Leftover thoughts from yesterday: weird dreams, JET, and divorce.

weird dream #1 was more of a nightmare. two nights ago, i dreamt that i was walking down the corridor outside the synthesis teaching lab in NUS, and my professor pulled me into a room and wanted me to defend my thesis on the spot. considering that it's been a year and a half since my actual defense, i forgot most of the details and only managed to give a half-assed presentation. i got scolded upside down for that, and although it was only a dream, it made me feel quite bad even after i woke up and realized that it never actually happened. i wonder if this means i still have trauma from grad school, or unresolved guilt?

as for weird dream #2, it happened this past night. so for some context, i watch youtube videos of this guy and his dog. they live out of a van in the UK (but have temporarily moved into a house because of the lockdown), and they explore all over the country. in this dream, i was driving them around, and we had to stop at a carpark gantry located on an up-slope. i jammed on the brake in the dream, and that foot movement somehow got translated to real life. what that meant was that i extended my foot and kicked my fan off the bed! i was awoken by the resulting crash, which i also heard in my dream. thankfully, the fan survived, although one of the pegs/pins that hold the front cover in place broke off again due to the impact. it had broken off before, but i managed to glue it back in place. not sure if i want to glue it again, because the glue residue from the previous time makes the joint match up less flush-ly. solvent welding did come to mind, but i'm not sure what type of plastic the pin and casing are made out of. even if i knew that, i don't have access to suitable solvents any more. oh well. 2 out of 3 pins seem to still be enough to hold the cover in place, so i think i'll leave it until it needs fixing.

got an email from the nice japan embassy lady recently. she was writing to inform us that the deadline for document submission was extended. again, not something that i have to worry about as i'd submitted everything WAY ahead of the original deadline. it did kind of suggest to me that JET would be going on as planned, in spite of the world situation. that gives me some relief/reassurance, and something to look forward to in these times.

a facebook friend shared a video that a singaporean youtube channel published. the video was about the channel's founders, a husband and wife, who had gotten divorced. before going any further, i want to declare that i don't think divorce is necessarily a bad thing, nor do i judge people who have been divorced. in the youtubers' case, they said that they prioritized work, deadlines, their staff, basically everything else over their marriage, and that caused the both of them to fall out of love with each other. what was interesting to me though, is that both of them still said that they love each other. but it wasn't romantic love any more, it became more like love for family/best friends. i think it takes a great deal of maturity for that to happen. and of course, ending the relationship on a good note. one thing they mentioned stood out to me - that nobody goes into a marriage with the intention to divorce. i'll add on to say that that's assuming that you genuinely want the marriage to work, and are not after money or anything like that. i don't know...it's like we're fed the narrative of first love lasting forever, happily ever after. and when that doesn't happen (as often is the case), we may experience negative thoughts, like feeling that we are failures, or that there's something wrong with us, or that we don't deserve to be loved. i think we have to remind ourselves that there are many external factors at play, and not to mention that we're growing and developing as people all the time. it can be that two people who were suited for each other at the time of their marriage subsequently grew in different directions. long story short, having a relationship (or marriage) not work out doesn't necessarily mean that we are bad people, and there shouldn't be any stigma with dating divorcees. if anything, they'd have probably learned from their previous marriage and will be a better partner. maybe i'm looking too deeply into this and creating meaning when there is actually none, but i see the parallels to my job situation. here's hoping japan will be a better "partner" for me than the IP firm was.

-random thought of the day: CB is almost over!-

Due to life being basically at a standstill, it takes longer for things to accumulate and exceed the critical mass to warrant a blog post. the last post was close to 2 weeks ago! as you might expect, there hasn't been any significant change, although i do have updates on a few things mentioned in the previous post.

let's start with the air-con. the drain line is still blocked, and siphoning condensed water out of the collection tray every 2 hours or so has become routine. the issue, which perhaps the more perceptive people have spotted, is that i generally don't sleep in 2-hour blocks, so that means having the air-con on throughout the night will lead to the collection tray overflowing and dripping onto the floor. to avoid that problem, my body's somehow trained itself into a kind of "biphasic" sleep routine. i put "biphasic" in quotes because i think a true biphasic sleep cycle has a relatively long period of wakefulness in between the two sleep phases, so the term isn't very accurate in my case. what happens is that i'll siphon the water off before sleeping, generally between 12:00am and 2:00am. i'll naturally wake up 2 to 3 hours later to siphon the water off again. before going back to sleep, i'll turn on the air-con's timed auto-shutoff feature, with the timer set for about 3 hours. i'll also turn the fan on at a low setting to take over cooling duty once the air-con shuts off automatically while i'm still asleep. seems troublesome, but it's better than the alternative of only having the fan on. a fan can only do so much against the hot, humid nights.

i'm still sitting on the response to letter guy. it's a combination of procrastination, having better things to do (final fantasy), and just not knowing how to start. there are many things to address, with him contacting me at my actual physical address being a major point. i also don't yet know what tone i want to take with him in my reply. maybe i should start an outline, that might help get my thoughts in order.

as you might have gathered, final fantasy is my main pastime these days. being part of the guild management now, i'm a little more heavily involved in routine operational tasks, as well as some administrative things that normal members never get to see. it's interesting, to be part of a team with such a different approach to conflict and conflict resolution. they're more upfront about it, and what i find most intriguing/admirable is that they don't take it personally. i'm enjoying it so far, and i'm getting along with the committee just fine. there have been a couple of dicey situations over the past few days, involving members being kicked for botting, feedback received against some people in positions of authority, and an oddly persistent applicant. i'll talk more about the first and third things.

starting with the last thing first, this happened last night/early this morning. to join our guild, you have to go through an interview. nothing really invasive, like we don't ask about your personal life. this applicant mentioned that he wanted to join the guild to "make friends and get them to play". verbatim quote, by the way. i took issue with the phrase "get them to play"; we previously had a bad experience with a (now ex-)member who was expecting to be immediately invited to a party to reclear raids after having joined us for just one day. as a result, we declined this application, in fear of the same thing happening again. normally, most people would accept it and move on to find another guild. not this guy. he started private messaging members who were online and asked them for their interview answers, presumably so that he could try to reapply and smoke through the interview. i don't know, but that just screams "singaporean" to me. always looking for model answers. it's a learning moment for me too - sometimes, people want things so much that they'll resort to weird measures out of desperation. not judging, because i've done it as well. not one of my prouder moments, and it was all for nothing, too. yes, it was related to the ex. also, the grass is always greener on the other side. don't get me wrong, i think my guild is great. but i also know that we are not suited for everyone, and that there are other guilds out there that may be a better fit for certain people.

"botting" is defined as using a third-party program to fully automate certain in-game tasks, to the point where your character still does things despite you not actively controlling them. specific to final fantasy, that's mainly crafting and gathering, although people have been known to bot in dungeons as well. there are those who bot to level characters just to sell the account for profit, but that's not part of this discussion. i've done some reading on botting forums, and the main reason people do it on their personal accounts is to escape the grind of levelling. as someone who has manually levelled all crafting and gathering classes (8 and 3 respectively) to maximum, i do understand the rationale. but the developers have made it so easy to level now, there's no excuse. not to mention various features present in-game to make it less painful - quick crafting, quick gathering (although you still have to move point to point), and user macros, where you can craft with one touch of a button. square enix classifies botting as cheating, which i agree with. however, in a world where natural resources are infinite and there is basically no competition for them, is use of a botting program really "wrong"? i think it depends on the user's desired outcome. i'm more likely to be forgiving to a user who bots to just be self-sufficient, like just so that he can craft his own gear, as opposed to a user who bots for items to sell them at a profit. the reason is that in the latter case, the user is earning money dishonestly, which can be used to compete for scarce resources - namely, housing. having said that, i'd still report both users in the cases mentioned above. thankfully, having money will not give much of an advantage in raids, and the requirement for being skilled at your battle class weighs far more than the advantage that buyable equipment provides.

we're at the point in the current raid tier where i'm in the midst of learning the final fight. i think that i might get very upset with it. well, i say "it", but i really mean "myself for being slow at learning it". had a practice session yesterday, which was good, although i was hoping to progress a little further than where we actually got to. just have to remind myself that it's not a race, and that i can progress at my own pace. it would help to get better gear too, but my loot rolls have been abysmal for the past 3 weeks. here's hoping that that will improve. another thing that i wish would improve is the condition of my left wrist. it kind of hurts at the outer edge of the wrist, or the area that leads to the little finger. i think it might be a repetitive strain injury of some sort. maybe it's a sign to play less?

back in undergrad days, i used to keep long hair, like my hair reached about shoulder-length and had to be tied up. it started out as a "because i can" thing after NS, and it stuck for about 3 years. i only cut it because i was given the opportunity to represent singapore for an international judo event. our result wasn't great, so nothing to talk about there. anyway, the reason i'm mentioning that is that i have absolutely no idea how i managed to tolerate the heat! right now, my hair is like halfway covering my ears and neck and i already feel like screaming from discomfort. the last time i got a haircut was sometime in march, or maybe february. definitely before the CB started. i think that i'll have to go get my hair cut before i go crazy. and with CB ending and singapore entering phase 1 of recovery on tuesday, that seems like the perfect time. have to get the car serviced and inspected too; hope it still starts.

-random thought of the day: I need a shave too.-

Conflict seems to be a recurring theme in my dreams as of late. last night, i dreamt that one of my insurance agents was trying to get me to buy some financial product. that made me lose my temper for some reason, and there was a heated shouting match. well...i say "shouting match", but it was more one-sided where i was yelling at him. it also angered me enough that i removed all my policies under this agent and put them under another agent who i trust more. i have absolutely no idea what triggered this dream, but i think that i should actually consolidate all my policies under one agent. i have 2 agents now, and i don't exactly feel comfortable with one of them. to put it bluntly, i think someone else is better off earning my money. quite sad, considering the full circumstances, but i won't go into that due to privacy concerns.

my air-con decided to malfunction a couple of days ago. it's a particularly bad time, because the weather is hot(ter than usual), and also because CB means that the people who do air-con repairs can't come over to fix it. thankfully, it's not a serious problem. i think that the drain line is blocked somehow, so the condensed water that forms accumulates in the unit and drips onto the floor after a while. what i did initially was to use a dropper to manually suck up the water and transfer it out of the collection tray, but that took too much time and effort. imagine - my dropper's capacity is 2.5mL. there was about 600mL of water in the tray. after doing that once, i got the bright idea to siphon the water out. problem was, i didn't have any hoses/tubes/pipes to use as a siphon, unlike back in the lab. after some quick thinking on my part, i found and used a bendy straw, and that worked. quite proud of myself for thinking of that. so, until the air-con guy can come over, i have to siphon the water off every so often while the air-con is on. and i can't have it on through the night, or the water will build up and overflow. minor inconveniences, but having cold air is worth the hassle.

remember how i received a letter some time back, from someone i didn't give my address to? well, he sent a follow-up. in it, he claims that he deduced my address from a photo i sent him that was taken from my window. considering his area of study, it seems feasible. but the skeptic in me wonders how he got the exact floor right. maybe it's because i can't do it/don't know how to do it, but i find it not really believable. but well...it's already happened, so nothing i can do to change that. i think that i will write him a reply, but i'll have to take my time to plan everything out and say exactly what i mean. at this point, i'm not sure how things will go in the future with this guy. i don't see myself in a relationship with him, or us interacting in any other way, really. so maybe this is more of a closure thing? well, at least that'll occupy some of my time.

the CB is scheduled to end in about 2 weeks. the government has said that things will be restored in phases, which isn't very helpful in the absence of more elaboration. if i had to guess though, i'd say that tuition is low on the priority list for normal operations to resume. i wonder if i'll be teaching from home all the way until i have to resign for JET? guess i'll find out with time. meanwhile, have to get started on the reply.

-random thought of the day: Time to venture out and get a haircut?-

Being sick isn't fun. as you know, i was feeling lousy over the weekend. thankfully, that got resolved by spending a night sweating it out. not the most comfortable experience, but it's usually effective. i might have had a fever, but i didn't have a way to tell as my NUS-issued thermometer was on the fritz. low battery, maybe. i was contemplating going to the doctor, but had second thoughts due to the current situation. my reasoning is that i stand a higher chance of catching the virus by going out, especially to the clinic. so, unless a medical condition is intolerable, or shows worrying symptoms, i'm better off staying at home and self-medicating/resting and letting my immune system fight it off over time.

conclusion is that i'm basically ok now, except for some slight gastrointestinal problems. i don't think it's linked to the headache/chills, so it's just something i have to get over separately. the best way i can describe it is like i feel full/bloated. maybe i've been having too much oily food, as was the case in yunnan almost a year ago. i should take back control of my own meals/nutrition. there are a couple of learning points for me here. first, i have to accept responsibility for myself. second, my issue with junk food really boils down to availability. like, there hasn't been anything snack-y in the fridge since the CB, and i've been surviving just fine. contrast this to some guild members who go out of their way to order bubble tea, and i'm confident in saying that i don't have an addiction. the silver lining is that since that full feeling means that i don't really feel hungry, i'm basically eating one meal a day. good for lower calorie intake, i guess. i'm still on vitamin supplements and don't have much output in the form of physical activity, so i think i'll still be ok.

had a couple of weird dreams last night, first involving being back in JC. nothing too eventful there, just that i dreamt about friends who i haven't seen in a long time. wonder what prompted that? the second dream was about army. i dreamt that they called me back for 24 hours to take care of the building while the company was outfield. there was a whole roster of new people, including a certain sergeant moo. i only know of one person with that last name, and i don't even know that person personally. unfortunately, the dream also contained my CSM from my NS days, who i really don't get along with. after waking up, i asked myself what i'd do if i met him again today. now that regimented army life with him being more high-ranking is just a memory, i'd probably ignore him unless he approached me first. and if he tried to get physical like he used to (not in an abusive way, more like roughhousing), i'd retaliate (perhaps a little more aggressively than absolutely necessary). that's about it. but it's just a random train of thought. i've not seem him since my ORD day 11+ years ago, and i have no reason to believe that i'll ever see him again. even then, some things are hard to shake off, i guess. he was a major source of misery for those 18 or so months i spent in unit. but that's in the past, and i should remind myself so when i think about it.

-random thought of the day: Come on, body. Get better!-

Ever since the CB started, i've not left the house. model citizen, right here! come to think about it, i may not have left the house even before CB started. so that's about 6 to 7 weeks at home. on top of that, i mostly keep to myself at home, so that's 6 to 7 weeks practically in isolation. yet somehow, i'm still starting to fall sick. it's a cough, sore throat, headache combo. don't think it's COVID-related...at least i hope it isn't. in the worst case, i suppose i'll have to go to the doctor sometime next week if the symptoms persist. no fever or respiratory distress, so that's going for me. another thing going for me is that i don't have classes tomorrow, so i get to rest my voice. thank goodness for small miracles.

an interesting development in the guild has left me with mixed feelings. one of the guild officers has decided to stop playing final fantasy regularly, and he informed the rest of the committee about his decision at the most recent meeting this past thursday. this led to the leader looking for a replacement, and he chose me. the rest of the committee were in agreement (or at least weren't in disagreement), so i was promoted! although i feel that this promotion is a good thing, i still have some mixed feelings. of course, i'm happy and honoured that my contributions to the organization were recognized, and being in this new role makes it easier for me to do things for the guild because the rank comes with access to more guild functions. at the same time, a part of me also knows that this promotion doesn't mean anything in the real-life career advancement aspect. like, it's not an achievement i can bring to a job interview, nor does it improve my standing in real life. so, while i'm extremely happy about it, i just wish that my actual work life would go this well too. but to look at it from another perspective, if i can achieve this in-game, what's stopping me from achieving this in real life? something for me to think about, i guess.

it's quite stupid, in a sense, to compare game progression with real life, simply because the circumstances are different. like my in-game character doesn't age, doesn't get sick or injured, and can be revived after dying. not to mention the instant transport from teleporting! i can't even do one of those things in real life! would be nice if i could, though. not to mention being able to change my appearance, gender, race, birthday, etc. sigh. but gaming does teach important skills that are relevant in real life too. being calm under pressure, perseverance, resource optimization, interpersonal relations, all these skills are great to have. i hope that my new appointment will give me opportunities to develop these skills (and possibly more!) further.

going to end this post off after this, because i'm not feeling too good. as stupid as it sounds, it feels like my brain hurts. and coughing just makes it worse. maybe it's because i've been staring at screens too much. it's at the point where i don't think i can survive doing anything intense, which is why i didn't sign up to help the newer members practise the raid fight. also, i went into the last fight for this tier earlier in the afternoon, and thanks to some members being nice and patient, we got past the first phase and briefly saw the second. in terms of total fight progression though, that's like 20%? don't expect to clear it for another 2 weeks at least, but maybe i'll get lucky or super motivated.

-random thought of the day: Hope I can recover soon!-

Got most of the deadline-y things settled already, so that's a relief for me. not so much for my bank account, though, but that's an unfortunate consequence. the CB is still ongoing; what's this - week 5 of 8? somewhere there. no developments on the JET front, but that's to be expected. placement results will come out in june or so. despite life being almost at a standstill, there are still things that i want to blog about. i think that's a good sign, as it shows that my brain is still active.

first on the list is weird dreams. two dreams stand out in recent memory, one involving lawyer guy, and the other involving chemical engineer cousin (on the day of our 8th facebook friend-iversary, no less!). more interestingly, i've been featured in someone else's dream too. scary JC friend just dropped me a text this morning, telling me about a bad dream she had, and my role in it. for the record, i wasn't doing her any harm in the dream. if dreams are truly a manifestation of one's subconscious, i feel kind of touched that her subconscious thought of me in a perceived time of need.

scary JC friend has also been persuaded by her boyfriend to try playing final fantasy. unfortunately, she experiences real-life motion sickness when running around in-game. i've heard of it happening to some people before, but she's the first person whom i personally know to suffer from it. i wonder what the mechanism for this "virtual motion sickness" is. i know she's fine when watching TV/movies, and she can play 2D side-scroller games like maplestory. my guess is that it might be from the camera moving too fast. i don't really get motion sick myself, except when sitting on a rear-facing seat in a bus. it's very specific, too - i don't get motion-sick when seated on the side-facing seats on a train. i can stand facing other direction on a bus too! it only happens when i'm seated. can't explain why, either. anyway, i think that means that scary JC friend won't be playing the game with us, which is fine. i would have liked to share the gaming experience with her as well, but i think it's not essential to our friendship.

many years ago, during the transition from primary school to secondary school, my aunt gave me a book titled "being a happy teenager". it was written by this author called andrew matthews, who i believe is australian. back in those days, internet and email was still fairly new, so i signed up for his email newsletter using my (at that time) brand-new email account. i don't remember how frequent the newsletter was supposed to be published, weekly or monthly. one of those. either way, the newsletters came quite regularly for about a year or so, then tapered off to occasional updates maybe once or twice every few years, before they stopped when i was in sec 4 or JC. recently though, the email updates have started up again, in higher frequency than before. i got like 3 emails in the past week alone. i guess he thought that people could use a bit more positivity in this time. not to mention i think he might be selling something. personally, i've listened to this kind of motivational stuff several times in my life, most notably during an adam khoo weekend training camp in primary 6 (supposed to teach study skills to help with preparation for PSLE - huge waste of time and money) and once again in sec 4, when the principal shipped us all off to some fancy-ish place and inadvertently cut himself when gripping a glass too hard while trying to make a point. personally, i don't really think such motivational events are of much use. it's the "horse to water" thing again. people can bribe or threaten you, but it won't be effective unless you want to change yourself. to be fair, i suppose that these motivational things are a good reminder and source of affirmation, although i wonder how a speaker who has superficial personal contact with you at best can affirm you beyond generics like "you have unlimited potential".

coming back to the email newsletters from andrew matthews, i think his style of motivation is something like the law of attraction. like, you get what you believe you deserve. apparently, jim carrey is a believer of this law too. i wonder if there's any basis to it. some people may say that it's a form of energy, or vibrations, frequencies, resonance. i don't know for sure. i mean, there's no scientific evidence for it so far, but it could just be that the instruments we have today aren't capable of detecting those things. i don't have an opinion of this either way, but i do believe that a person's thoughts affects their behaviour. so maybe, if you believe that you should be rich, you would naturally align your goals in that direction. or if you believe that you deserve a happy relationship with the person you like, you might take the first step to ask them out.

the only inhibiting factor might be fear. like in my case, i'm afraid that things will get awkward with lawyer guy. i think what i'm trying to do is increase my odds of success before doing anything, as is the way i approach most problems. although i'm conveniently leaving out the fact that no matter what i do, he just may not be into me. objectively speaking, i think i should get to know him better. right now, i'd say that we're on good terms, but not close. i've tried starting conversation with him here and there, and it's been...nice. i do want to broach deeper topics with him, but i don't see a good opening to do so. it's probably because he's one of the more quiet members - log in, do stuff solo, log out. i mean, he does help out in raids and stuff when asked, but it's hardly appropriate to broach sensitive topics in the middle of a raid. should find some way to spend more time with him without appearing...desperate.

in my boredom, i've been browsing weird videos on youtube. well, maybe not weird exactly, but more like odd. most recently, i was watching videos on mechanical calculators - how they work, and how to use them for basic operations. there's even a way to find the square root of a number! quite fascinating, really. i never understood how people could find non-obvious things like square roots, logarithms, or exponents in the days before electronic calculators were common. sure, i know what those things are in theory, but how would i go about finding the exact value of say, the square root of 200? well, going about it logically based on my current knowledge, i'd start by thinking that 200 is 20 X 10. so the answer should be between 10 and 20. i know 15 squared is 225, so it's less than 15. working backwards, 14 squared is 196, so it's probably 14.something. from there, i guess i'd just go by trial and error for the decimal places. hardly the most efficient method, but that's how someone with no mathematical talent (aka. me) would do it. i find it amazing that people can generate such complex operations just from simple moving parts. it's really quite beautiful/elegant. not to mention how satisfying it is to hear the keys being pressed. as you may know, i use cherry blue switches on my keyboard, which are the ones that click when the key is pressed. i wrote my whole thesis on this keyboard, too! downside is that some people may find it noisy, and that's something i have to think about for japan. i'm actually very tempted to bring my current keyboard over, but i don't know how well it will handle being in my luggage. that, and the keys themselves are starting to feel a little...grimy/sticky. it's like even though i wash my hands before using the keyboard, i'll feel like my fingertips are being coated by some residue after a short period of typing. i hope that it's just residual oils and stuff that have been left on the keys, and not the plastic degrading or anything like that. i read that denture-cleaning tablets can be used to clean the keys. something to try after CB is over.

before i go back to final fantasy, i just want to talk about it a bit. more specifically, i want to talk about raiding. it's weird, but i have an odd fear of raiding. or rather, i should say that i have a fear of stepping into raids for the first time with random people. i don't know why; it's irrational no matter how you look at it. the worst case is that i die in-game, and there's no serious penalty for that. i'm telling myself that i need better equipment, but people in the guild have cleared with equipment that is of similar level to mine, or worse. i think that that's something i have to overcome within myself. so far, i've managed to clear 3 out of 4 fights while the content is still current. should have more confidence...the fight is just a little long and complicated. have to break it down into manageable bits.

-random thought of the day: Need better ways to spend time.-

In the latest instance of "how i mysteriously hurt myself", i somehow pulled a back muscle by basically doing nothing. well, i did clean my room, including changing my bedsheet and mopping the floor. i don't think that it was strenuous enough to cause injury, though. but yes, that's one thing that i can cross off my to-do list. today's mini-goal is to clear half of my desk, and maybe put a set of manga up for sale on carousell.

had another weird dream last night. i dreamt that the IP firm asked me to go back on a part-time basis, and the first assignment i was given was to prepare and deliver a presentation on patents...in chinese. made no sense whatsoever, but then, dreams rarely make sense. i hope this doesn't mean that i'm still subconsciously hung up over losing that job, because i'd like to think that i'm over it by now, what with JET lined up and all. shouldn't look into it too much. i mean, anything that a person experiences is fair game for dreams, right?

final fantasy has been interesting. it's my primary form of social interaction these days, which is nice given the lockdown and all. apart from the game itself, i'm also learning a lot about how to deal with different kinds of people. like we had a new member recently who's a bit more open than what we're used to. despite being in the guild for like, 2 days, he was already telling people about his uncertainty about dating this guy who was emotionally distant. i was ok with talking with him about it, but i guess it made some other people uncomfortable, because (1) it's kind of a personal topic, and (2) he hasn't been in the guild long enough to establish the rapport that would make broaching such topics "acceptable". but well. i don't think he's a bad person. probably just a little different. i don't mind engaging with him on his dating life, actually. sometimes people need a listening ear or a sounding board. and if i can help in that role, i don't see why i shouldn't.

i'm actually not sure what i have to blog about at this time. surely my dreams and random snippets of my day don't make for interesting reading, especially since my days are even more boring than before due to the CB. maybe i should start doodling or writing or doing something else creative, then write about the process here. maybe show off the final product too. we'll see.

-random thought of the day: Looking forward to living alone.-

Week 3 of the CB is over, out of a total of 8 weeks. i'm holding up ok, no real signs of cabin fever. i actually think that i could survive living in isolation pretty well...although i'll admit that i do miss the freedom of going anywhere i want with no restrictions. i mean, i can still go anywhere i want now, but with the inconvenience of having to put a mask on, and with so many types of establishments being closed, i'm better off just staying home. my computer has been my primary source of entertainment, and i'm grateful for it. one drawback is i might be getting a repetitive strain injury from all the clicking. should probably look into less digital forms of entertainment; i do have a ton of pens and ink that i can (and should) use.

last night, there was a big ruckus at around 8:00pm. there was this initiative where people were encouraged to sing "home" from their windows. for those of you not in the know, "home" is best known as a national day song - written to stir up nostalgic and patriotic feelings. the event was meant as a morale booster and to honour the healthcare staff who are still working on the front lines despite the lockdown, but i wasn't quite on board for a couple of reasons. first, nobody in my estate sang. there was just a lot of shouting, yelling, flashing of phone lights, even sounding of car horns! it was...incoherent, to say the least. one of my friends said that it was proof that singaporeans could not follow instructions, which kind of amused me. the second, more major reason is that i felt that it was completely unnecessary and irrelevant. i'd go as far as to say that it was an empty gesture. singing/shouting from a window isn't going to help the healthcare workers in a tangible way. maybe some of them will hear it and have their spirits lifted, but it doesn't address the root problem. call me jaded, but i think it would mean more if everyone who participated in the ridiculous display of noise yesterday donated $5 towards healthcare workers' salaries. i wonder how many of them would agree to that.

due to having too much time and not enough productive things to spend it on, i found myself thinking about my relationship with lawyer guy again. occasionally, i'll just ask myself if i love him. so far, the answer has been "no(t yet)". yes, i know i've said before that love is a choice, but choosing to love someone romantically when that person doesn't love you back is not smart. believe me, i know. and that's something that i have to remind myself about. another thing that i've been thinking is that i feel that i don't measure up to him. to put it in chinese, 我觉得我配不上他. he's got a great career, is extremely attractive, and is such a nice person as well. people don't come much more perfect than that. anyway, those feelings might be an issue that i have to settle internally within myself first. he did express interest to come visit me in japan, so that might be something that could work in favour of us ending up together. but again, reality check. he may not be ready for anything at this time, either. it still kind of baffles me, how someone as eligible as him is still single. i know that he hasn't been looking, although i don't know why that's the case. no judgement from me, by the way. just curiosity.

so...it doesn't seem like anything very interesting is going to happen over the next few weeks. i think that i should set small goals. this coming week, my goal is to clear my desk, make at least 3 carousell listings for stuff i don't want any more, and do laundry. going to be a bit more merciless in terms of stuff to throw away, since my goal is to not have too many things left over here after taking what i need to japan. i'm set to teach next sunday too, just one class in the afternoon. will start prepping for that later in the week. i wonder if my colleague has left instructions for me yet.

-random thought of the day: Why am i waking up in the middle of the night so often these days?-

Sigh. i hate to start with not-good news, but it's something that affects me greatly. as you might know, singapore is currently under a partial lockdown, or as the government calls it, a circuit breaker (CB). it was originally supposed to end on 04 may (about 2 weeks from now), i guess because the government projected that they'd have a good handle on the situation by then. over the past week, there was a sudden rise in the number of cases due to the infection spreading in a dormitory for foreign construction workers. due to this and perhaps other factors, the government extended the circuit breaker to 01 june, making it a continued circuit breaker (CCB). i just hope it doesn't get extended any more, otherwise it might become a lengthened circuit breaker (LCB) or worse, a permanent circuit breaker (PCB). of course, the government isn't really using any of those abbreviations, that's just some local humour to lighten the mood. it does have serious implications, though. along with the lengthening of the CB period, they also announced an increase in restrictions. fewer categories of shops can now remain open. this led to some panic buying again, not of groceries, but of bubble tea. bubble tea shops are subject to the new restrictions as well, so yesterday was the last day in a month that people could buy bubble tea. you can mess with almost anything with a singaporean, but take away their food and you've got a war brewing. last night, just hours after the restrictions were announced, there was already a case of people getting into a fight at a bubble tea shop, and one delivery driver got into a conflict with a shop employee as well. it's crazy.

dire situations like these bring out the best in some people, and the worst in others. unfortunately, for every uplifting story, like the doctor with a loudhailer who reassured foreign workers that they'd be taken care of, there are multiple other negative stories - people not wearing masks, people disobeying social distancing guidelines, people jacking up the prices for scarce goods (there have been people selling mcdonalds and bubble tea at inflated prices on carousell, i kid you not). again, it makes me lose faith in humanity. what's worse is that there's this problem with singapore society, which a certain online forum calls "sinkie pwn sinkie". let's break it down. "sinkie" is a (non derogatory, in my opinion) term meaning "singaporean citizen/local". "pwn" is internet slang (a typo of "own") meaning "to utterly defeat". putting it all together, it means "singaporeans utterly defeating themselves". sounds weird, right? unfortunately, it's a common sight here. some people make life difficult for their fellow singaporeans, or put them down unnecessarily. like the general public shunning nurses and healthcare workers in uniform, despite these workers being on the front lines and saving lives, especially in this pandemic. they deserve more than just the feel-good clapping and the lip service of people calling them "heroes".

a large part of this problem, i think, comes from singaporeans being immature, selfish, and snobbish. it's fine when people want to do well. it's not fine when people want to do well at the expense of others, or put others down to get ahead. there's the common anecdote about how parents would tell their kids "study hard, or you'll be a construction worker/road sweeper next time". to be fair, there's nothing wrong with those jobs. of course, they're not the most relaxed or most high-paying jobs, but it's an honest living. i realize that having a trade profession (plumber, electrician, etc) is generally viewed with some stigma in singapore. whereas in places like the UK, someone could say that they're a butcher or a builder and i don't think that they'd be treated as differently compared to if they did that in singapore.

there's a reason for singaporeans being like that. our government is very paternalistic, and citizens are kind of trained from young to do as they're told and to fear authority. this isn't conducive for independent thinking. case in point: in primary school, teachers would assign someone to be the class monitor, typically for the whole school year. one of the tasks that the monitor had to do was stand in front of the classroom in the absence of a teacher, and write down the names of people who were talking/misbehaving, with the implicit understanding (sometimes explicit threat) that whoever had their names on the board would be in some sort of trouble. so, you see how we're conditioned to fear authority from young. and when the authority figure tells you that blue-collar work is beneath singaporeans, and that everyone should aim to be a doctor, lawyer, scientist, engineer, manager, etc., people blindly obey. yet, society can't survive without such workers either.

whoa. sorry for that detour. long story short, singaporeans need to be kinder and less...petty, for lack of a better word. there's more that i can say on the failings of singapore society, but this isn't the right time. before i went off on my tangent, i'd wanted to blog about how this CB affects me. personally, it doesn't affect me very badly, and that's something i should be grateful for. i mean, my job is not under threat, i'm still getting paid, and i'm living in relative comfort. that's not to say that i'm completely unaffected, however. you'll see from my last post or two that living with people who i don't want to be around is not that good for my mental health. in fact, a near conflict happened recently, because a moron couldn't leave my things alone. it's not the first time that conflict of such nature has happened, and as you know, i have low tolerance for stupid people who do not learn from past experience. i suppose it is a small victory for me that i didn't blow up. but the prospect of 6 more weeks where something may potentially set me off doesn't make me happy.

having the CB extended also means that i have to adjust my plans. good news is that i can now renew the car's road tax without first having the car inspected. the inspection will still have to be done, of course, but it can now be put off till june. that reminds me - i should start the car soon. it's been about 3 weeks since i've had to drive. that aside, i also have to figure out an exercise routine. with all the enforcement officers on the streets these days, both official and self-proclaimed, it's basically almost impossible to get away with not wearing a mask outdoors. on the bright side, my sleep schedule is super good now. i'll start feeling tired/sleepy around 12:00am, and i'm usually in bed shortly after. best part is, i fall asleep with almost no trouble...although i still do wake up in the middle of the night. can't recall any weird dreams recently though, so that's another plus.

seems like i've run out of steam for this post. well, i guess that i'll wait for next post to give some tips that i've found useful for surviving the lockdown/physical isolation. i also have to do more prep for plan japan on multiple levels. i just hope that the CB isn't extended beyond june.

-random thought of the day: I cleared 400gb off my hard drive!-

Chemical engineer cousin blogged a few days ago about some of her exes appearing in her dreams. i was placed in a far more awkward situation around that time too, when the ex whatsapped me out of the blue. it was just to share an episode of an anime, but it was a not-good surprise nonetheless. i'm a little curious as to why he would message me, considering we split up almost 3 years ago, and haven't had any contact since. i'll take responsibility for that - it's because i blocked him on almost all platforms shortly after the split. and in case you're wondering how this message got through, no, i didn't unblock him. he changed his number. based on some cursory detective work, he appears to have moved house. i know he's too young to get a place of his own, so maybe he's renting, staying with someone else, or some other explanation. not my concern, though. anyway, i decided to nip this potential issue in the bud, so i just blocked the new number straight away. call me heartless, but i don't see anywhere in my life for him to fit in. i wonder if exes can ever remain friends? i've seen examples of both yes and no, so it's not such a black and white thing. i guess it's unique to each relationship, and the reasons for/circumstances surrounding the breakup. in this case specifically, my answer is not just no, it's hell no.

i'd thought that i'd be able to handle this lockdown well, based on the past X months of basically doing the same thing. i didn't take into account that other people i don't want to be near would be locked down for this period as well. as a result, i'm feeling a little...stressed. because of this, and/or other factors, i've been sleeping a lot more than normal. it seems strange, to not be well-rested and happy when all i do these days is basically rest. but i saw that some of my friends were also not being as productive as they'd hoped, or just not being productive, period. some articles that i chanced across said that it was natural. although this work from home thing sounds good on the surface, we're actually still living in a pretty stressful time. i don't know, but it seems to me that the government handled the crisis well initially, then dropped the ball later because they got complacent. and like a few sources online have said, there's still no apology for giving us incorrect information, such as it being unnecessary to wear masks in public (it's mandatory now). i hope things go back to normal soon. but not before-pandemic-normal. many things have changed in the wake of this pandemic, and it's only natural that a new "normal" be reached once the dust has settled. like, it's possible for people to work from home for a month. i hope this means that employees can lobby for more work-from-home days.

apart from slightly elevated stress levels, i'm not that affected. in fact, i'd say that some things have worked out in my favour due to the pandemic. the tuition place offered all teachers a $100 subsidy/grant, which i confirmed that i was eligible for. so, i got a new mouse! but it'll be saved for japan. the government also credited $600 as a solidarity something or another, which will go to paying off my car insurance. still have road tax (partially covered by my extra classes), and other insurance premiums. my savings will still take a hit, but thankfully it won't be as bad due to the additional inflow of cash this month. i realize that there are quite a few silver linings, and that somehow, things do happen for a reason. the most prominent example in my life right now is that the pandemic has caused stoppage of non-essential services. JET applicants in other countries are facing issues as they need to submit their criminal record and a certificate of health. in singapore, i don't know whether those are classified as essential (checkups aren't, but i'm not sure about the criminal record thing). despite being a shortlisted JET, i don't need to know about those things because i'd already submitted those documents months ago, as i'd indicated interest for early departure. not saying that the pandemic happened just so that i can feel fortunate about this thing. it's just that as a result of wanting to go to japan early, i managed to avoid some inconvenience caused by the pandemic.

week 2 of the lockdown is almost ending. we're halfway there! only one class this sunday, which is nice. have to finish up the marking from last week's classes and send the files back to my colleague. now that i am obligated not to step out of the house, it occurred to me that this is the perfect time to do laundry. and cleaning. and everything else that i normally put off. should start slow, with small goals...like clearing half of my desk. well, we'll see how that plays out over this period.

-random thought of the day: Need to fire up the laptop to check on it.-

Lesson learnt the hard way last night - if i'm feeling sleepy and hungry at the same time at night, i should choose sleeping over eating. what happened was that after 6 hours of class, and some raiding in final fantasy, i was quite worn out. but then i remembered that i hadn't eaten anything at all that day, so i had some food. ok, it was bordering on a heavy meal (my only meal for the day), and i fell asleep less than an hour after that (before 12:00am). cue indigestion waking me up close to 4:00am. that kept me up for about an hour, and i next woke up around 9:30am, and slept on and off again until about 2:30pm. not ideal.

perhaps also due to the indigestion and fatigue from teaching 3 classes of tuition, i had a ridiculous dream about lawyer guy. there are definitely details that i don't completely recall or have completely forgotten, but the "scene" i remember most vividly was me, lawyer guy, and a woman (his girlfriend in the dream) were swimming in a condo swimming pool. bear in mind that i've never seen lawyer guy in any state of undress, so my mind definitely made that detail up. not complaining though, because my mind made him look good. there was some swimming/diving, then the girl asked him, "why are we still in a relationship when you're interested in *guy's name beginning with A*?" i forgot the exact name, and i don't know who this A person is in real life. dream-me knew that A was handsome (mediterranean type with a tan, long curly black hair, very well-built), but a playboy. there was something else about shops at a HDB void deck, a multi-storey carpark, and smoking. i wonder what this means.

in the break between classes yesterday, i was reading an article that my friend linked on facebook. it's called "why we hold on tightest to the things that aren't meant for us". the message that i got was that we do so because we want to maintain the illusion despite knowing deep down that it isn't true. of course, the title of the article implies that you must have had something in order to hold on to it. in my case, i don't have what i'd like to have, so i technically can't hold on. does that make sense? maybe this article isn't really the best description of my situation, but i hope someone who reads this will find it useful for dealing with stuff that they may be facing.

now, to talk about yesterday's classes. it was a difficult day. more so due to the classes themselves than the number of classes. although the number does play a part also. more classes means feeling more tired, and being more likely to experience a downturn in mood as the day goes on. from a statistics point of view, the more classes you teach, the higher the chance of at least one going not-well. i experienced both yesterday. the first class was nice, but the second and third classes were challenging to get through. since things are being done on an online platform, there's no real way to ensure students are there and paying attention, save checking in with them frequently. more than once, i felt like i was talking to myself. i suppose the level of the class might have something to do with it - i think my better experiences were with upper secondary students, whereas all 3 of yesterday's classes were lower secondary. it's a generalization, i know, just one that i've experienced.

you know i tend to believe that everything happens for a reason, and that if you want something badly enough, the entire universe conspires to help you achieve it. just in this past week alone, i've gotten requests to cover 3 extra classes outside of my normal workday. that means extra money! goodness knows i need to save up, especially with the impending move to japan. and as you may know, april/may is the time of the year where my finances are hardest hit, because payment for several pricey things are due at once. worst part is that these things are like premiums for various insurance policies, road tax...so i can't avoid paying them. just hoping that more of these will come in, so that i can avoid completely draining my bank account.

things to do this week: mark tuition homework, and send in change of bank account form. this is week 2 of a 4-week lockdown (assuming no extensions), and i think i'm doing ok. should think about getting out of the house for a walk though. i was just looking at myself in the mirror after a shower, and let's just say that i don't like that i see.

-random thought of the day: Hope the lockdown doesn't get extended.-

Having doubts after finalizing a big decision is normal, right? i'm feeling a bit of anxiety after having just emailed my acceptance paperwork to the japan embassy. i think that the next milestone here will be in june/july-ish, when they inform us of our postings. i'm still praying that it will be somewhere relatively urban/accessible, but we'll see what comes up. for now, it's back to the waiting game i guess, but with much less nerves. after all, i'm virtually guaranteed to end up in japan later in the year, so that gives me a better sense of general direction. still, it never hurt to be prepared for sudden changes due to the coronavirus and other factors out of my control.

weird dreams are basically the norm now, instead of the exception. yesterday's dream involved lawyer guy and another guy i know (and who i was previously interested in). we were at a shopping mall, and they were talking about whisky. there was mention of a high-class-sounding japanese bar too, but i don't remember the name. it should have struck me as weird then, because i know that lawyer guy doesn't drink. the other guy was flirting with lawyer guy a bit too, which made me jealous. is this a message from my subconscious that i should actually tell lawyer guy about my feelings? on a related note, several people i've talked to in-game have asked me to go for it and just tell him. it's the same argument as with JET, that about not having regrets. while i see the similarities, the situations are not the same. accepting or refusing JET mainly impacts myself only. telling lawyer guy that i like him affects other people - him (obviously), and potentially the entire guild on a whole. so, the plan hasn't changed. get to know him better, enjoy his company, then make a decision further down the road.

more battles with the tuition people. just received notice for last-minute covers of the sunday trifecta again. i'm not against taking those classes, but there's an issue about having to install a program to decrypt the teaching materials that we have to use. normally it's done on the centre's computers, so that's all fine and good. now that we've shifted to working from home, we have to have it on our own devices to access the materials. i don't think it's right for the company to require us to install programs on our personal devices. but well...yeah. i think this will end with me finding a way to do it somehow, especially now that my mentor stepped in. i do respect her a lot, and it's more because she asked than because the company mandates it that i will try to find a solution. this actually also got me thinking about the file security that they use. the soft copies are secured, but you can't secure a printed hard copy in the same way. granted, the hard copes are watermarked with who printed them and when, so it's more of a reminder for teachers to be careful because the company might use that for tracing/accountability. honestly though, if someone REALLY wanted to reproduce those notes, it would be possible. tedious, but possible. just get their hands on a copy, and type everything out anew on a word processor. the downside is that this takes time, so constant renewal helps to mitigate that.

just saw the reminder from LTA that my road tax is due for renewal soon. having to leave for JET slightly complicates things, as does the present semi-lockdown state, because i can't get the car inspected yet. the absolute deadline is 7 may, by which time the lockdown should be over. i expect that there'll be a mad queue at the inspection places, though. right now, i've just got off the phone with the insurance company. i was looking to pro-rate my car insurance premium, but i don't know how that'll go. the guy told me to email in, so that's something that i'll have to do soon-ish, as soon as he SMSes me the email address. got a mild shock when i saw the road tax payable - it's just over the $500 mark for 6 months. good thing the personal accident insurance money is coming in as well. that should help to buffer the damage.

nothing major on the horizon for the next few days, except for teaching on sunday. have to prep for it though, 3 classes won't be fun. should consider going out for some fresh air, with precautions, of course. going out for exercise is still permitted, but appropriate distances should be maintained. or maybe i'll just go for a short walk in the early morning. there has to be a reason why i've been waking up at 6:00am, right?

-random thought of the day: Do some cleaning!-

Following up on yesterday's post, the person who i called out for forwarding scientifically inaccurate information has left the chat group. i didn't do it in a very confrontational manner, mind you. i just said that the pH values didn't seem correct. well, they're free to leave; it's their decision and i respect it, though i cannot say i agree. in my ideal world, people would either attempt to substantiate their points, or apologize for spreading misinformation. but well...people deal with conflict in different ways. it's a pity though...i'd thought that all members of that group would be mature enough to deal with conflict if it came up. i don't feel good that they left, but i don't feel bad either. to further highlight how lack of education and spreading falsehood is dangerous, there's been reports of people in iran drinking methanol in attempts to kill any coronavirus inside the body. although the alcohol that we usually drink is ethanol, the omission of a methylene group in methanol has severe effects. drinking methanol can lead to blindness, among other conditions.

got some good news today, that my personal injury claim from the accident 2+ years ago(!) has just been settled. i'm due to receive over $1000, which is nice. i asked the person from the law firm who called to tell me how the figure was obtained, and it turns out that the insurer is paying out over $2000, but the law firm is taking almost half as fees. not quite sure how i feel about that. on one hand, i'm still getting money. on the other, i could be getting more money. of course, i have to remember that they did save me a lot of time and inconvenience (i'm assuming), by dealing with the insurance people. guess i should remember how expensive specialized/qualified services can be. for instance, filing a patent in singapore is not exactly expensive, but the agent's fees most certainly are. the considerations are slightly different though, because most people file patents in hopes of making more money off of them, like pharma companies which patent drug candidates in the hope that one will work and be the next blockbuster. unlike insurance claims, where there is no future money to be made by the entity making the claim.

the rubberized surfaces on my mouse have been degrading for a while now. i call it "tackification" because the surface now feels tacky to the touch, though its proper name is "reversion" since the polymer breaks up and becomes latex again...something like that. it's can be caused by several factors - UV exposure, temperature extremes, even microbes from the oils on your body! since i touch my mouse a lot, i suspect that the last thing played a more major role here. maybe i should wipe down my computer equipment after use? anyway, i went online to look for ways to get rid of the degraded bits, and it seems that the easiest method is just to throw the thing out and buy a new one. the next-best method is using an alcohol solvent (preferably isopropanol, though ethanol and even axe brand medicated oil are supposed to work too) to dissolve the surface, and removing the residue with a scouring pad/steel wool. even then, it would recur, so replacing the thing is kind of a sooner or later thing. another (less effective) method is to cover the surface in talcum powder. that really didn't work for me.

i then got to thinking, what if i just covered up the tacky surface? wouldn't that effectively solve the problem as well? after all, the main issue is the sense of discomfort i feel while using the mouse, and not wanting my hand to be sticky. i considered several options, like painting over the surface with a coat of liquid that would harden into a solid. nail varnish and superglue were the first things that came to mind. unfortunately, i don't own nail varnish, and my superglue had dried up in the tube from lack of use. thoughts then turned to solid barriers, like scotch tape. didn't have that either, but i did find a roll of paper medical tape from my active training days in judo, the kind that's used to hold bandages in place. i cut out some pieces to fit the affected areas, and stuck them on. it seems to work, but not quite as well as i'd hoped. you see, the tape is kind of permeable/porous, since the skin underneath needs to breathe when the tape is used for its intended purpose. this means that the sticky thing will pass through the tape eventually. i figure i'll just add more layers of paper tape, or use scotch tape/something non-porous once i find it/can go buy it.

people are kind of panicking about the impending lockdown. well, it's not really a lockdown, like we're not legally obligated to stay indoors. it's more of a moral obligation. which is why i don't understand why some people apparently engaged in another round of panic buying. there was a long queue outside ikea, of all places over the weekend. did people want to buy furniture to work from home? or have a last taste of the meatballs before the month-long closure? whatever the reason, it was a stupid decision to gather there. the virus isn't going to obey the government's arbitrary deadline and only start infecting people during the lockdown! i wouldn't be surprised if ikea became a new cluster for the virus. call me cold-hearted, but in a way, i think the virus is doing the world a favour by both restoring the natural environment (due to reduced human activity) and by weeding out the morons who are wasting oxygen just by being alive. if only it were that simple though, that only the morons died. even one good person losing their life to the virus is one good person too many.

even though the lockdown is due to start tomorrow, i'm not really worried. my life for the past...8 months or so has basically been social isolation with occasional interactions. i figure that another month won't hurt too bad. should start looking into alternative methods of exercise. also on the forecast, submitting my JET acceptance paperwork, and signing some forms so that the insurance money cam be credited to me. plus, a new update for final fantasy will be released tomorrow! all in all, looks like i won't be lacking things to do despite the lockdown.

-random thought of the day: Do people wear masks when exercising outdoors?-

Everyone with a smartphone is probably part of some sort of chat group, be it on whatsapp, line, telegram, or whatever other instant messaging services there are. in these chat groups, there will invariably be at least one person who forwards information from dubious sources. back in the days of email chain messages when i was in secondary school or so, i remember an aunt forwarding a message about not drinking cold/iced drinks with oily food, because the cold would make the fat/oil solidify in the stomach. it made sense to young me at first glance, but then a cousin, who is a doctor, also received the email and replied all saying that the body's core temperature would prevent the solidification of oil/fat due to cold. as you'd imagine these days, the messages are increasingly about coronavirus. for example, look at this message i received:

first of all, any "information" message with spelling and/or grammatical errors loses some credibility with me. like, "egg one item", "drink 1.5ml of water daily". reason is, it shows me that the person who forwarded the message didn't even take time to read it through, and the "information" that this person passes along therefore cannot be trusted. also, there's a lack of details, or details are inconsistent. which hospital has this routine? why allocate 1 hour for 15-20 minutes of sunlight?

ok, so you may say that anyone can figure out what was intended. like one egg, 1.5 litres of water for the example above. that's fine, i can still close an eye to that. it sounds common-sensical up to this point. the next part is what annoys me the most, and that's the spreading of scientific falsehood to people who may not know better. in the same message, there's a part saying that the routine tells us about the pH of the virus. HOW??? what insight can a daily routine provide into the pH of a virus? do viruses even have a pH, or is that the optimal condition for them to survive? after that, there's list of pH values that several foods are supposed to have. temporarily overlooking that most acid-containing foods were listed as having pH values above 7, how can any food have a pH value of 23? assuming standard conditions of 25 °C and 1 atmosphere pressure, that would make dandelion 1 billion times more basic than a strong base like sodium hydroxide. i seriously wonder how people get these numbers in the first place.

another popular chain message i've seen before says that lemon is acidic, but is converted to alkali in the body, and helps maintain the alkaline conditions. this kind of message is particularly dangerous, because there is a mixture of truth and falsehood. lemons are acidic - true. it is converted to alkali - also true...but it's converted in the small intestine, which is an alkaline system anyway. it helps to maintain alkaline conditions - false. your body maintains those conditions. try drinking a litre of lemon juice and see how alkaline your system is.

seriously though, this kind of misinformation is becoming common these days. the worst thing is that the people who spread these messages only mean well, like wanting to keep their loved ones safe and healthy. still, it's horribly misguided. and you know the whole road to hell thing, i've said it multiple times before. the way i see it, education is the way to stop this problem of misinformation. and you don't need to be super highly-educated. if you paid attention in secondary school, you'd know that the pH scale typically goes from 1 to 14. of course, if you'd studied at a higher level like JC/poly (or the equivalent of), you'd know that the pH scale can go below 1 or above 14, depending on certain conditions. more importantly, you'd also know that the pH scale is base-10 logarithmic. that means that every interval of 1 on the scale represents a 10X increase in acidity or bascisity, hence how i'm able to get 1 billion above. i didn't just pull that number out of thin air because it sounds impressive. there actually is a basis.

to sum up, misinformation is a real danger. people have to be more aware of what they share, because they are accountable for any consequences from others taking their "advice". putting "forwarded as received" at the start of a message doesn't excuse a person from liability. instead, it shows that they were just blindly passing information with no regard to its veracity. my personal guideline is not to forward anything if you're unsure of the information (who starts these chain messages, anyway?). actually, my personal guideline is not to forward any "information", period. anyone who forwards things like that should be ready to provide scientific sources. in fairness, people receiving these messages should also not blindly follow the "advice", and should in fact call out such incorrect messages. there were several instances in (where else?) the US, about people eating tide pods (laundry detergent), microwaving their phones, among other stupid things. both sides have to do their homework in order to curb the spread of misinformation.

wow, that was a bit of a rant. not going to apologize for it, though, because it is a real problem. it just also happens to be one of my pet peeves. i've got a post in progress about things to do before JET. will publish that soon.

-random thought of the day: No classes for me today!-

Isn't it weird, how different people who all want the best for you and who are genuinely thinking in your best interests, can offer you wildly contradicting pieces of advice? it shows the subjectivity of opinion, i guess. more importantly, it highlights that we are ultimately in control of our own course in life.

let's examine both pieces of advice i've received, and the reasons behind them. first of all, i've received more "don't go" advice, and mostly from friends who are based in singapore and who have never done this kind of overseas thing before. the reasons are usually about money, career progression, how JET doesn't contribute meaningfully to my resume. in short, very pragmatic reasons. i also see the considerations behind them, and to be honest, i am still kind of worried about how this short break from chemistry will affect my future.

people who have given me the opposite advice, ie. to go, mainly comprise those who are on the program, have been on the program, and who want to go on the program. in particular, scary JC friend is i think the strongest advocate in the "go" camp. to be as objective as i can, she has mentioned that her reasons are part selfish - she wants to visit me and possibly experience japan in a new way. also, she can't go on JET herself, due to citizenship and relationship considerations, so she sees me being able to go, but considering not to go, as a huge waste. objectively though, her strongest point is about regret. like, am i likely to regret going or not going more? i wish i had a certain answer, but since the future is unpredictable, i can only guess. currently, my answer is that i think that i would regret not going more. simply because the conditions seem perfect at this time. i'm single, not making much money (no golden handcuffs), with the opportunity to live in a country that i have deep interest in for an extended period, while getting paid at the same time. what doesn't sound good about that, right?

don't you wish we had the benefit of fore-hindsight? you know, hindsight before things happen. the closest we have now is learning from the experience of people who have been in a similar situation, but that's still not 100% reliable, because the circumstances can't be exactly the same, and because people think and react differently from each other. but well, in the absence of that, i guess we have to make as informed a choice as possible, given the information we have.

honestly, i've been asking myself what's holding me back. fear, i guess - both of the unknown in japan, as well as of what i'm potentially giving up in singapore. interesting to note that in the reverse case of staying in singapore, i'm not exactly afraid of what i'm giving up in japan. perhaps it's due to being comfortable with and used to life in singapore. somewhat linked to the previous paragraph, i really knew what the exact pros and cons were for both choices. say, my salary will never go beyond $4000 a month if i go on JET, vs giving up on the perfect guy who i'll meet in japan if i don't go. yes, i know it's not possible, but i can hope.

my friend, who was also at the dinner, gave me a bit of a new perspective. previously, scary JC friend had said that the people who advised me against going were imposing their views on me. he said that she was doing the same, only that her views were opposite to the other people. it was an interesting paradigm shift, to be sure. it perhaps reminds me that i should make decisions solely for me, and not because going one way or another would make anyone else happy. he also mentioned that i was privileged to be able to have studied up to a phd, and to not NEED to work to survive. don't get me wrong, it's not like i don't need money, but as you can see from the job saga of last year, i'm well-off enough to get by on a low salary. "low" here of course being relative to what someone with similar qualifications would earn in singapore. they also assured me that one year does not really matter in the grand scheme of things. while i do see their perspective, time is relative, you know? like people say that a year is a larger proportion of a toddler's life than an adult's. the analogy is similar here, but in terms of work experience. although, to be frank, 2019 was a year too, and most of it was "wasted". at least the year in japan will be spent not doing nothing.

another interesting thing that kind of altered my perspective was reading the forum on reddit, where people were discussing their results. to my surprise, there were singapore applicants who had been waitlisted, or flat-out rejected. in the face of that, it seems almost disrespectful to throw my opportunity away. part of it could also be the scarcity mindset kicking in. before reading the reddit thread, i had no idea if people from singapore were rejected at all. although logically, some probably were, singapore sends an average of 40-ish people each year, and there were about 100 applicants for this cycle. going by those numbers, slightly more than 1 in 2 people must have gotten rejected. there may have been others who withdrew due to the pandemic or other circumstances, but let's not complicate things. so, what this boils down to is that my offer is all the more valuable because i was deemed worthy enough to represent singapore on this program.

to make a long story short, i intend to accept the offer (another reminder that the deadline is 15 april) and see what happens. the best case is that i enjoy myself and stay there for a few years, and the worst case is i know that living in japan is not all that i'd dreamed that it might be. it's going to be a scary situation, and i foresee that there will be many more moments of doubt and uncertainty in the upcoming months in singapore, which will also likely continue once i set foot in japan. to assuage those doubts, i should remind myself that i am a good teacher, and that i'll be able to add value to kids' lives. more importantly, i've survived tough times before (army, grad studies, the IP firm). that should be enough to go by, right? we are stronger than we think.

on the topic of perspective and making the best of a bad situation, i think the management of the tuition place did that really well. either that, or it was sheer coincidence. you see, the government had announced that companies were to allow employees to work from home wherever practicable. this announcement was made early this week, i think. last week, they ran a short survey to ask who would be comfortable conducting virtual classes from home. with the announcement of the work from home thing, they pitched it from the angle of "we heard your voice, and we're granting your wish!". great delivery. i'm not complaining, though, because it means that i don't have to be physically present in the office to teach. i tried teaching from home yesterday, and it went quite well! good thing i invested in that gaming headset, huh?

right. that's all for today. among the more pressing things i have to do are: inform my japanese lecturer of the outcome, send in my acceptance to the embassy, and make more detailed plans on what to do in the remaining 5-ish months i have left in singapore. but that's for another post, when my mind is fresh.

-random thought of the day: Everything happens for a reason.-