Quite a bunch of stuff to unpack today, all relationship-related and maybe a tiny bit of logistics at the end. skip this post if you don't want to hear me moan about things going on with the guy. you're not missing much, i promise.

the guy messaged, asking if i'd be ok with us being friends. quite odd to get that out of the blue, so i asked why. turns out the girl that was his ex before last wants them to get together again. and he's considering it. you know how i know i've grown emotionally? i didn't shut down and/or blow up in his face. go me! funny how growth can be observed from the most unlikely avenues. i must admit, i am quite impressed. the level of youthful inexperience, lack of tact, and low EQ needed to bring such a matter up to a potential romantic partner! but at least he's honest. i don't think he's a mind games sort of person, so i don't believe this is a ploy to get me more invested or to trigger my FOMO.

normally i kind of lump thoughts and feelings together, but i think it'll be more comprehensive if i separate them this time. starting with feelings, it doesn't feel good to be told that you're being evaluated against someone else, especially when that someone else reentered the picture and kind of "disrupted" what you have. worse is when you're being told that you might not be the first choice any more. but i'm also grateful that he's being upfront about it. one of the things i told him initially was that i believe in open communication. say what you mean, mean what you say. i'm at least happy that he's not going behind my back.

perhaps this next bit is me being entitled, but i feel a little disgruntled(?) in that i'm doing my best to do things for him despite the distance, yet all my efforts seem to be for naught. buying him food, sending him a letter, i even got the perfume he wanted. ok, that last one was also partially an economic decision; it's cheaper here than in singapore. this is a very landmine-filled area, because i don't want to imply that i should be given affection or anything else in return for providing anything financial or material. i did everything so far willingly. how can this be reconciled, though?

as for thoughts, my main thought is that the fact that he asked if we could be friends already means that he's considering his ex over me. and in a way, he's kind of already leaning in one direction. my relationship with him obviously doesn't mean that much to him in the first place. in this case though, there are mitigating factors. i'm in a different country, so that ex and i are kind of competing on unequal ground here. while video calls are great, they don't hold a candle to actual in-person interaction, which he gets from her every day (they're in school together). and i guess he's feeling that difference. hopefully he can wait the 17 days.

secondary thought is that it seems that he (and perhaps this relationship in general) isn't worth fighting for. i would move mountains for someone whose views and values are aligned with mine. you know, the whole "two of us against the world" thing. it doesn't work when i'm the only one fighting for it. and yet, the stupid irrational part of me doesn't want to let it go yet. i guess i'm counting on the situation getting better once the obstacle of distance has been resolved.

how will this affect the future, though? assuming he chooses me over his ex after all, will i always worry after he makes an off-handed remark about how someone is hotter than me, or if/when he threatens to break up with me? do i give him the benefit of the doubt, and hope that that he'll mature and see that i'm better for him? assuming that i am indeed better for him, of course. will i worry that he's dating me for financial reasons? honestly, i don't have a clue how things will play out in the future. all i can do is to do the best i can and see how things play out.

mix of thought and feeling here, but it seems like i'm selling myself short. in all my romantic interactions so far, i always feel the need to be the one giving more, taking care of the other person, giving way. to put it another way, i'm the one doing the chasing instead of being chased. would be nice to be on the receiving end for a change! but i will still feel the need to give more. this is a me problem, in that my perceived self-worth is tied very strongly to my physical appearance and i'm worried that people will reject me because of that. so i guess i overcompensate in other areas. it's something that i have to overcome on my own, and it wouldn't be fair to put the burden on others.

rational me says it's time to look elsewhere. idealistic/desperate me wants to give it a chance. i guess it's also in the event we don't end up together, i can say that i tried, at least. no-regrets philosophy and all. kind of having second thoughts about buying the perfume, because it looks like it'll be a loss. do i want to give it to him? if i'm 100% honest, i kind of think that that might help tip the balance in my favour. so much for me not wanting to equate material things with affection! but well, my intention was to give it to him anyway.

ok, enough of that for now. i will do what i reasonably can from here, and that does not include changing my flight. i'm now more committed to the 27th, as i also bought the long train ticket for that date. mildly worried because a train change is involved. it says i have 10 minutes to change platforms, which may involve going down a floor, walking for a bit, and going up again. more than ample time, assuming the trains arrive and depart exactly on time. after that, it's getting an oyster card at the intermediate station, before a straight train to heathrow. i'm planning to be at the airport like 4 hours before my flight, which means 2 hours before check-in. should have ample buffer time built in. if there's a day where i need all my stars to align, 27th august would be it.

i figure that amidst the job applications and stuff, i should start packing and redistributing my luggage soon. i have 30 kg checked baggage allowance, and the remainder will have to fit into my backpack and messenger bag. pretty sure i can make it happen. just thinking whether i should try to buy or sell off anything else while i'm here. of course, the reverse thought process applies - what do i have to sell? clothes, i guess. but it's not worth the hassle. well, i'm sure i'll manage it some way or another!

-random thought of the day: You get the love you think you deserve.-