*smacks computer*

I think i'll be online a lot less now. my computer seems to have caught a bug that prompts it to shut down within 10 minutes of starting up. also, it somehow reverts back to default settings after i shut it down. not to mention all those irritating pop-ups, which seemed to have doubled in number. so, you ask, how am i typing this? simply by setting the computer to run in safe mode. so pro right? but safe mode has its limitations, which consists of a really small screen resolution and the inoperability of the sound system. but it's better than not being able to blog at all.

today is the first time i celebrated teachers' day in CJC. as usual, there was a lot of praying and singing. and i'd rate the performance 0/10. not that it was bad or anything, but i totally didn't know what was going on! this was in part due to lack of interest, and to the nice large pillar blocking my view. but i'm sure those who could see it clearly enjoyed themselves.

i went back to cat high for the first time in quite a while. finally talked to Mr Lee again. i feel more motivated than before. i also saw so many other teachers. everyone says pretty much the same things, like study hard, ace promos, ace A-levels. some even offered to help us with any difficulties we may encounter. maybe i'm being biased, but i think this kind of beyond-obligatory things can only be found in cat high.

aside from the teachers, there were also a lot of old boys. i had lots and lots of fun catching up with old schoolmates, finding out where they are now, whether they regret their choice and all that. it was mostly good, except for the fact that i met a few people whom i was better off not meeting. not mentioning names here, but let's just say my day could have been a little less green and black. but i suppose it's lucky that i met these people today. for the first time, i really understood the meaning of "the opposite of love is not hate, and that of hate is not love. the opposite of love and hate is indifference." this quote happens to be kind of apt, mentioning both love and hate. but well, we all have to let go eventually.

since the exams are coming, i figured that all students might need some positive affirmation. and what better way to spread it than through my blog? this is one of my favourite motivational passages:

Don't Quit!!
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but do not quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man.
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor's cup.
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far.
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit!!

tomorrow's a holiday. i have all the time in the world to study chinese. something tells me i won't do that well though. then again, something tells me to go to the middle of the assembly ground and scream at the top of my lungs as well. but will i do that?

...you never know.

-thingy of the day: I actually managed to misplace a lighter. Someone's getting old...-

6 days since i last updated. wow. then again, there hasn't been much to say. life is going on as normal, except for the fact that my subjects are on a rapid downward spiral. if i'm not wrong, my CA3 results are something like O, C, B, A for maths, physics, econs, and chem. not good at all. but i'm quite proud of my GP results. first essay to score 30 marks. great improvement. must keep it up.

i think i need another wake-up call. hopefully it will not be having to spend another extra year in CJC. i don't know how i'll face the people i know if that happens. for my ego, i will work harder for the promos. i think someone in the skies is giving me a sign. my computer seems to be screwing up more often. this means that i either have to stop using it so often and concentrate on studies, or get a new computer. for practicality purposes, i'm assuming the former.

i don't know what possessed my dad, but he asked me to get an ATM card (which is in my wallet now). he's also suggested that i give tuition for extra income. i think he's probably trying to use a more hands-on approach to the "value of money" lesson. not that i'm objecting, mind you. but right now, the tuition will have to wait until after promos at least.

now, what other significant events have occured? oh, i know. i'm going to fail physics and do poorly for chem. today's tests were extremely tough. i suppose it's a tad too late to be wondering this, but i still question myself on my decision of JC and subject combinations. this is really a bad frame of mind to be in.

but on the brighter side, today was one of the best days of the term too!! that's because my notes have green, orange and pink words scattered through them. makes studying way more fun. that reminds have to search for coloured pens during friday's retail therapy session. speaking of friday, we have the chinese mock exam. luckily we also have the whole of thursday off. why? because it's teachers' day. and i don't think my surprise will be ready. oh well.

tomorrow's supposed to be a long day, and it'll get even longer because of the maintenance duty. looks like i'll be missing training. so sad.

-thingy of the day: Anyone going back to Cat High?-

Tiring but fruitful days are my favourite kind of day. today was such a day. even though we ended at 5pm (7:20 for me because of training), i feel very very satisfied. it's like i've accomplished something great for myself, even though others may see it as a small feat.

so basically, we had PE for our last period. ran 9 rounds, and although it doesn't seem much, it was pretty tiring. then training after that. we had the usual activities, plus a little dry run of our open-house act. even though i'm hurting all over, i feel acomplishd. my breakfalls are less half-assed than i'd thought. but of course, i need more practice. oh well. today's update will be cut a little short. got EOM to do.

-thingy of the day: Must study for maths test as well.-

Term 3, week 9 started off quite well. at least no teachers got angry with us. if this is any indication, the rest of the week is *really* looking up.

anyway, last entry i said i was going to explain how i come up with some of the phrases you have read on this blog. funny thing is, some of them simply pop into my head. most of the time, it happens when my thoughts sort of link up to the topic (national day links to popular incident a few entries ago), but it can also happen even when i'm doing something completely unrelated to the topic (taking a bus linking to durian shell). i don't know how it happens, but i already have some things in my head for future entries, especially a special one for a special day less than 2 months away.

i guess that one basic desire in human nature is to want to feel special. this can mean getting respect, or receiving special treatment from sales staff. maybe that's why i like shopping at mini toons so much. not only do they have innovative products, thier service is great too. </free advertisement> or it could also be due to the fact that i have their nice black member card.

anyway, there isn't much left for me to say, except that i'd better start studying harder. bye!!

-thingy of the day: Promos in about 31 days.-

Today is one of those rare occasions where i wish a durian shell would fall from a really high HDB floor and hit me square on top of the head as i walked under it on the way home. well, actually, it's not a rare occasion. it's the first time.

i get the feeling that even getting out of bed today was a great mistake. things just didn't seem to go my way for most of the day. i think the main thing that got me in a bad mood was that the day's events showed me my weaknesses. believe me, nobody likes to be shown that they are not as good as they thought they were. that's the function of this little thing in your brain called ego. i thought i was binding well with a certain group of people. turns out that the glue wasn't as sticky as i'd thought.

i also guess i'm not sensitive enough. politically sensitive, that is. i can't detect any subtle hidden messages, place too much priority on the wrong things, and generally have difficulty in "reading climate", to use a former teacher's words. that's probably why i get uncomfortable in leadership positions. it also explains why i discontinued history after secondary school. i can't think like the world's powerful men. maybe it's a sign that i'm better off not thinking of being president.

being an econs student, i'm naturally taught the marginalist concept, ie. looking for the point where marginal benefit equals marginal cost. this will affect the way i spend my money. i've have my eye on the creative zen micro (5 GB capacity) for quite a while, but i don't know if its cost will outweigh the benefit i gain, because i only have 1+GB of songs, thus leading to excess capacity.

oh well. nothing much more to say. next entry: how i get some of the phrases in my blog entries.

-thingy of the day: Luckily the week's ending soon.-

There's something off today. i can't pinpoint it, but it makes me feel uneasy.

to be completely honest, i don't have that much to say today. this is one of those rare blogging impulses that forces you to start an entry, irrespective of how long it is when you end it. i've not experienced this for quite a while. what's funny is that nothing really significant's happened recently.

for an equally odd reason, the song "Long Night" by The Corrs has been stuck in my head for quite a while; for almost 2 weeks, since before national day.

"It's gonna be a long night, and I'm gonna be cold without your arms, and I'm gonna get stage fright...caught in the headlights...it's gonna be a long night, and i think i'm gonna lose this fight..."

don't know why, but it's this part of the song (ie. almost the whole chorus) that i have trouble un-sticking. it's probably the tune that's catchy.

anyway, back to more practical stuff, i think i'm in trouble. no, i haven't broken any major rules, but my maths is dying. the test (which was pretty easy, almost sec 4 standard) was full of serious careless errors. to think that i got only 30 marks out of a potential 45. what's worse, it was on differentiation, which is one of my better topics. so sad. oh well. if anything, it tells me that i need more practice.

my computer's become infested with pop-ups. arrgh. it's like every 3 minutes or so, a new pop-up will appear on screen, taking the focus of the previous window. so i can be typing for a long long time, then look up and realize that only the first 2 words made it into the text window; a thing that has happened 7 times in the course of typing this entry alone. it's really annoying, trust me.

it's getting pretty late. i have econs and a bit of maths waiting for me. better go off now.

-thingy of the day: This entire entry was typed without the use of the backspace or delete keys. SO PRO!!-

My tagboard hasn't seen much action for quite a while. makes me wonder if anyone (but me) still comes here. actually, i shouldn't be affected that much. the purpose this exists is, after all, not for me to publicize my life, but for me to clear the excess unnecessary things floating in my brain.

week 8 of school has just begun. that means we're about 5 weeks away from the promos, which start on 23 september. oh no. i think i'm still pretty behind on some of the subjects, like physics and econs. it seems kind of short you know? like we covered so few topics in econs, but expand the submenus and there's a whole lot more content than you thought. same for physics. i don't think i can remember all the stuff on forces any more.

i think my life lacks meaning. i feel so...empty inside. this brings me to a few conclusions - i need a significant other, a religion, a more interesting hobby, to get a life, to stop worrying, to accept my life as it is. right now, the first 3 options are impractical, and 4 will be done after the promos, so i'll settle for the last 2.

tests are flooding us. there's chem tomorrow, next thursday, and one in week 10. week 10 also has a maths test, while physics is on next thursday. chinese on 2 september, and i don't know if there's econs or not. oh wow. have to go read up on chem now.

-thingy of the day: "LIVE" spells "VILE" and "EVIL" as well. Says a lot about life, no?-

Holidays always pass way too quickly.

national day was relaxing, with practically no study done. yay. in fact, i clocked about 5 hours of pool in 2 days. considering that i haven't been playing for 2 months, i'm not as rusty as i would expect. in fact, i narrowly lost to my cousin 7-5, which is pretty impressive as i've lost 7-3 (or somewhere there) to him before.

also, i apologize for missing the class outing. i'm sure it was great fun, but i had other engagements. oh well. i'll be there for the next one, promise.

there are only 2 more schooldays in the entire week. unfortunately, one of them (tomorrow) is a long day. so sian. and there's training as well because we missed tuesday. all in all, i end at 7-odd pm. it's this kind of screwed-up day that makes you want to stay in bed and wait for it to pass. but right now, that's an inaccessible option. besides, i believe i'll have worse days than this later on in life. still, i won't deny that i'm tempted to skip it.

well, we'll just see how things turn out tomorrow.

-thingy of the day: I have Quest for Glory V: Dragon Fire!! More about that in the next post.-

What's the worst feeling in the world?

to me, it's not doing anything to prevent something bad from happening, especially if it's in your power to stop it. this "something bad" can be anything, from situations similar to Spiderman's, or, in today's context, from getting a bad test grade.

so the story goes like this. friday was our second physics SPA. everything was going along fine, i knew what to plot, points were quite close, line seemed straight enough, claculations went smoothly, conclusion was fine. then i had to go and change my units. my original working was correct, with k in cm and c in second per cm or something. i changed my c to the inverse of the first unit, and my k ended up in second squared. arrgh. that's like 3 marks or more gone. i partly attribute this to Mr Loh, who was going around saying "if you have time and finish early, check your units again." every 5-10 minutes. hearing that made me doubt myself to the extent that i made the abovementioned changes to my units. so sad. now i have to make up for this in my other SPAs.

i think this taught me a few great lessons, one of which is to trust myself more. i don't know...even though i have a 3-month handicap in physics, i think i'm not doing too badly. i mean, i'm not the best, then again, i'm not the worst either. i have to have more faith in myself. kind of ironic that i'm listening to "True To Your Heart" now isn't it?

the other big lesson is that if it isn't broken, don't fix it. to be honest, i was quite happy with my work, until i cracked under the psycho torture of repeated "check your unit"s. gah. oh well. what's done is done.

the following 5 days are super slack!! yay. but there's school tomorrow. not yay. but it's only until 10:30. so semi-yay. but then i'll be bo-liaoing until late because my pre-u seminar group outing ot cancelled. oh well. anyone up for pool?

-thingy of the day: There are something like 100+ flags on the surrounding blocks, a great jump from last year's 8.-

Seriously seriously annoyed is the best description of my mood now. i think it's because of what heppened towards the end of the day, more specifically during and after training. i don't know...even though i know belt rank is all that matters on the mat, i'm not exactly comfortable with people my age screaming at me. yes, i also know that they have all the right in the world to do so, but still, it puts me off.

that's not the worst thing. the worst thing was that today's training was rather unproductive, thanks in part to my screwed-up leg. well, at least i've learnt a new throw for grading. also, i must remember to secure my glasses properly, or put them in a place where they won't land on the floor. for you see, after training, i discovered that some people had stepped on my glasses, completely dislodging one lens and partially dislodging the other. i must say, not having my glasses at this period of time would be most inconvenient, especially with the GP mock exam tomorrow. well, on the bright side, at least everything's fixable and has been fixed. just imagine what would happen if one of the lenses or the frame cracked/was broken. *shudder*

this scenario gets me thinking. why do we wait for our stuff to screw up before getting replacements? why not just keep spares? of course, that would be near-impossible for things like phones and MP3 players, unless you're really rich or have an old one lying around. but for relatively (i'm using that word a lot now...must be under PW's influence) cheaper stuff, such as glasses, contacts, stationery and some other stuff, it'd be much more convenient to just reach for a spare when there's a problem with the main item.

well, that's the semi-reflective item criteria fulfilled. so...what else do i have to say? there's block PW tomorrow, the GP mock exam, and we get dismissed half an hour earlier!! it's high time i paid cat high a visit and talked to some people. although i understand that the sec 4s are having prelims this week. oh well. i hope the teachers aren't too busy marking to say hi.

-thingy of the day: Do not let scary people jump on your back.-

Tagboard appears to be down, and for a longer time than usual. i'm contemplating switching to another message board if the problem isn't solved in a week's time or so.

luckily for me, this monday has been less sucky than its predecessors. nothing major screwed up, and we even got a couple of free periods. although something strikes me as odd. how did the relief maths tutor know my name? she has never taught me before, not even during the first intake period. and i most certainly did not have my name written on anything on my table. so funny.

anyway, i've just finished chionging my part of the project work written report. all that's left to do is to reconfirm some figures and maybe a bit of grammatical editing. hopefully it's relevant to the task context. i seem to have a little problem staying on track sometimes. i also hope i did whatever that i was required to do. nothing less, maybe more. oh well. we'll be sitting down to do editing anyway, so all problems should be rectified.

i've been at the computer for too long. time to go take a rest, maybe do up some other work.

-thingy of the day: Confucius says man who leaps to own death is jumping to conclusions.-

*AHHH MORONIC.* blogger ate my post. actually, it's not blogger's fault. it's this stupid popup thing by this screwed up other thing called netvenda. i'll try to regurgitate everything that was on the screen previously.

firstly, it's friday. the sense of relief is overwhelming, almost as much as after the last o-level paper. conclusion - i'm too high-strung. to a casual observer, those words sound inappropriate (not to mention funny) coming from a CJ student. however, what they don't see is our schedules, late dismissal times, and amount of work, which are the main sources of stress. i was in such a good mood that i felt like singing from outside my classroom, and i did. some people told me they could hear me from across the school, near the pond. oh well. it was fun, and i wouldn't hesitate to do it again, unless some evil people (certain teachers) were there.

on the way home, i stopped by the popular in junction 8. that's where i witnessed something that just about spoiled an otherwise relatively perfect day. a girl, about kindergarten age, was asking her mother to buy a pen for her friend. but the mother refused, and for the stupidest reason. their conversation went something like this (roughly translated from chinese):

Kid: Can you buy this pen for my friend?
Mother: Why?
Kid: It's his birthday...
Mother: Did he give you anything for your birthday?
Kid: No...
Mother: Then there's no need to get anything for him.

the first thought that came to my mind was 'selfish bitch'. i mean, that pen was priced at $2.50 at the most. how can someone be so stingy? it's for a birthday, for crying out loud. it's not like the amount of money would cost 10 years' salary. and so what if he didn't give the girl a present? obviously, the mother has never heard that it's better to give than to receive. i'm amazed that she still has this kind of mentality, even at her age. it's amazing that her kid has more wisdom that her.

perhaps the greatest irony was that throughout this entire scene, i was standing next to a sign promoting the new book that was specially published for the 40th national day. it proclaimed that "this book will show that singapore and singaporeans are vibrant, caring...", or something to that effect. basically, it was a summary of all the lines that we know so well thanks to SS and NE. at that point, i looked up at the sign, then back to the mother, and thought 'bullshit'. however, the mother eventually relented and bought the pen. while i suspect that it was because their not-that-soft conversation had been overheard by others, and she wanted to save face, i'd like to give her the benefit of doubt and think that she changed her mind out of the kindness of her own heart.

while still on the topic of moronic bitches, i'd like to say that SOMEONE has been reorganizing my clothes. i'd also like to ask this. "WHAT THE BLOODY HELL FOR!!??" now, all the clothes that i wear most often are hidden out of reach, and stuff that i haven't touched for 5 years or more (no exaggeration) are all stacked up towards the front, providing a rather big obstruction. i have to dedicate some time to repacking everything really soon.

also, my space where i store my personal items has been violated by people deciding that it's too messy and needs to be so neat that everything must be just-so perfect. i'll say this once. KEEP YOUR FUCKING HANDS TO YOURSELF. I DECIDE WHETHER IT NEEDS TIDYING OR NOT. why? BECAUSE IT'S *MINE*, YOU BLOODY MORON. i believe that if it's not broken, don't fix it. and if i can tolerate it, you can too as well. moron. you say i won't regret anything when you die. wrong. i'll regret you didn't die earlier. i honestly feel like stabbing you with a rusted trident soaked in liberal amounts of brazillian tree frog venom.

oh yes. on the way to school this morning, i heard the DJ of some radio station say that we were already 170++ days into the year. the realization was simply stunning. that's practically more than half the year gone!! oh my. where does the time fly? half of my J1 life is over already. of course, that's assuming i won't repeat the year.

also, there's this notice on the CJC bus stop that advertises a new bus service, called bus 57. guess what? it links from bukit merah, depot road, harbourfront MRT, bukit timah, toa payoh, to bishan interchange. now guess what? SAJC's located near depot road, and if i had stayed there, i would have a direct bus home. maybe it's a sign. well, if it is, it's LONG overdue. but that's not going to make my stand waver. CJC's the place for me. and to think i wanted out of there ASAP in term 1. funny how life always seems to win.

-thingy of the day: "The only people who think about money more than the rich are the poor."-

This marks my 425th post. looking back on some of my previous posts, especially those done within the first 4 months of this blog's existence, i wonder if i was drunk or on drugs while writing those. i bet that if i was to look back on my current posts in the future, i'd probably think the same thing.

there is a particular reason why i'm mentioning my old posts and generally getting nostalgic, and that's because my blog is officially 2 years old!! actually, its official birthday is july 25th, so i'm 2 days late. the past 2 years of blogging have really been fun. but on a deeper level, it's been therapeutic, more so than i realize now. i think that if there had not been this "pressure release valve" (sorry, this is the best analogy i can come up with) , i would have killed myself 500 times over. in a way, blogging has saved my life, and enriched it too.

today's workload is just horrendous. econs project/tutorial, physics project/tutorial, chem project, project work, and chinese (i think). ARRRRRRGH so annoyed. i want to throw darts at anything that pisses me off. sadly, i'm unable to do so because it'll probably kill a few people. besides, i don't have darts. . . -__-""""

ooooooook. anyway, i'd better get started on my work. before i go, here's a song i highly recommend. go download it!!

Savage Garden - The Best Thing

Never want to fly
Never want to leave
Never want to say what you mean to me
Never want to run
Frightened to believe
You're the best thing about me

Sometimes I feel like this is only chemistry
Stuck in a maze searching for a way to
Shut down turn around feel the ground beneath me
You're so close where do you end where do I begin?
Always pushing and pulling

Sometimes sanity takes vacation time on me
I'm in a daze stumbling bewildered
North of gravity head up in the stratosphere
You and I roller coaster riding love
You're the center of adrenaline
And I'm beginning to understand

Never want to fly
Never want to leave
Never want to say what you mean to me
Never want to run
Frightened to believe
You're the best thing about me

Walk on broken glass make my way through fire
These are the things I would do for love
Farewell peace of mind kiss goodbye to reason
Up is down the impossible occurs each day
This intoxication thrills me
I only pray it doesn't kill me

Never want to fly
Never want to leave
Never want to say what you mean to me
Never want to run
Frightened to believe
You're the best thing about me

You're the center of adrenaline
And I'm beginning to understand
You could be the best thing about me

*Never want to fly
Never want to leave
Never want to say what you mean to me
Never want to run
Frightened to believe
You're the best thing about me

You could be the best thing about me
What if you're the best thing about me?

*Repeat to fade

-thingy of the day: "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." George Santayana-

I feel old. not physically, but mentally. ooook...maybe not old, but weary. i'm tired of the same boring cycle, day after day. it's just school, home, work. nothing really new or fresh. i need some excitement - you know, just to break away from the neverending repetition.

oh. did i mention i wrote a song? well, not exactly, but the idea's been floating in my head since secondary school days. the main idea is that two people are saying goodbye on a pier. why a pier? i don't know either. i have a bit of the tune and 3/4 of the first verse written, but it's nothing much. to be perfectly honest, i don't even know what the chorus sounds like. then again, it's not like i'm pursuing a serious songwriting career, so it can stay in my head a little longer, until i'm ready to show it to the rest of the world. and that may be in the vicinity of the next 15 years...or never.

a scary thought hit me last night. 3 more years, and our age will begin with 2!! kind of random, but yes. i can't imagine telling someone that i'm 19, let alone 21. still, scary as it is, it *is* kind of thrilling. to me, being 20 and above opens many doors. both legal, emotional, and possibly physical(?). but anyway, that hurdle is still a fair distance away, so it'll be on backburner for quite a while.

i really should be doing maths and econs right about now. but screw it - tomorrow's a short day. quite a bit of lectures too. so it looks pretty slack. yay for me. ah well. better get running. still have econs to clear.

-thingy of the day: "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him how to fish and you get rid of him on weekends."-

Blogging in school for the first time in quite a while. it's kind of fun actually.

so, today didn't turn out to be as bad as expected. in fact, it's good. way better than all the days so far in the week. example: i'm free now because we finished physics early and i get to slack off. it feels considerably...lighter than before. maybe it's because the weekend's approaching. but now, i feel as if i don't have a care in the world, and not even the prospect of the 2-hour detention can ruin that. funny how life works. i guess i've finally hit rock bottom, and there's nowhere to go but up. *big grin*

-thingy of the day: Nothing now, have to be back in class in 10 mins' time.-