6:15pm. as good a time as any to start on my year-end post. without any further ado, here we go:

to start off, the theme for my 2005 would most probably be "new beginnings", although there is no such thing as a 100% new beginning because of the relationships and connections carried over from secondary school. maybe a more suitable theme would be something i stole from the pre-u seminar: NENO - new engagements, new opportunities.

leaving cat high was hard, i'll admit. that's why i still go back to visit every now and then. also, settling down into CJC was worse. from being the biggest fish in the pond, we were moved to the lake, where even bigger fishes reside. transition is tough, but the blow is often softened by certain factors in the environment, such as familiar old friends, or nice new ones.

this year has also seen me make some really important decisions, one of them being my choice of JC. as i've said before, i'll never stop questioning my decision of picking CJC over SA, not until i see the As on my result slip, at least. i guess being in CJC for the first intake sort of influenced my decision. there are many instances where i've made wrong choices, but i've been fortunate enough to be able to rectify the problem later, and for that, i'm grateful.

being in CJC for a whole year has been kind of fun. the old impression i had was the high birth/abortion rate stereotype that's been around for quite some time. heck, even on the first day of school, i was dreading spending 10 full weeks there. but after actually being in the school, and experiencing the culture there first-hand, it's become so much more. it's also offered me many opportunities, like the abovementioned pre-u seminar, where i met many wonderful people (important) and found out more about singapore's problems (less important).

i think i've also gained more wisdom (not to be confused with knowledge) this year. from learning how to form and maintain inter-personal relations to acquiring better money-managing skills, to having more independence, i think i've become more ready to handle life after school. not completely ready yet, mind you, but i'm getting there. in addition, i've also grown in spirit. even though i don't have a religion, i've held on to most of my beliefs, even in challenging situations. and i think that makes me that much stronger.

even though it's been quite a good year, there are some regrets. some of these include not scoring a bit better for the o-levels (even though 9 was a pleasant surprise), occasionally overspending, not attending holiday training as often as i'd like, and not making that much of an effort to know some classmates better. but what can be changed will be changed next year. more of that in my first post of 2006, where i draw up new year's resolutions.

in summary, it's mostly been good because i've kept to most of my resolutions for the year. i can't thank everyone enough, for everything they did throughout the year to/for me, whether good or bad. after all, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

before i round off my last post of 2005, here's a little quote on facing fears and being yourself:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our dark that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people don't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously let other people do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

here's looking forward to a better 2006.

-thingy of the day: Parting words: If you believe, you will achieve.-

Sian.

cousin & family are coming back from the US in about 2 hours' time. hopefully i can stay awake to welcome them (and get something i asked them to buy, that is, if they remembered). heard they had quite a good time. i think tomorrow will be devoted to watching videos of the trip.

december 29th already. oh wow. for once, i won't talk about the amount of work i have left. just 2 more days before i summarize the year, and come up with new year's resolutions, targets and all that stuff. 2 days seems like an awfully long time, especially when you're eager to do something, be it write something you really want to, or visiting the dentist to get an annoying piece of thread out of your mouth.

reading fanfiction (or original fiction) can be fun. it's nice to get caught up in a story and identify with the characters. provides some distraction from ordinary life and kills time quite effectively too. but it's tremendously emotional, like when a character you've known for about 6 well-written chapters suddenly dies. i don't think i'm sounding completely rational (or making that much sense) here, right? but well, authors really have it tough. especially those who churn out story after story after story. writing ONE good story is already hell. i've tried, and i don't think my work is that good either.

well, that's all folks! </lame cartoon imitation>

-thingy of the day: Help me; I'm looking forward (sort of) to school.-

DRQ is finally done. that means i've finished (2/9 + 1/3) 5/9 of everything. well, at least it's over 50%. still need to do a whole chunk of chem and essay plans, not to mention 6 econs articles.

there are 3 more days left (excluding today) before 2006 comes. i've already started thinking about what to include (and exclude) in my year-end summary post. i'm thinking that it (the year-end thing) will become a tradition. to be honest, i can't wait to write it.

apparently, there's a CCA open house rehearsal tomorrow. damn. guess i'll be sleeping early and won't be sleeping in. have to reorganize my schedule also. arrgh. let's see...rehearsal from 10 to 12, possible outing from 12 to about 3, library until about 4:30, run at 5:20. ok, no problem.

well, there's not much for me to say now. just that i hope that i can get my chem and econs 100% complete before school reopens.

-thingy of the day: Never trust the Zen Micro's Sync option.-

Well, it's christmas. nothing that special really. had some relatives over yesterday, so it's quiet today. i don't know about everyone else, but celebrating christmas isn't all that high on my priority list. maybe it's because i'm not a christian, or i guess there's not all that much to celebrate about, what with outstanding homework and all.

you know, on my daily walk today, i realized that this is my second-last december holiday. after next year, i'll be officially "working" for the army, so there's no term break any more. then after that, it's university, which doesn't have a break throughout december (i think). it's kind of a stunning revelation. i mean, december has always been the month of slacking, and that's all going to change soon. but that's all a year away; no use worrying about it now.

it seems no matter what mood i'm in, be it hyper or sad, angsty or happy, discouraged or motivated, bon jovi always has a song for it. i think that's the main reason for their longevity and massive fan following. personally, i think their proclamation of having 100, 000, 000 fans is a little underestimated. i'll post lyrics to one of my current favourites later. even though there are some christian references, it's main focus is to have self-confidence.

7 more days to the start of school (excluding today). oh wow. where did all that time go? i guess it's time to recalibrate the body clock. have to start sleeping early again. how sian. soon, it'll be back to the same old routine. oh well.

recently, i've started doing those sudoku puzzles found in today (the newspaper). excellent stimulation for the brain, but the thing is, i guess i'm not that proficient at it yet, because i still have to rely on some guesstimation to complete it. maybe i should get one of those "idiot's guide to" books and practice. and speaking of books, i realize i've been neglecting my norman lewis. oops. i'll get back to him once more pressing issues (homework) have been settled.

now, for those lyrics:

Bon Jovi - Welcome To Wherever You Are
Maybe we're all different
But we're still the same
We all got the blood of Eden running through our veins
I know sometimes it's hard for you to see
You're caught between just who you are and who you want to be

If you feel alone and lost and need a friend
Remember every new beginning is some beginning's end

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life; you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
That right here, right now you're exactly where you're supposed to be
Welcome to wherever you are

When everybody's in and you're left out
And you feel you're drowning in the shadow of a doubt
Everyone's a miracle in their own way
Just listen to yourself, not what other people say

When it seems you're lost, alone and feelin' down
Remember, everybody's different; just take a look around

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life; you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
Right here, right now you're exactly where you're supposed to be
Be who you want to be, be who you are
Everyone's a hero, everyone's a star

When you want to give up and your heart's about to break
Remember that you're perfect; God's makes no mistakes

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
Right here, right now you're exactly where you're supposed to be
Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far
(I say welcome) Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far
(I say welcome) you got to believe
Welcome...

-thingy of the day: Interested in Sudoku? Click here-

After spending close to 1.5 hours on 2.5 questions in the s-paper set, i'm giving up for the night. it's really really taxing to work your brain, especially when said brain has not been working that hard for a long while. to add on to that, my notes aren't with me at the moment. OH THE HORROR!!! i must say, it was quite a hard hit to my morale. i think i'll stop chem for a while (maybe 2 days) and work on econs DRQ first. they look pretty do-able. hopefully i'll be able to finish all the DRQ by tomorrow. looking on the positive side, at least maths is all done.

all of a sudden, i feel like going to cheng si (nickname for sakae sushi buffet). been quite a while since i've done that. hmmm...*idea forms* that'll be an incentive if i get all my DRQs done in the morning/early afternoon. sometimes, rewarding yourself like that really gets you going. and i have to visit the library to return some of my books anyway, so going out can accomplish many many things.

in order to wake up early (by holiday definition, around 9:30am), i should be going off to sleep now. but what the heck. i figure i can spare a couple of minutes or so.

a thought just crossed my mind. i've been wanting to talk about this, but never really got down to it. if you know my taste in music, you'll know i generally dislike jay chou's songs. well, in his new album, there's this song that sounds pretty good, even to me. it's called yi lu xiang bei, or literally translated, one road going north. this has led me to believe that most singers/bands will produce so many songs in their career that almost everyone will like at least one of them. of course, that's provided you actually like their genre (i still don't like linkin park, even though they have quite a lot of songs), and that they've spent significant amounts of time churning out songs.

better sleep soon. there's a long day ahead.

-thingy of the day: Life's boring.-

Must...resist...urge...to...scream......not...resisting...well......giving...up...

*SCREAMS* arrgh. i feel quite pissed off now. not only did i not do anything constructive today, but i got an SMS to try out some S-paper questions. 'ok,' i thought, 'let's see what i may have to do next year.' it was only after logging on to colac, searching for the group, downloading the file, and actually looking at my potential questions for next year when my urge to scream kicked in. how am i supposed to know which hydrogen is acidic in vitamin c, or how to prepare barium iodate? i never even knew about the iodate ion's existence!! but then again, i should have guessed it since there is a chlorate ion and all...

maybe i should have expected the questions to be that stunning. after all, all i have is only the JC chem foundation, and an incomplete one at that. i think it's time to be proactive and head to the library for research. hopefully the info i need will be there. and i can return some books too. double advantage!

and i still can't find my foam earphone cover thing. *is pretty annoyed* it should be lying around somewhere...as long as nobody threw it away by mistake. i still don't understand how it can detach itself from the earphone while i was sleeping. ok, the earphone was in my ear at that time, but i don't think that had any major influence on its disappearance. ah well...i'll have to root around the room for a while more. worst case scenario, i take off the other cover so that it looks more...even.

ah well. i hope tomorrow will be more productive.

-thingy of the day: The electricity used by an air-con per hour is equivalent to that used by the fan for 10 hours.-

It's going to be christmas soon. that's not really such a big deal for my family, since we're not christians and don't celebrate it. just thought i'd mention it. to me, the most significant thing about christmas is that it's a sign. it's saying that this year is almost up, and a new year is coming.

now that the holidays are almost drawing to an end (*gasp* so quickly!??), i want it to last longer. but at the same time, i want to start school again. indecisiveness.

as a sort of motivation, i'm going to do a little to-do list of the work i have and haven't done:

- Maths P&C
- Econs MCQ
- The rest of econs
- Chem

going by my calculation, that's 4/9 of all work done. right now, chem takes top priority because it has to be done to even stand the tiniest chance of taking the s-paper. i'll do it by...christmas, which is 5 days away. as for all that econs (5 years of promo papers - no joke), i think i'll try to fit bits of it between chem, and my ultimate deadline is the 30th.

you know, i'm considering moving this blog away and password-protecting it. then, i'll start a new blog under the icanbefoundat domain. no, it's not because my dark secrets are exposed for all to see, it's just that i'm not that proud of my earlier posts (think 2003, when this blog was really new). or maybe i should delete some of my previous posts. or not. if i do delete stuff, i think i'll kick myself for it when i'm 40 and in a reminiscing mood.

got caught in the rain for a bit as i was making my way back after my evening jog/run. it's rare where there are suitable conditions for enjoying a walk in the rain, but today's conditions were perfect. the only slightly regrettable thing was that my shoes got rather wet. but they'll dry. it's walks like these that make me feel alive, know what i mean?

i'm kind of annoyed because one of the foam earphone cover things from my mp3 player has gone missing. i hope it'll turn up soon.

-thingy of the day: Only 13 days before school reopens.-

Finally done writing all my christmas cards. just mailed all 12 of them today, so i guess my recepients will receive theirs in the mail a couple of days from now, unless there's insufficient postage. they said any letter weighing below 20 grams will cost 23 cents to post. i weighed 20 of those letters (all of them with 23 cent stamps) together, and got a total weight of 479 grams. do some rough calculations, and each letter weighs 20+ grams. oh noes. but what the heck. i figure it'll get through. i mean, with the volume of mail coming and going through the post offices close to the festive season, i don't think they'll weigh each and every letter. besides, unless my estimation is way way off, each letter should only weigh 15+ grams max. of course, i could be wrong, but let's just hope for the best.

normally, i would have waited until the 20th to even begin writing my cards. i guess the main reason i started early this year is because i want to eliminate all possible excuses before settling down to do that accursed homework. as of now, i have 15 days of december and 2 days of january to get it done. counting the last 3 days of december and january out, that's 12 days left. oh wow. counting weekends out, that's 7 days only. breaking it down like that serves to reinforce the fact that i'm almost out of time. maybe i'll be forced to work on weekends as well.

ok. time for some target-setting. i'll do as much maths as i can (hopefully all), and a bit of chem (at least 6 questions) tomorrow. must slowly build momentum for a good start next year.

i also watched forrest gump for the first time today. yes, i'm a bit slow. i wouldn't say that movie is super fantastic, but i can understand why it won 6 grammys (or was it oscars? one of the above anyway). i think the best movies should work on an emotion that you like having worked, follow me? that's why there are so many different genres of movies, each with their own target audience.

let's see...what else do i have to say? ummm...my right knee's a bit screwed, so i laid off running for today. must get back on track tomorrow though.

and i want a dog!! they're just so cute and furry and *gushes for a while*...*stops* you get the idea. but right now, it's kind of impractical, what with a-levels and army and all that other time-consuming, keeping me away from home for long periods of time sort of stuff. sometimes, i wonder what it would be like to not have an education, and not care about the lack of knowledge. something like being a subsistence farmer, where knowledge of maths, physics and all other academic stuff is redundant, and an "education" would mean learning about how to plant rice or something. even though the standard of living might be lower, the quality of life would be somewhat equal.

well, that's all i can think of for now.

-thingy of the day: Nobody can belittle you without your consent.-

Guilt manifests itself as negative emotions. i have no doubt about that any more. my homework (still) lies untouched, and i've lost all motivation to do it. i feel so sian. on one hand, i know i should finish my homework as early as possible to enjoy the remainder of the holiday, as well as to ensure i don't delay it until it's too late (i.e. school has already reopened), but on the other hand, i can't find it in me to sit down for the required amount of time to finish it off.

this is wrong. this behaviour, i mean. life kind of sucks now.

-thingy of the day: Nothing.-

I don't know why i'm blogging now. nothing that significant has happened since the previous update. holiday homework's still rotting in some dark corner, no interesting outings (as of yet), and i'm just watching the days go by.

it's kind of odd...even after the o-levels and a whole year of JC, i still find it hard to shake my last-minute syndrome off. the main reason for this is most likely because it still works for me. i mean, not to be boastful here, but studying only on the previous night for a physics paper and scraping an A is not something you hear about every day. granted, it was a CJC paper, so the standard most definitely could be higher. nevertheless, i must try to minimize doing last-minute stuff.

life's funny. one day you feel perfectly fine, the next, you feel like the love of your life dumped you for another person. this is speaking metaphorically, of course. i haven't had a love of my life to get dumped by yet, so i don't know how it feels. not that i'd want to find out anyway. the word that most adequately describes my feelings now would be "dejected". oh well.

and my computer won't shut down properly. stupid thing. i guess i'll meddle with some settings and pray that it doesn't crash. i highly doubt it will, but you never know when dealing with computers.

-thingy of the day: A computer has unlimited potential, but only if it's programmed the correct way.-

No more stitches. *sings* but there's still a strange feeling when i yawn. i guess it's just the stiffness from not opening my mouth as wide as usual for a little more than a week, and i think it'll diminish with time.

i've been doing some calculations. no, not for maths homework, but about my future. i'll be done with army at 20, complete all my education by 24 or 25, and get a decent paying job. somewhere along the line, i see a dog coming into the picture. i'm still not sure, because dogs take money (less important), effort (important), and time (most important). with my planning to be single and childless (ok, maybe not single, but definitely childless), i don't know how the dog will be taken care of when i go to work. maybe calling someone in daily?

ok, ok. i really have to stop living in the future. why am i talking about work when my a-levels are about a year away? i guess too much time on your hands makes you do a lot of reflective (and prospective) thinking. honestly, i can't wait until i move out and live independently. i guess it's because to me, moving out is a kind of great thrill, since i've never had the experience before. for all i know, army or maybe overseas study will change that particular mindset.

still need to do lots of holiday homework. so annoying. ah well. i guess it's because last year was homework-free. need time to adapt. have to get up, get going, and finish the remaining 8/9 or so of it.

-thingy of the day: People are using "vibrant" too much.-

In 12 hours, my stitches will be gone. *insert "yahoo", "glory", "hooray", and all those happy sounds* finally i can chew, yawn, and sneeze properly, and regain the ability to move my mouth in all sorts of strange contortions. happiness.

over the past 2 days, i have made a dent in my big pile of holiday homework. i finished 4 out of 5 years of econs MCQ. since that's roughly 1/3 of an econs paper, and econs is one of my 3 subjects, i have done a little less than 1/9 of the total workload. oh dear. seems like a lot of stuff, but i will persevere. lucky we only have to do essay plans, and not the essays themselves.

it has come to my attention that i know next to nothing about the labour market chapter in econs. oh noes. i need serious help. or i could choose to ignore it, seeing that i'll most likely only have to retain the knowledge for a little less than a year, unless i choose (by some ungodly twist of fate) to take econs in university. but oh well. no point it brooding over it in the holidays.

i suppose i'd better be off to sleep. have to be up bright and early to see the dentist tomorrow.

-thingy of the day: Must finish homework soon.-

I don't like sleeping alone. i tend to imagine all sorts of weird things which will keep me awake, and nervous. once again, this is thanks to the trauma inflicted on me around 10 or more years ago by my cousins. i think it's about time i faced it and got over it...maybe with the help of a therapist. or not. oh well. next time, i'll refuse to watch any horror movie, no matter who suggests it.

since i'm bored, this is something ripped off from Juliano:

an "x" means the statement is true/valid, ">" or half an x means partially true. "?" is unsure.

[ ] I'm afraid of the quiet. (Quiet is good sometimes.)
[x] I am really ticklish.
[>] I'm afraid of the dark. (A little)
[>] I'm afraid of facing my back to open doors at night. (Depends)
[?] I am homosexual.
[x] I believe in true love.
[ ] I listen to political music.
[ ] I collect comic books.
[>] I shut others out when I'm sad.
[x] I stayed out all night.
[?] I open up to others easily.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I watch the news, some of the time.
[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[>] I love Disney movies. (Some...Nightmare Before Christmas.)
[ ] I am a sucker for green eyes.
[>] I don't kill bugs.
[x] I curse often.
[ ] I have "x"s in my screen name.
[ ] I've slipped and fell in public.
[ ] I've slipped out a "lol" in a real conversation.
[ ] I love Spam.
[>] I bake well.
[ ] I have worn pajamas to class.
[ ] I have owned something from Abercrombie.
[x] I have a job. (Being a student; not getting paid though.)
[ ] Talked on a phone for 5+ hours.
[ ] I love Dr. Phil
[?] I like someone. (Like as in like, or as on LIKE?)
[ ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[x] I am self-conscious. (In the positivest way possible.)
[x] I love to laugh.
[x] I have tried alcohol.
[ ] I drink alcohol on a regular basis. (Next year...)
[ ] I have tried a cigarette.
[ ] I have smoked a pack in one day.
[ ] I loved Lord of the Flies.
[ ] I have cough drops when I'm not sick.
[ ] I can't swallow pills.
[x] I have a few scars.
[x] I've been out of this country.
[ ] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[x] I love chocolate.
[x ] I bite my nails. (Sadly.)
[ ] I am not comfortable with being me. (I like me.)
[ ] I play computer games when I'm bored. (PS2 for me.)
[ ] Gotten lost in the city.
[ ] Thought of suicide before. (Big no-no.)
[x] Seen a shooting star. (in movies/TV)
[x] Had a serious surgery. (Dental? Seems serious to me.)
[ ] Gone out in public in your pajamas.
[ ] Have kissed a stranger.
[ ] Hugged a stranger.
[ ] Been in a bloody fist fight with someone of the same sex.
[ ] Been in a fist fight.
[ ] Been arrested.
[x] Laughed and had some type of beverage come out of your nose. (Rice too.)
[x] Pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[ ] Made out in an elevator.
[ ] Swore at your parents. (Hopefully I'll never have to.)
[ ] Kicked a guy where it hurts on purpose.
[ ] Been skydiving.
[ ] Been bungee jumping.
[x] Gotten stitches.
[ ] Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour. (I hate milk)
[ ] Bitten someone.
[ ] Been to Niagara Falls.
[x] Gotten the chicken pox. (Long time ago.)
[x] Crashed into a car. (Go-karting?)
[x] Went to Australia. (Specifically, New Zealand)
[x] Ridden in a taxi.
[x] Shoplifted. (8 or so years ago.)
[ ] Been fired.
[ ] Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[x] Stole something from your job. (Chalk, in primary school.)
[ ] Gone on a blind date.
[ ] Had a crush on a teacher/coach. (Eew...generation gap)
[ ] Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[ ] Been to Europe.
[ ] Slept with a co-worker.
[ ] Been married.
[ ] Gotten divorced.
[>] Saw someone/something dying. (I last saw each of my grandparents within a week before they died.)
[ ] Driven over 400 miles in one day. (I want to.)
[ ] Been to Canada.
[x] Been on a Plane.
[ ] Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[ ] Thrown up in a bar.
[x] Eaten sushi.
[ ] Been snowboarding.
[ ] Been skiing.
[x] Been ice skating.
[>] Cried in public. (Maybe when I was a kid.)
[x] Walked purposely into traffic with your eyes closed. (Jaywalking king.)
[ ] Liked someone even though you knew you shouldn't have.
[ ] Thought of someone almost 24/7.
[ ] Hates the world.

it's 12:34:56 am now. i don't really feel sleepy, mainly because i woke up about 12 hours ago. but i figure it's good to get more sleep in, because tomorrow, i begin the war with my maths holiday homework.

-thingy of the day: *Countdown* 5 more days!!-

What do i want in life? it seems that my future plans are a bit clearer than before. now, i want to complete university (hopefully with honours), find a nice job dealing with chemicals, and make enough money to satisfy my material wants for the rest of my life.

in order to acquire all this money i will be needing, i foresee the need to chao pia for the first 5-10 years of my working life. maybe i could even further my studies and earn a doctorate, thus commanding a higher salary. Dr. Lee...sounds impressive. i don't see myself having any kids, because they're really high maintenance and have the ability to shorten lives by a whole lot. i think a nice dog will be a great substitute. then, it's retirement at 60(?), where my significant other and i (if any) will travel the world, visiting almost every country at least once, find somewhere to settle down after all that travelling, and maybe breed dogs for the rest of my life.

however, before all that will materialize, i have to overcome several short-term barriers, the most obvious being the a-levels next year. right now, based on my J1 results, i'm predicting 2As, 2Bs, A2 for GP, C5 for chinese. not too bad, but not too satisfactory as well. i'm thinking of going abroad for university studies, but only time will tell if that will be the case. at present, the only grade i cannot change is chinese, since i sat for it already. this leaves 5 subjects' grades in my control.

you know, i don't know why i'm posting this. i think it's more of a reminder than anything. so that i can look back when i'm, say, 20, to check on how closely i'm working to realize my dream. or maybe, when i'm retired, on one sunny day, i'll decide to look back at my archives and chance across this post. then i can see how far off i am (was? will be?) from my goal. of course, i expect my life's ambition to change eventually, and even then, this serves as a good reference point.

as many motivational speakers will tell you, the first step to making a dream into reality is to believe that it can happen. as my favourite WWE wrestler, Shawn Michaels, so aptly puts it, "If you believe, you will achieve." but believing is no good by itself. it only gives you the motivation to take action. getting up and going is usually the hardest part of the entire process. that's why i'm going to start on my holiday homework tomorrow, and finish it by...christmas or earlier. preferably by the 20th to 22nd. still need some time to send christmas cards.

-thingy of the day: 6 more days and my stitches will be gone!!-

Since my speech has been rather limited recently, let me express myself here.

OWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!

the lower left side of my mouth feels weird. don't let the exclamation fool you; it's not exactly painful. just...weird. if anyone can find a better word to describe having stitches inside your mouth, please inform me. while i can function almost normally, it does get kind of annoying when i make some expressions which tend to stretch the wrong places. and there's this nagging (probably unfounded) worry at the back of my mind that the stitches will rupture *touches wood*. can't wait until next friday, when it's time to remove them. 8 more days of fun.

i've been talking on and off about emotions. the focus of today's post (other than my horrific post-surgery experiences) is about overcoming negative emotions. for instance, overcoming fear. thanks to dictionary.com, the definitions for "fear" are

A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger.
A state or condition marked by this feeling: living in fear.
A feeling of disquiet or apprehension: a fear of looking foolish.
Extreme reverence or awe, as toward a supreme power.
A reason for dread or apprehension: Being alone is my greatest fear.

some people say that you fear what you don't understand, and the best way to conquer your fear is to try and understand the thing you're afraid of, sort of like in batman begins. while i can see the logic behind this approach, what if it backfires for some reason or another? won't you end up more afraid of that thing than you were previously? i guess that's why it takes great courage to face your fears.

i've probably said the following before (sometime last year or so). i hate to be called a disappointment/ disappointing/any variation of the word. it's a very nasty word which should not have made it past the dark ages, and i would sooner wish death on someone than use it. however, i guess it's one of the most appropriate words to describe the singapore soccer team's performance. it's really quite bad to have many (4 million +) people supporting you, and yet to let them down. i'm just wondering how they feel now. sure, the coach says he's satisfied. but just think. newspapers published the DARE campaign for a few weeks (if memory serves), gaining support for the team and causing the whole island to be aware of the initiative. yet, they didn't get a medal (which is still forgivable), and worse still, got eliminated quite early on. now, if a lesser popularized sport (like judo, which has been getting hardly any media attention) were to perform badly, i think the participants would feel bad, but not to that large an extent.

also, tomorrow's the execution of Ngyuen Tong Van, the vietnamese-australian drug smuggler. to be frank, i don't understand why everyone is kicking up such a big fuss about it. i mean, you're in that country, you follow its rules. maybe if i were in his shoes, i'd think differently. after all, preserving my life would be of utmost importance. i suppose australia is fighting because the death penalty is something they strongly abhor. it's sort of like fighting for your beliefs, or in this case, fighting against your disbeliefs. well, whatever the case, tomorrow, the execution will take place, be it for better or for worse. i really hope australians do not do drastic stuff like attack singaporean immigrants/PRs or anything stupid like that in response.

*little note: i do not recommend capital punishment all the time. i believe each case should be reviewed to ascertain whether the criminal deserves the death penalty, or if he can be pardoned based on any mitigating factors that might be present. of course, i'd try to avoid sentencing people to death as much as possible, but then again, i'm not the government, so it's not up to me.*

ok. i think this is one of the most current affairs-y posts i've ever made. i don't think this will happen again any time in the near future. but you never know, it just might, since judo is starting in the SEA games.

-thingy of the day: I can't wait to remove these (literally) bloody stitches!!!-