Describing my emotions is not easy even under the best of circumstances, let alone when i'm in a state like this. the past weekend feels surreal. so many things happened in such a short time! now that things are winding down, i'm actually feeling very overwhelmed as the full weight of everything that happened is sinking in. coupled with a long non-blogging period, things are really building up inside me. as usual, my first response to an overly-emotional situation is to try and categorize how i'm feeling. there's a mix of mainly happiness and sadness, along with some relief. it's not as simple as that, though. some of the happiness and sadness come from the same event, which sounds paradoxical at first, but will be explained later.

thursday started with an unpleasant surprise. i was awakened by a phone call from one of my teammates, who suddenly remembered that chingay coincided with the event. apparently, he was scheduled to perform with the japanese association (or some other japanese body), and though the performance was in the evening, the performers had to be there in the afternoon for makeup application and various other stuff. it was quite frustrating, because 2 guys signed up for our plan, which made the total number 6, ie. 3-on-3 ultimate frisbee. but removing one person unbalances the teams. after some discussion, we decided that the show would go on even with an odd number of people. i felt quite frustrated, because the guy had worked hard on the project with us, and i'd wanted him to be there to see things through all the way. that guy is usually pretty meticulous, so i don't know how he missed this big clash. well...some things can't be helped. we all have our blind moments; i should know.

the NCAP course started on friday, so it was pretty hectic. rushed down to SJF after japanese class, and made it for the course. it was a pretty good refresher, and i learnt some new stuff as well. one particular thing i remember being highlighted was that people have "different", not "better" coaching styles. how does one rate the goodness of a coaching style, anyway? if i had to answer that question using a scientific approach, i guess that in an absolute sense, the coaching style that works for the most people can be considered the "best". like maybe take 100 complete beginners, and see how many of them pick up a certain skill by a certain time. of course, due to differences between human beings, this experiment would have low repeatability and reproducibility, so perhaps it's not such a good idea after all. ultimately, the "best" coaching style differs from student to student. if my style works with only 1 out of 100 people, i'll be the best coach to that person, but not to the other 99. human nature complicates things, i guess.

after the NCAP session, i was unexpectedly invited for dinner to welcome the japanese guest instructors. ok, fine. i jokingly asked my senior if there was room for one more (he was buying them dinner), and i wasn't expecting him to say ok. so, of course i went! would any sane judo practitioner turn down an opportunity to meet kodokan instructors!? dinner was at this chinese restaurant in takashimaya. along with the japanese sensei, there were a few other judo elders whom i've never seen before. the food was good, and i got to practise a bit of japanese with both sensei, as well as the national coach (who, despite being korean, speaks great japanese). so, that was about it for day 1 of NCAP.

last year, while studying japanese 2, we had the choice of whether to go for the speech contest or not. for japanese 4 students, the element of choice was removed. thankfully, i had the experience of going to the school before, so i knew what to expect, along with estimated travelling times, which was a great help in planning the schedule for the tour. the speech contest was interesting, and as usual, i was impressed by the japanese kids' english standard. there were 2 guest speeches in japanese, and sadly, i still didn't understand most of the content. all i could make out were various familiar words here and there, but not really enough to derive the meaning of the speech. i still wonder when will be the day where i can smoothly deliver a reasonably complex speech or presentation in japanese as naturally as i can in english. not "naturally" in the sense that there are no mistakes, but in the sense that i can improvise and paraphrase, so that i just need a list of key points and not a script. if i'm lucky, i'll reach that stage before turning 35.

we had a quick rest and regroup in one of the school's LTs (well, large tutorial room in NUS terms), met our respective japanese kids, and went off to execute our plans. the 2 guys who signed up for my group's thingy are both 16 years old, pretty athletic, and classmates. one of them also played frisbee before, and if i got the message correctly, he played frisbee for his school before. i was particularly impressed that he also took the trouble to do up some name cards to distribute to us. it also made me feel a little bad, because i didn't have any on hand to return the gesture. anyway, we went to edusports (the newest part of utown) for lunch, and started frisbee after a short digestion break. turns out we didn't play ultimate after all. we were (ok, i was) sufficiently rusty enough that the warm-up period was extended. we did, however, play the frisbee equivalent of monkey, which has a japanese name (which i've forgotten) that translates roughly to "bird in a cage". after a quick shower, we took them around utown for a bit, visiting the mac and pc commons, as well as other study rooms. i think they were quite impressed by the sheer size of the place. despite not liking to be photographed, i had to appear in the photos to prove that i was there, so no choice. really hope that they were satisfied. managed to get their contacts, and i hope that we'll maintain a friendly relationship even as time goes by. talking to native japanese speakers has exposed the glaring inadequacy of my own japanese. i'm still unable to do the polite/plain form switch when talking to a few people of different status at once. not to mention my sense of politeness level is pretty bad.

before the kodokan grading yesterday, there was a short kata practice session. my partner and i demonstrated our katame no kata for the sensei, and we received some minor corrections on form and positioning. key word here being minor. don't know if it's because we're somewhere there already, or because the japanese sensei didn't want to give us an advantage over the japanese team for next month's competition. as for the grading, here's where things got a little messy. the grading itself was doable...breakfalls, techniques, kata. i liked their policy that if you failed breakfalls, you failed the grading there and then. seems kind of harsh, but at the same time, i understand the rationale. a person going for black belt is expected to be able to perform breakfalls correctly 100% of the time. the examiner said they chose to test easier techniques, which was good (for us, that is). kata-wise, i know i messed up my nage no kata...maybe not to the point of failing, but definitely not good enough to get high scores. some mistakes i remember were not maintaining my balance after a few techniques, bad finishing posture, and just poor form overall. and if that wasn't bad enough, i learnt that we had to do both tori and uke roles. for nage no kata at least, the uke role is much more tiring, because it involves more movement than the tori role, not to mention a lot of breakfalling, sometimes from a height. was wiped out by the end of it. shows how unfit i am. i really salute the referee director, who went for...5 runs or so in total. nage no kata may be his speciality, but 5 runs is still no walk in the park. as for why things got messy, i admit that it's partially my fault. this time round, i didn't take grading under NUS. therefore, the NUS coach was trying to clarify stuff, and the *something* seems to be hitting the fan. but i was told not to worry about it, and i'm hoping that i won't have to. day 3 of NCAP ended with dinner at kallang's long beach restaurant, and it was also a farewell party for the sensei.

interestingly enough, after dinner, the younger sensei asked us if we wanted to go out drinking. the older sensei was feeling tired and wanted to have an early night, it seems. after a quick trip home to change and whatnot, we met up again at clarke quay, where the sensei went on the reverse bungee thing. was pretty cool, actually. i was surprised that he was game enough to try it. quite a steady guy, he is. amazingly, he smokes, but is still ridiculously fit. following that, we went to chomp chomp for some local stuff, like satay, stingray, noodles...typical hawker food. we also took the opportunity to get more contact details, and i'm proud to say that i have a kodokan 6th dan in my friends list! since it was getting late by then, we had another round of drinks nearby (sensei wanted something stronger than beer) before i dropped the guests off at their hotel, and the other people at their respective homes. by the time i got home, it was already past 2:00am, which explains why i woke up late today and only went to school for a short while, before going off to the airport to see the sensei off for their flight back to japan.

in the past 3 days, i've probably used more japanese than for the past 24 years (outside of japanese classes, that is). it's hard to explain, but entertaining the high school kids and the sensei made me incredibly happy, despite my broken japanese. yes, stop the presses, i actually became MORE happy after social interaction! i guess it just affirms my goal of ending up in japan. and the fact that i got to learn from 2 6th and 8th dan instructors just makes me grateful beyond words. this past weekend feels somewhat surreal, like there were too many events packed into 72 hours. of course, i know that i can't entertain people like this every day. my wallet would die. but it was a nice change from the usual monotony. and about the mixed feelings, i'm overjoyed at all the positive stuff that happened this weekend. learning good judo, having fun with the kids. at the same time, i'm also sad that something like this won't happen again for a long time...if ever again. i kind of wish life had a save/load function, so that i could relive and reexperience this weekend again.

now, for the not-so-happy stuff. most of it boils down to one word: politics. and the reason politics exist can be summed up in another word: selfishness. some coaches have day jobs, while others rely on judo to survive. the NUS coach belongs to the latter category. i can sort of understand why he does certain things - mainly to maintain his rice bowl. but there is a point where these things start to get on my nerves. the sad thing is that most coaches have a "with me or against me" mindset, which creates a lot of problems. i don't know...i really don't want to be a part of this rubbish. maybe i should just go for the kata competition, then retreat to CJC/SJI until the situation improves. i seriously want no part in this at all, and definitely not to be the centre of a dispute.

one of my juniors (in terms of age only) told me that a fair number of people have issues with my refereeing. previously, i'd thought i did a decent enough job. apparently, that's not the case. seems like i've been awarding wrong scores, particularly for the smaller throws. according to her, my perception of control is off, and that's because i don't compete. can't argue with the latter bit, so i guess i'll have to improve on that. i think asking the referee director for his honest feedback is a good next course of action. while i sincerely hope that it's only a minor issue, it still needs to be resolved.

not everyone is born equal. some are born into wealth, others into poverty. some are born healthy, others not so much. the reason i'm writing this is because i've recently been acquainted with a guy whose family is really rich. we know each other from judo, actually. he's working on kime no kata, so we see each other during kata practice. now, there are 2 types of rich guys. nice rich guys, and not-nice rich guys. he belongs to the former category, and while i'm mildly envious of him (he goes to the kodokan at least once every year), i can't find it in myself to dislike him. but well, the only fair thing about life is that it's unfair to everyone. have to make the best out of what we have.

earlier, i mentioned that i got home after 2:00am last night. lucky, this week is recess week, so i could sleep in and not worry about showing up for class. on the flipside, i've got a fair bit of arrows to settle too. here'a a list to help me keep track:

japanese
- thank-you letter and reflection essay*
- study for quiz* and mid-term
- kanji*

asymmetric
- prepare project presentation*
- study for mid-term

bioinorganic
- study for mid-term

honours
- experiments
- thesis draft/outline*

i should get cracking tomorrow. since i have to prepare a powerpoint and 2 word documents, think i'll not go to school, and try working from home. at least have to finish the *-marked items within this week.

-random thought of the day: Have to sleep off the excess feelings.-

Yesterday didn't work out exactly according to plan, but everything still got done in the end. first thing i did was get a haircut. the usual barber i go to was closed, but thankfully, a nearby hairdresser was open. for as long as i can remember, i've had a slight disinclination towards hairdressers. seems weird (to me) for a guy to go get his hair done. but i was pleasantly surprised at the good service. maybe it's because the staff there had formal training. then again, i don't know if the typical malay barber goes to barber school (or if barber school even exists), so it's probably not fair for me to say that. there was a stab of uncertainty when the hairdresser asked if i really wanted to cut it, but i went through with it in the end. long story short, my hair is back to about army-length. it feels ridiculously weird, not to mention the interesting reactions from the people in lab. and when a breeze blows through my hair, i get this really interesting shiver which starts from the sides of my head and goes down my spine. must be all the nerve endings being stimulated more due to the increased movement of the shorter hair in the wind or something. that takes some getting used to. actually, shorter hair in general takes getting used to. after the haircut, i went home for a shower and by habit, used the usual 2 pumps of shampoo. just imagine how much foam i had! of course, there are benefits too, like i don't have to arrange my hair before sleeping, or wait 15 minutes for it to dry after a shower. but anyway, i'm more or less used to the new hairstyle already, except that i forget sometimes, and find it weird when i feel nothing as i reach up to push my hair back. just wonder what the rest of the chem kids will think when they see me.

lab sucked. despite leaving the reaction for 6 hours, and having clean, fast columns, the NMR shows that i still don't have my desired products! not sure if the reaction simply doesn't work, or if the actual product decomposed, or what. i'm mildly worried because i should be stopping lab soon to focus on thesis. after this failed second attempt, my mentor says he'll give it a go. hopefully he gets better results than what i got.

the major major plus point for short hair, and main driving force for my haircut, is that kata practice feels so much better. i can now struggle all out, without worrying whether any hair will get ripped out or whatever. i think our kata looks so much better now, though i'm having some problems remembering the various little details for all 15 escapes. that, in combination with fatigue and my experiments failing, made me quite frustrated with myself. my partner definitely noticed, because he told me to take it easy. he's being nice, definitely. competition's in 3 weeks or so, and we're about 45% prepared as an optimistic estimate. think we have to increase training frequency to twice a week...though with thesis and lab, that might prove difficult. well, we'll see how things go. i'm fairly confident that we can get our collective act together by (or even slightly before) competition time.

i feel productive today! managed to get a few errands done. after japanese tutorial, i went to ask the lecturer how many people signed up for our plan, and i was told that we had 2 guys. in addition to the 4 of us in the group, that makes 6 people. looks like we're set for 3-on-3 frisbee. i just wonder if we'll have enough people to make it fun? and on a pretty late decision, i went down to novena square (velocity) to get frisbees as gifts for the high school kids. at the same time, i saw they had an outdoor survival-type store, and got a replacement cap for my water bottle (the strap of the old one broke back in year 2 or so). all in all, a rather fruitful trip.

next few days are set to be busy. not sure what to do for tomorrow, since my professor cancelled asymmetric. might go down to SJF to retrieve my name tag (the one which my OC made for us in thailand), and maybe lend the president a hand or two. i think i left the tag in the office after showing it to someone. there's the NCAP course from friday to sunday, and of course, the speech contest and frisbee thing on saturday. still debating on whether to take the kodokan grading or not. all in all, i think i'll be pretty occupied up till sunday at least. thank goodness next week is recess week. i could use a reduction in pace, as well as some time to organize my references and maybe write the introduction and experimental parts of the thesis. oh. i finally got round to opening my red packets. $174 total from the once-a-year relatives, $100 from my dad, and $500 from my aunt and uncle, making the grand total $774. seems to be more than last year, according to memory. but who's keeping track?

-random thought of the day: Must find time to read conversation for Friday's class.-

People from different social circles have been asking me the same, rather unexpected question quite often recently. i wonder why. it's almost too coincidental to be a coincidence, know what i mean? anyway, i'm sorry, but for my health reasons, i'm not going to reveal the question here. i'm normally pretty good at maintaining a poker face, so i'm wondering if i did something (more) out of the ordinary (than usual), and gave something away. who knows?

most people seemed to be down with the monday blues today. well...more monday fatigue than monday blues. i actually rested my eyes for 30 seconds during asymmetric, and that's a first. totally KO-ed in bioinorganic (not a first), and i wasn't the only one this time. i have this sneaky feeling that the lecturer's voice induces sleep. not that he's boring or anything, but his voice comes out quite muffled and soft after going through the microphone and audio system. well, at least i don't think i missed much. and whatever i missed, i'm sure i can either understand it myself, or pick up from friends.

anyone who has known me for some time will know that i absolutely hate being photographed, so much so that i actively dodge cameras. the only times i will willingly be photographed are when seniors whom i respect ask (force) me, or if it's a group shot and i can't escape. and the only thing i hate more than being photographed is being photographed in secret. imagine how i felt when i saw a photo of me sleeping in lecture uploaded to the chem kids' whatsapp group. and guess who was the photographer? coincidentally (or perhaps appropriately) enough, it was the one person who's been wearing my patience thin...aka. the guy i have trouble figuring out. i don't know what was his intention, but unless it was to piss me off, he failed in his mission. so, i've decided that i won't bother myself with him any more. though i'm a weird kid myself, there is an upper limit to my weirdness tolerance...not to mention that that was just plain stupid. why would someone knowingly do something that would get another person angry?

a few people have also asked me why i dislike being photographed. my usual response is that i decompose under the camera flash. but seriously though, i guess a part of it is because i know i don't fit the template of "good-looking". that doesn't mean i'm unhappy with the way i look, though. sure, losing a few (ok, many) kilos would probably so me some good physically and psychologically, but even then, i don't think i would like being in front of the camera any more than i do now. when my favourite SJI boy came to know about this, he told me that i should love myself more. i don't know...does not wanting to let myself be photographed mean that i don't like who i am? maybe physically, at least. then again, i believe in function over form, and i have to say that i'd rather have what i have now, than a better-looking body that is more prone to illness/injury. could also be because i'm somewhat lacking in the looks department that i believe that what's inside is more important. and on that note, i wouldn't trade my way of thinking or my value system for any other.

i've always thought of myself as easily-annoyed, but i don't really get angry at/with someone unless they do something stupid beyond belief. but once you anger me sufficiently, i can hold grudges for a ridiculously long time. is that accurate? may not be, since i feel that my fuse is slowly but surely getting shorter. i think i need an external perspective for this.

we resumed lab work today, and i think that for me, at least, the accident was somewhat of a blessing in disguise. not that i'm happy about my senior getting injured or anything, but in the aftermath of the incident, my fume hood has been completely emptied. this gives me a reason to do some heavy-duty cleaning and reorganization. the last time i did something similar was about this time last year, actually. you wouldn't believe the amount of dirt and grime that can build up over that time. wait...actually you might, considering i work in a fume hood which is constantly sucking stuff up. i set up both reactions as planned, but didn't run a column. figured that i should shake the monday fatigue off before that. besides, i have almost a full day to do 2 columns tomorrow. which reminds me. i'm still trying to settle my schedule. there are 3 events i have to get in order: (1) lab work in school, (2) haircut, (3) kata practice. due to time restrictions, kata practice is definitely last. so, to rephrase the question, should i cut my hair before heading to school, or stop by bishan on the way to SJF from school? i'm inclined to the former, but i just worry that i may not have enough time to meet my target of finishing 2 columns. the latter sequence wastes a bit more time, meaning that i'll probably have to hurry for lab work anyway. i suppose it also depends on what time the barber opens. i seem to remember 10:00am, and if i'm right, i can be in school by 12:30pm, giving me about 6 hours for 2 columns. the other alternative is that i do lab work from 10:00am to about 4:30pm, go back to bishan for the haircut, then head down to SJF after a quick shower. benefit of this alternative is i don't have to lug my gi around so much. i don't know. despite all this planning, i suppose i'll end up doing what i normally do - see what time i wake up and play it by ear from there.

-random thought of the day: So many mosquito bites!-

Negativity continued to build up from wednesday, until it suddenly disappeared today. maybe i'm still feeling the endorphins from judo, but this is the happiest i've felt in a week or so. ok...it didn't completely disappear, because i know there are a couple of things that are still mildly upsetting me, and i want to blog about them. first, let's recap from thursday until now.

last you heard from here, someone in my lab got injured. thankfully, it was a minor injury, and he was only kept overnight for observation, and subsequently given some medical leave. we were also cleared to resume lab work on friday, but i think most of us just rounded off to the nearest week, and will start again this coming monday. seems like both my reactions weren't complete when i columned them. and since the product is about the same polarity as the reactant, column can't really separate them. so, the workaround is to leave the reaction running for longer than recommended (my mentor recommended 6 hours, as opposed to the journal's 30 minutes). that'll be done on monday. set up reaction before class, come back and settle them at night. with sufficient luck and good timing, i can complete substrates by tuesday, and maybe even start on another reaction in the same day. here's hoping that things go smoothly.

incidentally, i think i should mention how weird it is to have your professor whatsapp you...which was what he did to tell me to pass the message that thurday's asymmetric lecture was cancelled. it's not bad or anything, just that you don't expect older generations to keep up with these trends. then again, if the information is correct, he's only like 9 years older than me, so it's reasonably close i guess. the weirder thing is that i'm not sure just how formal i should be. for instance in email, i start with "Dear Prof..." and end with "yours sincerely...". but i think that's too much for these kind of short-messaging apps. maybe i'll just go for "Hi Prof" or something. still feels not quite right though. another aspect of weirdness is that now, my professor can get in touch with me immediately. we mainly communicate by email or personal meetings, but now, he can send me a whatsapp and know if i've read it. though fair enough, the only other time he has SMS-ed me was when there was a last-minute change in plans, and i had to be informed fast. on the other hand, since i'm most likely continuing graduate studies under him, i guess he's also starting to maintain closer contact with me. i don't know; i could be reading too much into it.

school on friday wasn't that interesting. just came for japanese conversation tutorial, hung out in student room a bit, then went home. the only thing stopping me from working yesterday was that i was under the assumption that the lab would be off-limits until at least next week, hence i didn't wear jeans and shoes to school. then my professor came in and told us we could resume work immediately. so...that threw me a little. but well, there's still enough time for me to get things done by next week, so i don't feel that bad about missing some lab time.

aside from school, i also went down to the SJF in the evening for kata practice. those 10 days in japan did my partner a hell lot of good! previously, we learned the kata just by watching a video of another pair performing it at a competition. so, we had the basic forms, but not all the tiny little details in body positioning and correct leverage. and even for the techniques we thought we knew, there were so many differences, all with logical explanations. we're planning to relearn the whole first set (holds), and brush up on the chokes and locks. after yesterday and today, we've got through 3 out of the 5 techniques in the first set. i realize that actions are a lot easier to remember when you know the reason behind them. and thinking back, it's kind of interesting to see how i've grown from memorizing the movements when helping him for grading, to actually going deeper and understanding why each move is done. there's still a lot of improvement needed on my side, though. things like turning my hips more, really bridging him across, among a whole load of other stuff. we joined the referee director and his kata partner for dinner/supper at this stall selling pig's organ soup (with free soup refills!). i had a nice large serving of pig's stomach, along with 2 bowls of soup. was good, except the preserved vegetables were a little under-preserved. the trip home made me realize how close SJF actually is to the balestier and novena areas. singapore's even smaller than i'd thought.

during the kata session, i also found out that the kodokan grading held with the NCAP course only costs 4000+ yen. that translates to about SGD 50. quite worth it, i think. suppose clarification is in order. my current black belt is from the IJF (international judo federation, ie. worldwide governing body for judo). however, judo originated from the kodokan in japan, and they award their own belt ranks. so, while i'm a first dan in IJF, i'm a complete beginner as far as the kodokan is concerned. good thing is that IJF belt ranks can be converted to kodokan belt ranks, but only at an equal level...meaning that if i take the grading, i'll be a kodokan first dan as well. i've spoken to a friend, who despite being a black belt, is not planning on taking the grading. but for me...i think a kodokan rank might be useful, especially since i want to end up in japan. and since i already have a black belt, it seems to be worth it, right? furthermore, the syllabus is basically what we've done for the IJF grading (67 throws, 29 holds, first 3 sets of nage no kata), so we already have something to work with. and after today's nage no kata refresher, i think i'm good to go in that aspect at least. must work on the techniques. but there's still a nagging bit of doubt. should i really take the grading? it would suck to fail it, especially since there's no retest. i'll sleep on it for a bit more. deadline's sometime next week, i think.

group meeting was supposed to be cancelled this week. but my professor called us back for a safety brief-type thing. can't discuss too much about it, but it took about half an hour. headed down to CJC for judo training after that, and we had sparring! since i got there late, i only played 3 bouts, 2 guys and a girl. the first kid has a tendency to breathe heavily, which gives his opponent a psychological advantage since he appears tired. not the first time i've told him about it too. second bout was against my current favourite SJI boy, and was the highlight of my day. for a sec 2 kid, he gave me quite the workout! he's small and fast, and i HATE playing against small, fast people. tried to keep up with him, but that didn't really work out. in the end, we both managed to get in a few throws, and he caught me with a beautiful counter. more than ever, i really feel like taking him aside and working on him one-to-one. my biggest worry for him right now is still his mental/emotional aspect. worried that he might get complacent, or overwhelmed. despite being cheerful most of the time, i think he keeps a lot of stuff to himself. and that's not healthy. the third match was against a CJC girl, and this one was quite a dampener. as i've mentioned before, i will let people throw me, if i can see that they're trying. but this girl wasn't putting effort into her entries! the most she did was unbalance me, but didn't follow up after that! though i could see she was trying, it wasn't a good enough try. and she cried after i told her. seriously. the hell, man. please note that i didn't even shout! if she had been a guy i'd have yelled at her already. makes me worried for the girls' team. and it's not like they don't know. when i went to talk to them after training, i started with, "can you all please do me a favour?" and they replied, "be more aggressive?". see? THEY KNOW. all the stuff i've emphasized, like turn your shoulders as a unit, push and pull...THEY KNOW!!! now WHY won't they do it in sparring? makes no sense to me.

due to sparring today, my fingers are bleeding a bit, from the area where the nails grow out from. the skin really softens when you don't train regularly. things to look out for next week: haircut, japanese quizzes, lab work, NCAP course. amazingly, i just realized yesterday that next week is already week 6! that means recess week is coming up soon as well. really doesn't feel like (almost) half a semester's passed.

-random thought of the day: Waze is a pretty good (and free) navigation app!-

My latest facebook status (as of this post) is, "when it rains, it really pours". of course, i'm using "really" in writing, but if i were saying it, "really" would be replaced by a word ending in "-king". but lets keep it PG, yes? anyway, the reason i posted that is because today, things went wrong is 4 areas. well, 3 if you generalize, but you get the idea. i'm feeling sufficiently frustrated/overwhelmed to the point where i could really spit fire at the next person who pisses me off.

let's tackle this one by one, like rational human beings. thing that makes me want to scream the loudest: japanese project. well, maybe japanese in general. but project first. turns out that nobody signed up for our tour plan. i seriously think our first (rejected) plan, which was to go play pool or bowling, would have met with some positive response. but since that didn't even get past the lecturer, no point thinking about it any more. we were also told that popular proposals were going prawning, cycling, and even hiking. now that i think about it, i am mildly upset that the pool plan was rejected. because if something as common as cycling can be accepted, going for pool should be ok as well, right? of course, maybe group cycling trips aren't that commonplace in japan; i have no idea. think i should ask the lecturer for clarification tomorrow. on the bright side, thanks to an email my teammate sent to the lecturer, we don't have to go through the hassle of preparing another poster. just a simple proposal. we're scheduled to meet after japanese lecture tomorrow to discuss any new possible ideas. i'm actually going to try and propose pool to the lecturer again, based on the fact that cycling was accepted (and popular). will cross that bridge tomorrow.

japanese itself is becoming increasingly vexing. apparently, i'm not the only one with issues with the lecturer's teaching/management style. looks like i'll be giving my first negative teaching review to a japanese teacher this semester. out of the 3 male yeachers, i have to say that i on'y dislike this one. it's not even "like the least", as was the case for japanese 2. this one is straightaway "dislike". well...as long as i get an A/A-, i can tolerate it. though with the constant anguish over the project, i'm not sure how badly the grades will be affected.

next thing that makes me want to scream: an accident in my lab. i left early for SJI/CJC training (that's another thing i want to scream about), so i wasn't around when it happened. from what the UROPS student tells me, lithium aluminum hydride exploded, someone's hair caught on fire, the shower was activated, and that person was hospitalized. not to mention that the accident happened around my fume hood. it also seems that as a result, my fume hood is under lockdown for some purpose (maybe investigation). so i think i'll have to find another place to temporarily set up shop while investigations are ongoing...most probably with my mentor. thankfully, all my compounds are safe (i think...probably), and my time-consuming syntheses are over. i can continue my lab work with (hopefully) minimal disruption. don't quote me on any of this, by the way...i'm just retelling what i heard. have to find out more information tomorrow.

about judo. it can be sub-divided into SJI/CJC, and SJF. let's start with the former. as a coach, i would trust seniors to take care of the juniors, especially if the seniors have decent experience. of course accidents can (and do) happen, but i do not believe any senior would purposely injure a junior. having said that, i kind of mildly take offense when the coach forbids certain seniors from sparring with certain juniors, or yells when seniors catch juniors by surprise. i think it kind of makes the senior lose face, and makes him/her less likely to come back in future. if it truly is the senior's fault, the coach should have the EQ to tell him/her off away from the rest of the kids. in my case, the coach objects when i want to spar with much lighter juniors, like sec 1 or 2. it's not like i'm going to land flat on them right!? i personally find this to be contradictory to the spirit of judo. one of the tenets of judo is "mutual benefit". no matter the size/shape of your opponent, you are able to learn something from each other. by facing me, a good lesson for the smaller junior to learn is that brute force doesn't always work. and for me, it could be a chance to refine my timing for sweeps and blocks. but the coach doesn't see it that way. i guess because there are things called weight categories in national schools, she doesn't (or chooses not to) see the benefit of sparring outside your own weight range. or maybe she's afraid that the kid would become my throwing dummy. but any SJI/CJC kid who has sparred with me in the last 2 years will tell you that i teach/guide them as we spar, and they have fair chance to throw me too. or i could not be seeing something...i don't know. as for the yelling at seniors thing, i could be oversensitive, but it so happened she roared as i was throwing a junior. either it's a very good coincidence, or there was something she felt was not right. nevertheless, i respect her authority as a coach. if she thinks i shouldn't do something, i'm not about to call her out and challenge her in front of everyone.

for the SJF side, i think there's a very appropriate quote which can be used. loosely translated from chinese, "even liu bei has enemies, and cao cao has supporters". basically, it means that some people will dislike a man of virtue, while others will like a tyrant. something like that. read up those guys' profiles if you're interested. to put it even more simply, everyone, no matter who they are, has supporters and detractors. it's rare to find someone who is unanimously hated or liked by everyone. thus comes the problem...who do you believe? i'm starting to agree with my friend, who thinks that the best way forward for singapore judo is for all the old men to take a step back, and let the younger generation run the show. but given that some of them have power-hungry tendencies, that seems to be bordering on impossible. and admittedly, we need some of their experience, too. i don't know. the picture is seriously very messy. and in view of that, i think i should take a step back and not get involved. just train for competition, nothing else. and after the competition's over, coach SJI/CJC and maybe demonstrate kata once in a while. sounds like a nice, peaceful life in judo.

i'm expecting a bit of a shock when i go into lab tomorrow. despite having seen a photo of part of the damage, i don't know the full extent yet. i just hope that i can at least prepare my NMR samples in time for my slot. other than that, there's nothing really out of the ordinary, except for SJI/CJC training on saturday, which unfortunately, clashes with group meeting. which one to go for? though i'm currently inclined towards judo, i'll make my final decision closer to the day.

-random thought of the day: Not a very good start to the (lunar) year...-

Lab this week has had more downs than ups. out of 5 reactions, only one has a possibility not to fail...and that's only because i haven't NMR-ed it yet. after some discussion with my mentor, i'm abandoning the DMF idea. if the reaction doesn't work in acetonitrile, so be it. i'm also going to focus on 3 substrates. with that, i think we'll have enough data to publish. assuming this is all the lab work i have left, hopefully i can stop lab by the beginning of march, then i'll have a month to concentrate on writing the thesis.

i don't know if i'm getting myself into too much trouble, by trying to take on too many things at once. remember i wanted to volunteer at the SPCA? that plan has been slightly modified. i'm now looking at an animal shelter run by 2 ladies. haven't contacted them, but based on what i've read, the hours should be more flexible than the SPCA. problem is, it's located at some ulu place in tampines. the uluness is such that an 850 or so metre walk is required from the nearest bus stop! think i'll get in touch with them after thesis submission at the earliest. don't think i can handle taking care of dogs on top of honours project.

judo is, once again, on my list of things to talk about. first regarding CJC/SJI. i think i've said this before, but worst come to worst, i'm actually willing to step in to help coach the kids. problem is, as usual, honours project. don't think i'll be of much help this year, as nationals are held early. but maybe i can prepare them for next year. actually, i went back this past monday, and i think that they could use a hand.

somewhat related to the above, i signed up for the NCAP practical level 1 course. decided to go for it as i do intend to go into coaching anyway, regardless whether it's for SJI/CJC, SJC, or in the off-chance i set up a club of my own. don't know, but i think i may be diversifying a bit too much. my friend is fond of saying that normal training aside, there are roughly 4 main areas a person can go into in judo. shiai (fighting competition), kata, refereeing, and coaching. i've stuck my nose into all of these aspects...with very limited success for the first one. to be good in all 4 is practically impossible, unless you dedicate your whole life to judo. personally, i think i'm a decent referee, have slightly better-than-average knowledge of kata (relative to most other first-dans), and would make a pretty good coach. but it's hard to improve so many areas equally, since there's a high chance that something is neglected. if i had to choose, i'd concentrate on refereeing and coaching. though i don't have much interest in kata, it's a good way to understand the techniques. and interestingly/ironically enough, it seems that my partner and i are on our way to become singapore's katame no kata specialists...for now, at least. another pair may overtake us if they decide to specialize and train hard.

given my dislike for politics, i'm not too inclined to talk about it for long. all i'll say is that the political situation is more intense than i'd previously thought, and i'm dead set on not getting involved. the old men can go fight it out for all i care. as long as judo is promoted in an aboveboard and hassle-free manner, i'll support whoever's in charge. so that's it.

my professor decided to cancel group meeting tomorrow, seeing as it's CNY eve. well, we actually voted on it, but that's a minor detail. since it's CNY eve, SJI/CJC aren't training, and there's no usual morning gathering at turf city. sad how when i'm free, i'm REALLY free. so, i'll probably catch up on sleep. or if i'm feeling ridiculously hardworking, dig up references and get started on my thesis or find data for my asymmetric presentation. most likely sleep, though.

-random thought of the day: I should message some people.-

Being uncertain about the future has been the main reason for most of my blogging prompts recently. you see, after having less-than-stellar lab results, i'm now wondering whether this is really the life i want to lead for the next 4 years. facing disappointment is part and parcel of research. after all, we're going into uncharted territory, and success isn't always guaranteed. but it seems that my rate of failure is a little higher than the average in the lab. but that could also be because the seniors only present their successes at group meeting (which still amount to a lot). that means that they do way more stuff than me, so i guess their success is justified.

anyway, this has led to me giving phd studies much more thought. while being addressed as "doctor" would be cool, i don't know if the title is worth the negative feelings and long hours. in addition, after a holiday in japan, my friend is thinking of joining the JET programme. i am actually half-tempted to apply, and work as a research assistant in my professor's lab in the meantime while waiting for the application results. but i don't know...getting my phd will probably pay off more in the long run, so it's the logical thing to do i guess. not to mention that since i don't have to worry about rent in singapore, more of the income from the research scholarship can be used to repay the school fees which were taken from my dad's CPF account. i feel obligated to pay that off before i can even consider leaving the country.

one more reason i'm not too inclined to stay in singapore is because of the whole population thing. i don't know whether 6.9 million is a target or worst-case scenario, but just thinking that the possibility for the population to increase to that level even exists already scares me sufficiently. i really wonder if the people in the government who come up with these sort of policies know what it's like to be part of man-mountain-man-sea every day. even on a smaller scale, i'm already horribly frustrated by the crowds in NUS. i sure as hell do not want to see the situation scaled-up to country-level. so, i figured i'd help to reduce the population problem by taking myself out of the picture, thus an increased desire to move to japan.

some rational analysis of pros and cons of each course of action is in order. of course, this assumes that events in my chosen plan fall nicely into place, and there are no delays or things of that nature.

pros of JET programme straight after honours graduation:
JAPAN!
potential to pursue postgrad studies in japan after JET
finding out early if life in japan is really what i want
getting away from singapore, expanding my horizons

cons:
one wasted application if they accept me for next year's intake
as a result, may not be considered for NUS direct phd after JET
may give up idea of postgrad studies after JET
breaking a commitment to my professor

pros of going for phd first:
better career prospects after JET
get done with studying more quickly, while i remember most things
can pay off school fees
can take japanese 5 and 6 in NUS (if professor allows)
(related) more time to study for a higher JLPT level

cons:
may be too old/overqualified for JET
4 more years separating me from japan

what this brief comparison has shown is that logically, completing my phd first would be a better choice. more than anything, the cons of putting JET off seem to arise from my desire to end up in japan quickly. so, i guess it's an exercise in patience. or worst case, i could compromise and stop at master's...though it still seems like a waste not to go straight for phd since the opportunity is there.

on friday, i met up with most of the chem kids for dinner at holland village's breko cafe. like i said before, i haven't seen some of them since last semester. that's because we're taking different modules, and working in different labs. was slightly late due to my lab work overrunning, but dinner itself was good. i had grilled salmon with potato salad and coleslaw. i really liked their potato salad. they used pickles in the dressing, and the sourness was a pleasant surprise. after that, it was ice cream at the nearby daily scoop, where i had coconut along with the usual mint chip. their mint chip was good! coconut was more for nostalgia than anything. next time, i think i'll go chocolate and mint chip.

i was also reminded about one of my friend's ability to unknowingly(?) offend people. i think he is either genuinely unconscious that he's doing it, or he's trying to make jokes, which achieve the opposite effect. don't know if i'm assuming too much, but i think that most people can kind of read the situation from others' expressions or body language. furthermore, there are just some things you don't say to another person! his lack of such awareness seriously puzzles me to no end. but then, i guess you meet all sorts of people in the world.

presenting my progress report at yesterday's group meeting went quite well. there was a bit of discrepancy, though. i first presented in august, and again in december. so that's a 4-month interval. yet it's only been 2 months between my second and third presentation! something tell me the scheduling was messed up somehow. professor aside, there are 15 of us in the research group. that means any given person has to wait about 3 months between presentations. wonder why the wait became shorter. anyway, they seemed to be ok with my presentation; no really tough questions or anything like during the progress report to the examiners. then again, group meeting is generally conducted in a friendlier atmosphere.

CNY's next week, and with lab work to be done, i'm not feeling that festive. actually, i'd go back to lab during the break if i could. but considering my lab's made up entirely of chinese people, i don't think anyone will be around to open the doors. and since my kata partner's overseas, i'm thinking of going back to CJC just to keep the fitness up (or rather, not let the fitness go down any more). since bioinorganic lecture is cancelled tomorrow, i could skip asymmetric as well and go back. but skipping asymmetric isn't wise, especially since it's my professor's module, and there might be announcements or whatnot. other alternative is to skip group meeting on saturday...or i could just go a bit late tomorrow. lecture ends at 3:30, plus travelling time, i'll be in CJC around 4:30, which leaves 90 minutes for actual judo. doesn't really sound worthwhile actually. i'll sit on the decision for a bit. meanwhile, there's a bomb in my email inbox. caught the first couple of lines from my phone preview, and i'm really not looking forward to reading the rest. maybe i'll deal with it another day.

-random thought of the day: Have to return Sandman soon.-