Week 3 of computer-lorry syndrome is about to start, and let me tell you, it's not fun. partially due to my computer dying, and partially due to some other factors, i'm still leaving lab in the early morning most days. sucks, but i think things should get better after this coming week.
now more than ever, i'm convinced that blogging is a very effective way for me to destress. as you can see, i haven't been blogging that often recently. perhaps it's murphy's law or some cosmic joke, but it seems that more negative stuff has happened in this past 2 weeks as opposed to when my computer was alive, ie. when i could blog more regularly.
firstly, my professor has his crosshairs on me again. admittedly, it's because he hasn't seen me around in lab recently. and here's the thing that somewhat annoys me. the reason he hasn't seen much of me is because i come in late, plus i took a few days off last week to cover for SJI/CJC and to referee (elaboration will come later). ordinarily, this wouldn't be a problem, because he comes in like 3 days a week. guess he's busier due to his promotion or something, because he's been coming every day recently. so, he hasn't been seeing me around that much these few weeks, and so he got concerned. i think it's kind of...unfair, for lack of a better word. all my professor sees is that i'm not around. he doesn't see that i burn weekends and stay late nights just to make up for the time off. in fact, i'm writing this post from school in the lull time between reactions. i don't exactly blame him, because i know that his intentions are good. but i think it would be nice if he asked whether i'd been working extra and not just assume that i'm slacking.
another thing is actually kind of linked to why he was looking for me in the first place. he wanted me to go down to a*star to pick up some chemicals. can you guess why he would ask me, of all the 10 grad students in lab? because i have a car. i am really really starting to think that it was a mistake to let him know about it. of course, he always says that i'm not obligated to do it. in spite of that, i can't really refuse, can i? refusing a request from your superior is kind of not socially acceptable.
my professor also has this kind-of annoying habit of comparing me with the grad student who came in at the same time. he often says how vastly different our progress and attitudes are. can't really argue the attitude part, but as for the progress part, i think my professor forgets that i have a life...more so than the other guy, at any rate. not that the other guy isn't hardworking or anything, but it's just that he can spend practically all his time in lab! i mean, i grew up in singapore. i have a wider circle of friends here, not to mention other activities due to these associations, like national team judo and cat high alumni, to name 2. i've thrown away the weekly cat high alumni gathering, as well as going for SJI/CJC judo training already, and yet he still thinks i have too many CCAs and am living like an honours student. i guess if i went abroad to study, i could be married to my fume hood and come to lab 7 days a week too. but i'm studying in singapore, so that's a bit the very impossible. and have i mentioned that i have 3 extra positions in the research group? safety lead, (half of) chemical purchasing, and IT. the other guy has...nothing. so, yes. i think that kind of speaks for itself.
you know, it seems that people from different areas want my full commitment...like my professor expects me to be in lab 6 days a week, some of the national team people were telling me to show face at national training...it's getting annoying. seems like i can't win either way. maybe i'm not cut out for this. that's actually a thought that's been floating around in and out of my head throughout the past week. maybe i just can't sell my soul for the degree. or maybe the passion for chemistry is dying off. don't get me wrong, i don't regret my bachelor's degree. in fact, i don't think there's another subject that i'd rather have studied in university as an undergrad. i think the main reasons i'm feeling this way is because (1) it's organic chemistry, where long hours in lab are somewhat unavoidable, and (2) success hasn't been easy or frequent recently. goodness knows i'd be singing a different tune if i managed to get published by now.
i often wonder about this following point. telling people your problems/sacrifices sounds kind of whiny. like, my professor doesn't see me burn sundays, and telling him makes it look like i'm being defensive. similarly, the referee director probably doesn't need to know that i'll be refereeing on almost zero sleep, and i probably don't have to tell him (unless i mess up big-time on a call). but at the same time, it just feels like, "hey, i did all this and i want to tell everyone how tough i've had it!" if you keep these sacrifices to yourself, it just doesn't seem...fair? right? or maybe that's just attention/recognition-seeking, like you want someone to acknowledge that you went above and beyond for them.
speaking about refereeing, i've refereed 1 day so far, which was wednesday. on monday, i was originally scheduled to referee, but ended up coaching in the end. it was a similar experience to bowling coaching, and yet, quite different at the same time. similarities include coaching almost-beginners, the mental fatigue (less so for judo though), and the same feeling of nerves. oddly, i think things went better for judo in general. might be because i know the rules and the technical aspect better, and also maybe because i was the head coach (well, the only coach) for the day and could do things my way. not that i have major problems with my bowling head coach, but i think i would do some things differently from him. i was coaching the C-division, and they got joint third. not too shabby. the thing that kind of bugged me was their performance in the semi-final match, against HCI (who went on to be eventual champions). think it was the fear/intimidation factor when they were fighting, because all their attacks looked weaker than usual. either that, or the HCI kids are just too damned strong. don't know which it is, but i really thought that they stood a chance before the match. well...at least i didn't let the kids or the school down with that placing.
on the other hand, CJC didn't do as well. they got 4th...out of 4 schools. too bad they only woke up and started fighting aggressively mid-way into the 3rd/4th placing match, by which time it was kind of too late. but well...my expectations weren't too high here, thankfully. guess we'll see if there's a chance they can improve next year.
refereeing was...nerve-wracking. new IJF rules means that we have to somewhat change style. shidos are given more often, which is supposed to help promote active, dynamic judo. unfortunately, it also has the side-effect of pissing the coaches off. i think i did decently...tried to sharpen up my gestures and increase my moving speed, which were my 2 biggest pieces of feedback from previous events. thankfully i had a supportive referee director and a solid refereeing team. really helps to boost the confidence.
after the refereeing on wednesday, someone told me that he overheard 2 C-division boys from a certain school saying how i was unfair to their school because i'm holding a grudge against their coach, and that their school lost a match because of me. this elicited several emotions from me, first of which being surprise (assuming that it's true, of course). let me reiterate that they are C-division. that means that they are sec 2, tops. that, in turn, means that they have been with the school's judo team for 1 year 4 months at MOST. given that the schools are quite separate from the SJF, how on earth would they have known that? makes me think someone is spreading half-truths and/or rumours. i have my guesses as to who, but not going to say anything in case i'm wrong.
the next emotion to surface was anger/offense. i have major issues with that statement (once again, assuming this is true). as a referee, i believe that i'm professional enough to call matches fairly. do i stand to gain by making a particular school lose? also, the fact that someone would even accuse me of acting in an unfair manner without knowing me personally is already bad enough. i think that if you ask other referees, none of them would say that i'm unfair, because we have to have some basic standards, and fairness is one of them. so i really wonder who these kids are, and goodness help them if they say it when i am within earshot.
i've blogged about this next bit before, but just thought i'd say it again. in times like these when the negative feelings become almost too much to take, i wish that i could lean on someone for mental/emotional (and sometimes physical) support. unfortunately, nobody seems to fit the bill. sucks to have friends, good friends, close friends, but no close-enough friends. yes i know it's confusing. and it's not like i'm pushing people away! just that the right person hasn't shown up yet. or if they have, i'm just too blind to see them. the feeling sucks, though...it's like i'm alone vs. a mountain of stuff. or maybe it's just my personality? i'm fine with others leaning on me, but i feel weird leaning on others unless i know them super super well. hope someone comes along soon.
seems like this past week hasn't been going all that well for a number of people either...of all the coincidences, my cousin wrote about not feeling good on her blog as well. don't know why i'm mentioning this actually...maybe there's some empath-type thing going on? or it could just be sheer coincidence, which is actually more likely.
well, it's approaching 6:40am. achievement unlocked: stay overnight in NUS. have to check on a reaction and set up some other stuff before i can go for refereeing with a clear conscience/mind. also must do the japanese homework. with any luck, i'll get everything done by 8:00am, and have time for a quick power nap.
-random thought of the day: Going to see my first sunrise in school!-
