Talking to a particular friend gave me an epiphany. this guy is someone whom i look up to as a mentor/big brother kind of figure. before our conversation last night, i think we hadn't talked for more than a year. it's partially because we aren't that close to begin with, and partially because he's living and working in australia now. even though the advice he gave was basically the same as practically everyone so far, ie. cut and run, he said one thing that had a greater impact on me than probably any of my friends in singapore could create. when i told him that cutting off all contact with the person would be tough initially, he replied, "yes it will be tough but if you had to reach out to me, someone you’ve not spoken to for eons, then you KNOW it’s bad". i suppose that *is* a really telling sign, and it should give me even more impetus to give this up completely.
i guess i have to find out what are the residual threads that i can't bear to cut just yet. the most obvious is physical, as i'm still attracted to them. but i can and should remind myself that there are people who look better, and who have better personalities to complement their looks. perhaps the reason i'm stuck here is because of their apparently easy availability, and because they said that they didn't mind my appearance. that's a demon i'll have to exorcise eventually. the next thread is a darker one, and it's a need for justice. you may disagree with me, but i want to see the person suffer for what they've done...ideally by having their heart broken. given their attitude towards interpersonal relations, and especially given their lack of interest in me, their heart won't be affected by anything i can do. want to stop seeing each other? "ok." i know that you've been lying to my face? "ok." get the hell away and don't contact me again? "ok." i might get "i'm sorry." if i'm really lucky, but you can see the general trend, right? someone else i spoke to says that i can take comfort in the fact that while i can potentially find a partner who will love/care for me as much as i love/care for them, this person will never know that feeling as i doubt that most regular people will be interested to commit similarly to pathological liars. that does bring a small measure of comfort, but at the same time, it's not guaranteed that i will find a partner for myself either. in that regard, i'll just have to do what i can and see if fate/luck smiles upon me. as for needing justice/revenge, i just want the person to be hurt somehow. and if their emotions are not a good target, the next best would be physical damage. not that i'd do anything like that; i'm not about to risk my future for an idiot. WAIT. i just thought of a way i could damage them emotionally. if i can't destroy them, i can destroy their image in their idol's eyes. i know who i could expose this to to make it hurt the most. but it's highly improbable, because the idol i need to get to is fairly popular and will probably not have time to entertain a random guy from half a world away. just a thought that i can entertain, and maybe something i can plot towards when either drunk and/or feeling particularly vengeful.
that's it right? i don't think there's anything else really keeping me from just leaving. to be fair, the above two factors can't really keep me from leaving either, they're just delaying the process. another friend of mine suggested that i try to get one last physical encounter out of this whole mess. i'm torn about that. i would hardly decline physical intimacy at this point, but i'm not sure if getting it from this person is the best way to go. i think my decision is becoming clearer. here's what i will do. i will wait until 6:00pm today. if i hear nothing from that person, i'll just block and delete. out of sight, out of mind. it will suck to miss out on the physical aspect, but i think that missing out is better for me in the long run. another reminder to myself: i am stronger and more resilient than i know. i just need trying enough circumstances to bring that side of me out. this qualifies, i think. should do one more of those "letter to myself" things. the last one i remember writing was just before beginning grad school. reading it made me smile. how young and foolish i was! so much has changed in the coming-to 5 years since that letter was written. but that's life. it goes on.
i guess i have to find out what are the residual threads that i can't bear to cut just yet. the most obvious is physical, as i'm still attracted to them. but i can and should remind myself that there are people who look better, and who have better personalities to complement their looks. perhaps the reason i'm stuck here is because of their apparently easy availability, and because they said that they didn't mind my appearance. that's a demon i'll have to exorcise eventually. the next thread is a darker one, and it's a need for justice. you may disagree with me, but i want to see the person suffer for what they've done...ideally by having their heart broken. given their attitude towards interpersonal relations, and especially given their lack of interest in me, their heart won't be affected by anything i can do. want to stop seeing each other? "ok." i know that you've been lying to my face? "ok." get the hell away and don't contact me again? "ok." i might get "i'm sorry." if i'm really lucky, but you can see the general trend, right? someone else i spoke to says that i can take comfort in the fact that while i can potentially find a partner who will love/care for me as much as i love/care for them, this person will never know that feeling as i doubt that most regular people will be interested to commit similarly to pathological liars. that does bring a small measure of comfort, but at the same time, it's not guaranteed that i will find a partner for myself either. in that regard, i'll just have to do what i can and see if fate/luck smiles upon me. as for needing justice/revenge, i just want the person to be hurt somehow. and if their emotions are not a good target, the next best would be physical damage. not that i'd do anything like that; i'm not about to risk my future for an idiot. WAIT. i just thought of a way i could damage them emotionally. if i can't destroy them, i can destroy their image in their idol's eyes. i know who i could expose this to to make it hurt the most. but it's highly improbable, because the idol i need to get to is fairly popular and will probably not have time to entertain a random guy from half a world away. just a thought that i can entertain, and maybe something i can plot towards when either drunk and/or feeling particularly vengeful.
that's it right? i don't think there's anything else really keeping me from just leaving. to be fair, the above two factors can't really keep me from leaving either, they're just delaying the process. another friend of mine suggested that i try to get one last physical encounter out of this whole mess. i'm torn about that. i would hardly decline physical intimacy at this point, but i'm not sure if getting it from this person is the best way to go. i think my decision is becoming clearer. here's what i will do. i will wait until 6:00pm today. if i hear nothing from that person, i'll just block and delete. out of sight, out of mind. it will suck to miss out on the physical aspect, but i think that missing out is better for me in the long run. another reminder to myself: i am stronger and more resilient than i know. i just need trying enough circumstances to bring that side of me out. this qualifies, i think. should do one more of those "letter to myself" things. the last one i remember writing was just before beginning grad school. reading it made me smile. how young and foolish i was! so much has changed in the coming-to 5 years since that letter was written. but that's life. it goes on.
-random thought of the day: Call the gym today, and bring the column up.-
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