Searching my archives tells me that i may not have blogged about the grief button analogy yet. it goes something like this:

there's a sealed box in your heart with a small, raised button marked "grief" on one of the inner walls. also in the box is a ball that's free to move and bounce around. every time the ball hits the button, you feel your chest tightening, tears threaten to fall, your breath hitches, you're overwhelmed with emotions...all the physiological and emotional reactions you know and love (NOT!) cascade down on you. and all you can do is hold on and wait for them to pass while telling yourself to have hope, and that things will get better. initially, the ball occupies most of the box, and the grief button is tripped even at the slightest movement of the ball. but as time goes by, the ball shrinks, and it begins to bounce around the box harmlessly...most of the time. thing is, the ball never actually disappears. one fine day, as a result of some unknown trigger, the ball hits the grief button and you feel all the same reactions again. only this time, you are better equipped to deal with them.

for this relationship at least, the ball is still huge. in fact, a conversation with L earlier today set it off, and i found myself in tears and unable to focus on work. thank goodness scary JC friend and (semi-)retired cousin (whose codename i'll abbreviate to SRC for now until a better idea comes along) were there to ground me and remind me of the important things. i'll also attempt a journalling exercise that SRC recommended later in this post.

i don't know if this is a rare moment of clarity or if i'm actually starting to move on, but i'm coming to terms with the fact that there is no way for me and L to continue a romantic relationship. while i had hoped to save the relationship, i know that as long as L refuses to cut the other guy off, it will never sit right with me. and i shouldn't have to accept a compromise that goes against my values. but i still want to indulge myself in a fantasy, maybe, and not end things so badly. but that's something for me to talk to L about. i would think he at least owes me this much, but if he's not willing, there's also nothing i can do.

ah heck. i'll do the exercise now. maybe it'll help me come to terms with it more, and i can put more effort into planning my so-called escape. actually, no. "escape" sounds like i'm fleeing from something, whereas in this case, i should be walking out with my head held high. the exercise is called "ten things i am letting go of".

ten things i am letting go of

1. the version of L that lives in my head, who i thought would be my life partner
2. my relationship of 10 months with L, inside jokes, secrets, etc
3. the future with L that i had hoped for and was working towards
4. my feelings for L, and any remaining hope i have that he would change his mind
5. the sense of security that having a partner brought
6. living with L and his dad and all the associated comforts and conveniences
7. the things we had planned to do together
8. any blame/responsibility i hold towards myself for L's decision to cheat
9. any feelings of inadequacy that this incident has caused me to feel
10. any resentment i have towards the third party, who, without L's permission, would not have been able to drive us apart
11. (bonus!) any regret i feel about this whole situation, because i was doing what i thought was my best, i wasn't given a chance to work on whatever L thought was insufficient, and nothing that i could have ever said or done would have made L choose me over the other guy

i am choosing to let go of these ten (plus one) things because as much as it hurts now and i want to undo the past few months just to go back to when L was head-over-heels in love with me, i know that holding on to the current situation will hurt me even more the longer i hold on. i owe it to myself to do what is best for me, which in this case, is not forcing myself to accept conditions against my values and staying with a cheater who chose someone else over me, and would potentially kick me to the kerb as a third wheel further down the line. i owe it to myself to extract/remove the source of pain so that my (emotional) wound can begin to heal. i deserve someone who loves me as i am, appreciates the love i am capable of giving, and instead of looking externally for quick fixes behind my back when things go wrong, is willing to work with me to continuously strengthen our relationship for life.

exercise #2! also recommended by SRC, this one is a letter from future me to present me. i guess it's more like a letter from my rational self to the emotional wreck that i am now, but same difference. TRIGGER WARNING: parts of it will get dark. thoughts of self-harm, mainly.

dear me,

words alone cannot express how much i hate that you're feeling this way. "heartbroken", "devastated", all the usual adjectives don't even begin to cover the depth of pain that you're feeling now. i know - i was there! this is probably the one single event that has hurt you the most in your life so far. nothing else comes close - not even busting your knees during judo, having to extend your phd by a year with no funding, giving baobei up when you went for JET, all those are drops in the bucket compared to this. after all, none of those past events have made you seriously put all that chemistry knowledge to work figuring out the exact logistics of ending your life as painlessly as possible, have they? but this one has...and i understand why. it's the best thing that's happened to you. and with the highest highs, come the lowest lows. for what it's worth, i'm forever grateful that you're still here. that you didn't give up on us, and that you placed your conviction in overcoming this obstacle to eventually get to where i am. thank you for fighting on, and trusting that you will end up in a better place than where you are right now.

given your desire for perfect knowledge, i won't sugarcoat things for you. the near future will absolutely, without a doubt, 100%, SUCK. you may know for a fact that the relationship ending wasn't your fault, but there will be times where doubts and insecurities overpower the facts, and you just dissolve into tears with no warning. side note, start carrying tissue packets around! even knowing that it's going to suck, i also want to remind you to embrace the suck. you have to go through the healing process before you can emerge stronger on the other side. otherwise, you won't be ready for love when it comes knocking. while healing, it's ok to fall backwards sometimes. 2 steps forward, 1 step back is still 1 net step forward. as long as you do your best day by day, that's all i (and anyone, in fact), can ask from you. don't rush things, let time work its magic.

as much as i want to tell you that you'll find "the one" someday, i can't. nothing is guaranteed, after all. besides, if you know that you'll be partnered in future, that will cause you to slack off in self-improvement, then events will play out differently, the timeline will change, time paradox, blah blah. so, it's best that you focus on working on yourself, and let people come into your life naturally. it's also my wish for you that you don't let your heart become hardened because of this episode, and that you will continue to love deserving people wholeheartedly.

i know you have issues with your appearance, and that's a huge stumbling block to romance. good news: appearance (build, at least) can be changed! that's something you may want to consider working on as you are healing and moving forward. but remember to do it for the right reasons. health considerations should come before aesthetics. granted, aesthetics are likely to be the bigger motivator because they're more visible! but beyond appearance, please know that you are capable and worthy of much greater love than whatever L gave you. all you need is for the right guy to come along and accept you as you are. as SRC said, if L could see it, there are bound to be others. i know we believe that L saw beyond our looks and truly loved us at one point. please, find some way to overcome your insecurity, because although it won't matter to the right guy, you still have to get over it to put yourself out there in order for the right guy to notice you. maybe you need to take jedi master's advice and sit naked in a gay sauna for a couple of hours!

right now, it may feel like you're powerless. please also remember that you have a life outside of L. try as you might, you cannot put the other aspects of life on hold while you focus 100% effort on dealing with the relationship crashing and burning. passing probation at work being the most important aspect that you absolutely cannot neglect. so, do your best to change the things that you can change.

the letter has gone on long enough, i think. in a nutshell, you are stronger (and smarter, and more attractive, etc. etc.) than you think. and it's more of L's loss than yours that the relationship is ending. it doesn't feel like it now, but time will pass, you will heal, and you will be ready to share your love again. even though the end was marred by cheating, allow yourself to grieve and remember the good times. as you are healing, just take each day as it comes and strive to better yourself even just by a little bit. you've got this, and i've got you.

all the love in the world and more,

future me

-random thought of the day: Cried again.-