Now that the happy post is finished, it's time for the less-happy post. i felt that it wasn't right to spoil the birthday post with depressing stuff, so this is my alternative. the happiness against time graph really took a nosedive on wednesday night. and guess what? it was due to magic. i can hear all of you going "SERIOUSLY!!??" as i'm typing this. yes, seriously. there are 2 differences this time, though...(1) it was the online version of magic, and (2) i have no idea what i did wrong. maybe i'll find out as this post grows.
the game had been glitchy in not allowing online vs. play. we tried twice before, without success. somehow, it worked that night, so we played. and i lost. expected. despite being expected, it was still upsetting. nobody likes to lose, right? even then, learning from my previous mistake, i maintained an even tone and replied the date normally, though without the usual emojis. admittedly, i got quite self-depreciating, perhaps bordering passive-aggressiveness...though i stated the facts - that i was a poor deck builder, that i couldn't anticipate everything, didn't have a good strategy, and needed way more to catch up to the date. although i lost, i got a decent start, by using my cards to kill of some of the date's creatures. and here's where the problem started. after i killed the date's creatures, they called me a bully over whatsapp. twice. second time in caps. i was displeased with this because if you look at it overall, how on earth could i bully the date? i thought of a chinese phrase/idiom that goes "恶人先告状", which google translates as "the wicked complain first". literal meaning aside, it's a metaphor for someone doing something (negative) and acting the victim. i suppose that in english, it's a hybrid of boy who cried wolf and pot calling kettle black? maybe not. to me, that was essentially what the date was doing. calling me a bully, then proceeding to decimate me. i feel that it's unfair, because it's like, you make yourself out to be poor and defenseless, and yet, you're the one with the firepower. doesn't make sense! so, i told the date that i didn't like it, and could they please stop. call me biased towards myself, but i think it was a polite, reasonable request. apparently not, because the date got upset. they said that they meant it as a joke, of which i have no doubt. thing is, it's not a joke if one party doesn't find it funny. i told the date that it sounded patronizing to me, and in retrospect, that may have been an incorrect choice of adjective to convey what i was feeling. i would like to emphasize that i did so politely, without using abusive language.
quick sidetrack. can you imagine if something similar happened in sports? like me telling (obviously smaller and weaker) white belts "don't bully me ah" as i throw them left and right. ok, granted that the sports analogy is a bit more extreme, because it is bordering physical abuse, with more lasting consequences. it would therefore be classified as LJ/CB behaviour - you choose whichever genitalia you like more. thankfully for card games, all that get hurt are feelings and pride.
somehow through the course of the night and the next morning, my request for the date to "please stop that" evolved to mean "i wanted to control everything the date said and how they played so that i could get the edge to win". first thought in my head: WHAT?? how does "what you are saying is upsetting to me" equate to "you want to control me so that you can win"?? the outcome of the game wouldn't change whether the date called me a bully or not, as i totally didn't comment on the date's plays at all. but i think not calling me a bully would allow me to lose without the sense of indignation at being labelled the bad guy...and an ineffectual one, at that! bear in mind: i played whatever i thought was best. i am not denying that i got outclassed, or that the date won fair and square. i don't see the link at all between the two statements, really.
but wait, there's more! you know that proverb about straws and broken camel backs? apparently, this was it. somehow, this incident led to the floodgates opening about how the date was dissatisfied with other areas of my personality, and in the way i handle situations, and in my interactions with certain people, and in my anger issue. it's funny how anger issue keeps cropping up. to quote a meme, "boy, that escalated quickly". just once, i would like to see myself through the date's eyes. either that, or find out how they see me. as a horrible person that they have to painstakingly shape into their ideal of a perfect boyfriend? i don't know.
oh. that was the reason i slept poorly last night. had all of 3 hours' sleep, from 1:30am to 4:30am, thereabouts. tossed and turned a bit before deciding to go to lab early. had a surprisingly productive day! though i needed a double-dose of coffee to keep me awake. i wonder if the canteen auntie can do kopi-o kosong gao gao on request? the date sent 9 messages over the morning, which i only read at lunch. figured i didn't want to be caught by surprise and drop my samples. apart from the whole controlling thing, they date was saying that they'd had enough and had to reconsider our relationship. talk about quick escalation! as of tonight, the date has said that they needed time...which i respect. so i'm just going to wait, i guess.
a mentor figure i briefly spoke with suggested that i try to see things from the date's point of view. ok...let's try. i'm playing with my date, and call him a bully as a joke. he takes it personally and tells me to stop. that makes me not enjoy playing the game, and i feel like i'm being controlled. i see that he lost the game, and seems upset from our text conversation. it's almost as if he's indirectly taking it out on me. i think he is letting his rage get the better of him and being a sore loser again. that reminds me of all his other flaws and i realize that i can't handle it any more. as a result, my mood is negatively affected as well, and no happy ending to the story. i'd better think twice if we should go further. how's that for an analysis? does it make sense? i can see why the date might feel negatively. perhaps the conflict was exacerbated by the communications taking place over text only. voice and facial expression might have helped convey a softer message, as was intended.
without airing dirty laundry or turning this into a mud-slinging competition, i'll just say that everyone has flaws. perhaps in the date's eyes, my flaws happen to be bigger/less tolerable. no right or wrong, it's individual perception. i am aware that certain things i do irk the date, which is why i do my best not to do them. things like...yelling at other cars, for example, or flipping them off. the only possible defense i have is that habits aren't broken easily. i've had my license for...7 years (goodness!). a 7-year habit won't be broken overnight, or in a week. probably not even in a month. and i guess it's this duration for habit-breaking up against the date's tolerance threshold. and regarding my other flaws...let's just say that 家家有本难念的经 - house house has a book of sutras that is difficult to read (literal translation). less literally, something about skeletons and closets. of course, i will be willing to open up and share everything with the date. maybe that will help them understand. i just wonder if this opening up will be reciprocated.
you know...i've said before that attraction is due to hormones and other chemicals, but love is a decision that is made and upheld/enforced whether on a romantic date, or when sick in the hospital. i generally stand by my decisions unless/until proven that it was a bad one. so far, i'm still not convinced that this is a bad decision. unfortunately, i can't vouch for the date. perhaps they will arrive at a conclusion after their alone time. in the meantime, here's my conclusion as of publishing this post: if there is anything for me to apologize for, it is for making the date feel bad when i put myself down. i can't apologize for communicating my feelings, especially when i did so respectfully and as a request, without hostility. i do not see how any of my other flaws are linked directly to this incident. and yes, i'm flawed, but less flawed than when we first started dating. not saying that i deserve a medal or want a commendation...only that there is some degree of improvement, and that can't be denied. rate of improvement is a different story.
last thing. i was reading about the secretary problem. it goes like this: you are looking to hire just one secretary out of a pool of n candidates. each candidate is interviewed individually, and the pool comes in random order. the decision to hire a particular candidate or not is made immediately after the respective interview. no second rounds. how do you choose the best candidate? after jumping through a mountain of maths which i'd be lying if i said i understood, the outcome is that you reject the first n/e (natural number e) candidates, rounded up, and choose the next candidate that surpasses all you've interviewed so far. it nets a 37% chance of getting the absolute best candidate. 37% is 1/e, by the way. so magical! and you obviously don't need this if n=1 or 2. i think you can see that very very broadly, it can be applied to people "interviewing" partners. but here's 2 problems. the first is that you don't know how many people you will date in your lifetime. and for unknown n, this method doesn't work reliably. if you somehow manage to overcome that, the second and more serious problem is that while searching for a partner, you are both interviewing and being interviewed. due to the random nature of the screening, you may fall into the rejection zone of the candidate which the method tells you to accept. and without mutual consent, it'd be hard to start a relationship, no? just a bit of food for thought. is the implication here that first relationships will never work out? because as long as n>1, you will have to reject someone. technically you can reject someone even if n=1. just remain single. but let's stick to the assumption that the position has to be filled.
time for bed. i drank the extra-strong coffee in the morning/afternoon; the effects should have worn off by now, right? only one way to find out. time to join 2 polar bears (one small, one big), 2 cats (one small in a dinosaur costume, one big), one medium dinosaur, and one medium ram in bed. hopefully sleep comes quickly.
the game had been glitchy in not allowing online vs. play. we tried twice before, without success. somehow, it worked that night, so we played. and i lost. expected. despite being expected, it was still upsetting. nobody likes to lose, right? even then, learning from my previous mistake, i maintained an even tone and replied the date normally, though without the usual emojis. admittedly, i got quite self-depreciating, perhaps bordering passive-aggressiveness...though i stated the facts - that i was a poor deck builder, that i couldn't anticipate everything, didn't have a good strategy, and needed way more to catch up to the date. although i lost, i got a decent start, by using my cards to kill of some of the date's creatures. and here's where the problem started. after i killed the date's creatures, they called me a bully over whatsapp. twice. second time in caps. i was displeased with this because if you look at it overall, how on earth could i bully the date? i thought of a chinese phrase/idiom that goes "恶人先告状", which google translates as "the wicked complain first". literal meaning aside, it's a metaphor for someone doing something (negative) and acting the victim. i suppose that in english, it's a hybrid of boy who cried wolf and pot calling kettle black? maybe not. to me, that was essentially what the date was doing. calling me a bully, then proceeding to decimate me. i feel that it's unfair, because it's like, you make yourself out to be poor and defenseless, and yet, you're the one with the firepower. doesn't make sense! so, i told the date that i didn't like it, and could they please stop. call me biased towards myself, but i think it was a polite, reasonable request. apparently not, because the date got upset. they said that they meant it as a joke, of which i have no doubt. thing is, it's not a joke if one party doesn't find it funny. i told the date that it sounded patronizing to me, and in retrospect, that may have been an incorrect choice of adjective to convey what i was feeling. i would like to emphasize that i did so politely, without using abusive language.
quick sidetrack. can you imagine if something similar happened in sports? like me telling (obviously smaller and weaker) white belts "don't bully me ah" as i throw them left and right. ok, granted that the sports analogy is a bit more extreme, because it is bordering physical abuse, with more lasting consequences. it would therefore be classified as LJ/CB behaviour - you choose whichever genitalia you like more. thankfully for card games, all that get hurt are feelings and pride.
somehow through the course of the night and the next morning, my request for the date to "please stop that" evolved to mean "i wanted to control everything the date said and how they played so that i could get the edge to win". first thought in my head: WHAT?? how does "what you are saying is upsetting to me" equate to "you want to control me so that you can win"?? the outcome of the game wouldn't change whether the date called me a bully or not, as i totally didn't comment on the date's plays at all. but i think not calling me a bully would allow me to lose without the sense of indignation at being labelled the bad guy...and an ineffectual one, at that! bear in mind: i played whatever i thought was best. i am not denying that i got outclassed, or that the date won fair and square. i don't see the link at all between the two statements, really.
but wait, there's more! you know that proverb about straws and broken camel backs? apparently, this was it. somehow, this incident led to the floodgates opening about how the date was dissatisfied with other areas of my personality, and in the way i handle situations, and in my interactions with certain people, and in my anger issue. it's funny how anger issue keeps cropping up. to quote a meme, "boy, that escalated quickly". just once, i would like to see myself through the date's eyes. either that, or find out how they see me. as a horrible person that they have to painstakingly shape into their ideal of a perfect boyfriend? i don't know.
oh. that was the reason i slept poorly last night. had all of 3 hours' sleep, from 1:30am to 4:30am, thereabouts. tossed and turned a bit before deciding to go to lab early. had a surprisingly productive day! though i needed a double-dose of coffee to keep me awake. i wonder if the canteen auntie can do kopi-o kosong gao gao on request? the date sent 9 messages over the morning, which i only read at lunch. figured i didn't want to be caught by surprise and drop my samples. apart from the whole controlling thing, they date was saying that they'd had enough and had to reconsider our relationship. talk about quick escalation! as of tonight, the date has said that they needed time...which i respect. so i'm just going to wait, i guess.
a mentor figure i briefly spoke with suggested that i try to see things from the date's point of view. ok...let's try. i'm playing with my date, and call him a bully as a joke. he takes it personally and tells me to stop. that makes me not enjoy playing the game, and i feel like i'm being controlled. i see that he lost the game, and seems upset from our text conversation. it's almost as if he's indirectly taking it out on me. i think he is letting his rage get the better of him and being a sore loser again. that reminds me of all his other flaws and i realize that i can't handle it any more. as a result, my mood is negatively affected as well, and no happy ending to the story. i'd better think twice if we should go further. how's that for an analysis? does it make sense? i can see why the date might feel negatively. perhaps the conflict was exacerbated by the communications taking place over text only. voice and facial expression might have helped convey a softer message, as was intended.
without airing dirty laundry or turning this into a mud-slinging competition, i'll just say that everyone has flaws. perhaps in the date's eyes, my flaws happen to be bigger/less tolerable. no right or wrong, it's individual perception. i am aware that certain things i do irk the date, which is why i do my best not to do them. things like...yelling at other cars, for example, or flipping them off. the only possible defense i have is that habits aren't broken easily. i've had my license for...7 years (goodness!). a 7-year habit won't be broken overnight, or in a week. probably not even in a month. and i guess it's this duration for habit-breaking up against the date's tolerance threshold. and regarding my other flaws...let's just say that 家家有本难念的经 - house house has a book of sutras that is difficult to read (literal translation). less literally, something about skeletons and closets. of course, i will be willing to open up and share everything with the date. maybe that will help them understand. i just wonder if this opening up will be reciprocated.
you know...i've said before that attraction is due to hormones and other chemicals, but love is a decision that is made and upheld/enforced whether on a romantic date, or when sick in the hospital. i generally stand by my decisions unless/until proven that it was a bad one. so far, i'm still not convinced that this is a bad decision. unfortunately, i can't vouch for the date. perhaps they will arrive at a conclusion after their alone time. in the meantime, here's my conclusion as of publishing this post: if there is anything for me to apologize for, it is for making the date feel bad when i put myself down. i can't apologize for communicating my feelings, especially when i did so respectfully and as a request, without hostility. i do not see how any of my other flaws are linked directly to this incident. and yes, i'm flawed, but less flawed than when we first started dating. not saying that i deserve a medal or want a commendation...only that there is some degree of improvement, and that can't be denied. rate of improvement is a different story.
last thing. i was reading about the secretary problem. it goes like this: you are looking to hire just one secretary out of a pool of n candidates. each candidate is interviewed individually, and the pool comes in random order. the decision to hire a particular candidate or not is made immediately after the respective interview. no second rounds. how do you choose the best candidate? after jumping through a mountain of maths which i'd be lying if i said i understood, the outcome is that you reject the first n/e (natural number e) candidates, rounded up, and choose the next candidate that surpasses all you've interviewed so far. it nets a 37% chance of getting the absolute best candidate. 37% is 1/e, by the way. so magical! and you obviously don't need this if n=1 or 2. i think you can see that very very broadly, it can be applied to people "interviewing" partners. but here's 2 problems. the first is that you don't know how many people you will date in your lifetime. and for unknown n, this method doesn't work reliably. if you somehow manage to overcome that, the second and more serious problem is that while searching for a partner, you are both interviewing and being interviewed. due to the random nature of the screening, you may fall into the rejection zone of the candidate which the method tells you to accept. and without mutual consent, it'd be hard to start a relationship, no? just a bit of food for thought. is the implication here that first relationships will never work out? because as long as n>1, you will have to reject someone. technically you can reject someone even if n=1. just remain single. but let's stick to the assumption that the position has to be filled.
time for bed. i drank the extra-strong coffee in the morning/afternoon; the effects should have worn off by now, right? only one way to find out. time to join 2 polar bears (one small, one big), 2 cats (one small in a dinosaur costume, one big), one medium dinosaur, and one medium ram in bed. hopefully sleep comes quickly.
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