Working on cases while being preoccupied is not ideal at best, and horrible at worst, because the less attention you are able to devote to the case at hand, the higher your chances of making mistakes. and making a mistake here could range from harmless to fire-able. thankfully today's main task was amending reports after feedback from my mentor, so even if i did make any mistakes, it wouldn't be that serious.

if you've read the last post, the cause of my preoccupation should be clear enough. i think the implications hit me harder when i woke up this morning, because i've been in tears almost the whole day (thankfully managing to keep it together during the teams call with my mentor). L and i also talked about it a bit more before he went for work. you guessed it - more tears. he says that i'm not lacking in any way, and the guy is just different. i can't reconcile this with his actions, because there had to be something that he felt he wasn't getting from me for him to be interested in another person, right? as much as i'm trying to look for grey areas and nuances here, it seems pretty binary to me.

of course, this could be not as bad as the scenarios in my brain. as i mentioned last post, i'm at least open to give a multi-partner relationship a try. it'll be a new experience, if nothing else. my fear there is i'll end up becoming the third wheel. perhaps this ties into a greater fear - that i'll end up alone. or even worse, i'll end up being one of those lonely people who intrude on other peoples' lives (my late coach comes to mind a little). i know, being alone is not the end of the world, and i'm sure that i can find fulfillment alone as well. but living with L and his dad feels like the closest thing to "normal" family life - a partner to talk to, having meals together, even just coming home to someone and existing in the same space - i don't want to give that up.

which links perhaps to the root cause of me feeling this way - i'm not ready to call it quits on this relationship. for the ex, it was more like frustration that he didn't/couldn't love me despite me doing my best. actually, it's kind of similar here but with one major difference - i'm 99.99% convinced that L loves me (i will still choose to believe it's in the present tense until told otherwise), but his attention has been captured by someone new and possibly mysterious. i was just thinking that compared to the $200-ish that i spent on GD, i've probably spent 10-20 times that amount on L, and i still think the latter is more worthwhile. also, there's still so much i want to do with L. i could list examples, but it essentially boils down to "build a life with him". ideally i'd want to keep it to just the two of us, but having a third person might work in our favour as well - more people to split the bills!

perhaps i'm catastrophizing, but that's my default thought process - hope for the best, prepare for the worst. honestly, if this falls through, i don't think i want to go through the whole dating rigmarole again. i just don't have the energy to meet people, assess compatibility based on values and other parameters, put my heart out there and risk getting it trampled upon, then rinse and repeat if it doesn't work out. no thanks.

i'd wanted to blog about this next thing for a while. it's about how i express love. while i thought i would be a primarily physical touch person, i was surprised to find myself doing more acts of service for L. and that got me wondering, why is that the case? after some thinking, my best guess is that it's due to being influenced by my aunt. granted, i didn't appreciate how seemingly superhuman she was back when i was a kid, but seeing her juggle 4 grandkids, 2 sisters and a sister-in-law (sometimes more), various nephews and nieces in addition to her own 2 kids, plus a business on top of all that at the age of 68 is really humbling. but yes, i think i picked it up from her subconsciously. not a bad thing, but just something that came to mind. 

this isn't sustainable. i can't work effectively while being distracted, and can you imagine if i appear in the office on the verge of tears? thank goodness for small blessings, like work from home days. i've got to get it together before my next day in office, which is friday. for now, i kind of just want to zone out and think about literally anything other than work and this whole situation.

-random thought of the day: Why is crying so exhausting!?-