Came back to lab today to do a few more HPLCs. it's a welcome respite from the house after friday. no, it's nothing ugly. just that my room smells overwhelmingly of talcum powder. worst part is it's on all my clothes, and the smell isn't dissipating even after 2 days. while i'm no bloodhound, my sense of smell is a little bit better than average. having to sleep in there is not a pleasant experience. and that the smell is sticking onto me even as i'm typing this out in my student room is causing me some...discomfort/annoyance/distress. told the date about it, and they were nice and reassuring...although i don't think they know the full extent of it. maybe they'll understand better after smelling what's on me later this evening.

as time goes by, the urge to move out gets stronger. i've said before that i'm not too hard to live with. just don't touch anything i own without first informing me, and leave me to my own devices. that's it. i don't understand what's so difficult about it. yet, people insist on taking things into their own hands. well...i see 3 ways of dealing with this. 1) sucking it up, 2) confronting the problem, 3) moving out. while #3 is the most ideal option, it is also the least feasible right now due to (lack of) finances. that leaves 1 and 2. don't know what will happen, but i definitely won't take this lying down.

right. that's enough negativity for now. focusing on the positives, the date and i had a nice outing yesterday to holland V, for dinner at sanpoutei ramen. i got the spicy ramen, which was ridiculously spicy, even by my standards. i was sweating like mad halfway into the bowl. think it was a mixture of the spice and heat that caused it. the date ordered something red, that turned out to be spicy as well though it wasn't indicated on the menu. i found that to be much more tolerable, and i actually enjoyed it a fair bit. perhaps i should go for that next time. we actually didn't do much for this date. hung around holland V for a while, then went to utown. not exactly the most romantic place, i know, but we wanted a place to sit down and relax. plus, the date's never been, so why not? i find that it's nice to just take it easy sometimes. don't always need to have a date that's full of activity, or with a specific objective, for that matter. my goal is just to spend time with the date.

guess i'll wrap up here. will go check on the HPLC, top up the solvent, then meet the date for dinner.

-random thought of the day: Disgusted by people's refusal to apologize.-

Life has still been good for the past 2 weeks or so without updates here. well, more good than bad, at least. research is coming along slowly, but the progress is at least visible, which is a good sign. i finally have both platinum complexes out! one is being purified by HPLC, which is a long, painful process. ok fine. it's not that painful since almost everything is automated. but it is long. after a total of 3 days and multiple injections, i have under 10 milligrams of the stuff. got a lot more to go, and i'm hoping that i'll end up with enough to finish the dissociation study. with even more luck, the second compound won't need HPLC. its NMR looks good enough, but i'll run it through to be sure.

relationship-wise, it's been mostly good. not perfect, but then again, what is? for these past 2 weeks, we've gone to kallang wave mall for our saturday dates. i must say, despite knowing that the SJF building is nearby, i've never really gone to that side of kallang. closest would have been to the macdonalds, with my friends from chemistry, or to kallang leisure park sometime last year for bowling. the date said that the mall itself was reminiscent of JEM, as many shops have branches in both locations. the exterior is vastly different, though. the entire place is situated along the kallang river, which makes for great scenery and has that peaceful, idyllic feeling in the air that somehow exists only in the east. we had cheese steak sandwiches for dinner the first time (pretty good, but slightly overpriced), while i cooked kimchi carbonara pasta the next time we went. i'm getting pretty good at that dish, if i do say so myself. won't win any awards anytime soon, but what matters is that the date likes it.

while i believe that bad things should be quickly settled and forgotten in a relationship, i do want to mention something that transpired last saturday. we had finished the pasta and were walking around the mall, making some light conversation. somehow, the topic of travel came up, and i mentioned to the date that both of us should go on an overseas trip someday. the date was reluctant, and mentioned that their ex had suggested that they go to taiwan, but that didn't materialize in their 7-month relationship. i responded by saying, "well, it's different now", with the connotation meaning that i'm a different person, it's a different relationship. unfortunately, the date chose to respond by saying something along the line of, "yes it's different, you're not my boyfriend". while i don't think i reacted on the outside, inside i was like "YES, I KNOW". if you've seen the gif file where hades' (from disney's hercules) head explodes into orange flames when he gets annoyed, you'll know about how i felt. of course, the date is right. technically, we're not official. but i didn't see how that response was warranted. being on the receiving end of that was rather hurtful. to their credit, i think the date did try to salvage the situation by making a joke, and then by saying that travelling together could make or break a couple, and we weren't at that stage yet, which i agreed with. i wasn't about to suggest hopping on the next plane out. still...while that didn't ruin the date, it made it much less perfect.

i do wonder sometimes, are we going anywhere with this? we both started dating with the intention of finding someone else and getting into a relationship. i understand it takes time, but how much time, exactly? i think it would be rather ridiculous if we were still at this dating-but-not-official status 5 years later. although i do wonder...where does the date see this going? the fact that we are still dating shows me that they think there's hope. unless they're devious enough to string me along for material gains or whatever, which i doubt. i've often said that nobody in their right mind would fight a losing battle. and yet, conflicts have winners and losers. perhaps i should refine that statement a bit, and say, "nobody fights a battle that they think they will lose". the odds could be stacked a mountain high against a person, but if they thought that they could win, it wouldn't matter. so logically, if the date didn't see potential, they would (or should) cut and run. that hasn't happened yet. one rationalization could be that the date needs more time. that is fine and well. it's odd that i can't reconcile these two points: these things shouldn't be rushed, but these things shouldn't be dragged either. the middle ground is probably agreeing on the length of time.

one sneaky suspicion i have is that the date is trying to change me to fit their image of an ideal partner. i guess that ok, up to a point. certain bad habits should be corrected. i just wonder if using relationship as the motivation (or lack of relationship as the punishment) is the right way to go. i don't think it should be something like "i'll get together with you only if you achieve the following". that's a bit too transactional for me. might be me being idealistic or romantic, i guess, but i believe you should love someone for who they are, not how well they can conform to your idealized image. but well, if it turns out that the date is using getting into a relationship as a prize, i will have to reconsider whether dating them is worth it. as was the case with judo, things only matter to us because we believe they matter. and if someone isn't willing to change, nothing on earth can force them. not even the prospect of a relationship.

counselling! had meant to update on that last time. so far i've went for 2 sessions already. truth be told, it doesn't feel much different from having a chat with a friend. one of my actual friends from secondary school (who has been to counselling and who might have had some counsellor training) says that counsellors try to build rapport quickly and establish a sense of security/safety with their...subjects? clients? patients? let's use "people they see". i guess that a sense of comfort helps when you're about to spill your deepest darkest secrets. nothing that deep and dark on my end, thankfully. the first session was us getting to know each other and establishing that rapport and trust, and talking a bit about why i came in voluntarily. during the second session this past tuesday, we talked a bit more about my anger issues and issues with the date. basically the whole magic thing, and some of our past arguments. good news is that the counsellor says that i am fairly normal. just that perhaps i have to watch my words and actions a bit more, and communicate more effectively with the date. i thought i was watching myself more than normal already, but it seems that that wasn't enough. as for communication...it's easy enough when things are good, not so much when there's a turn for the worse. well, there's still 6 more sessions to go, so i guess there'll be plenty of time to explore these feelings and see what develops.

-random thought of the day: We ALWAYS have a choice.-