"Wah, heng bo? heng bo?"

that line from a certain left 4 dead (2?) spoof video describes my reaction to this morning's results SMS pretty well. let's get to the good stuff in ascending order:

CM2142 (B-)
while it doesn't look very pretty, i'm actually pretty satisfied with this grade. taking into account the ridiculous difficulty of the final, and my general cluelessness throughout the semester, i'm more than thankful.

ES2007S (B+)
i was hoping for an A-, but i suppose i can live with this as well. after all, B's appeared more often than not on my rubrics in the latter half of the semester. nevertheless, it did help in CAP-pulling (though not as much as i would have wished for), so mission accomplished for this module.

CM2121 (B+)
based on the tests and my (perceived) finals performance, i was predicting a B grade. so, this result was a nice surprise. gives me more motivation to pursue an organic specialization, too!

CM2111 (A-)
another nice surprise here. now, i can't help but wonder what my grade would have been if i hadn't thrown away those 6 marks in the final? bleh. but still, i'm happy with this grade.

PC1323 (A+)
i'd more or less known about this grade for a while now, so it's nothing too shocking. i'm still really happy about this grade, because it's my first ever A+ after 2 years of studying in NUS. funny how my A's mostly come from elective physics modules.

overall CAP: 3.84

results this semester were a morale booster. in fact, this is my best set of results since year 1 semester 1. CAP-wise, they're on par, but this time, i got an A+ instead of an A, so that gives this semester an edge. currently, i'm still quite some way from my target of having a >4 CAP, but there's been quite significant progress. i'm hoping this set of good results isn't just a one-off thing.

with the release of my results, i can safely say that year 2 is over, and i'm a year 3 student! don't really feel different, even with that realization. guess i'll feel it more when school starts again. but anyway, i've decided to reward myself with an online purchase of buckyball magnets and magnetic putty. these things are something i've been hung up on getting for a while, so i'm happy that the balance was tipped.

ok...enough about grades and such. here's a question though...is it wrong to want to be completely alone sometimes? like, to the extent of ignoring my phone, facebook and all other means of communication. i know it's kind of contradictory, with me mentioning wanting companionship in the previous post. but these urges/wants happen at different times, so i think it's ok. wanting companionship and solitude simultaneously is a little too weird, even for me.

i've got somewhat more things than normal scheduled this week. possibly meeting the NUS people tomorrow, maybe meeting another friend sometime in the week, judo training camp, and chem enrichment. i've decided to start reducing contact by not staying over for the camp. that way, i can't get too attached to the J1s, and anything that happens (if it happens) won't be my fault. besides, there'll be other seniors around to keep eyes on things.

but at the moment, i think i'll start on a new set of hiragana, and maybe organize my table a little. been meaning to get that done for a while now.

-random thought of the day: Life's good.-

DCUO has been occupying most of my time recently. that stands for "DC Universe Online", which is an MMO set in the DC universe (yay obviousness!). even though it's my third MMO (the others being city of heroes and star trek online), i'm still learning things fairly slowly. main reason is because i'm slow the controls are really different from those other 2 MMOs. it's been interesting so far, but for a four-month old MMO, it's still kind of lacking in areas like server stability, in-game population, and solo content. that's why i'm not going to sign up for lifetime just yet. maybe things will improve after the server merge, but until they do, i'm happy with just using up my 30 days.

you know, i kind of understand why people get addicted to MMOs now. with time limits ranging from a month to a year, you kind of want to get levelling up over with as soon as possible so that you can spend more time on the end-game content. perhaps some people may want to save money by doing everything within their subscription and then leaving the game. i used to think that way too, until i realized that with all the new content being released, stopping becomes pretty difficult. that's why i'd rather buy lifetime subscriptions, like for star trek online (incidentally, that subscription will become value-for-money roughly after summer break ends). but for DCUO, i don't have the confidence to get lifetime yet, as mentioned in the last paragraph.

from what i've been saying about MMO addiction, i guess it comes as no surprise that i haven't been doing much else aside from playing. so far, i've got a level 23 character, and he's been fun to play with. the missions are kind of repetitive, like interact with X objects, kill X bad guys, go into mission, kill people and boss. but luckily, the content and enemies are varied enough so that each mission seems different. confusing/paradoxical, i know, but that's how it is.

in other news, most of whatever little of my time spent outside DCUO has been used to learn japanese...or at least how to write the letters/characters. i've only got through 15 out of about 100 characters, which i think is pretty ok. the thing that kind of intimidates me is that there are 2 letters for every character. i was thinking about comparing it with upper and lower case letters, but upon second thought, i realized that there's no real good analogy for it in the latin alphabet, since the utilization is rather different. but so far, i think i'm doing pretty good. only potential worry is that i'm learning without much understanding now, so i'm afraid that the characters may degenerate into meaningless symbols. or maybe i'm worrying for nothing. oh well. i should just focus on getting the forms right first...kind of like kata, now that i've put it this way. maybe it's just japanese things in general. get the forms right first, and worry about the rest later.

is it possible for a guy to have a fangirl moment? going by the contradictory terms "guy" and "fangirl", i'd say no. and yet, there's no other way to describe my reaction when i saw a japanese drama series on youtube, it's called "absolute boyfriend", and was adopted from a manga series. basically, it's about this girl who accidentally orders a robot which was customized to be her ideal boyfriend. the plot sounds shallow at first, and looks like it was written to garner sales from teenage girls. but underneath that, there's actually some pretty deep philosophical ideas...like, should humans play god, is love love when it's conditioned/programmed, among other things. this, along with my completion of brave new world, has opened up a pandora's box of sorts.

there's a saying about idle somethings (either hands or minds; i can't remember) and what the devil does with them. i guess that having too much time on my hands has got my brain working harder than normal. but hey, i don't mind. might as well get all the deep thinking out of the way while i still have processing power to spare. i'd hate to spend all night thinking about trying to lead a normal life with a robot partner, especially when there are morning classes (or worse, labs) the next day.

watching this drama (and some other things) has made me kind of emo. you know the saying, "no man is an island". previously, i'd thought that i could go through life as a lone wolf, but that seems to be less likely of a possibility now. i don't know if it's my changing hormone levels as i grow older or whatever, but i suddenly find myself wanting a companion. not necessarily someone to be by my side 24/7 (i treasure my solitude as well), but someone who can be there when i need support, won't judge me superficially, and whom i can share significant moments with. but then again, isn't that to some extent what everyone wants? and yet, i'm kind of afraid of getting into a relationship, because things can go horribly wrong as well. or maybe i'll just settle for a pet...yes, i think that that might JUST work.

may's almost over, and that means summer's about a third gone as well. can't say that everything went according to plan, but i can say that i've generally been happy with this particular holiday. and, with 2 more months of a similar lifestyle to go (and unforeseen circumstances aside), i don't really see how this holiday could end badly!

-random thought of the day: Must cook tomorrow.-

Variety may be the spice of life, but spontaneity (and a bit of good luck/coincidence) was last night's star. originally, my plan was just to join the judo kids for the usual post-friday-training bubble tea/dinner. towards the end of training, a couple of my JC friends called to tell me that they were having dinner at bishan. meeting them then turned into a drinking session/stayover at one of their houses. totally unexpected, but definitely enjoyable you know, i wouldn't mind doing this kind of thing more often...within safe limits for my liver, of course.

we were talking a bit while cooking instant noodles (drinking does trigger some hunger pangs), and we came to the quite amazing realization that we've known each other for 6.5 years. J1, J2, army 1, army 2, university 1, university 2, and a bit. to be honest, it didn't feel that long. guess i should try to hang out with them more, though they're already the (ex-)classmates i interact with the most. then again, it's subject to their availability as well. one of them is interning over the summer, not to mention his relationship commitments. oh well. i'll take what i can get.

jumping back to training for a bit, yesterday was the last training session for a week and a bit, as the kids have exams this coming week. next time i see them, it'll be during training camp. don't think i'll go for all 3 days. then again, i might. most probably won't stay over, though, unless i absolutely have to. better start cutting some strings early. things are easier if done gradually, yes?

about the politics, i've decided not to become so involved. i'm fine with pretending that things are exactly what they appear to be on the surface, and being called an idiot for it. to that extent, i'll do the newton's third law thing, ie. treat others how they treat me. as long as i don't actually see them doing anything harmful to me, i'll be nice to them. figured that it wasn't worth the effort to suspect everyone under the sun.

in the past semester, i've learnt that conflict arises from a lack of effective communication. unfortunately, i'm seeing that happen at home, between my parents. bearing the saying about dirty laundry in mind, i won't elaborate too much, except to say that suspicions are floating around. worse is, there is somewhat plausible ground for these suspicions to exist. to quote another famous saying, kids should stay out of grown-up matters (i'm interpreting this in terms of generations rather than in terms of age). with a combined age of 103 years, i believe that they can sort something out. in the worst-case scenario (which i don't think will happen, considering the extended family relations), i'm above 21, so i can make my own decisions.

here's a thought...can too much communication bring about conflict as well? imagine i went to confront one of the judo people about a rumour that he/she may or may not have started. if that person was innocent, he/she may wonder why i even suspected him/her, leading to the formation of a conflict situation and possibly, the loss of mutual trust. makes you think, doesn't it?

last thing on my mind for now...things are slowly appearing in my schedule. holiday coaching, possible refereeing opportunities, and a couple of other things that have temporarily slipped my mind. good thing that tuition appears to be winding down (ironic, since the kids' mid-years are approaching). also, i want to drop by funan tomorrow to check out DCUO prices there. i'll buy if the collector's edition goes for below $98, or if the normal edition is priced below $72. looks like i'll have a few more financial bombs over the summer, but i'll talk about them another day.

-random thought of the day: I shouldn't bother that much.-

You'd expect that i'd blog more now that i have more free time, but that clearly hasn't been the case. there's no real reason...except laziness i suppose.

over the past week and a bit, life's been pretty slack, which is good. i've done yet more cooking, went for a few more training sessions, and borrowed even more stuff from the library. doesn't sound like a lot, and it isn't. most of my time is still spent slacking and/or sleeping. sounds like the ideal holiday schedule, no?

to elaborate a bit on cooking, i did a vegetable soup/stew thing using the left over stuff from a previous cooking attempt, and topped it up with fresh ingredients. i never thought i'd say this, but for something that was about 70% vegetarian (the non-vegetarian 30% being chicken stock), it tasted really good. and this is coming from someone who's not naturally inclined to like vegetables, mind you! of course, the fact that i cooked it myself may cause some bias in my judgement, but that's a minor detail. i'm actually quite happy with how my cooking projects have turned out so far! winning culinary awards may still be far off into my future, but at least i haven't given myself food poisoning. upcoming things to try include more stews (a fish one, in particular), and perhaps chawanmushi.

moving on to something slightly more serious, training. NUS training has been put off indefinitely, as the authority figures are overseas on exchange, holiday, or otherwise unavailable. so, it's been only CJC training for quite a while now. while i do enjoy myself there, i've also begun to wonder whether going back so often is worth it. politics aside, i somehow feel that the returns are not proportionate to my investment. that's partially because there are almost zero (physical) returns! seniors don't get paid, nor do we get any special benefits (except maybe that we have more freedom than the kids). and i've also begun to question my purpose in going back. personally, the main reasons i've been going back are (1) imparting knowledge, and (2) taking care of the juniors. sadly, the J1s don't seem to appreciate it. well, my current plan is to go back for training until the nationals, then i'll probably drastically reduce my visiting frequency, or even stop altogether.

a few posts back, i mentioned that the nice eye doctor at the NUS health centre gave me a clean bill of health, and the green light to drive (traffic pun!). ever since then, i've taken the car out twice, both for tuition. i guess that there's some residual fear/apprehension after the accident, because i've been driving more-than-reasonably safely, staying well under the speed limit and all that. i think i may have annoyed some other drivers, but heck, i'm not willing to risk having another accident. have to remember to keep out of the fast lanes more, i suppose. so far, there hasn't been any word from the police about the case, so i'm just waiting.

now, for tuition. RJC girl is still having trouble with her organic, but she's improving. i find it weird that secondary school stuff is still giving her trouble...for instance, she can't remember the conditions for esterification. but at least she's willing to work, so i feel ok with matching her effort. SJI boy (who is now CJC boy) just resumed tuition this past sunday. i haven't dealt with his academics for something like 5 months, so i have to do some re-evaluation. but based on preliminary info and experience, his poor grades are due to him slacking in class. i can believe that, since he's been catching concepts reasonably easily so far. then again, we're still at atomic structure, so everything's still kind of brainless. maybe not to him. anyway, there's still time before their mid-years, so step by step.

in the next week or two, i don't think life will get any busier. i'm still set for more slacking, especially since job opportunities are kind of limited (the NUS coach thing didn't go through). not that i'm too concerned, since that gives me more time to (leisurely) pursue my own interests, like learning the japanese alphabets, watching a couple of movies, and making a few more library trips, in addition to stuff mentioned above.

-random thought of the day: My left shoulder still hurts. Sian.-

Urge to cook — neutralized...temporarily.

the past 2 to 3 days have been pretty productive. i've managed to sort the semester's notes into cases, and will put them into storage soon. attending CJC training was also good, as i managed to spar with (and secretly evaluate) more J1s.

but the main highlight has to be cooking, which went pretty successfully. did a stew on thursday, and black pepper wasabi chicken today. both dishes weren't perfect (major problems being (1) i bought the wrong type of potatoes for the stew (2) the stew turned out more soup-y than stew-y (3) instant wasabi doesn't react well to heat), but i'm satisfied enough with whatever i made. annoyingly, i cut my left thumb while dicing vegetables yesterday. it's a pretty shallow cut, but the killer is that the cut went a bit into the fingernail as well. so, i'm just waiting for the nail to grow out sufficiently for me to cut it away. there are vegetables left over from thursday's cooking attempt, so i foresee some sort of vegetable soup in the near future. probably on the weekdays, where i don't have to worry about people worrying about my cooking skills.

going back to judo training after about 2 weeks of abstinence due to exams was good. felt nice to get the muscles working again...though i'm still kind of out of shape. at least i can still throw the J1s (and some J2s) with relative ease. after sparring with most of the J1s, i can safely say that they're lacking in technique. can't blame them, since they're still considered new to the sport. the thing that kind of worries me is that they're trying to use strength to compensate for technique. it's what i call a "sunday" thing...as in "not everyday's a sunday", meaning that it rarely works. i'll admit that they have caught me with sheer brute force a few times, but more often than not, a simple sweep or block is all i need to make them fall. not saying that i'm some judo god or insanely good or anything; just trying to illustrate the significance of a technique advantage. but they're still J1. at about this time next year, they'll probably bridge that gap.

let's see...the first week of holiday is over, leaving me with about 11 weeks. there's still stuff i have/want to do, like clearing up my computer table, writing some fanfiction, asking the NUS coach for a job, and starting on my senior's training plan. have to use my time efficiently!

-random thought of the day: Portal 2!-

Now that exams are over, i suddenly find myself having housewife-y inclinations. since studying's been pushed aside for the next 3 months or so, cooking and cleaning are suddenly close to the top of my priority list. i swear, watching gordon ramsay youtube videos is going to be my undoing one day. right now, i'm on a stew obsession. problem is, i don't know what recipe to use! maybe i'll just end up throwing whatever i think works into a pot. i plan to do one by this week (most likely thursday) and depending on its success, 0 to 3 more over the summer break.

cleaning is not something i like to do, but it's a necessary evil. over the course of one semester, it's amazing how messy my computer table and shelves can get. i've been looking for storage solutions, but nothing's really proving to be of much use. think i'll get the drawer-like thing from popular. see how. also have to put away this semester's notes into the plastic case thingies which i've already bought.

to ensure completeness for my exam blogging, i'll briefly talk about analytical. it was bad. to give you an idea of how bad "bad" is, my friends saw people crying as they came out of the exam hall. so...yes. i'm grateful that i didn't spend that much time studying for it, as i probably wouldn't have been able to do the questions either way. predictions for my modules: B- or B for organic, B or B+ for inorganic, A- or A for physics, B+ or A- for communication, and hopefully above C+ for analytical. we'll see in another 27 days.

i've said this many times before — i'm not a political person, and this is not a political blog. nevertheless, election time is coming. and as an eligible voter, i think that i should mention the whole situation, and perhaps offer my two cents' worth about it. to set the stage, i've lived in bishan all my life. my very first memory involving the PAP was actually kindergarten, as i attended one affiliated with the party. being young and clueless, i had no idea what PAP meant. of course, i grew up, and history lessons in secondary school taught me how singapore's independence was achieved, the struggles faced by the pioneers, and all that stuff most secondary school kids should be able to regurgitate at a moment's notice. army had similar messages, but they were used to show us why we needed to burn 2 years of our lives.

anyway, along with all the pro-PAP stuff, i've also heard a fair bit about the opposing viewpoint. to be honest, i feel that PAP did a great job getting us where we are right now; nobody can deny that. however, i think that being in power for so long has caused them to grow a little complacent. perhaps losing a few more seats than expected will shake them up and force them to re-examine their policies.

my MP for the past 23 years or so (ever since i was born, and probably before that) has been wong kan seng. i think he's doing decently enough, because the flats have had several paint jobs, upgrades, and the like. bishan is actually a very nice place to live in! unfortunately, i've never had much personal contact time with my MP, and i don't even know about meet-the-people sessions. this is in contrast to chiam see tong, who seems to be extremely well-received in his GRC. and let's not forget that whole mas selamat thing. personally, i think that mistakes made in a ministerial position should not be carried over to a person's MP role. but that's just my (perhaps naive) thinking.

to sum up my viewpoint, i seriously would not mind giving chiam see tong a chance. being the longest-serving opposition MP surely means that he's doing something right. i'd like a change for once.

ok...enough politics for now. there are various other blog-worthy things done by people from both the PAP and the collective opposition, but i won't blog about them. there's simply too much to mention!

moving to something closer to me, i had that eye appointment today. good news is that the doctor said nothing's wrong, and that i'm cleared to drive. this further proves that the accident was mainly caused by me rushing, and not because my eyes were spoilt or anything like that. so, i'm looking forward to getting behind the wheel again soon, though i'm fighting with 2.5 months worth of rust. start slow, i guess.

the next thing is that the doctor mentioned a surgical procedure to correct my messed-up eye. it's not a must, but it's an available option. my dad seems to be greatly in favour of doing it. i'm not so sure myself. to tell you the truth, i don't know what's holding me back. could be the risk of blindness, or the 20% chance that the eye will revert back to original condition after a few years. or maybe i (like a rational human being,) don't like the idea of people wielding pointy metal things at very close range to my eyes. still, i promised my dad that i would at least think it over, which means that i'll probably have to see the specialist that he has in mind sometime soon. if i'm going to get it done, might as well get it done while i'm on break, yes?

all that aside, i'm looking at a busy few days ahead. got to get my old gi patched up, drop by CJC training, find a holiday job (i'm thinking of asking the NUS coach for a teaching position at his judo school), watch some DVDs that i borrowed from the library, getting my stew done, cleaning up my act (pun intended), and begin physical training in earnest. sounds fun!

-random thought of the day: Must get body clock working properly.-

1 down, 2 more to go.

organic today was...bleh. i have to be honest here; compared to last semester's exam, this one looks like a bit of a joke. but despite the paper's doability, i'm not too optimistic, considering i couldn't get all the syntheses and i made a pretty serious error/omission in the mechanism question (which means free marks gone). right now, i'm just hoping that my grade remains dry...ie. stays above C-level.

the only reason my standard of humour has dropped to the extent where i have to resort to cracking jokes like that one is because i haven't had much sleep in the past 36 hours or so. but wait, it gets better! i'm probably not going to sleep much (if at all) tonight, either. reason being that i still have to finish up studying for inorganic, whose exam is tomorrow morning. i'm just hoping that there's enough time to complete everything, and nothing that foreign appears. i need this to pull my grade up somewhat, especially after today's paper.

-------------------------

Small update to say that inorganic's over. i'm mostly satisfied with what i did, except that i threw away 6 free marks. worst thing is, i just went through the procedure for those type of questions while studying last night!! still pretty annoyed with myself even now. think i'll sleep it off.

-random thought of the day: Notice that I'm not even thinking about analytical yet?-

Having a pre-exam party might not be the wisest thing to do, but it certainly helped to reduce stress. ok...maybe "having" might be the wrong word to use, since that implies that i was the host. perhaps "going to a party just before my exams..." would have been a more accurate introduction. but i haven't started a post with "h" in quite a while, so what the hell.

about the party...it was the typical judo thing. getting drunk, talking, and enjoying the atmosphere. not to mention taking care of drunk juniors. i'm quite heartened to see 3 J1s...that's 3 more than we've ever had to join us for such functions! hopefully the number increases at future events. this time was a little different, because some people we've never seen drunk before got drunk. it's quite amusing, and yet a little frightening. i've never dealt with angry drunks prior to last night. nor overly-emotional drunks, for that matter. how do you comfort a near-hysterical crying (drunk) girl? i still haven't figured that out, though it happened. still, it was fun overall, if you discount the bit where a junior threw up.

i seriously think that drinking messes up my brain. well, i don't know that for sure, but it at least causes me to have weird(er) dreams. maybe it's the whole "lowered inhibitions" thing. even though the party was good stress relief, the dreams that i had that night/early morning put me into quite an emo state. i don't need this, not just before my exams. but i figure that i'm stronger than to allow myself to be influenced by a few messed-up dreams.

exam period has started! well, for NUS in general, that is. i start this coming wednesday, and end this coming saturday. this is by no means a tough period for me; i know people who have 6 finals, so having half that amount is already a blessing. just have to work harder for the upcoming 6 days. i should go to school to study. goodness knows i'm infinitely more productive there than at home. so, here's the updated study plan:

tomorrow — organic, a little inorganic, analytical
tuesday — organic, a little analytical, inorganic
wednesday — organic exam, inorganic
thursday — inorganic exam, analytical
friday — analytical
saturday — analytical

as you may have guessed, i didn't do nearly as much as i would like to have done during reading week, hence the increase in workload for tomorrow and tuesday. i'll survive. sure, i may be quite sleep-deprived and cranky, but i'll survive. if my guesstimations are correct, i've got an A- (or B+) and a B+ for my electives. to maintain my CAP, i have to get like a B average for the remaining 3 modules. to pull it up, i'd require like all B+'es. here's hoping.

-random thought of the day: Relationship re-evaluation still in progress.-

"It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done..."

who knows where that line comes from? it's actually the last (or second-last, since i didn't quote it fully) line from a tale of two cities. in my effort not to spoil the novel, i'll just say that the quote above is all about sacrifice. it's particularly meaningful to me, because i'm evaluating some of my interpersonal relationships right now.

during our last ES session exactly a week ago, our tutor did something called "role-stripping" with us. despite the provocative-sounding name, let me assure you that all clothes were kept on. the basic idea of the activity was that we ranked our top 5 roles in life (eg. child, student, friend etc.) and gradually threw them away, from the least significant to the most. describing it like this may sound pointless, but actually doing it brings about some powerful emotions and revelations. i won't reveal my top 5 roles, except to say that i messed up the order. throwing away a more important role first just sucks, seriously.

to link back to sacrifice, i think that the exercise has shown me how important my friendships are to me. well, those that REALLY matter, at any rate. i realized that i would sacrifice a lot to keep those friendships going. and here comes the next problem — how do i know which friendships are the ones that really matter? right now, i'm not sure how i stand with a few friends in my life, some (or one) of whom i tutor. are they just being friendly because it's purely business? i have no problem with that if i know the person purely as a student, but what if i know them as a friend beforehand? to a certain extent, i think that it would be like using me, though i can't say that in good conscience since i'm getting paid and all.

long story short, i think i'm giving too much to some friendships. by that, i mean i'm investing too much in terms of personal feelings and emotions, as well as reading too deeply into things that may not be there. not healthy. oh well...i know it sounds stupid (it does to me, even as the idea formed in my head), but i guess i'll just keep doing this until a better idea comes along.

-random thought of the day: Emo urges starting up again.-

My stalker abilities sometimes amazes even myself. while doing some casual internet browsing, i happened to enter a search term into google that returned very...interesting results. it led me to someone (whom i know in real life)'s blog. this may lead to interesting reading in the future...or not, depending on whether the owner updates any more, as well as update frequency (if updates continue).

while on the topic of blogs, i've always wondered a few things. first of all, why do some people go to such great lengths to keep their blogs secret? someone will find out about it 90% of the time. and most of the time, that "someone" is someone you would rather not have found out. personally, i don't really publicize the existence of this blog (other than on facebook, where it appears as my website), but even then, some of my kaypoh schoolmates have found it already. not that i mind; after all, the internet is a public place. if i didn't want people to read anything, i (1) wouldn't post it, (2) would password-protect it if i ended up posting it.

next, why do people give up blogging so quickly? on average, the people that i know only blog for time periods ranging from a few weeks to a few months, to a year tops. is it because the novelty wears off, or they just run out of things to say? as you can probably tell, i've yet to face these problems all that much, despite blogging pretty consistently for the past 8 years. sure, there' have been moments when i've wanted to delete this blog, but the next step in the plan has always been to recreate a new blog. hmm...i don't know. maybe i just don't get tired of talking about myself.

third thing, why do people jump between blogging platforms? aside from blogger, i've tried diaryland, wordpress, and tumblr. yet, i always come back to blogger. frankly, diaryland's interface could use improvement, while wordpress makes everything too easy. tumblr...i don't know. it seems more suited for short posts and quick sharing (somewhat like twitter) as opposed to "real, long" writing, like what i do here. but i have to admit...if there's any possibility that i might change platforms, tumblr would probably be my first pick, followed by wordpress. diaryland? just...no. i apologize to the nice people at diaryland, but nothing short of all other blogging services closing down would make me blog there.

study day today wasn't as productive as i would have liked. i did manage to get something done for analytical, which was to fill in all the blanks in the notes. i'm still pretty clueless about most of the earlier topics, but i figure some alone time with my notes in the library tomorrow before going for CJC training will help to remove some of the haze surrounding chemical equilibria. and it seems that my study plan may need some tweaking as well. despite allocating entire days for study, it's near-impossible that i'll use the time efficiently. anyway, i'd better go off to sleep. have to be up and about pretty early tomorrow.

-random thought of the day: My latest addiction:-

Politics sucks.

recently, different people have been telling me things about each other...like what so-and-so said about me, how person A doesn't like person B, or how person C has a problem with me. i don't like it. it's been my philosophy that if someone doesn't like something i do, he/she should tell me directly. that's more constructive than gossiping, no?

anyway, it's quite bad, because i don't know who i can trust completely any more amongst these people. i've known some of these people for coming-to 5 years now, while i've come to understand (and like) some others through our interactions in the past 1-2 years...so it seems kind of sad that things like this have to happen. worse is, i can't rely on my instincts this time round, because what i've been told and what i actually observe are contradictory. furthermore, i don't think any of them would lie straight to my face. well...i guess i'll just have to remain neutral. my senior once told me that remaining truly neutral was difficult. i didn't quite understand what he meant up till now.

i suppose that part of this has to do with me becoming more prominent in the singapore judo scene. yes, these things are happening in the "judo" region of my life, and anyone with enough detective skills can probably work out who i'm referring to. i shan't name names, because that would affect reputations and other sensitive stuff, which i've learnt (the hard way) not to do. to a certain extent, i do wish that i remained more obscure after getting my black belt, or that i delayed going for black in the first place. now that i'm a black belt and a referee to boot, it seems that mistakes/slip-ups are becoming more costly, as i'm under more people's scrutiny.

there's a chinese saying that goes "知人知面不知心". i wonder how many people's hearts i actually know. previously, i'd always thought that i was pretty good at reading people, but after recent events, i'm not so sure any more. or maybe people are just getting better at hiding their true thoughts/feelings. whatever the case, i just hope that people can be honest/forthright with me. i'd rather know if something was wrong, than operate under the assumption/illusion that things are going well. looking at it from another point of view, i'm sure that people who don't like me would rather cut off all ties with me than pretend to be my friend, right? on the other hand, though, i also understand that even though two people may not like each other, they may have to remain cordial to each other due to professional commitments or the like. even then, i'd at least like to know about it, so that i can watch my behaviour around people who have problems with me, and not agitate them unnecessarily/unintentionally, causing even more negative feelings.

on a slightly related note, a few other seniors and i have decided to take a less active role in CJC judo. after all, the old has to make way for the young. i'm just deciding on the appropriate time to reduce visiting frequency. right now, i'm thinking of doing it after this year's J2s stand down, which should happen around july or august, just in time for the start of my third year. i think it's only appropriate that i stay around at least until after the nationals, because i'm closest to the current J2s (i taught breakfalls to the newbies from their year, amongst other reasons). that's probably the right time to call it quits too, since i'm not that close to most of the new J1s yet, and i can't let that happen now.

making this decision wasn't easy. i *do* want to give back to CJC judo, since i got my start there. but i guess this isn't the way to do it...or maybe not at this point of time. who knows? i may end up coaching CJC eventually. but in the near future, i think that a little less senior presence may be beneficial for the club...less conflicts in ideologies and coaching philosophies. it's not a matter of who's right or wrong — just different perspectives, each equally right (or wrong) as the others. but having written all this potentially explosive stuff, i must clarify that this is just how i feel, and so it may be biased/one-sided/lacking in information. i want to remain on good terms with everyone in the judo world. unfortunately, it's difficult to please everyone simultaneously. so, i expect that some people's attitudes towards me may change, though i can't predict who these people will be right now...nor do i want to.

getting that off my chest was pretty therapeutic. looks like i've found my (blogging) voice again. since i'm on a roll already, i might as well continue unloading stuff , in the hope that that will free up more brain space for studying.

over the past 2 weeks or so, i've been feeling inexplicably moody. there must have been some precognition thing going on, because the reason for my moodiness came in friday's mail. remember the accident that i got into a couple of months back? well, the taxi driver went to see a doctor, who gave him 3 days of medical leave, making it a police case. the reason i'm pissed off about this is because he said that he was fine when the accident happened, and did not need medical consultation! with this new development, i had to go down to the police post to make a report. the officer on duty told me that depending on the investigating officer's decision, i may get 12 demerit points for reckless driving, a fine, or some other penalty. well, at least there was no grievous hurt, so i don't think i'm looking at jail time. nevertheless, it's quite a close brush with the law, which i'm not too inclined to repeat. i just hope that it doesn't blow up any further than it already has. guess the horoscopes were right...this year isn't financially good for dragons.

all that aside, it's reading week already. after today, i have 9 days to cover 3 modules' worth of content. 3 days per module, plus additional time due to spacing between the papers...sounds manageable. analytical is my top worry at the moment, considering the lecturer couldn't finish the syllabus and left most of the last topic as self-study (and it's still examinable, by the way). so WTF, right? in my close to 4 semesters in NUS, he's that worst lecturer i've had, hands down. in fact, he's the only lecturer to whom i've given a negative teaching appraisal. well...i'm just hoping that my electives will neutralize the damage effectively.

for organic and inorganic, i'm not AS worried, but still worried nonetheless. organic requires me to know several reactions very well...which by now, should not be all that difficult. only thing is the various conditions for the specific variations of those reactions. inorganic may pose more of a challenge, as i have to work under closed-book conditions during the exam, when it's been open-book all the way until now. sian. to give myself a better sense of the time i have left, here's the plan for the exam period:

tuesday — cooking, analytical

wednesday — inorganic, short trip to school, CJC training
thursday — analytical, special plan
friday — meeting in school, organic
saturday — inorganic
sunday — organic, tuition
monday — inorganic/analytical
tuesday — organic
wednesday — organic exam, inorganic
thursday — inorganic exam, analytical or break (depending on progress)
friday — analytical
saturday — analytical, analytical exam

looking at it now, it doesn't seem too bad. i'm more or less sure that i'll have enough time for organic and inorganic. but analytical? let's wait and see. and as it tends to do during my one-week breaks, my odd urge to cook has resurfaced. probably will go grocery shopping tomorrow.

feels good to get all of that out of my system. i'm actually feeling more prepared to go into gear and begin intensive studying tomorrow. have to adjust my sleeping hours now, since i need to get the most out of every day for the next 2 weeks.

-random thought of the day: Listen to this:-

"Before you judge someone, walk a mile in their shoes"...or so a popular proverb goes. after sunday's refereeing experience, i'm finding that to be true...not to mention kind of apt (judge, get it?).

being a referee (or even a corner judge, for that matter), is no mean feat. it's not as simple as making scoring decisions and declaring winners; that in itself is difficult already (i awarded the match to the wrong person once by mistake!). on top of that, there are added stressors, like making decisions for controversial throws, spotting stuff that the referee didn't (when acting as a corner judge), and of course, dealing with unexpected scenarios. there's actually a lot of stuff going on in a match! as bad as it may sound, there are fun bits too. honestly, i wouldn't mind refereeing on a regular basis, especially since i get paid from now on. i must admit, i wasn't completely aware of how draining refereeing was. on average, we're up there for 15 bouts at a time. we referee 5, and judge 10. i did about 3 runs, and by the end of the day, i was completely wiped out.

even then, i think i would rather do 10 more rounds of refereeing than present my proposal for the ES module. i won't talk about it in detail here, since i have to do a reflective blog post anyway. what i will say is that while things went relatively ok, room for improvement most definitely does still exist. well, at least most of the major stuff for this module is over. now, all that's left is some blogging, and i'm done.

for the rest of the week, i'm under quite a bit of stress. organic and inorganic tests back-to-back tomorrow, plus coaching and the final physics test on friday. and of course, round 2 of refereeing this coming saturday. i'll get by somehow...i always do. meanwhile, time to get reacquainted with clayden.

-random thought of the day: Cooking urges are coming back...-

Suppressing urges is generally thought to be unhealthy. unfortunately, i've been having this inexplicable urge to run around randomly, screaming all the way, ending up crashing into a wall at full speed. like i've said, i can't really explain why it's happening to me. even though i know that doing what i've just described is downright suicidal not good for my health, i can't help but wonder, 'what if i tried?'. maybe when i get sufficiently drunk or stressed.

that second one may happen sooner than expected, actually. my fourth semester at NUS will be over in about another 3 weeks. as you've probably guessed, this is typically the time where lecturers wrap their content up and we start preparing for the finals. it's kind of scary...this semester has passed by way faster than any of its predecessors. then again, semester 2s do tend to be faster than semester 1s. i guess it's because i was more heavily involved in various things, like kata practice. time flies when you're having fun, after all.

from where i stand now, my stress forecast over the next few weeks shows highs and lows. the nearest high is over the next 2 days, followed by one from wednesday to friday. stress will probably hover at medium for recess week and the first 2 days of exam week. then, 3 more highs on wednesday, thursday and saturday (exam days), then i'm home free for the summer. just can't wait.

why am i stressed for the next 2 days? because of refereeing and ES, that's why. after attending the referee course today, i realized that there's a lot more to refereeing than i'd previously thought from observing referees at competitions. come to think of it, i'm not really stressed about tomorrow...more like nervous. what if the judges override all my decisions? it reflects badly on me, and my technical knowledge/judgement. or i might be worrying for nothing. who knows?

as for monday, i KNOW i'm not worrying for nothing. it's the final ES presentation, and while i think we won't bomb, i'm somehow not too optimistic. worst thing is that the presentation will be recorded, and we have to review it. that's something i'm not exactly looking forward to, considering now photo(graph)phobic i am. but well...we'll see, as usual.

now, i'm not going to plan too far ahead. i figure that taking things a couple of days at a time will help to regulate my stress levels, as well as cause me to not short-circuit. at the moment, immediate priorities include getting my presentation outline (particularly the statistics) in order, somehow acquiring a light blue long-sleeved shirt, somehow acquiring a tripod, picking the video camera up, not forgetting anything i'll need for refereeing tomorrow, and not screwing up during refereeing. sounds achievable, provided everything works well and i don't mess up.

think i'll stop here for tonight. having to be at bedok by about 8:00am means that i'm leaving home at about 7:00am, which translates to waking up at about 6:30am. on a sunday, no less! the things i do for judo. oh well. can't be helped.

-random thought of the day: Need...sleep...-

It's been a while since i've dedicated a whole post to one topic. today, i'm going to do that. the topic in mind — my future. that's actually kind of cheating, because there are a few aspects of my future which i'd like to elaborate on today.

the first of these is judo (kind of shows my priorities again, huh?). a few conversations with seniors (ok, senior) and friends have given me quite some food for thought. in particular, talking to the senior who trained us for kata gave me some interesting revelations. slight digression — i watched my kata video, and i'm mostly pleased with my performance, there was one glaring error i noticed, and it happened during the easiest throw, too! so annoying. but well, i'm more or less satisfied with it, and that's what matters.

now, back to the main story. over MSN, i mentioned to him that going back to CJC to teach and help out was fun and all, but it wasn't doing much for my own growth in judo. this feeling of stagnation is normal at around this stage of my judo life, according to him. normal as it may be, i'm not too happy about it. having achieved first dan, i'm prepared not to see my belt colour change for the next 40 years or so. but i think i need to push myself more. not as easy as it sounds, what with school and other stuff in the way. keeping that objective in mind, i've decided to be semi-regular at the NUS coach's judo school, and if offered, maybe take up a part-time teaching position there. i've got no idea whether it's a paying job, or whether my payment will be in the form of free lessons. whatever the case, i'm at least going to check it out.

somehow, i think judo is slowly becoming my main sport. i feel more technically knowledgeable and physically competent for judo than i do for bowling right now. maybe it's because there's no such thing as a bowling black belt to boost my confidence. it gets worse, too! i'm taking the referee course with my kata partner and one of our friends, and i'm actually hunting around to see if a judo practical course exists, so that it complements my NCAP level 1. eventually, i'm thinking of doing what my coach did back when i was in JC...have a day job, then coach judo in my spare time. well...one step at a time, starting with the referee course.

second thing, school. this semester's practically flown by...we're about 3 weeks out from the finals. somehow, i think this semester's results may undo anything positive from last semester. i'm still completely lost for analytical. organic isn't that bad, since this past thursday's test has shown that i can sort of get it if i really focus. inorganic is still...survivable, though solid state looks potentially troublesome. physics is ok, while ES...one more oral presentation and i'm done with it. so, hang in there. this semester has made me question my original choice of specialization. organic (especially synthesis) doesn't look like it'll come easy. but then, it's also worth fighting for. or i could always reconsider. after all, i have another year or so. no point rushing important decisions.

lastly, tuition. i haven't really done my "newton's third law" thing yet, because i've been missing tuition left and right for the last 3 weeks. but since this post is mostly future-oriented, i'll talk about future tuition plans. giving tuition has been a total pain without the car. yes, i'm still on hold until the bleeding eye checkup, and i'm not entirely happy about it. in all fairness, though, my dad has been taking the extra effort to give me lifts around, so i can't really complain. just wish i could drive. well, to be VERY technical about it, i could, but that would just invite additional unnecessary trouble.

going back to tuition, i've been severely demoralized/depressed by the kids' common test grades...so much so that i've decided that if they don't improve by the mid-years, i'll be dropping some of them. does my heart better, especially since i'll be starting third year in NUS. i just should place myself at a higher priority over the kids. after all, some of them don't know how much pain they put me through, or how much sleep i've lost over them. bleh.

speaking of losing sleep, i'm doing that right now. i should probably head off. goodness knows i need my rest, especially with all the travelling by public transport that i'll have to do.

-random thought of the day: 船到桥头自然直...I hope.-

All of a sudden, there's been a huge reduction in my stress levels. that's largely because my ES proposal has been submitted. i hope something good comes out of it...otherwise, staying up until 6:30am between sunday and monday wouldn't have been worth it. nor would surviving a full monday's classes on half an hour's sleep, for that matter.

surprisingly, i don't feel all that tired now. maybe it'll kick in later or something. hope not, though. i can't afford to slack off just yet, due to an organic test this thursday...and by extension, my finals in about 3 weeks. somehow, i have the feeling that my CAP's going to go down this semester. not good.

about what i said earlier about not being tired...i take that back. the fatigue just hit me. i don't think i'll continue this post much further, except to say that i want to blog about my grading kata, coaching philosophy, a bit on lab, cooking, and some other random stuff.

-random thought of the day: Go for consultation or study at home tomorrow?-