Feeling a little conflicted now, and it's probably not helped by the less-than-restful sleep that i've been getting. seriously, i've had weird dreams every single night for at least the past week. perhaps i need to change something up in my daily routine...maybe sleeping and waking times?
so, i'd guess the main reason for these conflicted feelings is that what i think i should do doesn't match up with what i'd like to do. i'd like to just tell lawyer guy that i'm interested in him, and hopefully he'd be agreeable to at least give dating a try. but i think that i shouldn't rock the boat now, for reasons amply expounded upon in previous posts. it's not helping that i'm getting irrational feelings of...worry? possessiveness? fear (of losing time with him)? due to some circumstances in-game. a part of me wonders if i should just tell him, get rejected, and move on, but another part of me kind of wants to keep the hope alive.
you know, there are 2 main schools of thought when it comes to people wanting things (including relationships). one school is "if it's meant to be yours, it will be yours eventually". that's kind of passive. the contrasting alternative is "you should fight for what you want". i guess that's the philosophy that gave rise to homewreckers. not to say that the third party is always solely to blame; after all, cheating requires consent from both parties involved in the affair. my own view is a mix of the two - "what's meant to be yours will come to you eventually, but there are things you can do to speed up the process/increase your odds". it's the "lead a horse to water" thing again. everything you want can be placed in front of you, but you have to reach out for them, too. maybe now you can see why i'm having trouble waiting despite it being the "right" thing to do. but knowing myself, there is a more-than-average chance i'll mess things up more if i take any action. so, i guess it just boils down to me having to convince myself that waiting is the best possible thing that i can do at this point. as you can see, it's not always easy.
i met scary JC friend and our mutual friend this past thursday for afternoon beer, which turned into afternoon margaritas because the beer place they wanted to go to was closed. note to self: afternoon alcohol is a bad idea. could also have been me drinking on an empty stomach. anyway, moral of the story is to avoid alcohol as much as possible. i don't quite understand why people like getting drunk, especially since the recovery becomes so much rougher with age. we spent close to 5 hours chatting about several things, mostly about finance-related stuff, since our friend is an insurance agent and remiser. he was telling us about how some people around our age had quite sizeable stock portfolios, and about some others who could live comfortably off their stock dividends alone, and about a friend of his in goldman-sachs who made $6000 a month as an intern. it made me feel inadequate/behind in a way, because i honestly don't have much to my name. without doing detailed calculations, i'd guess that my net worth is under $50000. then again, i should also remember than i am relatively unburdened. no mouths to feed or anything like that. i'll talk about it more in my end-of-year post, but perhaps this year can be regarded as a break of sorts.
the meeting also (re-)confirmed something for me - that i've been gaining weight. it's due to me being not very active in the latter half of this year. while i know that at least a part of it is attributable to that bout of depression, it still feels like i'm making excuses. depression as a reason for not doing something sounds so flimsy to me. might be because i've only been exposed to the "suck it up" mentality that's typical of asian upbringing, and serving NS, which reinforced that mindset. honestly, even today, i still don't get why some people had so much difficulty adapting to regimented army life, like staying in camp. but well...i think that the reminder for myself here would be that just because i don't see/experience a problem, doesn't mean that the problem doesn't exist. everyone processes things differently, and we should have empathy towards others. makes me wonder where we draw the line between accommodating people and calling them out for faking/being too entitled, but that's a topic for another day.
back to my main point - i should do something about it. from previous experience, i tend to go at it too hard and fast, and end up burning out. that results in an unsustainable regimen, or worse, injuries. so, the plan is to (do my best to) ignore judgmental looks from others in the gym, and lift whatever weight i feel that i'm capable of. in addition, i'll aim to do workouts at fixed times each day. figure it's easier to get into a routine that way. will also look into stuff outside of the gym, maybe walks along the park connector. this will help add some variety to the mix. and most importantly, to be super disciplined when it comes to food. if i want to see a change, i'll have to commit to making it happen. right now, i have anywhere between 4 to 9 months left in singapore, depending on which path to japan opens up. regardless, my aim is to end up in japan in 2020. so, the idea is to use my remaining time in singapore to get in better shape. it really is quite downing to notice the changes over a few months. will probably elaborate on this in a future post.
for now, i'll just relax and attempt to find peace for the lawyer guy situation. am kind of considering talking to the guild leader about it, but i don't think that i'll take that step unless something really necessitates it.
so, i'd guess the main reason for these conflicted feelings is that what i think i should do doesn't match up with what i'd like to do. i'd like to just tell lawyer guy that i'm interested in him, and hopefully he'd be agreeable to at least give dating a try. but i think that i shouldn't rock the boat now, for reasons amply expounded upon in previous posts. it's not helping that i'm getting irrational feelings of...worry? possessiveness? fear (of losing time with him)? due to some circumstances in-game. a part of me wonders if i should just tell him, get rejected, and move on, but another part of me kind of wants to keep the hope alive.
you know, there are 2 main schools of thought when it comes to people wanting things (including relationships). one school is "if it's meant to be yours, it will be yours eventually". that's kind of passive. the contrasting alternative is "you should fight for what you want". i guess that's the philosophy that gave rise to homewreckers. not to say that the third party is always solely to blame; after all, cheating requires consent from both parties involved in the affair. my own view is a mix of the two - "what's meant to be yours will come to you eventually, but there are things you can do to speed up the process/increase your odds". it's the "lead a horse to water" thing again. everything you want can be placed in front of you, but you have to reach out for them, too. maybe now you can see why i'm having trouble waiting despite it being the "right" thing to do. but knowing myself, there is a more-than-average chance i'll mess things up more if i take any action. so, i guess it just boils down to me having to convince myself that waiting is the best possible thing that i can do at this point. as you can see, it's not always easy.
i met scary JC friend and our mutual friend this past thursday for afternoon beer, which turned into afternoon margaritas because the beer place they wanted to go to was closed. note to self: afternoon alcohol is a bad idea. could also have been me drinking on an empty stomach. anyway, moral of the story is to avoid alcohol as much as possible. i don't quite understand why people like getting drunk, especially since the recovery becomes so much rougher with age. we spent close to 5 hours chatting about several things, mostly about finance-related stuff, since our friend is an insurance agent and remiser. he was telling us about how some people around our age had quite sizeable stock portfolios, and about some others who could live comfortably off their stock dividends alone, and about a friend of his in goldman-sachs who made $6000 a month as an intern. it made me feel inadequate/behind in a way, because i honestly don't have much to my name. without doing detailed calculations, i'd guess that my net worth is under $50000. then again, i should also remember than i am relatively unburdened. no mouths to feed or anything like that. i'll talk about it more in my end-of-year post, but perhaps this year can be regarded as a break of sorts.
the meeting also (re-)confirmed something for me - that i've been gaining weight. it's due to me being not very active in the latter half of this year. while i know that at least a part of it is attributable to that bout of depression, it still feels like i'm making excuses. depression as a reason for not doing something sounds so flimsy to me. might be because i've only been exposed to the "suck it up" mentality that's typical of asian upbringing, and serving NS, which reinforced that mindset. honestly, even today, i still don't get why some people had so much difficulty adapting to regimented army life, like staying in camp. but well...i think that the reminder for myself here would be that just because i don't see/experience a problem, doesn't mean that the problem doesn't exist. everyone processes things differently, and we should have empathy towards others. makes me wonder where we draw the line between accommodating people and calling them out for faking/being too entitled, but that's a topic for another day.
back to my main point - i should do something about it. from previous experience, i tend to go at it too hard and fast, and end up burning out. that results in an unsustainable regimen, or worse, injuries. so, the plan is to (do my best to) ignore judgmental looks from others in the gym, and lift whatever weight i feel that i'm capable of. in addition, i'll aim to do workouts at fixed times each day. figure it's easier to get into a routine that way. will also look into stuff outside of the gym, maybe walks along the park connector. this will help add some variety to the mix. and most importantly, to be super disciplined when it comes to food. if i want to see a change, i'll have to commit to making it happen. right now, i have anywhere between 4 to 9 months left in singapore, depending on which path to japan opens up. regardless, my aim is to end up in japan in 2020. so, the idea is to use my remaining time in singapore to get in better shape. it really is quite downing to notice the changes over a few months. will probably elaborate on this in a future post.
for now, i'll just relax and attempt to find peace for the lawyer guy situation. am kind of considering talking to the guild leader about it, but i don't think that i'll take that step unless something really necessitates it.
-random thought of the day: My gel wrist rest is leaking.-
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