Exposure to more people leads to a corresponding exposure to more ideas, perspectives, etc. we can assimilate the ones we agree/identify with into ourselves, and reject the less palatable ones. interestingly, recent conversations (with different, unrelated people) and news have caused me to think a little more deeply about the concept and application of "passion".

the first instance was with the biology phd who i met for dinner, and it relates to passion for my job. let me first preface this by saying that i like my job well enough. but i'm not certain that this is my ikigai. out of the 4 criteria - something i'm passionate about, something i'm good at, something i get paid for, and something the world needs, i'd rate this job as 5/10 for passion, 6.5/10 for ability, 8/10 for salary, and 9/10 for something the world needs (only because the IP framework is already so established worldwide!), totalling 28.5/40 overall. because i only really have one other point of reference, let's do the same for JET. 4/10 for passion, 8.5/10 for ability, 3.5/10 for salary, 9.5/10 for something the world needs = 25.5/40 total. i guess moving to this job counts as an upgrade, then!

i suppose the question is, am i happy to remain here, or do i want to go searching for that 40/40 job? bearing in mind that such a job might not actually exist, in which case i'd have to either suck it up, or create my own 40/40 job. seems like too much effort, if you ask me. like i said before, i'm not unhappy with this job. everything is still within my capability, i'm still finding it new and exciting with many things to learn, and i have an amazing support network in the form of my batchmates, seniors, mentor, and lead. but it's just not something i'm passionate about.

next question - what AM i passionate about? my uncertainty might be tied to this thing called "early specialization". according to a study, it's actually not good to focus on just one area from a young age. granted, that study was for early specialization in sports, but i think it's expandable to a principle of general application. there was recent news about a recently-graduated biology phd from harvard saying how the singapore education system didn't let him pursue biology, and the education system seemed more suitable for grades optimization. in my case, i was privileged to have some talent in science (more so chemistry and physics than biology), and i guess finding chemistry easy made me more interested in it. looking back on it now, i'm not sure whether the interest was "interest to find out more and deepen my knowledge" or "interest to score higher marks for exams". i do know that i am still interested to learn more, as evidenced by a small spark of excitement/intrigue when i start a new case. but would i call it "passion"? i don't know. i suppose i've been lucky in that i've never experienced chemistry burnout. sure, i've burnt out from lab work in grad school, from my time at the accursed IP firm, but those were related more to the demands of the job than to the content itself, and i've never grown to hate or even dislike chemistry. then again, "not dislike" is not the same as "passionate about", is it?

sidetrack: i guess the reason i don't dislike chemistry itself is because i know that the laws of nature are not to blame for my failures in the lab. if a reaction is going to happen, it's going to happen. if someone succeeds at making a compound while another one fails, it's because the successful one did everything right, while the one who failed didn't. sometimes it can be something as minor/stupid as water in the solvent, or a competing reaction not accounted for. in that way, science is fair to everyone, which makes failure a little easier to stomach.

while at the gay bar yesterday, i asked 2 fit-looking guys to recommend me cardio exercises. their advice was to choose a sport or activity that i'm passionate about. there it is again, passion. this is a bit more difficult than for work/academics, i think. a lot of my youth was spent in judo, but even if the political situation there were to be resolved, i don't think i can find it in me to go back to it. part of it is emotional, but the majority of it is physical - my knees, ankles, and other body parts are damaged enough. as i think i've said before, i think the main problem here is inertia. unlike gym guy, i do not look forward to going to the gym. to be fair, i don't dread it either. it's more of a "neutral", but i will say that i feel positive about it after making my way there and working out. but that's the hardest part - finding motivation to go in the first place.

now that i think about it, i've kind of wanted to try gymnastics/acrobatics for a while. maybe calisthenics too. do i think that either of those are going to make me excited enough to go for training no matter what? honestly, probably not. not at this time, at least. but this is me speaking with no actual experience. who knows? maybe something will click after a few sessions. probably a good time to remind myself that i don't need to aim for the top, and that it'll be worth it even if try one session and then decide it's not for me. i actually think that i have a huge handicap, in that i hate to sweat. and here i am, born in tropical singapore. well, this is part of plan "tend the garden" too, actually - finding activities that lead to me living my best life.

guess this serves as half of my second quarterly check-in; i'll leave the more concrete number-crunching to the end of the month, when i have better clarity on my numbers. my mentor is going on leave next week, and i'm thinking if i should just let the cases build up, or pass some to my lead for checking. guess i'll ask him tomorrow. not sure if it's a good thing, but my mentor appears to be asking more questions about my report, as opposed to telling me how to amend it. i've also managed to defend my position a few times, which does give me some confidence. i'm just worried that i'll mistakenly defend an error in judgement and end up sending out a wrong report. need to step up my game, to prevent that!

-random thought of the day: The anime ended so nicely!-