Now that the deadline for thesis is just 2+ days away, my mindset is gradually shifting to "screw it" mode. similar to 5 minutes before the exam, when you realize that nothing more is going to sink in, so you close your book and wish the door would open faster. if all goes well, i should be able to print it by tuesday, making extremely good time for submission on wednesday. almost makes me want to submit it early and go down to watch the nationals. but i have japanese tutorial in the afternoon, which i can't change now...so that's not likely.

somehow, i had guessed that the bioinorganic lecturer would schedule a test on april 8, which was one of the days i was trying to make free for refereeing. looks like that's not going to work out as well. so, i'm currently scheduled to referee for 3 days...this friday, next tuesday and wednesday. although i know that it's not really possible, i'm still occasionally thinking of ways to squeeze a few more days in. maybe i'd better list each day, and convince myself why i can't make it.

wednesday: thesis submission plus japanese tutorial.
thursday: 6 hours of lectures from 2:00pm to 8:00pm, all of which i can't afford to miss.
monday: bioinorganic test. while i could ask for an excuse and a make-up test, it would be extremely troublesome to reschedule.

so, 3 out of the 6 days is the best that i can manage. i guess the best i can do is join the kids for post-competition stuff, like dinner or something. but we'll see closer to the date.

this past thursday, i went to my friend's place to plan our grad trip. after that session, i'm actually more reluctant to go. somehow, i don't think i can survive the length of the trip with them, not to mention i've got basically zero interest in korea and taiwan. my ideal grad trip would probably be a month in japan, fact that it would blow my bank account apart be damned. only slight downer is that it's summer in that part of the world now. i was really hoping to go at a cooler time. but well...make do, yes? think i'll sit on the decision until after poster.

i haven't been keeping track of the weeks this semester, and to my surprise, it's week 11 already. just 2 more weeks of lessons, one recess week, and 3 finals spread over 2 weeks separate me from summer. can't wait for it all to be over.

-random thought of the day: Why's it been so hot recently!?-

Been writing a lot over the last 24 hours, and yet, i somehow can still find it in me to blog. really wonder how. perhaps i need to get rid of the stress from writing my thesis. well honestly, it hasn't been that stressful. just extremely tedious. still have to do the spectra (yes, i KNOW they were supposed to be done this past weekend), and references. other than that, i think i'm pretty much good to go, actually. unless my professor finds something wrong, of course. crossing my fingers that everything goes smoothly. of course, if there really WAS anything wrong, i'd rather my professor pick up on it, as opposed to the examiners.

this past saturday, i skipped group meeting (yes, i know, bad karma) to go for SJI/CJC training. but it's the last training session i can attend before the nationals! the kids seem to be in good shape, and all i can do is hope for the best for them. i'm a little worried that favourite SJI boy is a bit too fixated on winning. while it's good to be competitive and want to challenge yourself, i think he may be going a bit too far. but then again, me thinking that way may also be why i've never won a competition. whatever the case, i hope he'll be happy with his performance.

while the kids seem ok, i was not. my right knee popped again while sparring with one of the stronger SJI kids. must learn to stop relying on power, especially when the kids are getting stronger each day. the last three days were the worst of it i think...now i have almost normal range of motion, except that i can't bend my knee too far back. though i haven't tried it yet, i have a feeling that seiza (japanese style of kneel-sitting) will be a challenge. with any luck, it'll be ok by this weekend. my left middle finger, which had been healing nicely up till then, got a bit re-sprained too. it's almost back to pre-training state, so i hope that it'll get better by this week as well.

on sunday, i had a half-day refereeing assignment for the team judo championships. i'm used to competitions overrunning, so it was a pleasant surprise when the competition ended early after only about 2 hours and 30 minutes. i took the chance to speak to the referee director about possible issues with my refereeing (refer to a post dated about a month ago for the background info). fortunately, he seemed to think that i was doing ok. the only feedback he had for me was that my scoring gestures were kind of lazy/laid back. according to him, i have to make them sharper and bigger to show the impact of the score. i guess that's more for the spectators' enjoyment, too. i think he was trying to encourage me when he said that i'm on the way to getting promoted to A referee, probably by the end of the year. i don't want to believe it just yet, because i'll be setting myself up for disappointment if something goes wrong between then and now. still...can't help but feel happy/excited. if things go the way they appear to be going, it seems possible that i'll go for second dan next year, and maybe IJF continental referee in 2015, just before the SEA games in singapore. sounds like a plan, right?

national schools judo is next week! i saw the bout lists already, and i roughly know which days are going to be horrible to referee. actually, it's mainly the days of the individuals event. somehow, my schedule is such that i'll probably be refereeing for all of those days. but well, it's fun. as usual, my goal is to referee fairly. not like i can influence the outcome in CJC's or SJI's favour anyway, since i'm not allowed to referee for their matches. second goal is to not give anyone an opportunity to attack me. sounds easier than it is, actually.

the upcoming days look ok-ish. due to friday being good friday, i have a long day on thursday since japanese tutorial got pushed forward. oh! and i just remembered that i'm supposed to meet a few JC classmates to discuss our grad trip plans. tomorrow's pretty relaxed in comparison, just 2 official classes and maybe meeting my professor again if he reads my thesis quickly enough. for now, i think i've been staring at the computer for too long (almost 13 hours), so i'm going to go rest my eyes.

-random thought of the day: Where did I put my passport!??-

First draft of the thesis has been sent to my professor. i'm actually expecting a bomb in my email in the next few days. but i'll deal with that when it happens. right now, i have to focus on writing the supporting information, and translate about 21 NMR spectra into words and numbers. hopefully that can be done by this weekend...depending on how i plan my time. 10-11 spectra a day (7 if i start tomorrow) seems reasonable. the past few days were basically writing, writing, and more writing. maybe i've been in too close contact with my thesis, so much so that i don't really see any way to improve it. my professor should be able to put a new perspective on things.

met up with the chem kids today for dinner at holland v's breko cafe. was late due to japanese, but about half of the people already there hadn't received their food yet. so, made pretty good time, i guess. dinner was nice...food-wise, and getting to talk to everyone again. like i said before, since i don't take the module that most of them do, i've barely seen most of them this semester. planned to go for ice cream after that, but the place was closing up. and i was looking forward to a dose of mint chip, too! so sad. guess we sat and chatted for a little too long. well, i'm sure other opportunities will present themselves.

this weekend is probably going to be not-free. going for SJI/CJC training on saturday (their last saturday training before nationals), along with the appreciation dinner for the kata competition participants later at night. sunday afternoon will be spent on refereeing at bedok, which leaves me a bit of saturday afternoon and sunday morning/night to get the spectra done. now do you see why i have to plan my time well?

-random thought of the day: Settle the poster printing company quickly!-

Japan, iran, korea. japan, iran, korea. that's pretty much how most of the kata competition went. as expected, japan swept the golds. i was quite surprised that iran swept the silvers. i'd heard they were good, but not THAT good. if memory serves, 3 judges gave my partner and i a total score of 390 (average 130), compared to japan's 453 (average 151) or so. that means on average, each judge deducted 21 more points from us than from japan, which is the equivalent of 4 big mistakes and 1 small mistake (or 7 medium mistakes). if i'm correct, the maximum score per judge is 180, which means the so-called passing mark (50%) is 270. but just passing isn't good enough. have to aim higher and higher. i feel mildly bummed about this result, because nobody likes to come in last place in a contest. but given our opponents' standard, and the fact that both my partner and i made mistakes, it was kind of expected. besides, someone HAS to be last. that's how competition works, after all.

for our first competition, i guess the result is expected. favourite SJI boy came down to watch, and said that he saw a vast difference between our kata and iran's (they went right before us). in general, they did it more smoothly. think we need WAY more practice, and more importantly, to find out where we went wrong. the first can be arranged for easily, but the second...not so much. you see, the problem is that we have too little people who know enough about the various kata to actually teach the correct thing. as unbelievable as it sounds, the people who competed today are pretty much singapore's "experts" (notice the quotation marks) for their respective kata. if there are others, i do not know them, and i apologize for my ignorance. but working on the assumption that we are indeed singapore's best, that means we'll most likely be the ones teaching others who want to pick kata up...unless the others go to japan to learn directly from the masters. i can't speak for everyone and their speciality katas, but i know that i for one am in no way ready or qualified to teach katame no kata. what my partner said is true. we need a clear set of guidelines to follow. personally, i'd appreciate knowing what the judges look out for when they judge us, so we can avoid showing them things that they don't want to see. and there's another issue, specific to katame no kata, which is that there is no fixed criteria for escaping the holds. as far as i know, we must show "any 3 escape techniques". not exactly very specific there. but at the same time, i'm sure that there are things that the judges do spot and penalize...things like not bridging sufficiently, or not grabbing the belt, or simply not looking realistic enough. these are just my guesses. i really want to know what exactly these things are, and what penalties they carry! or maybe there's a feeling you're supposed to get when watching a pair perform, and that's how you know whether they're good or not. i really don't know.

something interesting happened as i was warming up earlier today. previously, my partner and i discovered that i take a very long time to warm up in the mornings. the first warm-up today took a while, but since my event was later in the day, i had to warm up again after that. the second time was much faster, and i found that i was able to easily do some of the moves with which i had trouble previously...like rolling back onto my left shoulder so that my toes touch the ground. while a part of me wants to believe that i got vastly better in about 5 minutes, the more logical side says that it was due to the adrenaline at that time. amazing what the human body is capable of doing when properly motivated. although now that it's over, i'm aching in my chest and back. should be good as new in a few days.

now that the competition is over, back to more important things at hand. like honours thesis and poster. deadline's in 17 days for thesis, and 25 days for poster (it got pushed back a week). so...i'm going to go into thesis-writing mode. have to get my mentor to email me everything he has, combine it with my own data, and churn something out. with any luck, first draft will be out by middle of this week, second draft by middle of next week, and final draft a couple of days before the deadline. we're talking super super best case scenario here. it actually looks quite daunting! have to split the workload i guess. so here's my plan. experimental section by monday, supporting information by tuesday (assuming my mentor sent me everything)...if not, tuesday will be spent on discussion and digging for references. wednesday will be more of the same, and hopefully i can send a rough draft to my professor. then we'll see what he says, and work from there. really really hoping things work out in the end.

-random thought of the day: Focus on important things.-

Profanity is something i try to avoid in normal blog posts. note: "profanity" here doesn't include milder words like "damn" or "hell". given that i'm representing singapore tomorrow, i think that's fair enough cause to break that rule, and admit that at this stage, i'm shitting bricks. in the span of the last 2 days, my partner and i have had 3 more sessions of kata practice, and i think we're as ready as we can be. luckily, we found out a few things during morning training today, one of which is that i need a long time to warm up to be sufficiently flexible to roll back such that my toes touch the floor. sounds confusing, i know, but unless you've seen the kata, you probably won't get anything i'm saying in reference to it. and we also found out my partner's performance crashes when he's tired. he somehow managed to kick me in the head when going for a cross armlock. first time it happened in our few months of practice! while i don't think it will lead to a concussion, you'll know what happened if i don't wake up tomorrow *touch wood*. thankfully, my sprained finger has been behaving itself, as long as i remember to stretch it out frequently.

not sure if this is good or bad news, but the katame no kata team from laos withdrew. this means that there are only 4 teams: japan, iran, singapore, korea. while the chances of a medal have gone up (only need to beat 1 team instead of 2), the chance of getting last place has also correspondingly risen. the order of the countries above is also coincidentally (not!) the sequence in which we'll be performing. on the bright side, we're not right after japan, so the difference in level is less obvious. then again, iran isn't that weak either. well, i think it's a good draw. anything putting distance between us and japan is a good draw, actually. now, have to turn inwards and focus on our own performance.

this next part will not make much sense to most people, since i'm going to remind myself what are the key points to watch out for in the kata. so, if you're not all that into judo, or happen to be one of our competitors, feel free to skip this part.

1-1-1: turn inwards, right hand pull down, left hand grab right wrist, turn out. try again.
1-1-2: turn back in, hands on belt, push hips down, kick leg.
1-1-3: grab belt, bridge. try again.

1-2-1: turn in, left palm on right fist, elbow down. try 2 or 3 times.
1-2-2: left hand on belt, push out, insert knee between bodies.
1-2-3: backward roll onto left shoulder, toes touch mat.

1-3-1: hands hold each other's elbows, turn right, then turn stronger to the left.
1-3-2: left hand insert into space at neck, turn to right and push.
1-3-3: push shoulders up, move down, back roll as high as possible.

1-4-1: push shoulder with both hands, try to hook head with leg, move diagonally left-back.
1-4-2: half-hold belt, insert knee in between bodies, kick leg out.
1-4-3: grab belt, bridge right. try again.

1-5-1: push up with both hands, slight bridge.
1-5-2: similar to 1-3-2, but turn in and kick leg.
1-5-3: grab belt, bridge left. try again.

2-1: squeeze elbows in, bridge directly overhead, tap
2-2: pull arm down twice, tap with foot.
2-3: pull arm down twice, tap with foot.
2-4: pull own arm down twice, tap with foot.
2-5: turn to right, push away, gets tightened, tap.

3-1: grab right collar with left hand, tap.
3-2: grab left collar with right hand, turn to be in line, tap.
3-3: grab high right collar with left hand, tap.
3-4: breakfall, resist, tap.
3-5: step forward with right foot, resist, pull in, breakfall, resist, tap.

sounds manageable, especially as the whole thing was typed from memory. while there are many other things i'd like to blog about, like discovering how being alone helps me recharge, i find that i'm running short of time. there are like 7 hours between now and when i have to be at toa payoh sports hall tomorrow. going to iron my gi, then sleep.

-random thought of the day: Ti Gong bo bi ah!-

All my mid-terms are over, which leaves me feeling quite relieved. bioinorganic was doable, but i got trolled by amino acids again. can never seem to remember their structures. but anyway, i don't think i'll do too badly relative to the rest of the class...at least i hope i won't. japanese was, as usual, difficult. i think the lecturers overestimate us. thankfully, it wasn't as bad as last semester's japanese 3 mid-term, which was ridiculously bad. oddly enough, i think i'll score badly (or at least worse than usual) for this mid-term. reason being that all the tiny mistakes will come together and trip me up. hoping that a 70% is achievable. if not, at least let me be above the class average. that's not too much to ask for, right?

spent the whole of tuesday on my asymmetric presentation, and sent it to my professor. his reply amazed me. for once, he said that my powerpoint was ok, and that i just had to be mindful of the time limit. if you'd seen how he tore my previous powerpoints apart, you'd be surprised too. actually, i think he just focused on the layout. since he's marking us, he can't really tell us if there's anything wrong with the content. i'm sure that there are a few things i've missed out, or represented not-correctly, so i think i'll look through it again over the weekend.

in view of the kata competition this coming sunday(!), my partner and i trained on monday and wednesday, and are scheduled for another 2 sessions tomorrow and saturday. the sprained finger is kind of bipolar...it hurts occasionally out of training, but behaves when i'm on the mats. wish it would heal faster. also, my partner applied a choke too hard, resulting in me having some discomfort when swallowing up till now. minor issue, but i still feel a little annoyed by it. you know, i think it was only after seeing a facebook post last night that the full gravity of the situation hit me. it wasn't even a serious post or anything. ok, it was serious, but in the "formal" sense, not in the "we have to talk" sense. basically, the post just listed the singaporean competitors and the category of kata each pair was under. to see your name up there is really quite intimidating...at least it was for me. feeling slightly nervous as a result. if there's one motivation to train hard this time round (glory for the country aside), it's the medals. they're nice and heavy, and i'd really like one. as weird as it sounds, i prefer the silver over the gold. besides, we all know japan will most likely bag first place. there's still hope for second (slim as it may be). but as i've said before, my only goal is not to come in last. a medal would just be a really nice bonus.

going to school for a short conversation tutorial tomorrow, then heading down to the federation to hang out and get some practice in. the story will probably be similar over the weekend, except there's the competition on sunday. have to prepare as much/well as i can, and have faith that things out of my control will take care of themselves. p.s. if anyone's interested to come watch, it's at toa payoh sports hall.

-random thought of the day: Where did my thumb drive go?-

The first of my mid-terms (asymmetric) is over and done with. my professor wasn't kidding when he said he set an easy paper. optimistically, i'm looking at (close to) full marks. so that wasn't so bad. with any luck, the bioinorganic mid-term will be of a similar standard. i'd hope for japanese as well, but i know that'd be asking for too much.

and speaking of bioinorganic, it's this coming monday. i was supposed to study today, but got an SMS from the federation president to go down to help apply for visas again. sad thing is when i went down, he told me that the job had been done already...meaning that i went down for nothing. i'm happy to go down and hang out, but that's only when i'm free, or have business there. i don't mind sacrificing some personal time, provided that there's something useful for me to do! but in this case, all i did was half listen to the meeting, and half try to study (lucky i had foresight to bring my notes). in the end, it probably didn't do any good at all. even though the professor kind of hinted at what to study, i can't seem to force it into my head right now. that's why i'm blogging now...to free up some space.

yesterday, i visited BPS judo upon the coach's invitation. it's very different from the environment at CJC/SJI. everyone's more relaxed and friendly, and the atmosphere is livelier. and yet, the discipline is there! i like the coaching style, too. guess that visiting more clubs and observing their training sessions will help to refine my own coaching style. pick the best of each, after all. i enjoyed myself there, and helped to teach the kids some of the grading syllabus. one bad thing happened, though. my left middle finger got sprained while i was sparring with this sec 5 kid. he tried to break my grip, and i heard a crack. so right now, the joint is swollen, and it hurts when i try to make a fist, stretch my fingers out completely flat, or push it towards my index finger. what sucks is that sprains generally take over a week to heal...and the kata competition is just 8 days away. the chances of the injury healing up completely before the competition is extremely slim, and only made lesser by the fact that i'm scheduled for at least one more training session in the coming week. i have to admit, it's probably my fault for agreeing to spar. should have declined to reduce the risk of injury. anyway, hope it won't hamper my performance significantly.

after BPS, i had kata practice at SJF. not sure why, but it seems that i'm deproving. and according to an observer, our kata is bad. the more specific feedback was that i don't seem to know what's going on, and the escapes look jumbled/messy. i don't know...my personal opinion is that we're ok-ish. though there's definitely room for improvement, i wouldn't go as far as to say we suck. but since i'm evaluating myself, i may be biased. while it doesn't feel good to hear that so close to the competition date, i'd prefer to hear that we're doing worse than we actually are, as opposed to better. more drive to improve.

so...next week looks busy. bioinorganic mid-term on monday, japanese mid-term on thursday (i haven't even started studying), project presentation is 2 thursdays away (i'm the third person in class to present), which means that i have to finish my slides by...the coming friday, so that i have some time to edit them after getting feedback from my professor. with the kata competition this coming weekend, i really don't know if that's possible or not. still, i can try.

-random thought of the day: Tomorrow will be 100% devoted to study.-

Since this morning, i've been feeling horribly empty. it's a bit hard to describe, but to put it as simply as i can, it's like there's not much meaning to life any more. not that i'm about to jump off a bridge or anything; the thought of a painful death (or worse, a painful failed attempt at death) terrifies me enough. another way of saying it would be that i'm lonely, i guess. can't remember when or where i heard something about loneliness being painful. i think i'm getting close to that stage. even though i have great friends, it's not the same. by the way, one does not have to be alone to be lonely.

my feelings aside, the mid-terms are approaching, along with the kata competition. asymmetric is scheduled for tomorrow. my professor says it's an easy paper, and i don't doubt that he means it. i do, however, question the definition of "easy". what may come naturally to a man of his brilliance may not necessarily be understood by us with the same ease. but well, i figure that since it's open-notes, and set by my professor, i can't do TOO badly, right?

every time i get a piece of japanese homework back, i get more and more discouraged. because no matter how much i check and double check, no matter how well i think i wrote, there will always be small, annoying mistakes. admittedly, i seem to be doing relatively better than most people in class, but are a few full-mark assignments really too much to ask for? and i think we're being marked quite harshly...like we're being penalized for not knowing things we haven't learnt yet. admittedly, with our limited vocabulary, we can't express everything accurately, so by right, what we wrote is wrong. i don't know, i feel that the lecturer is being overly strict. worse is that he treats us like kids. from the way he talks, i sometimes feel like i'm back in primary school.

since i have a mid-term tomorrow, i'll probably go to school early and study in the library. after that, have to do a final check on my japanese reflection essay before printing it out for submission. i don't expect to not make any mistakes for this assignment (since it's 2 pages long, and i've made many errors on much shorter pieces), but it never hurts to hope, i guess?

-random thought of the day: Stop worrying about people who don't deserve it!-

With each passing day, i'm losing more motivation to study. there just seems to be so many things on the horizon, and most of them are approaching fast. just makes me want to bury my head in the metaphorical sand until they all pass by. but i know that if i do that, i'll have killed my own chance at second-upper honours. have to take things as they come, i know. this time, i just wonder if i can pull off another series of miracles.

though this past week was recess week, i didn't get much studying or lab work done. instead, i mainly focused on my japanese homework and various projects. got most of the japanese stuff done; just have to hand-write the letter once more, bearing the space limitations in mind. finished drawing the reaction scheme for another reaction in the asymmetric presentation, leaving me with 3 more reactions and inserting the relevant data. mid-terms-wise, i realized that i got the dates horribly mixed up...which is actually a relief. my impression was that asymmetric was on the coming monday, and japanese was together with bioinorganic on the thurdsay after next. turns out that actually, asymmetric is this thursday, bioinorganic is on the monday after, and japanese on the thursday of the same week. things are nice and spread-out, which means that by right, i should manage them better. BY RIGHT.

mid-terms aside, there are also the 2 projects - asymmetric, and honours. at this point, i really don't know which one worries me more. honours is bigger (in terms of weightage), but it's also further away. the main reason i'm worried for asymmetric is because i don't know when i'm scheduled to present. i'm ok if it's sometime in week 9 or 10, but presenting in week 8 (after the coming week) would be kind of disastrous. or actually it might still be ok, provided i'm informed early. as for the honours presentation, we're about a month out from the thesis submission deadline. should quickly wrap up lab work, then focus on writing.

outside of school, the main worry is the kata competition, which is in about 2 weeks. now that i can remember most of the moves (subject to performance anxiety), i feel decently prepared. not quite sure what's the latest news about who's competing. last i heard, there were 6 teams, which means no preliminaries. assuming that that information is still accurate, i think a top 4 finish isn't too much to ask for. then again, i don't really know the standards of the other teams (except japan - they're practically guaranteed champions)...so maybe a medal placement might be possible? really don't know, but i can hope. something to justify the effort would be nice, and may be a stronger bargaining point if i have to defend my poor academics (touch wood, but just in case).

been feeling a bit lonely again. must be those japanese romance dramas. yes, i know it's my fault for watching the damned things in the first place...but i can't help it sometimes. and now that i'm seeing friends around my age getting engaged, i wonder (1) why they're getting engaged so early, and (2) if i'll find someone before i turn 30. not that i'm doubting the quality of any of my friends' relationships, but i just wonder how they know so quickly that the person they're seeing is the one for them. maybe that's why i haven't found anyone yet...wanting to hold on for the 100% right person. of course, i must admit that i haven't been looking very hard, and that probably is a more significant reason. perhaps i should wait until going to japan. i guess now would be a good time to admit that i'm oddly attracted to japanese people. but moving on, i'm sure this lonely feeling will fade into the background once i'm overwhelmed by the various other things coming at me.

-random thought of the day: Where's my motivation gone!!??-