When i was with the ex, our first "perfect" date was our first valentine's day together, about 3 or 4 months since we started dating. i just had my first perfect date with L after a week of knowing him. admittedly there was some friction at the start, but we got over that and had a great time.

L has several friend groups. i met his girl friends from secondary school (we ate at tan yu's vivocity branch, then had ben & jerry's ice cream) on saturday. they seem to be a nice enough bunch, but i will admit that there was some first-time meeting awkwardness...not helped by me not being the most social person! at least i've sort of gained their approval, so that's nice. his guy friend group is a little bit more...suspicious/wary of me. one of them had 2 issues, which were my age and my finances. i feel it's legitimate. he's looking out for his friend and i can respect that. still, it made me worry that he would convince L to rethink the relationship and that upon reconsideration, L would break up with me. L tried to allay my fears over text, but texting doesn't convey nuance and emotion very well...so i was still on tenterhooks about the whole thing. it was only at night when we talked face to face that i was able to tell him about this worry, and he reassured me that he was in it with me for the long haul. this was all on sunday, by the way.

earlier that night, we also met scary JC friend and her boyfriend. kind of like a double date, but it was mainly to see what she thought of L. i have to say, L really 很会做人 (literally: knows how to be a human being). the metaphorical meaning of that phrase is that he knows how to deal with people - he bought scary JC friend a tea advent calendar, despite my repeated reassurances that a 见面礼 was unnecessary. we ate at the fancy unagi place again, followed by chinese meat skewers for round 2. all in all, a very satisfying dinner/evening, only made better by the company. she approves of him, which is one major hurdle that he's cleared. i knew he'd get through no problem!

i followed him home and stayed the night. somehow i think we're getting better at sharing a sleeping space - like, we'll fall asleep faster, not wake up so many times in the middle of the night, and just be more comfortable with another body in close proximity. as good as the date was, i enjoyed today's interactions more. we went to seletar mall to get groceries and do other miscellaneous shopping, then cooked lunch at home. we worked together quite well in the kitchen - another green flag! i did most of the cutting, he did most of the cooking. his knives are horribly blunt, though. got to bring my stone over and sharpen them up so it's safer. yes, counterintuitive as it sounds, a sharp knife is safer than a blunt knife. with a sharp knife, you don't have to exert that much pressure during cutting, meaning a sharp knife is more easily controlled. lunch was carbonara-style pasta with a whole bunch of ingredients. nowhere near traditional, but tasted really good. we then lazed around for a while before cleaning and washing up, and i left for home while he went for his weekly family dinner.

although we didn't do anything mega thrilling, i felt thoroughly happy and content. is this what married life is like? if so, i could really get used to it. have a slow start to the morning, leisurely doing errands in the neighbourhood, spending quality time together even doing something as unexciting as cooking a meal. it makes my heart swell to think that this could become a routine with L, whose smile i will never get tired of seeing. i MIGHT just reconsider my position on marriage. definitely no kids, though!

future forecast: meeting L for morning exercise tomorrow. if anyone needs proof of how much love can motivate a person, look here. we might be doing something on wednesday, but that's TBC. meeting his dad on thursday...oh boy. i feel slightly above average nervousness for this one. but i'm going into it with the idea of putting my best foot forward and asking for his blessing to be with/take care of his son. which reminds me, i should set up more meetings, with the chemistry guys and JC friends. will i ever introduce him to family? maybe. still a bit too early to say.

-random thought of the day: Sleepy, and there's morning exercise tomorrow.-

Barely a week has passed since i first met L in person. today's a week to the day, actually. in these 7 days, i feel like i've grown up a whole lot. i've never felt so deeply for another person, and i think it's because (1) our visions are aligned, and (2) my feelings are truly reciprocated. like in the past, i kind of thought like i'd be ok with any old job, or living any old how. but now it's like, 'i want to give my partner a good life. how can i do that?'. and that motivates me to work hard, eat healthy, consider joining him for exercise, etc. ok, fine. that last one might also be because of the added reward of getting to spend more time with him. but hey, whatever it takes to achieve the goal, right?

i don't know if we're moving out of the puppy love phase yet, but we've highlighted the need to have some serious conversations soon. we've had some already, actually. it sounds kind of really morbid, but he told me he had a gut feeling that he'd die young and that i should live on without him if it happened. i mean...the 30s are supposed to be the prime of one's life. and i've only just met this guy! i'm hoping for another 30 years with him, minimum. the scary thing is that he has a hereditary condition that may be life-threatening if it acts up. good news is that he hasn't experienced anything like that so far, plus his dad is still healthy at close to 60 years old. i figure that's a hurdle we'll cross if/when we get to it, but it's made me want to stop wasting time and just do things that i'd normally be afraid/hesitant to do. the tuition centre is one of those things. i kind of want to move in with him ASAP to do the couple life thing. my mentor figure said that i should go all in on one thing, instead of 50% each on 2 things. he was referring to my work, of course - day job vs. tuition centre. but i also see it in my relationship. failure simply isn't an option at this time. 

-random thought of the day: Staying over at his place again tonight!-

Does it happen to you often? you recall some quote or song lyric or random information, then can't figure out where you heard it from. the most recent one i had was "if this is reality, never let me sleep. if this is a dream, never let me awaken". turns out it's from the karate kid 2, a movie which i only saw in passing once a long time ago. weird how the brain can hold on to such random trivia!

that line is also exactly how i feel about L right now. i'm still in disbelief that a guy who's so perfect for me in every way exists! i don't dare to say that this is my last relationship due to some concerns (both practical and ideological), but i would be perfectly happy growing old with him if the state of things hold. i'm definitely optimistic, though! he actually told his dad about my existence and our developing relationship. my heart just about exploded when he did. it was incredibly brave of him, and the most ridiculous thing is that he doesn't see it as brave! as for the dad...he didn't give his blessing, exactly? but he didn't reject the idea, either. it was more like he wanted his son to be careful and not get played, a feeling which i totally understand! i'm seeing it as my duty(?) to convince the dad that i'll be good for his son. that was on thursday, by the way. he was feeling emotional after the tough conversation, so i borrowed the car and went to spirit him away for a bit. we ended up eating at mcdonalds and talking for a few hours. strange that time seems to fly by on our dates, but that's a good sign, right?

yesterday (friday) was a workday for him, so i wasn't expecting anything...until he asked to meet for dinner. that turned into yet another sleepover. i went to the alumni gathering straight from his place, where i shared some stuff with scary JC friend (including letting slip that i didn't come from home!). she's excited to meet him, which i think is a great sign. so far, none of the people i've dated have met her. it's probably going to be the litmus test of my relationships moving forward...survive the best friend, and you're good. and if i'm the one who has reservations about them meeting, then perhaps i'm subconsciously thinking that the relationship may not work out.

having a partner who lives near you is such a blessing. granted, distance shouldn't be a dealbreaker but being able to walk home in a reasonable time from a partner's place beats trying to find grab or whatever. i definitely lucked out here; not only can i walk home if needed, he actually would like me to stay over more often! i'm THIS close to marrying him already. no, i kid - singapore law doesn't allow that. despite being anti-marriage for the longest time, the thought of marrying him doesn't scare me at this point.

perspective check! of course, we're still smack in the middle of the honeymoon period. scary JC friend told me that i should really start to watch out when i feel less like accommodating him or taking initiative to go the extra mile, as that would indicate decreased novelty and so-called complacency starting to set in. at this point, i feel like that won't happen. realistically, i know that even the shiniest toys lose their lustre eventually. well, i hope that if/when it happens, we can communicate well enough to resolve any dissatisfaction before it turns to resentment.

not going to lie, the speed at which we're progressing does concern me a little, in that it may all just come crashing down due to a not-solid foundation of knowing each other well first. i literally stayed over at his place on our first meeting/date! scary JC friend did tell me that rather than the duration, the things that happened should be the main assessment criteria, so to speak. that's the same message found in atomic habits - it's not how long someone has been doing something, it's how many times they've done it...ie. frequency over duration. also, not sure if i mentioned this before, but my primary school classmate who moved to australia proposed to his wife 3 months after first meeting her. as far as i know, they're still happily married now. yes, i know that they're a huge outlier, but they give me hope.

right, i'm just going to do my best for the relationship. so far, he hasn't set off my warning bells yet, so that's a plus. he did pre-empt me that his mood/temper might get worse during his busy periods, so that's something i'll have to navigate when the time comes. i think as long as he looks to me for support and doesn't take out his anger and negative emotions on me (and obviously the same goes for me to him), we should be good.

-random thought of the day: Meeting his friends later!-

People are complex. actually that's not true. the fundamental human motivations are food and sex. the complexity comes from the extents to which humans will go to get those things. as relationships are typically linked to sex, they tend to come with their fair share of problems and accompanying attempts by people to provide solutions/guidelines. i'm insanely grateful for this new guy's presence in my life. it's been 2 more days since my last post, and there have been green flags popping up. perhaps i should tell you a bit about what we've been doing in this time, and you can tell me if i'm wearing green-tinted glasses. for easier reference, the new guy will be nicknamed "L". not going to go into the origins of this nickname, but as a point of interest/trivia, his legal name doesn't contain any Ls at all.

i actually didn't mention our monday date! as you know, i stayed over at his house from sunday night to monday. he didn't have work, so we went to NEX for a late lunch and to run some errands. he said that a green flag he saw in me was that i treated the service staff nicely. thank you, japan and UK experiences! going abroad really mellowed me out, and helped me to be friendlier to people in the service industry. they deserve it...except sennheiser. the first-level customer service staff there suck SO bad! where was i? oh, we were both feeling tired due to not sleeping much the previous night (no dirty thoughts, people!) and we basically walked around a bit more before his dad came to pick him up and i took the train home. i should mention that i didn't bring a change of clothes because i wasn't expecting to stay over, so i borrowed some of his to sleep in and when we went out. considering i'm someone who hates clothes shopping due to internalized insecurity about clothes sizes that fit, i was really surprised that i could fit into some of his stuff especially since he's of medium/average build. he lent me a shirt which was a uniqlo L (or maybe XL?) and it was big on me! this might be my "building self-confidence" arc, no joke. i've already mentioned the video call to end our monday night, so not going to repeat it here. oh, except to say that we decided to start a daily gratitude thing (mention one thing about the other party/that the other party did that day which makes you grateful). it sounds mega...i don't know - new age and hippie-like, but i'm all for it because i think it'll strengthen the relationship.

that brings us to yesterday (tuesday). we didn't have plans to meet initially, but he decided to run to my place for his morning run. i must admit, this guy is disciplined. he's adopting strategies from this book called "atomic habits", which he's also lent me to read. i'm halfway through, and it's quite intriguing. tell you all about it another time. he was incredibly touched that i brought water down for him, and meanwhile i'm just like...it's something i'd do for a loved one. we spent most of the morning talking before he had to go back and prepare for work.

in a fit of insanity, we agreed to meet again after his work. since he works near-ish to my aunt's place, i went over to see my niece and nephew who were there after school. their dad (my older cousin) told them about an old childhood nickname which i had, and that brought back some unpleasant memories. i hope they don't remember/use it, because we might have to have a serious conversation if they do. worst case i'll just increase the (emotional) distance. don't need that in my life any more. L got a bit worried when i wouldn't share the details with him later in the night, but i told him that i was over it and just didn't like the memories it brought up. although now after some time since the incident, i wonder if i might be overreacting a bit. we'll see how i feel if and when it happens next time. back to the evening date, we ate at collin's at PLQ. pretty good food; i loved the fried whole barramundi which L got. quick self-praise moment: i offered to debone the fish for him. thank you paternal grandparents (especially paternal grandfather) for teaching me to eat and love fish! i had chicken and waffles, which were good too. not something i'd normally go for, but i had a random craving.

CONTENT WARNING: M18

following dinner, he invited me to spend the night again...and i agreed. i'm not going to go into too many details, but let's just say some M18 stuff happened, and i felt extremely safe and comfortable throughout. while i don't really have body shyness issues for things like going to an onsen or swimming pool, being intimate with someone else is a whole different ball game (gay pun absolutely not intended). the fact that he makes me feel comfortable in my own skin and was willing to take things slow instead of rushing to the proverbial finish line are 2 huge green flags for me. i also loved that we could laugh even during sexy times. it just seems like what a healthy relationship would/should be like!

CONTENT WARNING OVER

that brings us to this morning, where despite sleeping for maybe 4 hours or less, he went to the gym. this guy is definitely going to be a positive influence on me. not having a membership to his gym (24/7), i stayed back in his room and just vegged out for the hour or so he was away. he trusts me THAT much, to be alone in his house! without mentioning it beforehand, he made a detour on his way home to buy a couple of slices of min jiang kueh for our breakfast, which we shared. odd, isn't it? i seldom liked getting surprise-gifted by the ex, but with L it's like "yeah, awesome!" no matter what it is. he went off to meet his friends for lunch, and i went home. we're still texting back and forth sporadically despite having last physically seen each other just 4 hours ago, and i wonder if that's normal. but then again, what is "normal" exactly, anyway?

analysis time! we've actually spent way more time together than a "normal" couple would in the same timeframe. is that bad? not necessarily, in my opinion. he was joking that we speedran the dating process, which we kind of did. normally, that would raise some warning signs. however, i think we're mitigating the potential pitfalls well enough. we're meeting each other's friends this weekend (i'm meeting the first group of his on saturday, he's meeting the first group of mine on sunday). on a discord text chat, his friend has told me to treat him with care and respect. i'm sure scary JC friend will have similar to say. he's also brought up the idea of me meeting his family. since he knows them better than i do, i'm going to leave the planning to him and just show up when and where he tells me to. on my side, probably the only family members he'll get to meet are retired cousin and my aunt.

if you ask me now whether i'm feeling real love or puppy love for him, i'd definitely say real love. but that's why it could be puppy love too, right? the intensity of the feelings is there, and that could lead to warped perceptions. call me lame or cliched or whatever, but i think i can better understand how deep love can go now. i was telling a few other online friends that our...activities would have to stop, and i felt completely no regrets. no FOMO either. without putting L down, i'll say that some of my internet friends have physiques and uh...anatomy that's more conventionally attractive than what L has. despite that, i would choose L every single time because of how safe he makes me feel. love can really be a transformative force, and people have to experience it to get a sense of exactly how powerful it can be.

the 4 days from sunday until now feel almost like a dream. multiple times, both of us have rhetorically asked, "how can this be real?" it's as though someone took all my emotional and mental criteria for a partner and tailor-made this guy for me. another way i know he's sincere is that he's let me stay over at his house. if you were trying to scam or catfish someone, giving them more leads would be bad, right? unless someone is putting in a herculean effort to scam me. if so, i'd like them to know that their costs incurred during the scam operation are probably higher than my bank balance.

pretty sure there are more things on my mind, but i'm wiped out. going to take a power nap, then it's time for more job applications. hopefully i can clear the backlog of the ones requiring a tailored resume that i've saved on jobstreet. and hopefully, some company gives me a positive indicator. interview, offer, a request for more information, anything! for now, nap time!

-random thought of the day: Losing sleep over this guy is worth it.-

Lots of updates! if i'd stuck to my plan of writing a post on saturday to unload the mental baggage then, today's post would be significantly shorter, but still incredibly long due to the best 3 dates i've ever had, all of which took place yesterday and today. let's do sub-headings, no sentence limits here, i think.

interview and bank account closure

went to close my HSBC account since i wouldn't need it any more. the process took about 15 minutes? had to submit an additional form since they didn't have records of my signature as i opened the account online while i was in japan. well, at least it was completed with no major pain. even got 10 cents as accrued interest!

the interview sucked, in my opinion. or perhaps i should say i didn't perform to my personal satisfaction. the interviewers were nice enough, but i don't think i impressed them. they told me i'd know the results in about 2 weeks, which leaves about 9 working days. not too hopeful/confident, but let's see what comes my way.

date with a straight guy

it actually happened! he was the perfect gentleman, gave me surprise gifts of a (small) stuffed toy and famous amos cookies. there was no way he could have possibly known that i don't like them for being too sweet. i appreciated the gesture regardless! he brought me to goodwood park hotel for extremely atas teppanyaki. the most expensive dinner set would set a single diner back close to $500. we opted for something more budget-friendly (although he repeatedly asked me to order anything i liked/wanted). still, i wouldn't be surprised if our total bill came up to about $400. the food was great, though! we got to sit at the head teppanyaki chef's table and i watched him work. such skill! seems like a common sauce he uses is made of butter, soy sauce, and sake. something to experiment with in the future.

following that, we walked around orchard road and he sent me off right to my train door. he even stayed there until i was out of sight! really old-school gentleman charm. one more above-and-beyond thing he did was to match my dressing in terms of level of formality. he didn't have to do that, considering that he was working from home that day! mega respect his effort. add on his knack for making people laugh, and that's quite a dangerous combo for a prospect! anyway, as the date progressed, it became increasingly clear that he was perhaps a little out of his depth for same-sex dating. i mean, he did everything flawlessly, but i don't think he's mentally/emotionally ready to date a guy? just to test his comfort zone a little, i asked him how far he thought he could go when having sex with a guy. let's just say he didn't think he could go very far. still, i really commend his dedication and willingness to try new things.

unagi with scary JC friend

this was on friday evening. before that, i met up with her a little earlier to tell her about the straight guy and the guy. she was impressed by the straight guy too! as for the guy, she had a few choice words to describe his behaviour, the most memorable one being "prostitute". the conversation stopped when her other friend came, as she told me he's a bit homophobic. no point stirring a hornet's nest, so all LGBT conversation was shelved for dinner as well. the unagi place was good! grilled eel which was slightly crispy around the edges went well with seaweed, sliced spring onions, and wasabi, paired with rice, dashi broth, and more eel grilling sauce (both regular and spicy versions). would definitely eat there again. in fact, i've got a plan to bring someone there soon, especially since they have a 30% off discount until the end of the month.

the guy

ok, i think it's time to call a spade a spade. from now on, this guy will bear the nickname GD. no prizes for guessing what that means (yes, gold digger)! so, for the past week, GD has called me 3 times or so. EVERY SINGLE TIME, he asked for something. food, skincare, money for his phone and other wants. it got to the point where i was hesitating to accept calls from him because i knew there would be yet another ridiculous request coming. he really got more brazen as time passed. on saturday, he called to ask me to go skincare shopping with him the next day (with me footing the bill, of course). when i made sure that my schedule clashed with his, he pulled out this gem - "how about you pay for it online and i go collect it from the shop? i don't mind going to branches A, B, or C". like...wow. i was literally speechless. i really wonder, does that sound like a reasonable compromise to him? looks like as long as my wallet/credit card is present for a date, my physical body can be excused from attending it. while i've always known that the dynamic was unhealthy, this ridiculous request made me snap out of it for real. i'll leave GD's final fate to the next point, which is...

dating someone else

another positive that came out of thursday's date with the straight guy was that he introduced me to another bi(?) guy. this guy says he can recognize beauty in women but feels no attraction to them, hence bi. i don't know...i can objectively say a woman is attractive, but i still identify as gay. well, it's a personal thing and i don't think there's a right or wrong. we talked for all of friday and saturday, before we arranged to meet up on sunday. he had a thing at yishun, so the initial plan was to take a bus over from his place in sengkang (not super-near to me), eat at yishun, then part ways when he had to go for his thing. over lunch, i enjoyed being around him so much that i asked him out for dinner after his thing was over...and he accepted. we talked all night and into the early hours, where he invited me to spend the night at his house because public transport had stopped. as i was still technically "with" GD at this time, nothing M18 happened because he didn't want to be a cheater. i respect his principles! we spent basically the whole night talking, maybe sleeping for only an hour or two. in the morning, i finally wrote a long goodbye message to GD (more than he deserved), sent it, then blocked him on every platform we shared contact details over. the instant after that, i asked this guy to be my boyfriend, and he agreed!

retired cousin once wrote me a prayer, back in 2014 (aka. the worst christmas ever™). it goes "I will pray for you to be happy, healthy and well. That you will find someone someday who makes your heart sing. That you will experience all the joy of life and love. And that people will accept you for you." even after coming-to 10 years, tears still fall when i read it. and today, even more tears fell because i think i may have found that someone in this guy. he's 6 years younger than me, and incredibly mature. like me, he believes in supporting each other and working together towards a common goal. he's sassy and makes me laugh. i never get tired of hearing him talk (ramble). he's not afraid to be vulnerable around me. he trusts me to take care of him. HE FINDS ME ATTRACTIVE, from my body type to my lazy eye! he's asked me at least 3 times in the past 36 hours, "where have you been all my life?" before following up with, "in japan!". we have interestingly-overlapping social circles too; both my old chemistry teacher and one of the chemistry guys' sisters taught him when he was in secondary school.

we just had a long video call to discuss if we were moving too quickly in the relationship. bearing in mind we first spoke 5 days ago and had our first in-person date just yesterday, perhaps i shouldn't have asked to date him this soon. i will say though, this experience reinforced that the way to make someone throw something away is to dangle an even shinier thing within grasp. i was so afraid of dropping GD because there was nothing similar around. when this shinier person came about, GD (who provided no value-add to me) was out on his butt so fast it'd make your head spin. at this point, me and this guy (still trying to choose his nickname) are dating, with the intention to inform our respective close(r) friend groups, and in his case, his family. those are HUGE moves which seem intimidating but i believe would help the relationship. they also tell me that we're moving towards a common direction, so that's reassuring.

just being with him brings about this calm energy and makes me interact with others way more nicely. stupidly cliche as it sounds i want to be the best version of myself for him. i've never experienced that thought with any of the exes i've dated so far. is this the motivating power of love? is this even love? i'd like to believe so, but considering the short duration of the relationship, it could be infatuation/puppy love. that's for tomorrow's well-rested me to discuss.

-random thought of the day: Sleep deprivation is hell.-

An incident with the guy yesterday made me reexamine this entire thing. to keep it short, he mentioned that he was going to buy his family a meal from his paycheck after working this week. i asked if he'd buy me something (cheap, like priced a couple of dollars at most) as well, and his response was basically "f off". he proceeded to tell me he was doing it only because his family was important to him (and what have i done for him?) and how i know he was trying to save money for the various things he wanted, yet felt ok with asking him to spend money on me. how is this guy's love language gifts again!? receiving gifts, sure, but it has to work both ways to be a love language, right?

due to this, he chose to go home after dinner and skip grocery shopping for ingredients that i was going to use to meal prep for him for the next few days since he has work. honestly, i felt kind of relieved that i wouldn't have to cook for him. cooking for someone is a way for me to express love for them, and pardon me for being rude, i feel like he isn't worth the effort now. he also sent me multiple messages last night detailing what he thought was wrong with me (boring and sensitive being two things he mentioned). i don't know...is it wrong to (1) have a small, maybe odd selection of interests/hobbies, (2) expect better treatment from someone who is supposed to be in a relationship with you? anyway...the plan is to play it cool from here on and see how things develop. i did consider maybe going down to his workplace later today to bring him dinner as a romantic/make-up gesture...but nah. maybe as much as i want this to work, he's too immature at this point. in a text conversation some days back, retired cousin mentioned she thought i could do so much better. i laughed when i read it!

i also picked up a book called "the obesity code" at the library yesterday, and as you might guess, it was about long-term weight loss. their solution, in addition to eating right, is to incorporate fasting into the daily routine. i mean it makes sense as well, eating zero (or minimal) calories on even one day will bring your average calorie consumption down by a lot across a week. and there are only so many calories you can ingest in a given period of time, so intermittent fasting also helps to control intake. good thing is i kind of do that already; i try to eat only between 12 and 6pm on most days (ie. an 18-hour intermittent fast), but it's not very strict. i don't even factor that in when arranging to meet friends for meals.

the book also mentioned fasting for longer periods of time, for up to 3 months? to clarify, their definition of "fast" isn't the complete abstinence from food and drink. liquids are still allowed, up to broths. i'm tempted to try it, but adding chia seeds to the mix as well - i have an idea for chocolate chia pudding that sounds pretty good. for starters, i think i could go for a bit more than a whole day without eating. this means stopping at dinner on day 0, not eating anything for day 1, and resuming eating midway through day 2. might try that out starting saturday night. not sure if i want to build up to a months-long fast (though the idea is tempting!)...maybe i'll target fasting for a week and see how i feel after that. i was just thinking that long-term fasting would save on my food costs too!

today is day 5 since my last gym session. i'm happy to report that the aches have all but faded. the recovery took longer than i imagined! makes me wonder if i went too hard already. perhaps i'll stick to the current weights until i can do 5 sets of 5 no problem. as for a gym schedule or membership...i'm going to put that on the backburner for now. after all, weight loss can be accomplished via diet alone, and gym/exercise is to build up muscles and accelerate/supplement the process. the idea now is to go maybe once or twice a week, activesg for now. i figured why not, since i have $100 or so in credits, and each visit costs $2.50 only. that's about 40 visits, meaning i might make it last between 5 and 10 months, depending on how often i go. i'll revisit the idea of a long-term gym subscription once i land a job and basically have more certainty in my life and finances.

big day tomorrow! got that date with the other guy. the plan is just dinner and we'll see what comes after. i'm not going into it with any expectations, least of all to get a relationship out of it. he seems more straight anyway, as he's been talking about meeting girls. quite interested to see what he'll do and what his final goal is with me. also, going to go down to a HSBC branch to close my account. tried to do it online, but no dice. since plan UK is off the table, i don't need the account there any more, plus not having to maintain a minimum sum in another account helps me to have more cash available. i should also think about getting the investment plan started; i figure the longer i wait, the longer it'll take to see returns.

-random thought of the day: How much to start investing?-

In an unexpected twist, the publishing company did not give me an offer. i thought the interview went well, and i'm pretty sure we ended it on a positive note. but well...it is what it is. i'm not too upset over it, considering i was questioning whether i'd be able to put up with china-accented english long-term. not to mention the prospect of a daily commute to and from jurong east. having said that...the problem of not having a job remains. it seems to still be an employer's market now. with luck, the interview later this week will go well.

more unexpected news. someone asked me out on a date! so i've been detailing the happenings with the guy online (not just here) and someone who read my posts reached out. he wanted to show me what a "proper" date should be like. as if that itself wasn't strange enough, this guy is supposedly straight and i'm the first guy he's asked out. maybe he's bicurious? he's also expressed willingness to hold hands, maybe do some kissing. not sure how far we'll go, but at least i have a ballpark range of acceptable activities. so far, i must say that i'm quite impressed. he's asked about my food preferences and other likes/interests. upon telling him about a song that's been stuck in my head recently, he recorded a piano version of it and sent it to me. in all my dating attempts so far, i'm usually the one doing the chasing. it feels nice to be wooed for a change! the date's set for thursday, and we're going for teppanyaki. that's about all the details i know so far. not going to lie, i'm actually pretty excited for this!

as for the guy, he told me yesterday that he wouldn't mind if i didn't get him the $800+ item, and that he would get it himself if i wanted to spend money on him in other ways. ok, he didn't phrase it like that exactly, but that was the gist of it. might be my brain going into suspicious mode, but it feels like he realized that he'd asked for too much, and is now trying to reduce or redirect the stakes. perhaps he picked up on the fact that i'm not the type to spend $800+ on a fashion item, but i'd be more ok with spending the equivalent amount on food (say, 40 $20 meals) or other things over a longer term. by going with the second route, he'll save enough money to buy the item himself - just that it's less romantic because i didn't get it for him. but hey, the end outcome is the same - he gets the thing. it really sounds like a scientific theory...maybe i should call this the principle of conservation of money!

separately, one other warning sign i'm picking up on is just the way he speaks to me. i mean, while being romantic and sappy would be nice if we're supposed to be seeing each other, it's not a requirement. my requirement is that my partner speaks to me with respect. does the line "you're starting to piss me off" sound respectful to you? for me personally, that's not a line i would use on people i care about. now that i think about it, it's not a line that i would use at all! my preferred expression would be something like "i'm starting to get annoyed/angry". anyway. i feel that him using harsh language to someone who he's supposedly with doesn't show consideration. and i'm increasingly seeing that he's more self-centred - always talking about what he wants, seldom (if ever) asking about me. i kind of broached the topic with him, and his reason (excuse?) was that he didn't want to pry into my personal life. this is coming from the guy who asked how much money i had in my bank account, mind you. unfortunately, i stupidly told him an approximate figure. so that will help him gauge how much he can squeeze out of me i guess.  i might have to drill it into his head that he's in no position to decide how i spend my money. and considering that my goal of getting a house comes first, he's going to get blood from a stone before i agree to big, frivolous purchases.

there was the alumni mid-autumn festival dinner yesterday. saw scary JC friend in person for the first time since her accident; she seems to be well. the alumni group love her because she's extroverted, likes drinking, and can drink well. looks like bringing her in was a good move. i also told her about the guy and the other guy who asked me out on a date. we're due to catch up on friday, by which time the interview will be over. so that's another thing to update her on! for now, more cleaning up and clothes disposal, followed by testing my new bicycle pump.

-random thought of the day: Feeling a little down.-

Relationships differ from person to person and couple to couple. that's today's captain obvious statement. having only one point of reference for a relationship so far, and with that point of reference being severely skewed, i have to admit that my perspective may not be the most well-developed. i guess i might need more exposure to how different people express and receive love. having said that though, my gold digger sense is going into high gear as far as the guy is concerned. maybe let me recount the past days' events first.

since the last post, i've seen him on wednesday, friday, and today. i'm actually kind of happy that he doesn't seem to mind seeing me relatively often, compared to the ex who was a once (max twice) a week kind of guy for dates. and i guess this is one point against the gold digger hypothesis - that he's willing to spend time with me even on inexpensive dates. of course, it could be part of a long con so maybe i shouldn't judge this either way. another thought is that he still benefits because i spend money on him even during so-called cheap dates. anyway, we went to the pasar malam at tampines on wednesday. not having been to one for at least 10 years, it was almost like going for the first time - so many things changed! the variety and selection of items for sale, to name two major things. i used to see things like chicken wings, satay, otah, ramly burgers. while most of the old classics are still there, more trendy things like rosti, knafeh, pizza, even ramen have made their way in as well. my opinion is that pasar malam food is completely not worth it, from both cost and nutrition perspectives. i'd probably only go for it if i had a specific craving to satisfy. and due to changes in my eating habits recently, i don't find myself craving that kind of food as much, or even at all. go me!

didn't do much on thursday except go get broccoli from the supermarket, so there's not much to say there. on friday, i went to the gym with him. tried to get back into the stronglifts routine. prior to that, my last trip to the gym was before JET...so 2020? or because of COVID, it might even have been 2019! perhaps it's a mercy that my data was lost when i changed phones, because i definitely had to start from scratch all over again. not having records of my previous weights lifted there mocking me helped my mental state for sure. even the initial weights that the app recommended were too heavy for some exercises - i had to drop weights for the bench press and i'm actually surprised i made it through the whole squat routine. that's resulted in me feeling horribly sore and achy today, to the point where i can't even go into a full squat without my hamstrings and quads screaming. due to it being an activesg gym, there were many people, which meant queueing for facilities. he got impatient towards the end and hurried me to leave. granted he still waited, but it just felt not nice to be rushed. at least he let me shower at his place (which was nearby) and we had a bit of a quiet moment, both of which i appreciated. not sure how i felt about him having to go to sentosa to watch the sunset with his supposed girlfriend, though.

today started off well, but ended badly. we went to a game event where creators were selling merchandise. was crowded as hell; there was a literal blockade of people looking at booths that was impossible to pass. i'm not one for crowds, but i still tried anyway. got a few stickers and met the artist who drew one of my favourite pictures of a character in final fantasy. even took a picture with a cosplayer dressed as my in-game NPC boyfriend. the cosplayer was female, apparently? but man, i saw she had what looked to me like soft male features while in costume. might have been a combination of her looks plus the character she was dressed up as, but she was totally my type! and that's probably the last time that sentence will come from me.

following lunch with my guildmates at jianghu hotpot, i went walking around orchard with the guy. that part was nice. what wasn't nice was him pointing out things he wanted and bugging me for expensive and (in my opinion, useless) presents. i mean, why buy a $800+ shawl, especially in singapore? worse is that prices go up to $1700 for a cashmere one, which he's also got his sights set on. he got upset when i made the offhand comment that he has expensive tastes, saying that it was offensive. is that a thing that people take offense over? the worst part is towards the end, he actually cried when i didn't commit to getting it for him for a birthday present. and in my brain, i was like, 'why??' i think my gold digger sense maxed out here, and we parted on an awkward note. he later messaged to...not apologize exactly, but to say that he didn't know what came over him at the time. this time, my brain went, 'you're being played!!!' i am 85% convinced, and the remaining 15% is trying to give the benefit of the doubt and believe that he's sincere but we're just viewing the situation from very different viewpoints. i guess the thing that didn't sit right with me was his insistence that i agree to spend that kind of money on him. $800 isn't a small sum! i really don't like getting pushed into spending money that i don't want to spend. there was this artist who hopped onto my final fantasy stream last month to advertise his commissions. he was so pushy! kept asking me to commission art from him even after i told him i was not in the financial position to do so. blocked and banned.

first off, we are fundamentally different people. i've had the privilege of growing up financially secure. not rich by any means, but i've had all my needs met - never having to go hungry or without shelter. i guess you could even say i experienced a bit of the "rich life" thanks to staying over with my cousins and being included for things like hotel buffet lunches and overseas trips. on the other hand, his parents are divorced, and i understand his mother did a stint in jail? he gets some allowance, which is meant to just cover his meals...meaning no savings. not good for someone who has expensive tastes! which begs the question, how did he develop such expensive tastes anyway!? he studies fashion, so maybe from there? or perhaps my childhood/adolescence was so sheltered that i wasn't exposed to luxury goods, and therefore never developed an attraction to them. really makes me wonder whether it's a nature or nurture thing. or maybe i was just a more sensible kid. whatever the case is, i still don't feel particularly attracted to luxury brands, and i'm pretty confident that i'm brand-blind for things like clothes and accessories because i prioritize functionality/usefulness over brand.

next, about how we express and receive love. my primary love language is physical touch, while my weakest is gifts. i'll say though, while gifts are still my weakest love language, i've come to better appreciate the acts of giving and receiving gifts. perhaps due to the ex? i guess because the ex was more willing to spend money on me than i was to on him, i never really felt like he was gold digging. i think i made up for it in other ways though, particularly in acts of service (driving him around everywhere). it's still not something i'll do on a grand scale, but picking up something small/meaningful for people seems more natural now. even then, i'm not the type to ask others for gifts. yes, i know i've posted gift requests on this blog before, but i totally do not expect anyone to get them for me. in fact, i'd be stunned if any of my 3-ish readers actually followed through on my requests!

so that's about giving love. i think i can do all 5 reasonably well. but as for receiving love...that's a bit trickier. especially for gifts, because the price/value of a gift seems to play a part too. the thing though, is that it shouldn't! i've heard people with gifts as their love language would be happy receiving anything as long as thought was put into it. even then, i can't deny that i'd be happier receiving a car as opposed to a pretty rock. one thing the guy said made me pause to think. it was "if you get it (the $1700 shawl) for me, i'll be loyal to you forever". is the reverse true? that he'd not be loyal to me if i didn't buy him the shawl? see, it's things like that that make me wonder how committed he is to me/the relationship vs. my money.

trying to understand it from his point of view, maybe he equates material things with security and love. like, he wants someone who is able and willing to provide for him. i don't think that's an unreasonable want. goodness knows i'd go for someone who'd drop $2000 on me too! i just don't understand why he'd choose to get something that has limited practical use in singapore...says the guy who has about 10 fountain pens and never really uses them. the problem comes when the cash dries up. will he feel unloved due to the lack of gifts and move on to someone else? this potential scenario really clashes with a core value of mine - that i'm in a relationship through thick and thin. the other love languages are sustainable regardless of financial status, so they're easier to maintain.

he also mentioned that one way he expresses love is to physically hurt people...and not in the fun, sexy way either! like, he was actively pinching me on the MRT. call me weak or whatever you want - i don't like pain, sexy or otherwise. if anyone else had continued to do that after being told nicely (and then less nicely) to stop, i'd have swept their legs out or something. and it makes me wonder - does an expression of love mean anything if the recipient doesn't perceive it as such? to put it in reverse, i show my love by physical touch, quality time, acts of service. it would suck if he took those for granted and still felt unloved after everything i'd potentially do for him.

playing devil's advocate for a moment, my own insecurities and biases could also be responsible for my thinking. see, i've told you before that i don't find myself attractive. so the thought here is, why would a tall young guy with pretty facial features and a decent body choose me over the hundreds of eligible (and more attractive) guys out there, if not for my money/earning power? especially when we have a huge age gap! at the same time, i know that i have my own attractive points as well. so maybe he sees some of those in me. he's also said that he could easily go for someone richer/more willing to spend on him, and that he didn't have to stick to me. that's true, by the way! my suspicious brain says he could think that letting this guaranteed fish go in hopes of hooking a bigger fish could be too much of a hassle or risk. or maybe he's sticking with me because i can put up with his BS; he did say his most recent ex (a guy) just up and ditched him one day after they'd been dating for a month saying that he'd had enough. not saying that i would do that, but i can kind of understand why he did it!

examining another problem, he's obsessed with getting buff, and is always comparing himself to guys we pass by. the thing is, his body is perfectly acceptable for someone of his age, size, and build! as much as i've tried to reassure him that he looks good to me, i acknowledge that one's self-perception is highly personal and it isn't my place to dictate how he should see himself. he also kind of let slip that he thinks he's above average and wants to be that way in all aspects, hence his dissatisfaction with his body now. if you ask me, i think his perspective has been corrupted by social media. his pinterest and tiktok are filled with hot, muscle-bound guys. personally i say there's nothing wrong with looking at muscular guys and drawing inspiration/motivation from them, but it should stop the moment it makes you feel bad/inadequate.

so, quoting a famous guns n' roses song, where do we go now? do i really want to invest my time, effort, money into this? i will say he's not as princess or introverted as the ex, which makes me happier. he's more willing to spend time with me, which i take as a positive sign. if there's one attribute of the ex's that i wish this guy had, it would be independence and the ability to spend his own money...but that's unfair. i think that if he wants me to invest (financially) in him, he's got to prove himself worthy. and the way he can do that is by making me feel valued/loved, supporting me, and just being a good partner. i hate that it still sounds transactional, although if i'm being real about it, there is a certain amount of transactionality in all relationships. each party has something that the other values, right? if not, why would people stick together? sigh. i guess like with all things, it's about taking a calculated risk here, and having both eyes open when making decisions. speaking of having both eyes open, i just noticed a not-good trend in that he rarely asks about me or even shows me care. i think it might be a matter of time before my logical brain flips out and beats my emotional/hopeful brain senseless.

man, that took a while! for events in the non-relationship sphere next week, i have the annual mid-autumn dinner with the alumni group. scary JC friend has integrated in so well that she's been invited too! apart from that, the only other big thing on my calendar is an interview with a research institution sometime later in the week (being purposefully vague here). the best case would be having the flexibility to choose from several offers, but honestly i'd be happy if even one went through. need to consider the tuition centre plan too. somehow it's still the most exciting to me at this point. but i can't deny that drawing a salary at least for the next few months (and even longer) would make me feel a bit more secure. am i confusing excitement with fear here? whatever it is, i should do something to make progress with it, be it talking to my friend, or finding out more about the process of starting a tuition centre.

-random thought of the day: Why am I continuing this interaction?-

Had an eventful 3-4 days since the last post. going to use the 10 sentences max per point rule again, but i may stretch it to 15 this time due to the amount of stuff. or maybe i'll stick with 10 to make it an exercise of my summarizing skills.

saturday

had the alumni gathering, where i met an old boy who was a chinese teacher in CJC while i was there as a student. we never crossed paths, though he knew my chinese teacher as they were colleagues. what on earth did we study for chinese in JC anyway? then met the guy for lunch plus a bit of a walk-around at bugis. it was nice, although i still sensed something amiss. finally, went to the chinese cultural centre to link up with my cousin and his family for a cultural show. the show was good; despite it being in chinese, i understood the vast majority of it without referring to the translated english subtitles which were thoughtfully displayed on TV screens. also went to explore the museum/exhibit, where my cousin beat me 9-0 in this game where you're supposed to pick ingredients to make local kopitiam drinks. we ended the day with dinner at sbcd (korean place known for their tofu) and took the train back home. i was quite impressed that he's teaching his kids how to take the train at such a young age.

sunday

most of the day was spent at home, recovering from the previous day. the guy called and we had a video call for most of the afternoon and into the evening. he was playing a game and got frustrated that he was losing, which caused his mood to worsen. i ended up as collateral damage too. guess it's a maturity thing, but i wouldn't take my frustration out on uninvolved parties. separately, another guy expressed interest in me, so we met up for a bit. he's not my type, but i think we can still be good friends.

monday

went down to jurong east for the interview with the publishing company. it went ok, i feel like i represented myself well enough. the hiring manager is china chinese, which meant china-accented english again. not sure if that will cause any communication issues if i get the job...which i'll know whether or not i do in 1-2 weeks. since i was in jurong, i also stopped by IMM to get gym shoes. contemplated track shoes as well, but decided against it as i don't foresee myself running much. got a pair of bright yellow adidas training shoes at 50% off! good thing i tried the shoes on physically instead of just going by the size chart - i had to get a size 13 to accommodate the width of my foot. also ordered a gym bag off shopee; the physical store didn't have the size i wanted (and it was cheaper online!). then went to harbourfront to meet one of the chemistry guys who proposed we start a tuition centre. is it weird that out of all the career options and job applications so far, this excites me the most? last thing was dinner with the guy (more accurately, i bought the guy dinner), plus walking around vivocity a bit. more warning signs popped up, but i'll talk about that later as i've already exceeded the sentence limit here.

tuesday

had lunch with my aunt at dian xiao er's parkway branch. the food was good (i especially liked the duck), but it was so expensive! i floated the idea of opening a tuition centre by her, and she was supportive! she even offered to invest in it, but i'm not too keen on that idea in case i end up losing her money. we went to pick up my older cousin's kids after their school and brought them to the arcade at vivocity to play for a bit before going back for dinner. i swear, i never want kids - even taking care of them on a relatively good day is so exhausting; i don't even want to experience the bad days. not to mention the expenses! i also found out about more family drama on the way to pick the kids up. we didn't discuss it in front of the kids, obviously. my other cousin came by later in the night and my uncle ended up giving the both of us a lift home. i told him about the tuition centre idea, and he was quite supportive too, although he did suggest a slightly different business model.

right, that's you caught up! i think that i should expand on a few things that i was unable to earlier because of the sentence limit. first is the guy. i'm increasingly getting the feeling that i'm being used as a personal ATM. could be a love language clash or something, i don't know. what i do know from observable phenomena are that he gets more affectionate after i buy him stuff. that's not reassuring at all. interestingly, he seems ok with small displays of affection in public - grabbing my arm, feeding me. at the same time, he gets irritable if i say or do something he's not happy with. maybe it's me, but i think that you should show someone special to you a bit more consideration. which leads to the question: am i special to him? he's not been as communicative recently, but that could also be because of stress from school and other areas of life. the bottom line is i don't feel i'm getting out as much as i put into this interaction. and if this goes on for too long, resentment will build. should address this asap.

next, about business. i've heard that there are only 2 ways to get rich: inherit wealth, or start a business. of course, the "rich" here would bring to mind millionaire-level rich. inheritance is out of the question (more dirty laundry), so business it is. at this point, i think i'm at the "ignorance" stage - i don't know what i don't know. while i trust my friend to make good business decisions, i can't be completely clueless either. my aunt cautioned me to get everything in black and white, due to her own experience in trusting friends. i was planning to anyway, but i appreciated the reminder. everything is still quite up in the air at this time, by the way. i think i'll probably go sit in on a couple of my friend's classes, then teach a few classes of my own to get a feel for the curriculum and style. if i think it's a fit, then i'll move on with the plan. incidentally, it seems like i'll have to teach maths. not my favourite thing in the world, but at shouldn't be too bad at the sec 1 and 2 levels.

health-wise, i've been good about monitoring my intake. not being super religious about it, but definitely eating less and trying to move about more. surprisingly, i haven't had any cravings for snacks or sweet stuff. i think that's a step in the right direction! maybe the protein shake fulfills it? anyway, i've also started fibre supplements. just had my first one last night, and i hope you won't think it's too gross when i say i had a really smooth bowel movement earlier. i could get used to this healthy living stuff!

-random thought of the day: Seeing the guy later today again.-

Sudden change of plans; scary JC friend got into an accident and the car's in the workshop. it was bad to the point where the airbags deployed. she's quite shaken up by the whole thing, and is in no shape to go anywhere tonight. not that we have the transport to go even if she wanted to, anyway! she says it's not her first accident, but it's her first serious one. she's pretty shaken up, which is to be expected. i hopefully made her feel better by telling her about my 2 major accidents, both of which were news to her.

that disruption aside, everything else went well, i'd say. managed to visit all 4 gyms. including the anytime fitness nearest to my place, i have the current rankings:

distance (closest to furthest)

anytime fitness rivervale mall (RM)

anytime fitness sengkang community hospital (SH)

24/7 fitness anchorvale (AV)

activesg gym sengkang (AS)

24/7 fitness seletar mall (SM - opening soon)

24/7 fitness fernvale (FV)

gym size (largest to smallest)

SM (projected)

RM

FV

SH

AS

AV

crowd (least to most crowded, based on today's visit)

FV

AV

SH (RM is probably similar)

AS

price (cheapest to most expensive)

activesg

24/7 fitness (12-month plan)

anytime fitness (12-month plan)

after looking at my rankings, i'm tempted to go with 24/7 fitness. only thing is, the shower facilities at the anchorvale one are a little lacking. just one cubicle with a shower stall and dry changing area inside. the one at fernvale is better, just that it's further away - 35 minutes by bike. which reminds me, bike parking is somewhat of an issue as well. there are 2 more gyms to consider - energyone (SAFRA) and the NUSS guild house. energyone is the next-cheapest after activeSG, but it's a little further away. not to mention it's likely to be crowded. since it's catered for SAFRA members, there'll be a higher proportion of guys, though!! might want to check it out next week. as for the guild house one, it's advertised as "free", but the guild house membership is $100 a month on top of a $700 joining fee, making it the most expensive one out of the bunch. putting it aside for the moment, energyone might be feasible, but i'm not too keen on the crowds. i guess we'll see how my recce trip there (which i've planned for next week) goes.

the situation with the guy confuses me. it's like, he told me in no uncertain terms that we aren't dating or in a relationship. yet, he continues to use pet names with me. worse, he literally just asked me for money to buy food. it makes me wonder what he's trying to do - have a girlfriend and a money tree at the same time? i refused him, by the way. not going to let him think he'll get whatever he wants out of me. i think i pinpointed what makes me uncomfortable/confused. it's like he's two different people - sometimes nice, sweet, and romantic; other times bratty, demanding, and volatile. it gives me the impression that he's just trying to butter me up to get money/gifts out of me. sucks. well i'll monitor it and see how it goes. interestingly, jedi master's and my big brother figure's words are coming true - people are showing an interest in me. more online interactions for now as i haven't had the time to do the sauna thing yet. soon!

incidentally, today's the first double post day i've had in a while. guess a lot of things happened! don't expect this regularly, though. tomorrow's packed as well; going to the alumni thing, then a break of about 4 hours in the middle of the day where i plan to go to bugis to look at stationery, followed by a cultural show and dinner with my cousin and his family. so artsy, unlike sciency me. but i guess there has to be some balance after all.

Nothing beats that first night of sleeping in a bed with fresh sheets. i finally got into gear and changed my bedding (mattress protector, sheets, pillows, pillow protectors, pillowcases) to the ones i got off shopee. the new pillows are a little more compressible - lucky i got 2! the overall height is still well within my (literal) comfort zone, so it's all good. all that's left to do is to bring the old bedlinens down to the textile recycling point. hopefully that will go some way to reducing the dust in my room; my eyes have recently started itching, and my nose is becoming blocked up. ah, allergy symptoms. how i've missed you (NOT!). i honestly don't get it. i live on the 10th floor. where's the dust coming from!? i mean sure, there's shedding of dead skin which i can't avoid, but does it contribute that much? who knows. i'm kind of tempted to get an air purifier to see if it'll do anything.

other things on today's to-do list are to check out 3 or 4 potential gyms. i've already been to the anytime fitness in the mall nearest to my place, and i don't have a very good impression of it. the gyms i want to check out today are: anytime fitness at sengkang hospital (apparently there's one there!), sengkang activesg gym, and 24/7 fitness at anchorvale. if i have time/energy, i'll check out another 24/7 fitness at fernvale. good thing that they're all more or less in a straight line! hopefully the weather holds out too, it's looking a bit overcast at the moment with a forecast of rain in the afternoon. problem is, weather forecasts here aren't as accurate as ones in japan, so the uncertainty is high.

based on my current research, activesg will be the cheapest. what's more, i can use my government-given credits to offset entry/membership fees, so that'll really help my wallet out. anytime fitness has a returning member promotion - about $95 per month for an 18-month contract, plus an additional $95 for the key. not sure what happened to my old key, i might have thrown it away. wasted! 24/7 fitness is slightly more expensive at $98 per month for 12 months, but there are no hidden fees like registration fees or key charges. today, i will need to gather information on the equipment/facilities available at each location, as well as the typical crowded time periods. just based on feel so far, i'm more inclined to 24/7 fitness despite it being further away. in theory, that also gives me opportunity to do cardio by cycling there. but the distance might turn out to be a demotivator as well - "it's too far, i'm lazy to go" is a very likely excuse.

i also want to update on what lifestyle changes i've made so far. i've been trying to get between 7 to 8 hours of sleep every night. kind of successful there. trying to sleep before midnight...less successful. i'm also starting a routine of weighing myself every morning, after waking up (and relieving myself to get rid of the variable water weight). rather than being concerned about the numbers, i'm looking more at the trend. so far it's been decreasing, which is good. as for food, i'm eating only between 2 to 6pm on days when i'm home and don't have any social engagements. this isn't really strict...i'll eat a bit outside of those hours if i feel hungry, but more often than not just drinking water helps. i do log calories for days that i'm home (too much uncertainty in outside food to bother) but it's just a guideline.

according to the smart scales, my BMR is ~1800 calories. that's actually quite similar to some calculator websites. makes me think they they might just apply a formula after getting my weight instead of deriving it through fundamental measurements. a 500 calorie deficit per day supposedly gives a healthy weight loss pace of about 0.5kg per week, which means i should eat at about 1300 calories if i'm at home, and i've got a bit more leeway when i'm out and about. my caloric expenditure should also increase with cycling, gym, and whatnot, so i'll have to make the adjustments when the time comes. reminder to self: this is approximate. i'm not about to let myself become obsessed over counting every last calorie. that's basically a recipe for an eating disorder!

i'm also trying a new menu/routine - 1 light meal (may be skipped) and 1 substantial meal a day, plus a protein shake. the light meal could be scrambled eggs or a salad, the substantial meal could be a piece of meat with vegetables. i'm grateful that i'm not fussy with food, and find no issue in having the same meal multiple times in a row! the protein shake is new. i figure it functions almost as a meal replacement since protein is more filling. it tastes pretty good, and is low in calories too! shaking up the powder in the water also gives the shake a kind of frothy texture, which is pleasant. the next level is to add fibre, which will happen when my shopee order comes in.

kind of a random note to end on, but i think i just unlocked a new level in omelette making. previously, i had problems with the eggs sticking to the pan, and it persisted even when i used more oil. today, i let the usual amount of oil heat up in the pan a little longer before adding the eggs. i also left the eggs to set up a bit more before moving them around. result - zero stickage! like, literally zero. need to do it a few more times to be sure, but i'm hopeful. with what's left of today, i've got to check the gyms out, and scary JC friend invited me for supper in JB. kind of unsure whether to go or not, because it's staying out late, eating late...the antithesis of healthy lifestyle! i'll see how i feel later in the night, i guess.

-random thought of the day: Do I need to set a time limit for job hunting?-

Over dinner with jedi master yesterday, i came to a couple of revelations. first: it's awesome to have a cheerleader in your corner. second: i am living (way) below my potential. the second one is a big one that houses a few sub-points, so i'll spend more time talking about it later.

"cheerleaders" here obviously doesn't refer to the pom-pom-wielding variety. rather, i mean people who want you to succeed and who will spur you on, sometimes even going out of their way to help you. retired cousin, for example, who tapped on her contacts to help me learn more about teaching in NZ. or my professor, who unconditionally agreed to be my reference for job applications. from what i understand, he gave me a glowing reference for the turf club horse pee job that i applied for many years ago (and that i turned down for the accursed IP firm), so i know that in both these cases, their money is where their mouths are.

work isn't the only aspect of life that benefits from having cheerleaders. even in one's personal life, cheerleaders can help one to push beyond perceived limits. in my case, it mainly refers to my love life/relationship status. while most of my support network can listen to me rant and provide advice/commiseration, there isn't much that they can do for me besides that. and honestly, there are certain details (primarily sex-related stuff) that i would find weird even writing here, let alone sharing in person with retired cousin or my professor. quite frankly i don't think they want to hear it either! being straight, the chemistry guys would kind of get the gist of the issue but be unable to offer the best advice. so i'm really grateful for my gay cheerleaders, in the form of my big brother figure and jedi master, who are the only 2 gay guys i feel comfortable baring my soul to. why? i guess it's a combination of no attraction either way between us, and they've been extremely direct with their opinions. they have no reason to lie to me after all, since i don't pay for their time or give them any other benefits when i hear good things from them.

that brings me to revelation 2. jedi master told me that (he thinks) i'm underachieving in both my professional and personal lives. professional: a phd holder still floundering about and looking at jobs that are beneath my level. it feels so uncomfortable typing that out; i wonder if i've got a case of impostor syndrome. personal: settling for the first person who will give me a second look. he says that i'm attractive and to be 100% touch-my-heart honest, i still don't see it. not to the extent he does, anyway. he rated me a 7/10 looks-wise, and interestingly enough, my big brother figure independently rated me a 7 or 8/10. so flattering! it links to something i heard a while back - if you don't find yourself attractive, you're just not your own type. my stumbling block here is my own narrow perspective i guess, assuming that everyone on earth has the same preferences as me. it's something i definitely have to learn to look beyond.

how then, do i remedy these things? for the professional realm, i need to find something that i really want to do. throwback to the ikigai concept/discussion. through my experience thus far, i know that i need something intellectually challenging/stimulating. that's still decently broad. i can narrow it down by applying my interests as a filter. so, what gets me excited? for what would i jump out of bed in the morning? what would i choose to do, even if i wasn't allowed to accept compensation for it? i actually don't know. i do know that i enjoy talking to people and solving problems. i'm aware of this thing called a consultant that seems to do just that, but science-related jobs in consultancies are scarce. i'm also tapping on the government's careers thing, hopefully they may be able to set me up with something, or suggest directions that my career could go in.

you may have been clued in that jedi master suggested i remedy the issue in my personal realm by meeting more people and expanding my perspective. you may not know how exactly he suggested i do it. his plan is for me to go to a gay sauna, with no expectations of anything happening. just sit there by myself for a couple of hours and see if anyone expresses interest. if he is to be believed, i should get hit on a fair bit. personally i don't think it'll happen but scientist me knows there's only one way to test a hypothesis - experimentation! that'll be something for me to plan in the near future. i'm tempted to go as early as tomorrow, since it's leading into the weekend. you know, strike while the iron's hot and all that stuff. the late night out with the guy also messed up my sleep schedule anyway, so why not, right?

strangely, i feel a little angry now. not at anyone in particular, just at the state of affairs that i find myself to be in at this time. or perhaps it's burning motivation? i don't know. on one hand, i feel like i should be able to land a "good" job relatively easily with my qualifications. yet, a part of me says that that is entitled thinking. of course, i'm not expecting a job to fall into my lap just like that, but it would be nice! current experience with the job application process also shows that it won't be likely to happen. i should make better use of the resources available to me, including asking my cousin to help set up a meeting with his search fund contact.

as much as i want to blog about my healthy lifestyle measures so far, this post has gotten too long. not to mention the theme doesn't quite fit. so i'll move that to a post on its own either later tonight or sometime in the near future. brief spoiler/sneak preview: it appears to be working. with what's left of today, i want to get the clothes and bedlinen sorted out. been putting it off for the last 3 days or so.

-random thought of the day: Starting to feel lonely again.-

Do i want to talk about what happened with the guy? maybe a bit, just for record purposes. we met up at bishan, where he was late. i'd proposed a time earlier than our original arranged one, and he acknowledged it but apparently forgot. kept me waiting for about an hour! we then had the famous chicken rice (another craving satisfied!), then went to walk around in J8 and the decathlon in mountbatten. i forgot that i wanted to get a bicycle pump, so that's a task for another day. some...other things happened, and i ended up getting home late. the current understanding is that we're friends (with benefits?) or more, but not dating. he says he needs to date a girl in school because she helps him with schoolwork and is his only pillar of support there. also, she can't accept them being platonic friends - to her, it's either they're dating, or strangers. oh, the drama. can you imagine how far back my eyes rolled when he told me that?

to be fair though, i do see his perspective. love alone can't pay the bills or put food on the table. and being completely dependent on someone else is quite terrifying - at least it is to me. he should do what is best for his future especially since i am not in any position to provide for him, nor would i want to even if i was! in addition to the school thing, he did say that his family would most likely have issues with our age gap. so...it's messy. at least he was fair, in the sense that he didn't ask me to wait for him to sort his life out or not to see anyone else until he was ready. i'm still not going to spend significantly on him; he isn't worth it at this time. but the occasional meal/drink should be ok, i guess.

as of today, i've been back in singapore for a week. do i feel like i've done enough in my time back? not really. i'm still not fully unpacked (or really unpacked at all, actually), and there haven't been many replies coming in for the job search. the good news is that i've lost 1.5kg in 5 days, if the scales are to be trusted. that's the thing though, can they be trusted? kind of hard for me to believe that such sophisticated technology can be available so relatively cheaply. i realize that daily weighing can be a powerful motivator...but that's only because i'm still losing weight. i imagine that the motivation would wane if there were plateaus or upward trends. still have to look into gyms. anytime fitness just sent me an email advertising a discount for returning clients. makes me wonder if they know about my plans! i'll check them out while getting groceries later. gym aside, i want to get some cycling in too. the park connectors seem to be a viable option. just have to find a good time, ie. when it's not blazing hot.

one more social engagement today, which is dinner with jedi master. it's one of those rare stars-align moments that we're both in singapore. well, less rare now that i'm planning to be based in singapore for the foreseeable future. he's apparently still shuttling between singapore and thailand, because of his thai (adopted) son. the last time i saw him was probably in 2019, when the chemistry guys made a stopover on the way to china. if not then it would have to have been december 2018. regardless, i'm looking forward to reconnecting with him, and maybe to pick his brain about how to find dates in singapore without baring too much skin. it should be a fruitful conversation!

before leaving the house in...45 minutes or so, i think i'll make a list of the tasks i still have to do to "properly" set up here. should make full use of my free time now while unemployed to get whatever i can out of the way, and establish good routines.

- find a gym

- change bedding, throw out old stuff

- look through clothes, throw out old stuff

- do general cleanup and rubbish disposal (see a trend here?)

- list stuff to sell on facebook and carousell

- buy a few more things on shopee

- make a few more social engagements

this is excluding the job stuff, like applications and interviews. my first one is next monday, by the way. for the publishing company. not sure if i want it or if they want me, but i'll go in with an open mind.

-random thought of the day: Need to find a job soon!-

Typing on a freshly-cleaned keyboard feels so good! it's been too long since i last cleaned it...the last time was just before JET, i believe. to think that i brought cleaning supplies to japan! guess i got lazy, or it wasn't such a priority. the enter key is still sticking a bit, which makes me think it's a switch problem rather than a grime one. and the rubber non-slip thing on the body of my mouse cracked on the flight back. looks like i'll have to think about replacing both soon. maybe when the cashflow eases up a bit...they're still usable now, after all.

had quite a jam-packed weekend! and friday too, now that i think about it. i had a haircut, then met scary JC friend and a couple of her badminton friends for dim sum at thomson plaza. it's changed so much! also, i was reminded of the importance of being thorough in gathering information. i'd wanted to buy batteries, and saw that valudollar was operating in thomson plaza. so, i made a beeline for it. then when walking to the restaurant, i passed by a daiso. should have gotten batteries at daiso, since they last longer! at least i got a different brand at valudollar vs. the one in poundland, so maybe these ones will last longer.

things with scary jc friend & co. didn't end at dim sum. we then went on to karaoke, after which it was time for dinner, so we ate at the prata house. plaster prata might be my new go-to, instead of egg. the difference is that the egg is wrapped up inside the dough for regular egg prata, while plaster prata has the egg cracked on top of (under?) the prata and fried. something like that. i'm quite impressed at the efficiency; that was 2 food cravings settled in a day! as usual, i had a good time, and i think/hope they did too.

saturday was really packed. had the alumni thing in the morning, which scary JC friend went to also. i heard that my mentor figure there was worried for me while i was in the UK, especially with news of the riots. he was his usual self at the gathering and made no mention of having been worried in front of me, though. well, that's just his character. a few of the seniors there suggested that i look into a specific subset of tuition - last-minute rescues. that involves raising a student's grades (typically from fail to pass, although fail to A would be ideal) in a very short time. and given that it's september now, most kids (or perhaps more accurately, their parents) would be beginning to worry for exam season which is in october. do i want to? honestly, not really. but i do know that if i build a reputation of being able to pull an F to an A in like, 2 weeks, i'll have no shortage of students.

following that, i went over to my cousin's place to give his kids the stuff from the UK. i didn't know that my aunt and uncle would be there along with my older cousin and his kids. it was so noisy. no kids of my own is definitely the way to go. there were the usual little squabbles, including a particularly rough one where one of the kids cried (the vocal kind) non-stop for 15 minutes. makes me wonder if we lose lung capacity as we age. i don't think i could whisper for 15 minutes straight, let alone cry. at the risk of being an armchair parent, there were a few things i saw that i didn't agree with. at the same time, i don't feel like it's my place to criticize/advise on parenting styles especially since i don't have first-hand experience...so i just shut up and observed. but yes. kid-less is the way to go for me. should also write about some things my cousin and i talked about, but that would probably work better in another post.

my last saturday engagement was my big brother figure's 40th birthday celebration. he booked a chalet in downtown east, and i think this was my first time there in over 20 years, if i've ever been there at all. since he said "chalet", i was expecting a bungalow. turns out it was a room in a motel-like complex and a barbeque pit. not ideal to hold about 50 people, but we managed somehow. i'll never understand why he likes such large-scale events. extroverts. still, i'm grateful for the way he is. if not, i'd never have gotten to know him! on another note, i learnt that he's got a cute tenant who apparently is gay too. not going to hope for too much here, just see where things go. it's not like i have the chance to see him very frequently anyway!

yesterday was a bit more subdued. i met the older guy and he bought me lunch at this fancy spanish place in bukit timah. we had octopus, a paella, steak, and meatballs. most of it was good, except that the meatballs were a little tough. if i had to choose a favourite...probably the paella or steak. i liked the mussels in the paella very much, and the steak was cooked to the perfect doneness for us. i personally would have preferred it a little less done, but he wanted it a bit more done because christians have prohibitions against eating blood. i never knew that! we then went for dessert at this japanese-style cake shop in river valley. it's run by a local guy, who i understand is gay as well. apparently, his partner bankrolled the whole thing. guess it's true - the most important decision you make in life is your choice of partner. just entertaining an idle fantasy here, but it would be nice if someone with financial means would see something special in me and want to take care of me. of course, i wouldn't mooch off him completely unless he was rich enough to the point where i couldn't put a dent in his finances even if i tried. and while i'm at it, perhaps i could wish for other impossible things like flying pigs or world peace.

conversation was nice throughout the meeting(?) date(?), interspersed by periods of comfortable silence. he's taller than i thought! i also learnt that his most recent ex of 10 years was a secondary schoolmate of mine. we were in different classes and never interacted, but still the name sounded familiar in my head. how's that for a coincidence!? i wonder if that might put him off considering me as a serious relationship prospect. not that that makes a difference now, because our understanding is that we're just maintaining the current status quo with no expectations. personally, i'm not quite sure that i'd want to date him. it's not the age gap so much as it is certain personality traits of his. he tends to make assumptions based on limited information, which often leads to incorrect conclusions. i suppose that can be overcome with more/better communication, but we'll need time to know each other better and work towards that stage.

quite a recap! it's monday, and the first week of september. i still have a couple more social engagements - meeting the guy later today, and jedi master on wednesday. i'm not sure how the meeting with the guy will go. i'll admit i'm nervous, but i will not let myself be treated with disrespect nor be made use of. as much as i think he's attractive, he's not relationship material at this point. i won't deny that the temptation to try is strong, but is it worth it? logical me doesn't think so. well...similar to the older guy, i can keep this casual. if something happens, then good. if not, that's ok too. some physical interaction would be nice, though.

all that aside, 2 more things i have to do today are to see to my bicycle and send out a package. it's been 70 days, so i expect that there will be a fair amount of dust and stuff on the bike. i also saw a streak of white running down the body, so it probably served as a bird's perch/toilet sometime in the interim. the plan is that i'll go down, do whatever cleaning and fixing that i have to, then leave for bishan at about 3pm, where i'll send the package out at the post office before meeting the guy at 5. better get going!

-random thought of the day: Online shopping is so convenient!-