You all know what time it is, folks. it briefly occurred to me that today's not just the end of the year, but also the end of a decade. so, perhaps i'll have a little extra bit for that.

to start, i was kind of undecided on this year's theme. eventually, i decided to go with "false starts". it's pretty self-explanatory, i think. this year was supposed to be me breaking free from the sanctuary of NUS and starting the journey of my adult life, being a productive member of society, earning money and becoming independent...all that jazz. that didn't happen. or rather, it didn't happen to the extent/degree that i envisioned.

let's talk about work first. i've had and lost my first full-time job within the span of a year. it's an experience that not everyone goes through. i have to remind myself that this isn't a failure on my end, but just a setback - one of many that i'll meet in life. i've come to terms that being a patent attorney may not be the best career choice for me. i mean, although the pay was leaning to the higher end, i found myself consistently working extra hours, being stressed out, having to negotiate minor office politics, and just being generally unhappy...all while still on probation! plus, the reading and literature searches were taxing. i enjoy reading scientific papers and finding out about new technology, but not when there are deadlines to be observed and details to be scrutinized. there were several silver linings, though; i learnt about the patent system in singapore and in some of the surrounding countries, and that gives me added knowledge. i had good colleagues that made work easier, and who were appropriately sympathetic when regaled with my experiences with my mentor. we're not in touch now, but i don't blame them. after all, everyone has their own lives to lead. as for my mentor/superiors there, i'm grateful for the life lessons that interacting with them has taught me. the corporate world is less friendly, less forgiving, and more demanding. having said that, i hope i never cross paths with them again...especially the person who was supposed to be my mentor. don't get me wrong, i don't wish her ill, but neither do i wish her well. i'm basically indifferent to her. like, if she needed a favour from me (and was thick-skinned enough to approach me), i wouldn't go out of my way at all to do anything, no matter the consequences for her. similarly, i'd never approach her for anything. i just hope that we don't have any mutual connections beyond the people from the firm.

on the other hand, my time at the learning lab has been far more enjoyable. might be because the job is demanding in a way that i can better handle, or because it's more within my comfort zone/realm of experience. and very likely because i have less responsibility there. not to mention the great colleagues, and the infinitely better mentor! i do know that while i like the job, i don't like it enough to make a full-time career out of it. so that's another learning point.

nothing new on the relationship front. i'm not surprised, since i haven't really been putting myself on the market. but i didn't plan on getting into a relationship, anyway. i mean, if one came along my way, i wouldn't mind...but i didn't have a goal/objective of being partnered this year. i do think that i do have much to work on before being mentally ready for a relationship. that kind of ties on to the next thing, which is...

...my physical condition. i'm grateful for a year of no serious illnesses. the most i had were some stomach bugs and the occasional cold/flu. while my body appears to be running just fine, i'm still not in good shape. that's because i've not been putting in the requisite effort to exercise and all that. it's due to both laziness and depression, though i cannot say which contributed more. although i've made a start my consciously choosing to eat more healthily, the exercise component will be something that i have to work harder on in the new year and beyond. mentally, i won't deny that my confidence took a (severe) beating from the job issue. i find it quite odd that i was able to survive all the failure encountered during grad school, but not at that job. maybe because i knew that my professor would always have my back. anyway. throughout the year, i've also found myself increasingly wanting to live alone. there are push and pull factors, as with most things, but the factors are primarily "push" in this particular case. i think that it would be better for me to live away from the people that i'm forced to share living space with right now, and i'll work towards that goal in future.

friends-wise, it's been an ok year. we (some of the chemistry guys) did go to china to celebrate our friend's wedding, and i think that those were some of the happiest days of my year. unfortunately, we haven't had the chance to meet up for almost half a year, if not more. i don't blame them - work and/or married life is bound to keep people busy. we've got an open date to meet, but i suppose it also depends when everyone's schedules align. as usual, scary JC friend and i maintained our friendship, and i think we even got a little closer due to her starting to date my secondary school friend at the beginning of the year. it's nice how we're not always at the foreground of each others' lives, but can be relied upon to appear if needed.

continuing on the topic of friendships, one of the things that seem to have worked out for the better this year is joining the present guild in final fantasy. i think having relatively older people be in charge helps to keep the environment drama-free. i've met most of the core team in real life already, save for the few who are overseas, and i think that helped to establish some trust as well. not going to be melodramatic and say that they saved me from depression or anything like that, but they sure helped to lift my spirits and make the game more enjoyable.

now, to very quickly look at the past decade on a whole. i've accomplished a fair bit. i mean, didn't save the world or anything, but i think that i did well in some areas, not so well for others. i suppose i would count my biggest achievement as graduating (twice!) from NUS. i also got my black belt in judo, although that won't be used any more. there were many firsts, like first time travelling overseas alone, owning my first car, first time moving house, first time in a relationship, first time breaking up. along the way, i've had my moments of brilliance, but i've also made decisions that were unwise, risky, even downright stupid. luckily, those bad decisions didn't result in any major consequence. all in all, i think that compared to 21 year-old me, 31 year-old me is wiser, calmer, more ready to listen and less ready to act rashly. those are the good things. the bad things include being more injured and many kilos heavier. can't do much about the former, but there's still hope for the latter. don't want 41 year-old me to look back in 10 year's time and regret even more, right?

so, i guess i'll end it here. i'm still alive, so there's always the possibility to improve my current situation. have to elaborate on things i can do to that effect tomorrow.

-random thought of the day: Remain positive!-

Little update to cover a few things which i feel won't fit into tomorrow's post.

this past saturday, we had an extended family lunch organized by my aunt. there were 4 babies in attendance. FOUR! makes me feel old. my eldest niece doesn't seem to remember me, and that's probably because i haven't been visiting her often. as heartless as it'll make me sound, i don't feel any particularly strong feelings of attachment/affection to the other 3 babies there. i mean, i'd be happy to be the uncle that drops in occasionally to play with them, or like, babysit them once or twice a year. but i wouldn't want to be around them all the time. could it be my relationship with their parents? don't get me wrong, we get along well enough as cousins, but there are different levels of closeness even then. should bear in mind that parents (and teachers) aren't supposed to have favourites, but they always do, deep down. the key is to not make it apparent or let it affect parenting/teaching. that should apply across to uncle-hood too.

plan "get lawyer guy a present" kind of backfired. i think he felt uncomfortable that i spent real-life cash on him, though it was under SGD 10. he also maxed out his second class, which means there really isn't much reason for us to be partying together to do content. well, he did start a third class, but he boosted it to level 70. i think we've got pretty different objectives in-game. he seems to be all about the raiding, whereas raiding is but just one part of the game for me. and you know how i feel about people skipping the story and boosting characters. but still, it's not my account, and those are legitimate services offered by the developers anyway. i think that nothing will come out of this romantically, but he's still a nice person and guildmate. going to just zen out and not close off the possibility of us ending up together, but also not go after it too much.

i had a bit of a kaypoh moment and went to take a look at the guild which kicked me out. the sad thing i noticed was that a lot of the characters with administrative powers were alternate characters belonging to the guild master. well...maybe it's for the best that i left. i doubt i'd be able to progress far with that kind of organizational structure. the master's another one who believes in paying real money to get an in-game advantage. thankfully, while final fantasy is "pay to get ahead", it's not "pay to win". another thing i noticed was that most of the people i saw when i joined the guild had also left. and superficial as it sounds, the guy who i kind of was attracted to suddenly looks less attractive. might also be his personality, which i'm realizing is not really what i'm looking for in a long-term partner. sure, he's got many virtues, but the overall pieces of his puzzle don't fit well with mine, for lack of a better analogy.

guess that's it for now. year-end post coming within the next 24 hours!

-random thought of the day: Sleep schedule is still off.-

Merry christmas! or happy holidays, if you don't celebrate...you get the idea. don't really feel all too festive this year, not even when CNY is exactly a month away. but that's par for the course for the past 5 years or so. not sure about the direction in which i want to take this post, so be prepared for disjointed thoughts.

was talking to an in-game friend in final fantasy a couple of days ago. i was telling her (yes, girls who game do exist) about my recent spate of weird dreams. she thinks that it's got to do with unresolved issues. seems to be the story of my life for this year. i don't know if that's really the cause of my dreams, though. if that were the case, wouldn't i be dreaming of those unresolved issues, instead of things from the past like my A-levels, and most recently, about my thesis comments and defense? i don't know. this dreaming thing isn't an exact science. maybe the link is more subtle/hidden. although i don't see what links i have with the mafia, to be dreaming of them...

didn't do much for christmas this year, as you might have guessed. only gave one christmas gift so far, and that's to my learning lab mentor. she continues to be amazing in terms of supporting me and being available when i need advice, and i think that people like her are a key reason for employee retainment in any organization. if only my mentor in the IP firm was like her, or even half as good...but i'll blog about that in the year-end post. am considering gifting lawyer guy something in-game, like an emote, but i don't know if it'll be seen as too forward, or unwelcome, or somehow make him feel obligated to give me something back. to look at it more positively, it may be a talking point, or it may be something that brings us closer. might as well, right, since i'm also planning to get some stuff for myself. maybe the trick is to choose something not too expensive, but that he'll (hopefully) like.

this gifting thing led to me thinking if i'm placing too much emphasis/focus on the wrong people. you know how it's like people say that we tend to spend our time/money/resources impressing the people who don't actually matter, while neglecting those who do matter? yeah, like that. not saying that it's the right thing to do, but my guess is we do that because the people who shouldn't matter actually do matter in a different way. like, say, your boss, who writes your appraisal. or that guy/girl you're chasing in the hope that s/he ends up being the love of your life. hope i haven't been (too) guilty of that. although it's difficult sometimes, because people have their own lives to lead as well, and not everyone is stuck in limbo like me. having said that, perhaps i should check in on the chemistry guys. it's been a while since we last met.

there's a practice of shortening words and phrases when texting. shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone who's been exposed to technology from the past 10 years. i feel that some of these contractions are genuinely useful, but not so much for others. recently, a common thing is to shorten the word "sorry" to "sry". and just like with "you" to "u", this annoys me by a disproportionate amount. i mean, it's just an omission of 2 letters, right? what's the big deal? i can't explain it completely, but my current thought is that it makes the apology less meaningful, somehow. i don't know. maybe i'm thinking too much here. it's been known to happen.

very unexpectedly, N messaged me earlier today. if memory serves, we haven't talked, let alone met up, for more than a year. he just wanted to check in, which i thought was a nice gesture. like i mentioned before, i don't think our friendship really recovered from what happened back then. maybe it's just me...i don't feel that close to him any more. the next logical question to ask, i guess, is whether i want to spend the required time and effort to rebuild this friendship. i feel pretty ambivalent about it, and that kind of speaks for itself. well...what will be, will be.

-random thought of the day: Why do my keyboard and mouse feel sticky?-

Feeling a little conflicted now, and it's probably not helped by the less-than-restful sleep that i've been getting. seriously, i've had weird dreams every single night for at least the past week. perhaps i need to change something up in my daily routine...maybe sleeping and waking times?

so, i'd guess the main reason for these conflicted feelings is that what i think i should do doesn't match up with what i'd like to do. i'd like to just tell lawyer guy that i'm interested in him, and hopefully he'd be agreeable to at least give dating a try. but i think that i shouldn't rock the boat now, for reasons amply expounded upon in previous posts. it's not helping that i'm getting irrational feelings of...worry? possessiveness? fear (of losing time with him)? due to some circumstances in-game. a part of me wonders if i should just tell him, get rejected, and move on, but another part of me kind of wants to keep the hope alive.

you know, there are 2 main schools of thought when it comes to people wanting things (including relationships). one school is "if it's meant to be yours, it will be yours eventually". that's kind of passive. the contrasting alternative is "you should fight for what you want". i guess that's the philosophy that gave rise to homewreckers. not to say that the third party is always solely to blame; after all, cheating requires consent from both parties involved in the affair. my own view is a mix of the two - "what's meant to be yours will come to you eventually, but there are things you can do to speed up the process/increase your odds". it's the "lead a horse to water" thing again. everything you want can be placed in front of you, but you have to reach out for them, too. maybe now you can see why i'm having trouble waiting despite it being the "right" thing to do. but knowing myself, there is a more-than-average chance i'll mess things up more if i take any action. so, i guess it just boils down to me having to convince myself that waiting is the best possible thing that i can do at this point. as you can see, it's not always easy.

i met scary JC friend and our mutual friend this past thursday for afternoon beer, which turned into afternoon margaritas because the beer place they wanted to go to was closed. note to self: afternoon alcohol is a bad idea. could also have been me drinking on an empty stomach. anyway, moral of the story is to avoid alcohol as much as possible. i don't quite understand why people like getting drunk, especially since the recovery becomes so much rougher with age. we spent close to 5 hours chatting about several things, mostly about finance-related stuff, since our friend is an insurance agent and remiser. he was telling us about how some people around our age had quite sizeable stock portfolios, and about some others who could live comfortably off their stock dividends alone, and about a friend of his in goldman-sachs who made $6000 a month as an intern. it made me feel inadequate/behind in a way, because i honestly don't have much to my name. without doing detailed calculations, i'd guess that my net worth is under $50000. then again, i should also remember than i am relatively unburdened. no mouths to feed or anything like that. i'll talk about it more in my end-of-year post, but perhaps this year can be regarded as a break of sorts.

the meeting also (re-)confirmed something for me - that i've been gaining weight. it's due to me being not very active in the latter half of this year. while i know that at least a part of it is attributable to that bout of depression, it still feels like i'm making excuses. depression as a reason for not doing something sounds so flimsy to me. might be because i've only been exposed to the "suck it up" mentality that's typical of asian upbringing, and serving NS, which reinforced that mindset. honestly, even today, i still don't get why some people had so much difficulty adapting to regimented army life, like staying in camp. but well...i think that the reminder for myself here would be that just because i don't see/experience a problem, doesn't mean that the problem doesn't exist. everyone processes things differently, and we should have empathy towards others. makes me wonder where we draw the line between accommodating people and calling them out for faking/being too entitled, but that's a topic for another day.

back to my main point - i should do something about it. from previous experience, i tend to go at it too hard and fast, and end up burning out. that results in an unsustainable regimen, or worse, injuries. so, the plan is to (do my best to) ignore judgmental looks from others in the gym, and lift whatever weight i feel that i'm capable of. in addition, i'll aim to do workouts at fixed times each day. figure it's easier to get into a routine that way. will also look into stuff outside of the gym, maybe walks along the park connector. this will help add some variety to the mix. and most importantly, to be super disciplined when it comes to food. if i want to see a change, i'll have to commit to making it happen. right now, i have anywhere between 4 to 9 months left in singapore, depending on which path to japan opens up. regardless, my aim is to end up in japan in 2020. so, the idea is to use my remaining time in singapore to get in better shape. it really is quite downing to notice the changes over a few months. will probably elaborate on this in a future post.

for now, i'll just relax and attempt to find peace for the lawyer guy situation. am kind of considering talking to the guild leader about it, but i don't think that i'll take that step unless something really necessitates it.

-random thought of the day: My gel wrist rest is leaking.-

Going to avoid blogging about lawyer guy for a change, and blog about some other thoughts instead.

been doing meal prep for this past month, but with a difference. previously, i'd tried to incorporate a variety of vegetables and proteins into my plans, but i realized that that was more trouble than it was worth. so, i've taken a more simple approach: 2 types of vegetables, 2 types of fish. decided to cut chicken out because fish is supposedly healthier, although i'm not 100% sure of that now, with the stories about toxic norwegian farmed salmon and all...but i shall choose to believe that the AVA is being vigilant and not allowing poisoned fish to reach consumers. so, the plan now is to have 2 containers of food to mix every day - a lunchbox of mixed mushroom saute, and a larger container of boiled cabbage (inspired by the TCM therapist's 水煮白菜 story). doesn't sound the most appetizing, but i find it palatable enough. yes, i'm technically cheating by counting "mixed mushrooms" as one vegetable, but it's just a minor detail. the quantities work out such that about $80 worth of groceries lasts for about 1 to 1.5 weeks, meaning that each meal costs in the neighbourhood of $5. not bad, if i do say so myself. i also had an interesting learning moment while doing the previous round of meal prep. i must have been off of my cooking game or something, because i grossly oversalted the mushrooms. in a rare moment of genius, i didn't salt the boiled cabbage at all. when the two were combined together and reheated, the salt balanced out just fine. maybe it's my mind playing tricks on me, but i felt that this method allowed me to taste the sweetness of the cabbage better. should try it again.

another thing i learned about cooking, in conjunction with seasoning less, is the power of bones. so because i buy whole fish, the people at the fish counter also give me the heads and backbones of the fish after they've processed it for me. i usually throw the bones in together with the cabbage and let it all boil together, and it tastes good. since i didn't season the pot so strongly last time, i was able to taste a more pronounced fish flavour in the soup/water. as pretentious/poncey as it'll make me sound, the fish flavour came through from the soup as quite light and delicate. it was probably hidden by the other seasonings that i normally used, so i'm probably going to go lighter on the seasoning from now on. i wonder if i've been taking the western cooking maxim of "season well or else it'll be tasteless" too far.

decided to cut back on the whole fermentation thing. my objective for doing it was to make vegetables taste better, and to have a ready source of snack food on standby. yeah...turns out that i still don't really care for munching on raw vegetables. i mean, the fermentation did make them taste (marginally) better, and i quite enjoyed the added sourness. but overall, it was still rather one-dimensional. i guess it just didn't live up to my expectations. would pickling be better? apart from the lack of interesting taste, the quantity/volume of production was another issue too; i was consuming the vegetables far too slowly. it was to the point where my sauerkraut turned alcoholic, and mould began to grow in my jar of fermented carrots/celery. yes, i hear all of you yelling for me to put them in the fridge to slow the fermentation process and prevent mould growth, but nah. i've still got fermented onions from more than a month ago in there! only the jar of fermented garlic continues to survive well under room conditions, and that's probably only because garlic is antibacterial/antifungal/antimicrobial...anti-something, anyway. so, the takeaway here is to be more judicious with quantities, a kilo at a time should be fine. same for the fermented drinks - i'm making more than i consume, and that throws off the time that they're left to ferment, which in turn throws off the taste. should reduce the volumes by half.

had a brief email exchange with the learning lab HR yesterday. they're interested to renew my contract, but they won't give me additional teaching hours. as much as i'm disappointed by that, i'll still end up continuing with them. after all, some income beats no income, right? i'll probably confirm it with them tomorrow, and ask for placement for ad-hoc classes again. hopefully that will go some way to adding to my salary.

considering that work was one of the major events of the year, it will certainly make an appearance in my end-of-year post. but i want to talk a bit about something related to it, so that it takes up less space later. a couple of posts ago, i prompted myself to blog about liking something, and being good at it. in an ideal world, a person's job would be something that they liked, and something that they're good at. even more ideally, they should be good at all aspects of their job. like, i should be good at teaching all aspects of chemistry, and thankfully, i am...i think. well, for O-level standard, anyway. if you've been reading long enough, you'd know that physical chemistry has been the bane of my entire chemistry career. in the later part of undergrad and for grad school, i was fortunate to be able to choose to specialize in synthetic chemistry - something which i both enjoyed and had a decent aptitude for. or to put another spin on it, i was fortunate to be able to put massive distance between myself and physical chemistry. in the context of the IP firm, being a patent attorney involves several things. there's the filing and conforming the specification to singapore law part, to which i was amply exposed. i think i could have gotten pretty good at it, given a gentler learning curve and slightly more support. another pretty significant aspect of the job is the drafting aspect, where a client comes to you with an invention, and you're responsible for drawing up the specification, ie. you're responsible for determining the extent of protection to which the client is legally entitled. as you can probably imagine, that's highly stressful and requires great skill and experience...and something that i don't think i'd like. so, maybe it's for the best that i didn't pursue the patent attorney route. the other option, if i'm still set on the IP industry, would be to look into becoming a patent examiner. unfortunately, IPOS rejected me already earlier this year, so we'll see how that track develops in the future.

but bringing it back to things you like/things that you're good at, i think there's some truth to the observation that you don't like the things that you're bad at. like, i was never able to "see" physical chemistry concepts like i do for organic chemistry. and unfortunately, i never found a teacher/professor who was able to make me see it either. same thing for fitness. i enjoy lifting weights, but hate cardio. as much as i'd like to generalize and say that everyone hates cardio, i know people who can run for seemingly forever, enjoying themselves every step of the way. again, there are exceptions, i suck at art, but do enjoy doodling here and there, even if i know that my work will never make it to an art contest, let alone a gallery. but that's more of a casual pursuit.

just going to blog about a weird dream before going off. i dreamt that i was an executioner. in singapore, the death penalty is carried out via hanging. in my dream, the death penalty was carried out by using a drill press (those big benchtop drills i remember from D&T class in secondary school) to drill into the convicted person's skull. don't want to speculate about the implications of that on my mental state, but yes. i don't recall everything, but i do recall having to execute a secondary school friend. i even asked my senior executioner to mark the spot that would cause the least pain/make the process as quick as possible. the advice was to follow the mouth/jawline up to the temple, and drill through there. don't know how accurate that is, and please don't go trying it out. there was a lot of crying (both me and him), and he told me to get it over with and that he didn't blame me. think i woke up before the actual act, which was a relief. the weird thing is that while the dream seems to suggest unresolved guilt on my end (manifesting as him forgiving me), i haven't done anything to wrong this particular friend. in fact, we have a pretty good friendship despite infrequent contact, so i have no idea what my brain is on about. oh well.

-random thought of the day: Meeting scary JC friend tomorrow!-

Brain dump time again. should probably have posted this last night before going to bed, because i still had some weird dreams. there were 2 dreams, the first involving a hotel of some sort, with some cool features. i don't even remember what the features were, but i remember being impressed. the second dream was more unpleasant, in that my aunt somehow found out about the ex, and took everything badly...to the extent of trying to force me to show her the contents of my google drive (which has nothing incriminating, by the way). and my older cousin called my JC schoolmate's phone to tell me that he'd sold 1500 insurance policies, which is so random! besides, i'm sure he's sold more than that over the past 3-4 years.

had a really long conversation with lawyer guy in-game last night. without going into details for privacy reasons, i know that that he's definitely into girls. he never mentioned anything about guys, so i want to remain optimistic, yet don't want to assume/hope for too much. this means his "profile" (for lack of a better word) ranges from straight ally to potentially bi. could be gay and previously confused, but let's stick to more realistic/likely options. not sure if i don't want to accept reality or if there's really still a chance for me to pursue a relationship with him. he did say that he's not looking for a relationship at present, but he seems to be keeping an open mind about it, like if it happens, it happens. issue is, are guys included in that realm of possibility?

what does this mean for me? i guess it means that i shouldn't get my hopes up too high. it's difficult, though, because the conversation revealed that he's got a very mature mindset/perspective - which is a highly attractive quality! my analyses from previous interactions still stand; that i should probably just enjoy what we have going on, and try to know him more/more about him. if we can't end up as partners, i think we might still be good friends. oh well. as always, reminder to self to manage expectations.

kind of interesting to imagine what would be the outcome if i was forthright in expressing my interest to lawyer guy. some people have this dissonance which can be easily described by the phrase "can, just don't hit on me". i have very supportive (straight) friends who got super freaked out when a gay guy hit on them once. it's been years since then, so it's more of a funny memory now. i wonder if lawyer guy belongs in this category? well...just a fun thought.

another school of thought, if you will, is something that one of my married friends said - that he's fine with LGBT people, but if he had a choice, he'd rather his kid be "normal", aka. straight. as bad as it sounds, i can understand his feelings. in fact, if i were to have kids, i'd hope that they ended up straight too. not that i'm ashamed or harbour any negative feelings towards my own orientation, but i think that it's just easier for straight people in society. having said that, there are pluses to being non-straight, or indeed, being in any minority. you learn acceptance way earlier and more quickly. nevertheless, i'm pretty sure that if any of my friend's kids does turn out not-straight, he'd still love them the same. and should it really happen, at least i can be a source of information for his family.

i was just thinking, there are actually multiple kinds of attraction. the friendly kind, like with the chemistry guys, scary JC friend etc.; romantic, as with the ex back when he wasn't the ex; physical/sexual, as with towards people that you (i) think are good-looking. i think that it's ideal to feel all these kinds of attraction (and possibly some other kinds) towards a partner. of course, it's highly subjective, like asexual people probably don't feel physical attraction to their partners, but i don't think it diminishes their love in any way. what i've been thinking about is whether it's possible to transition between levels. of course, we know the stories of friends who fall in love gradually over time. in those cases, were romantic feelings there from the start and just hidden? or did they suddenly come into existence? it's hard to say, especially since there's no scientific method of proving/disproving anything. should also bear in mind that some people are better at certain levels, in terms of their interaction with you. for instance, scary JC friend is perfect at the "best friend"/"non-biological sister" tier relative to me. as great as she is, we both agreed that we'd be best off where we are right now. i imagine we'd kill each other if we dated. similarly, it might end up being the case that lawyer guy and i are best off as good/close friends. only time will tell, i suppose.

on a more generic note, i think that it's possible to separate physical and romantic attraction. the descriptors/identifiers we use for sexuality are usually assumed to extend to romantic attraction as well, but that may not always be the case. like, someone can be heteroromantic asexual. i interpret that to mean that such a person would still enjoy going on dates, having someone to confide in, and basically most aspects of a "regular" relationship, except the bedroom aspect. i was thinking about it, and i think that under the right circumstances, i could see myself dating a girl. not getting intimate with her, though. if i wanted to be really particular about it, i suppose it would be more accurate to say that i'm biromantic homosexual. at the same time, the physical aspect of a relationship is important to me as well, as you can see from what happened with the ex. so, to make things simpler, just going by "gay" is fine with me. i wonder if this is approaching SJW "i identify as an apache helicopter" territory. i mean, it doesn't fall beyond the realm of the believable, but it might be considered to be nitpicky or fussy or making a mountain out of a molehill. ah well.

this grew longer than i'd expected! well, guess i'd better publish and see what there is to do on a nice cool rainy sunday.

-random thought of the day: Am I thinking too much?-

20 more days until the end of the year, and end-of-year post thoughts are making themselves known in my head. but that comes later, as it always does. let's talk about some things a little closer to the present.

still having weird dreams, though i forgot what went on in most of them already. the mafia one that was briefly mentioned in the last post had something to do with thugs in purple pinstriped suits. if you've played city of heroes, these thugs looked like enemies from the faction known as "the family", which is modelled after italian-american gangsters in the 1920s, which is in turn based on the actual italian mafia. although finer details elude me, i remember that there was a strong theme of betrayal in that dream. more recently, i had a very emotionally-charged dream a couple of nights ago. not in a bad way, but more like a thriller/action-packed thing? unfortunately, i don't remember anything else about it.

interesting development in the final fantasy world - i was offered (and i accepted) a position of slight responsibility in the guild. considering that i've been a member for only...5-ish months maybe, the offer was quite surprising. it doesn't change much in terms of how i play the game, just that i'll be helping out a little more in guild events and perhaps in interacting with new members. i think i can well handle that. by some stroke of luck/fate/whatever, lawyer guy was also made the same offer, and he took it up. it doesn't say much, but i view it as good for our interaction, since we may have opportunities to work closely in future.

while on the topic of online gaming, there was a bit of guild drama over the past few days (not involving me). the way the leadership handled it was admirable, and in addition to the trust that they've shown me by offering me a minor position, i think that i may have found a permanent home in-game. even if i have to stop playing due to circumstances beyond my control (such as work, but touch wood), i think that some of the guild members would make good real-life friends too. in an ideal world, lawyer guy would be my partner, but again, reality check. another good thing that came out of this drama was that the leadership clarified that their anti-discrimination policy extends to orientation as well. what's even better is that lawyer guy was quite vocal in support for LGBT people. it doesn't say anything about his own orientation, of course, and i feel like our interaction has not yet progressed to a point where it'd be acceptable for me to ask him about it. it does give me hope, though. i also know that when i feel ready to come out to them, it'll be taken well - or at least not taken poorly. i'm in two minds about writing the next bit, because it can be used for nefarious purposes. but for the sake of education, i think i'll go ahead. for any straight people reading this, a good way to make someone you think might be LGBT feel safe, and possibly come out to you, is to show your support to the community. not necessarily to the person him/herself directly, but just general affirmations of acceptance and support. having said that, don't expect/demand for people to come out to you. it's entirely their decision. and for LGBT people reading this, exercise your ability to judge and assess a person's character. there is a certain proportion of people who may use similar strategies to earn your trust, and eventually use the knowledge of your orientation for blackmail, intimidation, etc. while i hope you never encounter such people, i feel it's also my responsibility to tell you that these people do exist, and if you're not quite ready to come out to someone yet, don't. it's probably your self-preservation instinct trying to protect you. of course, this doesn't apply to you if you're already out, loud, and proud. in which case, more power to you. i'm not quite there myself, unfortunately.

the rainy season's started! it's been raining every morning since monday, and sometimes during the afternoons/nights too. i think the temperature's around the mid-20s in the daytime? such a refreshing change from hot and humid. it did make going out these past 2 days infinitesimally more difficult, but i had lunch appointments to keep - one with the kurash people to celebrate our silver medal from the SEA games, and one super last-minute one with some of the cat high old boys. should remember that some social interaction is nice.

not much to update on work news...still in the waiting period for JET, and no reply from the chocolate place. not sure if they thought i was trolling them by applying for an apprentice position or what (it was the only opening they'd posted), but yes. it seems like nothing will come out of that. i'm disappointed, but it's not the end of the world. thankfully, the learning lab pays me well enough (relative to hours worked), and my expenses are low enough that i've been able to just tap lightly on my savings each month so far. of course, it's not sustainable long-term, and i will have to boost my savings soon. again, hopefully through JET.

did a facebook cull over the weekend. i was a bit more hard-hearted this time, and removed some people that i'd let pass through previous exercises. that resulted in my friend list shrinking by 28 people, from various chapters of life. there were a couple of main criteria - how long we hadn't interacted (mutually, of course, i don't unfriend someone just because they don't respond to my posts), and their facebook activity/content posted. notably, i either unfriended or unfollowed a lot of people from the judo world, because judo brings back unpleasant memories at this time. i used to wonder how some of my friends could bring themselves to stop after getting their black belt, because the idea of falling out of love with judo was so foreign to me then. eventually, i realized that the sport didn't change fundamentally, but that there were several other factors at play, like how the people in charge choose to run the federation. so...i think that it's time for me to formally bid goodbye to singapore judo. this step comes perhaps a tad too late, as i haven't been involved with them for the past 5-6 years. of course, i will still continue to treasure the genuine friendships that were made, although it kind of worries me that the only thing i share in common with some of these friends is judo. not sure how we'll proceed from here, but hey - if the friendship is meant to be, it'll find a way.

-random thought of the day: Blog about liking something and being good at it.-

Serendipitously, the ending of my last post (about having to teach the concept of genetic inheritance to the tuition kids) segues nicely into the topic of why i won't have kids. to fulfill a promise to myself to have that post out by the end of the year, i figure that i'd better stop procrastinating, and get to writing it. some other blogging prompts which i want to talk about (maybe in a separate post if this one gets too long) are the weird mafia dream that i had, what i discovered while cooking, and certain lifestyle changes that i have to make.

as posts with controversial opinions often do, i'll start with a disclaimer. this is my perspective, brought about by the unique combination of my experiences and way of thought. i'm not trying to discourage people from having kids. besides, this is just the rambling of some random on the internet. if reading this makes you second-guess your decision to have kids, perhaps you're not entirely ready for it? having said that, moving on!

let's start with factors affecting me personally that's led to my decision not to have kids. the most obvious one is probably the biological factor, and how it's not possible for 2 biological males to have kids. sure, there's talk about alternative methods of conception, like surrogacy, or even transforming stem cells into egg cells. but i doubt that the stem cell technology will become commercially available within the next 10 to 20 years. and even if it was possible and proven safe, i wouldn't use it either. on a related tangent to biology, i suppose we could explore genetics too. i don't think i'm much of a human specimen. i mean, sure, i'm healthy(-ish), but there's nothing outstanding about me. i don't have any useful genetic traits (such as unique antibodies in my blood) which i feel are worthy to pass on to the next generation. there's a point about passing on my way of thinking, which i'll discuss later.

the next aspect i'd like to discuss is societal/economic. i will say that i'm lucky to be born into a economically prosperous and relatively developed society. objectively speaking, being born in singapore greatly improves a child's chances of not living in poverty. i was going to say "of succeeding in life", but the definition of success is a whole other argument which i don't want to explore here. so, it may be argued that it's my responsibility to have a child as it would have a good start in life, and it would also help to boost the falling national birth rate. i'll address those points later. for now, i want to look at the negative side of having a child in singapore. firstly, with a relatively affluent society comes a correspondingly higher cost of living. last i heard, it takes over a million dollars to raise a child in singapore, from conception to university graduation. this doesn't even factor in the cost of a house, a car, or any personal expenses for the parents. long story short, unless one/both parents can make buckets of money, there is no possibility of early retirement. for me personally, being behind in terms of career and work experience, i don't think i fall into the "buckets of money" category.

there is also tremendous pressure on kids in singapore, with the bulk of it coming from academics. i am lucky to be slightly more academically-inclined, and even then, i didn't escape the education system unscathed - my bad dreams about the A-levels would attest to that. when i was growing up, it was possible to have a child start formal education at kindergarten, ie. K1 was the first time a child was placed in an organized school environment. these days, a child that starts off at kindergarten would be considered behind his/her peers. there's nursery school, pre-nursery, and even this thing called "playgroup" for kids 2 to 3 years old. it's quite scary, come to think of it. i don't think it's right/fair to subject a child to this sort of pressure. expanding on the social aspect in my specific context, i don't want kids also because there's nobody i'd trust or be willing to impose upon to take care of them. most people would say, "get your parents involved, most older folk would love to have grandkids!". if someone actually said that to me, i'd probably just laugh, maybe even derisively if that person knows me well. i mean, come on. i'm seeing a counsellor for trauma sustained when i was a child. do you think i'd entrust my kids to the source of my trauma? there's the option of hiring a domestic helper or sending the child to daycare, but i find that these routes result in less active parenting, which can be argued to be necessary in singapore these days, but which i still don't like.

other factors which don't fall into the above categories include things like my personal temperament. i know that i don't have the patience or the temperament to deal with children 24/7. sure, i can be nice and goofy with my friends' and relatives' kids, but that's only because i see them for a short while each time, so my exposure is limited. yes, i'm aware that people say that your temperament changes when you become a parent and have kids of your own, but what if mine doesn't? i don't want to produce a kid that ultimately ends up feeling/being unwanted. that would be the height of irresponsibility. like i've mentioned before, i used to want a pet, specifically, a dog. but volunteering at the dog shelter showed me how much effort, time, and money goes into taking care of a dog. can you imagine how much more effort, time, and money a kid would require? not to mention that bringing up a kid is infinitely more complex than taking care of a dog. you don't have to worry about a dog's education, or how the dog will survive after you're gone, because odds are you'll outlive it anyway. if things really don't work out, you could put the dog up for adoption, hand it over to a shelter, or in the extreme worst case, have it put down. for the record, let me just state unequivocally that i do not approve of unnecessary euthanasia of pets. back to the point i'm trying to make - you can't do any of those options for humans! well, i mean you can put a child up for adoption, but it's different. human thoughts are more complex than an animal's, and it's more difficult to undo the trauma that that would cause.

maybe we should go back to first principles and ask why people even have kids in the first place. well, the obvious answer would be to ensure the continuation of the human race. and if you're chinese, there's the added bit about continuing the family name too. while that is true, it is also not relevant in today's world. although the birth rate is falling in singapore (and several other developed societies, eg. japan), the planet on a whole is facing overpopulation. my proposed (but probably unfeasible) solution is to have people in more affluent countries adopt children whose parents may not be able to take care of them. this idea also runs into some other issues. a year or so back, i was talking to a friend whose fiancee at the time (wife now) didn't want kids. somehow, the conversation went to me asking him if he'd consider adoption, to which he flat out refused. it was kind of puzzling to me, to want kids yet be unwilling to adopt. then he explained it to me - he wanted to pass on his genes, and to have a "mini-me" whose mind he could mould and shape. while i respect his right to have his own viewpoint, i cannot agree with it. although people say that parenting is the ultimate act of selflessness, it seems to me that it can be extremely selfish as well, depending on your reasons for having a kid. some people consider their kids as "insurance policies" - they expect their kid to provide for them financially when they get old and can no longer work. the typical asian argument is that kids owe their lives to their parents, filial piety blah blah. my usual counterargument to that is that kids never asked to be born. in fact, their coming into existence is the one thing that was totally out of their control! this leads me to the logical conclusion that parents shouldn't expect their kids to take care of them. however, if brought up right, i'm sure that kids would be willing to care for their parents in some way.

it then leads to a somewhat linked thought - should all people be allowed to have kids? the reflexive answer is yes, because it seems to be a basic human right. as far as i know, no country has laws against people having kids. but if you remove all emotion and approach it from a logical point of view, some people are probably better off not having kids. the examples i can think of are people with genetic disorders, and people who are unable to properly care/provide for their kids. yet, there'll be an outcry if it's suggested that some people shouldn't have kids. in today's world, it's up to the parents to decide, i suppose. but i do find it kind of sad that any male and female with functioning reproductive systems can have kids, no matter how unprepared they might be emotionally, mentally, financially, etc. on the other hand, couples who want children but can't conceive due to whatever reason (infertility, same-sex couples) have to jump through so many hoops and pass stringent background tests before they're allowed to adopt. you may say that no couple is ever fully prepared for the challenges of parenthood, and again, i'd agree with you. i'd also say that there are different levels of preparedness. to use the analogy of going for an exam, there's going in and being sure that you'll ace the paper; going in and finding the paper tough, but knowing you'll scrape by; being uncertain if you'll end up with a pass or a fail; and knowing that you're so horribly screwed, you just start laughing at the questions. if i had my way, everyone who wanted kids would have to take a parenthood preparedness test, and have their ability to provide for their kids assessed as well. but since i don't have my way, i guess nothing will change in the foreseeable future.

having liberally doused the idea of having kids in cold water, i will, in the interest of fairness, say that under the right circumstances, having kids can be a great blessing. i'm at the age where i have some friends posting pictures of them with their parents, others posting pictures of them and their kids, and some even posting pictures of all 3 generations together. i imagine it must be immensely fulfilling to see a life that you've nurtured grow and develop. and, if parents have good values and outlooks on life, the world as a whole would benefit. ideally, the world would be full of happy families, although i do know that there's no such thing as 100% happiness 100% of the time. in fact, i was really surprised to learn that a friend of mine, who by all accounts is in a happy marriage which has produced several children, has had bad arguments with the spouse, to the point of both people screaming at each other. but i guess it's part and parcel of the whole experience.

to bring this back to my personal context, while i don't think that i'd make a good parent in terms of the day-to-day caring for a child, i do think that my ideas and values (well, most of them, anyway) are worth passing on. maybe that's why i've been involved in teaching? admittedly, i may not be able to influence students as much as i'd like due to the limited contact. but if having less influencing power is the tradeoff that makes non-constant contact possible, i'm all for it. hopefully i'll get across to a few kids, at least. i wonder, though, if there's any set of circumstances under which i'd have kids? at this point in time, i'd say that such circumstances don't exist. not even if my partner wants a child, i think. remember my friend from a few paragraphs up, the one who has differing views from his wife? ultimately, he said that while he would try to convince his wife to have kids, he wouldn't force the issue if his wife was adamant about it. his reason being that his wife is already such a major source of happiness for him, he would rather never know the experience of parenthood than give her up. i think it's a really sweet sentiment, and the one that does the least harm. it's better that he "suffers" alone than his wife and potential future child suffering, i think. his "suffer" is in quotes because apart from that, he's very happy with his situation. so, if my future partner wants kids, we'll have to have a very serious discussion. having said that, the old axiom applies - never say never. it's like 99.9% certain now, but i don't know what the future holds.

at 2241 words (and counting), this is the most i've written in a while. better sum things up and finish. again, my goal is not to discourage people from having kids. if anything, i hope that people who read this post will do lots of thinking, and carefully weigh the pros and cons of having kids before actually doing so. of course, not forgetting to evaluate their own preparedness and readiness too. above all, i hope that parents never make their kids feel unwanted, or be negative role models for their kids. saying things in the heat of the moment, or in a fit of anger is not excusable at all. but at the end of the day, whether or not a couple has kids is entirely out of my control. so don't read this and come saying that i'm deterring you from having kids. with that, i guess i'll stop this post here.

-random thought of the day: We won a silver medal!-

I would not, by any means, describe myself as a battle-hardened veteran at life. however, i think it's at least fair to say that i've had some life experience, and been through some challenging times. strangely enough, despite having gone through NS, university, and grad school, i have a disproportionately large number of bad dreams about taking the A-levels. last night, it was about the GP exam. for some reason, i'd decided not to do the essay component, and turn in a blank script. towards the last 30 minutes of the exam, i changed my mind and started panicking. by then, i had to do the AQ (application question, a mini-essay) as well, and knew that i wouldn't have time to finish both. i remember despair and panic as the predominant emotions from that dream. makes me wonder why A-levels left such an impression on me, considering that i got through just fine, and also that i've taken significantly more difficult exams since then. perhaps it's because out of all the exams i've taken, the A-levels is the one in which i performed the worst. i mean, i got a C for maths. i've never scored below a B- in university, so maybe that C is grating on me just a bit. this train of thought doesn't make much sense, though, since i failed my driving test and didn't get called for interviews for most of my job applications. so, why am i perceiving myself having failed to a greater extent for the A-levels? thankfully, it doesn't really affect me that much. while it feels bad at that point in time and just after waking up, those feelings usually clear up very quickly when i remember my current stage in life. maybe i've got to remind myself more that although i did get a C, it got me into my desired course in university, and that's good enough.

being science-trained, i do my best to think logically for all situations that i'm presented with. one of the greatest pitfalls to logical thinking is this thing called confirmation bias. i'd explain it as "looking for and accepting only what we think are the correct answers, and ignoring contradictory facts". part of a good scientific experimental protocol is to include control experiments that will eliminate this bias. but that's science. matters of the heart are just about as unscientific as one can get. so, i think you'd understand why i'm having difficulty reaching a conclusion regarding lawyer guy's orientation, just based on our interactions. most of the signs that i've picked up on point to the conclusion that he may be single and may not be straight, but that's precisely the conclusion at which i want to arrive! so, i can't trust my deduction in this case. of course, the simplest way to know for sure would just be to ask him, but that's a whole other set of complications. if it was just between the two of us, i'd probably push it a little further, but this has ramifications that will reach the entire guild. the ultimate worst case is that both of us leave the guild and never talk again, which i don't think will happen, but you never know.

it's weird, isn't it? i know that it's not worth my time to interact with people who would take issue with things like orientation. at the same time, i don't want to cause any unnecessary distress to the organization as a whole. after all, the topic of which gender i prefer to date hasn't come up in conversation, nor is it relevant to the game. i suppose that one thing that would force me to make a stand would be if there was LGBT-bashing going on, and i'm incredibly grateful that there isn't. possibly the only other situation would be if lawyer guy wants us to start dating and we have to tell the guild...but let's not get too carried away in fantasy there.

should go get ready for tuition. today's topic is inheritance, which i have to read up on as i'm not a biology person. need to go down a little earlier to mark the kids' work too. so, i guess i'd better go.

-random thought of the day: Remember to get refund for expired EZ-link card!-

Although i've been getting about 7-9 hours of sleep on average for the past few nights (normal numbers for me), i wake up feeling kind of lousy, and not quite refreshed. probably something to do with the quality of sleep, or maybe i've been waking up in the middle of a REM cycle. there were many many weird dreams too, which means that my brain was still working while my body was resting? perhaps i should adjust my sleep and/or wake-up times a little.

there's not much to update on, seeing how uneventful life has been. perhaps now's the time for me to get some thoughts out of my head, in preparation for the next phase of life, be it JET or something else. final fantasy has been taking up a large chunk of my time. it may not be productive per se, but it is enjoyable. not to mention there's the added bonus of interacting with the guy i talked about in the previous post. my impression of him hasn't changed since then - i still think that he's nice, and great to talk to. while i did say that the logical thing for me to do regarding this interaction is nothing, and to treat it as i would any normal interaction between guild members, i have to admit that i've been taking a bit more initiative in starting chats with him, offering to party together, and even making some clumsy attempts at flirting. to his credit, he's been gracious in accepting compliments, and doesn't appear to show any negative reaction. i have thought about expressing my interest to him, but my logical side always asks the same question, "what good will that serve?", and that stops me in my tracks. logically, it won't serve any good at all. or to put it another way, taking this action leads to more cons than pros. so, for the time being at least, until i've sorted my life out, i guess this will be the status quo.

it led me to think a little more along this line - why/when should people express their interest in another person? if you read NUSwhispers on any given day, you'll probably see at least one confession about someone who's hesitant to confess their feelings to another person. personally, i think that communication should be open - none of this rubbish about dropping hints or signs and praying that the other person gets it (or worse, expecting them to get it). and if you really want a relationship, take initiative. after all, the worst that can happen is that you get rejected. that is, of course, assuming that both parties are mature about the whole thing. for a supposedly smart/intelligent population, singaporeans can be incredibly childish. like starting rumours, ridiculing others behind their backs, you get the idea. it's sad that this behaviour can persist into university and sometimes, even beyond. so i do get that there's a reluctance to be vulnerable in front of others in this society.

but in my case, though, the considerations are slightly different. i don't know if he's into guys, and i don't know if he's already seeing someone. so, to confess my attraction to him would be taking a huge stab in the dark, and that is a higher risk than i am willing to take. and even if the planets align and he's into me, we'd still have to deal with the fact that i'd be moving to another country in the near future. so, long story short, it would be incredibly selfish of me, and unfair to him, if i were to take any action now. i suppose that the biggest compelling reason for me to do anything would be as a means to get closure for myself, but again, selfish. or if by some miracle i find out he's single and looking to date guys, i might consider just letting him know that i'm interested in him, but i have no expectations of us getting into a relationship, and that there's no pressure on him. that's probably the best compromise that i can see, given the current circumstances.

i've talked about it for a while now, and i think it's time that i get started on my "why i won't have kids" post. it'll probably be a huge work, encompassing perspectives from multiple angles. so, i have very uncharacteristically decided to plan the post out, using an outline to help make sure that i have all my points down. the full post will be out in another date, but here's a start on the outline:

- disclaimer (incl. own experiences)
- biological factors
- societal factors (specific to singapore)
- other factors (economic, genetic, etc)
- why have kids in the first place?
- selfish vs selfless (also, adoption)
- parenting and preparedness (maybe a bit on LGBT parenting)
- reasons to have kids (that don't apply to me)
- circumstances under which i might have kids
- conclusion

as you can see, it's going to be quite a lengthy post, hence my decision to keep it separate and to post on another day, when i have the mental focus to sit down and work on it for a few hours. for now, i think i'll work on my application to that chocolate place. yes, i've put it off for the longest time. the ad appears to still be up, so maybe that's a sign.

-random thought of the day: Be more productive!-

Need to do a quick brain dump because uncle murphy has the habit of striking at the most inopportune time. so what happened was that i went for the final fantasy guild dinner yesterday, and met a new member...who's really attractive, and a lawyer to boot! it was enjoyable to talk to him, and he seems like a really nice guy, with very desirable qualities - non-smoker and non-drinker, to name just two. my stupid brain, being...well, stupid, decided to develop an attraction for/crush on him, without knowing if he's presently partnered, or whether or not he's even into guys. he wasn't wearing a ring, for what it's worth, but even if he was into guys, and into me specifically, the timing is completely off. i doubt that i'd give up on plan japan for a relationship, and i can't in good conscience expect him to give up his career here and move because of a relationship too.

logically, i know that most likely nothing will come out of it. i guess i just have to write it down to (1) convince myself, and (2) get it out of my head. but hey, i can enjoy our interactions in the meantime, both in-game and in person. i owe him ice cream or something similar, so i can kind of look forward to that? things should be fine as long as i maintain a firm grasp on reality and don't do anything stupid. seems easier said than done, but i'll manage.

-random thought of the day: My typing skills are deteriorating.-

Yesterday was the most productive day i've had in a while. went for the first counselling appointment, and visited two embassies (with vastly different experiences). counselling first. since it was a first session, there wasn't much deep discussion/sharing. the time was most spent for the nice counsellor lady to get an idea of what issues i wanted to bring up, and to know a bit more of my background. it's acceptable/expected, i think, because it's better to have as much background information as possible before moving forward. i feel ok with her...as in i trust her to be professional and all that. the only thing that kind of unsettles me a little is that she wears a cross necklace, which means that she's christian. but until proven otherwise, i will assume that she separates religion and work. overall, i'd say that it was a positive first experience, and i'm booked for a second appointment next week.

the first of two embassy visits was to the kazakhstan embassy, where we had a brief chat about kurash. the embassy people seemed very interested to promote it among the local community, so that's a good sign. we were asked to contribute an article or something of that nature for them to share, so i'll probably have to write something for them soon. reminder to self to write in plain english for ease of translation.

following that, i went down to the japan embassy to submit my JET application. this didn't go as smoothly as i'd have liked. for starters, it was so impersonal - just dropping the papers off at the security post. i was expecting to at least interact with some embassy staff, maybe speak some japanese. perhaps i was somehow affected by the more positive kazakhstan embassy experience, where they welcomed us into a nice meeting room for our chat. but well, it was what it was. not too sure how the application will go, but based on the experience delivering the papers, my impression got knocked down a few points. i guess i experienced japanese exclusivity first-hand, but well...i should remember to not let one negative experience undo all the positive things that i know about japan and the japanese people. the result will only be out around january-ish, which gives me about 3 more months in limbo. in the event that the application doesn't go through, i have a few choices - apply again in 2020 (possibly with some added english language teaching qualifications), apply for another program, or just scrap that idea and find a job in singapore. if JET doesn't work out, my next course of action would probably be to work in japan via a private company. while i would like to apply for JET again, the application window being in october/november each year means that i'd have to wait for another 9-ish months to reapply if my application doesn't go through this round. that's a bit too long, i think.

NTUC had black garlic on sale this past week - about $3.80 for 6 bulbs. that's close to 1.5 times the price of regular garlic, but i'd been curious about it ever since i saw a youtube video on how to make it. it's basically garlic that's been exposed to low heat for a long period of time, such that the sugars in the garlic undergo the maillard reaction, turning the garlic cloves black. it tastes completely different from regular garlic, too! some words that come to mind to describe regular garlic include "harsh", "spicy", "crunchy". words that i'd use for black garlic include "sweet", "soft", "mild". while i can probably make it for cheaper, i hear the process generates a significant smell. not too keen on that. should probably grab a few more packs while they're still in stock, because i'm quite liking the taste.

on the topic of culinary adventures, my lacto-fermented vegetables have been developing nicely. there's one jar that kind of smells like cheese, which i think is really cool. the sauerkraut has a slightly alcoholic smell, probably because the balance of yeast and bacteria is slightly off. still, it should be edible. will have to work through the jars over the next few months. hoping that the fermented garlic will be ready soon, too. it still hasn't mellowed out as much as i'd have liked. well, there's still time.

-random thought of the day: Dinner plans later!-

Made good progress on my JET application package! the biggest challenge so far has been getting the letter of recommendation from my NUS japanese lecturer, but she came through in the end. unfortunately, my troubles there are not over. you see, i'm required to submit 1 original and 3 copies of most documents, recommendation letters included. she put the original into one envelope and the 3 copies into a separate envelope, which is what most normal people would do. what she didn't notice (and to be fair, that i forgot to remind her) was the instruction stating that each of the 3 sets of copies are to be collated separately. which means i need 3 envelopes with 1 copy of the letter in each. worst thing is that i can't even open the envelopes and repackage the letters myself, because the envelopes have the department stamp across the flaps, and to open them would be tampering. i'll be going down (again) to NUS tomorrow to have the nice office people sort it out. thankfully i thought ahead for once and planned on submitting my application way before the deadline, giving me ample buffer time to resolve such potential complications.

let just do a quick stocktake of what documents i already have, and what documents i still need. might be useful for future JET applicants too, if the guidelines remain the same.
- application form (1 original, 3 copies): done
- medical self-report (1 original, 3 copies): done
- doctor's statement in case of early placement (1 original, 3 copies): seeing doctor tomorrow
- authorization and release form (1 original, 3 copies): done
- statement of purpose (1 original, 3 copies): done
- reference letters from 2 referees (1 original and 3 copies each): 1 set of letters done, sorting out other set of letters tomorrow
- certified true copy of academic transcript(s) (1 original certified copy, 3 copies of the certified copy): done
- certified true copy of proof of graduation (degree) (1 original certified copy, 3 copies of the certified copy): done
- teaching or language proficiency qualification: N/A
- document of nationality (passport) (4 copies): photocopying tomorrow
- certificate of clearance (1 original, 3 copies): photocopying tomorrow

reminder to myself that staples are not allowed, paperclips only. that, and to submit the documents as-is (with no folder or binder). the plan is to hand-deliver it to the embassy this friday, or maybe even earlier. depending on how inclined i feel to get out of the house on thursday, i suppose. i don't anticipate significant difficulty in getting the remaining things done, so here's hoping everything will end well.

another thing i made progress in is counselling. by "progress", i mean that i booked an appointment, which though a small step, still counts. the counselling centre was surprisingly fast in getting back to me; i got a call back to schedule an appointment on the same day i submitted my request. i'm kind of nervous, actually. we're going to be talking about things that i've never really told anyone. i don't think that i'm afraid of being vulnerable in front of people, or of being judged in general. but these issues kind of hit deeper than most. i'm slightly relieved that the lady i spoke to was nice, and had a reassuring manner about her. it formed a good overall first impression of the centre. i hope it stays that way.

been playing a fair bit of final fantasy too. i finally took the plunge and bought a house in-game. the new updates released additional plots of land, and one thing led to another, and i have a house now after staying up until 6:30am to secure a plot of land. really getting too told for this all-nighter business. i'm not a super creative or design-y person, so i found that it was easier to get some stuff that comes in a set. fewer decisions to make. still got a long way to go as far as decoration goes; i've been running around various houses to get ideas. i've got a few things in mind, but they require significant investments of time, (in-game) money, and effort. speaking of money, it's quite interesting to experience the game's economy, as it quite closely models real life. for instance, now that more housing space is available, more people are buying houses. this means that the prices of housing items (furniture, interiors) jumped. not only that, the prices of some of the materials used to craft the furnishing items also jumped. oh, i should talk a bit about final fantasy money. the currency is called "gil", which i pronounce the same way as i pronounce the name of organs fish use for breathing. i've played this game for close to 4 years, but my subscription has been active for maybe only 2+ of those ~4 years. in that time, i've managed to save a sum of about 23 million gil. it's decent, but on the lower end of the spectrum. one of the people in the guild spent 100 million gil to relocate our guild house due to a mistake, and he's all but made it back within a week. the power of crafting and selling items that are in high demand. thankfully, i've not neglected my crafters and gatherers, and thus have avoided spending money on things which i can craft or gather myself. goodness knows i should save more, especially when the plot of land cost close to 4 million gil, and it will cost at least 10 million gil if i want to upgrade to the next-bigger house size.

on a related note, i must say that this house thing is a great way to get players to spend time in-game. housing design aside, each house will be demolished if the owner doesn't step inside for a period of 45 consecutive days. so, to avoid wasting in-game money, you have to spend real-life money. granted, it's about SGD 15 every 1.5 months if you stretch it to the limit, so it's not all that bad? i'm grateful that i'm still making enough money to be able to have indulgences like this.

should probably mention work as well. this past sunday was my one-year anniversary at the learning lab. the 2 classes i had that day went pretty smoothly, so that was nice. it's been a good experience there. didn't learn much content-wise, but l learnt a lot of other skills, like classroom management. more importantly, my colleagues there are nice and supportive, and even staff from other departments will do their best to help. i will be sorry to leave if and when the JET application goes through, but let's cross that bridge at a later stage.

-random thought of the day: Should also see the doctor about a persistent infection.-

Truth be told, things aren't going too well. in my head, i mean. i'll talk about that soon, but i want to first mention the interesting experience i had while attempting to do IC re-registration. you see, singaporeans are legally obligated to get new ICs at 3 key ages in their lives - 15, 30, and 55. they sent me the notice last year close to my birthday, and told me that i had until my 31st birthday to get it done. being the master procrastinator that i am, i put it off till 2 days before my birthday. i hadn't been to ICA for more than a year; the last time i went in was to get my passport renewed. some noteworthy changes since then are that the photo-taking service is gone, and a cluster of photo shops have popped up at the HDB blocks nearby. i wonder what caused this arrangement. from what i understand, the photo company was directly contracted by ICA, so they would crop and upload the photos that they'd taken to the ICA database without any further action needed from us. that was way more convenient than having to go out of the building again and choosing between the multiple photo shops.

anyway, i chose the nearest photo shop and after a painful 10 minutes of taking the photo, i went back to the ICA building to get the IC done. a self-service terminal became available after another another painful 10 minutes' wait (there was this lady who kept logging in and out to find her desired e-service). i finally got into the system...and was told that i was ineligible for IC re-registration. by that time, i was mildly annoyed already, so i went to get a queue number to speak with a human being. the nice lady i ended up speaking to told me that as i had replaced my IC within the past 10 years, i didn't have to do re-registration after all. it seems that re-registration is only applicable for people who have held the same IC for more than 10 years including the year of their 30th birthday. so, since i got my IC replaced in 2009, i was barely within the allowable period. the lesson i got from this is that if you've had your IC replaced at any time in your twenties, you don't have to re-register at 30. cost me $7 in photo fees, $2 in parking fees, and 1 hour of time to learn that, but at least i made the mistake so that you don't have to. i was also quite amused because the lady i was speaking to called me "ah boy". at 30 years old (well, 31 now), i can hardly be called an "ah boy" any more. but it did make me laugh a bit, so that's all good.

now, for not good stuff. despite my plans to be healthier and all that, i think that i'm still depressed. it has never felt right for me to say this, especially when i don't have many big problems, and when there are people out there who are genuinely suffering. but it's the truth that i haven't been happy in longer than i want to remember. i mean sure, there are little moments of joy and laughter, like the old boys' gatherings every saturday. it's all very temporary, though. what's more worrying to me is that the depression is manifesting in physically observable phenomena, like low energy, increased time spent sleeping, negative thoughts, and just general apathy. thankfully, i think that i'm still somewhat high-functioning, because i can still summon the energy to do things that i know need to be done, like tuition or the IC thing. i've been trying to find the root cause, and apart from things that i need to speak to a counsellor about, i've identified a couple other things. one of those things is present living arrangements. it's also part of the reason why i'm so eager to go to japan, because it'll give me a chance to live on my own. truth be told, i do somewhat envy my friends who are able to be best friends with their parents/siblings, and do activities together like going out for dinner, watching movies, etc. before you even ask, it's simply not possible in my case. to avoid too much dirty laundry being aired, i'll just say that there are irreconcilable differences. to be fair, i have never wanted for food, shelter, and money, so credit where it's due. unfortunately, bringing up a child isn't just about meeting its material needs. i should really write what "why i won't have kids" post soon. ok. target: before the end of the year.

another reason for my depression might be because there's nothing to look forward to in the near future. no work, no events. kind of bleak, isn't it? my JET application package is coming together nicely, with the only really pressing thing being a letter of recommendation from my NUS japanese lecturer. other outstanding things include getting a certificate of clearance from the police (in lieu of a criminal record), and going for a quick health exam, both of which i can settle very quickly. my personal deadline is to submit it on 05 november, so i've got a week and a bit to get all that done. definitely manageable as long as the letter gets done in time.

maybe as a consequence of the negative feelings, i've been thinking about death and suicide a fair bit. i'll just insert a huge disclaimer here that i'm not about to commit suicide. too much of a chicken to go through with it. but i have thought (on more than one occasion) that i'm wasting my life, and that my existence at this point in time is fairly insignificant. i'm willing to bet that there are so many lesser-privileged people who, in my current position, would put my skills and talents to much greater use. assuming that my skills and talents are still relevant, that is. i do think that this lack of activity contributes to how some senior citizens just kind of wither away and die shortly after retirement. too much free time on their hands with nothing productive to do. at the same time, it's hard, you know? in fact, it's especially ironic/paradoxical that my energy levels are so low despite getting above-average amounts of sleep. at night, i'll have some things i want to do the next day planned out - like go to the gym, get groceries, cook, whatever. but when i wake up the next morning, i just stay in bed doing goodness knows what until it's mid- to late afternoon. by then, i probably only have enough time to do maybe 1 of the 3 or 4 things that i'd planned for. honestly, i don't know what i can do to break out of this cycle. my usual self-talk doesn't work, and it just seems easier to stay in my room and let time pass. i don't like using this word, but i see no better description - it's pathetic.

on the topic of death and dying, though, i've also wondered what my last post on this blog will be, how it will look like, etc. of course, if nature takes its course, i will never know what my last post will be. it might even be this one, if i meet an untimely end in the near future. i did think of scheduling a post that would only get published by a certain date, and extending the publish date manually for as long as i'm alive. that way, it would only get published if i was unable to extend the date, and therefore serve as a last post. i further thought about what i'd write, and therein lay the problem. i don't know how my circumstances will change in the future! i may feel differently about some things, or meet other people, so it doesn't really make sense for me to pre-write anything. well, since i don't intend to take my own life, and given my relatively young age, i hope that i won't have to worry about this for many more years to come. or maybe i'll find a better way to do it.

i read an article that talked about the phrase "anything worth doing is worth doing poorly". motivational speakers and/or people who've been in the army are more accustomed to the version of this saying that ends with "well". but i didn't make a mistake, this version applies too. imagine this. you're supposed to jump out of bed every morning, brush your teeth, shower, and face the world with a smile. but when you're weighed down with negative thoughts and feelings, even climbing out of bed and standing up can be an achievement. i guess i should aim to do things poorly for a while, because some progress beats no progress.

perhaps another cause for this depression is that i'm aimless. up till grad school, my choices seem to have been laid out. that's not to say i didn't choose my direction up to this point, but i've always had a compass and safety barriers. like, i knew that i wanted to pursue chemistry. and to do that, i knew that the route for me would be JC. but now, after graduating, there are so many choices! obviously, something related to my degree would be ideal, but i'm afraid that i won't measure up. to this day, i'm still half convinced that i don't deserve my degree. the experience at the IP firm didn't help things, but at least i have an excuse that the legal aspect of the job is outside my expertise. i've really been questioning my purpose in life. there's this japanese term called ikigai, which translates to "reason for living". it's when that thing has all the aspects of: something you're good at, something you like, something that earns you money, and something that fulfills a need from others or society. i used to think that mine was chemistry, be it doing it or teaching it, but i've had to reevaluate that. i think what's missing from my 4 aspects is "something you (i) like". no, let me rephrase that in the context of my tuition job. i like teaching kids. but i don't get fulfillment from it. because at the end of the day, all i'm doing is preparing them for exams. in my almost full year at the learning lab, i think i've only met one student from whom i can feel the passion/love for chemistry. and i wasn't the one responsible for lighting that spark either! will teaching in japan be different? i honestly don't know. i'm just hoping that the students there will have a different perspective of learning.

based on the above paragraph, i wonder if giving myself an aim will help to dispel this depression? or at least it'll keep my mind busy enough to not dwell on negatives. i'm considering sending in an application to work at an SME, one that makes chocolate! i figure that it'll give me something to do, some extra cash, and let me be around one of my favourite foods. provided that they do decide to take me on, that is. well, it's worth a shot anyway.

-random thought of the day: Nothing comes to mind.-

Finally got into the gym yesterday. it was good to move my body again, although i'm aching like mad today. i think it's time i changed my approach to this fitness thing, to take a bit more responsibility and to be more independent. like figuring out what exercises to do, calorie intake, etc. i mean, this should be easy compared to research, right? and considering that i know my own body and my own limits, i think it would be more productive for me to design the program myself. of course, the downside is that i don't have experience in this, and therefore it may require a longer period to find something that really works. in that spirit, i've also bitten the bullet, and done a full-body analysis with the machine that sends electrical currents through your body. i don't know how it compares to the manual method that's preferred by the genesis coaches, but there's a huge discrepancy in the numbers. i think that i'll stick to this method of measurement for consistency. not going to post the numbers here, because they're horrifying. i had a brief chat with one of the trainers there, who was nice enough to suggest some stuff. he did mention physical training packages, though i'm thankful that he wasn't pushy in selling them. my preliminary idea is to base my calculations on the target of losing 1kg per week.

on the food front, my fermentation projects have been yielding good results. i got a little ambitious and did 4 jars of stuff for a first run - cabbage (sauerkraut); celery, carrots, and baby corn; cauliflower, onions, and garlic; and one jar of pure garlic. among these 4 jars, i think the onion/cauliflower one smells the best. it's smells meaty/savoury, despite not containing any meat. not sure how i'm making that association. perhaps because onions are usually served as a side to meat? the fermentation's been going on for about a week now, and the vegetables have all acquired a pleasant sour tang. i've been testing their flavour on and off for the past few days and haven't fallen sick, so i think that i'm doing something right. the plan is to work my way slowly through the jars, then refill them with vegetables once they're just about empty. to my knowledge, the fermentation brine should be good indefinitely, unless something gross starts growing on it. the garlic needs to go way longer, though, the sharp pungent taste was still present when i last tried it a few days back. fermented drinks are going well too - i found a cycle that works for me for both kombucha and water kefir (4-5 days for the former, 2-2.5 days for the latter). i think that having these things to maintain gives me something to keep myself busy with.

there are a couple of important things coming up. SEA games (based on the lack of info to date, i doubt i'll be refereeing), hopefully getting an interview with NUS, and finding a good time to re-register for my IC. the deadline is before my 31st birthday, which means that i still have a few days' timeframe to get it done. should probably aim to do it within this week, maybe thursday. if past experience has taught me anything, it's that i should be prepared to spend a lot of time at the ICA building.

you know, i realize that i've been working on the assumption that (at least) one of my current plans will work out. the thought of complete failure hasn't really crossed my mind. but in the event that NUS and JET both don't happen, there's still the private company route. it's less optimal in terms of effort-to-earnings ratio, but hey, it's a way forward. i should know the outcome of the NUS thing by this week, and my plan is to submit the JET application by mid- to end-october (assuming i turn down the NUS offer). i think things will work out, one way or another. just have to revise my statement of purpose a little more, and see that i have all other relevant documentation.

on a semi-related tangent, i still haven't downloaded any dating apps. somehow, i feel like meeting more people, but at the same time, i don't want the potential drama and conflict that can accompany meeting new people. i'm really too old for that stuff. i did think about finding a gym buddy, for additional motivation to go to the gym. we don't even have to spot each other or work out together. just having that presence and the "obligation" (for lack of a better word) to go down would be helpful enough for me. maybe i'll start exploring this in more depth when i feel my motivation flagging again.

-random thought of the day: Having allergic skin reactions to something again.-

Got some bleh news just now - that my job application at my cousin's workplace is unlikely to go through, because there are other candidates further along in the recruitment process. i am kind of bummed and upset about it, but let me make it clear that i'm not upset with my cousin at all. what upsets me is that i didn't even get a chance for an interview, and that i'm not able to secure what looks and sounds like a great job with great benefits. i was told that they'd keep me in mind and that they'd consider me for other positions in the future, but i don't know if they mean it, or if that's just polite talk to get rid of candidates who they didn't hire. regardless, it's not something to dwell on.

interestingly enough, another job offer came in just today, from a professor friend. it's for a department in NUS, but not chemistry. the job scope is related to research, but different enough from actual research that i'll have to learn quite a lot of stuff. nothing i can't handle, i think. of course, i know that this job isn't guaranteed either, and i suppose it wouldn't hurt to just go for the interview and see what it's all about, and find out about other aspects of the job as well. it's a one-year contract, though, and i don't know if there's potential for extension. but let's not think that far ahead yet.

tying in to the previous post about the typical singaporean psyche, i read an article about how to write a letter that will be published in the straits times forum pages. granted, the straits times isn't worth the paper it's printed upon, so having your view aired there isn't much to shout about. anyway. the article mentioned something about "entitlement" and "aggressive stupidity", which i think are adjectives that i've been unknowingly looking for to describe typical singaporean behaviour. it might be easier to tackle each one separately. entitlement is defined as "the belief that one is inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment". what constitutes entitlement? in today's society, it's a bit hard to tell. like, is it entitled of me to expect the internet service (which i paid for) to be available whenever i need it? possibly, given that occasional disruptions are inevitable. this entitlement thing (or fear of being labelled/seen as entitled) has kind of given rise to a thing on reddit called "am i the asshole?" or AITA for short. it worries me, that people are unable to determine that for themselves these days. as for aggressive stupidity, it's like the example i cited previously about people blaming the telcos when it was a construction company's fault. what's worse is that some people make leaps of logic and end up forming incorrect correlations and conclusions...although that might not be a problem that's exclusive to singapore. on a whole though, i do think that singaporeans are entitled to some degree, perhaps partially due to the asian idea of elders always being right regardless of the facts. and somehow, people expect others to give way to them. many people have said it before me - first world infrastructure, third world citizens. it still holds true.

kind of troubling that lots of undergrads (and people in general) have been in the news for outrage of modesty offences lately. i wonder though, is it that more people are committing these offences recently, or that more people are getting caught? the first would be more worrying, probably. i said it before while talking about the NUS undergrad case - i don't understand why they do it. are they so bored or so in need of new stimulation that they have to resort to such extremes? the sad thing is that most of them are decent-looking, and should have no trouble finding a partner, who would probably engage in M18 activities consensually. i guess it also shows that perverts come in all shapes and sizes. what's the cause, though? are we too repressed as a society? maybe it's the stress from overemphasis on work and results. japan seems to suffer from a similar problem. the judgement/sentence from one of these cases caused a public outcry, because the offender was given a slap on the wrist as he had good grades. i know singapore is supposed to be a meritocratic society, but this is going a little far, isn't it? it gives the school a bad rep too. now the running joke is that NUS students are above the law and needn't fear punishment. sigh.

i'll just end the post here. it's a little abrupt, but i don't think i'm the the proper frame of mind to blog any more. should probably do the post on why i won't have kids; that's been rattling around in my head for a little too long now. given the aforementioned development in the job hunt, i guess i'll send my resume to my professor friend and see what comes out of it. the JET application is still on, by the way, so best case is that just one of them goes through, so that i don't have to reject anyone. worst case is nothing going through, but let's not think of that.

-random thought of the day: Fermentation is fun!-

An internet outage causes me to not know how to start this post. i'll explain - you see, i have this weird habit of not having two consecutive posts start with the same letter, and i try to give minimum 5 posts' interval before i re-use a letter to start a post. this weird habit is something that i don't think i've ever mentioned, so good job if you caught it. if you look back for perhaps the past 10 years' worth of posts, i doubt that you'll find more than 5 instances where two consecutive posts begin with the same letter. just some random trivia. let me just talk you through what i've been up to recently.

still haven't been very successful with gym plans. somehow, there's this inertia towards gym-going. like, it's really easy to find excuses for things that you don't want to do. "i don't feel well", "it'll be too crowded", "i'll feel uncomfortable in there", "i'll look so unglam/gross" if you can name it, i've probably thought of it. it's kind of a catch-22 situation. not going to the gym means that progress (if any) will be slow, and the slow progress (if any) will just be more demoralizing. i've got to break this cycle, perhaps starting with gymming at odd hours. i'll let you know how that pans out. food journalling is coming along well enough, it's good to have a written record to refer to. and the sense of guilt when writing down some less-than-ideal choices helps to maintain discipline when looking back on those entries. still can do way better, though.

maybe it's my chemist hands itching, or my desire for better digestive health. either way, i've restarted some fermentation projects. in addition to my previous kombucha (which survived about 3 months' neglect), i've also started keeping a water kefir culture, and am looking to start some lacto-fermented vegetables. i think that this also kind of helps with my eating, because what i realized recently is that the ease of access to food is the number one factor for me when the urge to eat strikes. if i have something unhealthy but microwaveable vs. nice but frozen healthy food (eg. piece of fish), odds are i'll choose the microwaveable thing because it can be prepared more quickly. so, i figured that having something healthy and ready in the fridge would do me some good. as far as healthy eating goes. i've tried raw vegetables, which are ok, but not that exciting. hopefully this fermenting thing pays off. one worry i have about it, especially the fermented drinks, is that there may be residual sugar present. sugar isn't that good for you, after all. i keep thinking that i taste sugar, though i'm not sure how much of that is my paranoid self knowing that there was sugar there at the start. like most things, i guess some monitoring over time is in order.

i'll just talk a bit more about the internet outage, and some interesting things that i noticed. to begin, it was because some construction company had cut the fibre optic cables that bring the internet to us end-users. the internet was out for about 4 hours for me, and on a saturday, too! not that the day of the week makes any difference to me, but it sure does to working people who experienced it. thankfully, mobile data was still available. so, i went to check the telcos' social media pages for updates. singtel, starhub, and m1 all reported having users affected by the outage, so i thought that it was quite a fair test to see how each telco responded. my personal rating in terms of best to worst response: singtel, starhub, m1. singtel was pretty prompt in updating its users, and even said that it would waive data charges for the day as service recovery. starhub provided prompt updates. m1's updates were slower than the other telcos by about 2 hours, and their social media team kept posting template replies which did not address the users' questions. in fact, there was a user who actually predicted the template that would be posted to another user's comment, and got it 90% correct. so yes...m1 has some way to go in terms of customer interaction. i don't know if it's entirely their fault, though. it seems like they're the smallest out of the big 3, so they may receive updates later?

whatever the case, i'm sure that m1 wasn't responsible for the outage. and i did feel a little bad that they had to bear the wrath of the public. which bring me to the next point...that in times of crisis, people just want a scapegoat. apparently, internet access is an essential in today's world. initially, i was angry at the telco too. but upon further thinking, i realized that i should be angry with the ones who caused the problem, ie. the construction company that cut the cable. i can understand peoples' frustrations, though, and their desire to vent at the nearest available thing that's remotely associated with their inconvenience. although i also do feel that m1 could have exercised better crisis management. personalized, constructive replies instead of template answers, and being more prompt with updates on the situation are the two main areas of improvement that i can identify for them. but back to my main point...it's a little scary how irrational people can be. like, there were people demanding discounts, compensation, you name it. personally, i think that the construction company should be fined, and the fine used to offset a day's charges from affected customers' bills. it seems that this is a relatively frequent occurrence, too. according to statistics published by netlink trust (the fibre operator), there have been 23 such cable cuts in the past 5 years. that translates to about one cut every 3 months. considering that there are good practice rules/guidelines in place, i think that's a little excessive. anyway, i just hope that this thing happens infrequently enough that people affected can be patient about it.

-random thought of the day: Slack weekend.-