Dinner with the date yesterday after the olympiad made me realize something about myself, namely that my inhibitions get lowered under 2 conditions: when i'm drunk, or when i'm tired. the latter is new info to me, so that was interesting to find out. the olympiad itself was somewhat taxing, more so than last year. the experiment i had to test was relatively simple. synthesis of a dye using a reaction which my student had to do in the course of his project. i didn't realize that the intermediate was that stable! my student used to do it under nitrogen, i think, but the olymipad procedure was open-air stirring. well, it worked, so i'll save myself the trouble if i ever have to do it again. marking was pretty easy, too. thankfully i got the shorter (easier-to-mark question). and there were lots of blanks and nonsensical answers too, so all those required was a strikethrough. then again, i can't really fault the students. they're only in secondary school. the fact that some of them know what electron-donating and electron-withdrawing groups are is already impressive in itself.

the date and i had dinner at nature cafe at tradehub 21. yes, that vegetarian place where we've eaten before. the food was up to standard (as far as vegetarian food goes). surprisingly, it was really crowded, and also really noisy. the previous few times we went early, and so the place was barely occupied. noise + fatigue isn't a good combination for me, but i somehow managed to hold it together throughout dinner. i had thought we might be going somewhere after dinner, but the date saw that i was looking a little worse for wear and convinced me to call it an early night. in retrospect, that might have been for the best, as i have to admit that i did feel rather out of it

during the drive home, something possessed me to talk to the date about my concerns for the relationship. that's why i said fatigue lowers my inhibitions. normally i'd think about it twice or thrice first before attempting to broach a sensitive topic, but somehow i just started talking. to tell the truth, i don't even remember exactly what i said. i do know it was something about how i felt that we weren't progressing. like, i feel that we are at about the same place as we were 6 to 12 months ago, which is at the stage in a relationship where couples find out more about each other, but are reluctant to fully commit to each other. i was about to say "casual dating", which was actually the first term that popped into my mind, but it would be unfair to the date. "casual" suggests the idea of keeping your options open, or not being exclusive. in that regard, i do believe that the date hasn't been seeing anyone behind my back. but the reason why i say that there seems to be reluctance in our relationship is because other couples who have been dating for as long as we have would probably have spent the night together, maybe even travelled together. i know it's not right to compare with other people. it just so happens that that's what i want too at this stage in a relationship. i did bring up one other thing as well, but in the interest of keeping this place family-friendly and more importantly, to not air any overly-dirty laundry and to protect the date's privacy, i'll refrain from saying too much. but yes, i feel that that other unmentionable thing is an important aspect of a relationship too. another thing i asked was what if either of us got attracted to someone else? the date seemed rather nonchalant, possibly due to their experiences with the ex. i would have thought a relationship that you're in would/should be worth you fighting for, so that response threw me a little. to their credit, the date was receptive to whatever i said, and said that they would think it over. they also hinted that there was something that they didn't want to tell me yet in consideration of my feelings, so there's that potential issue to tackle eventually. i've been thinking over what that thing might be. i have a couple of guesses, but won't jump to conclusions just yet.

so...what happens now? life goes on as normal, i guess. until the date decides to have that potentially difficult/delicate conversation with me, that is. naturally, i've also been thinking about possible outcomes. the best case for me would be if the date agreed with me and we started on the next level of couple-y things. and while it is unlikely, the odds of a breakup are not zero. just have to bear that in mind. the middle ground ranges over a huge spectrum of possibilities, and i don't really want to think about all of them in detail. but if the situation improves, i guess that's a win. but in the rather likely event that some sort of compromise has to be struck, how do i do that? i think that i have been more patient than normal already. yet, i don't want to force the date into doing something that they don't feel comfortable doing. i know people say good things are worth waiting for, but i think that there's a balance between the thing's goodness and the amount of time for which you'd be willing to wait. for me right now...i'd say that i'd be willing to wait until the end of the year, or until this time next year at the very very maximum. the date told me before that they would do their best to stay in a given job for 2 years minimum for the learning experience. in a year from now (assuming no breakups), we would have been dating for 2 years and about 6 months, which should be enough for us to learn about all of each other, right? well, not quite. but it probably will have been enough time for us to learn enough to decide whether we are partner material for each other or not.

thankfully, research has been going smoothly. i'm in the midst of writing a paper, and all that's left are a couple more bio experiments (which my amazing postdoc has agreed to help me with), and confirming the results for a kinetics experiment. my professor wasn't too happy with the draft that i'd sent him, so i'm probably going to have to rewrite a large portion of it. can't say i wasn't expecting it, but at least it's less painful than repeating the experiments. don't want to get my hopes too up or anything, but i think we can make the june submission deadline. i suppose it's good for me too, as it'll be my first-ever first-authored paper, as well as something which i can use for the poster symposium in august.

feels like the next few weeks to a month will be a major "crossroads" point in my life. i don't know why, but something is telling me that the decisions that i make and the things that i do in the near future will have a larger than usual impact on my life. or it may just be me torn about how to feel with regards to the relationship. whatever it is, i'm hoping that i do things which are in my best interest, without hurting anyone else along the way if possible.

-random thought of the day: Write about Genesis.-

Earlier tonight was probably the closest the date and i have come to an argument in a while. the junior chemistry olympiad is this saturday, and i signed up as a marker again. $160 for a day's work...not bad, right? as a result, i'd have to meet the date for dinner a little later...maybe 6:30pm or worst case 7:00pm. the date suggested we move dinner to sunday instead. i told them that i could make it on saturday, and it would make more sense too, since i would already be in the area-ish. and besides, i was planning on renewing my final fantasy 14 subscription on sunday, so that i could have an uninterrupted day of play. upon hearing that, the date insisted on having dinner on sunday even more. they reason they gave (or at least the impression i got) was that they were purposely trying to make me choose between them and the game. and they gave me an ultimatum too...either sunday, or don't meet. considering all the factors, if i had been really pushed to a choice, i would probably have chosen the latter. now, if a choice really had to be made, like if the date needed a lift to the airport or hospital or whatever, i'd drop my game in an instant. but the thing is, there was no need for any choice in the first place! to sidetrack to a somewhat related thing, this was one of the things my friend was unhappy about in his relationship with his ex. the ex would constantly make it so that he had to choose between her and his car (a great passion of his). and like with my case today, a choice never really had to be made. my friend was perfectly capable of handling his time and money such that there was never any conflict...or at least that's what he told me.

but back to the main story. it struck me as weird, because the date later told me about an experience at work, where another department could not properly account for their not-entirely-correct actions, and wouldn't give the date a satisfactory explanation. i was thinking that isn't it rather similar? you give an answer, but can't justify it. if the date had told me that they were worried that i would rush, or drive less carefully to meet the time we set, i might have been more agreeable in light of their concern for me. and even if the date was thinking it, i wouldn't know. i've learnt to not try and read too deeply into things, in case my overactive/paranoid brain finds hidden meanings that were never really there. i've actually never understood why the date finds it hard to tell me their feelings directly. but well...maybe it's a mental block thing.

thankfully, this story had a happy ending. the date eventually agreed to a saturday date. from my end, i was happy that they were willing to compromise. at the same time, i was also wondering why go through all that stuff about sunday or no date, or about making it difficult for me, basically. as you may know, i'm not one for mind games, especially not from my partner. maybe it's something that we can work on together.

i was actually talking about differences in our (the date and my) ideals with a few other friends. one thing i forgot to mention in the previous post is that the date told me that they don't envision us living together in the future. that's something that i will potentially have an issue with. in my ideal world, i'd want to live with my partner. i'm ok with our finances being separate, but i really think that we should work towards the goal of living under the same roof. i don't mean right now, while our finances are so unstable and insubstantial, but definitely in the future. i think this might be a potential deal breaker in the relationship. luckily, my friends were there to rationalize it a bit. maybe the date has other commitments, like taking care of the mother. or maybe the date feels scared. or can't get used to the idea, or never thought that far. whatever it is, i hope we can resolve it if/when we get to that milestone.

to be very fair, i should appreciate the date for who they are right now. they have a ton of amazing qualities, such as kindness, empathy, consideration, gentleness, cheerfulness, to name a few. not to mention that we've spent a fair bit of effort and time to understand each other. on top of all of that, the mother is ok with us dating. getting the "in-law's" approval is difficult for most people as it is. so i should be grateful. there's no guarantee that i will find similar success if i were to date someone else. so i guess until there's a REALLY good reason for us to no longer date, like maybe because of the living together issue or something of equal magnitude, i will constantly remind myself to treasure what we have.

-random thought of the day: Get red G1 refills.-

With reference to my last post, i ended up rocking the boat slightly after all. things went...better than expected, but not best-case scenario. but i'll get to that later. right now, i just want to put on record that i'm having a little bit of a headache, which is quite rare for me. it happened because i got a new pair of glasses. instead of going to my regular optician, i decided to go to owndays, which is a japanese store. the date got a pair of glasses made, and they gave a $20 voucher for the next purchase, so why not? they sell the frames and lenses, and have in-house opticians to test your vision and all that. it turns out my degree hasn't changed in the past 5 years or so, so they made the new pair with the same prescription. at this point, you'd probably be wondering why glasses with the same prescription would cause headaches. well, it's more because of the condition of the lenses. my old lenses were scratched up and discoloured due to age. these new lenses are, well, new. so everything is a bit more vivid. i figure that i'll be able to acclimatize by tomorrow. the glasses themselves are nice, at least i think so. they're half-framed like my previous pair, but these frames are blue and made of titanium. always wanted titanium frames. hopefully they'll be more corrosion-resistant than my stainless steel pair.

against the date's advice, i went to sign up for grabhitch...as a driver, that is. the date was not particularly for it because they thought my temper would get the better of me. but it's been good so far, both the money and the passengers. since my trips are usually really far (sengkang to NUS or the date's place), the fare per trip is typically above $10. counting back and forth trips, that's about $20 in a day. considering each tank of fuel costs me about $70 (rounded up), and i top up petrol about 3 times a month, i only have to give hitch rides once every day to cover my fuel costs. even then, i'll have some spare cash already. right now, i'm about $40 ahead of my fuel costs, and that's just from 3 days of hitching. my fuel tank's only half-depleted, too. i think that the possible downside is that i'll have to refuel the car more frequently. but i figure as long as my profit stays ahead of my costs, i can afford it. might set a goal to use the grabhitch money to pay for my new tyres...but i won't push for it.

now, rocking the boat. i had a belated mother's day dinner with the date and mother (since the date was sick on the actual day) yesterday. we ate at earle swensen's at westgate. was nice, though a tad pricey. lucky i had redeemed some rewards points to offset the cost. after that, we went back to their place since i had to wait for my NMR timeslot. i figured that it was a good a time as any, so i asked the date how they felt about our relationship, and several other questions. somewhat to my expectations, the date said that they were still not fully comfortable with me. it's because they were raised to be independent, i guess. on the bright side, they also said that right now, aside from the mother, i'm probably the only other person that they've allowed somewhat into their defenses. so i guess that there is progress, but like i said before, not that apparent to me, and not really up to my initial expectations. the date also advised me to not focus so much on the future, and live more in the present. it's good advice, and i'll do my best to take it. of course, i guess that it can be compromised both ways...i slow down while the date speeds up. and as much as i hate to think about it and hope that it never happens, i suppose that i should also be prepared for a not-good outcome. but we'll cross that bridge if we ever get there. right now, i think i'll enjoy what we've got.

-random thought of the day: Writing a paper!-

Lots of things on my mind today, but let me just get one major thought out first. think i first saw this on askreddit. can't exactly remember what the prompt was; might have been "what's the biggest lesson that you learned too late?", but someone shared this - there's a huge difference between "i don't care" and "i don't mind". more often than not, we use the former when we actually mean the latter. it doesn't seem to be a singaporean thing either; the writer of the original post was american or something. but yes. it's a really common mistake, and one that i'd been guilty of more than once. actually, i was alerted to it by one of the BPS brothers a while ago. he was telling me (over text) that he might end up in ITE, and i replied "i don't care which school you end up in". he blew up over text, saying something to the effect of "that's the problem! nobody cares!" to me, what i said meant that i would still support him and not think any less of him even if he did somehow end up in ITE. but he took it to mean that i had no interest in his future because i did not care about which school he went to. in retrospect, i think that's one of the things that started the end of our coaching relationship. the proper answer should have been "i don't mind even if you go to ITE, i'll still support you". although now that i type it out, "i don't mind" has a slight negative/condescending connotation too in the singapore mindset. you know, like you're being forced to settle for something. context: oh, you don't have my preferred option? well, i guess i don't mind option B. so maybe even "i don't mind" may not be the best thing to say...but at least it beats "i don't care".

been feeling a little restless these past few days. on monday, i thought that it might have been due to nervous energy from the audit (which went decently enough, by the way), but i've still been feeling it yesterday and today. not entirely sure why. through conversations with some people, i've begun to wonder...is it human nature to upset a natural equilibrium? the reason i'm thinking along this line is because i've been reflecting on things with the date. don't get me wrong, i'm not unhappy with the way things are going. we're at kind of a steady-state now, with routine dates, dinners, and daily interaction over text. it's nice, and i like it. at the same time, i kind of want more. to stay over at the date's place. to have them express affection more frequently and in greater magnitude. to be more intimate. to travel together, or at least go on a staycation. to finally be acknowledged as the boyfriend. the date says that they've been hurt from their past relationship, and i acknowledge that it takes time to recover. considering it's been 5-ish years since the breakup, and 18 months since we've (re-)started dating, i just wonder how long more it will take. asking for a timeframe is not right, so i'm left to guess and estimate by myself. but i wonder if this is ok - ok within me, i mean. like, can i accept things remaining the same for another, say, 2 years? again, it's not that i'm unhappy. more like mildly dissatisfied. and at the same time, i wonder if i'm being unreasonable to want all of this from the date, who may not be ready to give these things. if i were to ask myself, i'd (obviously) say that it's a perfectly reasonable request, because i'd be happy to do any of the above things that i've listed...maybe except stay over, but that's due to different circumstances.

i'm not sure how to approach this, actually. it doesn't make sense to rock the boat, since there HAS been signs that we're getting closer (the date passed me the mother's number so that i could wish her happy mother's day, for one). it's just that i feel that we could speed up the process of getting closer, or make it more obvious somehow. how would you deal with this? i think open communication is a vital part of any relationship, but so is tact and sensitivity. right now, i don't see a good way of being tactful and sensitive about this. i don't want to make the date feel like there's excessive pressure coming from my end, because i know that their first instinct will be to protect themself and run/resist. and if i take things as they are right now, i'll be trapped in this schroedinger's cat state where the outcome is both positive and negative before i actually take any action. to evaluate the best and worst case scenarios, the former is that the date agrees and we're closer. the latter is that the date feels threatened and breaks it off. the in-the-middle scenario ranges from us reaching a compromise to everything remaining status quo, so it's kind of a big fuzzy area. perhaps i can do this in a calm, non-threatening manner. just have to choose a good time and place. maybe on a somewhat neutral date. we'll see.

there are a few other thoughts, about age gaps in dating, as well as about settling for someone...both kind of related to the above, in a rather roundabout way. but i think i'll sort out my thoughts and phrase them properly before i write anything on those topics.

-random thought of the day: Motivation comes from the strangest places.-