MM). and as far as i know, nothing significant has happened to me on the date that it denotes. only thing facebook came up with for that date from 2012 until now is that the ex and i went on a date on that date in 2016. wasn't an outstanding date, either; would probably not crack the top 10. well...we'll see how plans work out when it's time for me to change car. my cousin did advise me to look for one with a lower depreciation, but i think finding a car that depreciates below $7000 per year is quite difficult at present. so i'll probably stick to it, and use the next 3+ years to save up enough money for a new car. if i have my way, it'll be a honda again. but let's not look ahead too far.

-random thought of the day: Be patient!-

If i had to pick my theme of the year right now, i would probably go for something like "patience", or "good things are worth waiting for"...something that reminds me to not rush, and to take things as they come. i've got another potential candidate too, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. after all, there are approximately 100 more days before my year-end post, which leaves plenty of time for new theme ideas to pop up.

gym yesterday was decent. increased some weights, while keeping others constant. it was also the end of healthy living: week 2. i do notice improvements in terms of performance, weights being the variable which is the most easily monitored. my fatigue levels after gym are also improving, which means that i'm building endurance. the effects of wednesday's tuina still lingered, and made my legs incredibly sore. have to do more stretching and myofascial release techniques (foam rolling, mainly) to reduce muscle tension and restore flexibility. i noticed some improved range of motion in my knee already after stretching and working out, so i'm hoping that there will be even more progress. was also talking to the coaches, and asked about increasing my workout frequency to 4 times a week, up from 3. it's a bit of a step forward, but i have to remember to let my body have enough rest. right now, my plan is monday/thursday afternoons and tuesday/friday nights, giving my body at least 36 hours to rest between gym sessions. will probably hold the swimming at 3 times a week, probably mondays, wednesdays, and thursdays/fridays, plus a weekend if i feel hardworking.

for nutrition, i was reading up on the ketogenic diet. it sounds good in principle, and one of my online friends has vouched for its effectiveness. the coaches at the gym say that it's a fad diet, though, and don't recommend doing it long term, ie. more than a couple of months at a go. personally, i'm more or less doing it already, or a variation of it, anyway. my diet for the past 2 weeks has been low to zero carbohydrates, and moderate protein. only thing different from the keto diet is that it requires high fat intake, but that's the part that instinctively raises some doubt. well...i'll stick to what i'm doing now, maybe. only thing i have to improve on is reducing snacking, or at least keeping it within my daily caloric allowance. falling off the bandwagon is fine, just as long as you get back on in a reasonable amount of time. there's this effect which i forgot the name of, but essentially it's something like snowballing. you slip up and have a slice of cake, for example. then you think, 'since i already messed up, why not go further?' before you know it, the entire cake is gone and you end up in an even worse state than you'd have been in if you'd just stopped after the first slice. so, reminder to self. it's ok to indulge once in a while. just don't do it too frequently, and don't go overboard. perhaps i should look into making healthy snacks. air-fried broccoli shows potential. you know how most people will go for the florets instead of the stemmy bits when eating broccoli that's been prepared conventionally? i do that too, but i found that the opposite is better when i air-fry it. the hot air makes the florets kind of shrivel and dry up, and they sometimes even burn. that same process actually softens the broccoli stems and gives them a texture almost like certain types of japanese pickles. i quite enjoy munching on them, especially when they're salted and seasoned well. should buy more stemmy broccoli, i guess, and/or prepare the florets separately in the conventional manner.

apart from exercising and eating, i haven't really been that productive with my time. been thinking of what else i can do to occupy myself. the most immediate/logical answer would be to get a job, but i've mentioned my reasons for holding off for the time being. incidentally, next monday will be 2 months to the day of thesis submission. hopefully good news arrives in my school email by then. i'm not stupid enough to expect outright acceptance of the thesis, but i'm hoping for minor revisions at the most, and no additional lab work. that's the most important bit, actually. having to do additional experiments would result in significant delay, which would not be good for my overall timeline. also hoping that i won't be kept waiting for too long after that. one of my friends submitted in january, but only defended in august. not sure as to the reason of such a long delay, but luckily his professor still employed him in the interim, so he was more or less financially ok. other things that i've been considering to occupy myself are FFXIV, and/or maybe getting a short-term job. for FFXIV, one of my online friends bought the wrong regional subscription for herself, and gave it to me as a gift because it worked for my account's region. it's a 60-day subscription, and i haven't activated it yet. and what with the new patch that was launched last week, it seems like a really good time to go back into the game. the only worry i have is that i'll spend excessive amounts of time on it, which would be bad for job-hunting and other real-life activities. what's more, i haven't been getting the same levels of enjoyment out of it that i did previously. i think most of it is to do with the community. they're not toxic or anything, but it's like everyone is off doing their own things. i've definitely said this before, i'm looking for a permanent casual to semi-serious raiding group. somehow, i'm not sure how successful i'll be in finding one. well...maybe i should go back for a bit, just for the new content and storylines. we'll see.

had a small-ish (15 people maximum?) get-together with some friends last night, and slept over at the venue. when i say "had", it kind of sounds like i organized it...but i didn't. i don't really hang out with this group of friends a lot, probably because the group was started online. compared to say, the chemistry guys, or even my JC class, i don't feel as close to most members of this online group, except for one of my big-brother figures who started the group. well he started the group and i joined it before he became a big-brother figure to me, but details. it was quite fun, though. we played a little truth or dare, and never had i ever. sounds so american high school, right!? never have i ever was interesting. found out a lot about one particular member of the group, who let's just say had a rather exciting history. again, i do kind of wish that i'd been more adventurous in my twenties, but it would have been difficult too, i imagine. after most of the people had gone home and/or to sleep, the 4 of us who were still awake had a bit of a more intimate conversation. i told them about my feelings regarding that person, who's in the wider group (and who wasn't there that night). one of the guys, who was at that person's house with me last week, told me not to get my hopes up. apparently in his view, i had come on a little too strongly for our first meeting. he described the person as a "小绵羊" (little sheep) who had to be coaxed into approaching strangers. it's an oddly cute descriptor, and stupid as it sounds, that image makes me like that person that much more. to be honest, i don't know what the best course of action is now. scary JC friend says that she wouldn't waste her time, my friends in the group say to take it easy, no pressure. on the other hand, i do know what NOT to do, and that would be to scare that person off. i guess it's a blessing in disguise, that that person needs time to warm up to people. i think that i should do my best to focus on myself, instead of worrying about unlikely scenarios. although going back to a fundamental question, do i really want to date someone from an online group? considering how i met the ex and both malaysian persons (all online), my track record for online dating isn't really very good. in my ideal world, i'd meet my someone for the first time in a real-life encounter, be it a mutual friend introducing us, bumping into each other on the street or in a shop, or even having a friendship progress into something more. i think that this thought is partially influenced by what ian mckellen said (and you thought professor X was the telepath!). watch the video below:

hoping with all my heart that i haven't passed the love of my life by while being distracted by some meaningless activity. or if i have, i hope that there will be a chance for me to redeem myself. you know, i was just thinking - while i do have a fair few friends who are married, engaged, or otherwise partnered, i also do have a significant proportion of friends who are still single. and maybe me feeling like i'm behind in terms of life progress is more internal than i'd thought. of course there is some truth to it, key example being that i started dating only at 27 years old. but i should learn to feel better about myself. and to recall a lesson i learnt earlier this year, there really are plenty of fish in the sea. i just have to be patient, and fish with good-quality bait, ie. by being both physically and otherwise-ly attractive.

today was pretty much a rest day. due to the gathering and sleepover, i only had about 2.5 hours' sleep before i had to wake up for turf city driving duty. managed to send the elders to and fro safely, so that's a win. good thing that no matter how sleep-deprived i am, i am alert while driving. helps that i blasted music and wound down the windows too. note: i've never driven while in extreme fatigue, and i don't recommend that anyone does it. i've never driven after not sleeping for more than 24 hours, so that's a slight disclaimer. after all the driving, i came home and crashed for about 5 hours, which leaves me feeling more refreshed now, but still slightly tired. will probably have an early night tonight. no tuition tomorrow, because i now have a fortnightly arrangement with VS boy. there is kurash in the afternoon, though, after which i'm going to meet that same group of friends from 2 paragraphs up for some mid-autumn festivities. that person will be there too, so that's...good, i guess? at least i have someone to look at. at the same time, take things easy/casual and don't creep them out. treat them as i would a normal friend, that seems to be the way to go.

also been looking at some pens. yes, the pen bug is here again. must be the change in seasons or something. apart from the ridiculously expensive titanium pen which i will only get after working for some time, a couple of pens have also caught my eye. they're made by a taiwanese brand called TWSBI (pronounced "twiss-bee"), and one is under $30 while another is about $65. both pens have steel nibs, which is fairly boring when compared to other more exotic metals like gold, titanium, or palladium. what makes one of the pens interesting is its filling system, which is a piston that's operated by a push-type plunger as opposed to a screw-type one. that's a first, as far as i can tell. sucky thing is that they make that model of pen in both blue and black, which are both colours that i'd go for. if pressed to choose, i'd probably go black. the blue isn't dark enough for my liking. the other pen is a fairly standard piston-filler, but its colour scheme is inspired by the taiwan flag. blue, red, and a white sun on the cap. it would probably make a good gift, although i feel like getting one for myself just for collection purposes. at the end of the day, i've got to remember that these are WANTS, not needs. not to mention the persistent notebook demon hovering around and whispering into my ears. i'll only give in when i start making money, after i've paid off all my debts, and most importantly, after i've reduced the number of idle notebooks i have. lucky i'm not much of an ink fiend, although i think it will take years of consistent writing for me to deplete my existing stock. let's see...i've got 4 different shades of blue, one purple, one red, one small bottle of green, and one invisible/UV-active. not planning on buying any more, unless they come up with a super irresistable colour...probably a super vibrant and deep blue, as that's pretty much the only colour i really love. oh! i sold off one of my pens. it was a lamy safari, and the first fountain pen that i got for myself. after delving deeper into the bottomless pit, i realized that the aesthetic didn't quite suit me. sold it packaged with an extra nib and 5 extra converters for $45. what really surprised me was that a 14 year old kid bought it! i was most impressed, and hope it serves him well. makes me feel a bit better too, letting the pen go for cheap to a student. i will assume that he's not going to re-sell it, but will use it for his daily writing needs.

well, that's all for now i guess. going to rustle up some dinner and maybe have an internal debate on whether or not to renew my final fantasy subscription. unfortunately, i didn't get a second part to the weird dream from earlier this week. hope that i can keep up with the healthy living plans. as the coaches said, i didn't get to this state overnight, so getting out of it won't happen overnight, either. 2 weeks is still too soon for any observable change; that happens typically after a month or two. for now, i just have to focus on the process and trust that things are working in my favour. sounds a lot easier than it actually is to do.

-random thought of the day: Should consider letting some other pens go.-

Yesterday was quite win-filled (with one slight downer), but let me talk about a weird dream first.

*the dream was set in a futuristic, yet final fantasy-type setting*
i was on an airship of some sort, floating through the sky. i bumped into someone, and we had some brief conversation before he tapped me on the chest while saying goodbye. security forces announced that there were some infiltrators on board, and that everyone had to be scanned, which consisted of visualizing your blood vessels (kind of like in the museum in perth, though they used a red light in this dream) and a fingerprint verification. being a good citizen, i obliged to the scan, but something went wrong. my blood vessels were invisible to the scan, and i didn't have fingerprints any more. that placed me under suspicion of being an infiltrator, which meant certain death. i escaped from the security forces with the aid of my cousin, who was wearing a pink suit of body armour. and you know those mistaken identity moments in movies, where you get momentarily distracted and end up following someone else who's dressed the same/similarly as the person you're intending to follow? that happened. i took the lift with the wrong person in pink body armour, who turned out to be artemis from ready player one. we wound up in a basement with many confusing hallways, and had a shootout with more security forces. down there, i met a guy called kefka, but not the one from final fantasy VI. this one was a short roegadyn (race from FFXIV) with tremendous facial hair, and the leader of the infiltrators. he told me that the airship's management/government were not telling the entire truth, and there was a plot and something to do with north korea. i somehow reached the conclusion that that tap on the chest from earlier introduced nanites into my system which obscured my blood vessels and erased my fingerprints. there was another meeting at an above-ground swimming pool, and i think fireworks were set off. that's about all i remember.

could be a potential movie or game plot, right? wonder if i should develop it into something, or maybe pass the idea to some of my more creative friends. mildly annoying that the dream didn't reach a good conclusion. hopefully i'll get the continuation/sequel tonight.

on to my day full of wins! i shifted gym to the morning as i had a dinner at night. increased weights across the board, so that's a good sign i think. will probably maintain some and increase others for friday's session. still died at the end, with the timed exercise. well, there was progress; i managed to push a (slightly) heavier platform to and fro in about the same time as before adding weights. the coaches also recommended an eye exercise which promotes alignment of the body. given the state of my eyes' alignment, i wonder how much of it i'll need to do. the results were quite significant, though, so maybe that's worth investing a little more time into.

gym was followed my TCM. or more accurately, just the tuina (massage) part. the clinic is closed on wednesdays, but therapists who want to do overtime for more money can come back. i told the therapist that my legs were feeling tight, and she spent 2 hours killing me. i know some guys (friends from FFXIV) have fantasies of being stepped on, but surely not like that! not sure whether it was a result of the knee injury or what, but i seem to be getting more muscle stiffness, and getting it more easily, too. need to incorporate a regimen of stretching and/or foam rolling into my workouts. even almost 24 hours later, i'm still feeling soreness as an after-effect of the trauma.

with about 4 hours to kill before the dinner, i went to vivocity to see about getting my phone screen replaced. they told me that they didn't have the part in stock, so i asked them to check other outlets for me. plaza singapura had the part, and since it was on the same MRT line, i went there to see them. the process was quite simple...erase all my data, hand the phone over, sign a few forms, and wait for 2 hours. 2 hours is surprisingly difficult to kill! i basically walked around the entire mall, looking at the changes and reminiscing about the past, both good and bad. i used to go to plaza singapura with my then-best friend almost every sunday back in secondary school. we'd meet in the afternoon in the MRT (he stayed in ang mo kio, so i'd hop on his train and we'd go down together from bishan), go to le meridien to play pool for 3-4 hours, then hang out at plaza singapura and sometimes have dinner before going home at night. it's funny how the bond that we built can be eroded so readily by time. our last meaningful contact was in year 1 of army, which was 2007. and the last time i tried to reach out in 2014/2015, he said that he was too busy to have a meal with me. so...that was the end of that, i guess. he was great to have around (though he got on my nerves sometimes, as i'm sure i got on his), and we had a good run as best friends, i think. quickly stalking his facebook shows that he's married, with a kid on the way. i'm happy for him, and wish him the best.

sorry for the digression. while getting my phone repaired in such a short time (and for free, because warranty) was quite a big win, i did forget to backup some...not exactly important files, but files that i would rather have not lost. i could have sworn that i did do a backup, though. must be my memory slipping. well, it's no big deal. i know where to find most of the files, except for one which is irreplaceable. bugger. or maybe not having that file in my life is better, as it reduces the frequency of me thinking of someone. it'll be fine. the repair people were nice enough to replace my screen, battery, and charging port. i didn't ask for the latter 2, but it so happened that the battery is attached to the screen, and they detected a problem with my charging port. so more win! what was significantly more annoying is that restoring my phone's data wiped my apps and settings clean. i don't know why, since i didn't have this problem when restoring data to my phone when i first got it. or if i did, i'd forgotten about it by now. it's not life-threatening, just bothersome to have to configure each app as i open it again for the first time.

last item on yesterday's agenda was an old boys' dinner to observe the mooncake festival. food was good, as usual. they had the traditional activity of solving riddles, and as you'd expect, it was conducted completely in chinese. while i am ok with conversational-level chinese, anything deeper and i'm lost. there were some riddles which relied on wordplay, historical references, and making some loose-ish connections. such literary wizardry is definitely not one of my strong suits, not outside of english, at least. but i did learn a little more about the thought process behind making and solving riddles. not sure how useful that will be for me, but it never hurts to have more knowledge.

think i'll end off here for now. as a reminder, blog about air-fried broccoli, renewing my FFXIV subscription, and a potential upcoming JC class gathering.

-random thought of the day: Mildly lethargic today.-

Had quite a satisfying day today! went to do grocery shopping, and accidentally hit the kerb while driving there. that's not satisfying at all, but everything other than that was. the affected tyre still looks well-seated on the wheel rim, though the rim got scratched up a bit. should be fine. learning from the previous experience, i didn't get vegetables at giant tampines. that's my task for tomorrow at rivervale mall, along with depositing my tuition money. what i did get was chicken and beef, to have somewhat of a change from salmon. i had wanted to get batang fish (also known as spanish mackerel), but there weren't any on display. next week, then. changing the protein source is kind of a refreshing experience. maybe next time i'll alternate between weeks. and i spent a bit of time talking to the butcher, and realized that he understands chinese despite being malay. i wonder if my majority privilege is showing, as i've never had to learn a foreign language just because almost everyone around me speaks it.

gym today felt easier in general than last week, though i still died a little towards the end. still increasing some weights and decreasing others for fine-tuning, but i think i've found good weights to use for now. next step is progression, to increase weights for all exercises. one of the coaches has been sticking with me, and i'm grateful for that. he's new to the gym as well (~2 months), so i guess it does him good to have a familiar set of people to work with. he came up with the idea of timing one of my exercises, which involves pushing a weighted platform across the gym and back, and which was also the reason for my partial demise. proud to say i met his timing, though there's lots more room for improvement. nutrition-wise, i think i'm eating decently. reduced my portion size, and am generally eating healthy/clean. my only concession is a few small cups of sake on some nights. figured that i had to start depleting my stash before i could bring in any new ones to sample. the one i'm drinking now is called gen, by yatsushika. really smooth and easy to drink, as one would expect from a junmai daiginjou. it's almost like drinking fragrant, flavoured water; there's no alcohol burn at all. i've gotten good at estimating the amount to pour into the tokkuri (flask), which i then pour from into a small cup as i drink. think of those ancient chinese martial arts shows, where sworn brothers drink 3 cups of wine to finalize their oath. that kind of cup. so i'm getting maybe 100mL each night that i drink? should be reasonable, and within my allotted calories.

let me just clear one thing that i've wanted (but kept forgetting) to blog about for maybe 3 weeks to a month. my original s-pen resurfaced! i saw it lying on the table outside of my room, looking slightly scuffed and smelling of laundry detergent. logical conclusion: i somehow bundled it into my dirty clothes or bedsheet, and inadvertently sent it for a trip in the washing machine. good news is that it's working fine, and i have a spare s-pen just in case. i wonder, though, what if i had waited for a little longer before making the decision to buy the spare? would have saved myself $40. oh well. what's done is done.

not much to update about that person, although i kind of get the feeling that they may not be too interested in me. don't be too paranoid, let's just see where things go as friends first. remember to take things slowly, there's no rush to date or get into a relationship. plus, i want to see some results from the healthy living plan before i consider relationships. that should boost my confidence somewhat.

more pointers for swimming tomorrow: most of the propulsion comes from the kick. glide a little in the water, too. the arms' main function is to facilitate taking a breath. look down at the pool floor, not ahead, while underwater. hope these things will help me go under 2 minutes per length. but i need practice, still.

-random thought of the day: Remember TCM on Wednesday!-

Feeling some irrational frustration, so i figured it's best to do some analysis. well, the frustration is probably rational, but there is an element of irrationality in there somewhere.

so what happened is that i went to someone's house (as part of a group) yesterday for a gaming session. there were about 6 of us there, and we're all part of a larger social group. we played some board/card games, as well as mahjong. that's all fine and well, increased social interaction and all that. what's not so fine is that i was, and still am, quite seriously attracted to the host. now, you'd think that that's not a bad thing, right? after all, there's attraction, then maybe we can move on to dating, a relationship, etc. etc. until we both die of old age in each other's arms. that's the fairytale ending, which i don't think will happen (yet). for one, i haven't expressed my interest in them. secondly, i doubt that they're interested in me. thirdly, i'm not in the right frame of mind for the whole dating thing right now.

and i suppose that's where the whole frustration part comes in. i don't feel ready to date/have a relationship, yet i fall for someone who i think is nice and attractive. let's just assume that friends with benefits is out of the question for now, too. i've been trying to come up with reasons for this behaviour, but so far it seems like it's a case of "the heart wants what it wants". and that's regardless of protests from the brain and common sense. i guess a part of it is also due to the fear of missing out (abbreviated FOMO by some investor-like people), as i find it hard to believe that someone so nice is not currently partnered. in fact, someone so nice has been single for what...13 years? i was talking to one of my big brother figures about this, and he came to the conclusion that given the person's looks (decent, slightly above average) and personality (nice, considerate; way, way above average), the most probable reason for them not being partnered for so long is because they're picky about who they're willing to accept as their partner. extremely picky, even. either that, and/or there's residual trauma from their most recent relationship (but for 13 years!?). so...i'm not sure how good of a chance i stand. because who knows? nicer/hotter people may have tried and failed in the past 13 years. of course, maybe nobody's tried either. multiple scenario wavefunctions exist in my mind because i didn't observe what actually happened. sure, i could ask and remove all doubt, but not yet.

to be honest, i also don't know that much about the person. we've chatted online (both in the group and over PM), but yesterday was our first face-to-face meeting. i notice that i tend to want to rush into the dating/more-than-friends phase, possibly due to not wanting to repeat the drawn-out process that was progressing the relationship with the ex. i should remind myself to take it more slowly. i did refer to this person as an acquaintance in the previous post, after all. so we clearly do not know each other well enough to be jumping into dating. and besides, if it's meant to be, it will happen regardless, right? actually, maybe not. i don't know. anyway, let's just list down stuff i know about this person so far:

- their age (older than me, but they look so young!)
- their education history
- their current occupation
- they have artistic talent
- they used to collect figurines
- they play wow, but not FFXIV
- they don't like batman(!)
- they're decent at mahjong
- they're kind of skittish around new/unfamiliar people
- as a result, they take time to warm up to people

i told scary JC friend (who is in america!) about this person, and she says that if it was her in my position, she wouldn't waste her time. i guess our characters are quite similar...we know what/who we want and (to quote a phrase from the thin blue line) dislike "fannying about". it seems that this person might require more time than i am accustomed to giving, so we'll see how that goes. i should really really remind myself to just look inwards for now. it's too torturous to imagine all the possibilities, and it'll be even worse if/when the dream/fantasy comes crashing down. of course, the other reminder is that this person isn't perfect either. how can someone not like FFXIV and batman!? they said they can't stand the graphics and interface of FFXIV. but hello, it's so much better/cleaner than wow please! this is one of those "agree to disagree things"...none of us can objectively say that we are right. but jokes aside, i don't know if the person is really as perfect as their first impression. only time will peel back the layers and reveal the person's inner self. so...yes. the plan for the foreseeable future is to just work on myself, and leave the rest to fate.

working on myself today consisted of a swim after kurash. i'm grateful that the battery of my gear fit 2 held out until the workout was over, after which i turned it off to save what little remained. it's charging now, so all is well. after watching the youtube videos on swimming, i did my best to follow their pointers, and saw a 30-second decrease in the average time it took me to swim a length of the pool. ok, for full disclosure, my new time of 2 minutes per length still isn't anything to shout about, but it does represent a 20% improvement, which is what i should be focusing on. so, well done me! while patting myself on the back, i should also remember that there's a lot of improvement to go. in particular, i'm having trouble maintaining my body horizontally in the water. taking in too much air into my lungs, probably. i noticed one guy swimming breaststroke as well, but he was so much more graceful than me! his body kind of undulated through the water; my immediate thought was that that was "swims like a fish" exemplified. i could seriously have watched him all day...but that would be creepy.

during my visits to the pool, i've seen swimmers of all ages, shapes, and sizes. i do get quite envious of the younger, fitter guys. like, they have so much potential ahead of them! it would be so much easier for them to approach someone they fancy, go through the dating game, settle down, and do all the stuff that i want to with someone else. then again, i don't think it's fair to say that, as that conclusion was reached after only a superficial assessment, and largely based on how they look. for all i know, they may have lousy character, certain health complications or diseases, made some mistakes in life...the possibilities are endless. i've caught myself thinking, more than once, 'how i wish i could switch bodies and ages with some of the guys there!'. it's funny, right? by the time you have a decent idea of how to live your life, the best time to put those plans into action has passed. i was reminded of a saying, "the best time to plant a tree is yesterday 20 years ago. the next best time is now". not 100% applicable, but you get the idea. so it's with that spirit that i'm doing what i can now, to the best of my ability and physical limitations. at the end of the day, i guess that's the best that we can do, and ask for.

forecast for next week hasn't really changed. entertain the japanese sensei, send my phone in for repair, cash my GST refund cheque from australia (they said it would arrive within 2 months, it came after 3 weeks or so. way to manage my expectations!), more gym, more swimming. two new items got added to my agenda, though. first is that i was invited to join the cat high old boys for the mid-autumn festival celebration dinner on wednesday night. will have to move my gym plans around, probably to an early afternoon session. next item also involves the old boys group, and it's that i'll be doing driving duty next saturday. looking a little further into the future, i've to attend my baby niece's 100-day celebration next month, and maybe plan for jeju in december. not forgetting thesis corrections and defense, along with seeing what the learning lab offers and looking for alternatives before making a decision. one of the juniors told me that he signed with scoot, but an offer from emirates came in a day after he signed the scoot contract. quite depressing for him, in terms of loss of potential income, but everything happens for a reason.

-random thought of the day: Sleep earlier!-

Week 1 of healthy living is over, and i'm aching. not about to give up yet, though. i had 3 gym sessions and 1 swim session over the past 5 days, plus i'm starting on those supplements from australia. for now, i'll probably stick to gym on odd-numbered weekdays, and swimming on even-numbered weekdays, plus one weekend. that leaves me one rest day each week. then we'll modify it after a month or so. 3 more weeks till then! still don't see any noticeable difference, but hey - it's only been a week. i feel a little stronger, though. i was talking to a few of the coaches, and the common consensus is that diet is the most difficult part of fat loss. so far, i've been keeping mostly within my allotted calories, or even going slightly under. did give in to temptation and have a bit (50g or so) of chocolate, though. not good, i know. but i figure that it won't be that bad since it's dark chocolate. still, should omit it completely if possible. i was watching a buzzfeed video on youtube, where a guy and a girl were challenged to get superhero physiques in a month. they did it by working with a personal trainer, but they weren't allowed cheat days due to the short timeframe. so i guess that shows the importance of diet in looking good. of course, there's the other factor that they started off looking quite decent already, so the trainer just had to tone and build up certain muscle groups. what i found amazing was that the guy dropped his body fat from 15% to 8%. wonder if i can achieve a 7% drop too...

doing grocery shopping at giant has made me realize that while proteins (meat, fish) are generally cheaper there, their vegetables are still no match for NTUC. while the prices are similar, the vegetables at giant are of poorer/more questionable quality. i've had to remove blackened leaves from within the cabbages i bought from giant. never had that issue with NTUC. perhaps i should split my groceries...gives me more chances to use samsung pay too, at the cost of some slight inconvenience by walking to rivervale mall. but hey, that means i'll be more active from the walking, so perhaps it's a win in disguise!

for swimming, i realize that i'm not being very efficient in the water. it takes me an average of 2:30 minutes to swim one length of the pool, which is 50m. that means i only swim about 1.2km in an hour, assuming zero breaks. for perspective, the current world record for 50m breaststroke is 25.95 seconds. and for 100m breaststroke, the world record is 57.10 seconds. taking all this into account, i swim approximately 5 times slower than the world record holder (it's the same person for both records, btw.)! even among the casual swimmers in the pool, i realized that i was going a little too slowly. so i went to find out how to swim optimally, and found several youtube videos. to simplify all the technical stuff, my problem is that my body is creating too much drag force in the water, and that impedes forward movement. pointers i have to bear in mind for my next swim: kick more horizontally; for that matter, keep my entire body more horizontal; have better timing and coordination between arms, legs, and breathing; keep the elbows high while pulling. hopefully i'll see some improvement on my next swim, which is tentatively set for sunday.

in other news, i went down to the learning lab yesterday to find out more about the job(s) that they were considering me for. the process was quite similar to the descriptions that i read on glassdoor, and i generally didn't have much trouble with the tasks. there was the standard application form, an editing exercise (english vocabulary and grammar), writing my personal statement with guidance from some prompts (what do you think makes a good teacher, and where do you see yourself in 2-3 years), and a few chemistry questions. the interesting thing was that the chemistry "test" was split into two components - one which i had to solve questions, and another where i had to spot errors in questions, and identify which topics/concepts were being tested. all in all i think i handled those things well enough. but when it came to the interview, i have a feeling that my reluctance to take/disinterest in the job came through. well, i prefer being honest, after all. one of my key considerations was that this tuition thing probably won't be a career for me. i actually kind of do see myself in a lab setting, maybe not doing so many experiments any more, but in a more advisory/supervisory role. think i'll apply to a few of the big names and see how things go...but i still have to hear from NUS on the outcome of the thesis exam first! the worst-case scenario would be applying for (and maybe even getting) a job, only to find out that i can only graduate with a masters'. that would be...catastrophic. so what can i do in the meantime? see VS boy for tuition, find some short-term employment, do some grabhitch, even? i actually tried to get a passenger on the way back from the gym earlier tonight. the bugger cancelled immediately after i accepted. like, why even put your request there if you're just going to cancel!? quite demoralizing. plus, grab's now taking 10% of the fare as commission. considering they came in using the angle of promoting community spirit and sociability, that's not very sociable. oh well. we'll just see if i get luckier in the future.

before gym today, i went down to the mechanic to get a few minor problems fixed. ERP IU position, wiper blade alignment, fixing back a piece of rubber that had somehow become dislodged, and changing the battery of the car remote. felt good to ensure that my precious was performing to its best potential...though i was reminded that i should wash it more often. have to settle a few more serious things at the next servicing, which is in like, 4000 more km? i was taking to the lady boss of the workshop. we've gotten kind of close, especially considering our many connections (i know her son-in-law, and my aunt and cousins go to their workshop for car issues). she's got a kid in sec 2 now, and she was asking which subjects he should take next year. i gave whatever advice i could, but my bottom line was let him take whatever he's interested in. and i need to top up the tank tomorrow. i realized that i should only top up $60 at a go, because the way SPC works is that they offer the standard 15% discount, plus an additional flat $3 off for UOB cards if you pump $60 and above worth of petrol. so by keeping the volume of petrol pumped to the bare minimum of $60, the $3 discount works out to be a larger percentage per refuel. and here i've been asking for full tank for the last goodness-knows-how-many months! feel a bit stupid, but we learn.

next week will probably be a repeat of this week. more gym and swimming, and maybe i'll get a blowtorch, after all. one of the coaches was telling me that having some variety in diet is good, so there goes my salmon-only thing. will have to look at chicken and other animals...though i wonder if i feel confident enough to buy whole chickens and break them down myself? or should i go with the pre-packed frozen chicken parts? probably have to do some simple accounting to figure it out. apart from that, my not-exactly ex, but not-exactly current (let's say "inactive", maybe) kata partner and i will be hosting a japanese sensei on tuesday. we're scheduled for lunch, so i have to remember that and maybe get some souvenirs. those things aside, i don't think there's anything else on the agenda? oh. maybe send my phone in for screen replacement. worst case i'll be phoneless for a few days, best case they provide me with a backup phone. i had called the samsung customer service to enquire about costs and durations, but i think they outsourced that department to india. you can feel the difference in culture even over the phone. at least it wasn't as bad as a somewhat prominent local literary figure's experience with singpost.

well...i guess that's it for now. still have to blog about philosophical things. but i just can't recall them! in the more immediate future, i'll go down to turf city tomorrow, and there's a board games/mahjong session at an acquaintance's house. hoping to win something, but i'll leave that up to fate. also should send my blazer(s) for dry-cleaning. more expenditure. well...the money will come back in due time. at least, it should.

-random thought of the day: Some things can't be rushed.-

Plan "healthy living" is only 3 days into execution, and i'm already second-guessing myself. was working out at the gym always this hard!? i had my first session on monday, and completely crashed after the workout, as the last post would have told you. today's workout went a little better...we adjusted the weights (heavier for some exercises, lighter for others), and i survived the whole thing without passing out or wanting to puke. a part of it is probably due to better breathing control (though i still have a ways to go for that), and it could also be due to when and what i ate today as compared to monday. monday was basically working out on an empty stomach. today, i had some fish and vegetables to provide some energy. i'm making myself believe that it'll get better ("it" referring both to the ease of the workout, as well as my figure) if i stick to the plan and don't go out of control with the food intake. on that topic, i've realized that cutting the same amount of food into more/smaller pieces does fool the brain into feeling full after eating less. i actually feel quite indignant about this. without intending to brag, i think that i'm generally a smart guy. on top of that, my brain's had so much knowledge stuffed into it over 21 years of education(!), you'd think that it wouldn't be fooled so easily! then again, there are things like how we perceive certain combinations of colours, and the placebo effect, which mess with our brains despite our best efforts to overcome them. probably shouldn't feel too bad about it.

still no word from NUS about the status of my thesis. it's been about 7 weeks since submission, which is still under the 2-month period given to the examiners. barely under, but still under regardless. at this point, i'm thinking that i should be applying for jobs. even factoring in my plan to take it easy until the end of the year, i should factor in the companies' response times, so that i can start work early next year or even sooner, depending on the status of my bank account. as you may remember, i had a talk with the learning lab people. they got back to me after reviewing my resume (which they apparently lost the first time i sent it in), and instead of a teaching position, they said that they were thinking of putting me in curriculum development. i'm due to go down to their office tomorrow at 3:00pm for a kind-of interview, i think? or maybe it was a discussion. well...to be honest, the more i look at it, the less i think i want the job. the starting pay, for one, is a little underwhelming, considering i know someone with the same qualifications getting $6000-ish. and parking isn't covered, though i should ask about getting season parking. not only that, they're operating on a one-year contract basis, and if i want to break the contract, i'll have to give them 3 months' notice and pay back a month's salary. maybe it's the industry standard, but i'm a little wary. after all, the annual NUS career fair is usually held in february, so i shouldn't be tied down by a contract if i want to job-hunt there. i did some reading up on glassdoor (a portal where people can submit anonymous reviews of companies), and found that in general, staff are kind of unhappy with the management, for making them feel undervalued. rushing to cover classes, meeting monster kids and parents...all those things sound like stuff i'd rather avoid. well, i'll keep an open mind and go down tomorrow. maybe something will make me take the leap. REMINDER TO SELF: DON'T FEEL PRESSURED OR FALL FOR ANY HARD SALE TACTICS. side note, maybe i should prepare my defence slides too? it feels a bit like counting chickens, since i don't know if i'll pass. but the odds of failure are low enough that it gives me confidence to do it so that i'll be prepared well in advance. maybe in the coming few days.

actually, i was talking to my cousin the other day, when i brought the stuffed rhino over for his daughter. although we're the same age (except for 4 days every year), he's had 7 years of working experience already compared to my 0 or 5, if you count grad studies as "work". that's a con of doing grad studies, going out into the "real world" so much later. he was telling me that he'd recently got a new job offer paying approximately $10000 a month, plus ridiculously good benefits (annual bonuses, family medical plan, free gym with personal trainer, and free parking are those that i can remember). and i was just thinking to myself, 'damn, i might have had all that by now'. of course, it's not fair to say that i deserve the same things as he does; i know that he's worked hard to get to where he currently is. but it shows how significant a time advantage can be. i know it's not a competition, but i really hope the gradient of my progress/time graph will be steeper, so that i can be at an equivalent level in 5 years. $10000 a month would enable me to live very comfortably. i don't have super high expectations/requirements...a house (3-room singles' HDB would be fine, condo would be a bonus), a car (honda civic equivalent is good enough for me), and the occasional purchase (pen, gadget, plane ticket) to give myself a treat. excluding house and car loans, i can probably keep my expenditure under $2000 per month, which means about $7000 (after CPF deductions) for savings and investments. but let's not think too far ahead. currently, i don't have to worry about paying for a house or car, because the house is paid for until i move out, and the car's COE is good till 2022, when i'll turn 34. so i should use these 5 years until i'm eligible for a singles' HDB to really get my bank and CPF accounts looking healthy. the one thing i'm grateful is that i won't have two common money sinks of other singaporeans - namely, a wedding and kids. my cousin was also telling me that the way to get insanely rich was to start a lucrative business, and sell it for millions. he's got a few business ideas, but i'm not sure where i fit into that, or if i even fit in at all. well...that's out of my control. what's within my control is to give myself opportunities to learn, to make mistakes, and eventually to make money, i suppose.

given that i wasn't too smitten with the learning lab, i went to search for scientist/chemist positions. there were the usual big-name companies, pfizer, novartis, merck, GSK, P&G, as well as a few more obscure names that i'd never head of before. seems like the trend now is materials. i've seen job ads asking for analytical chemists, polymer chemists, materials chemists, people with experience in graphene...nothing much for organic/medicinal chemists. makes me wonder if i've picked the wrong professor - twice in a row! well, as someone i know says, a degree isn't so much proof that you're a good student as it is that you're a good learner...or something like that. the point is that a degree-holder should possess the mental agility to learn stuff that's related to their field of study. and that means that i should be able to pick up lab techniques, procedures, and protocols really easily. i figure that i'll apply for some of the jobs, and be honest about my strengths and limitations. i kind of regret not learning cell culture/MTT assay during my grad studies, but then again i don't really like cells. lucky i'm somewhat knowledgeable about HPLC; that seems to be something in relative demand. and i realize that i have to tune my CV for chemistry-related jobs as opposed to tuition jobs. like a tuition agency will not have any interest in the variety of instruments i can operate, a chemical company will likewise not care about how many students' grades i've managed to drag up.

that's it for now, i guess. should really take a notebook around to record all my blogging prompts, because i forget them whenever i'm at the post window. well, nothing that important in my thoughts, i suppose. a few immediate to-do's come to mind - visit the mechanic to get a piece of rubber fitted properly (friday), deliver alcohol (when my senior's free), get my phone screen replaced (over the weekend? call in first), clean my room (whenever), and all that's apart from the gym/swim routine and whatever i've mentioned earlier. it's going to be busy, and i hope i'll be able to keep up!

-random thought of the day: Sleep early!-

By some completely unplanned coincidence, several important events fall on today's date. let's talk about uzbekistan first, though.

this was my second trip there this year alone! i know people who have never been there (nor have the desire to go there) in their lives, so that gives me two up on them? not like it really matters. we didn't have direct flights this time, so we took korean air, and had to transit in korea for 7 hours each way. normally, i'm not a fan of transits, but incheon airport was great! i totally didn't mind getting stuck there. the flights themselves were great, too. for someone whose usual mode of air travel is via budget airlines, getting economy class was already a bonus. just imagine my surprise when we got business class on the last leg back home! watched a few movies over all the flights - ready player one, which i thought was nice, zootopia, which made me cry (probably due to travel fatigue), and some documentaries. listened to some of the on-board music too, and i discovered that koreans are kind of obsessed with classical music. it played before and after flights ("memory" played while we boarded, and "time to say goodbye" was the song as we de-planed), as well as in the airports. even the golf cart-things played an excerpt of classical music to announce its presence and warn people to get out of the way. can't remember what song they used, though, but i did recognize it at that time. on the plane, i discovered a song by the carpenters called "rainy days and mondays". i like it quite a lot, especially the melody of the line that goes "funny but it seems i always wind up here with you". should get it on my phone.

having had more time to interact with the people of uzbekistan, i kind of understand the culture better. as usual, the people there were all really hospitable. and again, the "big brother is watching you" feeling kind of persisted through our entire stay. well, it did for me, at least. i can sense that the organizers and volunteers had good intentions. but unfortunately, i have to be honest - the standard wasn't acceptable for an international competition. actually, the organization of this competition reminded me a lot about some things that are wrong with the SAF. like, there was a constant rush to wait, wait to rush. they'd tell us to be down by a certain time, say 2:00pm SHARP, and when we showed up, they'd tell us "the bus is delayed", or that there was a change in the plan, or that some other thing went wrong. on average, the actual time we moved out differed from the time we were told to assemble by 30 minutes. i wouldn't mind so much if i was on a free and easy tour, but this is an international-level competition. i hope they improve.

for the competition itself, there were issues too. my main issues was with the refereeing - who got to referee how often, and unprofessional behaviour displayed by certain referees. as a guest, it probably wouldn't be right of me to make a ruckus. not to mention my relatively junior referee status. i really believe that if singapore were to focus on training referees and build up a strong referee squad, we would be in the top 5 countries for refereeing. maybe competition organization too, but i'll leave that to the admin side of the federation. on my end, i'll strengthen the technical part and do what i can.

important events on this day. probably should acknowledge the elephant in the room (or in my mind, at least) and say that today is the one-year anniversary of my first breakup. yes, i specified my first breakup in the very likely event that there are more. i'm more or less over it, and i look upon that relationship as more of a learning experience than anything. maybe that's my way of disassociating my feelings from it. i haven't talked to the ex since that day, although we're still connected on facebook. they haven't posted anything there for the past year, so i have no clue how they're doing. not that i'm particularly interested, either. interestingly/weirdly, i sent birthday wishes to their mother in june, who asked how i was doing. it also means that i've been single for a year now. scumbag from june doesn't count because we never got together as a couple, as is the case for malaysian person. it's not all that bad, really. as much as i'd like to say that i've been spending this year getting to know myself better and working on my flaws, the truth is that most of it was taken up by experiments and thesis writing.

but that's changing now! today is also the first day of my healthy lifestyle. went to giant tampines to get a salmon, grapes, and some vegetables (broccoli and cabbage). i figure that if i do want to get fit, it's both the quality and quantity of what i eat. so i'm doing some portion control alongside making better choices of what to put in my body. along with that, today was also my first day back at genesis gym. to tell the plain truth, i just about died. even though the weights i used were much lighter than my last session, i barely made it through the workout. and even after that, i felt kind of dizzy and weak. worse still, i actually crashed and fell asleep for a brief period while resting. perhaps i pushed myself too hard; after all, my last session was slightly more than a year ago. have to remember to eat in advance so that i have energy to burn, yet not too soon that i feel like throwing up. the nice coach gave me some brown sugar, which perked me up instantly. hoping that my next session on wednesday will go better. guess i'll have to push my plan of everyday gym back for a couple of weeks. for now, alternating gym and swimming seems like the way to go.

last thing that happened today - i called up the learning lab people and got some more details about the job. so far, they told me that i will have to work weekends (but i get 2 weekdays off), i may have to go to other centres to cover for other teachers (transport costs not claimable), and i may not be able to teach at my desired level due to student demand/enrollment. i think their biggest hangup with me is my lack of teaching experience in a classroom setting. they did mention that i'd have to deliver a demo lesson in front of their subject head and a HR staff, so that's something i have to prepare for. on my end, i can cope with working on weekends and teaching in a group setting. their starting pay seems a little low, though. they're offering $4000 before CPF, which means a take-home pay of $3320. considering that my take-home was $3200 as a grad student, that's not much of a pay raise. we'll see how things go...i think some negotiations will have to be done. and reminder to self, like relationships, don't settle for someone who is just ok with you.

-random thought of the day: More philosophical topics in the next post...if I could just remember what they were.-

Short/quick post using my phone now, because I doubt I'll have time to blog properly later. This second Malaysia trip was kind of a bust. Malaysian person says that they aren't attracted to me physically, so that was...gutting, to say the least. I asked them, "if I had a hot body, would we be a couple now?", to which they replied "yes" immediately. I can't blame them, exactly, because if the roles were reversed, I might react the same way. But it just makes my faith/hope in people and finding someone decrease ever so slightly.

Looking at it from the flipside, I am probably better off not getting together with such a superficial person, right? Yes, I know most of you will call me out on sour grapes, which I can't completely deny. It doesn't help that I find this Malaysian person attractive, so that makes it a bit harder to let go of. Thankfully, I'm not head-over-heels attracted at this point, and my rationality is still intact. There is still a good chance of us being civil/friendly to each other. We actually had a long talk last night, and we both kind of agreed to adopt the "remain friends for now, and see where fate takes us" mentality. No point forcing a relationship, after all. One party won't be happy.

Rationally, I don't think Malaysian person and I will be the best match. They're irritable when I ask certain questions, and there's a bit of a communication barrier. My hormones are probably controlling a large percentage of my brain function now, so I still want to believe that something can happen.

Putting a positive spin on this, I suppose it can be used as motivation to get in shape. I worry though, that if/when I do get in shape, people will only want to date me for my figure and not for any other attribute. But let's take things a step at a time. Get in shape first, so that I actually have something to worry about in that regard.

Maybe the distance brought about by the upcoming Uzbekistan trip (did I tell you all about that yet? In case I didn't, it's 5 days total, 1.5 of which will be spent flying and in transit. So I'm actually only in the country for 3+ days) will help to give me fresh perspectives, and to lessen the hurt. Have to remind myself that there are more fish in the sea, too. Assuming I meet 10 new people a day on average, I'd only have met 109500 people over my entire lifetime so far. That's hardly a dent even in Singapore's population, let alone the world's. And not all of the people I meet are potential dates, either. So, the odds aren't that great, and there are many more people I haven't discovered yet. Shouldn't be too disheartened by this setback.

Today will be kind of frantic, I think. Have to pack for Uzbekistan, run a few errands, meet some of the chemistry guys for dinner, then head to the airport as the flight is scheduled for 1:10am tomorrow. Best part is, I'm still in jb at the time of publishing this post, and am only going back this afternoon. I know that things will work themselves out eventually, just have to keep the faith and do the best I can.

Do i have time for a long-ish post, considering that i have to pack for malaysia and leave the house in about 90 minutes' time for tuition? hard to say, but i want to blog anyway.

i'm back from jakarta! as if that wasn't obvious enough. it's incredible how such a young federation managed to send TWO people as officials, while more established federations only sent one person. not saying anything more; i think that speaks for itself. the experience was great! they put us up in a super luxurious hotel, which was walking distance from the competition venue. i even got a double room to myself! food was great too, local-influenced international buffet for all 3 meals. think i may have overindulged a little. lesson learnt: exercise more restraint in buffet settings.

of the 8 days i was in jakarta, 3 were spent actually refereeing, 1 was spent getting ready for the competition, 1 was spent preparing for departure and actually leaving the country, which meant that we had 3 days for R&R (including the day we arrived). the odd thing was that R&R was set before the competition, probably due to scheduling constraints. since i knew the area decently enough from the test event, i didn't really have to do much exploring. my R&R days were spent rotting, getting massages, and buying merchandise. MY GOODNESS, the merchandise shop was insane. apparently there are a great number of people who are passionate about such events. i was told that people started queueing at 6:00am when the shop only opened 4 hours later. managed to get one of the few remaining stuffed toys (rhino) for my niece, plus shirts for myself and some people back home. had wanted to get the deer, but they'd sold out. maybe it's for the best that i don't acquire any more stuffed toys; my bed is half-taken up by them already.

refereeing itself was a great learning experience. it seems that some of the older referees are a little...lax, despite the technical meeting that we had. i also noticed that people from a certain part of the world have quite low self-restraint. like, as a referee, they're supposed to be impartial. yet, when people from their country were competing, you'd see them yelling, gesticulating, and just behaving unprofessionally in general. not sure whether it's an education thing or an upbringing thing. you see, the thing that these people have in common is that they're from countries with strong patriarchal systems. so maybe they've been used to acting with impunity from young. or it might just be that they think that their status grants them some sort of immunity. i don't know. just like how the current singapore judo federation referee commissioner is also head coach of a school that competes in the nationals. conflict of interest much? as a result, my opinion of a few people has kind of changed for the worse. not like i held them i super high esteem in the first place anyway. the people whom i respect are still up there in my mind. but that could be subjective too.

you know, i can see myself continuing down this path. not as a regular day job, but more as an occasional thing to bring all-round fulfillment to my life. also partially to stick it to the people currently in power for judo in singapore, but they're already doing a fine job of killing themselves. we've got to plan for the intermediate future, starting with SEA games next year, and the next asian games in 2022. will probably have to sit down with people from our federation to chart out a route.

kind of a short post for a week's worth of stuff, isn't it? that's because i have to run for tuition now. things to add on here include thoughts about living in indonesia (short answer: no), the lengths to which people will go to support their country (short answer: very long), and being treated as a VIP under certain circumstances (short answer: people are kind of superficial). going over to JB to see malaysian person, and spend a couple of nights there. then flying to uzbekistan on tuesday for about 4 days. i know, right!?? so happening. well, airfare, food and lodging are covered, so why not. plus, i'm bringing a strong athlete who's new to kurash. would be great exposure for him, and a bonus if we win something. then, i'll be back to discuss a job offer. the learning lab got in touch, after all. fingers crossed everything works out smoothly!

-random thought of the day: Rushing!-