Starting this post is proving to be difficult, so i'll use my cheapskate introduction of stating how difficult it is. now that that's done, let's go on to the main content.

the past 2 days have generally not been very productive, academically-wise. but that's forgivable, since i still have 3 days' grace (band name pun!) to study for philosophy. there's not really much to study, though, since the exam is more of english comprehension than anything. having said that, i'd better score for it. like my tutor said, people with a better command of the english language have a slight advantage for this paper, so i have to capitalize on that. he also said that the best way to study for this paper is to practise past-year papers, which is what i'm starting to do. so far, out of the 7 practice papers i've printed, i've done 3...questions, that is. i've been feeling kind of distracted, and that is obviously not conducive for working philosophy problems out. short digression: apparently, my philosophy tutor does aikido. don't know what his belt rank is though, since he wasn't in full uniform when i saw him training. but i figure he's not a beginner, since he was teaching/correcting 2 other guys.

back to more substantial stuff, judo training on wednesday resulted in a backache for me. must have been from the modified squats we were doing. though i hate to admit it, that's just the epitome of the "old" stereotype. arrgh. thankfully, there's no training this saturday (it's labour day) and that means that i can spend more time sitting/lying comfortably on my computer chair/bed. really hope it clears up before tuition on sunday.

visited a certain someone in hospital yesterday. we (ie. the visitors) were told not to cry, show sadness, or anything negative while in the ward. i don't know about the others, but i had no problem with it. after seeing 2 grandparents and a cousin hooked up to various tubes, IVs and other stuff in different hospitals at different times in my life, the impact isn't as severe any more. you know, no matter how much i do it, it still feels odd/weird to talk to patients in a hospital. i mean, it's kind of dumb to ask the patient, "how are you?", isn't it? if they were fine, they wouldn't be in a hospital! but still, the nurses and doctors seem to believe that talking to patients, particularly if they're comatose (the patients, not the medical staff), does help. i don't know whether that's true or not, considering that i've never been on the receiving end of such talk (nor do i want to be). so, i figure that it's better to do it than not to do it. after all, there's no harm in doing it, and for all i know, it may actually be true. and if it is, the patient may recover faster. so, might as well, right?

went to orchard road after that to meet some friends for dinner, and got hopelessly lost along the way. shows just how many of my teenage years were spent in town, doesn't it? anyway, as a result of that, i'll be at least $286 poorer in the future. hopefully the money from coaching comes through soon. even then, i'd still be effectively doing about 3 tuition sessions for free in order to recover that amount back. oh well. expensive lesson learnt. even though i know that i'm in the wrong, i just think that there could have been a better time to chew me out than when i just arrived. after all, the goal of meeting up with friends is to catch up and generally enjoy each other's company, right? i don't quite know how to say this next bit exactly the way i want to say it, but the best i can come up with is "sometimes, i wonder why i still hang out with them". ir's complicated, but i could probably explain it in a couple of paragraphs. but i won't, because it's troublesome.

checking out some of my friends' facebook links today revealed that lady gaga had one of her legs amputated. i don't know whether the news story is true or not, but either way, she's managed to cause quite a stir. assuming that the story is true, i personally think that it's quite a stupid move. there are many people in the world (myself included) who would want a healthy, injury-/disease-free leg back. and yet, you have someone like her, who cuts her healthy leg off. of course, it's her body, and i can't tell her what to do with it. doesn't stop me from feeling that it's a bad decision, though. once again, this ASSUMES that the news is in fact true. if it isn't, i'll probably say something about it in a future post.

as for the next few days, the main order of business will be slacking studying for philosophy. yes, studying. that's what i meant. of course, there's tuition on sunday, and i may drop by the hospital again tomorrow. that reminds me. i won't get the car this sunday, so i have to be a bit more hardworking and get up earlier to take public transport. it's sian, but to quote something i learnt from the army, "*insert thing here* is a privilege, not an entitlement.". besides, there's ample notification this time, so i can deal with it. hopefully i can at least secure the car for tomorrow.

-random thought of the day: I need more tuition kids...-

Now that my content-heavy modules' exams are over, i can relax (a little) before philosophy next week. before i do some prediction, let's talk about today's paper.

i feel kind of lucky that compared to the past-year papers, the professor set an easy paper this time round. solvay process came out again! after the mid-term disaster, i've remembered it for life already. even though the paper was relatively easy, it doesn't mean that i'll score well, considering poor time management and idiotic mistakes. the feeling of knowing the answer but not having enough time to write it down kind of sucks...but at least it beats the helpless "i'm screwed" feeling when you don't know your stuff (like for a certain module whose name begins with a "b" and ends with an "iochem"). after doing some very very rough estimation, i figure my maximum mark should be around 66. factor in my lab reports (A, A, B), and i'm optimistically looking at a B+, or if someone really likes me, an A-. no idea how i did for my mid-term, so this is subject to change.

as mentioned previously, i'd be more than grateful for a B- in biochem, so let's leave it at that.

freshman seminar is a free pass (the lecturer told us the whole class passed already), so there's not much to say there, either.

organic chem...it's hard to say. i have pretty good lab results, but a sucky mid-term. as for the final paper, i'm neutral about it. i don't feel that i've buanged it, or that i could have done better. for the first time in my life, i think i can honestly say that i've given my all for the paper. my somewhat conservative estimate would be a B, though i'm hoping for higher.

philosophy isn't over yet, but judging by the term paper's marks, i'm currently around a B+. hopefully the final will pull it up to an A-, or even an A. goodness knows i need at least one good grade to cancel off with biochem.

all in all, i think i can safely say that my CAP will be taking a hit this semester. but as long as it's above 4, i'll be content. i'm not too confident about my odds, though, seeing as i'm already at the edge of the cliff with a 4.1. quickly playing with the CAP calculator shows that if all goes well, my potential CAP this semester will be 4.00 exactly. hmm...i don't know. not going to brood over it for now.

it's 3:34pm, and i'm due to leave the house soon. my cousin (the one who is 3 years, 9 months, and a day older than i am...not his brother, who is only 4 days older) is getting engaged/married. we're supposed to be at their place at 4:15pm or so. up till now, i don't know for sure whether it's counted as the engagement or the marriage...but it's at the ROM, so i suspect it's the latter. well...if it is marriage, and not an engagement, his anniversary will fall on my dad's birthday. kind of cool, huh?

-random thought of the day: Lightning does strike twice in the same place!-

True to expectation, i'm finished for biochem. like i was telling one of my friends whom i met on the bus, i'd be more than grateful for a B- grade. this takes into account the fact that i tikam-ed at least 20 out of the 60 questions, and also that my CA grades so far aren't that spectacular. bleh. this means i need to do way better for my other modules this semester.

speaking of which, i have inorganic chem tomorrow. it's a morning paper, so i'm going to do something like what i did on saturday, which is to sleep early, then wake up at 3:00am or so to get some last-minute studying done. only difference is that i most probably won't have the car, since my dad will probably need it. no harm checking later, though.

for this coming paper, i'm a little...unnerved. if past-year papers and this recent mid-term are anything to go by, the questions that this particular professor sets rely more on memorization than application...i'd say in about a 65:35 proportion. what makes it even more sucky is that there are 7 groups' worth of elements (and accompanying reactions) that could potentially come out. not to mention latimer and frost diagrams. i really hope he wasn't just screwing with us when he told us to bring rulers for the exam, because this is practically the only thing we would have to use rulers for in this module.

well, i think i should stop here so that phase 1 of operation save my inorganic chem grade will go smoothly. i'll be up again in about 4 hours for the rest of the phases.

-random thought of the day: Have I been desensitized to failure?-

23 hours from now, i'll be diethyl azodicarboxylate (that's also known as DEAD — diethylazodicarboxylate, see? yes, it's a lame chem joke. start laughing.). seriously though, it's because of my upcoming biochem exam. 60 MCQs in 2 hours, open-book. sounds easy enough, right? thing is, one of the professors is notorious for setting tricky questions. it's to the point where open-book doesn't really help much, because most of it focuses on concept application. i've never really understood why chem majors need to take biochem. it's not like we're pharmacists or anything like that. on the contrary, i think most of us will end up doing stuff that's not remotely related. arrgh. nevertheless, it's a core module, so major thumb-sucking ensues.

right now, i'm in the process of getting rid of all my distractions, so that i can fully concentrate on studying later. while doing that, i've spent some time reading about the rastafari movement/religion/belief system/way of life. it's...fascinating, to say the least. i think it might be interesting to try it out (apparently, you can live as a rasta for X number of days). not that i plan on trying it out now, though. maybe after i graduate. then again, i can foresee several potential problems, one of them being the unavailability of cannabis in singapore. oh well. one can dream.

ok...so here's my plan for later. i'll give myself time to slack up till 6:00pm. then, it's biochem, with reference to e-tutorials, forum posts, chatlogs and webcasts (hi-tech professors are both a blessing and a curse) if necessary. that will go on until about 12:00am, or maybe a bit later. then, bedtime, and wake up at 8:00am. by the time i get to school, it'll be around 10:00am, which leaves me 3 more hours of studying. to be honest, i don't really foresee studying to be of any help, but at least it will boost my confidence and (hopefully) reduce frantic page-turning during the exam.

tomorrow will definitely be a long day. exam aside, i still have to study for the inorganic chem paper, which is scheduled for 9:00am on tuesday morning. i'll probably be holed up in the library until 10:00pm, once my consultation session with one of the tutors is over. then, it's back home for a power nap and late-night/early-morning studying again. sadded. well, on the bright side, i have a week's break until my philosophy exam the following tuesday. but let's fight today's (or tomorrow's, if you want to be literal) battles first.

-random thought of the day: Kill me now.-

Previously, i was informed that i had a reading WEEK, not a reading-period-of-time-that-seemed-like-a-couple-of-days. despite my nice study schedule, practically all of the week was spent on organic chem. i realize that just reading through these notes will not reveal the more obscure details, like something called a mitsunobu reaction. i had to discover that in a consultation session when my tutor insisted that it was in the notes. hopefully my last (and last-minute) round of studying will help some more similar details sink in. after all, it's been proven that last-minute desperation can work miracles. so here's the plan: power nap from 11:00pm to 3:00am, then study until 6:30am. shower, then drive down to school (lucky i managed to get the car), reaching by 7:30am. find a good parking lot, then continue real last-minute study right until the gates of hell exam hall doors open.

you know, a lot of things can happen in one week of not blogging. like one of the SJI judo juniors getting injured in the nationals. latest news is that he's conscious, so i'll probably visit him this coming wednesday, after all my jam-packed papers are over. up till now, my picture of exactly what happened is still fuzzy around the edges, so my comments may not be all that reliable. this is me indirectly saying, "don't quote me on anything". the way i see it, even if a choke was applied, that wouldn't cause a blood clot to form. my guess is that it was somehow aggravated by the hold/choke. even though the opponent wasn't at fault (at least i hope for his sake that he isn't), he should at least attempt to find out the current situation. though, in fairness, it's not easy. even the seniors are more or less finding out through the news reports. at any rate, i really hope he's up and active again soon.

something else happened this week. call me soft-hearted, but i took the first step to resolving that particular conflict. it worked, and we are both happier people...or at least i am, since i can't speak for the other party. you know, i have to get better at differentiating my emotions. i have a feeling i kind of confused "i like you" with "i care for you". come to think of it, are they really that different?

i'm not really in a state of mind to blog, so i'll end off here for now. maybe i'll add on to this after tomorrow's paper.

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it's now 3:50pm on saturday, which means the organic chem paper is long done. i actually feel somewhere between average and fairly good about it. guess that bit of late-night/early-morning studying helped some. i promised myself not to think about the exams that have passed, so i'm going to ignore the nice question paper sitting in my bag. i am grateful for one little flash of inspiration, too. one of the questions involved a reagent called "m-CPBA". i was stunned at first, and asked the professor. unfortunately, she refused to tell me what it was. halfway while doing another question, the name "meta-chloroperoxybenzoic acid" just popped up. lucky it was correct, so that's another few marks secured. it's super rare that i have these kind of flashes, so i thought it was worth a mention.

there were a series of unexpected surprises today, with the paper being one of them. the other surprise was that the car was actually free for use, and NUS apparently waives parking fees on exam days. not bad...should consider driving to school more in this period.

i like getting ridiculously lost while driving. it helps me to get to know the roads better. i still find it kind of amazing how even after being driven around so much for so long, i can't recognize some junctions/roads/turns now that i'm in the driver's seat. but like i said, it's fun to get lost now and then. just have to remember not to do it when i'm rushing for time.

umm...the effects of power-napping and marathon studying have caught up with me. i think i'm going to crash for a few hours, then wake up to sort my biochem notes out by tonight. then, if i'm still missing anything (i suspect there's one particular set which i haven't printed), i'll pop by school tomorrow to print it. the paper's on monday, at 1:00pm. so i figure there's no point doing something like what i did today. i'll most likely end up waking up around 7:00am, then revise until i have to go to school (here's hoping for the car again). will also most probably have inorganic consultation after the paper. if all goes well, monday's routine will be similar to today's, since it's a 9:00am paper as well. hopefully i end up feeling as positive about the rest of my papers as i did for organic chem.

-random thought of the day: Please let Auntie Lam, Uncle Seow and Uncle John have mercy on all Chem majors.-

Indecisiveness is something i can tolerate. heck, i'm about as decisive as someone with 5 split personalities. however, changing your decision once you have committed to it is a big no-no for me. guess that's why some friends complain that i take too long to make some decisions — even simple ones. the way i see it, i'd rather that they be a little upset with the time taken for me to arrive at the best decision, as opposed to being majorly upset if/when i have to change my decision after committing to it/them.

oddly enough, this has to do with the whole car issue. last night, while at my cousin's place, my aunt somehow got wind of the plan and was telling me all about loans, interest, road tax, insurance, maintenance costs, and an assortment of other related stuff. as if i would even ask about getting a car without doing the necessary research! but i have to agree with a point she made...maintaining a car is not cheap. long story short, she tried to persuade me not to get a car. and by "persuade", i mean, "ok ah? don't get another car, hor.". i'm used to the (rather autocratic) way she speaks, because it's her character (she's close enough to be my sort-of unofficial godmother, and spending every single school holiday at her place for over ten years does play a part in getting used to it too). doesn't stop me from feeling annoyed, though.

so, how does this link to the first point about decisions? well, during the conversation, it was somehow implied that just paying for the car alone would be a larger drain on the family finances than could be managed. while i suspect that my dad has some sort of contingency plan (which probably involves a lot of econs/finance stuff, and which i will therefore not try to understand) as far as money is concerned, i can't be too sure about that. should getting a car for me not be feasible at this point in time, i would have preferred it if my dad had given me an outright "no"/"not yet" instead of getting my hopes up. it's not like i can't accept a negative answer...it's just that it's very much harder to accept a negative answer when a positive one has been implied (and therefore expected). anyway, i suppose i'm thinking too much right now. i should have more details by this coming wednesday, when the current family car will be evaluated for resale value. until then, i'm not going to worry about this too much, because there are other more important things, like...

...final exams! reading week has started, and i have a LOT of reading/practice to do. this semester, NUS wasn't kind to chem majors. our 3 core modules' final papers will be over within just 4 days. as you can tell, that doesn't leave a lot of time for studying between papers. so, i have to make the most out of this week, which means that computer time must be drastically reduced. here's my schedule/study plan for reading week:

monday — organic chem
tuesday — biochem, inorganic chem
wednesday — inorganic chem, organic chem
thursday — organic chem, inorganic chem
friday — organic chem
saturday — organic chem exam, biochem, inorganic chem
sunday — inorganic chem, biochem
monday — biochem exam, inorganic chem
tuesday — inorganic chem exam
wednesday to monday (sporadically) — philosophy
tuesday — philosophy exam, freedom!

the only possible wrenches in the gears would be (1) supporting the judo kids for their nationals on tuesday and possibly wednesday, and (2) coaching on friday. the way i see it, the first item is optional, and can be skipped if i don't feel as adequately prepared for my academics as i should be feeling at that point in time. item #2, unfortunately, is un-siammable because of the simple fact that i'm getting paid for coaching. oh well. i figure a few hours spent out of the house and yelling at primary school kids might help to relieve stress. *reminder to self: biochem is open-book. have to separate the notes properly and annotate them.*

academics aside, coaching has been pretty ok. the kids are becoming better-behaved, though their technique is still a little lacking. after friday's session, i see it as their loss. they can't do what we want = no chance of being in the competition team. no need to kill brain cells over it unnecessarily. that's not to say that i will neglect anyone, though...professionalism forbids that. it's just that we're trying to prepare a team for competition. naturally, this means that those kids who are not on the team will receive less attention, at least until the competition is over. only then can we divide focus equally again.

yesterday's training was fun! it was also the (physically) toughest session i've had in a long while. that's actually to be expected, since one old coach and one old senior came back. while i'm not for 100% militaristic-style training like that coach is prone to doing, i do think that the current students could use a little more of it in their weekly judo diet. one of the coaches also told me to play fast against a big guy, to accustom him to his opponent's playing style. if you know me, you'd know how difficult it was for me to carry that instruction out. nevertheless, i did it (or tried to do it) for a couple of minutes. it's a LOT more tiring than it looks! need to get my stamina up.

while having drinks/lunch at toa payoh after training, i was talking with one of my junior-seniors (ie. he's a senior, but still my junior). by the way, isn't that the name of a band or something?
...
sorry for the off-tangent moment. like i was saying, we were talking. to be more specific, we were talking about how lucky the juniors were to have nice seniors like us. not that we want to brag or anything, but how many seniors would buy their juniors drinks, and offer to drive them home (that's my friend's doing by the way, not me. i may consider doing that in the future, though...)? and how many seniors would be idiotic dedicated enough to come back for training at every available opportunity (that's both of us)? lastly, how many seniors would worry (often too much, and unduly) about their juniors' lives outside the CCA (that's me, and maybe him)?

you know, i've sometimes caught myself wondering — why do i go back for training? it's not like i'm being paid, but (my NCAP level one knowledge, judo experience and) i go back to teach and help out anyway. sure, the social interaction is nice, and i get to keep in somewhat better shape. i know the coach appreciates seniors going back (she's mentioned it a few times), but do the juniors have similar feelings/realizations? i honestly doubt so. in fact, i'd go as far as to say that most of them take it for granted that seniors will always be around. guess i'm feeling underappreciated. on the flipside, however, seniors are not indispensable. even if none of us went back at all, the coach would definitely have/find some way to compensate for it. so i shouldn't overemphazise the seniors' importance, too.

while mucking around (i've always wanted to use that phrase!) on facebook, i chanced upon one judo kid's profile. to make things clear and avoid potential trouble, he's not from SJI/CJC. anyway, one of his statuses read something like, "if judo is taken away from me, i will be left with nothing." ok, so he's on the national team, and judo is important to him. but i still find that to be somewhat of an exaggeration. then again, he's 14 this year, so he's entitled to think like a hormonal teenager. seriously though, that got me thinking, too. what could you take away from me in order to leave me with nothing? judo? bowling? chemistry? friends? family? values? dignity? experiences? after some thought, i'd have to say that the answer would be "all of the above". guess it's good to know that no one thing defines me, and that i'm flexible enough to survive anything, short of total and permanent amnesia. even then, i guess i'd just redefine "me", though i doubt it would be the same as the old me.

all right...i'd better head to bed. i have a date with several organic chem practice papers and a thick stack of notes tomorrow. that reminds me too — i have to make sure that i've printed all available notes to facilitate effective studying.

-random thought of the day: Must arrange consultation sessions too...-

Once in a while (which is not as rare as you may think), i catch myself wondering if i was accidentally switched at birth. reason is because there are times when i really cannot predict my parents' thoughts. it's either i don't know what they're thinking, or i end up thinking that they might be thinking something when they were actually thinking of the exact opposite thing. confused? good.

the latest in my series of misread thoughts has to do with cars. i finally mustered enough courage to broach the topic with my dad, and to my surprise, he seemed really receptive to the idea! there was some (accidental) good timing too. turns out he's planning on downgrading the family car, so there's some extra breathing room as far as budget is concerned. i showed him my top few picks, and from his reaction, i think he'd rather get a japanese brand car as opposed to the chevrolet i've been eyeing. that's fine, i suppose; functionality/reliability takes precedence over brand/looks. paradoxically, he wants me to get an older car (about 6 to 7 years old) instead of a newer one. guess it's so that he won't feel so heart-pain if/when it gets a little roughed up. it would also reduce the time between buying and scrapping. i'm not too sure about the details, but there's some cost-savings in there somewhere. i told him that i would call the salesmen for extra information anyway, even if it's just to find out whether the ads are as good as they sound.

the other thing that kind of surprised me is that my dad encouraged me to go for manual transmission. i more or less expected him to push me towards automatic, seeing as it's way more brainless to drive. not to mention driving manual risks stalling the car, especially when moving off on slopes. but, i'm kind of happy he prefers me to drive manual, seeing as that's my preference as well. i know automatic is easier, but i feel more involved driving manual. probably helps to ensure that i don't fall asleep at the wheel, too. besides, what's the point of getting a manual license if i don't use the "manual" component?

now, i have to pause for the obligatory reality check. as mentioned earlier, brand is NOT everything. neither are looks. if my dad recommends something which i don't really fancy, i should take a step back and see things from HIS point of view. after all, he wouldn't recommend something bad. at the same time, i should be objective in weighing pros and cons and not force any issues (even though i'll be the one driving it most of the time, so individual preference does matter a little). at the end of the day, i believe a compromise is reachable.

coaching tomorrow. the kids fed back that they had fun under me, so that's good. last time, i mentioned that i have to start tightening up on discipline. to the kids, it seems that "fun" and "discipline" are mutually exclusive. i have to find some way for them to have fun while behaving within certain limits. not easy.

-random thought of the day: Must study also!-

Quick update before bed...

my previous post's next-post prompt says that i want to blog about something philosophical. let me present it in question form: is it worth it to allow your dislike for/of/towards one person to overwhelm your like for the organization that that person belongs to? for instance, ASSUMING HYPOTHETICALLY that i really really dislike one of the primary school kids, and that kid was selected for the school competition team. as the coach, i'm supposed to want the team to get good results, and win if possible. just because someone whose guts i hate is representing the school that i'm coaching, is it morally/professionally permissible for me to hope that my school loses, just so that that person won't get a medal and will feel horrible? personally, i figure it's ok, as long as i keep my mouth shut and don't tell another soul.

that's all fine and good, but what if the person comes up to me and asks me for help/advice during the competition? as his coach, i'm duty-bound to address his problem to the best of my ability. or i could direct him to the head coach. but assuming no such alternatives are available, i'd end up having to help him anyway. i guess it comes down to the level of commitment. if i'm there in a "coach" role, i'd have no choice but to help him. but if i'm there in the capacity of a senior/spectator, i'm not thusly obligated, even if i have the knowledge to do so. but what if my advice is the deciding factor between win and lose? of course, i wouldn't know it at that time, but what if the coach says the exact same thing that i would have said, and adds, "you wouldn't have lost if you'd done that."? it would make me feel guilty, i suppose, but all in all, i think it boils down to which is stronger — your dislike of that ONE person, or how badly you want the team to win. it's thus really really subjective. arrgh.

one more thing i mentioned in the last post is the importance of punctuation. take this example. "I'm sorry, i love you" versus "I'm sorry i love you". amazing what a single comma can do, huh? somehow, i think i went from the first to the second already. i don't know for sure, but i'll find out sometime next week.

doing car research has led me to come up with a theory. it's kind of an extension of murphy's law, and it goes something like, "you can only ever find a car which fits 90% of your criteria at best. there will ALWAYS be at least one aspect that prevents it from being the perfect car.". case in point: i've been looking at chevrolet aveo5s. yes, i'm more or less settled on the model. anyway, i saw this really good one...less than 5 years old, decent mileage, reasonable price, but it's orange. not that i mind too much, but the registration date (day and month) is one which i'd rather not have...it's linked to bad things in my life. another example: the car has low mileage, decent features, and was just serviced. sure, the price is at the maximum of my range, but i'm fine with that, considering it's just over 3 years old. pretty good value, actually. only problem is, it's BRIGHT RED *twitches*. i suppose i could overlook that in a pinch, but i'd prefer something less outstanding. at any rate, i still have yet to run the idea past my dad, so this is still kind of presumptuous. we'll see how things go.

-random thought of the day: Must maintain indifference!-

Leaving depressing stuff as the top post isn't good for my mood, so i figured that i'd push it down with some updates.

yesterday's symmetry group presentation went pretty well, though we overshot the time limit by 10 minutes or so (mainly my fault here). to think i was scared that we wouldn't have enough content to last the full 45 minutes! anyway, aside from the written report, this particular module is over and done with. that's a relief, because that's one arrow i can throw away, and hence, i can spend more time focusing on my other modules. at least that's the theory. who knows what the practical will be like?

skipped school today to go for the judo nationals. CJC didn't get any medals yet, but SJI got B-division third. i'll probably end up talking to the kids tomorrow about the results, so no point posting my opinion here. it was quite an eye-opener today. saw some new things, like a hansoku-make (disqualification) and someone winning by hiza-guruma (knee wheel), which is a really basic white-belt level throw that requires excellent timing to pull off in competition. going down was definitely worthwhile.

after even more research, the quest for a good second-hand car has turned up even more candidates! right now, my focus has shifted from the lancer to the chevrolet aveo5. it's about the same price as the lancer, but with cheaper road tax and probably a lower insurance premium too. not to mention it's a hatchback, and is thus smaller and probably easier to park. of course, there are tradeoffs, like an engine capacity of 1.4L as compared to the lancer's 1.6L. but i figure the 200cc difference won't kill me. in fact, it may be better, considering i'm relatively new to driving and all. next question: manual or automatic? the manual one is about $3000 cheaper, but was registered 7 months earlier and has 30 000+km of extra mileage. but its fuel economy is probably better (the ad says it gets 17km per litre of petrol...which is a claim that i'm taking with a lot of salt) than the automatic one. it's kind of difficult to decide now due to other unknowns, so i'll probably ask my dad which one he prefers and see whether a test drive can be arranged anytime soon. personally, i have this odd feeling that i'll end up going for the manual...but that remains to be seen.

of course, i must pause here and remind myself that it is not guaranteed that i WILL get a car. it's just a proposition/idea at this point in time. a "yes" answer is a bonus, so if the answer is "no", i shouldn't get angry or do anything stupid like that. i promise to at least listen to the reasons for/against the idea first, and to evaluate them impartially. that's part of my scientist training, after all.

as for project non-existence, it went pretty well today. have to keep it up. be firm. only then can/will i succeed. there's something rather philosophical linked to this, but i'll blog about that next time. right now, i want to sleep.

-random thought of the day: Punctuation matters. More on that next time as well.-

Getting me down usually takes more than an idiotic person, an annoying situation, and a sucky grade combined. normally, i consider myself somewhat of an optimist. so why am i feeling so helpless and depressed now? lately, it seems that everywhere i turn, i'm faced with negative stuff. from school, to judo, to various other more minor things. what's worse, it's getting difficult to see the bright sides in some of these situations.

take school, for instance. remember i mentioned that i had to do an online assessment for biochem? well, it was because i missed a surprise quiz (in the form of a crossword puzzle) held during lecture. it's not like i missed it on purpose; i had lab which clashed with the lecture time. what's more, that quiz wasn't even supposed to be worth anything in the final grade. the professor mis-allocated the marks for another graded assignment, and pushed 0.5% of the grade to the quiz. i know, you're thinking that 0.5% is nothing to make a fuss about. and it isn't. it's the whole principle of the thing. if the makeup was one of those where full credit would be given for any attempt at all, i would feel much less indignant, because that's how it was for the initial crossword. anyone who attempted it got full credit, regardless of correct/wrong answers. for the makeup assessment, we had to answer 5 questions (worth 0.1% each) in 10 minutes, which is basically one question per 2 minutes...or exam conditions. to be fair to the professor, he's actually a really good teacher...provided you toe the line at all times, and can guess what he's thinking. he doesn't make that easy, either. too bad that he's so rigid about marks. well, that's where the semester staff review comes in.

as for judo, what's affecting me happens to be linked to the previous post. i'm not pointing people out, but to guard against possible conflict/misunderstanding, the person mentioned is not a coach or alumnus. actually, i realize that if any of our mutual friends know exactly who i am and read through the posts, it would be ridiculously easy to identify the other person in question. anyway, after some more thought, i have decided to take the simplest course of action: give up. in other words, that person will no longer exist to me, unless there are mitigating factors/circumstances. i figure that a fan page on facebook was right after all — don't make someone a priority if they only make you an option. so that's that. i'll talk to the person once more on tuesday to give them something, but no more after that. promise.

one more minor thing which kind of annoyed me today was that my dad kind of forgot that he had agreed to let me use the car to go around for tuition. we both realized that when he said that he had to use it for work-related stuff. it's really kind of difficult to weigh up who needs the car more, because both of us need it for serious things. i wouldn't have minded if he had told me about it earlier, like last night. that way, i could have worked out a contingency plan which would most likely involve getting up about an hour earlier to take public transport. not that i'd mind doing so. the infuriating thing was that i was ready to leave the house with barely enough time to drive there, only to be told that i couldn't drive there after all. way to spoil plans.

of course, there's the other side of the argument which says that the consequences of me being late for tuition are not as severe as those of my dad being late for his function. besides, the car is registered under his name anyway, so he has more of a claim to it than i do, and he has the right to override my claim at the last minute. maybe it's because i'm actually involved in this (and hence not the most neutral of judges), but i have MAJOR issues with that train of thought. perhaps a neutral reader can explain whether my annoyance is justified?

but taking a step back, i also have to remind myself that all things car- and driving-related are WANTS, not NEEDS. sure, the ability to drive around whenever you want to makes things way more convenient, but i can live without it. in addition, i'm only 21.5 years old. i'm sure that there are millions of people who are the same age as me (or even older) who don't even have driving licenses, let alone a car of their own (rhyme!). so, i don't really have the right to feel angry, do i? in fact, i should feel grateful that i'm privileged enough to have the chance to drive occasionally. i just wish i could get myself to really believe that. sounds like spoilt-kid syndrome, doesn't it?

whenever i write my problems out here, they somehow seem smaller-sized than when they were floating about in my head. the wonders of blogging, huh? i think i'd best leave these problems here, lest my brain spoil further in the process of working them out. looking forward, the next week seems kind of busy. long day on monday, going for nationals on tuesday, training on wednesday, and coaching on friday leaves thursday for study. shows my priorities are kind of messed up. anyway, the studying must start. as i just reminded one of my friends, finals are in about 2 weeks' time. better make good use of whatever time remains.

-random thought of the day:
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Search through all 911 of my previous posts (912, including this one), and you'll realize that in my entire blogging history, i've only ever fully spelt out the f-word in four posts. even then, two of them were used in a different context, which means that i've only been angry enough to use that word negatively in two out of 912 posts. last night/this morning, i had the urge to do it again in the latest post (i.e. this one). in fact, that particular urge hasn't quite left me yet...but i shall keep it under control.

from the rarity of my usage of that word (while blogging, at least), and my temptation to use it now, i guess it shouldn't come as a surprise that something really managed to get under my skin. i think that this is the first time i've actually lost sleep over something! i went to bed at 12:50 last night/this morning, where i proceeded to think and emo until 3:30am, fell asleep, woke up at 5:30am, fell back asleep at 5:45am, and finally woke up at 8:30am to get ready for training. i didn't even hear my 8:00am alarm! luckily, i managed to survive through the training session (more on that later).

back to the initial topic, i guess in a way, i did kind of deserve what happened. karma is a bitch after all. you see, i did something similar to someone on my ORD day some time ago (in hindsight, i'm not all that proud of it. in fact, i wonder what possessed me to think that it was a good idea!??), and i guess it's just my turn to be on the receiving end now. no doubt there were different circumstances, and what i did was probably minutely more justifiable. still, there were even more peaceful methods of solving the problem, which i ignored in a fit of ORD-induced madness. so i probably still do deserve it this time. and you know what the chinese say about paying back debts with interest? i only involved 15 people at most back then. here, it was done on facebook, where the person involved and i share about 35 mutual friends...not to mention that that person's entire friend list of 200+ people can see it too (of course, the majority won't know me. but STILL...). taking these factors into account, i think that's interest enough.

so now that that particular thing has been done, i guess the next question to ask is, "where do we go from here?". my answer? i honestly don't know. for now, i've decided that i shall have nothing further to do with the person involved. and that sucks, because i kind of liked that person before this. oh well. you can't win them all. i just hope that that person knows the implication of their actions by now. if not, they'll find out really soon.

i think this might not have been such a big deal if i had been in a better mood prior to catching sight of the incriminating message. but as luck would have it, i saw the message after dealing with 23 primary school kids (more on that later as well). so...what good mood is there to speak of? anyway, i won't let this bog me down too much. after all, life goes on. there are things to do, people to see, notes to study, presentations to give, finals to screw up take...you get the idea. so, let's talk about other pleasantly-distracting things, such as...

...coaching! saw the primary school kids for the first time in 2 months or so yesterday. turns out the training plan i prepared was WAY too optimistic. i had intended to get through 2 drills with them, but we barely made it past 1. as i see it now, there are maybe 6 or so people who show potential to be on the team. the rest are just tagging along for the ride. but who knows? maybe some of the others may surprise me in the upcoming 2 weeks. as much as i doubt it, it never hurt to hope, right? reminder to self: need to start tightening up the discipline already.

on the judo end, things are looking ok. the kids are stressed, because the nationals are coming up in (literally) a couple of days. personally, i don't really think that the kids are 100% prepared, especially the lower belt colours. not that the coaches have been slacking or anything, just that there wasn't enough time. i don't think they'll do TOO badly, though. here's hoping, at least.

two more topics before i end off, and they are cars and arrows. cars first. i really should have brought the topic of getting a second-hand car up sooner. turns out the one i had my eye on was sold in the past 3 days or so, which sucks. worse thing is, prices are going up! thursday's newspaper had an article on how COE prices hit a ten-year high or something like that. logically, it follows that the price for new cars will go up. and that will cause the price of second-hand cars to go up too, because more consumers will now choose to buy second-hand (yay limited econs knowledge!). conclusion: i/my parents (aka. sponsors) actually might save a bit if we decided to get a car now, as opposed to say, october or even later. and following that conclusion, logical next step: show my dad the research, as well as inform him about the rising prices (though i expect he knows already). possible outcomes: either new car for me, or something will prevent that from happening. i can already guess the 3 most likely "somethings", but i won't say anything yet. after all, i don't want to look like an idiot if my prediction goes wrong.

last thing, about arrows. i have two major ones, and two minor ones. major ones being the symmetry group presentation and written report, while the minor ones are some online assessment and perhaps tuition. my plan is to finish the assessment tonight, and at least start on the powerpoint for symmetry. then, tomorrow will be used to finish up whatever's left, maybe give tuition, and to go over to my boss' place to settle the primary school's training plan. looks like a busy day ahead, so i think i'd better get started on work soon.

-random thought of the day: Blogging clears my mind.-

Exams start in about 3 weeks' time. unfortunately, my brain and self-discipline have decided to take last-minute vacations to somewhere reasonably far away. such good timing, eh? murphy's law at work again. at least i got the important stuff done, like handing in my (graded) assignments on time. only thing i didn't do was to attend today's classes, which means i have to play catch-up myself. call me weird for saying this, but i kind of wish that the university system was a bit more like JC, where people actually cared about whether you showed up for class. i know most people would probably like to kill me for making that previous statement, but yes, that's how i feel. guess the "independence" gene isn't fully expressed in my DNA. lame biochem joke aside, i should probably clean up my act a little, even if it's just for the next month while exams are on. after that, i get to slack all i want for 3 months!

over the long weekend, nothing really interesting happened. friday was spent catching up on R&R, while saturday was spent finishing up the urgent arrows. sunday was a little different. went to give tuition again, for the first time in about 2 months. managed to get the car, which saved a hell lot of time. for my second solo drive, i'd say things went ok...though my skill could definitely be improved. all my parking attempts went well, and i'm grateful for that. incidentally, i found out that that particular tuition kid lives really close to NUS! driving from his place to school (i had to print something) took like 15 minutes, and i was driving slowly while trying to figure out the right road to take. for comparison: driving from home to NUS takes me 20 minutes, and what's more, i'm sure of the directions, so i drive a little faster. anyway, going to school on sunday was kind of interesting. nice change to see "ghost town"-NUS, instead of "packed like sardines"-NUS. as an even nicer surprise, parking was free! wasn't expecting that. i think i could get used to driving around...

speaking of which, i've been looking around second-hand car websites recently. but i've mentioned that before. after talking to my cousin, i've reached 2 conclusions. (1) the vios is off my list of potential choices, and (2) it's impractical for me to get a car now. the reason why vios has been kicked off the list is because all the meters and gauges are in the centre of the dashboard. that's kind of disturbing for me, since i'm used to my meters being directly in front. i know the designers/engineers probably have accounted for this, but there's this nagging fear of parallax error when checking my speed on offset meters. oh well. i think that narrowing down my choices is a good thing, since i can then focus on fewer models. come to think of it, i'm favouring the lancer more than the jazz right now, mainly due to price concerns. but there's the issue of road tax as well. lancer's tax is $734 per year, while the jazz's is $590 per year. after doing some very brief/rough calculations, seems like the lancer is still more worth it...unless i intend on driving the same car for more than 20 years (extremely unlikely) or unless i get the jazz at maximally $1000 more than the typical lancer price. then, the cost will be offset after 5 years. if prices stand as they are now, the lancer is still cheaper than the jazz, and will continue to be so even after 20 years of driving.

conclusion 2 was reached due to a number of factors. things like whether it's financially possible, how often i drive, and hidden costs...such as petrol, parking, servicing, insurance, ERP, etc.. all things considered, it's probably not worth it, since the only time i foresee myself really NEEDING to drive is on sundays for tuition, and perhaps on wednesdays because there's training. even then, it's just to save time, since i've been coping by using public transportation on tuition days before i passed (and even after i passed, too!). not to mention there'll definitely be a reacclimatization period if i'm driving manual. so, i think my dream will last longer, though i'm not adverse to the idea of somehow acquiring a nice, small, second-hand car, if any readers are feeling generous enough.

arrgh. car-like thoughts seem to be stuck in my brain. you know, i'm almost tempted to just ask my dad what the chances of me getting a car are. it would definitely put my suspicions/doubts to rest, but i'm also afraid of getting a negative answer. according to my guesstimation, the odds are 85% that the answer will be negative. so...should i be content to wait, or go ahead and take action? logically, the latter course of action is more realistic. after all, it's not like i'll lose anything (except hope) by asking. it would also put my mind at rest, since i can find out the reasons for the answer. i think i just might bring the topic up soon.

moving back to reality, my next 2 biggest arrows are the primary school training plan and the symmetry group presentation. i'm not too worried about the former, since i have at least the first lesson done up...but the latter just might kill me. i have to spend about 15 minutes talking about symmetry in routines/cycles. based on the current outline i have in mind, i think i'll be lucky if i can make it past the 5-minute mark. looks like more research is in order. annoying.

-random thought of the day: Reminder to self — I am first and foremost a student.-

Final word on the belts: they're doing their job, and feel much stronger than they look. but true to expectation, it feels too soft, and the knot comes undone too easily. no big deal though, since i can use the super-formal, anti-slip way of tying my belt all the time now, instead of just on grading days. i figure that troublesome as it may be, it's good practice since black belts have to be tied that way anyway. might as well start early, right?

today was kind of a...not-so-good day. i mean, it wasn't HORRIBLY depressing, but the fact that i flunked the organic mid-term can't bring too much happiness, can it? come to think of it, this is the very first time i have failed a chem test or exam. and i only have myself to blame for not studying aromaticity all that well. at least my lab reports (A+, A, B...if memory serves) will help to pull me up. on the positive side, i'm guaranteed not to repeat the mistakes made in this mid-term. after all, there's nothing quite like a shocker to make sure a lesson is never forgotten, right?

over the long weekend, i have to catch up on several things...namely my biochem assignment, philosophy paper (final version), symmetry group presentation, and training plan. if all goes well, the first 2 will be finished by tomorrow or saturday morning at the latest. the other 2 can wait for a little while longer, since my presentation's in a couple of weeks' time, and i'll only see the primary school kids the following friday. that reminds me — i need to get either tape or post-its to mark the lanes.

for some reason, i haven't been sleeping as well as i normally do. i've been waking up due to that "pins and needles" feeling in my arms. i'm guessing that my sleeping position somehow cuts off the blood flow. funny, since this only started recently. mmm...think i need to find a more comfortable sleeping position, or try to identify what changed and caused this problem. in fact, i think i'll call it an early night and go do that now.

-random thought of the day: It's only a mid-term...don't stress too much.-