Quiet/peaceful day today; i think i only spoke to one person in the office. not that that's never happened before, but it was weird because it happened in spite of there being more people in the office than usual. even my usual seat was taken! but i found a spot nearby, so it was all good. also had lunch with gym guy nearby, which was nice. i quite like hanging out with him. he was telling me about recent house viewings and some of his candidate places. none of them have worked out so far, and i hope something suitable for him comes along soon.

since there's only one more day left for june, and i don't think i'll have the energy/mood to blog tomorrow due to gym plans, i'll do a more complete quarterly update now. quarter 2 is from april to june. it was awesome on the work front, in that april and may were my 2 most productive months so far this year. if i kept that pace up for next year, i'd even hit the increased target! good to know that i'm (somewhat) capable of it already. best part, i didn't feel like i was being stretched thin or drowning in the workload. in fact, i'd say i still had some gas left in the tank! the next thing for me to worry about is quality. i've had mistakes flagged out, which is to be expected. but so far i haven't been told that my work is unacceptable, which i'll take as a good sign.

the other aspect of work is tuition. i'm grateful that ACS boy decided not to continue. although the money was great and his parents were very helpful/supportive, the biggest issue lay with the kid himself. i realize i'm much happier teaching my 3 kids at my friend's centre, who are more focused and hardworking. maybe also because they catch concepts more quickly? this is even though i'm paid half the rate as compared to ACS boy, meaning that my effort-to-earnings ratio is actually 6 times lower with my friend. i also told my friend that i'll follow these kids to sec 4 at least, but i don't think i'll continue after that. maybe the occasional relief class or something at the most. nothing regular.

socially, this quarter was good too. i maintained the interaction with crochet guy, met gym guy and the other guy who still needs a codename. also had more gay bar visits than i can remember, went to thailand for the event, and had a good time overall. i'm grateful that it didn't detract from my work, and i'm still able to do all this guilt-free. while that's all fine and good, i think it's wearing my social battery a bit thin. i'm also getting a bit weary of the whole "will i/won't i meet a cute guy and hit it off with him" thing. guess i'll have to be more selective about which nights i go for, to balance me-time and socializing.

fitness wasn't that good, i'm afraid. while i kept up with the gym thing somewhat, i admit that i got lazy more than once. to make it worse, i feel like i'm eating more. adding on to that, i'm not always making the healthiest choice. worst part, it seems to be boredom eating. i need to get a handle on it. call it divine timing or coincidence or whatever, but there was an article on how a guy lost 27kg in 6 months using a mixture of diet and exercise. it was really recent too, like from last october to this april. coincidentally, 27 kg is also around the amount of weight that i need to lose, to get into the "healthy" range. can i do it in the remaining 6 months of this year? well...i figure that i should try. even if i don't succeed, i'll definitely be in a better place than where i'm at right now.

you know the saying, "you can't outrun a bad diet", or " 80% of weight loss happens outside the gym"? more than diet and exercise, i think my lifestyle habits need to change too. sleeping habits come to mind - i'm averaging 7-ish hours, but it's from like 1am to 8am. not ideal. maybe sleeping earlier will help with the snacking impulses/boredom eating...can't eat while i'm asleep!

for this next quarter, i want to focus on work as usual, but also on doing better in terms of health/fitness. starting off with small changes sounds easier and more sustainable. things like, getting out of the house even on work from home days, or being more consistent about counting calories, and mindful about food choices. also, reminder to self that some discomfort is good. hoping that i'll have better news in september!

-random thought of the day: Keep tending that garden!-

The week passed by relatively quickly, i suppose because there wasn't much going on. my mentor was on leave, and she'll be back next monday. i held off submitting cases to her, to avoid her email getting spammed and her timeline getting unnecessarily shortened as well. sent a few cases to my lead instead, who kindly agreed to it. that way, i'm still clocking points for this week, just not as many as my usual. but it's fine. i've got to slow down a touch from now till end-september to avoid triggering promotion early, anyway.

i've got a couple of things on my mind to talk about, and i'm not sure if this will serve as my second quarterly check-in or not. but it's nearing the end of the month anyway. guess i'll tentatively consider this the check-in post, unless i decide to do a more proper one in the remaining 4 days excluding today.

starting with things that happened this week, gym guy came over on wednesday. he'd heard about my struggle(?)/conflict(?)/thing about passion, and he told me it's ok to not have a passion right now. i don't know, seems like slapping a band-aid on an infected wound and leaving it to fester. ok, maybe that's a bit exaggerated. having it on the backburner a little probably won't be too bad for me. we also did...stuff, and i was reminded that i prioritize connection above physical looks. there was a bit of a snag though, in that something we did left me feeling a little out of equilibrium. but we talked about it, and everything's good now. i think that's how a healthy interaction (i'm consciously not using "relationship" because he's partnered) should be. and despite me not being his partner, i'm happy that we get along well, even more so because i can see that he invests in our interaction.

him coming over was motivation to get me out of the house for dinner with him, and to go to the gym after that. it was my first session in about 3 weeks, so i did the routine with lighter weights. should be back up to where i left off next time. also tried inclined treadmill walking for cardio, and reaffirmed that i have no love for it. anyone with interesting cardio ideas?

i don't recall if i ever sat down and seriously read the 7 habits book. reason for yes - i remember "begin with the end in mind". i even recall it being habit #3, but i wouldn't bet money on it. reason for no - i don't remember any of the other 6 habits! you know what, let's try to come up with my version of the remaining 6 habits, just to see how many match. in no particular order:

1. shoulder the blame, share the praise

2. focus on one thing at a time

3. avoid wasting brainpower on trivial things

4. pace yourself

5. be organized

6. keep things simple

looking at them like that, i guess they do make sense? but "habits of highly effective people" is really quite a broad category. let's see what the actual 7 are. we have: 1. be proactive; 2. begin with the end in mind (not #3 after all!); 3. put first things first; 4. think win-win; 5. seek first to understand, then to be understood; 6. synergize; 7. sharpen the saw. i'd say my #5 is similar to the actual #3, but other than that, nothing else seems close. kind of reassuring to know that the actual 7 habits are things that i'm already doing, or trying to do. means that i recognize their importance!

looking at things from a fitness viewpoint, "begin with the end in mind" got me thinking. instead of eating at a deficit for my current weight, why not eat at maintenance for my desired weight? a quick AI calculation says that the difference is between 300-500 calories per day, depending on the level of exercise. seems like same difference to me. damn. and here i was thinking that i'd hit upon some amazing new approach! but it's definitely something to consider, even just as a reframing of perspective.

yesterday, i went down to the gay bar for a new experience. there's this kink which is abbreviated as ABDL. if you don't already know what it means, i bet the phrase "adult baby/diaper lover" won't be in your top 5 or even 10 guesses. from the name alone, i was already like 99.9975% sure that i wouldn't be into it. but in the interest of experiencing new things (and also because one of the bartenders told me a lot of cute guys usually attended), i decided to go down just to take a look. true to the bartender's word, there were some cute guys. unfortunately for me, it seems some people with this kink are more into the mental aspect, which seems to be quite removed from sexy stuff. the mental aspect is about things like age regression, feeling safe/comfortable/protected/cozy, so i'd imagine doing it with someone in that frame of mind is adjacent to child abuse? not my thing. also interestingly, there were quite a lot of straight guys there! seems like this kink doesn't really have much traction in singapore yet, and venues which host it are few. for me personally, i'm not sure if i could be with a partner who has this kink. i mean, apart from the whole baby mentality thing (and associated concerns regarding physical intimacy), some of them also like doing their business in diapers. just hearing about the liquid kind of business was enough to raise my eyebrows...my brain won't even let me think too much about the solid kind. having said that, i'm still happy to befriend them, but that's as far as it's going to go, i think. good to get certainty, although i'm not sure i really needed it in this case!

this post doesn't really feel like a proper check-in, so i guess i'll do one over the weekend or early next week while it's still june. i kind of want to ink up a pen and do some writing. as for what kind, i'm not sure yet. probably something mindless and maybe even nonsensical, since i already do more structured writing here. we'll see!

-random thought of the day: Pink Dot tomorrow! Probably not going.-

Done with my usual saturday routine, and i'm just sitting in front of the computer and resting my legs. this of course, leads to my brain going down several paths/rabbit holes.

spoke with a few colleagues about promotion yesterday. it seems that one of my colleagues did well enough to get a C+ performance grade last year. reading that statement in context of singapore's type-A and "A" (the academic grade) culture, you'd think i'm being sarcastic...but i'm honestly not. a C is the default performance grade for meeting KPI, and anything above that is going beyond. my colleague shared that he hit about 125% last year, which was enough to net him the C+. it kind of made me regret not pushing a little harder last year, especially knowing that my november and december point totals were way lower than typical. but saying that now is easy...i should also remember that that was when i was living in marine parade, settling my flat purchase and renovations, all of which impacted my productivity. i am happy that i at least did enough to hit my KPI for 2025, resulting in a smooth transition to this year. i also took a slightly different strategy of saving a few cases to submit in january, so that it would be easier to hit the promotion goal if i were to use this january to december as the period for assessment. tradeoffs, i guess!

one advantage of this job a few seniors have identified is that results are largely determined by the individual, meaning that it's unlikely that a group effort gone wrong will tank your performance. one senior explained it as "you determine your performance grade based on how hard you work". and while i kind of went with that initially, i'm also starting to see that our performance grade is not 100% within our control. if you thought university would be the last time you heard the phrase "graded on a curve", you'd be wrong! our (and i imagine the same is for many other companies) performance assessment is assessed by ranking everyone in a particular grade on a curve, and only the top X% gets a higher grade. this means that even 150% may not be enough to get a C+ if a whole bunch of people hit 200%. it's exaggerated, but you get the idea. the exact numbers aren't made public, of course, and we can only guess what the cutoffs are based on previous years' results, also assuming people are willing to share! so...let's think. there were 40-ish of us last year (approximately broken down into 20 newbies, 12 in my cohort, and 8 seniors), and 125% was enough to get a C+. this year, there'll be maybe 20 newer newbies, 18 newbies, 10 in my cohort, and 3-4 seniors in the same rank, for a total of 50-ish people. considering that the number of newbies below my cohort has increased, the base is widened, so to speak.

in view of this, it seems that delaying promotion to december would be more beneficial. getting a higher performance grade equals getting a higher bonus and increment next year, which compounds and makes up for the delay in pay raise due to promotion. my colleague says that this route pays off if we stay for more than 6 years in the company. and since i intend for this to be my retirement job, it seems that this is the way to go! if i'm set on initiating the promotion process in december, the 2 likely outcomes are (1) i get promoted after hitting KPI numbers and quality standards, or (2) i don't get promoted because my KPI makes it but my quality doesn't. seems like i have confidence in my ability to hit the numbers, but less so for my quality. that also means that i know what i should work on more.

the same colleague also shared that he'd been moved up to the next level of independence, in that he's now allowed to send reports out without his mentor checking them first. somehow i knew that we (the people in my cohort) would be progressing at different levels, yet because most of us have been hitting our major milestones (completing training, probation) together so far, i'd kind of gotten used to the idea of everyone in my cohort progressing at the same pace. i guess it's another reminder that we are in control of our own rate of progress. i don't want to rush reaching this step, because honestly it's reassuring to have my mentor look through my cases. but at the same time, i'm kind of envious of my colleague! objectively though, i don't think i'm quite ready yet. see, i spent the past 3 days clearing 5 cases with my mentor. most of them went through fine...except one, for which i forgot to do something quite basic. that resulted in my mentor giving me a warning in the system, which i definitely deserved. in my defense, it hasn't happened over the past 6 months at least, and i believe it only happened because i was juggling so many cases at once. well, a senior (like, "veteran of 10 years" kind of senior) once told us that she made a similar mistake in a report she wrote as recently as last year, so i know it's definitely not the end of the world. i still do feel a little bad about it though, but i think i should be able to get over it quickly enough. as a side note, i did some rough calculations and it appears that i'm about 10-15 cases away from reaching that milestone myself! should be able to hit it by september, which would be nice since it would mean i can speed up in time for the december promotion deadline. at the same time, there's a larger risk that my quality will drop. need to mitigate that!

related to my question about passion, more specifically finding passion for a sport/activity, i talked to the guy i had over last night (who also gave me a new collection of uh..."mementos"), and he asked some leading questions to help me figure it out. nothing came out of it, unfortunately, because nothing came to mind. guess i'll need to spend more time figuring it out. interestingly, scary JC friend commented that i looked slimmer when she saw me at the alumni thing this morning. how does she know exactly what i need to hear!? bear in mind, i haven't told her any of this yet, which makes it even more amazing. she also spotted some of the "mementos" on my arms, which then attracted mentor figure's attention when he overheard her asking about them. credit to him, he was open-minded enough not to freak out when i told him i had more all over my body. i'll admit though, as much as i'm into it, even i think the guy went a bit too far. but it's fine...not like people will see them.

seems like i have quite a few things to think about. of course, work-related things should be the priority, as i want to start the promotion process this year. health and fitness stuff too, including finding an activity i'll look forward to doing. hopefully i'll get more insights over the coming days.

-random thought of the day: Things will work out, one way or another.-

Exposure to more people leads to a corresponding exposure to more ideas, perspectives, etc. we can assimilate the ones we agree/identify with into ourselves, and reject the less palatable ones. interestingly, recent conversations (with different, unrelated people) and news have caused me to think a little more deeply about the concept and application of "passion".

the first instance was with the biology phd who i met for dinner, and it relates to passion for my job. let me first preface this by saying that i like my job well enough. but i'm not certain that this is my ikigai. out of the 4 criteria - something i'm passionate about, something i'm good at, something i get paid for, and something the world needs, i'd rate this job as 5/10 for passion, 6.5/10 for ability, 8/10 for salary, and 9/10 for something the world needs (only because the IP framework is already so established worldwide!), totalling 28.5/40 overall. because i only really have one other point of reference, let's do the same for JET. 4/10 for passion, 8.5/10 for ability, 3.5/10 for salary, 9.5/10 for something the world needs = 25.5/40 total. i guess moving to this job counts as an upgrade, then!

i suppose the question is, am i happy to remain here, or do i want to go searching for that 40/40 job? bearing in mind that such a job might not actually exist, in which case i'd have to either suck it up, or create my own 40/40 job. seems like too much effort, if you ask me. like i said before, i'm not unhappy with this job. everything is still within my capability, i'm still finding it new and exciting with many things to learn, and i have an amazing support network in the form of my batchmates, seniors, mentor, and lead. but it's just not something i'm passionate about.

next question - what AM i passionate about? my uncertainty might be tied to this thing called "early specialization". according to a study, it's actually not good to focus on just one area from a young age. granted, that study was for early specialization in sports, but i think it's expandable to a principle of general application. there was recent news about a recently-graduated biology phd from harvard saying how the singapore education system didn't let him pursue biology, and the education system seemed more suitable for grades optimization. in my case, i was privileged to have some talent in science (more so chemistry and physics than biology), and i guess finding chemistry easy made me more interested in it. looking back on it now, i'm not sure whether the interest was "interest to find out more and deepen my knowledge" or "interest to score higher marks for exams". i do know that i am still interested to learn more, as evidenced by a small spark of excitement/intrigue when i start a new case. but would i call it "passion"? i don't know. i suppose i've been lucky in that i've never experienced chemistry burnout. sure, i've burnt out from lab work in grad school, from my time at the accursed IP firm, but those were related more to the demands of the job than to the content itself, and i've never grown to hate or even dislike chemistry. then again, "not dislike" is not the same as "passionate about", is it?

sidetrack: i guess the reason i don't dislike chemistry itself is because i know that the laws of nature are not to blame for my failures in the lab. if a reaction is going to happen, it's going to happen. if someone succeeds at making a compound while another one fails, it's because the successful one did everything right, while the one who failed didn't. sometimes it can be something as minor/stupid as water in the solvent, or a competing reaction not accounted for. in that way, science is fair to everyone, which makes failure a little easier to stomach.

while at the gay bar yesterday, i asked 2 fit-looking guys to recommend me cardio exercises. their advice was to choose a sport or activity that i'm passionate about. there it is again, passion. this is a bit more difficult than for work/academics, i think. a lot of my youth was spent in judo, but even if the political situation there were to be resolved, i don't think i can find it in me to go back to it. part of it is emotional, but the majority of it is physical - my knees, ankles, and other body parts are damaged enough. as i think i've said before, i think the main problem here is inertia. unlike gym guy, i do not look forward to going to the gym. to be fair, i don't dread it either. it's more of a "neutral", but i will say that i feel positive about it after making my way there and working out. but that's the hardest part - finding motivation to go in the first place.

now that i think about it, i've kind of wanted to try gymnastics/acrobatics for a while. maybe calisthenics too. do i think that either of those are going to make me excited enough to go for training no matter what? honestly, probably not. not at this time, at least. but this is me speaking with no actual experience. who knows? maybe something will click after a few sessions. probably a good time to remind myself that i don't need to aim for the top, and that it'll be worth it even if try one session and then decide it's not for me. i actually think that i have a huge handicap, in that i hate to sweat. and here i am, born in tropical singapore. well, this is part of plan "tend the garden" too, actually - finding activities that lead to me living my best life.

guess this serves as half of my second quarterly check-in; i'll leave the more concrete number-crunching to the end of the month, when i have better clarity on my numbers. my mentor is going on leave next week, and i'm thinking if i should just let the cases build up, or pass some to my lead for checking. guess i'll ask him tomorrow. not sure if it's a good thing, but my mentor appears to be asking more questions about my report, as opposed to telling me how to amend it. i've also managed to defend my position a few times, which does give me some confidence. i'm just worried that i'll mistakenly defend an error in judgement and end up sending out a wrong report. need to step up my game, to prevent that!

-random thought of the day: The anime ended so nicely!-

Minor mixed feelings about a piece of news i just got - ACS boy has decided not to continue with me, and will be relying on his tuition centres. i'm like 10% sad because the money was good, but 90% happy/relieved because i no longer have to sacrifice a weekend night, go down to his place, chase him for work, etc....so maybe my feelings aren't that mixed after all. his mother told me that he failed his mid-years by 3 marks, which is kind of depressing (for me, and i'd imagine even more so for him). i mean, it's an improvement, so i'll take some credit there. but it's also below my expectations, and i'll equally take the blame for that. good thing that i didn't factor this extra income into my financial planning!

one thing about the whole exchange i wasn't very happy about was that the kid himself didn't reply to me at all. even though the message i sent him showed as "read" within the same day, i ended up having to reach out to his mother for a response. it's not like i would have been offended or upset at him wanting to stop; i even offered him a lifeline in the form of "it's ok if you don't want to continue, just let me know so i can plan". but nope, still nothing. i guess this is how guys (or maybe people in general) start the ghosting habit. to be fair, his mother did say that she (and maybe others in the family too) came down with COVID last week, so everything ran haywire. even then, i do believe in basic accountability, especially when it's a business dealing. but well, you know the thing about circuses and monkeys. i just hope he learns the lesson in time before he loses a significant person or opportunity because of it.

related to tuition, i had a short conversation with my friend last saturday. seems like the centre will be moving due to demolition and reconstruction of the entire building, and the new venue is a couple of MRT stations further away. good news is that i still have a direct bus from the alumni gathering, just that i have to take the bus for 5 stops further. not a big deal, though the timing will require some adjustment. i also told him that i will finish sec 4 with these kids, but whether i continue (either with these same kids to JC, or take a new class) or not after that is a separate issue. i'm like...85% inclined to "no" at this point. the extra money is nice, but i think that i might want fewer balls to juggle in view of the upcoming increases in workload. he also asked me if i was still interested to help open/invest in a centre as a partner. not sure about that, either. my ideal role would just be to throw money in and let the others take care of the day-to-day running of the place, but something tells me that that's not going to fly.

feeling accomplished on the housekeeping front, because i cleared out one box! one out of like, 7 or 8, but it's still progress! this particular box contained stationery, as well as my academic stuff (school magazines, report books, degree certificates, transcripts, etc.). the downside is that i have no place to put some of the contents at the moment - i need more storage solutions, like a shelf or more metal cabinets. that'll be another ikea trip i guess, possibly after tuition this coming saturday. or maybe i should do magazine racks/holders and plastic boxes/containers on an open rack/trolley/shelf. also reminder to myself that i don't need to keep everything; i can sell things, give them away, or even dispose of them. i kind of have an idea to donate books to the nearby school, but i don't know if they'll be accepted. might also want to do a round of wardrobe culling - there are some things which i haven't worn in literal years, and are there for purely sentimental reasons.

what else is there to talk about? gym guy is asking me to go to thailand next month, and i'm seeing how feasible it is. also decided to exchange some of my rewards points to miles - it was very easy with OCBC, much less so for UOB. worst part is that i have excess UOB points after one round of exchange, but not enough for a second one. well...i'll figure something out. worst case would be letting the points expire, best case would be getting another point-earning credit card and accumulating enough points for another exchange.

what else is on my schedule this week? getting back to the gym, for one. haven't been in 2 weeks due to thailand and the brief bout of illness. i think i might want to re-look what i'm doing in the gym...the ratio of time and effort to benefits/gains feels off. and as much as i'm reluctant to, i might have to introduce a cardio day. considering either inclined treadmill or swimming, although both sound equally bad to me. guess i'll give both a try and see which one i dislike less. and yes, i know the main change should be watching my intake - both in what and how much i eat. bio phd guy asked me out for dinner on wednesday, and we're tentatively going to the fancy unagi place. i'll see if i want to go to the gay bar after that; the night's theme is "sportswear", which isn't very difficult. hopefully meeting the other guy on friday...i realize i don't have a codename for him yet. while i usually try to choose things that stand out to me, my immediate thought for him is something a bit private between us, not to mention M18. have to think of an alternative. as for work, i think i can submit 2 substantial cases this week, which will put me comfortably ahead of the december goal, and probably in good pace for september too. let's hope things continue on this trajectory!

-random thought of the day: Need to re-optimize finances a bit.-

Persisting discomfort made me go see the doctor on monday. went to eunos polyclinic, where i waited for about an hour despite having an appointment. ended up getting seen by another doctor, who diagnosed it as gastric pain, and gave me 2 days' MC. i'm not upset at the wait, exactly...but i think that the efficiency could be improved. more importantly, it's a blessing that my illness isn't serious enough to need immediate attention. unfortunately, the polyclinic is quite a distance from home, needing a bus ride instead of just being a short walk away as was the case in marine parade. guess the plan is to stick to the polyclinic for minor illnesses, but go downstairs to the private clinic for anything that incapacitates me significantly.

thankfully, i'm feeling much better now, although with reduced appetite. also not the worst thing, since i have weight loss goals! gym guy was concerned because his cancer started out as stomach pain, but it seemed to be much more severe than what i experienced. he even came over on tuesday with snacks and stuff, and stayed for dinner (we ate at a nearby coffee shop). so nice of him! to be clear, i know there's no possibility for anything romantic to develop, but i think having him as a friend is awesome as it is. we might be headed to bangkok with another friend of his in july, to be confirmed in the next 2 weeks or so.

there was a company event yesterday, some IP practitioners' gathering/networking session. it necessitated getting dressed up, which was kind of nice only because i don't have to do it every day. the session itself was not bad, got to make small talk with the big boss and it seems we have shared experience of living in japan. he was there for like, 10 years though, so he definitely knows his stuff. maybe this thing in common will make me more memorable to him?

afterwards, i met my guild leader for dinner (she works nearby where we had the event). among several topics, we talked about her journey to get a house (i recommended scary JC friend to her, hope they get in contact soon), as well as some of the weirdos that she's met online. it seems that straight guys are more desperate than i gave them credit for, because some of them sent her unsolicited M18 content of themselves! i was half-jokingly telling her that i wish more guys sent that type of content to me. according to some source, it seems that straight guys do it because they would like to receive such stuff from girls, so they assume the opposite is true as well. doesn't seem to be the case, though! conversely, i think gay guys know that other guys would appreciate it, so they avoid sending that kind of video to other guys. some reverse psychology going on there! oddly, it seems to be mostly singaporean gay guys who think like that. people in other countries (mainly western/westernized, but surprisingly japan too) are usually happy to share.

since i was already dressed up, and the gay bar's theme that night was "office wear, leather, and uniform", i went down to get double stamps on my loyalty card. sadly, the crowd was kind of lukewarm, and i wasn't very familiar with the staff on duty. there was also a decently attractive guy dressed in school uniform, who i felt wasn't quite in possession of all his marbles. like, we were both speaking in english, but i felt like he was on a completely different wavelength. initially i thought it was a language problem, so i switched to chinese/singlish, only for him to tell me that his primary language was english. the icing on this pretty odd cake was that he started singing hokkien/teochew opera out of the blue. not that i'm against appreciating traditional culture/art, just that the time and place didn't quite fit. the attractiveness i'd perceived just kind of evaporated after that, and also because he smokes. well...some nights you win, some nights you don't.

earlier this week, HR sent out some slides about our promotion criteria. chalk up another win for "only complaining brings about results"! the slides raised a few more questions, and i had a chat with my lead to address them today. my original plan was to trigger promotion in december, meaning that i'd end this year with a lower KPI target and hitting the promotion goal would put me at about 125% of my supposed target, meaning that i would be more likely to get a higher performance grade. this is in contrast to triggering promotion in september, where my goal for this year would immediately jump to the promotion target, meaning that meeting it would just get me to 100% and an average/normal performance grade. my lead wants me to aim for september promotion, and his reasoning is that promotion itself is already a form of recognition/reward, plus the additional bonuses that i'll unlock at the next rank should balance out the bonus i get for a higher performance grade. unfortunately, i don't have enough information to run the numbers, so that's a question mark. another thing he said was that even if i stuck to my plan, there would be no guarantee of a higher performance grade because i'd still be assessed against with my peers who'd also be fighting for promotion, and who may outperform me.

let's do some cost-benefit analysis to help me figure out what i should be aiming for.

september promotion pros

- guaranteed to meet this year's basic KPI if i don't get promoted

- should be entitled to added productivity bonus that only unlocks at next rank

- even if i don't make it, i have another chance in december

- getting higher salary earlier (increment upon promotion)

september promotion cons

- guaranteed basic performance grade only, can't get any higher

- more effort required

- may not get the added productivity bonus (something to check with HR)

december promotion pros

- will meet this year's KPI while working at a more leisurely pace

- chance for higher performance grade (higher performance bonus next year)

december promotion cons

- may not get higher performance grade (depending on peers' performance)

- delay in receiving higher salary

- definitely not getting the added productivity bonus this year

- no second chance if i don't make it

it seems that september is the safer route, whereas december is the high risk, high reward path. the worst case scenario is that i don't get promoted in december due to non-KPI issues, because that would delay everything by 6 months or more. best case is that i delay promotion to december, get a good performance grade, and a higher performance bonus next year. next-best is september promotion and getting the productivity bonuses. next-worst is september promotion but not getting the productivity bonuses. no matter which outcome happens, fact is that my KPI next year will be adjusted massively upwards as long as i get promoted. so my thought here is to get as much out if it (monetarily) as possible. while the path ahead is a bit clearer, i think there are a few more things i have to clarify with HR.

have i mentioned i've been following an anime series for the past few months? it's about this gay japanese high school student and his crush on his classmate. most episodes so far were quite light-hearted/funny and sweet, which is the kind of feel-good thing that i think more gay youths need. it seems to me that the main character was purposely written as socially awkward, which a good proportion of teenagers (especially otakus) would identify with quite readily. this is in contrast to the love interest, who is incredibly cute! his name is made up of the kanji for "love" and "precious", which really suits him. it's like the awkward loner crushing on the bright, sunny guy...something which i know all too well.

the anime took a more depressing turn in this week's episode, because the love interest started dating a girl, causing the main character to go through heartbreak. ugly crying, almost-depression kind of heartbreak. as much as i wish it didn't have to happen to anyone, having your heart broken when your crush starts seeing someone else seems to be a canon event for teenagers. especially for gay guys, when the crush turns out to be straight and starts dating a girl. i've gone through it a few times, and the thought i had was 'why can't he be gay, or at least bi?'. forgot when i came to this realization or who/what triggered it, but i realized that i shouldn't be sad about not getting to date a straight guy, because i was never even in the running! it beats being rejected as a girl, because you had a chance, but he didn't think you were good enough or that the both of you were compatible. it became so much easier to deal with feelings for straight guys after that. but yes, it's practically a rite of passage for gay guys, and the main character ended the episode by saying "why am i so depressed? isn't his happiness mine too?". i've learnt the lesson already, but i hope the anime helps people see that if you love someone, you'll want them to be happy regardless of whether it's with you or not. ideally it'd be with you, but you know...it doesn't always go according to your plan. i'm looking forward to the last episode of the season, which should air next week. kind of spoiled myself on wikipedia already, but i know that the main character doesn't confess and they remain friends in the end. that's realistic, i guess, and is just about the best outcome that one can hope for in this situation. excited to see how they animate it!

-random thought of the day: Fix the sleep cycle!-

Stomach cramps sidelined me for most of today, so basically nothing got done. i don't know why they happened either; my best guess is that it was caused by food from a nearby chinese braised food place last night. the effects happened after 12+ hours though, so i don't think that the food was the main reason. whatever it is, it resulted in me sleeping most of the afternoon away to distract myself from the pain. i'm feeling about 55% now, and with some luck, i'll recover enough for work tomorrow. worst case, i can take an MC.

i've been wanting to blog about this for a while, but kept forgetting to. i read that if someone's really good at/on top of something, that thing is probably one of their top 3 priorities. makes sense, when you think about it. like how the guy goes to the gym 6 times a week to stay healthy and reduce the chance of cancer recurring. the message was like, not to be discouraged if you're not as good at something as someone else is, because it could be their priority but not yours. at the same time, i do think it works the other way too. if you want to become good at something, you should make it a priority. something for me to think about, especially in the weight loss and house organization aspects.

a few more heavy thoughts are rattling around in my brain, but they're not organized/substantial enough for me to write about yet. the fact that i'm still not feeling so good (condition improved to 65% after some pho) doesn't help either. guess i'll call it an early night, then see how i feel after waking up tomorrow. i should be able to recover by wednesday for the company event in the afternoon. a small relief is that i'm ahead of my KPI, although i can't rest on my laurels there either. more annoying is that i need to make sure that i don't submit cases too quickly, lest the promotion process is triggered early. there's a whole bunch of considerations there that i don't want to get into now, also i need some confirmation from HR regarding the promotion process in general. might poke them by end-july if nothing is heard by then.

-random thought of the day: Recover faster!-

Operation thailand was a success! for the important things, anyway. i realize that travelling to different countries keeps me on my toes, especially to countries whose language(s) i can't speak. compared to thailand, i still feel more comfortable in japan although it's further away. not being able to speak the native language is quite humbling, as i was reminded on this trip. something for me to bear in mind in the future, when going to japan with friends who are less/non-fluent. thankfully thailand is still kind of easy mode, since i can get by on broken english and gestures. my bonus objective of trying to go cashless didn't work out at all. i realized that i couldn't scan their QR codes, although they were advertised to work with the UOB singapore app. no luck with wise, either. so, i ended up withdrawing about 3700 baht (~SGD 150) from an ATM, paying 330 baht (~SGD13!!) in transaction fees. definitely picked the wrong ATM, or the company who set the ATM up there were counting on people being desperate. but i figure rather than lament over "wasted" money, i can take it as a learning experience. besides, i stayed within my allocated budget, which is (1) a win, and (2) money that i was prepared to spend anyway!

first event was the M18 gathering organized by the gay bar people. it was quite fun, but not as intimate as i would have liked in terms of scale. i guess there was a little too much to see, because i found myself wandering between rooms a lot. made the acquaintance of some cute china and thai guys, plus one singaporean guy who was also there, and who i brought back to my hotel room. our time extended to brunch the next day, and my impression of him is overall positive. he makes me feel warm and fuzzy (big plus), seems interesting and easy to talk to (plus), is tall (minor plus), but seems to be more about the party life including recreational drugs (very big minus), and doesn't appear very emotionally available (small-ish minus). well, maybe something will happen in the future...who knows? but for now, the plan is to get to know him better and see if there's relationship potential.

second event was meeting with jedi master. the last time i met him before this trip was around september or october last year? definitely after the cheating, because i ranted and vented to him about it. how my life has changed in that half-year interval or slightly more! true to what he said, i'm seeing my value more now, because i have evidence. and while i know that the "right" thing to do is to know my worth and not go chasing after guys who aren't interested in me, it seems that i'm also afflicted with the 犯贱 curse that most humans have. that was just one of the several topics we discussed over a nice dinner of japanese food. while i won't go into every single detail, i think the overall theme was that just as the younger generation doesn't understand us, we also don't fully understand the older generation. jedi master is 20 years older than me, and he was telling me about his skin sagging, his voice weakening, etc...things that i cannot imagine happening to myself! and it would be the same if present me told JC-era me about getting depression due to the accursed IP firm, all the injuries i'd accumulated, ways in which my body has betrayed me. jedi master says we're better than the inconsiderate idiots because we're smarter and more empathetic. i'm still not sure if i want to adopt the "better than you" mindset, but i do see how it could come in useful.

one other thing i find admirable about jedi master is how he thinks of his partner. i've mentioned before about how his partner has done so much for him, and how strong their love is. i think it also takes 2 hands to clap. this strong relationship could not have been built if jedi master just kept taking and taking, until it went beyond his partner's ability to give. that kind of describes what happened between the ex and me, now that i think about it. call me petty if you like, but i still can't find it in my heart to wish him (the ex) well. anyway, i think an additional criteria i will look for in a partner now is "appreciative". part of it is acknowledging received kindness(es), but another part that i think will be harder to meet is "reciprocation". something for future me to think about.

back to work tomorrow. i'm doing the smart thing by not turning my work laptop on despite it being beside me right now. i figure there'll be plenty of time to look at emails and such when i'm actually on the clock. kind of excited to see the latest KPI tracker too, as it'll help me plan for june, and the second quarterly check-in. 

-random thought of the day: Would more overseas trips be beneficial?-