You may recall this from a few previous posts...i usually have the car's help in ascertaining a person's character. like, if the person treats the car badly, or if the car behaves oddly while a person is in it, it's a sign to me. the car seemed ok with the ex-date, but something else happened which made me a little annoyed. remember how i said we met at the botanic gardens? well, i had trouble locating them that night, so i stopped by the roadside to call and arrange a location. we eventually found each other, of course. the thing i didn't realize at that time was that i had stopped at a no stopping zone. worse still, it was caught on CCTV. i received a bomb in the mail, amounting to a $120 fine and 3 demerits. nothing i can't handle on my own. as my friend told me before, any problem that can be solved with money isn't really a problem. the demerits are a little more annoying, though. there goes the perfect record. but well...i suppose they'll resolve themselves in time. demerits are erased after a one-year clean streak. that should be manageable for me.

last update was almost a week ago. things have gotten better in the past week, as in it hurts less. been finding ways to occupy myself, with lab and meeting with friends, mainly. there's been a tiny bit of progress with synthesis, so i'm grateful. i'm also settling into a daily routine. wake up by 6:30am, head to ritual for the 8:30am session (have to go early to beat the ERP and warm up), then shower and go to school, reaching by 10:00am to start lab work. i could really get used to this.

ritual has also been another source of positive distraction. i mean, other people don't really come to mind when you're sweating like a dog and trying to keep up with the routine. it's probably a bit too early to say this, but i feel that there's been some improvement. not sure how much of it is actual vs psychological, actually. i suppose there's some evidence, like i'm moving to heavier weights for some exercises, and more advanced versions of other exercises. so that's good. i'm also making better food choices, so that's another plus. unfortunately, results don't come overnight. have to judge based on long-term progress. guess my first check-in will be at the end of the year.

also, in the spirit of finding a tree in the forest, i'm putting myself out there again. it's not exactly easy...in fact, it reminds me a lot of cold-calling. but well...like one of the cat high old boys said, it's good to experience rejection now and then, so we don't become afraid of it. so far it's been a bit intimidating, but i guess i have the sense to screen the people i plan to approach, which makes it a little better.

right...i guess that's it for now? looks like i got to watch my spending a bit to accommodate the fine. and somehow, might be because of the traffic offence thing, or some other reason, but this person isn't looking so shiny any more. i wonder.

-random thought of the day: This too, will pass.-

Loss is bound to affect us in a negative way. the only difference is the magnitude of the negativity, i guess. what did i lose, you ask? my date. they didn't die or anything...just that we're not dating any more. i have pretty mixed feelings about this whole thing, and as you may be guessing, they're mostly negative. i suppose that i should recap events leading to the bomb.

i think the last you heard was that we had a date on national day, to watch the fireworks. that date ended on a rather unromantic note, with them telling me that they were having doubts, and maybe shouldn't have agreed to start dating. on monday, which was a holiday as well, i went to scary's house to play mahjong. of course, i told them about it. they didn't seem too happy, which made me think that there might be some deep-seated issues relating to gambling. didn't think too much of it at that time, but as the week progressed, they became so much more distant. they'd earlier mentioned that work was hectic, so i chalked it up to fatigue. at the back of my mind, though, the following thought persisted. no matter how tired you are, i'm sure you can spare like 2 minutes here and there in the day to check in with the person you care about, right? i know i would. but still, it messed with my head quite severely, to the point where i gave up any idea of serious lab work on friday.

sunday rolled along, and we were scheduled for a date. or i was, at least. i met them at citylink mall, and we walked to marina square. the first sign that something was off was that they were reluctant to maintain physical contact. we ate at this burger place in the basement. pretty good, though i felt that it was a tiny bit pricey. after that, we went to the open rooftop-type thing, which was finally accessible now that most of the renovations have been finished. i think i was more or less expecting something bad by then. so, in an unusually tactful move, i eased into things by bringing up mahjong. they said they were ok with me gambling, though it would probably result in net loss. then came the actual question..."so what is it that's been bugging you?". and that's when the bomb dropped. they said that they didn't think i was the one for them, because they were more fixated on the fireworks than on me that night. also, the feeling was wrong to them, and i felt more like a friend. they then followed up with an offer - let's take things slow, start off as friends first, and see if feelings develop along the way.

to be quite honest, it was better than my worst-case scenario, which involved an ugly scene, me in tears, and no hope of ever contacting them again. even then, it hurt, and still hurts. i thought that we had something good going on, but it turns out that it wasn't so. well...you can't force feelings. i guess all i can do is continue interacting with them, improving myself, and hoping that it'll feel right soon enough. at the same time, i should probably also not give up the entire forest for a single tree. problem is, i have to find the damned forest first.

before the date that wasn't really a date, i was feeling sufficiently screwed up, to the point where scary noticed something was wrong when she whatsapped me. how that woman deduced something was wrong from like 2 messages still baffles me. anyway, i met her on friday night, where she basically told me to give up on this person. she asked me 2 major questions: first, am i looking for someone, or anyone? second, how close is this person to my ideal person? for the first question, there is a difference, actually. i would really like to settle down with someone. but will anyone do? or am i waiting for the one? finding my soulmate/THE one would be nice, for something more intimate, both physically and emotionally. that's something that my friends, no matter how good they are, cannot provide. the second question made me compare this person to the image of the ideal person in my mind. not sure if my standards are low, or if that person's really that good, but i think there was a like...80% match. so i guess the next question is, do i settle for 80%, or keep searching for my 100%? granted, nobody's perfect, so i guess 95% will suffice. even that is some distance from 80%.

even more interestingly, both scary and another friend in the financial industry warned me of the same thing - that that person might be leading me on in hopes of "digging" me. no, it's nothing M-18. "digging" is used here as in "gold-digging". i can see why they're worried. person has told me that their current income is less than mine, and at the risk of sounding boastful, there's a good chance that my income will go up even more after i get my degree. plus i already have a car, so free rides at all odd hours are a possibility. i'm 50-50 on this. i mean, i'd send my friends home, so even if person and i are officially considered "just friends", it's something that i would still do. in the short span of time that we dated, our expenditure averaged out to about us going dutch, so that's fine and well. while i don't want to think too badly of this person, it COULD be that they're holding out in hopes that i'll become desperate, and that's when they know they've landed a big fish. it's like a 5% chance to me, so i'm not too worried there. but at the same time, i guess it's a good warning to keep at the back of my mind.

in retrospect, i guess we really did progress too fast. who the hell agrees to start dating on the first meet-up? us, that's who. seems to me now that the initial enthusiasm was built on attraction and just finding someone else who wouldn't mind to be with you. i guess we really have to get to know each other, since we share very few common topics. for instance, they like gaming on their phone, which i find to be too troublesome due to the small screen and weird controls. they don't do sports of any sort, so that's a no-no too. perhaps i should invite them to watch a judo competition? aside from that, our jobs are vastly different, and we kind of have different priorities. while all that doesn't exactly sound like a recipe for relationship success, if both of us are willing to give it a try, i suppose we might be able to make things work, or at least come to some sort of compromise. that's IF we agree to give it a try. at this point, i'm still willing, but them...not so much. well, all i can do is treat them like a normal friend, only perhaps message/call them a bit more than with my regular friends. i hope that over the days/weeks/months (hopefully not years), they'll see me for who i am, and like it. likewise for me to them.

analyzing the situation from a scientific/statistical point of view, let's say there are 500 potential soulmates in my life. that is to say, there are 500 "perfect" people with whom i'll be able to work out a lifelong relationship. given the number of people in the world (or just in singapore) today, how much filtering do i have to do to hit the jackpot? and what's worse - what are the odds that the very first person i date will turn out to be one of the 500? i'll tell you...close to zero. not impossible, but really really ridiculously difficult. does i mean that this person can't be the one? no, just that the odds aren't in favour of that possibility.

right now, i'm still feeling rather down. it's expected, but being expected doesn't make it any easier. i've been feeling tears in my eyes for most of the day, but i don't think i'm upset enough to cry. or i hope i'm not, at any rate. i'm also insanely thankful for my friends, who have once again been there for me when i needed them. it's amazing, you know? i really should be more appreciative of them.

well, i guess it just leaves me to end this post and head home, after i filter a product. most things are out of my control now. all i can do is be a friend to that person and pray that it's reciprocated in kind. perhaps, a good way to end this post would be to quote the blue lantern oath. "look to the skies, for hope burns bright!".

-random thought of the day: Not defeated yet.-

Balance is vital in all aspects of life. and being a libra, the sign of which is a giant set of scales, balance is naturally something i treasure quite a lot. it's been a bit tricky to achieve balance in my life recently, which might explain why i'm feeling a little out-of-sorts right now.

first things first, let me apologize for not blogging in something like 3 weeks. it's the longest hiatus in recent memory, and probably the second-longest one ever, only losing out to those taken during army time. somehow, blogging got neglected as i tried to reach a new equilibrium. and my desktop keyboard is misbehaving, so there's further disincentive to blog. incidentally, this blog has been around for 12 years now, since end-july 2003. that's a full chinese zodiac cycle! scale reference: there are primary school-aged kids on earth who are younger than my blog. well, I am getting old, so it's to be expected, i guess.

research has taken a bit of a hit, in the sense that i couldn't separate my reaction mixture cleanly. So now, i'm changing strategy to simplify the structure of the final compound by symmetrizing it. With luck, things will look up in a couple of weeks. there have been some occasions this past month where i've gone into lab and suddenly felt like not doing anything at all. might be due to progress not being as fast as i'd like. yet, it's kind of a trap. if slow progress makes me feel demotivated, i'll get even less work done, feel worse as a consequence, and repeat. hopefully now that summer break has ended, the back-to-school spirit will get to me and i'll find my second wind.

the biggest (in my view) piece of news in recent weeks is that i'm kind of seeing someone. we "met" online a while ago, struck up a conversation, and in what i consider a move of extreme trust, that person gave me their phone number. our chats then migrated to whatsapp, and we even had voice calls. got to love unlimited internet over wifi, especially since our record was 5 hours. there was a bit of a rough spot a couple of mondays ago (which i'll elaborate on later; it's quite important for context), but it catalyzed our first meeting/unofficial date. since then, we've been on 2 more dates, and at present, things are looking shaky, which worries me to no small extent.

perhaps i should give some background information first. this person has admitted it - they're rather superficial. and i'm the first person they're dating who doesn't conform to their ideal/preferred body type. the disagreement on that monday was kind of related to that, in the sense that i guess i never explicitly said that i wasn't built like a swimmer. so there may have been some assumptions on their part. i don't know who's to blame - them for assuming, or me for not clarifying in the first place. i honestly thought it was a passing remark. but anyway, things somehow fell (or got pushed) into place, and we met on that thursday. i treated it more like a confrontation...you know, here i am, take me for me or leave it. you see why i didn't get much work done in lab that week...i was too busy stressing over the meeting! to my utter shock (and later happiness), that person had earlier decided to give it a shot, and treated it as a date. i guess it'll be one of those things i'll always remember...walking with that person in the botanic gardens that night, and sitting down beside each other to talk. it felt nice.

since then, we've been on a couple more dates. over the long weekend, we went to buona vista and sentosa boardwalk on friday (i had to do some stuff in lab, and person stays in bukit batok - reasonably close by), followed by marina barrage on sunday to watch the fireworks. of course we've still been chatting and checking in on each other via whatsapp throughout the day as we go about our routine - them at work, me in lab, which is kind of nice. thing is...it feels like the (remarkably short-lived) honeymoon period is ending/over. like, their messages are less playful, more down-to-earth, and are starting to sound a bit more like obligatory check-ins than something they want to do to share their day with me.

worse than that, i get the feeling that they are still struggling with the physical appearance thing. actually it's not a feeling. they've said it in no uncertain terms. after fireworks, too. what rotten timing, and i'm sure you can imagine what a damper that was for the mood. now before anything, let me just place a giant disclaimer. this is not rational scientist/love expert me. this is stupid, infatuated, bordering-desperate me. so please try to understand that as you read on. currently in my mind, there are 2 sides to the argument. first: people have their preferences. some guys like girls with short hair, for example. some girls like guys with facial hair. that's all fine and well, really. but at the same time, does that mean the guy is justified in totally ignoring long-haired girls, or the girl is justified in totally ignoring clean-shaven guys? yes, it's justified, just that these superficial people tend to lose out by letting someone ideal for them in every way but appearance slip by. i'm of the opinion that physical appearance does matter...but it should not matter to the extent where people are screened solely based on it, or that it somehow subtracts from the overall person. unfortunately, most people rely on their eyes the most, and physical appearance therefore matters a lot. and rational me would say that if a person can't look past physical appearance to discover the gem underneath, that person is probably not with the time and effort. i'd rather date an average-looking person who's amazing and shiny, as opposed to a model who's rotten to the core. of course if someone is ugly in both body and spirit, then i'm sorry. can't help there.

someone said life is 10% what others do to you, 90% how you react to it. upon understanding that person felt thusly conflicted, i naturally wanted to remedy the situation. of course, i'm not doing it solely for them, because i believe that you shouldn't change just because someone told you to. you have to recognize/accept that there's a need for you to change, not just to suit the other person, either! for my case, i'd thought about healthy living even before meeting this person (hence the ritual membership), but this is an additional push, i guess. even then, there's only so much i can do. this type of thing takes time and effort. it's not like hairstyles, where a trip to the hairdresser takes minutes and the only effort you have to make is to try and stay awake/not move too much. right now, i feel like there's a time limit, like i have to look a certain way before the person loses interest. scientist me knows that that's not right, that a relationship shouldn't have this kind of condition attached. even infatuated me knows, in the back of my mind, that that's not right. and yet, i'm still accepting the challenge.

on the other hand, there have been ups as well. i feel that all physical appearance issues aside, we click reasonably well on an intellectual level, and we're comfortable around each other. spending time with them makes me feel happy and content, though the occasional stab of worry comes through. but for the most part, i enjoy our time together. they're physically affectionate too, which is a big plus. no, we haven't done anything M-18 yet. that's something we both agreed on, by the way. we figured that we should get to know each other before reaching that level of intimacy. right now, we're exclusively dating each other. scared me like hell to ask, but i was so happy when they agreed, and told me that they were happy i asked. i guess that counts for something, yes?

the thing that really scares me is that i can feel the balance of the relationship shifting. i don't mean that the other person doesn't care about us, although signs are increasingly pointing that way. rather, i mean that i'm being ridiculously careful not to upset the other person (like walking on eggshells-careful), and it seems to be a bit of a one-way street. you know it's bad when you debate whether to message a simple "hi" just to check in. not to mention that there have been several requests to take it slow. i don't think we're progressing all that quickly. like one date a week, plus daily messages. i think this weird feeling of reluctance (on their part) started after the fireworks thing, because when i called them today, there was this feeling that some things weren't being said. if it were rational me giving advice to a friend in my situation, all the signs would lead me to say, "drop this person". but since i'm on the other side of the situation now, i can understand why holding on is so natural. how often do you have interest in a person who also has interest in you? i think i can now better understand my friend, who's been bending over backwards to accommodate his girlfriend. and i can scarily foresee myself doing the same for this person...even though we're not official yet.

i don't know, i really don't. i suppose i should focus on the positives, that this person is still willing to date me, and that there has been no mention of stopping yet. in the meantime, i guess what i can do is work on whatever i can, and as long as i've tried my best, i hope the person can see it and perhaps look past the physical? whatever it is, i won't go down without a fight...both for this, and for research.

-random thought of the day: Reaction failed. Bummer.-

More conflict just happened recently. whatever happened to trying to live a drama-free life!!?? but aside from that thing (which i'll elaborate on soon), most other parts of life have been good, so that's a point of gratitude. for instance, my professor seems pretty pleased with my research progress despite the lull from the japan trip. just have to make a few more precursors and separate a crude mixture. i think we're close! perhaps in another month or so, if all goes well. it's important enough that my professor says once the compound is out, and we verify that it works as intended, it'll be sent for publication immediately. no cell testing, animal testing, or whatever. that really gives you an idea of how much of a potential impact it has, if you're in the know about how hard it can be to get your professor's consent to submit a piece of work.

another thing to be kind-of happy about is that i finally overcame the inertia, fear, trepidation, and various other inhibitons, and went down to ritual for a trial. i'd done a fair bit of research about the place already, so there wasn't anything really new or shocking. there were a few bonus nice touches, like an amazing locker/shower room, where the lockers came with USB ports and cables for phone charging. the staff were extremely nice, patient and friendly, too. but then again, i'm a paying customer (the trial costs $50, instead of being free like i'd posted previously - my mistake) so it's somewhat expected. that's why i'm often skeptical about service staff being nice. truly nice people (like me) are nice to you even when they have nothing to gain from being nice...but i digress. i had a postural assessment and my first session. according to the nice coach who assessed me, i'm slouching too much and using more of my right side. understandable, because i'm right-handed. the slouching thing was a bit of a surprise. i'm sure that i don't have model-like posture, but i thought that judo would have helped to refine my posture to some extent at least. or maybe without judo, i'd be a hunched-over wreck by now. who knows? the session itself was killer. it lasted for only 20-ish minutes, but i was completely wiped out by the end. and even though i had SJI/CJC training earlier in the day, i don't think it affected anything all that much. may have died a little less badly, but would have still died nonetheless. in fact, i remember one of the coaches asking me, "how're you doing?" after the workout ended. my response, predictably, was, "dying". i am grateful, though. it gave me this inner burning feeling that lasted for most of yesterday. i guess that's a good sign? at least it felt like one to me. i think it's my body doing something in response to the sudden shock of going up so many notches in activity. would have gone down today too, but they're closed on sundays.

i'm still early in the trial, but i've more or less decided to sign up for 6 months, off-peak. it seems to be more expensive after factoring in parking, ERP, and other assorted charges, but i have to remember that i save overall due to the difference in membership package prices. that's an occasional flaw of mine, that i forget to look at the big big picture. i suppose in the worst-case scenario, i can pay the difference to convert to a full membership sometime along the way. for this trial period, my plan is to go in (almost) every day and find a time that suits me, along with doing some data collection about traffic volume, ERP times and charges, parking rates and availability, etc.

alongside the exercise part, another major lifestyle change i have to make is my diet. i don't think that i eat super unhealthily or super excessively, but i do acknowledge that much much more can be done to improve/optimize my eating habits and food choices. they have this thing called the "grub guide" which teaches you to reset your body and optimize its fuel consumption. first thought: i wish i could do that for the car. maybe that's what servicing's for? as far as my body's concerned, i guess i'll try to complete phase 1, which lasts a month, then see how i feel from there. should maybe consider a trip to the supermarket too, to stock up on some healthy alternatives in which NUS canteens are lacking. at the same time, i don't think i'll do the eat clean thing 100%. it might be achievable in japan, but here? not so much. definitely not impossible, just probably not worth the extra hassle. i don't know. on the other hand, it might be therapeutic to have a food prep/cooking day. we'll see.

that person is the root cause of how all this got started. strangely, we haven't talked at all in the past week. misaligned schedules, probably. saw them on skype today, but didn't initiate conversation as i was headed for judo class. as time goes by, i become less sure of whether anything will come out of it at all. signs point to no as of now. perhaps it's a hint that i should improve myself before trying any of this socializing stuff...you know, look inwards before looking outwards. too bad i made this discovery just today, because the conflict (which happened on friday) kind of revolves around this issue.

remember sometime last year, i tried to mediate a conflict between 2 of my friends? the gist is that one friend did something which the other friend had issues with, and didn't apologize to the other friend's satisfaction. things them snowballed from there. throughout my conversations with the friend who had had the thing done to him, i always asked, "is there anything anyone could do to make it better?". the answer was always more or less, "build a time machine and ensure that the issue leading to the conflict never happened" ie. "no". previously, i'd thought that my friend was overreacting and being rather stubborn. it's thanks to this conflict that just happened to me, that i finally came to understand why he replies in this way. you see, most conflict that arises from material damage can be fixed. just replace the thing in question. like if you lose or damage something i lent you, get me a new thing. of course, it's not always easy or cheap, like if someone were to wreck my car, or if i were to destroy something limited-edition or something with great sentimental value. but somehow, some of the damage can be mitigated with a duplicate of the thing, if duplication is possible.

things completely change when knowledge/information is involved.

you see, you can't un-know something. students (myself included) may disagree. in fact, i have extremely limited recollection of the whole partition function and boltzmann distribution thing from year 2 physical chem, for instance. but when it comes to something simpler, eg. "so-and-so's parents are divorced", "his partner cheated on him", "he beats his wife", "she's a drug addict"....people don't forget these things easily, because they're easy to remember due to their "juicy" nature. as you smart people may have already guessed, my conflict involves information, as did my friends' conflict. trying to avoid airing too much dirty laundry here, so let's just focus on the present case. the long story short is that someone knows something about me that they should not know. normally i'd still be somewhat ok with it and pretend that nothing happened...just that this person had to flaunt the knowledge in my face, despite my previous indication that i wanted my privacy, and would tell them on my own terms. i swear, each new conflict lets me discover that my anger can reach new heights. it is seriously the first time in probably a decade where i have contemplated physical violence as an actual possibility. not even the whole "person" saga, my professor leaving, or even the judo situation got me this worked up. i often say that i am an open book to people close to me, and that hasn't changed. the information in question is known to my closer friends. even then, it took me like 3 years minimum to tell them. the big big problem here is, this person involved in the conflict isn't close to me at all! it pisses me off so bad, knowing that a virtual stranger knows some pretty personal/intimate details. perhaps that was the reason for skype-person's reservations about getting to know me as more than just a screen name. i didn't see it at that time, but i do now.

my usual next step is to ask what can be done to make things better. in this case, that thing would be for that person to forget what they know. but that's impossible. my next best option: that person undergoes a lobotomy or somehow gets amnesia. amnesia can be faked, though, so they'll have to undergo some tests. and by "tests", i mean "batman interrogation techniques". if the person really has forgotten, they will be incapable of giving anything up, even under (extreme) duress. think along the lines of hanging upside down off an overhead bridge, or getting a few joints/bones broken. or maybe they can fake it that well. i don't know, and i wouldn't care by that point. so, yes. i finally understand the whole time machine thing. i'm due to talk to one of my friends, who knows this person, about the whole issue tomorrow. i hope i don't blow up at the wrong person. my friend's innocent, after all.

might be due to this, or the heat, or some other reason, but i haven't been sleeping well. currently averaging about 5 hours a night for the past 3 nights. in a sense it's good, since i get up earlier. should probably try to sleep now, since i have a new morning ritual (pun intended!) to get used to.

-random thought of the day: What a memorable (aka. sucky) first attempt at socializing.-

Given a choice of being let down or led on, i will always choose the former...unless someone can lead me on until i die, which doesn't seem possible. no matter how painful it was at that point in time, at least the hurt doesn't really persist, and the healing process can begin sooner. kind of like ripping the bandage off a wound. being led on results in even more damage, especially when things fall apart, and you realize that a lot of it could have been prevented if the person doing the leading-on had simply been honest with you at the start. so yes. no matter how brutal it is, i will choose to be let down.

that kind of happened tonight, actually. was on a skype call with that person, and they kind of mentioned that they weren't feeling it. "it" being an attraction/desire to know more and take things to the next level. which is ok, i guess...the feeling is there between certain people, and not between others. it does suck on some fundamental level, i'll admit, to hear that the other party isn't feeling things as strongly as you are. but well. at the same time, i also told them to at least give it a try. it's a scientist thing, i guess. i remember a quote from my previous professor - "chemistry" actually means "chem is try". there is a huge difference between no results and no positive results. so, if we do give it a shot, and if things don't work out, i'll probably accept it more readily, as opposed to wondering about the maybes, what-ifs, and all that from not even trying. at the same time, people aren't chemicals. if an experiment fails, it just means that either the reagents aren't reactive enough to react with each other, or the person performing the experiment made a mistake somewhere. for interpersonal relationships, there's always a factor of bias. like, if i have a preconceived notion that interacting with someone is/will be somehow undesirable, i will naturally treat that someone worse than say, my best friend...which makes it kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy in the end.

does love at first sight really exist? let's say you're walking down the street, you lock eyes with someone, and both of you feel a spark. is that really love? i'd say it's more attraction than love. and considering that the phrase is "love at FIRST sight", there's so much you don't know about that person! maybe one of their character traits or habits is a deal breaker? so there really isn't a relationship that's perfect from the get-go; both parties have to work at it. whether it succeeds or not depends on how much both parties are willing to work on it, i think. and this is one of those rare cases where it actually matters who does the work. one partner can't be giving 100% while the other gives 0%. it doesn't average out, unfortunately. both people have to contribute.

i'm actually not sure how things will go from here. sure, i want us to be friends at the very least. i hope that tonight's conversation doesn't/didn't close even that possibility off. people often say, "find a partner who loves you more than you love them". as selfish as it sounds, i can see why. but then, you can't control who you like, right? i guess the logical/practical thing for me to do now would be to move on and search for other fish in the sea, which is so much easier said than done. me and my stupid one person at a time mentality. instead of doing that, i'm going to hold on and wait until the experiment is done to see the result. i guess only then will i be able to move on. but for now, i guess i'll just try to maintain what we have going, and (as stupid/desperate as it sounds,) hope/pray that things will take a turn for the better.

-random thought of the day: What's the similarity between finding a parking lot and finding someone?-

Napoleon (or some other great general-type figure) once said, "there are 2 ways to lead people, either by inspiration, or by fear". at least that's what i remember the principal telling us during one of those morning assembly stories in secondary school. i expect that i messed the quote up and/or attributed it to the wrong person, but i suppose the message is still retained. to rephrase it a bit, you can either encourage people to do something, or scare them into doing it. often times i find that motivation works better, though there are some special people who won't work without a kick to certain parts of their anatomy. anyway. the reason i'm bringing that up is because "meeting" this person kind of gave me that proverbial kick to get into shape.

hang on. let me kind of quantify/explain that bit. it's something which i find not-entirely correct; you shouldn't have to change yourself to suit your partner or someone you're interested in, unless the change improves you in some way. personally for me, i find that as long as everything in my body works as it should (in that i'm healthy most of the time), and as long as it can keep up with what is required of it (daily life, lab work, occasional non-intensive judo), i have no problem with it and am usually happy with what i have. at least i can accept it. but at the same time, other people may not share that view. to be a bit more realistic, people rely on their sense of sight the most. so, first impressions are usually formed based on looks. and i don't suppose many people would fall in like with someone whom they found to look not-nice. i'll have to admit that i am kind of guilty of this too. but somehow, when you perceive your own standard as low, your expectations become correspondingly lower, which is why it usually doesn't show up. and i constantly remind myself to see people for who they are, not how they look, which i hope helps somewhat. of course, i can't expect others to do the same for me, although it would be nice. and i suppose the best friendships happen when people take the effort to look past what's on the surface.

unfortunately, a potential relationship isn't just a friendship. there's more at stake, i think, which is why people are more careful/cautious when it comes to deciding on matters which concern relationships. and i guess it's somewhat similar to a job interview or sales pitch...you want to give the other party (potential employer or maybe business partner) the best impression you can give...without faking anything, of course. that's another thing i have a problem with, artificial people. so i'm not going to pretend to be a morning person, or some other thing which i'm not. at the same time, i think it's beneficial to present the best side first. so in a way, i'm being both motivated and scared into doing something about it, for fear of losing this chance.

previously, i've made several failed attempts to kickstart a physical training regimen. the reason for that is that i lose steam in a couple of weeks or so. excuses come into the picture, like i have lab until late, i'm sore from the previous workout, whatever's convenient. i attribute this constant repeating pattern of trying and failure to 2 major factors (aside from my own laziness): no support, and nothing to work towards. i'm not blaming anyone, since i find that getting fit is a largely individual process. plus, nobody owes me anything, nor do i owe it to anyone to go about doing it. previously, i had short temporary goals, like dan grading. now that most of my goals/targets are not physical-based (and instead, focus on graduating on time), that kind of doesn't give me a reason to work out or stuff like that.

to address these issues, i've been thinking about signing up for a gym membership. yes, i know i can use the NUS gym for free. i've been there to look-see-look-see a few times, and while it's decently equipped, it's lacking in two things - expertise and a sense of community/camaraderie. don't even get me started on the crowds. in there, everyone's doing their own thing, and the reliability of any advice (if anyone bothers to give it) is questionable. NUS doesn't offer a sports science degree, after all, so it's hard to tell who actually knows what they're doing. and given my own half-assed knowledge, i think i'd be better off in the hands of professionals. so far, i've done a bit of research, and i don't think i'll be going for a "traditional" gym, like say, california fitness. i've actually been doing some research on this new (well, not exactly new by now) gym called ritual. it's a pretty interesting concept, revolving around the idea that they eliminate all possible excuses for you to not exercise. for instance, they have showers, so you can work out and leave the place feeling clean. but that's more or less standard in a gym. this place goes above and beyond by even providing exercise attire! and if you think you don't have the time for a session, each session only lasts 30 minutes. so including shower and even an after-workout smoothie, we're looking at like an hour, tops? the only possible excuse you could have is that it's too far, or that you don't feel like training, both of which are pretty non-substantial. if you're making those excuses, you're probably not going to succeed even with the best system in the world.

as you might expect, such a novel concept doesn't come cheap. i sent them an enquiry email a few months back, and got a price list in response to one of my questions. the prices are...kind of scary, to put it mildly. we're looking at above $3000 for a year's membership. sure, it translates to about $300 a month, but the thing is, it's unlimited. means you can go every day, or maybe even more than once a day (though it sounds like just one session will be more than enough to kill you). so assuming a person pays the membership fee and goes for, say, 4 classes a week, that translates to about $17 per class. sounds good, no? there is a cheaper off-peak membership, with more limited training hours. i figure that i can bend my schedule to accommodate their hours. at present, i'm thinking of doing a 6-month off-peak thing, which costs about $1300 paid upfront. apparently there's a discount if the fee is paid up in one shot as opposed to monthly recurring payments. if i go every alternate day (let's be less ambitious first), that will come to...about $15 per class. that's pretty reasonable, i think. there are a few hidden costs, though, in the form of transport costs (the gym is located near clarke quay, so i'll either have to take a train to and fro or park there), after-workout nourishment (slightly more expensive than a regular NUS meal). that's all that comes to mind now, but i wouldn't be surprised if i overlooked something. think i'll send them another email of questions, then arrange for a free one-week trial.

some more developments have come up on the potential-relationship front. i went for a gathering of secondary school friends (touched upon in the last post) and told one of the guys there about it. he thought that nothing would develop, and told me not to invest in it. his exact words, by the way. "invest" here meaning investing my feelings/emotions, and investing myself, too. it's too late, unfortunately. i don't know...how do you chase someone without investing yourself into the process? his advice was to keep it casual, and keep my options open. i see the sense in what he says, but i'm not capable of that somehow. it seems too...flighty/insincere. i'd rather concentrate all my resources on one thing (person, in this case), then move on wholeheartedly to the next thing if the first thing didn't work out. maybe that's why my previous professor said that i wasn't fully utilizing my time. talking with the person in question yesterday was also made me feel a bit conflicted. it's like they're becoming a bit distant. maybe it's their workload, or fatigue. the thing that kind of scares me is that my rational scientist side is raising some alerts that things don't look all that amazing and shiny...namely because that person mentioned going for coffee with someone attractive, which kind of annoyed me. i guess it's my damned fault, because i may have done something similar (introduce another person into the equation) a while ago. fair's fair, i guess. well. i suppose i shouldn't jump to conclusions in the absence of solid evidence. just take it easy and see what fate brings.

-random thought of the day: My resourcefulness scares me sometimes.-

Part of me was thinking of writing this post out, then scanning the pages and uploading them, as i'd done like twice before due to computer-lorry issues. my computer is fine, but somehow, there are some topics about which posts are better written than typed. the feel of the post becomes different, if that even makes any sense. handwriting is more intimate, i guess. but i guess laziness wins out in the end this time, not to mention the convenience of just typing vs. writing, scanning, cropping, and finally uploading. i will do some writing soon, though. feels like i need to exercise my penmanship muscles.

i have 3 prompts to clear. let's start with car. brief recap: i had a mental slip and hit the front of the car into a pillar in a multi-storey carpark which i'd been to countless times before. so i decided to get the whole front bumper replaced, since there were a few other existing scratches there already. and at the same time, i decided to change the license plate to a one-line one too. the annoying thing was that as i was sending the car into the workshop on monday before my flight, i scraped the bottom right side against a low-lying water main, causing more scratches. in my defence, it was dark and the water main was placed in an inconspicuous corner, which was in shadow. since i was already at the workshop, i asked them to fix it as well. fast-forward 10-ish days, and i went to collect it. as you know from the last post, i had to wait an hour for them to be done with other customers first. bear in mind that i went half an hour after they opened, and already had such a long wait. looks like i'd better call ahead for an appointment after the servicing which i intend to do there in august or so. i wouldn't complain about waiting time normally, but i was really in a rush. at least the wait was worth it. the car looks amazing! still getting used to the license plate, but overall i'm satisfied. the boss did tell me that there were some problems with the car, namely the engine mount (which another mechanic also highlighted before) and a bushing or bearing of some sort (new info). looks like the next servicing might cost me a bit more than normal. in fact, this session already cost more than normal. guess quality comes with a price, and singapore's best honda mechanic naturally commands a premium. it's to the extent where he charges GST, which means he earns $1 million in annual revenue or something like that. well, i guess it's somewhat reassuring (and painful on the wallet) to know that the car is in good hands.

the past weekend was quite eventful, in that my friend and his fiancee, his brother and his girlfriend, another friend and i all got together for bowling. still managed to hold my own, though i'm far from the best. interestingly, the brother's girlfriend is my primary school friend's sister. how much of a coincidence is that!? i like hanging out with this group of friends. it's amazing that we've managed to keep in contact since post-secondary school days. this coming saturday, they're setting something up with schoolmates whom i haven't met since sec 4 graduation, so...11-ish years. i THINK things should be ok.

minor change. due to some new developments, i'm not going to say much about the relationship issue. well, it's not exactly a relationship issue. more like a potential-relationship issue. to put it in a nutshell, we're getting closer after a minor rough spot yesterday. fingers crossed the upward trend maintains. we're scarily alike! i think this might be the one...provided we iron out our individual issues first. as the other person is fond of telling me, we'll see. have to play it cool and not be overly-attached. sounds like a plan.

-random thought of the day: Housekeeping check tomorrow.-

Back in lab for the first time in 2 weeks! well, i did come back for a little while to drop some souvenirs off last friday, but that doesn't really count since i didn't do any lab work. spent today doing a couple of work-ups and setting a new reaction. quite slack, by all accounts. also spent some time with my new minion, aka. honours student. i think we'll get along decently enough. expecting the pace to pick up a bit as the days go by, but for today and tomorrow at least, it's just reacclimatization.

now, about japan. in general, it was good for the most part. the company was mostly nice, food was amazing, sights were really something to behold. i guess that makes it a successful holiday by my measure. there were some things i wasn't really happy about, but i guess that they're more easily overlooked now that the whole trip's over. similar to last time, i think i'll try to do a semi-chronological thing.

my previous trips were either scheduled when i was on holiday, or when i had ample time to pack. this time...not so much. it's probably the most unprepared i've been for an overseas trip. i was so angry with myself for forgetting multiple things! like after i dropped the car off at the workshop, i realized that i'd left my phone cable or something inside, so my friend made a u-turn and i went to retrieve it. then, when we were at the airport parking lot, i realized that i'd forgotten my carry-on bag. worst thing is that it's not some small bag; it's big enough to hold 2 judo gi, a first-aid kit, and still have room to spare! can you even imagine how much of a moron i felt at that time!? ok, granted that there was barely anything in it at that time, and it was stuffed way back into the boot to make space for my main luggage. BUT STILL. such moron. had to inconvenience my friend further and ask him to go back once again to get the bag. it's my ridiculous good fortune that he's so patient. if i'm ever caught in a similar situation as the driver, i'll have to remember what he did for me, and be more forgiving. even then, it turns out that i still forgot my wallet (left it in the centre console of the car, which was covered). but no big deal, since i transferred my money and ID to my usual pouch-type thing for overseas use. i'd lose my EZ-link card and some other less important membership cards at most.

thankfully, we made it to the airport on time, and the rest of the flight process was rather painless, as was going to osaka and checking in. didn't really do much on the first day, since we were rather tired from almost 15 hours of travel. the second day was USJ day, and probably the highlight of the trip for me. went on the hollywood dream ride, and the backdrop, which was basically the backwards version of the hollywood dream. it was quite thrilling, especially since i hadn't been on a rollercoaster since...primary school? yes, i didn't have a childhood. oddly, the front-facing version felt more terrifying. maybe because we could see what was coming up next. the rest of the place was equally amazing, with various interesting attractions. the few that stood out to me were backdraft (a chemical plant catching fire...safety officer's worst nightmare), back to the future, spiderman, the entire harry potter place, minion mart, and the shark from jaws. was definitely worth visiting.

the next day was osaka aquarium and osaka castle. the aquarium was bigger than i'd thought, and had more than just fish and sea life. there were penguins and otters, for instance. and a huge scary-looking whale shark with the almost too-cute name of yuu-chan. oh, and a mola mola! it's real! i've got a pretty nice photo of my virtual fish alongside the description of its real-life counterpart, but it's in my friend's camera. towards the end of the aquarium walk, there was something like an underwater petting zoo, where they let us touch manta rays and (baby) sharks. quite interesting. since i'm not a diver, and have no intention to be, i guess that's the closest i'll get to deep-sea wildlife. osaka castle was just...big and grand. i guess if you've seen one japanese castle, you've seen them all. i don't regret going, though. got to meet a man with a trained falcon. i was quite afraid to take a photo with it due to the close proximity and the chance of losing an eye or something, but amazement eventually won out.

i think kyoto day 1 followed that. we went to arashiyama bamboo grove and fushimi-inari shrine. been to the latter, but not the former. the only (literal and metaphorical) damper that day was that it was raining. it was mostly a drizzle, but somehow, having to juggle an umbrella along with everything else was rather annoying. the bamboo grove was quite peaceful/tranquil, except for a horde of tourists. i'll leave you to guess where they were from. in addition to the aforementioned locations, we also went to see togetsukyo bridge, where i took some quite nice photos, and shigeharu knife shop, where my friend bought a nice hand-made knife. the guy even carved? hammered? my friend's name into the side of the blade. and since i was there, and since it was a rare opportunity, i got one too...with my name, even! call me stupid or whatever, but some chances come along only so often, and they should be seized. interestingly, that's something i want to elaborate on eventually. last item on that day's agenda was the legendary omurice. we walked 2km in the rain, lugging our purchases. took us about 40 minutes? so, so painful. the meal kind of made up for it, though the chef was rather grumpy and short because we arrived too early for our reservation. by some stroke of luck, the previous group was a no-show, so we got moved up. i talked to him for a bit, and picked up a few tips on making a nice omelette. i think my problem is that i don't have the right pan, and that my heat control is off. well, just have to keep working at it.

day 4 was nara day. since i'd been there before, i didn't really find it all that fascinating. deer were still cute, temple was still grand. we went back early to do some laundry and housekeeping. i think that this was easily our least eventful/most slack day, but it was a good break in the pace.

kyoto day 2 was on the schedule for day 5. we went to kinkaku-ji and kiyomizu-dera. been to the latter, not the former. the golden temple really lives up to its name. it's definitely worth at least one visit. only minor downer was the sheer amount of people. think there were a few tour groups there, which really caused congestion. and it was sunday. kiyomizu-dera was basically the same. as is my practice, i wrote an ema (small wooden plaque), wishing for happiness in general, and someone's happiness in particular. if things don't work out with this someone as well, i'll have to stop this habit, since my relationship with the previous person about whom i wrote imploded quite badly. we'll see. there was supposed to be a hot spring trip after the temples, but certain delays in schedule, plus another factor (which i'll talk about later) resulted in the idea being scrapped and us going to nishiki market instead. it was crowded. really crowded. but the thing is, japanese crowds are so much more tolerable! everyone does their best not to be a nuisance, unlike some people in singapore.

that wraps up the osaka portion. we took the shinkansen to tokyo on monday, and went to asakusa. as is my habit, i prayed and asked for a fortune at sensou-ji. the fortune was something like "delayed luck", which means that things will go my way, but probably not so soon. sounds about right, actually. headed to ikebukuro for the pokemon centre, where i managed to get my friend's pikachu-in-charizard. we met another friend of ours (who was supposed to be on the exact same trip as us, but got his feelings cheated) for dinner. i wanted to go to jomon, which is a rather popular izakaya, but some people didn't want to wait and didn't like the cramped space inside. so we all ended up eating at this other place, and i then separated from the group and went back to jomon for seconds. food was nice, but on the expensive side. would probably go back again despite the prices.

tsukiji on the morning of day 7! we got up at 5:45am, and got there at about 6:30am. sushi dai (supposedly the go-to place for good sushi) was already packed, with a queue going around the corner. not wanting to queue, we settled for another place selling seafood donburi. it was still ridiculously fresh and tasted great, but a small part of me still wonders whether queueing for sushi would have been worth it. i suppose i should be content with my lot, and perhaps plan better so that i can go for sushi on my next trip. following breakfast, we went to the kodokan, where we dropped in on the international department and gave them some omiyage before going to the museum. it's really a treasure trove of judo knowledge and rare items of historical significance. too bad photo-taking is prohibited inside. from here on, it was mostly shopping at ameyoko, which was rather uneventful.

wednesday was more shopping. i decided to break off from the rest, and went to the meiji shrine instead. was nice to finally get some alone-time and be around nature. it was raining again, but super super lightly. could have gone without an umbrella, but i didn't really want to risk falling sick in a foreign country. those 5-ish hours of me-time really helped to recharge my introvert batteries. and i got many nice scenic photos, which was an added bonus. finished off the day with a little tax-free shopping, in the form of a new phone case and cable. should have gotten another, shorter one as well. but well, i'll make do.

our last day was more or less last-minute packing, going to the airport, and catching our flight. rather routine stuff. thankfully, my mind focused that day, and i didn't forget anything. reached singapore in one piece, as did my luggage (which is on its last legs/wheels), and the box which i checked in. yes, apparently a box can not only be checked in, it can survive loading and unloading too! learnt something new. decided to overnight in the airport. figured that it would save taxi fare since i had to pick the car up at ubi the next morning. went to get the car, where i was made to wait for AN HOUR, then rushed off to distribute souvenirs, and to BPS for judo after that. so that about wraps up the details of the japan trip. i'll blog about this past weekend separately.

now, to conduct an AAR. like i said earlier, i enjoyed myself for the most part. but there were a few things that made me feel...less than happy. one thing was one of my friends, who backtracked on his decision to go to the hot spring when he found out it was clothes banned, and not clothes optional. now...it's not like i particularly enjoy nudism or anything (nothing to show off), but when in rome, right? so i was kind of annoyed that he didn't want to experience the local culture. but then, it's completely his choice, so i couldn't have forced him.

the next thing links back to my lesson from last time - when in doubt about someone, don't travel with them. this group comprised 4 guys (including myself) and a girl. the guys were easygoing enough, but the girl was a bit...difficult to handle. i respect her as someone senior to me, but sometimes, the way she said certain things really got on my nerves. i mean, teasing/joking is fine and all, but there were times where i thought that she was being unnecessarily mean. perhaps we just don't click well. that extends to our travel styles, too. for me, i'm ok with getting lost once in a while, or being a bit late, provided it doesn't mess up any reservations. for her, everything had to be precision-planned, and all the background research had to be done beforehand. was a little extreme for my liking. so, lesson learnt (again). i guess the maximum i can go with her is 5 days, and definitely not just the both of us. there definitely has to be some people to act as a buffer, or i might just lose it.

oddly though, i found myself getting a bit homesick towards the end of the trip. and bearing in mind how much i love japan, it's really REALLY odd. is it a case of being outside the comfort zone too long? or did i simply want the trip to end because i was getting too irritated with the people? i really don't know. but well, now that i'm back in singapore, most of the negative feelings have evaporated.

last point: my japanese language ability. it's true...language is a use-it-or-lose-it thing. i've deproved so much! basically i'm reverting to simple grammar patterns to express myself. fortunately, they still work. luckily, my listening is still reasonably ok, and i understand the keigo forms, which made things a bit easier.

to end off, i have the perfect theme song for this trip. here it is:

Simple Plan (ft. Taka) - Summer Paradise
Oh la da da da da
Yeah me and you in summer paradise

My heart is sinking as I’m lifted
Up above the clouds away from you
And I can’t believe I’m leaving
Oh I don’t kno-kno-know what I’m gonna do

But someday, I will find my way back to
Where your name is written in the sand

'Cause I remember every sunset (I remember)
I remember every word you said
We were never gonna say goodbye (goodbye)
Singing la da da da da
Tell me how to get back to (back to)
Back to summer paradise with you
And I’ll be there in a heartbeat
(I’ll be there, I’ll be there, I’ll be there)
I’ll be there in a heartbeat
(And I’ll be there, I’ll be there, I’ll be there)

My soul is broken, streets are frozen
I can’t stop these feelings melting through
And I’d give away a thousand days, oh
Just to have another one with you (with you)

Where real life can wait (real life can wait)
We’re crashing like waves (crashing like waves)
Playing in the sand (playing in the sand)
Holding your hand

'Cause I remember every sunset (I remember)
I remember every word you said
We were never gonna say goodbye (goodbye)
Singing la da da da da
Tell me how to get back to (back to)
Back to summer paradise with you
And I’ll be there in a heartbeat
(I’ll be there, I’ll be there, I’ll be there)
I’ll be there in a heartbeat
(And I’ll be there, I’ll be there, I’ll be there)

My memories are reminding me
The perfect night on the perfect beach
あの日の記憶をかき集めたとこで戻れやしない
The season's not the reason why
I fell in love with you in paradise
君が僕を思い出すたびに
And I’ll be there in a heartbeat

Someday, I will find my way back to
Where your name is written in the sand

'Cause I remember every sunset (I remember)
I remember every word you said
We were never gonna say goodbye (goodbye, goodbye)
Singing la da da da da
Tell me how to get back to (back to)
Back to summer paradise with you
And I’ll be there in a heartbeat

I remember when we first kissed
How I didn’t wanna leave your lips
And how I’ve never ever felt so high (so high)
Singing la da da da da
Tell me how to get back to (back to)
Back to summer paradise with you
And I’ll be there in a heartbeat
(And I’ll be there, I’ll be there, I’ll be there)
And I’ll be there in a heartbeat
(And I’ll be there, I’ll be there, I’ll be there)
I’ll be there in a heartbeat

-random thought of the day: Coming up next post...car, relationship, weekend.-

First-ever post from Japan! Didn't blog the last time I was here because our itinerary both started and ended late. This time, we're getting an early start to the day, and hence, also a somewhat earlier end. And since I didn't bring my laptop, I'm obviously blogging from my phone. The proper caps should have clued you in.

Ironically, I'm not going to be saying much about Japan yet. That'll happen when I get back to Singapore, and have had enough time to organize everything in my head. Instead, today's post is going to be about that person from the previous post.

Between then and now, we've had a few more conversations over Skype. Today's conversation was rather heavy, in the sense that this person told me that they weren't ready for anything beyond friends, and to keep everything casual. I suppose I can do that, but the thing that scares me is that I can't be the only one to recognize a good person, right? If I've seen such qualities in someone, someone else must have seen those same qualities in the person! I just wonder whether I'll be too late, or pushed aside. I suppose what I can do now is not think too much, and as much as I hate to have to do it, prepare for disappointment. I don't know. I'm tired and should probably sleep. Clarity might come in the morning.

Due to being busier in school from the change in labs, and also partially because of the residual negativity from last december, i haven't really been focusing on the relationship aspect of my life for the last 6-ish months or so. but over the past couple of weeks, i've kind of taken a plunge and "met" someone online (take a quick judgement break here if you need to). "met" is in quotes because we've not physically seen each other yet. we've been talking back and forth sporadically, leaving messages for each other since the platform doesn't have a dynamic/live chat function. earlier this evening, we finally moved to skype (just text chat only), and i must say, it was like talking to myself. not because the other person was unresponsive, but because we were so scarily alike! if i didn't know that science and technology wasn't advanced enough, i'd have said that it was like talking to a clone of myself, or me from a parallel universe. even then, clone-me and parallel-me might not even come close, because of the random nature of how a person's character is shaped due to environmental influences. but there's no better way to put it...none that i know of, at least. anyway, bottom line is that we clicked really well, and that leaves me optimistic for future developments.

at the same time, i should temper my excitement with a reality check. bearing in mind that we have yet to meet in person, the face which we've conjured up to associate with each other's screen name may (and most likely will) be completely different from reality. and as for us clicking so well, it might be that we're still more cautious, exploring the limits of what's safe for conversation and what isn't. seems like pretty much nothing is off-limits, based on today. it's refreshing, to meet someone so candid. it's also a far cry from all the lies, secrets, and behind-the-scenes ministrations and manipulation that happened during the december thing. i really think that even if we don't end up together, we can be good friends. but that's what i said last time about "advisor" too, and we haven't been in contact since that meeting at starbucks in january. so, who knows? but this time, i'm way more hopeful. this new person is all about honesty and clarity, which is the polar opposite from tact and indirect allusions. i like it! the only mild annoyance is that i look like an idiot from the stupid goofy smile that comes across my face every 10 seconds or so. and guess what? it's happening to the other person too!! that's a good sign if i ever saw one. guess i should focus on being realistic, and not build this person up to be greater than they are. at the same time, i should manage my expectations and accept that things still have the potential to go awry. but i suppose it doesn't hurt to look on the bright side, as long as i remember that the dark side still exists.

on a related note, i was just thinking how i would know when i'd found the right person. most people will tell you that it's a feeling you get, or that some action that this person does will make you realize that they're THE one. for me, i think that while those are possible/feasible indicators, the one that i thought of, and that i think would apply especially to me, is that i would know someone is the right person when i wouldn't hesitate to let them meet my closest friends, meaning the chem kids, my JC friends, and a couple of secondary school friends. with "person", i somehow felt reluctant, which should have been another indicator that nothing would come out of the whole thing. but let's not dwell on that. this person, however...definitely not now, but if this upwards trend maintains, maybe by the end of the year? once again, reminder to self not to set any goals. just let things happen and go with the flow.

because our chat was really enjoyable, none of us wanted to end it...until the other person finally gave in to fatigue and called it a night. the whole thing lasted about 3 hours! best part was that there were very few lulls in the conversation, and when they occurred, they were short. i haven't chatted with one person continuously like this for such a long period of time since MSN messenger was taken offline! an unfortunate consequence is that i'm set back 3 hours for packing my stuff, which i haven't started on yet even now. not smart. guess i should do it before sleeping tonight. that sounds feasible.

-random thought of the day: Airport in less than 24 hours!-

Whenever bad things happen, i always try to remain optimistic. a particular motivational speaker says to see the humour in every situation. sometimes it works for me, most times it doesn't. i find that that requires more positive thinking than i'm capable of at the point when bad things happen. so i'll settle for seeing the silver lining in the stormclouds. that usually works out decently enough.

today, that ability REALLY came in handy. first, a short digression. recently, like in the past few weeks, i've noticed that my driving has become somewhat less steady. it's like i'm not making snap decisions quickly enough, or misjudging certain distances. i thought driving skills only improved with constant use!! maybe i exhausted my good driving karma or something. anyway, i did something really stupid. and i mean REALLY stupid. newbie driver kind of stupid. you know those HDB multi-storey carparks, where you go straight, then up a slope, then straight again, up again, etc. etc. until you find a lot? well, while turning to go up one such slope in one such carpark, i accidentally whacked the car's bumper into a pillar at the side of the ramp. don't ask me how it happened; i don't know myself. i've parked at that carpark more times than i can remember, and i've even parked at more challenging carparks (novena square and TTSH come to mind) with no problems. anyway, the result is that my front bumper now has a pretty long scratch running down vertically, and the sides have deformed and flared out. i managed to push them back into place, but there's nothing i can do about the scratch. so, since it's gotten to this stage, i figured that it was time i changed the bumper outright. thankfully, my car enthusiast friend had car plans for the afternoon, so i tagged along to his preferred workshop to see what they could do for me. turns out that they can replace the entire bumper for me, and spray it so that it matches the rest of the car. bumper costs about $200+, spray-painting costs another $200+, leaving my wallet severely impoverished. ordinarily, i'd be able to tank it better, but with a significant amount of money sunk into the japan trip, my finances are a tiny bit tight this month. that's not to say i can't afford it, but i'll be stretched a little thin. well...nothing to worry about. i'll definitely be able to survive until next pay day. just hope that my headlights are ok from the collision, and that there won't be additional cost from having to get them fixed. thankfully i didn't go back to kah motor to do the job. when i scratched the bumper the first time, i asked them how much a replacement would cost. they told me that all in, it would set me back about $900. i imagine that the parts are the same, and the process is identical. so why is the service centre charging me almost double!?? ok, maybe the workshop uses second-hand parts. assuming the labour costs remain the same, does a brand-new bumper really cost $700+? i doubt it. so, i've more or less decided not to go back to the dealer for this kind of repairs.

and since i was set on getting the bumper replaced, i decided to do up a new license plate as well. ok, i'll admit it. this is purely cosmetic and somewhat of a waste of money. but i figured since my friend knows the workshop, and since we were there together, and since our schedules don't often align like that...why not? the key difference between the old license plate and the new one i commissioned is that the new one has all the characters on the same line. the old one has the numbers and last letter below the 3 starting letters. it's supposed to be more japanese in style, but somehow i like everything in one line. i think a thinner/narrower license plate looks nicer. so that's a bit more money wasted. nevertheless, i'll make it through the month ok.

coincidentally/interestingly, someone up there must be looking out for me. every time i've messed up with the car, i'm always sent a reminder that it could have been so much worse. i dropped my friend's friend off at another workshop for him to collect his car. and as i was leaving to go back to bishan, i passed a tow truck which was towing a car that had had its front totally smashed in, probably due to a high-speed collision/accident. if the car had sustained that kind of damage...i'd probably just cry. even more so since i'd just finished paying for the car. it was a nice (well, not nice-nice, but you know what i mean) and much-needed dose of perspective. can't help but feel heart-pain for that car's owner...unless s/he was the moron who was responsible for the accident in the first place.

a few posts back, i wrote about how i didn't really have anyone to rely on. emotionally, that may still hold true, but 2 friends really really came through for me today. the first one is the aforementioned car enthusiast friend, who basically calmed me down, told me what to do, introduced me to a solid workshop, and was there for me from start to finish. without him, i might have had to wait until after japan to get it fixed. but thanks to him, i'm going to be leaving the car in the workshop for the 10 days that i'll be away. this is good because (1) i won't experience any car downtime, and (2) they'll have ample time to fix it up. the second friend's contribution is no less valuable...he's offering me about an hour or two of his time, and his services to drive me to the airport on monday night. perhaps i should go through the plan here; that might clarify things. before this unexpected development, the plan was to leave the car in school and take a taxi or train to the airport, or in the best/worst-case scenario (best for me, worst for whoever i asked), ask someone to send me there. i wasn't intending on doing that unless i was desperate. thanks to my screw-up, the plan became slightly more complicated. i'll go to lab like normal on monday (not going back tomorrow any more), where i'll clean up my area and print the necessary stuff i need for japan, then leave lab around 6:00pm or earlier to beat traffic. i'll then go to ubi, first to pick up the license plate, then to the workshop to drop the car off. reminder: take cashcard, ATM card, and other assorted valuables. not that i don't trust the workshop staff, but it avoids misunderstanding. i think they'd make me take everything anyway if i forgot about it. my friend will then drive down to the workshop to meet me, and we'll set off for the airport, where i plan on buying him dinner or something as thanks. if all goes well, and accounting for traffic, i should reach the airport at 9:00pm latest, an hour before the scheduled meeting time. sounds good, right? here's hoping everything goes according to plan, and that i don't forget anything. the last thing i need is to inconvenience my friend by asking him to drive me back home, or worse, back to school to pick something or another up. sounds good. so yes, i'm once again reminded that there ARE people looking out for me, and who are willing to come to my aid. i'm also reminded that these people care for me, and that i should be a bit less hesitant to ask for help when i really need it. does my heart good to know that.

instead of going to lab tomorrow, i'll devote the extra time to packing. worst case is the packing will spill over to monday, and i'll go to lab late. i think i have things under control for now. just have to remember to take some stuff up from the car for packing. i can do this!

Normally, i'm not one to celebrate festivals. even CNY, the biggest event in the chinese calendar, is practically a non-event to me. but yesterday, my professor brought home-made dumplings to celebrate the dumpling festival aka. the dragon boat festival aka. duan wu jie, which is today. apparently, his mother is still active in the kitchen, and based on what she's cooked for us so far (chicken curry and the aforementioned dumplings), her skills are impressive. it's a very minor quality of life thing, and he's not obligated to do any of this for us. but i'm really happy that he did. i haven't had homemade dumplings in more than 10 years! in contrast, the most festive thing my old professor did was red packets during CNY. it's still a nice gesture, but somehow it feels less personal. then again, he doesn't have relatives in singapore. well...the past is the past.

actually, on the topic of the old lab, it seems that i'm going to have a publication from there! nothing that big, just something in tetrahedron (a pretty low-impact journal), and as either third or fourth author, which reduces my "value" in (and apparent contribution to) the work even further. can't say i really contributed that much to that project to begin with (like one compound for a catalyst and proofreading of the paper), but i guess that any-numbered author in any publication is still better than no publication. and i suppose it's the only tangible thing i can show for my 3 years there, aside from the organic synthesis skills and knowledge of the NUS safety system, of course. but those aren't really tangible, are they? well i guess they kind of are, when i have to apply them to make a compound, or get the lab through a safety audit, for instance.

my current research is looking up. found a synthesis route which gives much better results. in fact, i've got part of the molecule attached to platinum! but i'm still not that close to the finished compound. you see, the entire compound is made of 3 parts: part a, part b, and platinum. my previous synthesis routes all focused on linking part a to part b, then adding platinum in the last few steps. this new route involves adding part a to platinum, then adding part b at the end. i don't anticipate too many problems, although i just thought of something that might complicate matters. well...we'll see how that goes. if this method doesn't work, i have another idea which i think has potential.

before all of that, though, i'm off to japan! or i will be, come this monday night/tuesday morning. it's resulted in me not having much mood for lab work these past 2 days. in fact, i've only set up some simple reactions, which i'll work up on monday before flying off. and although the flight is something like 60+ hours away, i still have a pretty long to-do list for the trip. first item: find passport. i know it's in 1 of 2 plastic boxes. just cant remember whether it's the box at home or in the car. should be easy enough to locate. second item: pack. as of now, the only packing i've done is to roughly know what i should bring, and to get the suitcase ready. at least i have most of today and tomorrow free, so i don't anticipate any major problems. other less important things on the list include getting a haircut, sending a pair of jeans for alteration, tidying up my lab space...all of which i should be able to finish before leaving. as another reminder to myself, i have to take my earphones and power bank (with relevant cables) from school.

you know, i'd said before that a major lesson which i learnt from my grad trips is not to travel with someone about whom you have the slightest doubt. i don't necessarily mean integrity/character (though why you'd travel with a dishonest person escapes me), but rather, i mean if the person in question is difficult for you to get along with, or if their travel objectives are vastly different from yours. unfortunately, i foresee such a potential issue on this trip. ordinarily, if it was just me and this other person, i'd find a way to siam from the trip, but the thing is, another person who i think would make a great travelling companion (and with whom i'd like to spend more time) is also going along, and this pro significantly outweighs the con. or i could be biased. i've never been able to be fully impartial about decisions involving this second person. not because i don't like this person or anything, but perhaps because i like this person a little too much. but that's a whole other (long, painful) story in itself.

got a piece of really good news in the mail a few days back. i'm all paid up for the car! my financial burden isn't getting any less, though, because i'm setting aside the same amount of money for savings/investment purposes. my financial advisor is a friend from undergrad days, and we're close enough that i trust him with some details of my life which are not known to many other people. i'd even trust him to drive the car for me if i'm somehow unable to. so i think my money is in good hands. besides, unless my friend really sucks at his job (which i'm pretty sure he doesn't), i'm more or less guaranteed the capital back at least. so i'm not too worried. anyway, i figure that some savings is good. looking at my bank balance over a few months, i actually don't save that much! or might be because of this japan trip, i'm not sure. so i guess that forcing me to save this way can't be too bad for me.

this same friend is also my insurance agent, and i was also settling some insurance stuff with him this past week. i realize that i should have done most of this stuff earlier. like for investment, the plan is for a set number of years. so the earlier you start, the earlier you get the full sum of money back. and the younger you are when you start insurance, the lower the annual premium. of course, the balance here is that you're likely to have insufficient capital/funds when you're young. for me, i think i should have started all this in army, when i was getting some form of income. might have been tough during undergrad, and i might have had to give more tuition, but i think i would have managed? who knows? well, better late than never, right?

going off on a tangent here, discussing insurance stuff can be quite morbid, which is why i think that it's important to be comfortable with your agent. thankfully, i am. so we were discussing the policy, and the general style of the conversation was, "so if i die at XX years old, i'd have paid up $YY in premiums. and since my policy is worth $ZZ, that means that i would earn $AA, which translates to BB% returns per year!" it's quite a wrong way of looking at things, and definitely the wrong way to make decisions, since you shouldn't be investing in your own death, and you don't get to use the money anyway. but it's just interesting. i remember during this motivational camp thing that my aunt signed me and my cousin up for at the end of primary school, the speaker asked us to write down how much money we thought we were worth. a fair few of the participants wrote down "priceless", which the speaker took at face value to mean "no price", or $0. if i'd known my chemistry at that time, i would have asked for a mole of $1 coins. actually, a mole of 1-cent coins would work already. in hindsight, i was stupid enough to fall for their scare tactics. should have realized that there was no way they would have harmed us. interestingly, there's this rule on insurance policies. in the event of a suicide, the company will still pay out, provided that the suicide happened at least 13 months after the commencement of the policy. the logic is that since (successful) suicide results in death, the company will still pay out. but they imposed a time frame in order to stop people making rash decisions. never knew that. i was under the impression that in general, insurance policies didn't cover suicide. of course, this 13 month thing may not be applicable to all companies or all policies. check before you plan to kill yourself. no, i'm kidding. don't kill yourself.

have a lot of stuff lined up this weekend! most of it is japan-related, some not so much. still trying to fit everything into these 2 days. in no particular order, i have to:
get a haircut
get a pair of jeans altered
go down to expo to support my friend at this anime convention thing
go for judo
go back to lab to print stuff and tidy my place up
send my new minion some references
PACK!!!

due to the various fixed times of some of these events, i'll have to do some stuff today, others tomorrow. more or less have a rough plan in mind, just have to set it into action. that starts with going for a shower in a few minutes, and leaving the house.

-random thought of the day: Have I been more irritable recently?-

Lying seems to be a somewhat necessary evil in today's society. then again, i suppose it boils down to how one defines what a lie is, eg. can withholding the truth count as lying? you know the whole court thing...the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. and what about white lies? or even "black" lies with good intentions? example: more than 15 years ago, my maternal grandmother was dying of cancer. my aunt tried to keep it from her so as to keep her spirits up. unfortunately, she was within earshot when the doctor mentioned the C-word. even more unfortunately, although she didn't understand english, the C-word was one of the few english words she did know. when she questioned my aunt about it, my aunt thought quickly and told her that she had misheard, and that the doctor was saying to "cancel" something or another. i'm under the impression that she bought it in the end. and i don't know why that story stuck with me until now.

anyway, that was just an interesting/fitting anecdote to illustrate a point. my personal stand is that if a lie will not significantly affect the other person, and/or if it's done with the other person's best interest in mind, it can somehow be excused. of course, this is an extremely subjective thing, depending on what exactly the lie is, what the possible negative outcomes are, and how the other person feels about being lied to, and the liar's assessment of "best interest". although i don't quite like it myself, i do acknowledge that it's necessary sometimes. though if given the choice, i'd rather hear the truth and work towards an acceptable solution from there.

the one thing i don't quite like is being caught up in lies, or when i can see the plot holes. this extends to when i lie on others' behalf, as was what i had to do on tuesday, and is also the main topic of this whole "lying" theme. so here's what happened. yesterday was my friend's one-year anniversary with his girlfriend, and he wanted to surprise her by getting her flowers. so we went down to thomson plaza on monday to place the order, which was to be collected the next evening. as there was a chance that he might have to work overtime, i volunteered to pick them up on his behalf if something cropped up. something did crop up, in that the girlfriend wanted to meet him for an after-work date. so i went to pick the flowers up and drop them off at his place. but nobody answered the door when i got there, hence i had to call him to get someone to open the door. the girlfriend picked up on it, and as such, he called me back to prove that nothing suspicious was going on. don't know if she made him call, or if he volunteered, but that's not important now. i was a little surprised that he called me back to ask what i was doing at his house, but fortunately, i didn't drop the ball, and made up something about leaving my credit card behind after our vesak day stayover. i admit, it took a while for the pieces to click together (helped greatly by his vocal cues and word usage/prompts), but thankfully i didn't give anything away before everything clicked.

so here's the main issue. was it right for me to lie? i'd say yes, because it's nothing harmful, and nobody was in any danger of getting hurt. but if it really was ok, why did i feel so annoyed at that time? i think i felt frustrated because it took me too long to catch what was going on, and if i had messed up, i'd have ruined the surprise. it was a lot of stress at that time, considering i had to think on my feet! and i'm not that good a liar. i mean, i can omit facts in conversation and appear perfectly normal. but asking me to lie usually doesn't end up well.

expanding on this point a bit, they're in a relationship! call me old-fashioned or whatever, but i think that there should be no/minimal secrets between a couple. i find that this kind of thing isn't worth hiding. it's so easy to misunderstand something if someone's acting sneaky or suspicious. i think my future partner (if any) will find me incredibly boring/unromantic. the thing that scares me a bit is how easily the girlfriend tells this kind of lies. like for the birthday celebration, which was supposed to be a surprise for my friend. she could be confirming some details with me, when my friend would try to find out what we'd been talking about. she'd then smoothly throw him off the path with a perfectly believable story. and it was done so naturally! i hate to think the worst of people, but i really hope that she uses this "talent" for hiding good stuff only.

in more mundane news, my reaction worked! just hoping that it links to platinum successfully, and/or that the deprotection works. funny thing is that i've done the same exact deprotection on another molecule that's very similar to this curent one in terms of structure. yet, this one was only partially deprotected under the same experimental conditions. guess i have to add more acid and leave it for longer. if things go well, i should have the compound of interest tomorrow. it's been a long time coming, but i think i finally see some light. fingers crossed!

-random thought of the day: 2 weeks and a bit to Japan trip!-

People generally do things that they like in their leisure time, right? having to go to work/school is one thing; living in today's society requires it. but when given time to oneself, i think no rational person would do things that they dislike. which is why i found it strange that we suffered through mahjong last night/this morning. it was due to a combination of factors, actually...some of which i was responsible for, others not so much.

perhaps it would be better to break down what happened first, just for some perspective. it was the usual 4 players, my friend, his girlfriend, their friend (who i think can now be considered my friend too) and me. so what happened is that the 2 other guys had ridiculous luck. we're talking like they cleaned both me and the girl out. she had it worse though, she was at like -$30+. i was probably around -$10 or 20+. but anyway, the combination of being unable to get any winning hands, and reading an SMS i got earlier (which i'll elaborate on later) put me in quite a mood. as a result, i don't think i was very good company, and the other friend picked up on it, and got annoyed. through various messages being passed, i came to know about it.

here's where i should probably clearly define my mahjong policy. i only ever play mahjong with friends, like i have to know at least one person at the table reasonably well. and while my goal remains as trying to win (or at least not lose), the fact that i'm playing with friends means that i will moderate my winnings. for instance, if i'm really really up, i'll do stupid things like not game off someone who's really down, or try to zi mo to win. and when it's time to settle the money, i'll round my winnings down to the nearest dollar, $5, $10, or whatever it takes to make sure that nobody loses too much. of course, i can't and don't expect others to do the same for me. however, it seems to me that my friend's friend's style involves going all out to win as much as he can from us. it's a bit mercenary i guess, and i'm not quite comfortable with that. even then, i have to concede that not only is he a good player, his luck was really good last night. i suppose that there's no stopping some people when they're on a roll. for me, i'm prepared to lose money; i know i can't win all the time. but no matter how prepared you are, i think that the sian feeling will kick in when you're down more than you'd expected/predicted, on a (long) losing streak, and people keep beating you to completing a winning hand. that's even more so when your hand is worth a lot, while their winning hand is of much lesser value. yes, it's mahjong strategy that if you're caught between 2 potential winning hands with no chance of winning yourself, you'd rather let the less valuable one win. i'm not saying it's wrong. i'd do the same if the roles were reversed. can't help feeling frustrated, especially when it happens a few times in a night, and when that big hand would have helped me to recoup my losses.

to think i just blogged about my improved mahjong behaviour 2 posts ago! really proves what they say, "lang si buay sai oh loh eh" (translated from dialect: people cannot be praised). as a result, i think mahjong might be off the cards with that group of friends from now on...unless we can find a few replacement people, or split the parties who are likely to get into conflict into different groups. definitely different groups for me and that guy. he's decent enough, i can't really complain about anything regarding him. but somehow, i think that assuming that there had even been a chance for us to become acquainted (eg. same university, same company), i wouldn't make friends with him on my own accord. consequently, we wouldn't even be friends right now if we hadn't been introduced by the few friends that we have in common. maybe it's just a case of mismatched/conflicting personalities, or "puay ji buay gam" (incompatible eight characters).

now, on to the text message. apparently, my junior (who stood me up a few saturdays back) was resourceful enough to come searching for answers here. so that's good-ish i guess. the not-so-good-ish was that the junior sent me an SMS saying "i'm sorry". hear me out before you go all, "how can apologizing be bad/not-good!?". i don't remember when/where i came across this thing which states that a "proper" apology should consist of 3 parts: (1)taking responsibility for the action, (2)acknowledging that the action was upsetting to the other party and understanding why that is so, and (3)offering restitution (i'm not sure that i'm using the word correctly). to rephrase it, the 3 parts are: (1)yes, what i did was wrong. (2)this is why i was wrong. (3)how can i make it better? anyway. i'm normally not much of a stickler for this kind of stuff, since i rarely run into things that make me angry. annoyed, sure, like if someone borrows my pen without asking, or bumps into me accidentally. i'm perfectly ok with accepting a simple "sorry" in such cases. also when the thing is due to factors out of a person's control, eg. sorry i'm late, the train broke down. that's all fine and well. but for this case...no. not so much. i guess i'm a step closer to understanding why one of my friends refuses to forgive another of my friends for something he did in year 2 undergrad. that was something like 4-ish years ago.

right. bedtime. long weekends are typically used to rest and recharge, but i'm currently feeling as tired as if it was a regular monday. must he due to not sleeping much after mahjong. well, have to make up the hours somehow, like sleeping now, for instance.

-random thought of the day: Is it that easy for relationships to be compromised?-