Everything is settling into a new equilibrium, and i'm slowly adjusting to it. surprisingly, things seem to be going well on all fronts, which while nice, oddly kind of raises my suspicions. i believe that i'm a pretty lucky guy in general, but this borders on ridiculous. for starters, research has been quite smooth-sailing for the past 2 weeks. i've got 2 new compounds and am waiting to test them for purity. might even be able to grow a crystal, which would be really nice. hopefully this will be sufficient for the QE presentation in 3 months' time.

interactions with the date have also stabilized, in the sense that we're enjoying our time together. then again, i can't exactly speak for them, so pinch of salt required. after the one-week dating hiatus, we went out twice over the long weekend - to the funfair/carnival near MBS on good friday, and then to gardens by the bay for the sakura exhibition on the next day. the funfair was rather standard, i guess. i tried my hand at some of the carnival games (which i know are rigged, but still...). didn't manage to win anything except a consolation "thanks for playing"-type prize - a mini snowman from frozen. no, not olaf. one of those other ones that appeared in the short movie called frozen fever. the date was happy with it, so that's all that mattered, i guess.

been to the gym every morning this week so far, which is a grand total of 2 mornings. baby steps, celebrate small milestones, right? the plan is to go tomorrow as well, then break on thursday because of morning NMR training in school, finished off with a session on either friday or saturday. maybe both? don't know yet. we'll see how hardworking i feel then. over the past week and a bit, i've decided to step up the fitness regimen a bit. in addition to the gym sessions, i'm also going to do interval cycling. on a stationary bicycle, that is. the gym happens to have one of those, and i figured that i might as well use it. the coach recommended that i try to hit 500m in 45s, which is like 11.something metres per second. yesterday was my first time trying it, and i took 50s for a speed of exactly 10m/s. improved 2s today to 48s, which while not much different, is an improvement nonetheless. what i didn't realize is that you have to pedal hard from the get-go. no warm-up phase at all. there are a couple of goals: increase the number of sets, and decrease time for each set. all in good time.

sometime earlier this year, my chemical engineer cousin blogged how she bought a fitbit, and was using it to track the number of steps she walked. i was rather intrigued, and went to read up on it. was half contemplating getting one myself, but playing around with my phone's s health app showed that my phone was capable of functioning as a pedometer. on top of that, it can also take my heart rate and blood oxygen level via a red light/optical sensor near the camera flash. seriously. how high-tech and cool is that!? been messing around with it, getting some readings and trying to form a picture of how my body performs, i guess. for now, i just set an arbitrary goal of 10000 steps, because that's the standard for people to maintain a healthy lifestyle. if my gym workouts are factored in, i don't think i'll need 10000 steps on gym days. also, i realized how difficult it is to hit 1000 steps. walking from the SRC car park to lab, then to and from UHC, then from lab back to SRC, plus miscellaneous steps like walking to and from lunch, all added up to around 5800 steps. that's like 58% of the goal. seems that i need to find lots more ways to get some more steps in.

will end the post here for now. have to blog about counselling soon, but i'll save that for next time.

-random thought of the day: Mildly worried about honours presentations.-

Since there was no date scheduled for yesterday, i sent the car in for servicing, and took the opportunity to catch up with my car enthusiast friend at the same time. the servicing was a little (like 1.3 times) more expensive than i'd thought it would be, since the nice mechanic recommended that i change the battery. the battery had been in use for 2 years and some months, and he thought that it might be time for a change. might as well, since i didn't want to risk the car dying on me at some inopportune time. thankfully, the whole duration was much shorter than the first time, at less than 3 hours total vs. around 5 hours the first time. the trick is to call for an appointment in advance, and let them know in advance if there's a time limit.

in the downtime for servicing, we went for lunch and had a nice talk. since he's trained in psychology, i sought his opinion on the whole magic thing, and by extension, the whole situation with the date. he says that both of us are right, in different ways. the date was right to play by the book, and i was right to be upset after the loss. the way in which this upset-ness was expressed could be improved, but he saw my point that being nice to newbies was important in sustaining interest. we also talked about the whole situation in general, and he gave me some advice, which sounded quite harsh. basically, he wasn't entirely sure that the date and i are a good fit, namely because it seems like the date is less willing to give in to me or see things from my perspective than i am willing to give in to them and see things from their perspective. he also called me out on making excuses for the date's behaviour, which i can't exactly refute. i believe the impression he gets is like i'm trying to make an improbable relationship work. perhaps i'm still deluded, or too heavily involved to see things objectively, but i don't think the odds are as bad as he thinks. to be fair, i know that things aren't perfect, and there are plenty of things that can be improved. they can be worked on in due time, i guess.

as for things with the date, we had dinner and a heart-to-heart this past thursday evening. we talked about how and why things went down, and i think we understood each other better after that. so basically, we've made up already, which is nice. we didn't have a date yesterday due to other reasons that i can't exactly reveal here. infringes the date's privacy. but i do know why, and i fully understand and accept it. funny thing is that even after the talk, i do feel an increase in the (emotional) distance between us. there are 2 possibilities: (1) the distance did grow a bit after the incident, and/or (2) this incident has calibrated my perceived distance closer to the actual distance, which is further than i thought. i'm more inclined to believe it's a mixture of both, but significantly more of #2 than #1. regardless, i am still certain that time and effort can make things better.

one good thing that came out of our talk is that we're clearer on each other's needs, wants, and expectations. i suppose that i should remind myself that the date is not me, and does not necessarily express love and affection the way i do, and may not appreciate/like my methods of doing so too much. so, i'll have to watch myself a bit more, and not do anything that might make the date too uncomfortable. reality check again. on the topic of perceived and real distances, the date said that on a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being the most willing), their willingness to get in an official relationship with me is a 3. for that same question, i was averaging a 6 or 7. so you can see how large the discrepancy was. but now knowing how the date feels, i can better tune my expectations and stuff so that we are more aligned. it also means that my plan of asking them by june has to undergo major readjustment.

long story short, i think i have to adopt a more casual approach. not casual in the sense like seeing other people at the same time, or treating the date any worse. rather, i mean casual like not treating the date as the centre of my universe, and not being too dependent on them or their approval. while i do admit that receiving their approval and affection feels really good, the fact remains that despite my best efforts, this relationship may still fail. all i can do is do my best, and see how things go. as a reminder to myself, my friend told me to have a cutoff date, like a certain date by which if the date doesn't agree to get together, i should move on to avoid being strung along. i can see the logic in this. at the same time, i don't want to force the date into anything. i guess the compromise is on the length of time. my current idea is by our first dating anniversary, but that may be subject to change. that's still about 8 months away, so i won't worry about it too much right now.

-random thought of the day: Friends forgive each other...eventually.-

Not even a day has passed since the last post (where i resolved to do what i can until our next meeting), and i'm already wondering whether hanging myself might be a less painful alternative. my stupid brain keeps running the scenario over and over, showing me mistakes that i made, possible alternatives, and worst of all, the best-case scenario where we finished the game and proceeded with our original plan for the day. the only time i managed to successfully redirect the negativity was this morning, at gym. found myself pushing even harder than normal. might regret that tomorrow or later, when the aches set in.

it's so weird. ordinarily, people have several expectations of their ideal person, in terms of wealth, health, social standing, intelligence, looks, personality, whatever. when we meet someone whom we end up liking (and more importantly, who likes us back), we realize that we're ok if the person falls short in a few categories. and if you're like me right now, thinking that you're on the verge of no longer seeing each other, you suddenly realize that you'll be willing to compromise on almost everything, standards be damned. thinking about my interaction with the date(?), i'm starting to wonder if i've been way more selfish than i thought. it's always unpleasant to discover faults and flaws that you think you didn't have, or had already overcome.

an article i read the other day says that the main cause of conflict in any relationship is mismatched expectations. i'd like to add on to that and say that the main reason that couples break up is because these mismatches weren't communicated across properly, and if they were, a compromise couldn't be reached, hence another mismatch. tying this to the earlier point about low (or no) standards in the face of an imminent breakup, i'm thinking that it extends to values as well. if the date(?) wants me to not hold them to their word, i might be able to do that. of course, the corresponding tradeoff would be increased suspicion on my end. but as long as they remain open and transparent where it counts, i think i can handle it.

how can emotional problems physically mess with a person? ever since the argument, i've been experiencing greater fatigue, diminished appetite, general listlessness, and this aching feeling in my chest. on the "bright" side, i'm eating less, so there's an inbuilt diet plan in there somewhere. my mind is plagued by all sorts of things, which i haven't had much luck dispelling, as mentioned above. worst of all, a small part of my mind is still fixated on magic. not to beat the date(?), but to understand all the mechanics and strategies. i seriously think this is how drug users feel their addictions and withdrawal symptoms. despite KNOWING that it would be bad for them, they still want to go back for another dose. well, i do have control over at least this part of my life, so i'm not going to knowingly jump into the abyss.

my friends are a bit more optimistic than i am (those who read here and/or know the situation). they think that the fact that the channel of communication has remained open is already a big plus point. i do too. nevertheless, i can't help but imagine the worst. regardless, as i was telling myself this morning, during the walk from the car to the bus stop (didn't get science season parking this semester), if the road seems too long or too steep to handle, i can and should just focus on each next step. that's something i can do with relative ease. it's a bit like army, i guess. 2 years seemed like forever at the point of enlistment. then days became weeks, weeks became months, and 24 months became 2 years. i'm pretty convinced that the road isn't as long in this case, so i should be able to manage it somehow.

-random thought of the day: Nothing worth having comes easy.-

*DISCLAIMER: kindly refrain from judging me too hard, and know that i feel horrible about what happnend myself. also, this post will likely be long and rambling, not to mention 95% negative. read at your own risk, if you're still so inclined.*

where do i even begin? i feel like a moron. as my last post may have clued you in on, this round of magic didn't go well at all. the fact that i lost aside, it's the manner in which i reacted that was the real problem. things were going well, i was down some life, but still holding my own. then the date used a card that destroyed all my creatures. naturally, being defenseless, i knew that it was game over. so, i very smartly conceded, picked up my cards, and threw them away. yes, it's childish, stupid, and a million other things besides. what's worse is that i had clean forgotten that we were to play best 2 of 3. understandably, the date got mad, called me a sore loser, and left me there.

yes, i know i deserved that. i probably deserved worse. it kills me, that my emotions got the better of me like that. i called my JC best friend almost immediately after the whole thing went down, and he told me in no uncertain terms that i was a sore loser, a moron, an idiot, and several other things besides. sometimes, we need friends who aren't shy to tell us the truth when we need to hear it. i then went over to his place, and we continued our conversation until about 9:30pm. i then went home and basically tried to occupy myself until the date replied to an earlier request, saying that it was ok to call. we talked for about another hour, and i think i made them angry again. go me, right? two for two. fortunately for me, the date's still been responsive to whatsapps today, although the volume is somewhat diminished, and the atmosphere is heavy. right now, i'm uncertain what's going through the date's mind. they could be seriously considering giving up, or they could be waiting for me to sort myself out.

it's kind of nerve-wracking, to be uncertain of things. for things like outcome of a reaction, or date of appointment, they're less stressing because certainty can be obtained easily enough. also because they don't mean as much to me as this does. i've been feeling jittery for most of today, and there's this massive confusion building in my chest, but we'll get to that later. i have never wanted to rewind time more in my life. not even when i got C5 for chinese o-levels, or C for A-level maths, or injuring my knees, or during the car accident in 2011 (gosh, has it been 5 years since then?). that shows me that the date is more important than any of those things, and perhaps even all of them combined.

after even more conversation, there are 2 key outcomes: (1) our relationship status is in jeopardy. (2) i'm getting counselling for anger management. the date(?) feels uncertain about our compatibility, and has adopted a "wait and see" approach. i don't even know how to react. if there's one thing i learnt, pushing too much will lead to a negative outcome. so the game plan for now is focusing on fixing the issues that the date(?) has with me, and to see how things go from there. it's all i can do, really.

going for counselling has crossed my mind before, although not for anger issues. also, i'd always blog and then realize that i would be ok and could come up with a solution if i used the post to analyze my problems. but now...this may be something out of my depth. ok. to be honest, i think it's up for debate whether i have anger issues. for most things in my life, i can let disappointment go rather easily. like, if research fails, i'll be bummed for a while, but eventually get myself together to try a new synthesis route. if i play pool with my friend and he beats me 7 balls to 0, we'll laugh about it and set for the next game. even in video games like street fighter, i'll just shrug a loss off and continue. so why is it that magic brings out this horrible side of me, a side which i'd thought i'd overcome and stomped out some time back? my friend and i have a couple of ideas. firstly, it could be that the game and i just don't click. i don't like its mechanics, i hate being interrupted, and i'm just not good at it, i guess. secondly, it could be because i was trying too hard to impress the date(?). perhaps i wanted to beat them, to show that i was smart, a fast learner, that i was at least a match for them. and look how splendidly that backfired.

but anyway. counselling. i'm not ashamed to admit that i may need help. after all, the brain is an organ, and organs may malfunction from time to time. life is a constant journey to better oneself, anyway. if this behaviour is bad, i should look into getting it fixed. i'd just thought that the process would be a lot faster! i went down to UHC today for a walk-in, half expecting to get an appointment today itself. instead, i found out that they're booked solid for the next 2 weeks, and the first available appointment is at the end of the month. perhaps i have the wrong perception, but i kind of think that counselling is like consulting a doctor. like, the counsellor should be readily available, we talk, there's an action plan, problem solved. granted, more than one visit may be necessary, like taking a course of medication, but all in all, it should be relatively smooth-sailing. i wonder how much reality will differ from my expectations.

one more shocking thing i found out was how expensive some counselling services are! as i was rather reluctant to wait the 2 weeks, i looked for other alternatives in the form of external companies. my search turned up a few places, all of which charge around $150 per hour. that's $2.50 a minute! i didn't charge that much for tuition! but well, they are professionals, and listening to someone else's problems should be about as enjoyable as cleaning up a silicon oil spill. i guess that if the UHC people prove to be not as effective as i'd hoped, or if the wait is too long to bear, i'll have to fork out some money for a more satisfactory solution.

right now, i'm seriously not in the right frame of mind for anything too complicated. i'm not really looking forward to going in to lab tomorrow, but i have to because of group meeting on wednesday. need to prepare my slides. i'm constantly wondering, is this the end? it's not like i'm unwilling to consider their point of view and accept a change. and to be honest again, they have some thought processes which i find lack logic and coherent thought. nevertheless, i'm at least willing to work with it, if not accept it outright. but no use dwelling on that now, is it? let's focus on things i can do. get help. work on myself and make myself a better person. as for the date(?), i don't know any more. feels like i'm even less able to fathom the depths of their mind right now.

there's not much i want to do now...perhaps curl into a ball in bed and spend the next few days there. would that i had that luxury. instead, life will go on as normally as i can get it to go, with the same few daily messages to the date(?), namely good morning, lunch, after work, and good night. hopefully there'll be a greater semblance of normalcy on thursday, provided that we're still on for dinner. for now, i'll have to change what i can, and leave the rest to fate.

-random thought of the day: Spelling "SOCKS" in English means "That is what it is" in Spanish.-

Paradoxically, i'm not in much of a blogging mood, yet i have things to get out of my system. long story short for now, i screwed up. and on the topic of screw, screw magic. with a 10-foot pole. upside down. until it bleeds. repeatedly. i wash my hands off that game. it's brought me more misery and negativity than happiness. i'll definitely have to blog about it eventually, but not yet. i'm far too tired and my brain isn't working properly. have to recharge, process, evaluate, before i do anything else.

-random thought of the day: What a difference a day makes.-

Talking to a mentor-figure last night has made me think about recent events and the relationship even more. i am particularly fortunate to have made this person's acquaintance, as he somehow understands the problems which i'm facing. might be due to his previous life experience, or just that he's able to empathize and provide a balanced perspective. whatever it is, i'm extremely grateful that he was willing to take some time out for me.

the message that he gave me was that change can't be forced in other people. i mean, it can, but ultimately the other person won't be happy unless they recognize the need for change, and also want to change themselves. so although i find that the date's behaviour isn't exactly kind or right in my view, i can't force them to change it. rather, my energy would be better focused on changing my own perspective and attitude. and i guess if the date comes round to seeing my point of view, the change will happen even without me having to ask.

on that note about changing my own perspective and attitude, i wonder. can all values be compromised? upon looking back on the december incident, i realized that the main reason i refused to back down was because the date directly and knowingly challenged my values. and perhaps pride or hard-headedness got the better of me. you see, there are times when i'll deliberately go against what others say, even though it may be tougher, less smart, less economical...just to prove that i can. only that in this case, i couldn't, i guess. but back to the main point, i think that i should learn to look beyond the situation at the moment. after all, i keep saying that the date is special to me...so i should make sure my actions echo my words, both in the good times and the bad.

so how can i change my perspective here? i guess that i'm still holding on to the negative feeling of being treated thusly by the date. to be more specific, it's disbelief, incomprehension, and some frustration. the only thing i can do for myself is to let go of these feelings. and how can i do that? beating the date soundly at their own game this sunday would probably help, though i'm not counting on that happening. i suppose i have to remind myself that aside from this one isolated instance where a card game was involved, there have been many other occasions where the date has demonstrated their caring nature, both in games and in real life. i think seeing them tomorrow might help, too.

another thing that the nice mentor figure shared with me is that love is acceptance of the other person, flaws and all. my chemical engineer cousin also said something to that effect before when telling me about her husband. if i'm going to proclaim love for the date, i should remember that it applies at all times, regardless of whether we just had a nice romantic dinner, or whether we've just had the worst argument of our lives. i can't love someone when things are going well, then un-love them at the first sign of trouble or conflict. granted, this time the conflict was brought about on purpose, so it should be even less serious.

ultimately, i won't lose much if i give up on magic. my experience with judo has taught me that things come and go. even if you think you'll be in it for life, sometimes circumstances change, and letting the thing go becomes the best thing you can possibly do. that's not saying that you shouldn't fight for things that are precious to you, but when you've fought tooth and nail, beyond the point of exhaustion, beyond all rationality, giving up might just be easier and less painful. i'm nowhere near that stage as far as magic is concerned, but if i see the potential for serious conflict between us, i should stop before it's too late.

well, i shouldn't take this personally. the root cause of conflict was differences in expectations, and now that we're on more similar pages (not quite the same page yet), it's easier to understand the date's motivations and actions. and i have to remind myself once again that while i can't control either of those things, i can control my reaction as these things happen. it won't be easy, but i should put things in perspective. will need tons of understanding and patience, most definitely. luck, too, if i'm to win at magic. feel free to send some my way if you have extra!

-random thought of the day: Ups and downs are normal.-

Given enough time, i realize that i can deal with almost anything. of course, the exact length of "enough time" differs with various scenarios, and also depends on who's involved. for this latest magic (card game) episode with the date, i needed about a day to properly articulate my feelings and reach a resolution within myself.

let's start with a recap of the facts:
- i played 2 rounds of magic with the date this past saturday. it was my first time playing, ever.
- we each won a match, and i expressed my dislike for their playing style.
- we played again on sunday, which was my third game ever.
- they proceeded to use a legal exploit to basically prevent me from doing anything, resulting in a horrible loss.
- before the exploit, i had a chance to prevent it. they gave me a hint, but i saw a different perspective and didn't do as they suggested.

i believe i didn't really mention the last point previously. you see, there was a card which i could have used to kill their commander (which had the ability that made the exploit possible). that same card has the secondary effect of giving its target a rather powerful (to me) creature. my thinking was that i could kill of something not-so necessary of my own, and use the creature to attack and delay, perhaps gaining a turn's advantage. well, i was wrong. the date later told me that had i followed their suggestion and destroyed their commander, they couldn't do anything even with the creature on their side. so i would have gained an even bigger advantage had i killed the commander. of course it makes sense when explained to me. how was i supposed to know it at that time? but fine, the mistake is mine, and the date did try to warn me. i accept responsibility for that part.

sorting out my thoughts has allowed me to pinpoint exactly what i wanted to say, and helped me to identify what exactly was bothering me. it's not that i lost. given our vast difference in experience, winning is a bonus. the thing that bothered me was that the date was unkind, and i told them as much. bearing in mind that i'm a newbie, tying my hands down (figuratively) and only allowing me to watch myself die was not nice. it's an extreme turn-off for me, because watching myself die helplessly is not my idea of fun.

let's imagine the reverse scenario. the date comes to learn judo. i teach breakfalls, basic sparring rules, and a couple of techniques which i think best suits their build. then, we spar. once the match begins, i throw non-stop. so from the date's perspective, it's like get thrown, stand up. get thrown, stand up. maybe try to execute a technique, get thrown as a counter. sparring matches normally last 2 to 3 minutes. i would bet my bottom dollar that anyone subjected to that kind of borderline abuse would give up after 30 seconds. although the hurt isn't physical in magic, the emotional damage is no less significant. and to draw an analogy to the date telling me that they could have done worse, and that there were even more troll players out there, i could say that i could have thrown at twice the speed, and that olympic champions would have not gone easy at all. no doubt they are both true statements, but neither of them do anything to relieve the damage that's already been done.

to be fair to the date, they did give me a chance to break the chain. only that i misused it. up till here, i am still fine with things. it's how the date reacted to that that i have slight issues with. during our conversation yesterday, the date said that they trapped me in the exploit in order to show me how costly that mistake was, and that perhaps i should take their advice more seriously next time. i don't know...that second part sounds like a power play. regardless, that's not the most pressing issue. to me, the main issue is i felt that the date took the lesson too far. maybe trap me for a couple of turns, then give chance. that's how i would have done it. because ultimately, i am playing against someone i care about, have feelings for, and who is important to me. i would not want to see them unhappy. but at the same time, i agree that actions have consequences, and people have to learn those consequences...which is why i would do it for a couple of turns and then go back to normal. same for judo. i would encourage the newbies, and if they were putting in sufficient effort, i would allow their throw to work. it's part of encouraging people and maintaining their interest. i guess the date thought that normal play could resume in the next game...but there wasn't to be a next game, because i was already so turned off by the whole experience. and it seems that although the date does care for me and see me as someone special, the gloves are off when it comes to competition. there's nothing illegal or immoral or unethical about that mindset. it's just different from mine, which is why i'm having no small amount of difficulty understanding and accepting it. but well, i figure if that's the way the date wants to play, i can (and should!) step up my game too. newton's third law again.

all in all, i think that this whole thing happened as a result of imbalance - in playing experience, skill level, knowledge, and most of all, in expectations. one thing i told the date, and which they agreed, was that perhaps my coaching experience played a role in my mentality of engaging people in a hobby. i face frightened/reluctant beginners on a far more regular basis than the date (who admits i'm the first newbie that they've taught), so i have higher awareness towards making my teaching easily understood and non-intimidating. this is where i have to learn that when faced with an opponent of a higher level, making them feel comfortable should not be on my priority list at all. rather, i should be focused on playing to the best of my ability.

at the end of everything, we reached a resolution. somewhat paradoxically, it involves even more magic. you see, losing in this fashion to the date has left a somewhat bitter taste in my mouth, made worse by the fact that i could have remedied it. so, i figure that overcoming that strategy will undo the knot in my heart, to borrow a chinese saying. and since i don't have any cards, the date has agreed to let me proxy everything. that means i can basically print out any card i want to use. it's illegal in most other settings, of course, but i figured that this was the best solution since i didn't have to splurge on real cards, which also means that i am not obligated to get my money's worth by continuing to play. what's even better is that the date isn't going to help make my deck, so they have no idea what i'll be putting inside. i think the fact that they knew what cards i might have had in my hand at any time also gave them a not-small advantage. we're tentatively set for this coming sunday, best 2 of 3. at this point, i have to remind myself that i can't expect the date to let me win. and although winning would be very nice, and provide validation of my ability, my main goal is to prove to myself that i can expect the unexpected, maintain my composure when bad things happen, and look for an opportunity to regroup. it's actually more of a battle within myself, with the date serving as a conduit, i guess.

to sum things up, it's not easy learning about your own shortcomings. nevertheless, i think this'll make me a better person. hopefully the date takes my feedback into account too, though based on their character, i wouldn't bet my life on it. it seems strange. in december, the date asked me why i couldn't make an exception to my principles in order to make them happy. i suppose i could fire the same question back at them. why couldn't they break their own rule or go against their values and go out of their way to give concession, knowing that by doing so, it would not only boost my confidence, but also make me happy and more receptive to the game? but that wouldn't be of much use. as i said then, it's my values, and i shouldn't be forced to choose between them and the date. the same applies here. perhaps i should have given in that time, just for the moral high ground in future events, like this scenario. but nah. a relationship isn't a war. no point formulating strategies just to gain the upper hand over your partner, right? ...unless it's magic.

well...this won't break the relationship, i think. that's the most important thing. as i've told the date, my starting point in and approach towards addressing this issue is one of learning and making each other better people. at the end of the day, magic is but one (rather small) facet of our entire interaction. if it doesn't work out, we still have lots of stuff to fall back upon, and even more stuff that we are both unfamiliar with, and can pick up together. though for the sake of both our happinesses, i definitely think we should do more co-op stuff than competing against each other.

-random thought of the day: Play my best!-

Discovering and learning about oneself can be facilitated by various procedures. this weekend, i learnt and reaffirmed some things about myself via a rather uncommon route...magic: the gathering. it's a pretty old trading card game; been around for around 20 years. and i never really had any interest in it during secondary school, when it was quite popular. never would have imagined that we would cross paths again more than 11 years after graduation. the reason i tried it is because the date is a really big magic fan, and what better way for us to get closer by having another common hobby? ...or so i thought.

for those unfamiliar with the game, you basically take on the role of a summoner, and your job is to defeat the opponent by summoning creatures to do your bidding, casting spells and enchantments, using artifacts, among other things. at this point, i guess i should mention that the only other card game in which i have significant experience is pokemon. if you know anything about pokemon and magic, you'll probably be able to guess how out of my depth i was. similar to pokemon, there are different elements, or colours, in magic. red is rushdown with multiple units, green is one-shot heavy damage, white focuses on defense and healing, black sacrifices life for various effects, blue mitigates damage or denies the opponent the chance to attack. pretty stereotypical. the date plays a blue/white combination, which is basically a pretty defensive style. i personally favour straightforward attack and defense, so the date recommended red/green for me. it was a good recommendation, most definitely.

despite that, i still found myself frustrated when playing against the date. you see, magic has this extremely annoying (to me) concept of interception/interruption. meaning to say that for each action which i do, my opponent can cut in to disrupt my plan, provided they have the appropriate card or ability. this does not sit well with me. you see, it's my belief that everyone deserves their fair shot. in the context of magic, that means that i would like to have my creatures actually perform the attack, before you try to rectify it by blocking, healing whatever. main concern for me is that the attack itself goes through, and i will extend that same courtesy to my opponent. i am perfectly ok with dying due to poor blocking power. however, the date has some really annoying cards, which will cause my creatures to not only be unable to attack, but to be returned to my hand, or worse, be removed from play. this denies me of the chance to even attack, and basically leaves me helpless. i REALLY dislike that. this translates into real life conflict resolution. i will give the other party a chance to explain their perspective, and expect the same in return. only then can we both work towards a solution. i don't mind losing an argument if i'd got my facts wrong, or if the opponent can point out holes and inconsistencies in my logic. but if the other party denies me of my chance to air my views, i will become extremely upset, because the argument is now one-sided.

and speaking of one-sided, i feel that that describes the blue playing style very well. i can imagine that it must be fun to do it to people, not so much when people do it to you. in competition, where the objective is to win, i can see why people would play that way...especially if there's prize money up for grabs. but when playing casually in a friendly match, i don't like it. of course, i concede that it's perfectly legal and within the rules of the game. but to me, it's not nice. i definitely would not do that to a friend (unless we're super close), much less the date. and i suppose here's where i feel that it's a bit...wrong/unfair that the date has no qualms doing it to me. no doubt the date didn't go all out, but it definitely didn't feel good. the date's reasoning is that if i'm not blocked like that, i'd do massive damage and win the game. i agree. it's for survival. but is that the only way to do it? and is winning all that important? i think you've read it somewhere here before...relationships matter more to me than winning at a game. i'd sacrifice my winning hands in mahjong if i was comfortably ahead, and last night i did the same to the date. i could have cast an epic spell and wiped out the date's health, but i didn't. instead, i took damage and lost on purpose, because i'd already won the previous round with that same spell. of course, i don't know if the date could counter it had i played the card, so perhaps it's a bit presumptuous to say that i let the date win. but fact remains is that i gave big chance. the date, however, will limit the "evilness" of the spells which they use, but will still aim for victory. there's nothing wrong with that. different people have different standards and limits. not to mention i can't demand in good conscience that the date let me win.

needless to say, i think by now you can kind of guess that magic's not my thing. too sneaky and underhanded. the date was just a bit upset/disappointed that i didn't like it, but i don't get what's there to be upset about. no doubt, i asked them to teach me, which they did with much patience and understanding. i greatly appreciate that. but somehow, no matter how good the teacher, some things just aren't meant to go together. maybe i'm not devious enough, or i think too well of my opponents. perhaps i'm using my own honour code to measure them, which is a mistake on my part. they are by no means bound to the same values as i am. i guess the date had expectations and hopes that i would like the game and take to it, creating another possible date activity. in fact, i asked the date what was their objective in us playing magic. the answer was very similar to my own goals - for both of us to enjoy ourselves and have fun in each other's company. thing is, as soon as the control effects get too excessive, or when my epic plan is spoilt after a long painful set-up process one too many times, i stop having fun.

let's reflect this the other way so that i'm in the position of power now. imagine that the date wanted to learn judo, and asked me to teach them. if they tried it, but somehow couldn't get the hang of posture, movement, breaking balance and breakfalls, i would be mildly bummed, but not disappointed. while it would be fun, and another way to keep fit, i would be perfectly fine if the date told me that they didn't like it, and didn't want to continue. i might think that i did a lousy job teaching, but that's it. i don't think that i would feel something as strong as disappointment.

the date said that this shows a big part of my character - that i am inflexible and resistant to change. i agree partially with that statement. yes, i am resistant to change, because i like working in a comfort zone. that's basic human nature. but i am ok with change, provided that i am given enough time to adapt and plan. i don't like abrupt monkey wrenches in the gears, like if my friend cancels dinner last-minute. but even then, i'm ok so long as i haven't actually started making my way to the dinner venue. because it wastes my resources (time, fuel, whatever). it's the same with the cards. it wastes my turn, my mana, my effort to build the epic plan.

one main reason that things didn't go well for me is that i was playing using the date's cards, in decks that the date built. the inherent problem is that it's built according to the date's style. i realize card decks are highly personal due to their customizability. no doubt the date tried to take my preferences into account when putting together a makeshift deck for me, but at the end of the day, we are not each other. due to the sheer numbers of cards, and all the possible permutations, it would be extremely difficult for someone else to tailor-make a deck for my style. so the fact that i lost is natural, and winning would have been due to a fluke, or the date making several mistakes.

you know, some part of me still feels negative. it's not because i lost, but rather the manner in which i lost. i cannot exactly accept watching helplessly as my opponent runs the game and blocks off all my possible strategies. even chess has turns, right!!?? and the opponent can't move your pieces for you! the logical decision seems obvious - for me to not play magic, and not give it a second thought. how sad that this should be one of those times where my head rebels against logic. part of me wants to give it another go, build my own deck and all that. might be because the date loves it so much, might be because i don't want to let the date down, or it even might be that i believe with my own customized deck of cards, i can play at a higher level and find a way to bypass that whole interruption thing. yet, every time the date interrupts my procedure, i feel my calmness and patience being eroded away, bit by bit. i am quite torn about what to do here. getting a deck means some financial investment (the date gave a $50 starting point). and even then, it's not guaranteed that i can overcome the date's defenses. let's not forget i have all of 2 days experience, and exposure to about 50 different cards, in comparison to the date's years of playing, and ridiculous collection. they own a literal shoe box of cards, i think. but if i leave things as they are now, i have no doubt that this negativity will become persistent and hang around in the back of my mind. perhaps i need an outlet, something to vent on. luckily one of the chem kids is somewhat knowledgeable about the game. maybe he'll understand and put things in perspective for me. right now, it's bedtime. reminder to self: it's the date's character and play style. it should not affect my feelings towards the relationship. and in the worst case, i have my ace in the hole: concede defeat. winning does not matter to me as far as this is concerned.

-random thought of the day: Acquired a deep hatred for the phrase "in response to that..."-