Sore throat symptoms don't hit me that often. i'll usually feel a little hoarse after karaoke, but recover in 1 to 2 days. the last really bad sore throat i got was probably during NS, which was when i lost my voice too. that's why i found it weird when i woke up today and it hurt to swallow. not sure what could have caused it. maybe i've been having too much fried/heaty food over the CNY period? a small measure of relief is that my voice is still intact, though i'll probably have to speak at a lower volume to avoid additional strain. hoping that the kids will be cooperative tomorrow. i've got one class of sec 4s, and one class of sec 2s. the latter class is ok, considering that i've met most of the kids before. i'm trusting that the sec 4s will be mature and empathetic enough to understand when someone is not feeling at the top of their game.

quite a lot of things happened this week, with correspondingly large amounts of food for thought. managed to stick mostly to my to-do list, which is good. as mentioned previously, i went back to NUS on tuesday to collect my certificates. it feels kind of unreal, to actually receive the degree as proof that i've got a phd. part of me thinks that it's the novelty, part of me thinks that it's the impostor syndrome. well...i think both these factors can/should be resolved with time. swung by arts to pick up my japanese language proficiency certificate too, although that certificate is more for show at this point since it references things that i did 5 years ago. more on that in a bit. i discovered that nus increased the parking by one cent per minute for the visitor carpark at science. not sure if it's campus-wide, but signs point to yes. a cent a minute doesn't sound much until you realize that that's an additional 60 cents an hour, which represents a 50% increase from the previous rate. plus, full-day parking fees apply on saturdays now, when it was half-day before. well, at least i know of certain ninja spots to park for cheap or even for free. had a CNY dinner with the old boys' group that night, too. the food was good, as usual, and the sense of community/togetherness was ever-present. it makes me wonder, though, does studying in the same school really bond people across generations? it makes sense if the age range was narrower, because having common experiences in school would be a very strong reason for bonding. i don't know. maybe it's because the cat high education imparted similar values to us? whatever the case, i suppose that i should be grateful that we get along.

what on earth did i do on wednesday? the only thing i remember is attending class at ikoma. decided to go for the N2 prep class, and i think that i may be a little in over my head. on the bright side, the power of my prior knowledge and more than a few educated guesses got me an 18/36 for the class quiz. apparently the system is similar to NUS. quiz, followed by actual lessons. the total time is 3 hours, and not 2 like i'd initially thought. well, it's about an hour for the quiz, 2 hours for instruction. there's so much to catch up on! not even exaggerating when i say that the vocabulary list is a few thousand words long. and there are similar grammar patterns with different nuances, and some old grammar phrases have alternate meanings. it seems tremendously overwhelming, which is why plan japan may have to be modified. the highlight of my day was meeting an old secondary school classmate, who happened to be taking the same class. wasn't sure that it was him initially, but seeing him use his left hand for writing triggered a surge of memory. we haven't had any contact in the 14 or so years since leaving cat high. i'd known that he'd chosen to go to polytechnic despite beating me by a point in the o-levels. he'd told me that he was in CJC for one day, which was enough for him to realize that JC life didn't suit him. our paths converged again when we both went to NUS, though we never met at all in school. he's a teacher now, which i thought was kind of funny. he didn't strike me as the kind to go for a mainstream job. but well, i've been wrong about bigger things before. anyway, it was nice to see him again. he looks about the same, except taller and thinner than he was in sec 4. well, taller, at least; he was always thin. hopefully we get to reconnect more over the course of japanese classes.

since i had some time and energy after japanese class, i went down to the bar for my promised re-visit. seems like it was a slow night; i don't think i saw more than 20 people come and go in my about-3 hours there. had a glass of beer and plenty of water afterwards. i realize that one drink every 3 hours is a pretty good limit for me when i'm driving. since i was alone, and since there weren't many people, i just sat at my table and did some people-watching. had some enjoyable conversation with the flirty bartender, too. while it was nice, i'm not sure if that's his natural demeanour, or whether it's part of the customer service thing. regardless, i'm not there to look for a relationship, so i guess i shouldn't think too much and just enjoy myself. following my trip to the bar, i went to 好再来 for a bite - also my first proper meal for wednesday (and thursday too since it was after midnight). evidently i think it's good because i went back again! realize that i've been eating horribly this past month, but elaboration for that later. the food was good...it's not as polished as restaurant cuisine in terms of presentation, but it's equally satisfying. not to mention sometimes you're just in the mood for rustic food, like chunks of skewered meat at a lower price point. by this time, it was probably around 2:30am already, and my night still wasn't over. took a walk to mustafa centre to shop for secret valentine's presents. mental note: if i ever have to do something in that vicinity at that ungodly hour again, just drive instead of walk. there's ample free parking, and traffic is almost nonexistent. spent about an hour floating around mustafa centre to find good gifts. in the end, i got my secret valentine a date stamper for an easier time when marking work, and i got something else for the cute colleague, which i left as an anonymous gift. i'm half-hoping nobody links it back to me. i mean, i didn't go out of my way to make it a secret, but at the same time i didn't leave my name behind. so when all was said and done, i reached home at about 5:00am, which is a recent record. not something that i want to do on a regular basis, by the way.

thursday morning was spent frantically wrapping the gifts and writing the respective notes to accompany each one, before going down to the learning lab for the meeting. the topic for discussion happened to be "challenges in the workplace", so i shared my experience with that particular kid. it felt cathartic to share the burden, in a manner of speaking. maybe i should attend more meetings. i was quite amused when one of the other teachers said that he would troll the "problem" students back. that's my preferred method of dealing with it too, but things can get out of hand if it backfires. all in all, it was a pretty productive meeting not only because i got to learn about some alternate strategies, but also because i got to meet even more colleagues. being at work for only 2 days a week means that you don't really get to know everyone, especially if people have consistent days off on your working days. made a trip down to the stationery store after that, to find out that the item that was listed as available on their website couldn't be found in their physical inventory. it's frustrating, because that's the second time it's happened. while they're great in terms of the range of items stocked and in customer service, their inefficiency drives me crazy. not to mention i parked at sim lim tower, which was a bad decision in itself. well...these are learning experiences. the final verdict was that they could help me order it, and even ship it to me free (after i requested for it). but it would take 2 weeks minimum, so i ended up getting the thing i wanted off qoo10, in addition to a foam roller, the purchase of which i've been putting off for the longest time. it's not that i don't want to support local brands. in fact, i made an effort to get the thing from a physical shop before turning to online means. but if local brands want support, please make it easier for consumers to support you!

dinner that night was with my uncle, who's back in singapore from new zealand. something about getting a passport made, i think. the last time i saw him was 2013, when i went over to visit him? no, that doesn't sound right. might have been on another of his singapore trips, though i don't remember when. we then went back to my aunt and uncle's house, where they prepared durian for the visiting uncle (it's his favourite). spent some time playing with the dog, who seems to like me a fair bit. ok, to be fair, he seems to like everyone, so that's not saying much. at least he obeys commands, which is a plus. had a bit of a chat with my aunt as i was leaving. seems that there's trouble in paradise, let's leave it at that. i did what i could to make the situation better, and i hope that i helped. shared chemical engineer cousin's quote of judging by actions and intentions, which i hope made sense. i'm hoping that this is a temporary thing, and that it'll blow over soon. it would suck to see new rifts being created. i do find it ironic that i feel closer to this aunt and uncle than to my immediate family. but like my cousin said, maybe some distance helps. that's why they'd be the next in line for me to come out to, although i haven't found the right time/place/occasion for that conversation. no point forcing it though, i'm sure it'll happen when it's meant to.

had a meeting with a professor at NUS today, to explore the possibility of joining his company. it's a startup, which means that they're hiring core team staff who they want for the long term. their expected timeframe is 2 years minimum, and i think that you should see the conflict already. plan japan is set for this june ideally, or december at the latest. the professor asked if i would be willing to delay it for 2 years. i think i gave a somewhat diplomatic and noncommittal answer, but honestly, the answer is "no", and i think he got the general sense of it. for some reason, i've become comfortable with the idea of plan japan. maybe i'm romanticizing it a bit, or glossing over certain practical difficulties, but i think that it would be doable. just have to get my language skills up to par. i hope that i'm doing the right thing. i was speaking to my taiwanese postdoc friend (from whom the information about this potential job came), and he said that as a phd holder, i'd be expected to take up a scientific expert role. the professor said pretty much the same thing. all that training during grad school would be wasted otherwise. and i see their points. but i don't know if i'm up to the challenge of hardcore science again so soon after obtaining my freedom from the lab. not to mention that it's in a different area from my expertise so far, so there'll be some friction during the transition. but wasn't that the case when i moved from organic to platinum too? i can probably transition again, but i know that my heart won't be in it if i do it now. i think the best way forward is to go to japan first. regardless of whether the experience is good or bad, i have to do it to account to myself that at least i tried. the JLPT prep course is just laying the groundwork. reading a post back in 2014, i wrote at that time that the JPLT was like a driving test. not passing would be ok, just inconvenient. i'm feeling that inconvenience now.

i guess that i'm feeling a little...disturbed? not in the "that's so creepy" way, but in the way that physicists will say that an object's equilibrium has been disturbed. maybe i'm banking on finding my purpose/calling in japan. or maybe my calling *is* japan. but yes, i'm kind of realizing as i'm typing this that it might be the sensation of burning desire, which has been conspicuously absent for a large part of grad school. perhaps going for the phd wasn't the best decision. even if that is so, i have to remember that (1) i can't rewind time; and (2) i got the degree in the end, so it's far from the worst-possible outcome. anyway. i know what i have to do now for my own sake, but it's just a question of how the other pieces will fall into place.

for the past 2 months, i've been completely off the bandwagon for healthy lifestyle. a more accurate way to put it would be that i took a flying leap off the badwagon and haven't quite recovered yet. i'm hoping that the progress from last october to december hasn't been undone, or at least that some of it still remains. i'm going to see them about starting another package next week. also next week, i've got to see the TCM people about a weird jaw misalignment. don't remember how long it's been ongoing...maybe a couple of years? not sure what could have caused it, either. hopefully one session will be enough to fix it. having needles in my face is really not my idea of a good time. apart from that...i guess there's just been another loneliness attack. it was probably brought on by reading fanfiction about two popular violinists (to be fair, they made a video about it and posted it on facebook, which got me curious enough to search for more). i do find one of them to be pretty attractive, but the odds of anything happening between us are improbable enough to be impossible. i think i just need sleep. after reading the blackest night arc of the green lantern comics in 2013 or so, i've adopted "look to the stars" as my personal mantra and go-to phrase for tough times. i think i'll be using it a lot in the upcoming months.

-random thought of the day: Need to use my pens more.-

Let me rant about work - well, about one thing in particular about work - before i get started on the main body of the post. it doesn't happen very often, but once in a while, i'll meet a student whom i don't know how to handle. the typical characteristics of such a student are: disregard for authority, disinterest in the subject, inattentiveness in class, no consideration for classmates, and all-round obnoxiousness. like in the class i was covering this past saturday, there was this student whose first words to me were, "teacher, i'm from ITE". it's obviously a joke, but i didn't (and still don't) see the humour behind it. throughout the class, this student was also more preoccupied with talking to friends, and even spoke quite disrespectfully about another teacher. i'm not saying that they have to worship the ground that teachers walk on. but at least have the decency to keep such conversation to when among your peers, right? this student gives me the impression of entitlement. i wouldn't be surprised to hear "you can't do that to me, i'm paying your salary!" come out of their mouth eventually. technically the parents are the ones paying, but yes. some of these kids need to be taken down a peg or two. the way i would normally deal with such things would be to use words and actions that are not acceptable under learning lab policy, so my usual way won't work. it may be something for me to bring up for a wider discussion at this thursday's meeting. to be fair, this particular encounter has been the only unpleasant one so far. the other times i got annoyed were mainly because students just didn't know when to shut up, or thought that they could climb over a cover teacher's head. i'm still a little confused as to why we have troublemakers at all. tuition is completely optional, and some of these disruptive kids would do better by saving their time, their parents' money, and teachers' brain cells.

apart from that, the job has been great so far. colleagues are easy to get along with, the vast majority of kids are nice, and i feel extremely well-supported by the operations team whenever i have class - no matter the venue. i was telling my mentor yesterday that i'm enjoying my time in the company, and that i was even thinking of adding another day to my workload. she said that that's something which i have to bring up with HR, so that talk's tentatively scheduled for thursday while i'm on the premises. one thing which i hope that the company can improve on is their claims for transport between centres. right now, the rate is kind of low for drivers. i understand that paying more is part of the tradeoff for the convenience of driving, so i'm not even asking to claim for the mileage driven. all i want is to claim for the full amount of parking, which is definitely more than what they're allowing at the moment. that query has to be directed to the operations team, and i'll drop them an email sometime this week.

been giving some thought to the process of achieving plan japan, and the most pressing thing is probably to regain familiarity with the japanese language. i'd been doing some research on japanese language schools as briefly outlined last time, and i've got some updates on the situation. there are 3 schools - bunka, ikoma, and hougang. so weird right!? the first two sound so japanese, then "hougang". i've previously studied at bunka, and i liked their teaching methodology as they did verb conjugations extremely early. ikoma strikes me as the standard japanese school, very focused on content and exam preparation. scary JC friend said that hougang is good, but i haven't had much contact with them. so here's the thing. JPLT is held only twice a year - once in july, and again in december. ikoma is the only school offering prep classes in the foreseeable future, so i'm stuck with choosing them by default. the problem with ikoma is that it isn't registered with the skillsfuture program, meaning that i have to fork out actual money to pay for the fees. so, i'm thinking of two-timing, by taking classes at both ikoma and bunka. good thing for bunka is that skillsfuture credits are usable there, so it's basically free. considering it's february now, i have just over 4 months to get back to my previous level of japanese proficiency, and surpass it for N2. so, the more exposure i have, the better. also, i've been through the NUS system of 1 lecture and 3 tutorials (7 contact hours) per week, so i'm sure i can handle just 4 hours. i'm actually tempted to take up twice-weekly sessions with ikoma, which is an option for students with N4 to take N2 in half a year. problem with that is the money. double the classes means double the cost. at close to $400 for a term of 10 classes, it doesn't come cheap. yet another motivation to add a day to my learning lab schedule, if HR will allow it.

there are some other considerations for plan japan. despite having relatively few liabilities compared to most of my friends in the same age group, i can't just up and leave. a few things immediately come to mind at the mention of liabilities: car, insurance (and other finances), logistics. for the car, i'm thinking that it would be a waste to let the COE value depreciate continuously if i'm not around to use it. so selling the car would be the most logical choice if i'm moving to japan for an extended period. the counterpoint to this argument is the unlikely but not impossible scenario that i don't like it in japan, and end up coming back to singapore after 6 months. i suppose that getting another second-hand car in that eventuality is possible, so i shouldn't worry that much. and what with COE prices falling, secondhand cars might even be cheaper.

when moving to another country, it's wise to check if the current insurance policies you have will carry over. i don't think my hospitalization plan will, but i think the advice is to hold on to it since there's been some changes to the claimable amounts or something. i think that i'm under the old policy, which still allows 100% claims. of more importance would be my critical illness and personal accident plans, which i hope will carry over to japan. i know that japan has their own national insurance thing, but i'm not sure about the details. i've also got a savings/investment plan with my friend/agent, although it's been frozen for quite a while due to my financial drought last year. selling the car would probably give enough money to pay for it for the rest of this year...that might just work, but i don't know for sure. one bigger financial problem is how to move money between countries without losing too much to the exchange rate or service fees that banks charge.

surprisingly, logistics is the least of my worries. i just have to decide what to take to japan. at present, i'll probably only need the essentials of clothes, and a computer of some sort. anything else should be able to be bought over there. i'm actually considering taking my desktop over (because final fantasy), but it's bulky and unwieldy to ship, and i'll need to ship or buy a monitor. i've got a decent-ish laptop, but i don't know how well it will support the game. and i'd want to bring some (ideally all) of the stuffed toys over, but that's just me being irrational. i may end up having to choose maybe 2 or 3 to take over. still, it's not even remotely a concern when compared to money, car, and language skills.

part of me wonders if i'm trying to do too much with too little time/money. i suppose that i could play it safe by studying for a longer time and taking JLPT only in december. that would give me more time to build my finances up, and commit to some length of contract for another part-time job too. that might also fit in better with the JET program timeline. why do i want to go over so quickly, again? to kickstart my career, i suppose. the sooner i'm there, the sooner i can apply for jobs, and the sooner i'm likely to be employed. but some things can't be rushed. makes me wonder if i should slow down now for the sake of running a longer race in future.

i've suddenly accumulated a fair few obligations for this week. knowing the nature of my brain, i'm bound to forget about some if i don't write them all down. just hope that i haven't forgotten any already.

tuesday
- arrange a TCM session (ideally thursday) for my jaw
- indicate interest to ikoma
- go to NUS to collect my certificates and transcript
- have lunch with my taiwanese postdoc friend
- find time to shop for secret valentine's present
- drive the elders to old boys' CNY dinner at 6pm
- visit the bar if i have time and energy

wednesday
- shop for present if unsuccessful on tuesday
- shop for clothes
- poke the traffic police for an update
- poke the lawyer again too
- go grocery shopping
- attend class at ikoma

thursday
- attend learning lab meeting at 12:30pm
- bring secret valentine's gift, and other gift too
- TCM if booking is successful
- possibly visit my aunt

friday
- nothing scheduled yet. maybe get a haircut
- decide on what level to take at bunka

saturday
- work
- JC class gathering in the evening

sunday
- work

that's probably all of it? nothing else strikes me now, so i think if i'm missing anything out, it probably isn't that urgent or important. have to think about going back to the gym too; this almost-2-month hiatus is bound to have undone some of the progress made last year. should ask the gym folks if they're looking for part-time admin staff or receptionists. pity that the learning lab contract doesn't allow me to take on additional teaching jobs. to be fair, they pay decently enough to justify that clause. there must be something else that i can do with my time and that will get me some money...just have to figure out what that thing is.

-random thought of the day: Need more energy.-

Battling a slight stomach bug probably isn't the best way to ring in CNY, but you can't always control what life throws at you. despite not being at peak condition, i still managed to attend several gatherings, and meet some interesting people. let's start with CNY eve, when i met the two singaporean bloggers living in japan. they're a couple, by the way. the guy has been there for years, almost enough to make him part japanese. the girl just went over in the middle of last year, and seems to be adapting ok. after talking to them, i've got a bit more clarity on my possible options in japan. if i really want to work in japan, i can: (1) apply for a job in japan while in singapore and wait for some company to hire me; (2) go to japan and get a part-time job while job-hunting for something more permanent. option 2 seems like a better route, because i will be physically in japan, which should motivate me to job-hunt in earnest, not to mention that being in the country is actually one less barrier to landing a job. they also gave me a list of resources, which i didn't know of previously. benefits of having people with "insider information", i guess. the english-teaching route seems viable for an initial start, just to get over the friction of being in a new environment. one other thing i learnt from the couple is that having JLPT N2 certification will open a lot more doors with regard to employment opportunities. if you remember, i took N2 in december 2014, and failed catastrophically. i was looking into taking prep courses in time for the june/july exam, but the school which i previously went to isn't organizing prep classes for this half of the year, and my second-choice school doesn't accept skillsfuture credits. i might end up settling for a compromise, which is to go to a lesser-known school. scary JC friend has studied there before, and says they're good. i just hope that they accept skillsfuture credits and have a class of the appropriate level scheduled.

as you may know, CNY eve is traditionally when reunion dinner takes place. this year, i went to my cousin's place and ate with him, his wife, and her brother. i suppose he counts as a cousin-in-law as well? we had hotpot, which i think helped to emphasize the idea of "reunion" - people coming together and sharing a meal. my niece (their daughter) was sleeping, so i didn't get to play with her. dinner was nice, and reminiscent of our secondary school days, where we'd have hotpot (or steamboat as we called it back then; same difference i think) every saturday almost without fail. we were telling my cousins-in-law about our childhood and teenage days. i don't actively think about it that often, but i know in the back of my mind that we've known each other for literally all of our lives. the exact number is probably above 99%, and can effectively be rounded off to 100% although we may not remember the early days as babies. anyway. it was nice to reminisce and share a bit more, and it's always entertaining to watch people's reactions when they find out how closely we're related. dinner was emotionally as well as physically satisfying, although i think we overdid it a little in terms of quantity of food ingested. then, we watched the social network (the movie about facebook's founding) while digesting the meal. i don't know how much of the movie is true, and how much of it is dramatized, but if events unfolded in real life as they did in the movie, i don't think i'd like mark zuckerberg that much if i ever met him. but well...he and his billions of dollars probably don't care about a random nobody's opinion. it makes me wonder, though, if no friendships are immune to disputes about money. in the movie, mark sold out his best (only) friend when making a financial decision. whether it was of his own accord or whether it was due to external influence, i still think that it was a despicable move. granted, the sum of money wasn't trivial, but placing money above your only friend is not a good thing. of course i can say this now, but i hope i'll be consistent in my actions when/if i'm faced with a similar situation.

day 1 of CNY was the traditional 拜年 at my first paternal uncle's place. i'd managed to evade it by going to lab for the past few years (and also because i really had lab work to do), but that excuse didn't work this year due to obvious reasons. the next generation are really growing up; my oldest nephew is in university, and there are some others in secondary school and JC. i'm seeing a similar pattern as with our generation, and that is the pretty large age gap between children from different uncles. you see, my paternal grandparents had 5 sons, and the age gap between the oldest and youngest sons is more than 12 years. being born to the youngest son, i have cousins who are literally close to 20 years older than me. in fact, my oldest nephew is only 5 years my junior. and the age gap between him and the youngest nephew and niece is 25 years, since the youngest children (twins) were born on this CNY eve. it's probably going to get worse as we go further down in generation, but well...probably not my problem. i'm not contributing to it, so yes. at least it's heartening that the nephews/nieces of a similar age are somewhat close. in this age of social media and smartphones, i suppose it's easier, too. no need to memorize any phone numbers. interestingly, i still do remember my cousin's home and mobile numbers. don't think i'll ever need to recall off-hand, but good to know in case of an emergency and my phone is not operational. also on day 1, i dropped by my mechanic friend's place with my cousin (they know each other too) and watched his mind get blown due to us explaining our relation, which was amusing as usual. wanted to stay longer, but went back early due to stomach issues.

tradition is that you visit those closest to you on day 1 (eg. family, some friends), and as days go by, you visit people who are less and less close (casual friends, colleagues). i visited a secondary school friend's place on day 2. he's an artist who's based in hong kong (and apparently taiwan and japan too now), so i don't see him all that often. the last time was like, 3-ish years ago? we were secondary school classmates, and he's also friends with the classmate whom scary JC friend is dating. so we all ended up there, along with my dentist friend, and another friend who's a music/video producer. it was relaxed and casual, i felt quite at ease. it helps that this friend is fairly liberal and open-minded, so talking to him was easy, too. we then met up again later that night to have a meal, since the artist friend was flying back to hong kong the next day. the venue was this establishment selling northeastern chinese cuisine in the form of dishes and skewers, called 好再来. the flavour profile is mala and sour, which are generally flavours that i like. prices were reasonable, and i'd probably go back again. coincidentally, the place is located reasonably near our old judo place at lavender street. that's become an anytime fitness now...quite depressing to drive by and see it. oh well. it was a different time then.

yesterday and today weren't very productive...just spent some time tidying my room and looking for leads on japan. have to settle my red packet money too. there's work as usual tomorrow, and it looks to be my worst day so far. 3 different classes for 3 different sciences. and i've got to shop for a secret valentine's gift, along with one more gift for the cute colleague i've got my eye on. should be fine. that reminds me. i'm going to submit feedback about the claimable amounts for parking and public transport. it's on the low side, for sure. apart from that, got a few more gatherings over the next week or two. one with the cat high old boys group, one with my JC class, one to visit my aunt, and one with a big brother figure. oh, and i'm supposed to visit the pub again. was intending to do so tonight, but the last-minute SMSes to cover class came in. there's always another day. and i've got to go down to NUS to collect my degree, as well as the certificate of intermediate japanese proficiency. will probably expand on japan-related topics in the next post, along with things that i have to consider if i really want to move there.

-random thought of the day: I'm talking like I'm prepared to move.-

A good night's sleep and a fresh dose of perspective really make a world of difference. woke up yesterday feeling less/no longer sorry for myself, and went for work as usual. i observed the second class which i'm due to take over for a month or so. it's a sec 1 bio class. again, i was reminded how significant the effect of experience and confidence is on a teacher's performance. on saturday, i observed this same teacher for a sec 2 chemistry class. the difference was clear to me. while she was a little uncertain for chemistry, she was totally in her element teaching bio. the analogies she used to describe certain concepts were extremely fitting, and better than anything that i could have thought of myself. i imagine the situation will be reversed when i take over both those classes in 2 weeks' time. yes, it's not next week. apparently i had a blind moment and read my schedule wrongly.

with my brain rested, i thought about the situation some more. in addition to the reasons for me not to be jealous of others in the previous post, one more thing i thought of was that it was a different era when i was a teen. social media wasn't so prevalent, for one. for perspective - i finished JC in 2006. that was the year twitter was founded. tumblr came along the year after. along with that, the very first iphone was launched in 2007, when i was in NS. i wasn't about to blow more than a month's salary on a phone at that time. by extrapolation, dating apps probably didn't get popular until i was in undergrad at the earliest. so, i guess you could say that i didn't have as many avenues to look for people. not to mention the lack of safety and anonymity back then. if you wanted to meet someone, you'd have to exchange phone numbers, which exposed you to being spammed by calls and texts. sure, you could change numbers, but i really really like my number. i've had it for around half my life now, that's not even an exaggeration. but back to the point...younger people today have more avenues for exposure. and being attention-seeking, they'll use those avenues.

talking to jedi master always gives me fresh perspective. he speaks with the wisdom that accompanies age, not to mention he's basically been through all the same struggles that i'm currently experiencing, and more. he told me that i'm setting my sights too low, which is quite the opposite of what i thought. his reasoning is that with my low self-perception, i'd go after people of a similar level, and thus not dare to aim high enough to find the perfect one for me. the solution to that is to be very objective, and to see my own positives along with the flaws. it's not easy, since we're often our own harshest critic. but first, i have to reach a point where i'm receptive to finding love in atypical places, and that comes with having no expectations. weird, right? to do the no expectations bit requires experiencing heartbreak and getting hurt repeatedly, which is going to suck. but if the payoff is finding the perfect partner, maybe it'll be worth it. problem is that isn't guaranteed, either. so worst case is going through all the hurt and heartbreak and still ending up single. i mean, it should make me a better person, more compassionate and empathetic, which i suppose is still a win in some way. another thing he said was that i might be intimidating to strangers and/or potential dates. that puzzled me at first, because i generally think that i'm nice, and that i normally don't give off a standoffish aura unless i try. but what i didn't consider was that people may be physically intimidated by my build. not only that, they may be intellectually intimidated after finding out about my background. i still find this line of reasoning a little difficult to follow, but that's maybe because i'm not seeing myself through a stranger's eyes. i kind of get being intimidated by beauty/attractiveness, because i hesitate (more than usual) to chat up an attractive guy. i just don't think it works the other way round.

it seems that whenever i meet with jedi master, i end up doing something new. after dinner, he invited me to join him and his friends at a bar called lluvia, which means "rain" in spanish. i also finally got to meet his partner, who is really nice. i can understand why jedi master often speaks so favourably about him (other than because they've been together for 20 years). got to hear about the process of them getting together from his point of view too. apparently, there was mutual attraction when they first met, but the timing wasn't right. they only got together 3 years after that first meeting. so maybe time is all it takes. i didn't really drink at the bar since i drove; just people-watched and made some conversation with the friends nearby. not a bad way to spend a night; maybe i should do this more often. will be more intimidating going alone, but we'll see. should drag scary JC friend along.

going to end here for now, i'm due to meet the singaporean bloggers for an info session about life and working in japan. then, dinner with my cousin and his family tonight. i really think that i should be keeping busy to avoid having too many negative thoughts.

-random thought of the day: Better go, don't want to be late.-

Just woke up from a nap after coming back from work and crashing. feeling a little weird as a result, and this weird feeling is compounded by 2 things on my mind. first, there's been another rejection from a chemical company. that brings the tally up to 4 official rejections, and 11 pending applications.

*M18 content begins here* second, i'm feeling a little envious/jealous of some NSF-age guys who posted videos of their uhh...escapade online. at the risk of TMI, the main reasons i'm feeling this way are because i never got to do that at their age, and i'm going through a very, very long dry spell right now. gosh, i don't even want to begin to count how long it's been; that would be even more depressing. you might say that the solution is easy, just go out and hook up with someone. easier said than done, though. my lack of confidence in my own appearance is a major stumbling block. not to mention my actual appearance, which isn't in line with conventional/typical standards of attractiveness. this is one of those times where i feel like i didn't get the full "teenager" experience, like, there were so many things i didn't do during my teens/early twenties. no dates, no flings, no partying. *M18 content ends here* actually, i don't mind that last one so much. clubs and loud, crowded places were never really my scene. although i wonder if they would have been if i had looked better...

another thing i should remind myself of is that people only post the best aspects of themselves online. be it going to a scenic holiday spot, enjoying a delicious meal, or as in the above case, having great sex, people tend to show only the good things while hiding the bad/not-so-good. and we (i, especially,) fall into the trap of extrapolating from there and assuming that their entire life is equally awesome as whatever they post online. of course, it may be, and power to them if that is indeed the case. but more often than not, there will be unseen struggles, worries, and obstacles to surmount. this is especially true in the case of LGBT people. so...moral of the story is to not be too jealous?

i suppose the other way to look at it would be from a more positive point of view. because i was relatively well-behaved, i never got into serious trouble. like, no drunken fighting, no STD scares, no relationship drama (apart from the self-inflicted drama of unrequited love, of which there was plenty) or vengeful exes. on the even more plus side, i made friends with similar mindsets and values, and we supported each other through undergrad and beyond. if i had been the partying sort, we might not have gelled so well together. i might not have opted to apply for grad school either, let alone complete it. as a thought experiment, i wonder if i'd trade my degree for better looks. signs point to yes, because i'd probably be able to survive on a bachelor's degree. maybe i should wonder if anyone would trade their good looks for a phd! given the number of people in the world, and how different everyone is, i'm sure that there would be at least a few takers for that offer. maybe the "grass is always greener" syndrome is getting me again. i suppose that occasional feelings of envy/jealousy are ok, even natural, but i should learn to focus on the positives and what i already have. i'm sure that there are people (both better- and worse-looking) who would rather be in my current position than in their own.

on a somewhat related note, ever since the degree conferment, i've been having some difficulty deciding when to say something about my qualifications. at the start of a conversation when people ask what i'm doing now, i tend to say that i just finished grad school, without being more specific. most people will then go "oh so you did your masters ah?". i don't blame them, because that's a fair/reasonable guess. the thing is, i don't correct them either, and instead opt to go "yeah, something like that". my guess as to the reason for this is because of asian upbringing, where kids are told to be humble and not to brag about their accomplishments. because the more you brag, the more people will gloat when you mess up, or something like that. in fact, i still get a sense of discomfort/embarrassment when someone addresses me as "doctor", jokingly or otherwise. i wonder if it's impostor syndrome, in which a person feels like he doesn't/can't live up to the accolades bestowed on him, even when he is actually deserving of them. at the same time, i did work for this title/qualification, and i should make full use of it as a major selling point in the job hunt, or when doing networking/PR. it should get better with time and repetition, i think. most things do because repetition over time aids acclimatization. just have to remember to strike a balance, and not let it get to my head. i'd hate to be known as "that yaya (arrogant) NUS phd who insists on being addressed by title". back to sleep for now, got another observation for the teacher i'm covering tomorrow, and meeting jedi master (who's back in singapore for CNY) for dinner/drinks after work.

-random thought of the day: Channel thoughts and energy to positive stuff.-

Compared to the past few days, i was more productive today. sent another...7(?) job applications, making my total number of jobs applied for 15, and total number of official rejections still stands at 3. also called up the traffic police to ask about the status of the re-investigation into the accident. it's been more than 3 months with nothing heard. something tells me that they forgot about it, and i will eventually have to resort to the ultimate move of approaching my MP, but we'll see if the traffic police gets their act together.

about work, i've applied to 6 chemical companies, and osaka university. that's a good segue into the english teaching route, and my choices. from the last post, my current choices are a university, a private company (gaba or aeon, among others), and JET. in my perfect universe, i would choose teaching in a university first, followed by JET, then a private company. the reason is quite simple, and it's a balance between money and job security. there's probably no argument that a university would pay the highest. i'd expect the stress level to be the highest out of the 3 options there too, but considering that it's a teaching job, and teaching english to boot, i think i'd be able to manage. although JET pays lower than a university, and might even be the lowest-paying job of the bunch, it is backed by the government, and therefore it's stable. like, i won't have to worry about turning up and not having a job, or job agencies trying to scam me.

private companies sit in-between those two extremes. while they do pay somewhat higher (depending on the company and the contract terms), there is slightly more risk. but so far, i've not read or encountered anyone who went to japan being stranded there. again, depending on the company, the working hours and salary will differ. my research has turned up a few companies, two of which i know people working for - aeon and gaba. let's do them alphabetically.

aeon gives me a more commercial feel, i think, in the sense that teachers are expected to do duties above and beyond just teaching. things like interviewing students, socialization with students between classes, handing out flyers...that last one is kind of off-putting for me. the biggest pro i can see is that i'll get to practise japanese a lot if i'm required to do social interaction. one example i saw says that families may invite you to their home for meals, or take you out for sightseeing. i think that that would be nice in a foreign land. another plus point is that there are what i'd liken to corporate perks, like public transport fares being reimbursed. as for gaba, its main attractions to me are flexibility and lesson style. teachers teach students one-on-one instead of in a classroom setting, and they get to choose their hours, but they did advise that scheduling slots at fixed times would ensure repeat students. of course, the accompanying downside is that hours taught is proportional to money received. not to mention there's a minimum amount that you have to earn per month to fulfill the terms of the visa that allows you to work in japan. there's also the uncertainty factor - just because you make yourself available for class doesn't mean that students will book you.

when choosing which route to take here, i suppose that i should also evaluate my reasons for taking up an overseas job. what were those reasons again? to gain exposure; to live independently; for a change of environment; because japan. while money is not the most vital concern right now, it is still of significant importance. are there any alternatives to consider? give up and stay in singapore forever; work in singapore for a number of years to build up finances first, then go over. maybe that might be a safer bet...although i've also got to consider how it will affect my overall career story. finding a scientific job would be the most ideal, because it allows me to use the skills acquired in grad school immediately. you see, the implication of taking a job (especially first job) outside your field of study is "this person isn't good at what they do, that's why they can't land a job in their chosen field". at least with a related job in your employment history, employers will be more likely to believe that you're trying something different to expand your horizons.

having said that, i also can't wait around forever to land a scientific job. the learning lab will give me enough money to sustain myself, but i need to consider savings and future expenses, like a house. assuming that companies are following their 30-day policy, and that i don't apply for any more jobs from now on, the latest i'll know the outcome for chemical-related jobs is end-february. if osaka university replies favourably, then that would be ideal. if nothing goes through by end-february, i'm contemplating signing a one-year contract with the learning lab, then applying to the JET program at the end of this year. the annoying thing is that the JET program only accepts applications within a small window of time close to the end of each year. with thesis and defense on my mind, applying for it didn't even occur to me. benefit of doing this is that the one-year contract will give me more money, and the contract will end a few months before the typical departure date, which is june to august-ish. going with the JET route will require a fair bit of commitment and incur quite a large opportunity cost in terms of time wasted if it doesn't work out, because i really don't want to teach tuition full-time (at all, or for any longer than necessary). i've seen what full-time tutors have to go through on top of teaching duties, and it's not something i particularly feel like doing.

ok. let's see what information i have, and what the best plan of action would be. i know my options for japan. i know when to expect a reply by (if any) for jobs that i've applied for. i know that companies typically conduct a wave of hiring in april, since people who want to leave will typically wait for their performance bonus before tendering their resignations. i don't know how likely it will be for me to land any job in japan, but i'm thinking that it won't be too difficult/impossible. i know that i can apply to other universities in japan as well, and maybe that's something that i should do. i don't know, actually. making decisions in general isn't something that i'm good at, even less so when the decisions are large ones. but it's not good to be suspended in limbo for too long, either. would it be better for me to make a decision, then deal with the consequences later? maybe i should look into japanese chemical companies, too. i'm surprised that i didn't think of that sooner. then again, it might be because they don't have a large presence in singapore. come to think of it, that might be an alternative stepping stone instead of teaching english. well, i guess that means round 3 of job applications. just did a rather superficial search...seems like japanese companies don't make it easy to find the careers page on their websites. well...i'll look into this in greater detail tomorrow.

-random thought of the day: Nothing seems to be going right.-

Probably should say this before anything else: the potential thing with that american guy isn't going to happen, after all. we both kind of woke up to the fact that things were progressing too quickly and there was going to be more trouble than it was worth. to be fair, he brought it up first. i see the logic in what he said. thankfully, the "courtship" didn't last too long, which means that there was barely any hurt. don't think that there will be awkwardness, but i've been wrong about that before. at any rate, we aren't really required to interact very much with each other, so it's fairly ok.

yesterday's class went well. it's the third time i'm seeing this class, so some rapport had been established already. everyone seemed to be following the content well, and we finished slightly early for once. i really think that my teaching style is suited for more mature/older kids. age and maturity are usually correlated, but not always so. while it would be ideal for me to only take sec 3 and 4 classes, the company wants to get their money's worth. in fact, i'm being assigned a month-long cover of 2 classes, sec 1 and sec 2. that's in 2 weeks from now, but the handover procedure is starting this coming weekend for a smoother transition.

also yesterday after work, i spontaneously called my JC friend who stays in novena for dinner. surprisingly, he agreed. we ate at saizeriya, then had udders ice cream for dessert. not the healthiest decision, but once in a while is fine, right? throughout the time, the conversation was split something like 85:15 in his favour. he was ranting about some issues with his family business, and that basically took up the almost-3 hours that we spent together. one-sided conversations are tolerable, but aren't very fun. i was the one who asked him out, so i should have known that i might be getting myself into this. maybe he needed an outlet to vent; i understand that he doesn't get out very much except to play cards. i'll view it as accumulating good karma, then.

no new news on the job front. with the NUS career fair coming up this week, i figure that i should make a decision on the local vs overseas issue. i'm starting to see it as a head vs heart thing. the "head" (logical) decision would be to remain in singapore and find a job. the biggest attraction here as opposed to moving to japan is convenience. if i were to not be in singapore for an extended period, i'd have to sell the car, find a way to have sufficient money in my local bank accounts for recurring payments, and plan the logistics of moving to japan. while these obstacles are not insurmountable, they will require effort that wouldn't be needed if i stay in singapore. the "heart" (emotional) decision is to throw caution to the wind and take the plunge. it's japan! i remember as recently as in my undergrad days, i was dead set on finding a job there and moving over. that's why i took steps in that direction, like learning japanese.

ok. let's look at it rationally. for something to happen, there must be a driving force. another way to say it is that there must be push and pull factors working together. in this case, the analysis will be a bit more complicated. i think let's break it down into the permutations of push/pull, and japan/singapore. might be easier if i do point form, then a short elaboration at the end of each block. hope i manage to classify everything correctly, because some points may fit in more than one category depending on perspective.

pull to japan
- new experience
- i like japan

as you may know from reading some previous posts, i've been to japan before. i do like the place, the culture, and the people. i find that it's generally a nicer place to be in as compared to singapore. an added bonus is that staying there is part of the journey to getting japanese PR, which might become useful in future.

push from japan
- unfamiliarity
- different expectations from work
- age

at the same time, i have to concede that i've been looking at japan through a tourist's eyes. i'm there to have fun for a couple of weeks at a time at most. it may take longer than that for problems to unearth themselves. not to mention japan having just about the worst working culture in the world, maybe only second to korea. plus, i'm 30 already. with about 35 years of working life, can i afford to spend some of it doing something not primarily related to my degree? have to think of how it will impact my subsequent job searches, too.

pull to singapore
- familiarity/convenience
- money

like i mentioned before, it is so much more convenient for me to stay in singapore. in terms of finances, logistics, friends, and it helps that i've lived here all my life, so i'm familiar with the way things work. like, i know what i can negotiate on, which agency to direct my enquiries towards, and even basic things like what to do in the event of an emergency/accident. not to mention the ratio of my earnings to workload is quite favourable now, and i only see the balance tipping the other way in japan.

push from singapore
- the people/culture
- the system

although - or maybe because - i've lived here all my life, i'm quite sick of the people. it wasn't that bad growing up, but like for the past 5 years at least, people just get on my nerves more and more. my leading hypothesis is that as singapore gets more crowded, tensions get higher and peoples' tempers get more volatile. i would still be able to tolerate the crowd if people were courteous, but my impression of the average singaporean is that s/he is self-centred, unamenable to reason, and cowardly. that's not a ringing endorsement, considering i'm singaporean too, but i'd like to think that i'm better than average in this regard at least. i think being in a different environment for an extended period of time might help me to regain appreciation for singapore, or at least make me happier that i'm away from it. either way, i win.

looking at all the factors, it seems that the strongest motivations to follow the "head" route are career planning and money. the difficulty is finding a job to begin with! earning potential is just potential until an actual job is landed and money comes flowing in. career planning is a more serious consideration, though. i can imagine interviewers looking at my resume after japan and quizzing me on how that stint affects my employability as a chemist, especially since it implies that i've been out of touch with the chemical world for however long i'll have been in japan. this is probably the only point i can't explain away using my love for japan. if you ask me to give a hypothetical answer to that question now, i guess i'd say that the stint in japan helped my language skills as well as my people skills through dealing with students, colleagues, and management. i'm also more familiar with how large corporations operate, and my knowledge would be beneficial in dealings with japanese companies. still sounds a little smoky to me, but we'll see.

i've spent way too long on this post already, so i'll end it soon. had wanted to talk about the various options of teaching english in japan, but that can wait till the next post. as a reminder, my possible avenues include gaba, aeon, JET, or in a university. i'll discuss the pros and cons of each, plus tell you which one i'd personally choose next time.

-random thought of the day: Suddenly, going overseas seems like an increasingly likely prospect.-

Got a mixed bag of things to blog about today; 4 negative, 1 positive. although the negative things win out in terms of quantity, the positive thing may just win out based on magnitude.

if you've been following local news to any degree, i'm sure you'd have heard of the passing of an actor during his annual in-camp training stint. it's not the first death of a serviceman that i've been exposed to, but for some reason, i felt it more strongly here as compared to past cases. it's not because i watched his shows; i didn't even know of his existence until the news broke. so why then, is this affecting me more than usual? it could be because we are really close in age, only about 2 years apart. it could be that he had already achieved some measure of success, so i'm feeling/mourning the loss of talent. or maybe it's because unlike the rest of the casualties, he's not an active-service national serviceman. you'd think after clearing the 2 years of active service, the risk of injury or death would be eliminated. apparently not. considering that i didn't know him, i'm not sure what to say beyond the standard words of condolences. you know, it's things like this that give you a sharp shock and make you think more deeply about your life. the usual questions, like "what if i die tomorrow?", come to mind. at this point, i'm not sure that i have a good answer. but if i'm dead, my answer won't matter either way. i guess i should start making more of out my days on this planet.

the job hunt is progressing not-so-ideally. i've sent out a few more applications, and got a few more rejections. it's supposed to build character, but i just wish i could build character using something less sucky. on the bright side, my #1 choice still hasn't replied yet. maybe no news is good news for the time being. apart from that, i went to ask my mentor figure (the HR pro) about overseas jobs. by extension, some of the other alumni replied also. they seem to be split into 2 camps. the first camp, which my mentor figure is in, is that going overseas will give new perspective and insight, and train one to be more independent and mature. that experience is not something money can buy, and in fact may add to one's earning potential instead. of course, the usual points about going overseas while not having liabilities came up again, and i understand that point of view. the opposing camp says to stay in singapore, do something related to my degree, and just build a successful life here. it's sounding less and less appealing, to be honest. well...i'm not really in the position to choose right now, not when i haven't scored any interviews or even tentative offers.

events of yesterday and today kind of made me understand better why the learning lab is willing to pay so much for weekend staff. another teacher had an emergency, and i was asked to cover her class. that in itself isn't the bad thing. the bad thing was that the class was disrupted by two students who didn't seem to have any social consideration. i mean, i do appreciate the occasional quip and wisecrack, especially if it makes me laugh. but to talk (loudly) over me when i'm trying to teach gets old real fast. it got to the point where i had to raise my voice to get them to quiet down, which is a first for me in this job, and quite possibly for my entire tutoring career since i used to give one-on-one tuition. part of me wonders if i could have handled that situation better, while another part of me think that the offenders should be grateful i didn't smash their heads into the table. must remember a lesson from one of the senior teachers, go into a new class being strict, then gradually ease up the tension. i guess i've been so used to talking to undergrads and upper sec students (ie. more mature people) that i messed up and brought that demeanour down to students who need an authoritative figure. it does baffle me a little, though. why do students come for tuition if they're just going to be in their own world? i kind of understand for school, because they're forced to attend. but tuition is completely optional! it really makes me wonder why they even bother showing up. there are so many better ways to spend a weekend than going to a tuition centre. just go to the arcade where you can be as noisy as you want! i suppose it's a little too early to impress upon them the value of the money that they are wasting on their parents' behalf. for perspective, a secondary school kid('s parents) pays $1365 per subject per term of 13 weeks. a year's tuition for one subject costs $5460, and just imagine if a kid takes more than one subject, or if the family has more than one kid attending class! all the numbers are before GST, by the way. it's sheer madness. looking at those numbers, i kind of wonder if i'm being underpaid. to be fair, the facilities are great, teachers have a lot of support from the planning and operations staff, and i imagine the paper/ink for notes and materials used for experiments don't come cheap either. still, it's a ridiculous amount to spend on something that the kid honestly may not even need. yet another point to add to my "why i won't have kids" list.

last negative thing, i promise. it seems that the car is having some issues. apart from the steering still not being nicely aligned, the air-conditioning conked out a couple of days ago. i first noticed it on wednesday, when i had dinner with my senior and junior. seems odd that the issue came up just after servicing not long ago. if i were the suspicious kind, i'd say that the mechanic added a fault to ensure that he'd have a repeat customer. but knowing that we share so many mutual friends, i'm certain that he wouldn't resort to dishonest means with me. it's more than likely just an unfortunate coincidence that something that was working during servicing chose to malfunction now. this means that i'll have to make another trip down to the workshop over the week. might as well get my suspensions done while i'm there.

so, after trudging through that swamp of negativity, what could be the one positive thing that might win out over all that? it would be that i'm talking to someone online. a potential romantic interest, to be exact. i met him on an LGBT community server for final fantasy 14. we've only been talking for two days, so it's extremely premature to assume anything. there is mutual attraction, which is a promising start. however, there are some significant challenges. for instance, he's american, so we are physically rather far apart, not to mention the time zone thing (16 hours' difference). amidst all the warm fuzzy feelings, i'm just reminding myself to take in the whole picture. it could very well end up like malaysian guy, who initially said he was attracted to my voice, and that he liked me for my character/personality, only to nope out when we met in person. i guess the best thing for me to do is to take things day by day, and see how this develops. note to self: don't be too needy.

CNY is in another 9 to 10 days. don't really have much prep to do; i'm not much of a stickler for tradition as far as festivals are concerned. i wonder if the crazy surcharges have started already? something tells me yes. apart from a visit to the mechanic on monday, i've also got to go down to the NUS career fair on tuesday and/or friday...at least those are the dates that i remember. makes me wonder why they didn't plan for it to be on consecutive days. do i have any other things planned? a temple visit, i guess. that one's flexible. and i don't think i've blogged about the less-than-positive experience at nandos. i'll save that for the next post, i guess.

-random thought of the day: Still can't find my hoodie.-

Over the past week, i had quite a downturn in mood. it's not unexpected, since one can't be happy all the time. but at the same time, i'm not quite sure what i have to be unhappy about now. it seems a little...spoilt of me to be unhappy when i'm living a reasonably good life. not much stress, enough money, more than enough free time. perhaps it's precisely the excess of free time that's getting me down. that, and not having something to work towards. i was also mulling over the question of whether to look overseas or not. it always helps to have multiple opinions when making important decisions, so it was in that spirit that i asked scary JC friend out for dinner this past sunday. it turns out that she'd resolved her relationship problem, and is now dating my secondary school friend. personally, i'm happy that she seems happier now, and they do seem to be a good (better) match for each other. not that i had issues with her ex...he was nice enough, but i just felt that there was a bit of a mismatch in wavelengths between him and her, and between him and me when we hung out. of course, i may be biased since the new boyfriend is my friend, after all. but enough about that. privacy concerns and all.

so...what did they have to say about job advice? i ran some thoughts by them, like potential future jobs, things i thought were important, some goals. for clarity, i suppose i should talk about them here too. to me, the road ahead forks into 2 major paths. first, stay in singapore, get a job in the chemical industry, keep up the learning lab gig on weekends. second, go overseas, and get a job doing something that i can do. for the overseas route, it will probably be japan, where i think "something that i can do" will be teaching english. my japanese is nowhere near good enough for a corporate environment, unless there's an opening for an english-speaking MNC. if i were to go somewhere more english-speaking, say australia, i would probably try to find an industry job, or worst case a teaching job in a university. the most immediate pros about staying in singapore are familiarity, the readily-available support network, and the potential for higher earnings due to supplementary income from the learning lab. of course, that last thing may be rendered moot if my "main" company has a strict exclusivity policy, or if any conflicts of interest arise from this. from the way i was looking at it at that time, it seemed that there was almost no benefit in going overseas.

scary JC friend responded almost exactly how i predicted she would when i told her about this dilemma. she asked me what i really wanted. we worked out that if a company in japan offered me a contract of up to 2 years, i would take it. any more than that would be a bit too much to commit to. her focus was more on what i wanted. what do i want out of work? to make enough money to live comfortably. to have good work-life balance. to have job satisfaction. they seem like such simple ideas, but there's so much more to them in the background. i think talking to her kind of brought my attention to the fact that remuneration affects my decision more than i'd thought, because i hesitated when she asked me if i'd be willing to work in japan at a job i like, but for a lower-than-expected salary. then again, maybe it's because my finances aren't stable enough for my liking at the current moment. her view was that corporate employers don't consider grad school as "working experience", even though the job scope is about the same as an industrial lab, albeit on a smaller scale. like my NUS professor friend, she reminded me that i should modulate my expectations and be prepared to start from zero if necessary. at the same time, she encouraged me to go overseas (to japan in particular) if the opportunity arose. she believes that i would do well there. it's nice to have a vote of confidence.

my friend had a more unique point of view, which i didn't/don't really think about. i turned 30 a few months ago. assuming i retire at 65, that gives me 35 years of working time at most. it's not short by any means, meaning that i shouldn't be afraid to venture into the unknown and possibly fail. after all, even if i really mess up and waste 5 years, there are still 30 more years left for me to recover and/or start again. at the same time, why should i waste any of the upcoming 35 years doing something that i don't like? well, maybe for the money, but that's only going to be for the short term. i realize that i wouldn't want to work solely for money. if i did, i would have signed full-time with the learning lab. it's not that straightforward, though. there are many other factors that i didn't really go into specifics about. for instance, if the learning lab offered me $8000 per month and up, i probably would have taken up the full-time offer already, and be prepared to work there until i retire or die. but again, this is rather simplistic and i won't explore the underlying assumptions too much.

taking all of that into account, and having done a bit more soul-searching, i've come up with a plan of action. my desire for perfect knowledge in most situations drove me to ask to meet up with a singaporean blogger who's currently working in japan as an english teacher when she comes back for CNY. hopefully talking to her will give me a more balanced picture of what to expect, things i should be aware of, and other things which may have been obscured by the attractiveness of living in japan. for the japan track, i also plan to write to a few universities to ask about the possibility of teaching scientific english. at the same time, i'm applying for some more local positions in chemical companies, branching out into oil and gas this time along with a few more pharma companies. i'm hoping for any sort of reply by february. oh, that reminds me. i'll have to go down to the NUS career fair too. maybe an opportunity will present itself there, although my friend has said that several of the big chemical companies aren't making an appearance. not a very rosy picture, but well, that's how the situation is at this point. i should also remind myself not to jump on the first offer that comes along, unless it's something that really gets me interested. as of now, i have no plans to pursue teaching in singapore beyond what i'm currently doing at the learning lab. let's see if that stand will change over time.

right now, i think that i need to do something better with my time, preferably in exchange for monetary compensation. sadly, most of the things that do give monetary compensation also require a contract of some duration, usually for 6 months or up to a year. i can't afford to sign something like that now, especially with potential job opportunities incoming over the next few months. wish there was something more ad-hoc that i could do, like delivery driving, or some temporary admin job. but well...maybe i shouldn't complain too much. after all. i bet there are working professionals who wish they could be rotting at home all day. have to get back to the gym too; been away for almost a month. need to re-sign a package when my next paycheck comes in. oh! i didn't realize that united square revised their parking fees until i got hit by higher-than-normal carpark charges this past weekend. i think i paid 50% more on average. well, it was good while it lasted. i've got two potential new spots, but the fees listed sound a little too good to be true for the novena area. will give it a try this weekend.

-random thought of the day: Where did my Asian Games hoodie go!?-

Recent events have left my heart feeling full. reconnecting with a few friends and teachers will do that, i suppose. let's recap them in somewhat chronological order. on friday night, i went to united square to print notes for my early morning class on saturday. figured that it was better to prep earlier rather than later. since i was in the general vicinity, i messaged scary JC friend to see if she wanted a lift home after work. she agreed, but she wasn't going home. she was going to meet her bowling friend/my secondary school classmate for drinks somewhere in kovan, and she asked me along too. along with that friend, there were 2 other cat high guys there too, one of whom was rather notorious in our schooldays. he didn't remember me, but i certainly remembered him. looking at him now, though, you'd never believe me if i told you what he was like in secondary school. if there ever was a poster boy for "turning your life around", he'd be it. he told me his story, which involved several detours through another secondary school, polytechnic, JC, then NS and university. he's a lawyer-in-training now, so i guess things worked out eventually. it's true what my friend said, there probably isn't any cat high guy from our year who's doing poorly. or if there is, we don't know about it. i guess he's also proof that given enough time, people can grow up and mature. i wouldn't have associated with him in secondary school because he was a scary ah beng type, but i found myself enjoying our conversation immensely that night. we do have plans to catch up again soon for me to introduce some good sake to him, and he has plans to get me drunk. we'll see how that last one goes.

talking to him got me thinking about people from previous stages in life. so, i went to visit a few of my previous teachers, starting with my primary 5 and 6 form teacher, who's now a vice-principal in another primary school. she was almost exactly how i remembered her. we had a nice conversation reminiscing about the past (her catchphrase of "i punch your face" has been retired due to the changing sensitivities of modern-day kids) and figuring out what happened to my old classmates. i think i only know the whereabouts of maybe less than 10 of them. come to think of it, i'm not all that close to the primary school people. consequences of being a weird, unsocial kid, i guess. if i had to rank each stage of my life based on the number and quality of friendships, the current standing would be university in first place, JC in second, secondary school in third, then army and primary school tying for last place. it just occurred to me that next year is the 20th anniversary of graduating from primary school. my goodness, how did 20 years pass by!?

next stop was to see my JC form teacher, who left CJC together with us and has been at his current school for the past 12 years. he hasn't changed much either. we reconnected quite readily, and somehow i felt that he was talking to me on a more equal level. but i still can't seem to shake the feeling of being in the lower status of a student when talking to my old teachers. i was happy to learn that he's doing well, enjoying his life and his job. he gave me some career advice, and told me to consider taking up teaching. not regular MOE teaching, mind you, but teaching at an international school or for IB. apparently it's decent money, and opens up the path to an international stage since the IB is offered in various countries. it's an interesting thought, but i'll talk about job prospects later.

last stop for that day was cat high, where i very briefly caught my sec 1 and 2 form teacher as he was rushing to a meeting. he didn't remember my name, which is not exactly surprising. i mean, how many students have come and gone under his charge in the (at least) 18 years that he's been in the school? i also took a walk around the place for a bit, and it's changed even more since my last visit...which is natural, i guess. there's a lot of posters about chinese history and culture, display cases of ceramics and stuff...feels a little like a museum or an art exhibit. i'll say though, that if i were a student there now, i think i would enjoy going to school for the aesthetic value. apart from that teacher, all the people who taught me in my 4 years there had left. i mean sure, there were teachers still there that i recognized, but they never taught me. it feels familiar, yet foreign. like, the basic architecture of the school remained the same, such that if you were to drop me in any part of the school, i'd probably recognize it and be able to get my bearings. but with practically 99% of the people being different, there's a sense of not belonging there any more. it still feels like home, but a home where nobody recognizes you. i suppose it's a natural consequence of the flow of time.

had dinner with some of the chemistry guys at the suntec guild house. it's nice to have friends who make the effort to meet up, especially now that we're all not together in school any more. jobless me aside, none of them work in the same company, which is why i really appreciate that we still find time for each other. it was nice getting caught up with everyone and reminiscing about some events that happened in school. everyone seems to be doing well, which is reassuring. out of the 5 of us there last night, 3 are single, 1 is engaged, and 1 is married. i know that it's not a race, but a small part of me wants to find a partner. thankfully, most of me still agrees on remaining single and working on myself before turning my focus outwards. there are slightly more practical concerns, though, like finding a house and finding the money for a house. no doubt it would be easier with the income from two people, but that probably isn't a good enough reason to go rushing into a relationship.

job prospects now. i'm still waiting to hear back from 5 other chemical companies. well, 4. apparently one filled the position already. thankfully, my #1 choice still has the vacancy open, so we'll see. it's been 2 weeks out of the stated 1 month waiting period, so i suppose that there is still hope. in the meantime, i will probably apply to other companies, including non-pharma ones. one of the other chemistry guys did say that his company was looking to hire, but that's more to the medical side. at this point in time, i'm not desperate enough to start applying for jobs with only loose connections to my degree, but maybe i should give it a try anyway. as for teaching, i'm not entirely sure that i want to make a career out of teaching. i've always seen myself as being more at home in a lab as opposed to the front of a classroom. but i don't deny that there are upsides to teaching as compared to a corporate job. more time off from work, for one, and the content basically remains the same, with minor changes to the syllabus once every 5 years or so. i'm fairly certain that they're not going to move the current university syllabus down to secondary school, although a little might seep into JC. even then, i'm pretty sure that the knowledge from my undergrad times will be sufficient to teach at JC level. interestingly, more than a few people that i talked to asked if i was looking overseas for job opportunities. so far, i haven't really applied overseas, but it's becoming increasingly attractive as an option. if i had free choice in where i want to go (well, i kind of do), i would pick japan or australia as they are reasonably close by, and i've enjoyed my time as a tourist in those countries. i'm not brave enough to buy a one-way ticket to somewhere like south america and start from scratch there.

you know, it seems that a good way to be successful is to find a niche market. and a good formula for job satisfaction is doing something that you are good at, and enjoy doing. i've identified a potential niche that i could cater to quite well, and that's teaching scientific english in japan. the english learning industry is apparently huge over there, but most schools only seem to advertise either general or business english. apparently, osaka university has come up with a scientific english program as well, so there seems to be a need for it. maybe i'll start enquiring down this track too. it's a little too late to go after the JET program, unless i'm aiming for next year's intake. hopefully i won't be unemployed for that long. JET aside, there are also private schools teaching (usually spoken) english, but i wonder if there's a market for written english as well. should probably do a bit more research in this direction, and weigh the pros and cons again.

been working at the learning lab for about 3.5 months now, and i think i've got a pretty good overall view of the situation. i'm generally happy with the staff and work routine, though i'm still questioning their decision to have me teach lower sec bio. i guess it's a way for them to get more value for their money, but if you ask me honestly, i'd say that i provide almost no additional value by teaching a subject that i have no experience in. having been through the education system for physics and chemistry, i can tell the kids important definitions, concepts, and formulae. for bio, everything looks like general knowledge to me. what i'm doing is using the learning outcomes at the start of the notes and shaping the lesson around that. it seems to work for now, so that's good in a way. i was a little annoyed by some teachers not leaving instructions on what to cover. now that it's regular term time, the teachers have more flexibility of what to teach in class, since students from different schools will be learning different things for the same subject. as you'll know, i like to operate on perfect knowledge as far as possible, so not having a plan gets kind of frustrating. and as luck would have it, it's a bio teacher whose class i've had to cover. it wouldn't be that bad for physics and chem, because i only need minimal preparation before going into class. that's not the case for bio. well...i'm just hoping that this teacher doesn't take too much leave. sure, leave is an entitlement, but i've covered that class about 4 times in the past 2 months. it's not good that the kids see a cover teacher almost as much as their regular teacher. that reminds me, i've got to block off leave for my friend's wedding in china.

nothing much scheduled in the near future, just more job hunting and exploring options outside of the chemical industry. it's odd how my blogging frequency is decreasing despite my free time. at least the posts are longer, so i hope that makes up for it somewhat. i do have one more place to visit (likely tomorrow), and several post ideas to develop on. along with "why i won't have kids", "my impression of a typical singaporean" is also something that came to mind. maybe i should talk a bit about my thoughts towards renouncing singaporean citizenship, and linked to that, what's keeping me attached to singapore. oh! evaluating my life's choices so far seems plausible too. all of those sound like pretty good ideas; guess i'll work through them slowly.

-random thought of the day: Need to be more active.-

Started a post on monday, but never got around to finishing it because i went out for dinner. more on that later. in the meantime, let's talk about dinner with final fantasy guy first. that was last friday, where we had ramen at cineleisure. he's more attractive in real life than in photos (to me, at least). we had pretty good conversation over dinner, which was nice. honestly, i don't know if we will become an item or not. based on the things he said, i do realize that we are somewhat different in terms of personality, and at different stages of life, to boot. but it's good to know that people like him still exist in the world. he seems so incredibly perfect, and therein lies a problem too. he was saying that sometimes, people intentionally date flawed people in order to try and fix them, something like "saviour complex" which i experienced in my interaction with 野郎. turns out that he wasn't in need of saving...he was just ruled by his hormones. i'm not sure why this complex exists; maybe it helps the "saviour" feel that their actions are more significant and that they are making an impact in someone else's life. so i think you can imagine that when dating someone who doesn't need any "saving", people might be a little intimidated, and/or think that they can't bring any value to the relationship. it's not exactly a correct train of thought, but i can understand why people would think that way. in the specific case between me and final fantasy guy, i don't think that i'd be intimidated by that. based on past experience, the ex was quite self-sufficient, and that wasn't the reason for the eventual breakup. but final fantasy guy has said that he needs his alone time too, like he'll isolate himself for a while after extended social interaction...to the point of not replying messages. not sure if i can handle that. i mean, i do do the isolation thing too, but i would definitely check my messages and reply if it was someone important. well, i don't want to rush into things, so the current status of being friends who game together and meet occasionally is fine with me. there was one thing about our meeting that was simultaneously annoying and reassuring at the same time. he had scheduled to meet someone after dinner to collect some cosplay stuff, and didn't tell me beforehand until a few hours before the dinner. i usually keep my time free if i'm meeting someone, in case it takes longer than expected. i suppose i have no right to be annoyed, since we did just say it was a dinner meeting. but the reassuring thing was that he said that we'd have a longer/less rushed dinner in future, implying that there'd be a next time. not sure when (or if) he'll remember, or when his schedule will allow for another dinner meeting, but i think it was a decent save, given the circumstances.

didn't do much over the weekend, or indeed for most of this week too. think i need to get out of the house more. had wanted to check out the gym at safra tampines, but i remembered why i don't usually visit other mainstream gyms. they all require people to be wearing shoes when training! maybe it's the effect of training in judo, or the asian custom of not wearing shoes at home, but i find shoes to be uncomfortable. that's not to say that i'm a barefoot hippie, though if given a choice, i will usually pick slippers over shoes unless i know that there are certain constraints, like formality or safety considerations. i'll probably go for a new genesis package soon, after this month's payday. just hoping that the month-long absence won't undo too much of the work that i've put in so far.

on monday, which was when i wrote the unpublished version of this post, i had two major plans: visit city square mall, and meet scary JC friend. took a noontime drive to city square mall, with the intention of checking out the decathlon store there to see if they sold foam rollers. they do, but it's the short, hollow kind...exactly the opposite of what i was looking for! have to order it online, i guess. though i didn't buy anything, it wasn't exactly a wasted trip. i got to compare prices, and it seems that paying about $30 for a solid long foam roller is justifiable, considering that the hollow short ones cost from $15 to $25. bonus was that they offered free lunchtime parking. seems like more and more malls are doing that these days. since this was only my 4th time (at most) visiting city square mall, i also spent some time walking around to get a feel for the layout and the types of shops there. it's actually bigger than i'd thought. i'd estimate it to be about 2/3 the size of vivocity. there's a surprising variety of shops there! apart from the usual food and supermarket, there's a fitness first branch, a private school/institution for exam preparation, golden village cinema, and several early education tuition centres. most amazingly, they had this huge aerial netted playground suspended in the middle of the mall. it spanned 3 storeys at least. would have loved to give it a try, but common sense and cowardice won out. not sure how often i'll go back there, since it's kind of out of the way of my usual haunts. nevertheless, it's good to know alternative venues to find stuff.

had a strange role reversal with scary JC friend at dinner. usually, i'm the one going to her about relationship problems, but this time round, she was the one who wanted to talk about her relationship problems. in the interest of her privacy, i won't say too much about what the exact problem is. but it was quite...interesting to see her having trouble with coming to a final decision. she's normally extremely decisive and handles the consequences of her decisions as they come up, so seeing her hesitate was quite new. after she told me all the details of the issue, i reached pretty much the same conclusion as she did. now, i'm under no illusion of being able to affect her decisions; she's too strong-willed for that. i guess she just needed confirmation that her initial decision was the best one that she could possibly make. only thing is that she has trouble with actually going through with it. it's a matter of timing, i suppose. whatever the case is, i think she'll be ok. since we were meeting anyway, and to take her mind off things, i told her about dinner with final fantasy guy. her opinion is that it may work out, but not right now. we're at different stages of life - him schooling, me entering the workforce. it's significantly different enough that our schedules won't match, plus with the age gap, it's more than likely that our thoughts and priorities will be different. i see the sense in that, though i wonder how couples who met in undergrad but then took different paths can survive. like my friend, who's in grad school but whose wife is working. well, i'm doing my best to not rush into anything, so i guess it's for the best at this point of time.

another interesting thing that happened on monday was that my secondary school friend was invited to the dinner. the world is truly both larger and smaller than we imagine. it's not that complicated, actually. i was friends and CCA mates with this guy in secondary school, even classmates in lower secondary. we both went on to CJC, and he continued in bowling, which was where he met scary JC friend. they'd only recently got back in contact too, and seemed to be hitting it off well. before this dinner, the last time i saw him was maybe 3 years ago, at a gathering at another classmate's house. we didn't really talk much then, on account of not having talked for like, 10 years prior to that, but we caught up a fair bit on monday. of all the topics on which to find common ground with each other, we found it in pens! he's incorporating fountain pens into his daily work, which i find admirable. should do the same once i land a job. i was initially surprised that we had that topic in common, but then i remembered that he was one of the more artistic kids in our year. scary JC friend was a little surprised at how much and how quickly we were at ease with each other, but then again, i don't think it's all that strange. he's a nice guy, and we were reasonably close due to CCA and being in the same class. it was kind of like picking up where we left off. we went to his place in serangoon to continue the conversation, and because both of them wanted to drink. i met his dad, who used to give some of the bowling kids a lift to marina bay MRT after training on CCA days. he's changed a fair bit...then again, i suppose 17 years will change just about anyone. we reminisced about a great many things, and talked about planning a small cat high get-together around CNY. that's something to look forward to, i think.

job hunting hasn't been going as smoothly as i'd have liked. then again, i suppose that i'm bound to encounter setbacks at some point. i'll admit to having been extremely lucky so far in graduating and getting the weekend gig with the learning lab. out of the 6 companies i applied to, one of them replied within the same day to get me to do this psychological assessment thing, which i did. they then said that they wouldn't be considering my application any further. i don't know if the assessment had an impact on that, or if i was applying for a job that was too far below my qualifications. for what it's worth, i didn't give "textbook" answers to the assessment. i chose the responses that best indicated how i'd actually react in the situations that were presented to me. well...i don't know. considering that the average time taken for some chemistry grads i know to find a job is upwards of 3 months, it would be optimistic to the point of foolishness to think that my first job application would succeed. nevertheless, there are 5 more companies to which i've already applied, and many more to which i plan to send applications, so i'm definitely expecting that it will take some time. but everything happens for a reason. i'm sure that things will work out in a way that's the best for me. i wonder, should i consider overseas employment opportunities? that's a thought that i'll explore in another post.

-random thought of the day: Clean up my phone's contact list.-

Is the universe really working so that things go in my favour!? i had decided to start on job applications today, and was editing my resume. on a whim, i opened my NUS email, to find that they'd sent me the conferment letter! so my degree and new status is official. it just leaves me to say bow before my feet that the friendships or relationships built through the years don't change with this development. that would be incredibly shallow. but going back to job application, i guess that this gives me a bit more certainty, as i can now confidently say that i've got the degree. applied to 6 big chemical companies today, hope that something comes out of this. i'm keeping civil service jobs as a second option/backup, because i would really prefer not to work for government agencies.

this new year is a bit busier than normal. i've had several dinner appointments lined up, first of which being one last night with some of the judo elders. my host from australia, along with his wife, came back to singapore to settle some things, so we got together for a meal. i really can't believe that he's 79 years old. his mind is sharp, and he looks like he could take on someone a decade younger. i'm happy to see that he's still healthy and enjoying life. he's also quite up-to-date with current affairs, which is really admirable. hopefully i have the chance to visit him again soon. tonight's dinner is with my big brother figure, who i haven't seen since sometime in december. got a few things to catch him up on, i suppose. lastly, dinner tomorrow is with final fantasy guy. we're having ramen in orchard. not my first choice of place to go, but i'm not complaining. not too sure how it will go, but i'll just hope for the best at this point.

right. i've got another 3-ish hours to go before dinner. since we're meeting at waterway point, i'll take the chance to go to the m1 shop and clarify some doubts about my data usage and recontracting my plan. apart from the stuff already mentioned, i don't think there's any other significant events in the upcoming week. seems like a good time to just relax before work comes along.

-random thought of the day: Get a haircut.-

For close to the past decade, NUS has occupied a significant portion of my thoughts during the new year period. be it about pulling up my grades, what modules to take, or the progress of my research, my mind has never strayed too far from school. this year though, none of those things matter any more. the only thing i'm thinking about is when my conferment email will come in. i met the submission deadline for my degree to be conferred in january, so i'm hoping that it arrives sometime this week.

like i mentioned yesterday, i'm coming out into the working world this year. it certainly presents a new and somewhat different set of challenges. i'm sure that the skills required to handle some challenges can be carried over, like dealing with people, problem solving, and negotiating win-wins. actually, the first challenge would be to find a job. hopefully that won't take longer than 2 months. i think i'll approach my desired company directly first. failing that, i'll do the career fair and recruitment firm alternatives together.

romance-wise, while getting in a good relationship would be nice, i think i'll be ok with remaining single for a while longer. there are a couple of reasons behind this thought, namely that (1) not being satisfied with my own appearance will be a huge stumbling block, and (2) i'd save money by not dating. as you may have read, my bank account needs to be built back up so that there's a larger safety net below me. i should also use this opportunity to remind myself that looks aren't everything. no physical attribute can make up for a lousy personality. it's probably a timely reminder too, because i've been feeling a little jealous when i see people posting about their dates and encounters. i just wish that i could be in their position. maybe that will happen after i reach what i consider to be attractive? it might be TMI for some, but i guess i should say that there are different standards when considering someone for a relationship vs for something with no emotional attachment.

now that i have a sort-of stable job, i should start planning my finances and savings. considering that i'm working 2 jobs, my aim is to have 5 digits in my bank account by the end of the year. this is assuming that there's no sudden huge expenditure, of course. i've planned for things like insurance premiums and car servicing, which have been forecast. as long as i don't fall unexpectedly ill, or have to fork out money for traffic tickets or anything like that, i think it should be ok.

i haven't really been in the habit of making resolutions for the past few years. i find that it's unnecessarily pressurizing, especially in the case where you get to the end of the year and realize how far away you still are from meeting some of the resolutions. in general, what i try to do is to be a better person with each passing day. the definition of "better" is subjective, though. in my case, i interpret that to mean improving myself in some way. whether it's learning something new, being nicer/kinder to people who deserve it, or lifting heavier weights in the gym. as long as we do the best we can, i think that's about all we can ask for.

ok, i think that's it for now. i'm going into 2019 with several dinner plans to catch up with friends and people important to me. final fantasy guy did ask about dinner plans, so that's a positive sign. i'm hoping that something good will come out of this, but well...let's see how things go. if you've stuck with me so far, here's wishing you a productive year.

-random thought of the day: Remember to watch the food intake.-