Poop hit the fan, people! call it my batman sense, intuition, distrust, but i got L to confess that he went to meet the other guy earlier tonight (yesterday, by the time of this post) despite agreeing to no contact of any sort with him for 2 weeks. scary JC friend would, at this point, ask me what i was expecting. i can even hear exactly how she'd say it to me.

all i wanted in these 2 weeks, was to have L show me that he's capable of remorse, which would lead me to believe that we could end on a better note than cheating. and to be lied to AGAIN despite him knowing this too...it hurts more than previously, because i knowingly ignored the precedent and hoped for a different outcome. i can't decide if i'm more angry at myself or at L. is he really such a selfish person, to have no qualms about hurting another human being like this, especially one he claimed to have loved before? i asked him, during the nearly hour-long confrontation, whether he couldn't control his urges, whether he considered my feelings, whether he'd thought of the consequences if i found out, whether he thought i was too gullible or stupid to ask. he stayed silent throughout, which is uncharacteristic as he loves an argument. guess that's what guilt will do.

my heart just broke again, into even tinier fragments than before. i know, every single person in my support network would say (1) i told you so, (2) that he chose to lie and it's not on me. but knowing that doesn't make it hurt any less. in a sense, i do think i'm partly to blame for this time, because i trusted him despite having reason not to. he's just shown me what kind of person he is - self-centred, wanting immediate gratification, no thought towards consequences, no consideration for others...i could probably fill up a few more lines at least, but you get the idea.

the part that almost got me raging in the middle of the night during this confrontation was that i asked what restitution he was willing to offer. in the absence of any ideas from him, i told him - one slap and i'd consider us even for tonight's lying episode. he got so self-righteous about not resorting to physical violence and how our values didn't align. what happened to him aligning with my valueS of honesty and open communication? so it's ok to trample on my values while his values remain sacred? what kind of double standard is that? for the record, i don't know if he realized this before i spelled it out for him, but i literally considered offing myself before i thought of hurting him. laying hands on him never even came across my mind during the first cheating incident. so i hope you can see how much deeper the hurt is this time round. and get this - i never thought about laying hands on the ex, despite my frustration at his inability to love me. of course, that might change if i found out he cheated, but there's never been evidence of that. plus, it's been 7 years and i think i've let that go.

i really don't know who the person in the next room is any more. i am literally incapable of reconciling him with the person who i thought would be my life partner. lying once can be a mistake. lying twice is just a slap in the face. after tonight, i do not see how we can even continue a cordial interaction. i know i shouldn't ask this question nor care about the answer, but really - how does he see me? as a sucker who he thinks is still madly in love with him and hence will forgive everything he does? as a clueless moron? as someone he has to entertain before cutting ties forever? i cannot accept someone being willfully stupid, and i guess he's shown his true colours.

so...what happens now? if i stick to the original plan and stay until next sunday, i think it's going to be painful all around. i wonder if this was his actual goal, to let all the goodwill evaporate for a clean break. but knowing him, he didn't think that far ahead. i can find no other reason, except stupidity and impulse. well, i guess i know where i stand in his eyes, and that's not on me. what is on me is a different form of stupidity - being too trusting and not giving enough weight to extremely relevant past experience. but well, it seems that after tonight, this chapter is closed. as much as i thought that maybe parting on a good-ish note coupled with time, distance, and reduced expectations could potentially improve our interactions in the future, i don't think i can erase the feeling of contempt that wells up whenever he appears in my mind from now onwards. also, i think i'm going to retire the codename L for him (and possibly forever, since it's now so horribly tainted), because it stands/stood for "love", which is what i called him in the initial dating phase...and of which he's now absolutely unworthy. in the previous post, i said that i thought i could wish him well in future relationships if this current one with the third party crashed and burned. but now, i don't think that i can even find that in me. in fact, i hope everything he touches turns to ash, that the hole in his heart is never filled, and he dies alone. the chemistry guys often joke about how i'm connected to the ruling party by virtue of my chinese name. trust me, if i were, both of them would find it exponentially more difficult to live here. but not that i will care about him any more, because after i move out, he will cease to exist for me. well, maybe except in a few reflection posts, where he will be called ex 2 tentatively. makes me think i'm blogging about extreme trials in final fantasy! but let's not taint another memory.

looking beyond this mess, i probably have to work on myself as well. as scary JC friend and SRC have said, i need to love myself more/i deserve better. different words, same idea. what that translates to in a practical sense, is how i deal with cheaters in the future. forget "three strikes, you're out", "fool me once, fool me twice", or trying to save the relationship, my new philosophy (which i should have adopted from the start here) is "once and we're done". i must remember not to be an option for someone. i also want to remember not to let myself be in an inferior/weaker position again, in that i have to be dependent on someone. getting my own place is a huge step out of that.

in addition, this episode has shown me that i don't take it well when things i deem deeply significant don't go my way. i am proud of myself, in that i managed to resist clocking him in the jaw, or throwing him into the wall. although to be honest, he would be well within his rights to chase me out of the house as soon as i got physical, so there was a hint of self-preservation involved (see the inferior position thing above). what i can do from now is to focus on myself, including possibly looking into therapy, eating better and working out...although i don't know how long this OMAD/OSAD phase will last - i guess longer now, after how things went down earlier. i should use this opportunity to reset my digestive system and perception of/relationship with food as well. and most importantly, channel all the strong emotions like rage, heartbreak, contempt, spite, into my work so that i pass probation. scary JC friend shared this idea with me a couple of weeks ago, how amazing people would be at their jobs if they channeled the same amount of effort they put into their relationships into their work. time to fall in love with IP!

-random thought of the day: Wishing this was a bad dream-

Felt like i was over the viral infection at the start of this week, but i woke up today to a running nose, a cough, and just feeling bleh. did my body actually rally for IP week and then just crash again after the event was over, or did i catch something else? i have a feeling it might be the second one, because i went to sleep with mildly damp hair last night. whatever it is, i hope it goes away soon.

despite being sick, i still went for tuition. my friend caught me looking poorly after class - slumped posture, probably less than happy facial expression, and he naturally asked after me. i told him that L and i had split up, and when asked for the reason, said that it was due to L finding another guy. this friend (who is one of the chemistry guys, but one who we don't see very often because of family life) then told me that people come and go, and that we are the only constant in our own lives, so we should take better care of ourselves. strange that it sounds so obvious, but is forgotten so easily. he also said that being single is better than being partnered. considering he has 3 kids, maybe it's a case of the grass is always greener. not that i'm saying he hates his kids or anything like that, but i guess he misses the freedoms that being single brings. interestingly, i read a variation of that quote on a thread about cheaters on reddit - the grass is greener where you water it. i like that much better.

had more house viewings after tuition. finally saw my #1 choice in person, and i like it. there are perhaps some minor cosmetic things that i want to change, but overall it seems that very little work needs to be done. #2 will require more extensive renovation; like installing air-cons, hacking walls, rewiring. because of this, at least some of the money i save in buying the flat will have to go towards renovation. even then, it seems that the financially smart decision is to go for #2, because renovation can be done in phases. scary JC friend even offered to come help me paint the walls to save cost! she's going to put in offers for both places, and we'll decide to proceed depending on how the sellers respond. she's talked through various scenarios with me, and my current feeling is that what will probably happen is that we'll have to go for option #2 plus renovation. not preferred, but unless i'm willing to sacrifice another $20000 or so, that's how it's going to have to be.

related thought, pretty sure i've blogged about this before. what does it mean to be able to "afford" something? most people might define it as being able to come up with the asking price, but affording something goes beyond that to me. you should be able to pay the asking price while not killing your overall financials over it. which is why while i can cough up the money to pay for choice #1 at their asking price, doing so will not be financially smart as it will basically drain my bank accounts and even necessitate the liquidation of some investments. so, i don't consider myself as being able to afford the flat at the owners' asking price. thankfully, scary JC friend is here to negotiate for me. i sent her some figures for my financials earlier, and told her what i'd be comfortable paying. hopefully she can work some magic, because i strongly prefer #1 to #2. but then, i wonder if it's just the initial impression because #1 is more nicely done up. #2 is a bit of a fixer-upper, and the only difference is that the layout is a mirror image of #1. well...no point worrying, the logical thing to do is to see how the sellers respond first.

L went out after work today. despite him promising no contact with the third party for these 2 weeks before i move out, i don't trust that he went out for a solo walk around town as he says he did. another sign that we'll never go back to being in a relationship, i guess. i was just telling scary JC friend that while i wish that L will find happiness eventually, i absolutely don't want it to be with this guy. in fact, i want the relationship to crash and burn before i feel L deserves to be happy. but as SRC told me a week-ish ago, there's no point in wasting energy on feeling bitter because my feelings can't change reality. so i'll take the best i can get, which is not hearing about the third party at all, be it good or bad.

a positive(?) effect of this whole debacle is that my appetite has been greatly reduced. i'm basically doing one meal a day (OMAD) or perhaps it's the more apt OSAD - one snack a day - and still not feeling hungry. i wonder if this new eating style is causing me to lack nutrients, and hence messing my immune system up. i'm sure it's nothing serious, although i don't like feeling any degree of sickness. if i don't get better soon, i guess i'll just have to supplement vitamin C or something. i also trust that it will get better with distance and time. "it" here referring to both my body and my heart.

-random thought of the day: Need more and better sleep!-

Escaped from reality a bit for the past 2 days, as my company sponsored me for the annual IP week event. it was held at MBS, which was really fancy. the food was amazing, too! unfortunately, i think i overate a bit. good news is that having not much appetite for the whole month of august resulted in my formal pants fitting well again! another piece of evidence that weight loss starts outside the gym. i figure that i'll be able to control my intake better when i'm living alone. i'll talk about that after finishing up my thoughts on IP week.

apart from the fanciness, it was nice to see familiar faces again. a fair few people who joined the accursed IP firm around the same time as me are now qualified patent attorneys...unlike me. i do feel a tinge of inferiority that they've progressed so far and i haven't, but then i'm also aware that unlike them, i haven't spent the last 6 years chasing that qualification. instead, i've done the depression thing, the japan thing, tried the UK thing, and am now contributing to IP in my own way. so there's really no basis for comparison. and for the record, despite feeling like this about my situation, i am nothing but happy for them and their achievements. a few of them are still quite connected to the happenings in the accursed firm, and they told me that my ex-boss had retired, or was at least taking a career break. i feel strangely indifferent about that. seems like that's what it means to have truly let go of someone.

i'm also grateful that i managed to meet a few people who'd extended helping hands to me along the way, and got the opportunity to thank them in person. one of them, though now looking older than his linkedin photo, is still kind of cute! but yes, i know better than to mix professional and romantic relationships. plus, he was wearing a wedding ring. i also got to meet an old secondary school senior who i only knew because of our coach. i last saw him in...2015? 2016? we didn't part ways on the best of terms at that time, so i was a little nervous approaching him. but he shook my hand, and it seems like everything was water under the bridge...or was insignificant enough to him that he didn't remember what had happened. he used to work in my office, some 6 years ago, and he's still quite well-connected there. he even told my current director that i was his junior! while i don't think that will fast-track me for promotion or anything like that, i think it may perhaps make me stand out a bit more. here's hoping i don't mess that up.

due to IP week, i also spent a couple of nights at the marine parade flat. mixed feelings there. i'm told that i used to stay over frequently when i was a kid, but i only remember staying over a handful of times. anyway, although i can't remember anything happening to me, i somehow have a not-good vibe about the place. thankfully, my two nights there were uneventful. and i'm hoping things stay that way, since i'll be moving in for at least a few months starting from the following sunday. at present, the place is liveable in, although there are small things that make it less ideal. low water pressure in the shower, for one. yes, i know i should be grateful that i even have a place to move to, and that i can live alone!

while making my way back to L's place, i kind of got thinking - have i really processed the feelings and emotions over the last month? or am i just suppressing them and sticking a plaster over the whole thing while i settle more practical issues first? at this point, i'd say it's half and half. i do want to do a longer post to break down my feelings about the relationship and stuff, but i don't think right now is the best time for that since i'll still be in close proximity to L for a little while more. i think that clarity will come with distance and time. got to bear the 4-month deadline in mind, too - but i'll be out of L's place way before then. although i won't do a long post yet, i think i still want to check in on my current mental/emotional state. i think i'm ok, generally speaking. my mood appears to be stable, with the odd ruminating thought which i can quickly dismiss. i can still laugh with my colleagues, and i don't think that i'm feeling any single emotion more intensely than others.

having said that, i do feel this sense of fear/trepidation. i suppose it's natural, being on the cusp of a big change and preparing to dive into the unknown. i know i should be grateful that i have prep time, and besides, i've taken even bigger leaps than this before! just imagine - i didn't know anything about my accommodations for JET, and i went anyway. thankfully they proved to be awesome, but still. all things considered, moving to marine parade is an upgrade in many ways. living alone, shorter commute to work, being closer to my aunt. the biggest "downgrade", i guess, is that i won't be living with a partner any more. but who am i kidding - i'm not living with a partner now! L currently occupies a weird limbo space between more than a friend and not quite a partner. so, that means the biggest downgrade is actually the water pressure thing...and my own need for companionship. it's not optimal, but i'll learn to live with it.

as the popular eminem song goes, snap back to reality. tomorrow, it's back to handling cases. thankfully, being on-site for the event counts as in-office days, so i can work from home both tomorrow and friday. with luck, the most recent case that i submitted will only need minimal revisions before my mentor gives the ok. i've sat on it for 3 weeks already, and i honestly don't see how else that case in particular can be improved. here's hoping; i need some positivity.

-random thought of the day: 11 more days.-

Combo breaker time! so far, every post this month has been about cheating and the subsequent fallout. so today, i'll blog about going house-hunting and another interesting errand scary JC friend asked me to do.

errand first. she's helping her friend sell his house, and she needed better photos. so, she asked me to help "stage" the house, which is basically hiding messes from view to take flattering photos of individual rooms. it was...a chore, that's what it was. and it also reminds me not to let too much stuff accumulate, lest i face that problem in the future. seems like the universe is pushing me towards the minimalist direction. come to think of it, i should do a massive clearance when i move out of sengkang.

house viewing next. we saw 3 flats today, one 3-room and two 4-room. so far, the 3-room flat is in the lead, as far as preference goes. the 4-room places are just too big! and not only that, they're expensive too. if i were to go for a 4-room flat, getting tenants appears to be mandatory to help with the mortgage. or maybe we just didn't find one that resonated with us. anyway, i'm ok with a 3-room. as japan has taught me, i actually don't need that much space.

in the 3-room realm, the one we saw was not bad, but my top pick was unavailable for viewing today. still, it's good to have this as a backup. the seller's agent mentioned that renovation was done 2 months ago. brand-new kitchen counters, hobs, flooring, tiles. but i think that i will still need to do another (minor) round of renovation. scary JC friend says due to its age, the unit will most likely require rewiring, which means that i can redo the lighting. it looks so harsh now! i think warmer lights would be nice. and i'll have to install air conditioning too. contemplating hacking the storeroom away, but i hear that's expensive.

based on photos alone, the top pick looks more up my alley. the layout is also better - it's a mirror image of the one we saw today. colour scheme looks brighter, although the bathroom tiles are what i'd call "garish". more importantly, the storeroom was already hacked out, meaning that it looks more open-plan. the kitchen looks well outfitted, even coming with an oven! maybe it's my bias speaking, and that i haven't viewed it in person yet, but i am heavily inclined towards it. but even if i manage to snag the one i viewed today, i wouldn't count it as a loss. assuming that i have an equal chance to get both, the choice then comes down to whether i should take my less-preferred one and have a larger budget for renovation, or take my more-preferred one and do minimal modifications. that's something i'll figure out when the time comes. deep down, i know my answer already, but circumstances may force my hand either way.

IP week is on tuesday and wednesday, and it's at MBS! so i have to dress fancy (ugh) and head down. dress code aside, i'm actually looking forward to it. an excuse to not do work while being at work, plus getting to meet some old connections (assuming they're going). just trying to figure out the logistics of spending a couple of nights at the marine parade flat. i should also slowly start packing the rest of my stuff. don't want to leave any important stuff behind, after all.

-random thought of the day: Remember passport!-

Remembering more lessons from JET, the whole situation with the prefectural board of education towards the end taught me that last impressions leave the strongest impact on me; and being able to set my end date taught me that i appreciate having enough time to plan my goodbyes. that's why i proposed what i think at this time to be the best solution given what's already happened: that L and i go back to what we were before the whole cheating saga, but only for 2 weeks. after that, we split up. i'm seeing it kind of as a "conditioning" for myself to remember the feeling of being in love with him, as part of the grieving process, and ending on a "positive" note - as positive as it can be under these circumstances, anyway. as part of this, he's not to contact the other guy during this period. not a single call, message, anything.

just in case you're worrying, i need to say that i'm not doing this in the hopes that L will remember the good times and beg me to stay, or drop the other guy. he's made it abundantly clear, on multiple occasions, that that's not going to happen. it made me wonder - how did we get to this stage? how did his love for me and willingness to fight for our relationship fizzle out? but then, i remind myself that he knowingly chose what he chose, and that i bear no fault in this.

if i'm being 100% honest here, there's a mildly sadistic element to this, in that i want to deprive him of the thing that he wants most. while it in no way compares to the hurt i've felt, i don't think he deserves to walk away completely unscathed. a part of me thinks i should have asked for a month, so that it would line up with what would have been our 1-year anniversary. but while that would bring me vindictive pleasure, that's also very close to probation assessment period, and risking uncontrolled emotions at such a time is not smart at all. plus, SRC told me that i have 4 months to resolve psychological damage before it becomes permanent. considering that i'm working against a deadline, prolonging things too much isn't the smartest move, either. it's currently week 3, and it would be week 5 by the time this thing is done, so that gives me 3-ish months to flush the remnants out of my system.

taking a first step in that direction, the storage boxes i ordered arrived! in the past when moving to sengkang, i actually drove down to the toyogo warehouse to get them. but now, 9 years later (!), i just ordered from shopee (different brand, though). free delivery some more! i got 2 of the larger boxes for now, and i think they'll fit most if not all of my stuff. just got to be careful of how things are packed - no stuffed toys with knife sharpening stones, for instance.

well, i don't know how this thing is going to go. due to my penchant for codenames, i'm calling it "operation waning heart" (thanks, chatgpt!). there's a deeper significance to this name too, but i won't get into that. it seems dumb to want this, but maybe that's what i need to help the healing process. besides, what's the downside? that i'll have a change of heart? i already know that he won't give the other guy up, and the other guy's presence is a dealbreaker for me. so i think i'm covered there. as for what the future holds after these 2 weeks, i believe future me will be able to handle it.

-random thought of the day: Have faith that things will get better.-

Searching my archives tells me that i may not have blogged about the grief button analogy yet. it goes something like this:

there's a sealed box in your heart with a small, raised button marked "grief" on one of the inner walls. also in the box is a ball that's free to move and bounce around. every time the ball hits the button, you feel your chest tightening, tears threaten to fall, your breath hitches, you're overwhelmed with emotions...all the physiological and emotional reactions you know and love (NOT!) cascade down on you. and all you can do is hold on and wait for them to pass while telling yourself to have hope, and that things will get better. initially, the ball occupies most of the box, and the grief button is tripped even at the slightest movement of the ball. but as time goes by, the ball shrinks, and it begins to bounce around the box harmlessly...most of the time. thing is, the ball never actually disappears. one fine day, as a result of some unknown trigger, the ball hits the grief button and you feel all the same reactions again. only this time, you are better equipped to deal with them.

for this relationship at least, the ball is still huge. in fact, a conversation with L earlier today set it off, and i found myself in tears and unable to focus on work. thank goodness scary JC friend and (semi-)retired cousin (whose codename i'll abbreviate to SRC for now until a better idea comes along) were there to ground me and remind me of the important things. i'll also attempt a journalling exercise that SRC recommended later in this post.

i don't know if this is a rare moment of clarity or if i'm actually starting to move on, but i'm coming to terms with the fact that there is no way for me and L to continue a romantic relationship. while i had hoped to save the relationship, i know that as long as L refuses to cut the other guy off, it will never sit right with me. and i shouldn't have to accept a compromise that goes against my values. but i still want to indulge myself in a fantasy, maybe, and not end things so badly. but that's something for me to talk to L about. i would think he at least owes me this much, but if he's not willing, there's also nothing i can do.

ah heck. i'll do the exercise now. maybe it'll help me come to terms with it more, and i can put more effort into planning my so-called escape. actually, no. "escape" sounds like i'm fleeing from something, whereas in this case, i should be walking out with my head held high. the exercise is called "ten things i am letting go of".

ten things i am letting go of

1. the version of L that lives in my head, who i thought would be my life partner
2. my relationship of 10 months with L, inside jokes, secrets, etc
3. the future with L that i had hoped for and was working towards
4. my feelings for L, and any remaining hope i have that he would change his mind
5. the sense of security that having a partner brought
6. living with L and his dad and all the associated comforts and conveniences
7. the things we had planned to do together
8. any blame/responsibility i hold towards myself for L's decision to cheat
9. any feelings of inadequacy that this incident has caused me to feel
10. any resentment i have towards the third party, who, without L's permission, would not have been able to drive us apart
11. (bonus!) any regret i feel about this whole situation, because i was doing what i thought was my best, i wasn't given a chance to work on whatever L thought was insufficient, and nothing that i could have ever said or done would have made L choose me over the other guy

i am choosing to let go of these ten (plus one) things because as much as it hurts now and i want to undo the past few months just to go back to when L was head-over-heels in love with me, i know that holding on to the current situation will hurt me even more the longer i hold on. i owe it to myself to do what is best for me, which in this case, is not forcing myself to accept conditions against my values and staying with a cheater who chose someone else over me, and would potentially kick me to the kerb as a third wheel further down the line. i owe it to myself to extract/remove the source of pain so that my (emotional) wound can begin to heal. i deserve someone who loves me as i am, appreciates the love i am capable of giving, and instead of looking externally for quick fixes behind my back when things go wrong, is willing to work with me to continuously strengthen our relationship for life.

exercise #2! also recommended by SRC, this one is a letter from future me to present me. i guess it's more like a letter from my rational self to the emotional wreck that i am now, but same difference. TRIGGER WARNING: parts of it will get dark. thoughts of self-harm, mainly.

dear me,

words alone cannot express how much i hate that you're feeling this way. "heartbroken", "devastated", all the usual adjectives don't even begin to cover the depth of pain that you're feeling now. i know - i was there! this is probably the one single event that has hurt you the most in your life so far. nothing else comes close - not even busting your knees during judo, having to extend your phd by a year with no funding, giving baobei up when you went for JET, all those are drops in the bucket compared to this. after all, none of those past events have made you seriously put all that chemistry knowledge to work figuring out the exact logistics of ending your life as painlessly as possible, have they? but this one has...and i understand why. it's the best thing that's happened to you. and with the highest highs, come the lowest lows. for what it's worth, i'm forever grateful that you're still here. that you didn't give up on us, and that you placed your conviction in overcoming this obstacle to eventually get to where i am. thank you for fighting on, and trusting that you will end up in a better place than where you are right now.

given your desire for perfect knowledge, i won't sugarcoat things for you. the near future will absolutely, without a doubt, 100%, SUCK. you may know for a fact that the relationship ending wasn't your fault, but there will be times where doubts and insecurities overpower the facts, and you just dissolve into tears with no warning. side note, start carrying tissue packets around! even knowing that it's going to suck, i also want to remind you to embrace the suck. you have to go through the healing process before you can emerge stronger on the other side. otherwise, you won't be ready for love when it comes knocking. while healing, it's ok to fall backwards sometimes. 2 steps forward, 1 step back is still 1 net step forward. as long as you do your best day by day, that's all i (and anyone, in fact), can ask from you. don't rush things, let time work its magic.

as much as i want to tell you that you'll find "the one" someday, i can't. nothing is guaranteed, after all. besides, if you know that you'll be partnered in future, that will cause you to slack off in self-improvement, then events will play out differently, the timeline will change, time paradox, blah blah. so, it's best that you focus on working on yourself, and let people come into your life naturally. it's also my wish for you that you don't let your heart become hardened because of this episode, and that you will continue to love deserving people wholeheartedly.

i know you have issues with your appearance, and that's a huge stumbling block to romance. good news: appearance (build, at least) can be changed! that's something you may want to consider working on as you are healing and moving forward. but remember to do it for the right reasons. health considerations should come before aesthetics. granted, aesthetics are likely to be the bigger motivator because they're more visible! but beyond appearance, please know that you are capable and worthy of much greater love than whatever L gave you. all you need is for the right guy to come along and accept you as you are. as SRC said, if L could see it, there are bound to be others. i know we believe that L saw beyond our looks and truly loved us at one point. please, find some way to overcome your insecurity, because although it won't matter to the right guy, you still have to get over it to put yourself out there in order for the right guy to notice you. maybe you need to take jedi master's advice and sit naked in a gay sauna for a couple of hours!

right now, it may feel like you're powerless. please also remember that you have a life outside of L. try as you might, you cannot put the other aspects of life on hold while you focus 100% effort on dealing with the relationship crashing and burning. passing probation at work being the most important aspect that you absolutely cannot neglect. so, do your best to change the things that you can change.

the letter has gone on long enough, i think. in a nutshell, you are stronger (and smarter, and more attractive, etc. etc.) than you think. and it's more of L's loss than yours that the relationship is ending. it doesn't feel like it now, but time will pass, you will heal, and you will be ready to share your love again. even though the end was marred by cheating, allow yourself to grieve and remember the good times. as you are healing, just take each day as it comes and strive to better yourself even just by a little bit. you've got this, and i've got you.

all the love in the world and more,

future me

-random thought of the day: Cried again.-

Housing plans have kind of stalled. scary JC friend's boyfriend (who specializes in HDBs) said that the place we both liked wasn't a very sound investment. something about the age of the flat and resale value, not to mention the reduced loan i would qualify for because the flat's lease doesn't cover me till 95 years old. so it's back to the drawing board, and it seems that i'll have to make some compromise on location, which affects my work commute. well...at least i'm not in immediate danger of being homeless, so i should count my blessings.

yesterday, two of the judo elders asked me out to dinner. it was mostly nice seeing them again, but there was this bittersweet feeling too. see, i've known them since about 2013, so it's been more than 10 years. and in that time, i've seen them get old. well, older. one of them is now on a mobility scooter (which looks kind of fun to drive) and has had some adverse reactions to the COVID vaccine which caused nodules to grow on his fingers. not ideal for a judo coach. my scientific mind says that he's only part of a small population that suffered this reaction and that the overall benefits of the vaccine outweigh the costs, but it doesn't make the fact that someone i know was affected easier to swallow. it's funny - my appetite has been poor the past few days, but i can eat the usual amount of food when with friends. proof that it's all in my head, i guess.

we also discussed the state of judo and kurash in singapore. as you may be aware, i'm no longer involved in any of those. and every time i hear about recent developments in that space, i get more convinced that i made the right decision to step away. i just don't have the energy to play politics with people who are looking out for their own selfish interests more than promoting the sport(s). and while i'm sure the elders would fight if they were 30 years younger, the fact is that they're getting on in years and don't have the energy any more. i just think it's not a conducive way to spend one's time, especially one's twilight years.

by that logic, you think that i'd be quick to cut toxicity and drama out of my life. and you'd be right...most of the time. see, i've been pondering something over the past few days. with my escape plan laid out (at least for the next 6 months), i should be able to disappear from L's life anytime i want. yet, i'm still here. i've been trying to figure out why. while the 6 months thing is a bit scary, it's not like i can stay at L's place forever either! what's more, the marine parade place is objectively better - way closer to work, more privacy. of course, the downsides are that nobody's going to make breakfast for me, or clean the house, or do laundry. granted, i can do all of that on my own. i'm also used to living alone thanks to japan, so it doesn't make sense why i'm not already over there.

oh! i just realized i should add more detail to the conversation L and i had on monday night. there's some important context for the next paragraph. so as you know, L told me that he may have acted too hastily in breaking up with me. he said that he still cares for me, and he has his insecurities about how he measures up to me in terms of academic qualifications and general "smart-ness". he also felt that he couldn't confide in me for some reason that he can't articulate himself. and perhaps most importantly, he says he's willing to try to overcome those things.

try not to judge me too hard for this next bit. honest to goodness, somewhere REALLY deep down, i'm still holding a kernel of hope that we will work things out and the relationship can be mended. since he was willing to work on it, i proposed a period (6 months, in my mind) where the both of us would work on our relationship and the third guy's presence would be minimized. my first choice was eliminated instead of minimized, but L obviously didn't agree to that. and if by that time, we felt ok to continue, we'd approach the other guy so that all 3 of us would be dating each other. that of course, also depends on the other guy's feelings towards the whole situation. if he wants to date L exclusively and/or doesn't find me attractive/dateable, then the whole thing falls apart. knowing L, he will choose the other guy over me in that scenario.

sounds like a big risk, doesn't it? to be fair, we don't know if we'll go ahead with it, because i think that i still need to talk to the other guy to set things straight. what's more, i know that the relationship between L and myself is extremely unlikely to go back to what it was like in the past. so, why am i even suggesting this thing? the best answer i have now is that i want the relationship/interaction to end on my terms. i mean, managing to save the relationship would be a huge plus, but i'm not optimistic. so maybe i just want to experience the initial period again, where we couldn't wait to see each other, and every moment together felt like bliss. perhaps, if i saw the L that (i believe) loved me wholeheartedly again, it would reduce the impact of the cheating and we could end on a good-ish note? because if things were to end as they are now, i'm pretty sure i would have a harder time thinking positively about him.

looking at it objectively, i'd say that i'm in denial. i don't know if i'm just hoping to buy time with the 6 months thing, and betting on a positive outcome - the new guy's novelty wearing off, him deciding not to proceed, him deciding to date both of us, whatever. it's a lousy bet, and i know it. or maybe i'm trying to put off the inevitable just a little longer. even deeper down, i know that the odds of fixing things are low. but maybe i want to see a sincere effort from L. and by then, if we really decide that going our separate ways is the best option, then at least i can live with it better. you know, i realize that for all L's said about how he's sorry for hurting me and all that, i don't think he's truly remorseful because he's still continuing to see the other guy. there's way more to unpack here, but i'm wondering if it's worth the time and effort. not now at least, because lunch break is just about over and i have to get back to work. ideally, i'll be able to submit my amended report today.

-random thought of the day: Human irrationality again.-

Visited my aunt while she was cleaning up the marine parade flat. that brought about some clarity, and a huge-ass question. clarity first.

so, it seems that my cousin and family aren't staying at her place, but his kids hang out there frequently enough that there's still no space. i don't blame her at all, because i know that if circumstances allowed, she'd welcome me with open arms. the flat is the next-best choice, and after being in there today, i think i could see myself living there, cluttered as it is. from what i understand, i'll have a few months there, probably 6 at most while she tries to sell the flat. that would buy scary JC friend more time for sure.

one interesting thing is that my aunt warned me to be careful about my first aunt's...boyfriend? partner? who for about 7 years and up till yesterday, stayed there with her. i've blogged about him once here, and his codename is "broccoli". i'm really surprised that he's stuck to her for so long...probably for money and a place to stay rent-free. anyway, if i do end up moving in and if he comes by to create trouble, my instruction is to call the police. how convenient that the block also houses a police post! while i'm tempted to settle things by-left (i think i have pretty good odds going up against a 78 year-old), there's the danger of it being perceived as assault or bullying the elderly. worse, there might be an actual physical threat to me if he comes armed. so, police it is.

next, the huge-ass question. does my aunt know i'm gay?? she asked me why i had to move out, and i told her it was because the landlord and i were no longer dating. she first thought that i was renting from an old man/person (lao lang in hokkien is gender neutral but the default gender i assume when i hear it is male), and when i told her that was not the case, she then assumed i was renting from my JC friend E. those 2 are definitely outside my dating pool! the thing i noticed was that she used the pronoun "he" to refer to my landlord. it could be that "landlord" is a masculine term, so the usage of "he" was unconscious, but i can't help but get the feeling that she knows more than she lets on. well...i don't believe her knowing would affect our relationship in any way, which begs an even bigger question - why haven't i come out to her? truth is, i've thought about it several times. i even had plans to introduce the ex to her, but somehow it never felt right. i would have brought L to meet her eventually, but it doesn't seem likely to happen now. i should set a timeline for this - it might motivate me to take action. of course, maybe one reason i haven't is because we jokingly call her the family news broadcast system, and i'd rather keep it to a select few for now family-wise. having said that, i do believe i can trust her to keep info confidential if she's told to beforehand.

speaking of the devil, L and i had a long talk. my impression is that he's still trying to salvage things between us. but while he said he regrets mentioning breaking up on saturday, he was firm on one thing - he wanted the other guy around. he also said that he didn't tell me things because he made the decisions he thought were the least harmful. whatever happened to open communication? my thought is quite straightforward. if L wants to remedy things between us, the first step should be cutting contact with the other guy. to me, that would be a huge show of sincerity. seems like that won't happen, though. at this point, i have no expectations. i told him repeatedly that i do not want to relive the last 2 weeks again. just like NS, once in a lifetime to learn an important lesson is good enough, thank you very much. i'll see how things go on that front. reminder to self: LOVE YOURSELF MORE. DO NOT PRIORITIZE SOMEONE WHO THINKS YOU'RE JUST AN OPTION.

-random thought of the day: Confusing signals.-

Double post day! haven't seen one of those in a while, right? just had to blog about something that happened earlier tonight, otherwise i don't think i'd be able to sleep.

what happened is that L moved his mattress out of our shared room while i was in the shower. and that caused an unexpected fresh wave of crying. like, hiccupping, shoulder-shaking, full-on crying. (semi-)retired cousin (i need a shorter codename for her), who coincidentally checked in right at the worst of it, says it's due to the symbolism - a sign that the split is becoming more "real". i don't know why i had such a huge reaction to it, because i should have seen it coming as one of the next logical steps. perhaps because i didn't expect it so soon.

i wonder, is it really a good idea for me to continue staying here? present me thinks "yes", because it's convenient-ish and basically free. but if something as stupid as this could trigger a bout of tears, what else would/could? thankfully, my aunt offered an alternative, which is my late maternal grandmother's flat in marine parade...albeit temporarily, since they're trying to sell it off. i did think about buying it or somehow taking it over because of its amazing location (right next to the MRT, close enough to parkway parade, tons of buses, even direct buses to my work), but there's no way i can afford the asking price. ideally, i'd be able to crash in with my aunt at her place, but i understand that it might be a bit crowded there because my cousin and family are living there temporarily. i'm due to meet her to see the flat tomorrow, so i'll have a clearer picture of the situation then.

going back to the thought of clinging onto hope, i suddenly thought of the theme song of the latest final fantasy 14 expansion. i know it doesn't fit 100%, but i really think that at this point, my brain is reaching for anything remotely comforting, just to ease the pain. tell you what, how about you listen to it and tell me if you think a connection exists?

Bomb dropped last night. after talking to his best friend (in person) and the guy (over text), L said he wants to break up. call me naively optimistic, but up until the words actually left his mouth, i was still holding onto a faint sliver of hope that he would fight for our relationship. seems like he's more afraid to lose the new guy than he is to lose me, so that's that. i figure that there's no point in trying to sway his decision, because at least in his own eyes, he will find more happiness with that guy. why else would he risk what he already has (had), if not due to the conviction of a greater reward? we still have to discuss how to move forward, and how long he's comfortable with letting me stay at his place is going to be a main discussion point.

despite me saying that i should be grateful that it happened, feelings of gratitude towards the relationship and particularly towards L are quite hard for me to access at the moment. because the predominant thought in my head is that L is acting selfishly, ie. pursuing his happiness at the expense of mine, and that goes against my values and expectations for the relationship - he didn't communicate his needs, any issues he might have had, etc. clearly to me. it's human nature i guess, to want to hedge bets and minimize losses. i suppose the one grateful thought that i can process now is that if we were inevitably going to split in such an ugly way, it happening sooner rather than later is a good thing.

with the breakup being official now, that has lit a fire under my butt to settle housing arrangements. and can you believe the timing of it all - scary JC friend just became a licensed real estate agent earlier in the year. what on earth would i do without her in my life? she's already shown me 5-7 flat options, and there's one that both of us quite like. i suppose there's another grateful thought - this is pushing me towards getting my own place. while i have no issue living with L's dad, the thought of having a place of my own was always at the back of my mind, though i had imagined living with L. the way i see it, this just accelerated and streamlined my plans.

another grateful thought i can think of is that i don't have to be so damned suspicious of L any more. even yesterday, when he told me he was going to meet his best friend, a nagging thought at the back of my mind kept wondering if he was using her as a front, and that he was actually going to meet the guy instead. rationally, i think that even if the relationship were to go on, it couldn't hold up to such thoughts. because once the trust has been broken, there will always be a smidge of doubt. and as an added advantage, this will free up my brainpower to work on meeting the criteria for passing probation.

purely for fun, i went to download hinge and set up a rudimentary profile (no actual pictures). scanning through the profiles there, i realize that i'm still not in a good place to think about dating. the whole fresh off a breakup thing too, of course. i still have insecurities that i need to address before i feel like i can put myself out there again. as a few people have told me, i have to learn to love myself before i love others. funny, other than the physical aspect, i'd thought that i already was doing a decent job of loving myself. but yes, i do know that that is the biggest hurdle that i have to overcome. perhaps i was (am) just deluding myself.

what now? it feels surreal that things have taken such a turn. and yet, me denying it will not change anything. i just wish we could have ended things better, and it sucks so bad that for the good person i believe L to be, he'll now have the association of "cheater" in my mind. do i wish him well? i suppose i do, but my vindictive side wants him to go through what he put me through before he deserves to be happy. is it harsh? yes. but do i think it's only fair? yes as well. i don't know how our interaction (if any) will look in the future. after all, i thought i could be friends with the ex, but i literally never messaged him again after leaving his place for the last time. i don't know if it'll be similar for this case. and considering that i'm still in the midst of it, i don't trust anything my brain says regarding this.

let's get priorities in order. top of the list is to pass probation. i need a steady source of income in order for everything else to work. next is securing a place to stay. scary JC friend is helping with that, and i'm going to leave that in her hands. ideally, we'll land the unit that we both like. if not (touch wood)...something else will come up. after all, the unit we both liked was just listed today! how's that for timing? once the practical things have been settled, the next step will be to take care of myself. focusing on me, recovering from this experience, and generally living my best life. a quote i once read goes, "ask not for a lighter load, but for a stronger back". i need all the back strength i can get for the near future. but i am surprised, in a way, that amidst all this negativity, i feel a sense of hope, that things will get better, and that there will be someone who loves me for me. it's not much to cling onto, but i'll cling on just the same. it also reminded me of another quote, from family guy, of all places. i would say that i feel most of it, except that one particular part.

Hope is what gets you out of bed in the morning when it's the day of prom and you haven't been asked. Hope pushes the caterpillar through the cocoon and drives the salmon upstream. Your breasts may be small and your glasses may be thick, but hope doesn't hold up a mirror. Hope is a horizon we head for, leaving nothing behind us but fear. And though we may never reach our goals, it's hope that will save us from who we once were.

-random thought of the day: Time for logical me to navigate through this shipwreck.-

New insights from talking to scary JC friend last night. she's been appraised of the whole situation, and suffice to say L is not on her list of favourite people. she did an amazing job of dispelling the dark thoughts and appealing to my more logical side. i don't think she'd mind me telling you this, but the reason she could give such awesome advice is because she was cheated upon by her boyfriend of 5 years...who happened to be my secondary school classmate. that dumbass. so, surviving that gives her the authority to dispense advice, and makes her advice more credible.

the main things she told me were that it's not my fault, and that i was not inadequate in any way. rather, L wanted something i couldn't provide. and value is subjective, aka. one man's trash is another man's treasure. i was giving L my treasures, but they were obviously not treasures to him. another point which ties into that is that relationships are transactional, and the best relationships are those where each party can offer something the other values. right now, as calculative/cold as it is to say it, this interaction with L still has something i value - cheap housing and a person to be with. so the plan is to stay (both physically and in whatever this interaction is) until the cons outweigh the pros. there is one thing about this whole thing which i'm dreading, and that's telling L's dad. he's been so amazing to me, i feel bad not being able to repay his kindness. or maybe i'll continue communicating with him even after L and i are done. who knows?

this next thing really made me feel like i'm not applying the things i learnt in japan in my daily life any more. you may know that japan is big on gratitude. like, giving thanks for everything that happens to you because the good things make you happy, and the bad things make you stronger (with a few exceptions, of course). what i'd forgotten to do is to look at this relationship with gratitude. despite the absolute mess the past week and a bit has been, the initial stage was great. not only did L give me a place to stay, he gave me comfort which tided me over the whole job searching phase. i wonder, now that i appear to be more stable, does that mean his role in my life is over? this is where mismatch of expectations can cause problems. maybe the universe intended him to be a temporary guardian angel, but i saw him as my forever person.

i'm still processing a bunch of thoughts and emotions, so who knows? whatever i write in future may contradict this post. but for now, the main feeling i'm working with is grief. i'm grieving the end of my exclusive relationship with L and what could have been, ie. us building a life together. i can't say for certain that we'll NEVER work it out, but that really depends on how things unfold in the next few weeks/months.

on a related topic, my HFE letter got approved! i sent the application in on saturday night, and HDB replied on tuesday. that's 1 working day! i'm honestly amazed, because scary JC friend told me to expect a month's wait or more. she thinks it's the universe sending me a sign to GTFO of L's place ASAP. i see her logic. the next step is to start poking around for houses that fit my needs. not going to rush too much on that front, because i still need to pass my probation and secure my income. 1.5 months to get another 5 points or so. definitely doable!

-random thought of the day: Put the same amount of energy used in relationships into work.-

Universe, did you overestimate my capabilities?

after the emotional rollercoaster that was last week, i'm down with a viral infection. sore throat, mucus/phlegm, that cotton-stuffed head feeling, the works. seems like my body gave up on me! but i don't blame it. by any standards, it was a lot to process. i'd planned to go into the office today to talk to my mentor and apologize for messing up so bad last week. turned out she'd taken leave today, so there went that thought. i did some small tasks before deciding that i'd just head to see a doctor and go home afterwards. went to the clinic at PLQ and got seen by the pretty cute doctor on duty. i liked his manner - friendly and efficient. he's probably younger than me - a sign that i'm aging. perhaps it's subconscious, but my impression of doctors has been that they're older and wiser. perhaps it's time for a paradigm shift. anyway, he gave me medical leave for today and tomorrow (a little wasted because i'd already worked half a day, but it's fine since i probably won't use all 14 days of my MC entitlement), and the plan is just to hydrate and rest.

one other thing that could have contributed to my falling ill is that i went to sentosa yesterday. not for fun in the sun or anything like that, but to meet the other guy. L was there too, of course. i appreciate the guy actually sat through my rambling, and was nothing but polite, empathetic, and understanding through it all. it was also the first time i said it out loud - by my definition, L cheated. granted, it was more emotional than physical...and i'm actually not sure which one's worse. i'll spare you all the details, but the current understanding is that L and i are going to work at our relationship. as for that guy's role in the whole picture, he's currently friends with L with a chance for it to develop more. we're also planning to hang out together, the 3 of us, to see if anything develops between me and him. he does have his points of appeal, and i think he'd make a good partner after he settles some practical issues. but well, that's something that could go either way, and i don't intend on forcing the issue too much.

moving forward, what do i think about L? my perception of him has been altered - i told him as much last night. more sadly, trust has been broken. at this point, i do think it's fixable, but it'll need time and effort. over the past few days he's been behaving a bit more like when we started dating - more caring, affectionate, and i'm just hoping he's not doing that purely out of guilt. on my part, although i have the moral high ground, i don't think that i should hold it over him, or use it as ammunition in future arguments. i've wondered a couple of times - am i doing the right thing by staying? what if this happens again later down the road, and i wasted more time here? well...it's a risk that seems acceptable to me at this time. everyone deserves a second chance, but maybe not a third, as far as relationships go. of course, i'll admit that there are selfish reasons as well, like having a place to stay for cheap. but the basic idea is that after considering all the variables, i (we?) believe that this can work.

having said that, i'd also like to believe that i'm optimistic, but not stupidly so. i've spoken to scary JC friend about the whole thing, and she's been angry on my behalf. more than that, she's helping me take steps to find a place of my own. you know, as a backup plan just in case things do go south again. to that end, i've applied for a housing flat eligibility (HFE) letter, which tells me how much money i can borrow as a housing loan. it's...not a lot, but at least it should be enough to afford a 3-room flat. now the issue is making sure i stay employed, so that i'll be able to service the loan over the next 15-25 years(!).

-random thought of the day: Headache.-

Working on cases while being preoccupied is not ideal at best, and horrible at worst, because the less attention you are able to devote to the case at hand, the higher your chances of making mistakes. and making a mistake here could range from harmless to fire-able. thankfully today's main task was amending reports after feedback from my mentor, so even if i did make any mistakes, it wouldn't be that serious.

if you've read the last post, the cause of my preoccupation should be clear enough. i think the implications hit me harder when i woke up this morning, because i've been in tears almost the whole day (thankfully managing to keep it together during the teams call with my mentor). L and i also talked about it a bit more before he went for work. you guessed it - more tears. he says that i'm not lacking in any way, and the guy is just different. i can't reconcile this with his actions, because there had to be something that he felt he wasn't getting from me for him to be interested in another person, right? as much as i'm trying to look for grey areas and nuances here, it seems pretty binary to me.

of course, this could be not as bad as the scenarios in my brain. as i mentioned last post, i'm at least open to give a multi-partner relationship a try. it'll be a new experience, if nothing else. my fear there is i'll end up becoming the third wheel. perhaps this ties into a greater fear - that i'll end up alone. or even worse, i'll end up being one of those lonely people who intrude on other peoples' lives (my late coach comes to mind a little). i know, being alone is not the end of the world, and i'm sure that i can find fulfillment alone as well. but living with L and his dad feels like the closest thing to "normal" family life - a partner to talk to, having meals together, even just coming home to someone and existing in the same space - i don't want to give that up.

which links perhaps to the root cause of me feeling this way - i'm not ready to call it quits on this relationship. for the ex, it was more like frustration that he didn't/couldn't love me despite me doing my best. actually, it's kind of similar here but with one major difference - i'm 99.99% convinced that L loves me (i will still choose to believe it's in the present tense until told otherwise), but his attention has been captured by someone new and possibly mysterious. i was just thinking that compared to the $200-ish that i spent on GD, i've probably spent 10-20 times that amount on L, and i still think the latter is more worthwhile. also, there's still so much i want to do with L. i could list examples, but it essentially boils down to "build a life with him". ideally i'd want to keep it to just the two of us, but having a third person might work in our favour as well - more people to split the bills!

perhaps i'm catastrophizing, but that's my default thought process - hope for the best, prepare for the worst. honestly, if this falls through, i don't think i want to go through the whole dating rigmarole again. i just don't have the energy to meet people, assess compatibility based on values and other parameters, put my heart out there and risk getting it trampled upon, then rinse and repeat if it doesn't work out. no thanks.

i'd wanted to blog about this next thing for a while. it's about how i express love. while i thought i would be a primarily physical touch person, i was surprised to find myself doing more acts of service for L. and that got me wondering, why is that the case? after some thinking, my best guess is that it's due to being influenced by my aunt. granted, i didn't appreciate how seemingly superhuman she was back when i was a kid, but seeing her juggle 4 grandkids, 2 sisters and a sister-in-law (sometimes more), various nephews and nieces in addition to her own 2 kids, plus a business on top of all that at the age of 68 is really humbling. but yes, i think i picked it up from her subconsciously. not a bad thing, but just something that came to mind. 

this isn't sustainable. i can't work effectively while being distracted, and can you imagine if i appear in the office on the verge of tears? thank goodness for small blessings, like work from home days. i've got to get it together before my next day in office, which is friday. for now, i kind of just want to zone out and think about literally anything other than work and this whole situation.

-random thought of the day: Why is crying so exhausting!?-

My intuition/sense, while not on par with scary JC friend's, is still good enough that i detected something wrong with L over the past few days. ok, to be fair, the signs were quite obvious. meeting "a friend" and staying out until past midnight, being secretive about his phone and making sure to hide the screen from me being two of the biggest giveaways. other things, like being more distant, made more sense in hindsight.

so, what happened is that he's been talking to a guy on hinge (it's a dating app, in case you're a dinosaur like me), and he's finding that he's catching feelings for the guy. we finally sat down to talk about it earlier tonight, and while i think i helped him to rationalize/unpack some of his feelings, he's still very uncertain about what to do. i think that in itself kind of gives away what he actually wants, but i'm going to let him arrive at a conclusion himself.

while i think i mostly kept it together during the conversation, i found myself wondering a great many things as we were walking back home (can i still call his place "home"?). things like, how am i insufficient? what did i do wrong/not do right? could i have prevented this? what does the future have in store for us? questions to which i have no answers. well, not to some of them, anyway. i would say that in the past 10-ish months, i've been a decent partner. not stellar, but definitely above average. i think the biggest thing i did wrong was not insisting that he delete hinge and stay off dating apps in general. he told me that he's using it to find friends, which is kind of like waving meat in front of a den of tigers, isn't it?

but here's the thing - we're both adults. i feel like if i have to micromanage things like that, it's more like parenting than being in an equal relationship. and forbidding others from doing things usually breeds resentment and makes that thing more attractive. you know, the whole forbidden fruit thing. so it seems like i can't win no matter what.

right now, things have turned a tiny bit awkward. i'm not sure if we're still together, if this guy is just a passing infatuation, or if L's seriously considering jumping ship. i mean, the thought has definitely crossed his mind, that's why we had that conversation in the first place! i asked him how i should act around him and his dad now, and he hasn't given me a clear answer yet. on my part, i'm just going to see how the situation develops. my best-case scenario is that we stay together and this becomes one of those defining relationship tests that all couples seem to have. the worst-case scenario is a tie between L and the other guy getting together, or the 3 of us all ending up single after the dust settles. at this point, i think it could go either way, or maybe something out of the box like going polyamorous. jedi master taught me that LGBT people are already outside of societal norms, therefore we should be open to alternative relationship/family structures. of course, that would depend on how the other guy and i get along too - maybe we can't stand each other?

this experience reinforced one thing for me - that i should plan for myself first. the possibility of this relationship ending also means the possibility that i won't be welcome to stay at L's place any longer. that means that i should make plans to get a place of my own sooner rather than later. thank goodness i've been planning without taking L's finances into account! i wonder how long it will take? thankfully, L hasn't chased me out or anything yet, but i do want to be prepared so that i can go anytime he asks.

again, the universe never gives us a bigger burden than we can handle. i'm thankful that things seem to be going smoothish-ly at work (although i annoyed my mentor today), and i appear to be on track to passing probation. just hope that it stays that way for now; one area of my life facing imminent implosion is enough.

-random thought of the day: Get better at work!!-