Almost lost my glasses today. it wouldn't be so bad if not for the fact that i was at home all day, and that most of the day so far was spent in bed, to boot! so here's the concise version of what happened: i came home late last night, and went to sleep, leaving my glasses in their usual corner of my bed. woke up this morning, and saw them there. got out of bed for lunch without bothering to put them on. rotted some more, and found that they were missing when i decided to freshen up. after a few minutes of panicked searching, i found them in the gap between my bed and the wall. the weird thing is that my glasses are normally placed at the corner away from the wall, so i have no idea how they travelled the breadth of my bed to end up down there. but well, they've been found, so i guess that's all that matters.

had dinner and drinks with my friend, his girlfriend, and their friends-who-later-became-my friends. they got to know each other while studying together in SMU when we were undergrads, and being in NUS, i didn't have the opportunity to meet them back then. i only got acquainted with some of them as recently as last week, when we had a celebration for my friend's birthday. they're all pretty nice people, and despite us only meeting twice, there's one of them whom i kind of like more than normal. not in the romantic sense, just that i think we could end up as very good friends, considering we share one major thing in common.

anyway. it was at holland v, so i went down after lab. finding parking there around 7:30pm is a real pain. in any given car park, i'm usually able to find parking within 3 minutes, even if the lot is poorly-located, like far from the entrance or something. it took me like 5 times that duration last night, just to find an available lot! and this was with me circling the car park the entire time. you know, i wonder which would be faster: going around looking for empty lots, or camping at one place? given that you've just arrived at the car park, there's an equal probability of any car leaving as far as you're concerned. unless you see someone take an empty lot before you, then chances are that car will be there for a while. if you move around, you cover more ground, so there's a higher chance of you being close to an empty lot. at the same time, there's also a chance of you driving away from a lot that will soon become empty. conversely, if you stay still, you kind of have priority if a car in your immediate vicinity vacates their lot. likewise, the inherent risk is that nobody in your immediate vicinity vacates their lot, leaving you waiting for longer than average. perhaps the best compromise is to move around a selected area, or follow a fixed path. and not forgetting to watch out for moron drivers who wait on the wrong side of the road and won't move, or people who try to jump the queue, as was the case with one malaysian-registered car last night. that bugger.

things were nice during the dinner. enjoyable conversation, nice (but slightly expensive and definitely unhealthy) food, and plenty of laughs. we should do this kind of thing more often! it was quite spontaneous too; plans were made only a few hours before. there was just one slight downer. my friend and his girlfriend had a sort-of fight. i say "sort-of" because it wasn't really a full-out argument, but there was conflict nonetheless. perhaps i should provide some background info. my friend is normally a pretty stoic, aloof kind of guy. but somehow, he becomes rather overly-attached with his girlfriend. and wouldn't you know it - the girlfriend is...not really comfortable with his level of attachedness. and at the same time, the girlfriend is a bit...not that understanding with regard to my friend's feelings, and it gets worse when she's tired or moody. the result is that my friend has been less than happy recently. if you asked me to assign blame, i'd say that more than 50% is the girlfriend's fault. but that's not to say that my friend is completely innocent. and i'm not just saying this because i've known my friend for longer...i'm trying to be rational here. it just so happens that that's the story told by the facts.

i can actually understand why this conflict comes about. the girlfriend has a rather serious case of princess syndrome, which means that among other things, she isn't too considerate of my friend's feelings, and tends to take stuff out on him. and given her somewhat low capacity for stress, it happens fairly often. to use a fairly clichéd (but accurate) analogy, she's depleting his emotional bank account more frequently and by larger amounts than she's refilling it. on his part, my friend doesn't want to engage her in a rational, logical conversation to address these issues. could be that he's tried before and failed, or something else is holding him back. he's so adverse to the idea that he told me not to waste my effort when i volunteered to talk to her. and given both parties' ways of handling the matter, the situation will just deteriorate further until something snaps one day, which i'm sure will eventually happen. can't remember who this quote should be attributed to, but it goes something like, "only a fool repeats the same process while hoping for a different outcome".

at this point, i think my friend is worn out, and just taking whatever comes his way. that doesn't sound like what a relationship should be, right? aren't partners supposed to support each other? personally, i think my friend should just sit her down and talk to her. what's the worst that could happen? they break up on bad terms. the best? they understand each other better and their relationship grows stronger. is the worst-case scenario worth the gamble? i'd say yes. after all, not being in a relationship sounds better than being in this kind of unhellthy (it was a typo, but i decided to let it remain since it's quite an apt descriptor) relationship. but this is coming from rational single me. enamoured, dumbed-down me might think differently. to lay the facts bare, i think my friend is kind of afraid of a breakup. and i have this odd feeling that the girlfriend knows that too, which puts her in a position of power. because no matter what, she has the trump card over my friend. all she has to do is mention "breakup" and my friend will probably bend over backwards to make things better...though even that has its limits. i really really hope that i'm reading this wrongly.

ok. to be fair, the girlfriend isn't all horrible and mean as i might have (unintentionally) made her out to be. she does do sweet stuff for my friend, the most recent significant thing being organizing his aforementioned birthday party. i like her well enough as a friend. to me, she's easy to get along with, humourous, and a pretty nice person all-around. but if given a choice, i wouldn't date her. too high-maintenance for my taste. it's funny how she doesn't treat her regular friends like her boyfriend (i mean that in the context of the whole taking stuff out bit). perhaps it's because she realizes that her friends have no reason to put up with it, unlike her boyfriend. once again, i hope i'm really really wrong. in the sad event that i'm right, i'd say that my friend deserves so, so much better.

well, it's not my relationship, so there's nothing i can do. i won't interfere, unless my friend specifically requests my help, or allows me to talk to her. all i can do now is offer my support and a listening ear. as bad as i'm going to sound, from a completely rational/emotionless perspective, i think it might be better if they took a break, for her to grow up a bit, before getting back together. at the same time, it might help my friend with his attachment issues. i'd never have pegged him for one to transform so drastically while in a relationship. but well, love and attraction do funny things to people; i should know. so i won't give them too much of a hard time.

other than that, life is still pretty much routine. still having pretty high hopes for the newest synthesis route. the experimental observations of the latest step were amazingly consistent with the reported procedure, so that bolstered my confidence somewhat. hoping that linking the thing to platinum will work out well. if so, it should be easy from there. wouldn't it be nice if my luck held out? even more so because i'm scheduled for mahjong tomorrow. but if i had to/was able to choose, i'd rather lose money and have my reaction work, than win money and have my reaction fail. well not exactly. if i was able to choose, i'd want to win money and have my reaction work. but let's not aim too high here, shall we?

-random thought of the day: Kingsman was nice!-

Days have felt longer these couple of weeks. surprisingly, the weeks themselves felt relatively short. in fact, we're just one day away from the long weekend! it's definitely a nice break, although i don't think i'll be resting too much, what with plans for overnight mahjong at my friend's place. my mahjong luck has been pretty good recently, actually, which is a nice surprise. i realize that compared to when i was just learning, i'm not counting every single chip that passes through my drawer, nor am i feeling sian when my drawer starts looking a bit too empty. now, i just have a general idea of whether i'm up or down. and it seems that playing for the sake of playing (as opposed to playing for the sake of winning) works better for me. less stress, and even if i do lose, it's oddly easier to accept the loss. guess i've done some growing up between then and now.

part of why the days seem longer might also because i'm becoming bi. biphasic, that is. it refers to sleep patterns. the most standard sleep pattern is monophasic sleep, where the person sleeps for one long period, typically from night to the next morning. multiphasic sleeping patterns involve sleeping in multiple short periods through the day. and although you sleep for more times, the net time spent sleeping is lesser, so it's supposedly to help you squeeze more time out of your day. there are drawbacks, though, like the sleep being deep to the point of you being dead to the world, plus having to follow a strict schedule during the acclimatization period. i'm not doing it deliberately, i swear. just that sometimes, i'll feel tired in the afternoons and catch a power nap, which can last anywhere from 30 minutes to 2 hours. thankfully, i don't have trouble sleeping at night. instead, i get up earlier the next day, which works just as well. i guess it's due to having a few 7:30am days over the last 2 weeks. that might have helped to reset my body clock a bit.

i've been pretty focused on my work since the last update, to the point where i don't have the luxury of feeling lonely. that's one way to solve the problem, i guess. some of the side-project platinum syntheses worked pretty well; we're looking at 93% purity for one compound, and over 99% purity for the second one. quite amazing, if i do say so myself. who knew my hands worked that well? but let's not get complacent...there's still my main synthesis, for which i'm trying a new route. pretty optimistic this time. if this works, life will become so much easier.

all in all, i think i've reached some kind of equilibrium. everything seems to be going decently/well, and i'm actually pretty content. sure, i can find things to grumble about, but it's bad for the heart. so, why bother? i'm just hoping this zen-like state will stick around for a bit.

-random thought of the day: Excited for the next overseas trip!-

There's been a little too much unhappiness here over the past few weeks. i'll try to keep the tone leaning towards positive this time.

part of the reason why i've been a little less able to see the silver linings in the clouds recently is because it's been so damned hot! days are spent in the air-conditioned lab/student room, so that's still fine. but it sucks at night, because sleeping in hot weather is usually difficult for me. so i've been staying late in lab to minimize on time spent without air-con. admittedly, there have been a couple of cool nights due to rain in the day, but it's been baking more often than not. i'm actually really really tempted to take up my friend's offer to move into his place for a couple of weeks, until the heatwave passes. but it's not nice because his parents and sister are around as well. i suppose the worst-case scenario will be for me to just sleep in the student room if i really can't take the heat any more.

not sure if there's any relation to the heat, but i've been having way more weird dreams than normal recently. lab probably doesn't contribute too much, since i'm not that stressed at this point in time. the dreams range from entertaining (something about having cool mutant powers and flying), downright weird (going on some pointless quest), mundane (daily life-type activities, like driving), and even to downright upsetting ("person" from last december). thankfully, there have been no nightmares throughout the past 2 weeks...or none that i can remember, at least. i'm cool with having weird dreams (which aren't nightmares; some people don't see the difference), but the downside is that they leave me horribly tired the next day. it's like i'll sleep around 1:30am or so, and wake up around 8:30am. somehow i'll fall asleep again after checking my phone, then wake up again after 11:00am. maybe it's something to do with the increased brain activity needed for dreaming? whatever it is, it results in my morning being wasted, which isn't that good for productivity. maybe i should sleep earlier, and try not to drift off after waking up the first time.

recent weekends have become rather boring. somehow, weekend activities have reduced in number, due to factors both within and outside of my control. ok. let's list the activities that i have to option of doing on any given weekend. in no particular order, they are:

(1) cat high old boys thing. i haven't really been regular there because it's so early (starts at 8:00am) and also because there's a 95% chance that i'll be the youngest one there. and when everyone else is at least 10+ years my senior, there aren't many topics that we have in common. so i don't really go down that often, despite knowing that it's an open invitation, and that i'm always welcome. i'm due to go down soon, though. have a little project that i want to do.

(2) SJI/CJC training. another reason i don't usually go for the old boys thing is that the timing somewhat overlaps with training, which starts at 10:00am. so even if i do go to turf city at 8:00am, i can only stay for about an hour before i have to go down to CJC. worse thing is that the PIE is usually jammed on saturday mornings (why, by the way?), making the drive more unpleasant. anyway, i haven't gone down for the past 3 weeks or so, because the kids have stood down for exams, and only sec 1's are training. with the reduced class size, and the level of the kids there, the existing coach is more than enough. normally, if i do go for training, most of my saturday then becomes occupied, since there's usually a senior/coach lunch afterwards. that hasn't been the case lately, unfortunately.

(3) dog shelter. i haven't been there for coming-to half a year now. it's due to both not wanting to rush down after senior/coach lunch, and also because of a bit of conflict that i had with some of the volunteer ICs back in december last year. looking back, it really was a rotten month, wasn't it!? i haven't gone back to the shelter because i felt kind of like (the car and) i was (were) being taken advantage of. plus the way that the volunteer ICs talked...it wasn't mean/malicious exactly, but it could have been nicer. i mean i get that they're girls and i'm a guy, so gender norms dictate that they can be a bit more bossy/hostile and i have to be a bit more accommodating. i'm ok with that...up to a certain point. i remember hearing this saying from an anime series, "even the buddha will get angry if you hit him 3 times". can't remember which anime series exactly, but yes. that's kind of the issue. well, i may go down sometime later in the year. we'll see.

(4) SJC training. although SJC training is set for 10:00am (the same time as CJC/SJI training, but on a different day), it seems ridiculously early for some reason. and although i'm good with most of the committee, there are a few people whom i'd rather not meet. of course, i have an open invitation as a member/auxiliary instructor, so nothing wrong even if i do go down.

(5) BPS coach's club training. this is something which i'm fairly regular for. i guess i like it a bit more because it's quite relaxed, and the people are extremely nice. plus everyone is honest and sincere, which makes interacting with them extremely pleasant. sure there are minor disputes and conflicts, but those are resolved really quickly and easily.

(6) mahjong. this has been on hold for the past month due to various schedule incompatibilities. while i've said that it's not die-die must play, i realize that i do quite enjoy it. must be the destressing effect.

(7) lab work. after the clamp-down, i've been really really reluctant to go back to lab on weekends. think it's psychological more than anything though, since i've got no problems working during weekdays. but if i really had to rush for deadlines (eg. corrections for a paper publication), i'd probably suck it up and go back. that's not the case now though, so i figure i can afford to not be in overdrive mode yet.

with all of these activities (and possibly more due to spontaneous plans), it seems odd that i've been spending recent saturdays rotting at home. well...i guess that's how it is sometimes. things line up perfectly, or they don't. figure that it's just a temporary lull, and that things will pick up in the next few weeks, so i'm not too worried.

minion hunting hasn't been very successful. or minion screening, rather. you see, my professor wants all grad students to mentor at least one honours student during their candidature. says it helps to put things in perspective, gives a big overall view and all that. i agree. it is nice to take a step back and analyze the big picture now and then. as of now, i've spoken to 3 prospective students in person, and another one through email. of the former 3, i'm passing on all of them. somehow, they don't inspire confidence in me. not in terms of ability, but in terms of the overall impression. i don't expect any of them to be synthesis experts (though it would be a pleasant surprise), and in fact, i'm actually quite prepared to train students with rudimentary experience. but to have some of the prospects say that they were not interested in chemistry and would rather do biology is quite mind-boggling. reminder: these are chemistry majors, mind you. makes me wonder which part of the system went wrong. anyway, i'm hoping that the last prospect will be a bit better. i've got a decent impression just through email correspondence, so i'm hoping the face-to-face will be just as impressive.

incidentally, all of the applicants (except one) so far have been girls. quite weird. then again, all of the grad students (except one) are guys, so maybe it balances out? i hope this next bit doesn't come across as sexist. i'm actually reluctant to take a girl honours student. hear me out first. it's not because girls are less hardworking or less smart than guys. i've known girls who put in the same number of lab hours as i do, or even more! and the girl i shared a fume hood with during honours year got first-class honours, so she definitely wasn't dumber than me. rather, the reason i prefer a male student is simply because i think i should be able to communicate better with him. guys tend to be more emotionally stable, and thus, i can be more direct with them. just imagine - a girl and a guy (separately) present the exact same piece of work to you, using the same exact script, body language, even dressing similarly. you then give both of them the same harsh piece of criticism. odds are that if one of them cries or shows some other emotional response, it'll be the girl. that's not to say all girls will cry, or all guys won't. but going by probability, i'd bank on the guy to keep his cool better. but we'll see. if nobody else writes in, i may not have much of a choice. i probably should mention that while gender affects my choice a bit, it's not that significant. character, merit and experience matter most of all. for instance, i'd rather choose a girl with decent synthesis experience than a completely green guy, everything else constant. but well, let's take things as they come.

something kind of scared me the other day. our postdoc is taking a student for summer UROPS, so the student should be year 2 going on year 3. i was quite shocked/horrified to overhear the postdoc teaching the student things like calculating number of moles and concentration! at first i thought that the postdoc was just being kiasu and/or didn't know the singaporean education system (she's russian). but after checking with her, it appears that the student really was clueless! seriously!?? i taught this to my secondary school tuition kids! i refuse to believe that a chemistry undergrad doesn't know how to do mole calculations. if that had been my student, i think i'd just faint. although i'm willing to teach newbies, there is a certain minimum standard, which includes mole calculations! here's hoping i get someone who's fairly decent. i actually know who i want already...this guy whom i TA-ed back when he was year 1. side note: makes me feel old to realize that he's ready for honours. although his theory is a bit weak (as seems to be the issue for poly kids), his lab skills are good for his level, and he's quite nice. but that's if he's even doing honours, and if he approaches my lab. if he does, i think i'd fight for him.

i'd planned to write a bit more, but somehow, that took more time than expected. so i guess i'll end here and go to sleep. trying to reach school early tomorrow. with any luck, tonight will be a little cooler.

-random thought of the day: Feelings are messy.-

Sucks to be left out of things. the most recent example is that one half of the nage no kata pair is going for his 3rd dan grading, and thus has to learn katame no kata. he asked my partner to teach him, which i guess is the "right" thing to do, since my partner is the more knowledgeable one out of both of us. but somehow, my understanding is that kata partners work in pairs. besides, i'm more familiar with the uke role. oh well. they happy can already.

don't get me wrong, i'm not exactly offended that they didn't inform me or whatever. after all, it's their training and they can invite or not invite whoever they want. thing is, the nage no kata pair helped me for my second dan grading last year (which i failed, but they helped regardless). so i'd like to pay back the favour, so to speak. although i know that they're not nitpicky like that, i see it as the right thing to do.

and the fact that that friend is taking his 3rd dan makes me feel a bit...jealous? mainly because i can't advance in grade due to...some factors, some for which i'm responsible, others not so much. you know, whenever i feel something that i shouldn't be feeling, i try to rationalize it by asking 2 questions. the first is, "can i (am i allowed to) feel like that?" the answer is almost always yes. we are all entitled to our own feelings and opinions, after all. we can even let others know about our feelings and opinions, as long as we don't try to force others to accept them. accepting that a person feels differently and accepting a person's point of view is different, by the way. the next question i ask is, "should i be (am i justified in) feeling this way?" this is where all the evaluation, morals, values, etc kick in.

for this case, i'm not justified in feeling jealous at all. you see, the guy in question is a great person. in the coming to 10 years that we've been acquainted, i can honestly not think of even one negative thing to say about his character. he's respectful, humble, patient, friendly, accommodating, and rarely gets angry. that aside, his understanding of judo is good, his refereeing is solid, he's represented singapore for kata and came back with golds before, and all that is more than sufficient for him to get his 3rd dan. in fact, i'd say he's been deserving it for a while now. i suppose the feeling comes from my own negative reaction to the news, because i wish i could be promoted as well. well...as long as i don't let it get the better of me, i should be good.

although i sucked at JC econs, there's one particular thing i remember learning. money only has value because we believe it to be valuable. it's actually a pretty regular TYS question, i think. other (wrong) options include stuff like money is backed by the central bank's gold reserves, or valuable materials are used to print money. so if we were somehow to switch currency to...sand, for instance, all the paper money would become worthless overnight. something like banana notes in post-WWII singapore, though those have value today as collectors' items i think. anyway. to get back to this concept of value, something is only worth as much as we think it's worth. for instance, if NUS was suddenly uncovered as a degree mill, i'd be screwed because everyone in the world would ascribe less significance to my degree. that's unlikely to happen though, so i guess i'm good as far as that goes.

so...value. the reason i'm bringing this up is because something that i quite care about his been devalued quite badly, and that's dan grades. under this new administration, i feel that the dan grades are given somewhat unfairly. let's ignore me being unable to get my 2nd dan first. instead, let's look at the other end of the spectrum. some high-dan holders have recently been promoted...some of them for the third time in as many years. now, i'd like to think that i'm a fair person. promotions should be based on a person's technical knowledge, ability, and contribution. can you imagine a 4th dan not knowing as much kata as 1st-dan me!? i'm not bragging that i'm super knowledgeable or whatever, just that the other person knows nuts. and let's not forget that i have other accreditations, like national referee, and NCAP level 1. to my knowledge, the other person has...nothing. zero. and yet, that person can get 4th dan while i'm stuck at 1st. do you now understand why i can't swallow it!? high-dan holders are expected to have some level of technical knowledge. in singapore, absolutely nobody can perform all 5 kata. and yet, there are promotion to 4th, 5th, 6th, and even 7th dan! more like 冗談 (joudan), seriously. even if i were to ignore kata, i bet some of them can't even remember all 67 throws and 29 groundwork, which all black belts are supposed to know. i'm not saying i can remember them all, but i'm confident of about 80%. i bet some of them can't even get past 40%.

ok. let's be extremely nice and ignore everything judo. i STILL wouldn't agree with some (most) of the promotions, because some of these people have character flaws! i mean, i have heard from primary sources about some of the scandals that some of these people have. if their students were to find out, i bet that these people would lose almost all support. not to mention the way that some of these people carry themselves. i've said it before, and i'll say it again. having a hooligan at the top is bad for the federation, both in image and in daily administration. just look at the way that the federation is run now. i've heard of so many irregularities in the management, i honestly don't know where to start.

maybe i should learn from one of my friends, who has basically turned his back on judo for now, despite being a potential high-flier previously. come to think of it, what the hell am i hanging on for!? i actually know why. the main reason that i'm hanging on is because of a promise. back when i just got my black belt, i promised the then-president and vice president (2 people whom i hold in high regard) that i wouldn't hang my belt up, but continue to come back and contribute to the community. that's why i fought against the referee suspension, and that's why i'm still trying my best to go for judo once a week, to help out and develop my coaching. admittedly, a small selfish part is still in it for grade advancement, but i suppose it's natural to want tangible signs of progress. even then, if i were offered a magical anything-goes promotion, the highest grade i'd dare to take would be 3rd dan, and even then, it would be a little premature. i'm simply not qualified for anything more. makes me wonder how some peoples' skins can be so thick to accept something that they're clearly not qualified for.

anyway. i guess the important thing is that i'm able to accept remaining at my current grade for perhaps a year or two at least. until more qualified people take over the reins, i think. hopefully it happens soon. it's really quite sad to see this kind of stupid thing happen in a martial arts circle. and in case anyone reading has funny ideas of wanting to sue or anything, i'd like to point out that most of this is my opinion, and i can back up whatever's not opinion. incidentally, i'm just thinking that i shouldn't have yielded so easily to the threat of legal action last time. but well. at least i learned something from it, so i guess it worked out somehow.

-random thought of the day: Severely annoyed.-

It's been a pretty normal-ish to bad week this week. physically, i'm suffering a little, enough for me to resort to drugs to keep myself going. and by "drugs", i mean coffee, which technically counts since it contains caffeine (med chem students will understand). emotionally/mentally, i'm suffering a bit more, but haven't had the need to use drugs there (yet?), so all's good. on the bright side, reactions are coming along nicely, and if i should be so lucky, the breakthrough will come sometime next week. IF i should be so lucky.

the weather took a turn for the hotter this week. started on tuesday, i think. it's the annoying kind of hot that keeps you awake at night, despite the fan going at full blast. it's bad enough that i've scratched a few layers of skin off the back of my neck. think that was one of the major reasons for the disruptions to my sleep cycle. the heat thing more so than the neck thing. like i'm getting 5 to 6 hours of sleep a night on average, which sucks because it leaves me feeling tired the next day. the worst was from wednesday night to thursday morning, i only slept about 3 hours, hence the need to resort to coffee to stay awake...all the more so because there was group meeting. so in light of the whole weather thing, the plan is to stay in my nice, air-conditioned student room/lab until as late as possible, before going home to bake in bed. hopefully things will cool down a bit after the rain today.

emotionally, i'm feeling a bit lonely. was supposed to have dinner with a JC friend today, but he had quite last-minute girlfriend plans and we postponed. what is it with people cancelling on me left, right, and centre nowadays!? while i'm cool with it since i was told early (in fact, i was the one who suggested postponing), it still doesn't feel all that nice on some level to know that you've been pushed aside for someone else, and/or was a backup because the first-choice someone wasn't available. of course i understand that girlfriend > regular friends, but somehow, i lean more towards the "first-come-first-served" mentality. like if i've made an appointment with someone, i won't cancel to meet another person, no matter how much i like the second person. of course, that's single me talking. i might be the biggest hypocrite and go back on my word if/when i've found someone, who knows? if i do do something like this to any of you, feel free to slap me whenever.

coming back to the topic at hand, loneliness. it's a bit weird. i'm introverted by nature, which means that i should be fine spending time by myself. and most of the time, i am. but it's just been over these past 2 weeks when i've been thinking that some company might not be such a bad idea. i don't know; it sounds uncharacteristically needy, and i don't suppose that i can, in good conscience, expect someone to put up with my neediness. not that someone like that exists right now, anyway. i was looking through my phone contacts on a whim, and realized that at this point in time, there is quite literally nobody i'd call or anything like that in this situation. it's quite a sad realization, when you find out it seems that nobody has your back. or maybe i'm dramatizing it. i don't know. that might be it, actually. i do tend to get emo and cranky when i haven't had enough sleep. i'm sure i'll be back to normal in a bit, but right now, the feeling sucks. to add insult to injury, or fuel to fire, or whatever, it seems that my cisplatin synthesis isn't going to work well...which is bad, because it's quite a fundamental inorganic synthesis, one of the cornerstone reactions in the lab, and it's also a reaction which i've repeated a fair few times already. i'm hoping that it's due to a chemical degrading or something, and not because i lost my touch.

expanding on the whole "reliable" theme a bit, i have reliable friends, no doubt about it. for instance, i could probably ask them for all sorts of odd favours, and they'd probably oblige if it was urgent/important enough. but i'm referring to emotional reliability here. not to say my friends aren't reliable in that aspect, but perhaps i haven't identified a person whom i deem to be reliable enough. so perhaps it's not them, it's me. like i said before, i don't feel too good about offloading my problems onto others. yet, i'm fine with hearing other people out when they're troubled. the difference is that i know that i'm capable of handling whatever they throw at me, and that's because i know how to separate their issues from my own. benefits of having a coach who taught mental skills. for those who might not know some of the tricks i do, it might be a bit too heavy. so...nah.

you know, i've been thinking of maybe going for counselling. there's a lot of stigma attached to it, like counselling is only for psychos and unstable people, for example. i'm not too concerned about anyone seeing me at the counsellor's office or anything like that. what kind of bugs me is that although the counsellors are duty-bound to keep things confidential, there are cases in which that confidentiality can be breached. for instance, if there's a threat to human life, or by power of a court order. the first one doesn't concern me that much, since i don't think i'll be quitting life anytime soon. the court order thing shouldn't worry me, but somehow it does. i understand the whole life and death thing, but i don't see why your issues should be disclosed without your consent, just because a judge or whoever ordered it. perhaps blogging is still the way to go. certainly seems that way.

anyway. i don't really want to continue in this vein. it looks so spineless to feel sorry for yourself. guess i'll have to remember that while having people around is nice, we're ultimately alone. or i am, at least. as much as i hope that changes soon, my hopes aren't set too high. but well. let's see what comes along...if anything comes along at all.

-random thought of the day: My memory's slipping.-

Conflict resolution isn't one of my strong points when i'm directly involved in the conflict...which is weird, because i think i'm a decent mediator otherwise. not sure whether it's a pride thing, or whether it's the residual feelings of animosity from the conflict, but somehow, if someone angers me beyond a certain point, i just don't want to interact with them for a period of time, which is proportional to how much anger i felt. just writing it out made me realize how petty is makes me sound. then again, that certain point is quite hard to reach, i think. i'm generally laid back about most things as long as people have been responsible.

wouldn't you know it, karma bit me AGAIN. the BPS coach asked me to resume kata sessions with the BPS brothers. is it really that difficult to give up a role!!? from safety lead to this, it seems i'm stuck. anyway, the main problem is in our difference in coaching and learning styles. you see, i can't coach people who don't trust me. somehow i believe that an athlete and a coach can only work together if there's a certain level of trust, and if both parties are somewhat comfortable with each other. i've been reaching out to them, but it's not reciprocated, hence i decided to stop wasting my time and effort. but the coach put in the request today, so i find that i'm stuck. like i've mentioned before, i respect this coach a lot, both for the way he teaches judo, and for the way he manages the BPS kids. i still can't recreate the same dynamic he has with his kids. but then again, i don't have a "permanent" club - one whose training i'm solely responsible for. so i guess that can wait until i get such a club.

but back to the issue at hand. i've told the coach that i think it's a bad idea for me to continue with them. he says that he sees talent in them, and he won't let it go to waste. i agree that it's not easy to find judo talent, particularly in kata. but sometimes, talent doesn't/can't compensate for attitude. like just today, the kids were totally not serious when practising. i really don't know how to get through to them, or how to get them to focus! if there's one thing i learned from the previous time, it's to only have kata practice when the coach is present. i need a more authoritative presence to keep things in line. and for myself, i think i'll avoid investing too much personal feelings into the whole thing, and treat it more like an instructor role...unless they warm up to me, the odds of which are not high. i suppose it boils down to me having to be professional. just treat them as regular students and things should be fine. besides, i guess this is a learning experience for me as well. we grow by facing challenges, after all.

haven't done a lyrics post in a while, so i'll just end with the latest song stuck in my head:

Owl City - Honey and the Bee
Don't remind me
That some days I'm a windshield
And other days I'm just a lucky bug
As cold iron rails leave
Old mossy trails through the countryside

The crow and the bean field
Are my best friends but
Boy, I need a hug (boy, I need a hug)
'Cause my heart stops without you
There's something about you
That makes me feel alive

If the green left the grass on the other side
(I would make like a tree and leave)
But if I reached for your hand
Would your eyes get wide?
(Who knew the other side could be so green?)

Don't remind me
I'm a chickadee in love with the sky
But that's clearly not a lot to crow about
'Cause when the stars silhouette me
I'm scared they'll forget me
And flicker out

I taste honey but I haven't seen the hive
Yeah I didn't look, I didn't even try
But still my heart stops without you
There's something about you
That makes me feel alive

If the green left the grass on the other side
(I would make like a tree and leave)
But if I reached for your hand
Would your eyes get wide?
(Who knew the other side could be so green?)

We are honey and the bee

Backyard of butterflies surrounded me
I fell in love with you
Like bees to honey
So let's up and leave the weeping to the willow tree
And pour our tears in the sea

I swear there's a lot of vegetables out there
That crop up for air
Yeah I never thought
We were two peas in a pod
Until you suddenly bloomed
Then I knew
That I'd always love you
(Oh, I'll always love you too)

If the green left the grass on the other side
(I would make like a tree and leave)
But if I reached for your hand
Would your eyes get wide?
(Who knew the other side could be so green?)

If the green left the grass on the other side
(I would make like a tree and leave)
But if I reached for your hand
Would your eyes get wide?
(Who knew the other side could be so green?)

And if I reached for your hand
For the rest of my life
(Who knew the other side could be so green?)

-random thought of the day: Is it so difficult to rely on people for basic things?-

Unexpectedly, my busy saturday suddenly became not-busy any more. ended up not going for both of the originally-planned coffee sessions (different reasons for each one), but met another friend for coffee at kent ridge instead. right now, i'm just in my student room, taking advantage of the quiet to blog a bit and maybe set something up for later tonight. not sure how the second thing will go, but at least i know that i can get the blogging done.

i do want to talk a bit more regarding why i didn't go for both coffee sessions. the first one was the cat high old boys thing at turf city. i had planned to go, but kind of overslept, waking up at 9:30am. staying up until 3:30am the previous night will do that to a person. it's a weekly affair, no obligations, so worst case is i'll just go for next week's thing. no worries. what annoyed me here was that i'd  asked a junior along, and he was supposed to reply me by yesterday night. ended up not hearing from him, so i assumed that he wasn't going, which apparently proved to be the case. if he had called me this morning to tell me he'd be going, i'd just tell him to fly a kite all the way there.

the other coffee session is held on a monthly basis, and i had plans to go with another junior. when i messaged last night to solidify the plan, this junior told me that there was work scheduled. i'm not annoyed that work was scheduled; one has to earn money, after all. what annoyed me was that i wasn't informed about the schedule conflict, and only knew about it because i asked. i mean, we'd made this arrangement since this past monday or so, and if plans change on your side sometime later in the week, the only responsible thing to do would be to tell me ASAP, right!? no doubt i would have still been mildly annoyed, but it would have been to a much lesser degree than bordering on angry, which is what/where i am now.

interestingly, i was also talking to my friend about accountability of a similar nature. my stand on such matters is that if plans change and you can't make it for an event, let me know as soon as you're able, preferably at least a day before the event. if you'll be late, message or call within 15 minutes after the meet-up time to inform me and i'll be cool about it. my friend takes it to a whole new level. somehow, his mentality is that if he keeps people waiting, he's wasting their time regardless of whether he informed them or not. it's bad enough to the extent where it bugs him quite severely, which i feel is a bit of an overreaction. i can only imagine how annoyed he gets from waiting for us sometimes! but well, different values, beliefs, and priorities, i guess. i can't say that any one of us is more right/wrong than the other; it's just how we perceive things. but i think the one thing we both agree upon is that standing someone up shows a lack of consideration for the person.

met my car enthusiast friend for a quick drink last night. he'd been trying to catch me for dinner a few times this past week, but i was always in lab and had to turn him down. so i decided to take initiative and make the effort to contact him instead. luckily, our schedules aligned and we managed to meet at bishan, though it was quite late. as usual, we talked about a fair few topics, catching each other up on stuff, that sort of thing. i'm increasingly finding that it's better to maintain friendships that both parties are interested in maintaining, instead of those one-sided things. as usual, he was telling me about his car and some new modifications. still can't appreciate that stuff. he's been trying to psycho me into getting some stuff done for the car, but i've always resisted. no point, i feel. as it is, i'm already getting decent driving pleasure out of my current setup. plus, it's not like i'm some street racer or anything, so i don't need all the extra performance boosts. maybe if i ever migrate to a place where owning a car is cheaper, and the laws on car modification are less strict. still, it's a big maybe.

this same friend was also telling me that he was thinking of picking up a martial art for self-defense. based on a quick set of questions, my personal assessment is that he'd be inclined to judo. but he's still unsure...says it's just a passing thought thing and that if he even decides to commit to learning something, he's still unsure what to learn. so i kind of gave him an open invitation to the club. he was also telling me that his brother used to be in judo during secondary school, and it's a school whose coach i'm not particularly fond of. i think having them visit might be interesting. but well, we'll see if they actually take me up on the offer.

another thing that came up in our chat was dashboard cameras, and how his camera recorded evidence of a near miss, the video of which he submitted to the traffic police, who have since taken action against the other driver. so far, i've not run into any accidents (thank goodness), and i hope that doesn't change. but in the event of an accident where someone else is responsible, i think that a camera with the relevant video footage would really help my case. it's kind of like a spare pair of glasses, or insurance. you don't really NEED it on a day-to-day basis, but when something happens, you'll be extremely grateful that you have it, provided that you DO have it in the first place! taking a quick look online shows that there are some pretty affordable models (going for under $50 - excluding memory card), so i don't think that there's really an excuse for me not to invest in one. well...perhaps after pay day this month.

it's currently 7:05pm. somehow, i don't think that anything will materialize tonight...largely because i didn't ask anyone for anything. if anyone can read my mind, now would be a great time to get in touch! or else i suppose i'll just rot for a bit more and then decide what to do. watching avengers 2 is kind of tempting, though the main issue is that only late showtimes have good seats right now. we're talking like 11:50pm kind of late. not forgetting that GV shows like 20 minutes of advertisements/trailers, plus the movie itself is 140 minutes long (add on a bit more for the end-credits scene). so all in all, if i do catch that show, we're looking at reaching home around...2:45am. thanks but no thanks. think i'll just catch it on a weekday, when the timing kind of fits better, and more importantly, when the prices are cheaper. monday 9:05pm looks good. bonus is that it's late enough so that most of the jams would have cleared, making driving back less of a pain. for now, guess i'll publish this post and take a nice slow drive back to bishan. as slow as i can tolerate, at any rate. or maybe someone will read this as soon as it's published and set something up. who knows?

-random thought of the day: End of NMR suspension!-