Being tired after refereeing is not new to me. what did catch me off-guard, though, is HOW tired i'm feeling right now. i'm practically ready to call it quits and have a super-early night. but that won't happen, since i still have to read up the conversation for tomorrow's tutorial. and there's a listening quiz then, too. joy.

today's refereeing went pretty well, i guess. as well as first days go, anyway. gave my first "hiki-wake (draw verdict)"! i also quite like the new referee badge that we got. it's thick cloth, blue in colour, with pretty good embroidery. the holder it came in (for us to slide onto our shirt pockets) is a piece of plastic bent in half, with one half of velcro stuck on. the back of the badge has the other part of the velcro...it's the same idea behind the formation patch on army uniforms, but bigger and more mobile. the purpose of doing this is the same as the army's...ease of transferral. if we ever get IJF continental or international certification, the badges that we get are (probably) also velcro-backed, so we can just tear the old badge off and use the existing holder with the new badge. but well...continental certification is still some years away, let alone international. have to pass national A and senior A referee grades first before i even think about that.

the accompanying tie is not bad, either. it's a nice shade of shiny navy blue (i think. sorry that my colour description skills are lacking). the material is pretty nice too...only problem i have is with the workmanship. the back of the tie is held closed by single stitches only (as in one stitch per few cm, not a single running stitch), which makes it a little weak. still, i think that it'll be ok, since nobody is going to pull on our ties or anything like that (right?).

interesting bit of trivia: the SJF logo says that its chinese name is "星加坡柔道总会". yes. "star" instead of "new". but the logo hasn't been changed since the federation's inception (i think), so oh well. interesting bit of history.

back to the main point...refereeing. i've had full refereeing days where i felt more energetic than i do now! maybe it's just nationals. refereed a total of...4(?) team matches, and judged for a couple more. i know i've said this before, but refereeing at nationals is severely pressurizing, with coaches, teachers, students and observers yelling their opinions out. it's ok for some schools, when the yelling is advice directed at the players. i quite dislike having people try to correct my scores when they don't have the official capacity to do so. not that i don't value their opinion, but it's severely distracting. at any rate, i'm relieved that i won't be refereeing any finals matches this time round. school has given me enough pressure already.

performance-wise, i heard that CJC didn't do that well against HCI and/or raffles in the semi-finals yesterday. you immediately go to semi-finals when there are only 4 schools. anyway, they're up against NYJC tomorrow. don't know how it'll go, but fingers crossed. too bad i won't be there to see their team performance, but i'll get to see their individuals, so that's something at least.

my friend (who is a fellow referee) told me that there's going to be an NUS-CJC-NYJC combined training soon. i'm excited about it, because it's (to my knowledge) the first time a university is engaging the JCs through judo. pity that it's set for the monday of week 13, as i have an organic mechanisms test the next day. we'll see how it goes, i guess. hope that i can somehow fit everything nicely into place and attend the function while studying sufficiently for the test at the same time.

have you seen this picture anywhere?

it's quite self-explanatory, i think. basically various drugs' dependence tendency and harmfulness, presented in chart form. kind of makes me wonder...if alcohol and tobacco are legalized, shouldn't drugs that are less harmful and less habit-forming be legal too? granted that i don't know if the data is reliable (but it's on wiki, at any rate), and that i'm not a healthcare professional, who am i to say?

last 3 things. work, blogger, and someone. work-wise, i'm uncharacteristically free tomorrow. reason being that my professor is still looking over report draft 2, and i already threw a rough powerpoint show together for the oral presentation. of course, strictly speaking, i'm NOT free, because of all the studying i have yet to do. but occasional delusion is good i guess.

blogger's probably going to enforce a mandatory layout change to the new white layout, which appears cold to me (the layout, not the act of forcing everyone to use it). the change is scheduled for april, which is...soon. well, i figure i'll just go with the flow and let the change happen when it happens. though come to think of it, april's probably a bad time for this change, since i'll probably have to redo my template close to (or even during) exam season. bleh.

ok...someone time. i know i must seem obsessive, posting about this person so often. but it's a new, interesting experience. despite finding out about some of that person's flaws, the interest hasn't gone away. you know what they say...love is blind, or at least severely myopic. though i can't exactly call it "love" right now, you get the idea. looking at it from a more analytical point of view, though, i wonder if i'm being too accommodating. i know that it's probably going to be a handful. and yet, i'm willing to take the risk. maybe it's because the potential benefits are much more attractive than the potential repercussions? or maybe my heart is being an idiot again. reminder to self...have to take things slow. "wise men say, 'only fools rush in,'" after all. all in due time.

-random thought of the day: They should do a version of this song about guys.-

As deadlines draw ever closer, the thought of giving up has been running through my brain more frequently. it just seems too much to handle at times. if i were to disregard my UROPS from now on, there would be SO much time freed up. but, my desire for an A- average prevents me from ignoring anything. well...bear with it for 2 more weeks. i'll have only 3 finals to worry about after week 13 is over.

speaking of UROPS, the report is almost done. just sent the second draft to my professor for him to vet. hope it comes out ok. the thing that really bugs me now is that i probably have to translate 18 or so NMR spectra into words. while i sincerely hope that that can be avoided, i know deep down that i'll have to do something about it. and i've got to start on my presentation slides soon. bugger.

here's a scenario...suppose you had to take an exam which you didn't really study for (like, you'd just scrape a pass at best with your current knowledge). now, if i gave you an answer sheet that would help you score 90%, would you (a) use it as it is, (b)use it and try to find the other 10%, or (c) throw it away? for the sake of argument, let's rule option c out. the main thing i want to ask is, would you accept 90%, or try for 100%? bear in mind, with your knowledge, you don't know for sure which question is wrong. so changing any of the answers has inherent risk. which one wins? your desire for more, or fear of losing what you're already guaranteed?

in other news, i've had several interesting conversations with someone...the same someone from last post. how do you know when you like someone? i tried to answer that, and the best i could come up with was, "it's based on feeling". so much for logical, rational explanations. but well, things are...ok-ish for now. hopefully they stay that way, or improve.

i'm scheduled to referee tomorrow. feeling a little nervous about it, but that's normal. think that as long as i ease into it, things will be ok. just be confident. things will work out.

-random thought of the day: Still feeling weird.-

Here's a bit of interesting trivia to start this post: i've never been in a relationship. why am i bringing this seemingly-irrelevant piece of information up? you'll find out later.

first, though, i'll write about a topic which has been on my mind for the last 3 weeks at least...schoolwork. tomorrow is the beginning of week 11, which means that there are only 3 more weeks of teaching to go before reading week and exams. and this also means that deadlines are fast approaching. in order of magnitude of stress, here's what i have lined up:

- UROPS report and presentation (due in less than 2 weeks' time).
- organic mechanisms project report and presentation (due slightly later than UROPS).
- lab practical exam and quiz (2 saturdays from now).
- lab reports (standard issue, one due this week and another one due 3 weeks later).

seems like most of the arrows are scheduled to hit around late week 12. figure that if i make it to week 13, things will turn out ok. question is, will i even make it? while i know what i have to do for each of the assignments, their combined magnitude is...pretty huge. i'd probably be busy enough just focusing on UROPS alone, actually. well, small steps. i can somehow guess that writing the reports won't be the main killer...finding and organizing the references will. still, it has to be done. definitely going for small steps. can't imagine completing the entire report in 1 or 2 days.

you've probably been asking why i brought up what i did at the start of the post. well, it's because i sort of met someone with potential. a very loose definition of "met" is being used here. it's been a while, and i think i sort of like that person, though there are quite a few circumstances not in my/our favour. i'm quite hesitant, because i have more to lose. still, something tells me to go for it. it feels...weird though; i'm not quite used to wanting to see or talk to someone this badly. well, i think it'll work out. just have to take things slow.

i think that's all that i want to talk about for now. should try sleeping early for a change.

-random thought of the day: Prioritize!-

Frustration is no stranger to me, but i don't recall feeling this much of it in a while...like since leaving the army. anyway, there are 2 main sources of this frustration. you can probably guess that the first one is school. now that the semester is ending in about a month (already!!??), things are starting to come together. and by "things", i mostly mean deadlines for reports, projects, and the like. i'll probably manage ok at the end of the day, but the process still feels horrible.

the other reason for my frustration is kind of...stupid, i guess. remember how my stalker skills usually allow me to find people on the internet? well, they've failed for once. believe me, you have no idea how much i want to scream because of my lack of success. although i have a few leads, most of those which show potential require me to be on facebook. as much as i want to settle the matter quickly, i'm not about to reactivate my account yet. guess waiting for another 6 weeks or so won't kill me...though it might come close.

judo national schools is being held earlier this year...in a couple of weeks' time, as compared to july last year. this creates some inconvenience, as i have to miss some lessons for refereeing, instead of refereeing during summer break when things are nice and slack. well, i figured that if the referee director sees fit to ask me to referee despite knowing i'm otherwise occupied, he has his good reasons. so i got 2 (maybe 3, depending on how tomorrow's meeting with a lecturer goes) days off for refereeing. while it's not very smart to miss school, i figure that i can still catch up decently enough.

-random thought of the day: Obsessing over things and/or people is unhealthy.-

Nothing much to update about...just the usual stress, which has intensified because my UROPS report is due in slightly less than 3 weeks' time. going to meet my professor to talk about it tomorrow. that should relieve some of the stress, since most of it stems from me being clueless about what to include in the report. if i can write a 6-page lab report in 4 days, writing a 20-page report in 3 weeks should be manageable, right?

the weeks seem to be getting longer, and mixing into one huge blur of activity. like, i can't remember whether i did some stuff 1 or 2 weeks ago. mildly worrying, but then again, i suppose it's expected, what with more worrying things at the forefront of my brain. something that i do remember was that there was a transition metals mid-term this past tuesday, which i think i'll do decently for. nothing really tricky, just massive copy-and-paste from memory.

for the past 2 weeks, my dad has been going to work later in the day, which means that i've been able to catch a lift to school more often. while i am grateful for the time saved, as well as for the effort he takes, i do get somewhat annoyed. reason being is that my dad is the exact type of driver i do not want to share the roads with. not signalling when filtering, sometimes occupying 2 lanes...it's inconsiderate. of course, he's been driving for the past 30 or so years, so i trust that he'll get me to school safely. but now that i've got my license, i can't help but feel a little...less-than-happy.

"driving karma" is a little hypothesis i've been thinking up. could it be that because my dad is this way to other drivers, other drivers are the same way to me? i have a feeling that's why i've been meeting more horrible drivers recently. but, that's just a random observation.

also met up with a few JC classmates at nex after tuition today. just hung out for a bit and caught up. seems like everyone's more stressed this semester. well, i'm grateful that we can still put time aside to meet up.

tuition is not making me too happy. the sec 4 boy is pushing my patience to its limits. i asked him to do 4 chapters of mcq, with reference if needed, over the holidays. he did 2 in one week, and the other 2 in 15 minutes when i was there. makes me wonder if i should call myself a babysitter instead of a tutor. and he was supposed to revise organic too, which apparently did not happen. i really really do not think my expectations are too high. revise alkanes, alkenes, alcohols, acids, and polymerization within one week. but the really annoying thing is that he speaks without thinking...it's as though he's just throwing random words in the hope that something he says is the correct answer. if he keeps this up in the next session, i'll probably have to have a word with his parents.

it amazes me how the kids don't get the simplest of things...but then, i bet that's how my professors feel about me sometimes as well. J1 boy is still making careless mistakes, like dividing instead of multiplying. but i think he'll get straightened out in school. to their credit, though, i must admit that both of them improved in writing compounds and equations, though solubility hasn't 100% sunk in yet.

the J1 girl is bright, but i guess she's a bit too inflexible. like, she can follow examples very well, but she gets stuck when the question is twisted. still, she's not my major concern for now, because she catches on quickly enough. i just wish that she'd have more confidence to try intimidating questions by herself.

hope i'm not jinxing anything, but next week seems to be relatively slack. UROPS lab work is wrapping up, with just 2 (difficult) columns left to go. no lab report next week, and normal lab session should be easy, as all i have to do are IR, UV, and a crystallization. gives me time to catch up on transition metals and mechanisms. which reminds me. i have to do research for the mechanisms group project. bugger.

-random thought of the day: Still haven't got my shoes.-

I had intended to blog on tuesday, but tuesday became wednesday, wednesday became thursday (and so on...) until i'm finally blogging today. while i admit some laziness on my part, the delay was also due to fatigue and stress. so, this post should be slightly longer to make up for the lack of updates.

one thing i forgot to mention in the last post is that my shoes are dying, even after multiple repair jobs with shoe glue. it's been close to 1.5 years since i bought them, so i guess they lasted for a reasonable time. now, the sole is only attached by little bits at the toe and heel, which makes walking in them feel a little weird. not to mention the danger when driving. What if a pedal gets caught in the space between the sole and my foot? as such, i haven't been wearing them for a while now. in fact, i went to queensway last sunday to shop for a similar-looking pair. didn't spot anything decent, though, even after about an hour of browsing. either the colour wasn't right, or i'd find a decent pair but with an ugly design. so, the current arrangement is that i'm falling back on my track shoes until i find a new pair which i like. maybe i should start closer to home, and try looking at J8, AMK hub, or even novena. perhaps next weekend, since i don't foresee many early days this week.

it seems that showering in the morning before 8:00am gives me a running nose for the entire day. probably something to do with the time taken for my hair to dry, and the lower ambient temperature at that time. makes a really convincing argument to not go for morning lectures. then again, things called hairdryers do exist, so it's not really an excuse.

pressure is building on the UROPS front. the deadline for submitting my report is about 20 days away, and i haven't got started yet. this time, it's not because i'm slacking, but because i don't know what exactly the professor intends the scope of my project to be. and that detail is bugging me to no end, because i can't start writing the report if i don't know what to write about. guess i'll ask him for details again sometime next week. of course, i also understand that in his perspective, writing a UROPS report may be insignificant compared to his 6 phd students and 2 honours students. and most importantly, i hope he's not overestimating my ability, like if he expects me to churn out 20 pages overnight.

luckily, NYJC girl didn't want tuition this week. gave me more time to rest and recuperate. the 2 guys are kind of worrying me, because they still can't write compounds or balance equations properly. is my teaching method not working as well as it should? it's never failed before...but there's a first time for everything. how can i get them to remember the charges? having never faced this difficulty myself in secondary school, i can't exactly remember how i learnt the charges. all i know is that it was pretty natural.

so...seems like my stress levels won't go down until april or so, after UROPS is over and done with. in the meantime, major obstacles in the more immediate future include lab report, a transition metal mid-term on tuesday, and the usual japanese quizzes. (hopefully) nothing i can't handle.

-random thought of the day: Still need to catch up on sleep.-

My brain knows that i slept a little more than usual over the weekend. the problem is that the message got lost in translation while on its way to other parts of my body. how else can i explain feeling dog-tired even after a weekend of (supposed) R&R?

anyway, this'll be a pretty quick post before i sleep. umm...tuition. last post, i wrote about this new tuition kid who would be seeing. "would be seeing" has now become "have seen", and i'm optimistic about this one. she caught the idea behind redox equations and A-level mole calculations quite quickly. i foresee an enjoyable time tutoring her.

as for the other 2 kids, the J1 guy is ok, though he still has some problems remembering solubilities and ion charges. quite annoying. the sec 4 kid is getting on my nerves a little, because he keeps cutting me off with what he thinks i am about to say. i wouldn't mind so much if his guesses were accurate, but he's wrong like 95% of the time. if he could guess my thoughts, he probably wouldn't need tuition. have to be patient.

now, for former tuition kids. J2 CJC boy (who is now in the army) got a C. while i am mildly unhappy, i can't say that i didn't see it coming. his level of preparedness was probably enough for J2 mid-years at best. but comparing to his other results, his chem wasn't the worst, so that's some consolation. RJC girl got a B, which i more or less expected too. not bad, but could be better.

because genius me forgot to bring my thumbdrive home, i have to delay sending my professor the data that he wanted. well, he needs it by tomorrow afternoon, so i figure it's ok even if i send it by about 11:00am. meanwhile, i guess i should go off to bed. there's a long day tomorrow, after all.

-random thought of the day: Feeling pressure.-