Persisting discomfort made me go see the doctor on monday. went to eunos polyclinic, where i waited for about an hour despite having an appointment. ended up getting seen by another doctor, who diagnosed it as gastric pain, and gave me 2 days' MC. i'm not upset at the wait, exactly...but i think that the efficiency could be improved. more importantly, it's a blessing that my illness isn't serious enough to need immediate attention. unfortunately, the polyclinic is quite a distance from home, needing a bus ride instead of just being a short walk away as was the case in marine parade. guess the plan is to stick to the polyclinic for minor illnesses, but go downstairs to the private clinic for anything that incapacitates me significantly.

thankfully, i'm feeling much better now, although with reduced appetite. also not the worst thing, since i have weight loss goals! gym guy was concerned because his cancer started out as stomach pain, but it seemed to be much more severe than what i experienced. he even came over on tuesday with snacks and stuff, and stayed for dinner (we ate at a nearby coffee shop). so nice of him! to be clear, i know there's no possibility for anything romantic to develop, but i think having him as a friend is awesome as it is. we might be headed to bangkok with another friend of his in july, to be confirmed in the next 2 weeks or so.

there was a company event yesterday, some IP practitioners' gathering/networking session. it necessitated getting dressed up, which was kind of nice only because i don't have to do it every day. the session itself was not bad, got to make small talk with the big boss and it seems we have shared experience of living in japan. he was there for like, 10 years though, so he definitely knows his stuff. maybe this thing in common will make me more memorable to him?

afterwards, i met my guild leader for dinner (she works nearby where we had the event). among several topics, we talked about her journey to get a house (i recommended scary JC friend to her, hope they get in contact soon), as well as some of the weirdos that she's met online. it seems that straight guys are more desperate than i gave them credit for, because some of them sent her unsolicited M18 content of themselves! i was half-jokingly telling her that i wish more guys sent that type of content to me. according to some source, it seems that straight guys do it because they would like to receive such stuff from girls, so they assume the opposite is true as well. doesn't seem to be the case, though! conversely, i think gay guys know that other guys would appreciate it, so they avoid sending that kind of video to other guys. some reverse psychology going on there! oddly, it seems to be mostly singaporean gay guys who think like that. people in other countries (mainly western/westernized, but surprisingly japan too) are usually happy to share.

since i was already dressed up, and the gay bar's theme that night was "office wear, leather, and uniform", i went down to get double stamps on my loyalty card. sadly, the crowd was kind of lukewarm, and i wasn't very familiar with the staff on duty. there was also a decently attractive guy dressed in school uniform, who i felt wasn't quite in possession of all his marbles. like, we were both speaking in english, but i felt like he was on a completely different wavelength. initially i thought it was a language problem, so i switched to chinese/singlish, only for him to tell me that his primary language was english. the icing on this pretty odd cake was that he started singing hokkien/teochew opera out of the blue. not that i'm against appreciating traditional culture/art, just that the time and place didn't quite fit. the attractiveness i'd perceived just kind of evaporated after that, and also because he smokes. well...some nights you win, some nights you don't.

earlier this week, HR sent out some slides about our promotion criteria. chalk up another win for "only complaining brings about results"! the slides raised a few more questions, and i had a chat with my lead to address them today. my original plan was to trigger promotion in december, meaning that i'd end this year with a lower KPI target and hitting the promotion goal would put me at about 125% of my supposed target, meaning that i would be more likely to get a higher performance grade. this is in contrast to triggering promotion in september, where my goal for this year would immediately jump to the promotion target, meaning that meeting it would just get me to 100% and an average/normal performance grade. my lead wants me to aim for september promotion, and his reasoning is that promotion itself is already a form of recognition/reward, plus the additional bonuses that i'll unlock at the next rank should balance out the bonus i get for a higher performance grade. unfortunately, i don't have enough information to run the numbers, so that's a question mark. another thing he said was that even if i stuck to my plan, there would be no guarantee of a higher performance grade because i'd still be assessed against with my peers who'd also be fighting for promotion, and who may outperform me.

let's do some cost-benefit analysis to help me figure out what i should be aiming for.

september promotion pros

- guaranteed to meet this year's basic KPI if i don't get promoted

- should be entitled to added productivity bonus that only unlocks at next rank

- even if i don't make it, i have another chance in december

- getting higher salary earlier (increment upon promotion)

september promotion cons

- guaranteed basic performance grade only, can't get any higher

- more effort required

- may not get the added productivity bonus (something to check with HR)

december promotion pros

- will meet this year's KPI while working at a more leisurely pace

- chance for higher performance grade (higher performance bonus next year)

december promotion cons

- may not get higher performance grade (depending on peers' performance)

- delay in receiving higher salary

- definitely not getting the added productivity bonus this year

- no second chance if i don't make it

it seems that september is the safer route, whereas december is the high risk, high reward path. the worst case scenario is that i don't get promoted in december due to non-KPI issues, because that would delay everything by 6 months or more. best case is that i delay promotion to december, get a good performance grade, and a higher performance bonus next year. next-best is september promotion and getting the productivity bonuses. next-worst is september promotion but not getting the productivity bonuses. no matter which outcome happens, fact is that my KPI next year will be adjusted massively upwards as long as i get promoted. so my thought here is to get as much out if it (monetarily) as possible. while the path ahead is a bit clearer, i think there are a few more things i have to clarify with HR.

have i mentioned i've been following an anime series for the past few months? it's about this gay japanese high school student and his crush on his classmate. most episodes so far were quite light-hearted/funny and sweet, which is the kind of feel-good thing that i think more gay youths need. it seems to me that the main character was purposely written as socially awkward, which a good proportion of teenagers (especially otakus) would identify with quite readily. this is in contrast to the love interest, who is incredibly cute! his name is made up of the kanji for "love" and "precious", which really suits him. it's like the awkward loner crushing on the bright, sunny guy...something which i know all too well.

the anime took a more depressing turn in this week's episode, because the love interest started dating a girl, causing the main character to go through heartbreak. ugly crying, almost-depression kind of heartbreak. as much as i wish it didn't have to happen to anyone, having your heart broken when your crush starts seeing someone else seems to be a canon event for teenagers. especially for gay guys, when the crush turns out to be straight and starts dating a girl. i've gone through it a few times, and the thought i had was 'why can't he be gay, or at least bi?'. forgot when i came to this realization or who/what triggered it, but i realized that i shouldn't be sad about not getting to date a straight guy, because i was never even in the running! it beats being rejected as a girl, because you had a chance, but he didn't think you were good enough or that the both of you were compatible. it became so much easier to deal with feelings for straight guys after that. but yes, it's practically a rite of passage for gay guys, and the main character ended the episode by saying "why am i so depressed? isn't his happiness mine too?". i've learnt the lesson already, but i hope the anime helps people see that if you love someone, you'll want them to be happy regardless of whether it's with you or not. ideally it'd be with you, but you know...it doesn't always go according to your plan. i'm looking forward to the last episode of the season, which should air next week. kind of spoiled myself on wikipedia already, but i know that the main character doesn't confess and they remain friends in the end. that's realistic, i guess, and is just about the best outcome that one can hope for in this situation. excited to see how they animate it!

-random thought of the day: Fix the sleep cycle!-