Didn't get the IP firm job, unfortunately. they said i interviewed well but other candidates did better in the written task. part of me wonders if it's because of my visa situation and they're trying to find a non-discriminatory cover reason not to hire me. but i have no reason to believe that they're lying to me, so it is what it is. have to admit, i'm not feeling too good after hearing that news. heart and breathing rate went up to almost uncomfortable levels, and there's a general sense of unease - more so than the baseline since i got here, anyway. so i'm just blogging to take my mind off it and hoping that planning ahead will go some way to making myself feel better.

before that though, i wonder if this is a sign that maybe IP is not the right path for me to venture down. honestly out of all the possible options i see, the search fund thing is the most attractive one now. maybe it's because i've experienced rejection for most other things - teaching (university-level), IP, chemist-type jobs. i don't know if i'd still feel the same way if the search fund route proved to be a bust too. i'm hoping it doesn't so i don't have to find out.

on the bright side, my accommodations for the next 2 months are settled. that's such a relief! chemical engineer cousin (maybe i should think of a new title for her, because she's newly-retired and i don't think she wants to be associated with her old job/workplace any more) gave me some advice about looking for temporary accommodations, including turning to churches. never thought of that! thankfully i most probably won't have to use that tip this time, but it's good to know. the house in which i'm renting a room is located near to the IP firm though, so that's going to be a bit awkward potentially. the current plan is to move there tomorrow and start looking for work, both locally/part-time as a stop-gap measure, and for something more permanent that may not necessarily be in that city. in the meantime, my other cousin suggested that i start reading up on business strategy, management, and growing a business in preparation for the search fund route. i can do that in between part-time work and job-hunting.

a scary thought has started rattling around in my head. it goes: what if no paths open up? it could be the residual pessimism from this latest setback, but i really worry that i won't find anything. related concern, i worry that i won't find anything that i really want to do. i've blogged about ikigai before - an ideal job that is a combination of 4 factors (something you like, something that you're good at, something that can support you, and something that society needs). granted, i don't think that many people have a job that hits all 4 of those things. but still, having 2 or 3 of those things...or even 1, is better than the zero that i'm at now. i think i need to look beyond what i know so far and explore other areas. i don't know why, but recently the thought of not using my brain so much is starting to sound more appealing.

ok. let's take one step at a time and focus on things that are within my control. i've booked the long train over, so that's one thing off my mind. i have to pack up tonight (luckily i only unpacked minimally for this initial stay), then leave my current place around 10:30am and be at the station by 12:30pm to catch that train. from there, it's another 20 minutes or so by bus to the house, where i can get settled in.

my lease is set to run for 2 months, ie. ending at the end of august. from there, i figure i have 2 routes - leave the UK, or find another place to rent while continuing the search. ideally a company that wants to take me on will sponsor the relocation costs, but that's looking too far beyond. i guess because of the rejection, i'm in a more pessimistic mood now. going back to singapore at the end of august is becoming a possibility too, but we'll see what happens in the next few months.

next, job-hunting strategy. the parachute book recommended that people in my situation adopt the mindset of being a full-time jobseeker, ie. looking for a job is my job. i plan to apply to as many jobs in as many locations as i can. of course, without the quality of each application dropping as well. i'll also wander into the community centre and ask if they have temporary jobs available locally. i figure i can work for maybe 5, 6 hours a day, job hunt for about 5 hours, and that still leaves me a good 3-ish, 4 hours for other recreational stuff. a few things i'm interested to do include playing dawntrail (maybe streaming it), volunteer locally in some capacity, and go for some LGBT socials. not forgetting taking time to explore the town! the weather here is so nice, i could walk for hours without feeling it. might help me lose weight, too.

am i feeling better? a little. i'm trying to remind/convince myself that this is all part of a greater plan, and that things will work out in the end. who knows - maybe in the alternate universe where i got the IP job, i'd live out my life in that city and miss something really spectacular? it also occurred to me that this means plan australia is still very much alive at this time, because taking the IP path would have killed it. but this might be me speaking too soon, since i still intend to apply for IP jobs if they come up. let's see what the future has in store for me!

-random thought of the day: It's not the end yet.-

Wanted to talk about 2 related ideas today: maslow's hierarchy of needs, and decision-making under trying circumstances. maslow's hierarchy is complicated enough that i won't be able to do it justice here, but the basic idea is that humans have different kinds/levels of needs, and the more basic ones have to be fulfilled first before the higher-level ones. it's often represented as a pyramid, and the tiers from lowest (most basic/essential) to highest go: physiological -> safety -> belonging and love -> esteem -> self-actualization. i've never had to worry about being homeless or hungry. admittedly, i still don't now. if push came to shove, i could shell out for a few nights in a hotel. but i can't do that forever, which is why the issue of settling my next accommodations is kind of stressing me out. lesson learnt: book an initial place for at least 2 weeks. i booked mine for 6 days, and it's barely enough. as for safety, i feel ok. it's been good so far. not exactly on tenterhooks, but i don't feel particularly inclined to wander about outside when it's dark. brief sidetrack to say how surprised i was when my phone clock showed 9pm and the sky was still bright! no, i didn't forget to change timezones. just that it's summer now, and the days are longer. i'm not even going to think about the remaining tiers of needs until i secure housing and a job.

idea #2 is about decision-making. i forgot the exact details, but a study showed that people experiencing poverty don't make good decisions. i think the clickbait tagline/short summary of it was "poverty reduces your IQ by 20 points". personally, i think it's not limited to decision-making, but it extends to your overall thought processes in general. those 2 things combined together have led me to question some of the things i'm doing. again, i'm not broke, but the mindset of wanting to save as much as possible and stretch every dollar as far as possible really wears on you. i honestly can't tell you how many times the thought of just going back to singapore, where i have guaranteed housing, has come to mind even though it's only in the middle of my first week here. to be fair though, i remember my first night in kochi being miserable as well - having just said goodbye to the singapore JETs earlier in the day after our quarantine ended, boarding the plane to kochi alone, landing and immediately being rushed all over town to get the moving-in procedures done. to add on to the misery, i realized i'd neglected to pack a towel, so i had to use a combination of toilet paper and used clothes to dry off after that first shower...in winter! but even then, it wasn't all that bad because my supervisor and superintendent were at the airport to welcome me, plus the discord server that we (the JETs) had was really active, and i knew that at least 10 other people were going through it at the same time as i was. i am 100% solo here, which is not reassuring at all.

for perspective though, there are things i've been enjoying in the UK. the biggest upside is the weather. although it's summer now, it's cool enough that hoodies are needed in the mornings and evenings. i've actually seen some guys walking around shirtless! first thought: 'how?', second thought: 'nice!'. i can walk about all day without breaking a sweat. on the social side, i've had several pleasant interactions with random people in shops and on the train, which is not something that regularly happens in singapore. of course, it could be because of the time of the day or the locations that i'm visiting...just that i've never seen crowd density build up to singapore levels, with only morning rush hour coming close.

on to job updates, i have...many job applications pending. i actually lost count! my best guess is 4 in the UK, 4 in new zealand, 1 in singapore. not placing too high hopes on NZ, actually...visa sponsorship issues still seem to be a thing for jobs there. the singapore job looks good, but i'm up against about 140 other applicants, no joke. i expect the universities in the UK will get back to me around august so as to have prep time before the semester starts in september. i also had an interview with an IP firm just yesterday. it went well enough; as usual there are things that i could have done better, but what's done is done. i understand that they're interviewing 3 candidates (me included) for 1 or 2 positions, so odds look good. still, i don't want to assume anything until after i've signed the offer letter. i think my visa situation will put me at a disadvantage, because after my 3 years on this visa are up (or if we agree to swap sooner), they'll have to sponsor me for a work visa. and my understanding is that they don't have a sponsor license now, so that will be an additional cost to them.

about this IP firm...they were very upfront in telling me that if i joined them, most of the work i'd be doing wouldn't be chemical in nature. strangely, i found myself to be ok with that. i mean, patent attorney qualification is the same regardless of the discipline, as long as it's STEM-related. all candidates take the same courses and exams. scientists actually have a slight disadvantage vs. engineers because the drafting paper will be about something mechanical. after all, not everyone will have specialized chemical/biological knowledge, but everyone knows what a lever or wedge or simple mechanical device is and the principles behind their operation. i also know that there's a success story already - one of the firm's partners is trained in chemistry, but he hasn't been doing much chemical work. they mentioned that i should know the outcome early in the following week, so fingers crossed.

on a larger scale, i wonder if this is the beginning of the end for my affinity with chemistry. all the way from secondary school to grad school, i'd always envisioned myself using chemistry in the workplace. even if it's not necessarily a lab-based role, i thought that i'd still interact with chemistry in some way, eg. using my chemical knowledge when dealing with patent applications in the accursed IP firm. but now, with the possibility of landing this mostly non-chemical IP job, and my cousin's search fund suggestion, leaving chemistry behind doesn't seem like such a stretch any more. but it's ok. after all, a university degree is just proof that you know how to learn. it doesn't say anything about the area in which you use that ability. having said that though, i will still apply to some chemical companies both in the UK and in singapore. i figure that i owe myself that much for all the effort and time i put into taking chemistry as a major.

by the way, this potential IP firm is located in essex, just north-eastish of london. i've been to the town it's in, and i quite like the vibe there. they have an LGBT support centre called the OUThouse, the name of which i think is quite witty. also, there appears to be a decent asian community there - i've seen chinese restaurants, a bubble tea shop, even an asian grocery store! ironic that despite being further away from south-east asia, i can get south-east asian food and ingredients here more readily than i could in japan.

so, the current plan is: i will move to that city regardless of whether the IP firm offers me a job or not. if they do, then i'll work there with the goal of qualifying as a patent attorney in 3 to 4 years. i'll have to complete the grad certificate before my current visa runs out though, unless they swap me to a work visa. in my spare time, i want to slowly integrate into the community by volunteering and other stuff, focusing on LGBT things. if the IP firm doesn't offer me the job, i'll job-hunt using the city as a base while doing some part-time work and maybe volunteering if my heart/mind can handle it. hopefully i won't have to move too far, but that's out of my control.

now comes the hard-to-mention part: i'm thinking that in a worst-case scenario, i will bring forward my departure from the UK. i mentioned that i thought about going back to singapore, right? to tell the truth, i already went to look at air ticket prices. the way i see it is, if my job hunt yields no results by the end of august (and if a nice, cute guy who will take me in and provide for me doesn't come along either), then i'll start making plans to go back. i saw that for the whole month of october, the airfare for a london to singapore flight is cheapest on my birthday...perhaps it's a sign. i'm not about to book it right this instant, but it will be something to consider around late-august if really nothing comes along by then. however if at least one of my singapore applications comes through, then i'll really have to consider next steps very carefully. applying now would mean getting a response by september-ish at the latest, so there's still time. and who knows? maybe the job market will get better later in the year. i have some insider information that some places might hire towards year-end.

one belief i've always had is that the universe (you might say "god" if you're religious) never gives us a greater challenge than we can handle. everything that's happened so far is still within my threshold. the main thing i should focus on is taking one small step at a time, and building the momentum up. easier said than done, but it is doable. and hey - if nothing else, this will add to my life experience and story bank! already, i think one lesson i'm learning is to appreciate the familiarity of singapore and more importantly, the comfort of having people you can rely on be in close proximity.

in the immediate future, i've got to settle my next housing. the landlord is supposed to get back to me tomorrow, which is cutting it closer than i'd like. at the worst case i'll have to book myself a hotel/airbnb for a few days to a week. not the best use of funds, but i don't really have a choice. wish i could extend my stay at this current place, but someone's due to check in on the same day as when i check out. well...i'll find a way somehow. just hoping it's not too expensive.

-random thought of the day: All will be well.-

Very sure that somewhere on this blog, I've described JET as "living overseas - easy mode" or something to that effect. now that i'm in the UK and REALLY doing the living overseas thing without any help, i realize exactly how and why JET is easy. for JET, you have a supervisor whose job scope literally includes "helping the foreigner". I've heard that some supervisors aren't that good, but at least there's a sense of reassurance that you can at least call someone if something goes wrong or if there's something that you don't know. in my present case, i MIGHT be able to reach out to other singaporeans living here, but they are by no means duty-bound to help me. i'd be lucky if they even paid my message(s) any attention!

one way in which JET is easier than any old move overseas (and is a way which i totally overlooked) is that you're moving with a job offer in hand. this means that you can have less starting capital, and also less worry because you have a confirmed source of incoming funds. right now, with no solid job offer yet, i'm eating into my savings. and while it can sustain me for a little bit, i'll have to do something to stretch the money while jobless. i'm considering finding part time work, but that will have to wait until i can secure a place to live. yet another thing that my town settled for me! granted that not all JETs are this lucky; i understand that tokyo JETs have to settle their own accommodations.

currently, the housing situation is a bit tricky. see - ideally i'd want to live close to work, for no other reason than to save time/money on the commute. but not knowing where work is means that i'm taking a huge chance on renting a place now. and yet, i have to have a roof over my head, right!? the positive here is i have one place in the works, so i can sign the lease there to tide me over in the meantime. just that it's a little inaccessible. small price to pay for shelter, i guess. and it's not like i haven't tried to look for housing - positive responses haven't been coming in. all that is contingent on me finding a job, though. I've got an interview tomorrow, and if i land that job, the commute is approximately 2 hours each way. granted, about an hour will be spent on the train, so i can study, sleep, do whatever to make full use of the time. still not looking forward to it.

side note: i realized that i kind of romanticized the public transport system in singapore to my japanese students. i told them all about how it took 2 or 3 minutes between train stations. what i forgot (and was reminded of while in singapore) is the time taken from the starting point to the embarking station, and then from the disembarking station to the actual destination. for example, from my front door to sengkang station takes between 10 to 25 minutes, depending on the mode of transport (LRT, cycle, walk). so i guess hour-long commutes exist in singapore too! I've been horribly spoilt by my 20-minute walk/7-minute cycle/5-minute drive japan commute.

whenever this uncertainty is making me feel bad, i should remind myself that (1) i have backup plans and (2) i have exit plans. the backup is job-hunting while working part-time, and the exit is just buying a plane ticket back to singapore! yes, i know that it's not trendy for people to imagine their plans failing, but we need to be realistic. the current thought is if nothing comes through by the end of the year (or when my money runs out, whichever's earlier), then i'll just pack up and go. but let's hope for the best for tomorrow's interview.

-random thought of the day: Surprisingly, not super jet-lagged.-

"Has your journey been good? Has it been worthwhile?"

getting some emotional stuff out of my head, because (1) it's been a long time since i've updated, and (2) i haven't been doing so good mentally recently. nothing serious, just the usual stress and anxiety that arises from taking a big step into the unknown...but it's bad to the point where my sleeping hours are out of whack. might be a blessing in disguise, since it's actually more in line with the UK timezone.

the line above is from final fantasy, and in a strange coincidence, the game's story and trajectory/timeline actually kind of mirrors my own. spoiler alert if you're not up to date on current game content, by the way. the current expansion (endwalker) was released in june/july 2021, when i'd been in japan for about 6 months. its storyline was very nihilistic, in that a character sent out to explore the cosmos saw world after world falling prey to disease, war, hubris, and being destroyed. as a result, this character became the embodiment of despair and brought the apocalypse to the world our characters are in. that's not an exaggeration, by the way. during one part of the story, the weather forecast literally reads "apocalypse".

in finding ways to stop the "final days", as they're called, we met the "mother goddess" who said that line. in a meta way, the developers used it to reach out to the players and ask them about their journey through the game so far. it's even more significant because it's the culmination of 10 years of storytelling, and it was released during the height of COVID, where people were feeling most isolated. i'm not ashamed to admit that i cried buckets while playing through the game, more than any other expansion has made me cry so far. if you recall, the latter half of 2019 and most of 2020 was a bad time for me...depression from the accursed IP firm experience (still not entirely comfortable describing myself as "depressed", but oh well) resulted in me not really moving forward during that period. and upon finishing the main story of endwalker, i went on a bit of a ramble drawing the parallels between events in the game and how they mirrored my feelings at that time - hopelessness, meaninglessness, and that the bad times would go on forever; and how the hope/faith that better days were coming and having something to look forward to (japan and JET, in my case) is such a powerful force to overcome the dark thoughts. i believe that it's still recorded as a highlight on my twitch. can't vouch for the sound quality though, and i'm far too embarrassed to go back and check.

the parallels don't stop there. the upcoming expansion (dawntrail) is about how having saved the world, our character is going on an adventure purely for the sake of adventuring. seeing new sights, meeting new people, that kind of thing. i should mention that our character started off as an adventurer, so it's going back to his roots. of course there have already been hints about stumbling into something bigger, or else there wouldn't be enough story content! but the stakes are definitely lower than "succeed or the world ends" this time. early access for dawntrail is due to open on 28 june, which is around the time i'd have been in the UK for a week. so this is the second similarity between the game and my life - that i'm going on a new adventure. i'm trying my best to be optimistic about it, boosted by the fact that i FINALLY got an interview with an IP firm! but it's not easy to actually stop worrying. JET was overseas living on easy mode - my town settled my housing and moving-in procedures, even going so far as to help me secure a car for cheap! i'm literally on my own in the UK. but i think i should be resourceful enough to get by, provided nothing untoward happens, like getting everything stolen. touch wood, of course.

one other extremely common theme that runs through final fantasy titles and indeed most japanese RPGs is the theme of "unity overcomes adversity". i suspect it's to do with japanese societal beliefs. but i think it's fundamentally true. i've been feeling so bad for the past week, and my spirits only got lifted by 2 conversations - one with some of the chemistry guys, and the other with my professor. i can't overstate how much i appreciate the kindness that they showed in sharing their time with me, talking to me and offering their perspectives. my professor even said i could give companies his personal number and use him as a reference anytime. the way he treats someone who graduated from his lab 5 years ago (and who didn't really have much published research output) is ridiculously amazing. i could feel tears welling up as he told me that! he's the kind of person i really want a lifelong friendship with.

job application-wise, i've begun applying to a wider range of jobs. a couple of rejections came in last night, one from an IP firm and another from oxford. would have been nice to land the oxford gig, i think...but it would make the transition to australia more difficult. i realize that the sponsorship criteria for new zealand is easier to hit, but the number of companies willing to sponsor is still so low. makes me wonder why! on one hand the impression they give is like "we want people who meet our criteria!" and then "but specifically not you". drives me crazy.

well...let's keep an open mind. again i have to remind myself that being granted an interview doesn't equal being offered the job! i'm kind of wrestling with the possibility that a life overseas is not on the cards, and that singapore may be the only path open to me. or i suppose i could take a job in singapore as being the springboard to other places. while career planning is great, there's not much planning that can be done if i can't even land a job now, right!?

feeling better after that brain dump. i'm actually horribly behind; my flight is in about 80 hours and i still have a fair bit of packing to go. not to mention several job application deadlines coming up in that time as well. have to get it together.

-random thought of the day: Missing an application or two is ok, right?-

Met a former JET from my cohort this past week. she left japan last july, and is pursuing her masters now. i should also mention she's an MOE teacher, and i asked her about the career path as one. in a previous discussion with another friend, he suggested that i go for a self-funded post-graduate diploma in education (PGDE) and use that as my ticket to australian PR. this teacher friend told me that that route doesn't technically exist, as the only option that MOE offers is sponsorship + bond. the total time outlay is about 6 months untrained teaching exposure + 1.5 years diploma + up to 3 years bond, meaning a total of 5 years. just...no. well i suppose i could break the bond immediately upon graduation, but i'd have to cough up a hefty sum - in the neighbourhood of $70 000. so no to the teaching route.

remember the communications coach from a few posts back? he told a story which has an analogy that i quite like. it was about having enough soldiers in your army to win a battle. not literal soldiers in an army of course, but books and the knowledge they impart in your head. while browsing reddit, i came across a book recommendation which has the philosophy that would have helped me had i learnt about it before things went south with the accursed IP firm. the book is called "designing your life". out of the maybe 7 or 8 ideas discussed, i found the idea of being failure-proof to be something i wish i'd internalized earlier. perhaps instead of wallowing in depression for a year, i should have brushed it off and job-hunted in earnest. of course it's easy to say now that i've moved past it, but me at that time needed to learn the long/hard way.

other ideas i liked were how to job-hunt, how to network, and designing your ideal job - something that energizes you, engages you, aligns with your life values. there are a few more exercises in the book that i need to do for a clearer picture. thankfully, most of the things are things that i've been thinking about while in japan, so i have some preexisting ideas. the book just offered a more structured way to think about those things, and made it easier to see links/relationships.

a second book i read is called "searching through dustbins", and is about a south african guy's entrepreneurial journey. due to cultural differences, some things didn't carry across on first read, including the exchange rates. i had to google how much the starting pay of 40 000 rand for an accountant was in something that i could value (about SGD 650). even knowing what that is in SGD, it still isn't super useful because i don't know the cost of living in south africa. there's nothing for me to pin it to. but maybe it's not enough, and that was a motivator for him to work hard? after reading his book...i don't think i have that kind of hustle mindset. am i afraid of hardship? a little, i guess. i don't think i'm prepared to hit rock bottom and claw my way back up. i mean if i somehow end up at rock bottom and have to do it, i suppose i will...but i don't think i'll end up there. perhaps it's for that reason that i won't be a good entrepreneur, and it's also why the search fund route is more appealing. more of a safety net, plus it's on easy mode in a way as compared to starting a company from scratch.

i should also mention that i've applied to a few more places. universities in australia and the UK, mainly. the detailed analysis is in the previous post, so i'm not going to rehash it. it seems that i might be eligible for a global talent visa in the UK if i get employed by a university. how fancy! i guess i'll talk to them and see if they'll support the conversion. although...honestly i'm not sure if i want to stay in the UK permanently. at this point, thinking about that is counting chickens. let me submit a few more job applications and see how things go.

-random thought of the day: Must send in 2 applications tomorrow!-

Could be desperation or my desire to keep more doors open, but i've recently started looking into other types of jobs. i think it's better if i start by updating you on the possible routes into each country, because i've also found out a bit more info.

singapore: straightforward, i can apply for any job here. the problems are mostly not work-related...things like living arrangements, quality of life, the weather!

UK: my visa runs out in march 2027. until then, i'm free to do whatever i like, except be a professional sportsperson. what an odd exclusion! if i want to stay in the UK, i will have to (1) get married and apply for a partner visa, or (2) switch to a sponsored skilled work visa. both of these will then lead to PR after 5 years on the respective visas (my current visa doesn't count towards PR, sadly).

australia: so, i found out that in addition to the independent (points-tested) PR route which requires a minimum of one year's relevant work experience, there are other ways to get a permanent visa. basically all of them require employer sponsorship. but here's something else i learnt - if an employer is willing to sponsor a visa at academic rank A and above, the skills assessment criteria is waived. the academic rank thing is quite convoluted, but basically my qualifications make me eligible for rank A at the minimum. what this means is, if an australian university were to offer me a job with visa sponsorship, i could take it up right away! separately, my cousin told me about some business investor/entrepreneur visa, which i may want to look into at a later stage.

my mental image of this situation is me standing in front of 3 flags, with multiple paths (the jobs, or routes that i can use) going to each flag. to complicate things, there are paths between the flags too! i might make use of my s-pen and the phone's larger screen to draw it out eventually, but for now i'm going to list the routes in text form. i'll leave out the marriage options so as not to complicate things further.   

- work in singapore as anything i want, settle in singapore

- work in singapore as a chemist or postdoc for a few years, apply for australian PR (points route) then work as anything there

- apply directly to an australian university (sponsored route), work there for a few years to get PR then work as anything there

- go to australia on the entrepreneur visa, do the search fund thing there and eventually get PR

- go to the UK on my current visa, work as anything i want, get sponsored for a work visa and apply for PR, settle there

- go to the UK on my current visa, work in IP, part or fully qualify, come back to singapore and continue IP work

- go to the UK on my current visa, work as a chemist or postdoc for a few years, apply for australian PR then work as anything in australia

new info: the skills assessment for the researcher route requires at least one publication in the last 5 years for a positive result. while the classes of visa i'm looking at exempt the skills assessment requirement, there is allowance for them to order a discretionary skills assessment where i have to get one. that would suck.

there are details, like what do i want when i say "anything i want"? so far i don't think i've experienced what some people claim to have - jumping out of bed and eager to go to work. at least in singapore, i attribute that to overcrowding. all the traffic (human traffic included) make my baseline mood bad, so it's easier for me to feel negative emotions vs. positive ones. i'm kind of interested in jobs that relate to flavour and fragrance, and my chemistry background puts me in a slightly better position for those roles. i think i'll apply and see what comes out of it, but without expecting much.

poking around at postdoc positions, i've concluded that they are my last resort...except those in australian universities, because they lead more directly to australian PR. somehow, looking at my old areas of research (organic chemistry in particular) brought about a kind of aversion. i guess it's the subconscious memories of all the failed reactions, late nights, nonsense NMR, hazardous chemicals...you get the idea. and although i did consider it, i don't think i'll aim for a postdoc position in singapore. i think it's half due to the trauma, half due to knowing the demands of academia locally.

apart from the choice of job, i also have to take the choice of country into account. right now my first choice is australia, second choice is UK (only because of the distance), and singapore is last. this is a pretty uninformed choice, considering that i've only lived in 1 of the 3 countries on the list. but at least i've been to australia, so i have a sense of what it's like there. just as an exercise, if i were to rank the options above from 1 (most desired) to 7 (least desired), the list would look something like (top to bottom) 7, 6, 4, ?, ?, 5, 3. i don't know how to rank the top 2, because both seem equally attractive, and have one major con each. for UK, it's the distance from singapore. for australia, it's because while business is exciting and new, the novelty also makes it unfamiliar.

thanks to the libby app, i've been reading much more recently. i read more books in the past week than i did in a year in japan...possibly more than my entire time there, actually! my american co-teacher recommended me this book called "thinking, fast and slow". it's about nobel prize-winning research on psychology and how we make decisions. "fast" refers to subconscious intuition and "slow" refers to deliberate thought. it's quite fascinating, and things which i hadn't given much thought to actually seem to be important in the decision-making process. i'm not going to be a master manipulator or anything, but i'll try to incorporate a few tricks into the job hunt. so far, my biggest takeaway is to be careful and not blurt out my first answer to seemingly easy questions.

12-ish days before i fly. part of me can't wait to GTFO, part of me is screaming in fear at that same prospect. as i was searching for jobs to apply to, i was just thinking of all the alternative choices that i could have made and the different ways i could have arranged things. taking law instead of chemistry, for one. not going into IP fresh out of grad school, but applying for a postdoc position in australia immediately to speed up getting australian PR (to be fair, it wasn't on my radar at all at the time). dating more. breaking up with the ex sooner. but yes...can't change the past. hoping that i have enough courage/fortitude to change the future.

-random thought of the day: Feels like the clock is ticking...-

Let's quickly sort out the feelings that something brought about. when i emailed him last week, i saw that my professor's email signature had been updated to say "professor" as opposed to "associate professor", which is what i remember him as. i thought ok, maybe he's just shortening his title. like in the army, we sometimes call lieutenant-colonels "colonel" for short. going to the NUS website today showed me that he had indeed been promoted to full professor. i am so happy for him! and yet, it's also left me feeling a bit sorry for myself.

there are several reasons why those two emotions shouldn't exist together. first, i am wholeheartedly happy for him. it couldn't have happened to a better or more deserving person. second, i'm not even jealous, because i decided that a career as an academic isn't for me. plus, i'm from his lab! and yet...here i am, feeling this way. i guess more than the specific event, it's the thought that people around me are achieving things while i'm simply...not. yes, i know: everyone's journey is unique; there's no right or wrong way as long as the conscience is clear; we're all exactly where we're meant to be; things will happen in time; any more hackneyed clichés i'm missing? it still doesn't assuage the feeling, though. i guess i have to be clear about where the separation is, and that my negative feelings about my own situation do not affect my positive feelings towards his.

to be fair to myself, he's further along in life than i am. i think he's...15 years my senior? he turned 50 last september, if memory serves. what was he doing at 35? reconstructing his timeline, he probably served NS and did undergrad, meaning he graduated at 24. 8 years of regular service and 4 years of phd studies means he was a newly-minted phd graduate at 36. or 34, if he disrupted his NS for studies. that sounds more likely, actually. so at 35, he was probably doing his postdoc work. i guess it makes me feel a little better, to know that he also moved away and then back to science. 8 years, though...mad respect.

did that help? somewhat. granted that my diversion from science was a little further away, plus it was probably easier for him to find relevant work because he did his phd after he finished his service, followed by a postdoc immediately after graduation. but instead of looking at the nitty-gritty, i'm just going to take inspiration from his story. i think i should just update that i have 4 live applications going on in the UK now. not much hope for 2 of them, because i haven't heard from the companies since applying in late march, and they're under the same umbrella company anyway. the other 2, however...one's with the company that has been the most responsive so far, and the other's job ad was posted to their website when i wrote in to ask about it. so...fingers crossed. of course i have my own preference between the two, but i'd be grateful for an offer from either one of them.

small self-praise moment: getting a phone with 512gb of storage was a great idea! see, i'd just discovered the NLB app and the fact that it's linked to libby. libby is like an umbrella app for libraries, where you can add and manage multiple library memberships (as long as they're supported). i did a random search, and found that the library in the city next to my town in japan is registered! wasted; should have gotten a membership there. oh. i should explain why more storage space is good. see, libby allows you to borrow books online. more importantly, it allows you to download the book and read it on your device. that includes audiobooks too! i didn't realize they took up that much space; one audiobook can go up to 300mb, and i can borrow 21 of them maximum. so that's 6.3gb of space needed at most? yes, i know it's a small fraction of 512. just means that i have more space for other things.

-random thought of the day: Why won't my listings sell!?-