"Muggy" comes to mind as the perfect adjective to describe today's weather. it's the horrible kind of hot and humid (not that there's a non-horrible kind of hot and humid) that leaves you sweating from just lying in bed and doing nothing. and when you take a shower, there'll be this thin layer of water that remains on your skin no matter how much you towel off. to escape the weather, and also because i had some washing up to do, i'm back in lab. not complaining about it, since it's my choice, and also since it's nice and cool in here.

so...it's been almost 2 weeks since the last post. i'd love to say that the long delay was because i was too busy churning out data in anticipation of publishing a paper, but that couldn't be further away from the truth. my stupid substrate synthesis isn't even complete yet, so there went my deadline. at present, i've got 4 most viable synthesis routes (after my first 5 routes failed), and if none of those work out...well, i don't want to think about it. but i have high hopes for the top 2 most likely to succeed, so i'm keeping my fingers crossed.

my birthday this year passed with almost no fanfare. just some messages on whatsapp and facebook. once again, i'm not complaining that it was too low key or anything like that. after all, i'm not the party type. there was drinking with them chem kids the next day, so i guess that kind of worked out. i was doing ok with wine and sake, but downing one-third of a plastic cup of whiskey killed me to the point that i had to trouble my friend to drive me back. note for future reference: no more ta-ing straight alcohol, regardless what others say.

a couple of things greatly annoyed me this past week. first of all, someone opened my mail. you may have heard about how much i dislike people going through my stuff. opening my mail is like that, but X10. after all, i don't touch anyone else's mail, and i expect that same courtesy to be extended back to me. i don't care if the contents are good or bad, or who the letter is from, or whether it's urgent or not. just stay the hell away. i'll bear any consequences from me not opening it in time. it's not the first time either. i know that about 2 years ago, my dad opened my bank statement to get my account number so that he could transfer money to my account. unfortunately for him, i noticed the account imbalance (get it? it should be account balance!) and solved it. the thing that really pissed me off was that i happened to walk past as he was opening it, and he told me that he accidentally opened my letter. although my friends say that i'm gullible, i'm not retarded.

the second thing, believe it or not, is worse. background information: remember i have an aunt and uncle living in new zealand? they have an unoccupied HDB flat in tampines, which my brother temporarily moved into since it's closer to his school or something like that. so that means the room which we shared is sort of "mine" now. i wonder if you can imagine the cycle of feeling when i came back one day to find my sister in there, studying at the now-vacated computer table. it's not like there's nowhere else to study; she has a room to herself, and there are common areas like the living room. i'm actually half-tempted to dismantle the computer table and move it elsewhere. before you think i'm making a mountain out of a molehill, i'm the kind of person who, upon reaching home, just wants to be alone for a while to shake off the stresses of the day. and having someone else in close proximity isn't the best way to be alone. whatever the case is, it's making "home" feel even less like home. and that's kind of the secondary reason i keep late hours and even come back to lab when it's not required. once again, i'm not exactly complaining, since i chose to remove myself from the equation. and in fact, as soon as it becomes financially and logistically feasible, i'm moving out. no second thoughts. almost makes we wish i spent the money that was spent on the car on renting a room somewhere in buona vista, or even on a graduate residence on-campus. thankfully, the car won out, and still wins out, everything considered.

due to this, and some other stuff, i just haven't been feeling very happy recently. it's probably not depression or anything serious...i'm probably just stuck in a rut. and not having anyone that i'd want to talk to probably magnifies the bad stuff in my head. almost makes me think counselling might work. ALMOST. luckily for me, i have this! guess i'll just sick to blogging until i feel worse, like suicidal or something. but until then, blogging will suffice.

on a very slightly related tangent, have you ever fallen in like with someone because of their smile? weird and superficial as it sounds, i kind of did. i think this person's smile ranks among the top 2 nicest smiles i've seen all my life. and although we barely know each other, i really want to see that smile on a daily basis, and maybe if i should be so lucky, be the reason that that person's smiling. but realistically, there is literally a negative chance of anything developing. trust me, i know. in the end, i guess it's just something to inject some brightness into my day.

guess that's enough moping for one post. i should probably get back in the lab to finish my washing up, do a few NMRs, and depending on those results, maybe start a reaction in time for work-up tomorrow.

-random thought of the day: Drunk girls are scary.-

Every researcher is sure to have had at least one bad lab day in their lives. today was one such rough day for me. after spilling 80% of my 10g of compound, i decided that i wasn't going to try anything more complicated than some minor housekeeping. in the grand scheme of things, it's probably not that big of a deal. it's only the product of the first step of the synthesis, and we still have quite a bit of starting material left. only thing it's a bit inconvenient and time-wasting, since i have to synthesize more to scale-up again. or maybe it's someone's way of telling me that this route might not work out, and that my other route stands a better chance? i can hope, i guess.

on the bright side, i feel quite accomplished for solving the alt+F4 issue my keyboard was having. brief recap: after i'd entered my password and logged on to windows, the alt+F4 key combination would be pressed non-stop even when i wasn't doing anything. that made the computer impossible to use, since any windows opened would be quite quickly closed. it happened once earlier this year, and started again last week. normally i'd initially suspect that it was due to some virus, but after a norton scan came up clean, my thoughts turned to hardware. even after i made sure both the alt and F4 keys weren't jammed, the problem still persisted. at that point, i'd pretty much guessed that it was a keyboard issue, since unplugging it solved the problem, though it was at the cost of being unable to type quickly. somehow, i had a brief stroke of genius just now, and figured out that it was one of my bindable keys that was jammed instead. you see, my keyboard was marketed as a gaming keyboard. though i don't fancy myself as much of a gamer, i bought it because of the cool orange backlighting and typing on it felt good. actually, showing a picture might give a better idea:

of course, having had mine for...6-ish years, it looks much older. like all the shiny metallic-finished buttons and switches have oxidized, and i bet that there's all sorts of grime and dirt under and in-between the keys. so what actually happened was that i bound alt+F4 to G6 (most bottom-left key), for ease of closing applications, and it was that key that got stuck instead. i tried removing the key to poke around underneath, but that didn't solve it. so i had to use some ninja skill and rebind G6 to something else, then delete the binding altogether. all this was done in a few seconds between "presses", by the way, which makes me feel kind of proud of myself. cheap thrills, but i figured after such a sucky day, i'd take anything that was even the slightest bit positive.

met my friend for dinner today at ion, which was another positive thing. we ate at monster curry, which he'd wanted to try for some time now, and which i was also mildly curious about. service-wise, the staff were polite, but something still felt weird, like they were being too brisk. as for the food, the serving size was quite big...as was the price. tasted pretty good though. note to self: try level 3 or 4 spiciness next time. we were talking over dinner, and i told him all about my sucky lab day today. he, in turn, shared some of his girlfriend issues and other work stuff. somehow, it seems that as time goes by, we have less and less in common. he's out there working, while i'm still in the relative safety of NUS. he's got a girlfriend, i'm still happily(?) single. he's planning for married life, and i'm just sitting here m...blogging. i was just telling him earlier, although his relationship isn't always smooth-sailing, he seems to be happier overall, so that's working out ok for him i guess. as for the arguments and whatnot, i remember a proverb i learnt in japanese 2 which goes "the ground that has endured rains is firmer". something like that.

while driving home, i realized that right now, there are exactly zero people i would choose to confide in. that can't be healthy, right? but well, the people whom i'd thought that i could confide in somehow became distant. or maybe i pushed them away? don't think so, but who knows. also, everyone's got their problems, and i don't think they'd like additional burden from me. that's why blogging is still the best. anyone who wants to read it has full access, and if they don't like it, they can just leave the page...or send a threat of legal action (yes, i'm not letting up on that one so easily). and perhaps, in some way, it is kind of confiding in someone, because i usually feel much better after publishing a post.

last sucky thing for this post, i promise. just started flipping through the JLPT books which i'd bought yesterday. as in, i started flipping yesterday. i'd bought them quite a while back. it seems to me that my standard is nowhere good enough for N2. there are lots of kanji i can recognize and whose meaning i can roughly guess based on chinese, but i have no idea about their japanese pronunciation. it's not that important, seeing as the test is MCQ, but the thing is that these words might appear in the listening section, which means that i may not know what i'm listening to. well, seeing as i have about 8 weeks to the test, and 3 books to go through, that works out to roughly 2 weeks per book. not impossible, but definitely will be challenging. definitely should have started earlier. but well...make do with what we have now. to put it in perspective, this is one of those things that i wouldn't mind failing. not that i WANT to fail, but the cost of failing is $65, 2 photos (about $8?), one postage-paid envelope, and a sunday afternoon. nothing i can't really afford to lose. of course i'd rather pass well the first time, but just saying. in the event i fail, it's not the end of the world.

have to get up early tomorrow. i've been trying to reset my body clock, with some success last week, not so much this week. might have been the stress from having to get enough data to present at group meeting. hope things look up from here on.

-random thought of the day: It's been 10 years since graduation from secondary school.-

Let's begin today's post with a story.

The Egg
By: Andy Weir

You were on your way home when you died.

It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.

And that’s when you met me.

“What… what happened?” You asked. “Where am I?”
“You died,” I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.
“There was a… a truck and it was skidding…”
“Yup,” I said.
“I… I died?”
“Yup. But don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies,” I said.
You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me.
“What is this place?” You asked. “Is this the afterlife?”
“More or less,” I said.
“Are you god?” You asked.
“Yup,” I replied. “I’m God.”
“My kids… my wife,” you said.
“What about them?”
“Will they be all right?”
“That’s what I like to see,” I said. “You just died and your main concern is for your family. That’s good stuff right there.”

You looked at me with fascination. To you, I didn’t look like God. I just looked like some man. Or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure, maybe. More of a grammar school teacher than the almighty.

“Don’t worry,” I said. “They’ll be fine. Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn’t have time to grow contempt for you. Your wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it’s any consolation, she’ll feel very guilty for feeling relieved.”
“Oh,” you said. “So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?”
“Neither,” I said. “You’ll be reincarnated.”
“Ah,” you said. “So the Hindus were right,”
“All religions are right in their own way,” I said. “Walk with me.”
You followed along as we strode through the void. “Where are we going?”
“Nowhere in particular,” I said. “It’s just nice to walk while we talk.”
“So what’s the point, then?” You asked. “When I get reborn, I’ll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won’t matter.”
“Not so!” I said. “You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don’t remember them right now.”

I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. “Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the experiences it had. You’ve been in a human for the last 48 years, so you haven’t stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here for long enough, you’d start remembering everything. But there’s no point to doing that between each life.”

“How many times have I been reincarnated, then?”
“Oh lots. Lots and lots. An in to lots of different lives.” I said. “This time around, you’ll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD.”
“Wait, what?” You stammered. “You’re sending me back in time?”
“Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from.”
“Where you come from?” You said.
“Oh sure,” I explained “I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know you’ll want to know what it’s like there, but honestly you wouldn’t understand.”
“Oh,” you said, a little let down. “But wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point.”
“Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don’t even know it’s happening.”
“So what’s the point of it all?”
“Seriously?” I asked. “Seriously? You’re asking me for the meaning of life? Isn’t that a little stereotypical?”
“Well it’s a reasonable question,” you persisted.

I looked you in the eye. “The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature.”
“You mean mankind? You want us to mature?”
“No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect.”
“Just me? What about everyone else?”
“There is no one else,” I said. “In this universe, there’s just you and me.”
You stared blankly at me. “But all the people on earth…”
“All you. Different incarnations of you.”
“Wait. I’m everyone!?”
“Now you’re getting it,” I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.
“I’m every human being who ever lived?”
“Or who will ever live, yes.”
“I’m Abraham Lincoln?”
“And you’re John Wilkes Booth, too,” I added.
“I’m Hitler?” You said, appalled.
“And you’re the millions he killed.”
“I’m Jesus?”
“And you’re everyone who followed him.”

You fell silent.

“Every time you victimized someone,” I said, “you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.”

You thought for a long time.

“Why?” You asked me. “Why do all this?”
“Because someday, you will become like me. Because that’s what you are. You’re one of my kind. You’re my child.”
“Whoa,” you said, incredulous. “You mean I’m a god?”
“No. Not yet. You’re a foetus. You’re still growing. Once you’ve lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born.”
“So the whole universe,” you said, “it’s just…”
“An egg.” I answered. “Now it’s time for you to move on to your next life.”

And I sent you on your way.

---------------

of all the interpretations of god/the afterlife i've heard so far in my life, i think i might like this one the most. it quite nicely unifies a few of the things i believe in (karma being one of the more significant things). though i'll probably never know for sure, i kind of wish that this was true. sounds tough though...living every single life from the beginning of time to its end. admittedly, some lives are shorter than others, but still.

considering we don't even know when time will end, it could be a few million years in the future. then again, becoming a god can't be that easy, right? i wonder if a mole of people would have lived and died by the time we (i) matured. and more interestingly, what happens after the egg hatches? what do gods do for fun? is there more growing/maturing to do? or do we get to have a child of our own, and put him through the same process?

to me, the take-away message is to be nicer to people. instead of "what goes around comes around", this is more like "you hurt yourself by hurting others". wish other people (or other incarnations of me) could discover this story and maybe change their mindsets a bit.

that aside, it's hari raya haji. or it was, yesterday. and you know the whole monday off if sunday is a holiday thing. but i'm still in school. in fact, i've been uncharacteristically hardworking, coming to school on saturday, yesterday, and today. so much for long weekend. not like i have much choice, though...i'm due to present for group meeting in 4 days and a bit...not forgetting my drugs powerpoint, which i have barely started on. definitely going to have to kick it into high gear this week. thankfully, i seem to be ok-ish for research...i'm 3 steps away from the finished substrate, and if all goes well, i can probably finish it by thursday and try a reaction on friday, which i can then report as "in progress". sounds like a plan. as far as possible, i'm trying to avoid overnighting in school, so i definitely have to utilize my waking hours more efficiently.

JLPT is in almost exactly 2 months, and i haven't started studying at all. i did bring the books to school (since i'll be in school more often than not) and i also bought a(nother) nice blank notebook to avoid writing in the textbooks themselves. so...it's a start, i guess. the plan now is to spend an hour or two on japanese every day from tomorrow onwards. and speaking of plans, i'm also aiming to keep better hours. like from 10:00am to 10:00pm, instead of 1:00pm to 1:00am. the latter can't be healthy in the long run.

the past week was quite horrible. there was a big safety check, which i had to handle. thankfully i have an assistant overseeing the S5 lab, so that really reduced my workload. he's good for a year 1 student...but still a little bit unpolished in handling the safety people. no worries; he'll get it as he learns on the job. as for the check, the report's not out yet, but i think we'll make it and there won't be a (re-)re-inspection. better not jinx it, though. it would suck quite badly if things went south. on a slightly related note, i'm not in charge of chemical orders any more! good thing, too. we have more than enough people in the lab to handle the various jobs, actually. still have no idea why i had to handle two portfolios. but oh well. i just hope my professor doesn't compare my progress to the other grad student who has NOTHING outside of waste disposal, which is rotated among the grad students anyway. fingers crossed.

as a result of the stress these past few weeks, i've been a bit too trigger-happy with the blackcurrant hacks. even though it's supposed to be good for the throat and whatnot, there's no escaping the fact that the main ingredient is sugar. so, i've decided to go without sweets for the next 2 weeks, ending this self-imposed ban on my birthday. what nice timing.

even though i said that i've been back to school every day of this long weekend, i've had my fair share of socializing/fun as well, with drinks at beer market yesterday, and lunch at mookata today. the beer market gimmick is like it's a stock exchange for beer. the price of popular beers go up, while less popular beers become cheaper and eventually bottom out. the reason i refer to this as a gimmick is because even though the price can fluctuate, there is a floor price, which is definitely still above cost. so no matter what, the place makes money. just a matter of how much. then again, i don't suppose any sensible business owner would put himself in a situation where he might lose money, right?

mookata (although it means pork grill in thai, it still sounds like a bovine martial arts demonstration to me) at katong was pretty good too! the excellent service made up for the slightly too hot environment and the portion sizes. funny; i read reviews that said their service sucked. could be that the review was referring to a different branch, or it might have been the timing (we went around 1:00pm, where there were like only 4 other tables occupied, maximum). the story may have been different if we went during the dinner rush. anyway, the food was above average, just that the portion sizes were a bit too small. then again, i was hungry. as we were walking around katong i12 after lunch, we saw that there was another branch inside the mall itself (we had went to the one across the road). the branch in the mall offered an 80-minute all-you-can-eat buffet, for about the same price as what we spent ordering a la carte. plus there would have been air-con! would have eaten there instead if we had known. bugger.

oh. one kind of odd thing happened this past week. i got a few blisters on my left hand. well...they're not exactly blisters, because new skin had already grown underneath. i only discovered it when i accidentally splashed THF on my hand, and it hurt worse than usual. normally, it's just a stinging sensation that goes away quickly when rinsed with water. my hand felt like it was burning that time. not fun. don't know what caused it, either. it's happened before, so i guess it's not such a big deal. the last time was about 3 years ago or so...before i started work in this lab, at any rate. it's probably nothing major, but it was a little shocking at first.

don't think i missed out any major stuff. think i'd better write an email (DNC registry complaint), go for NMR, then go home. have to sleep earlier, after all.

-random thought of the day: Don't forget house keys again!-

'What's your greatest weakness?'

that's a question which i think is quite commonly used during job interviews. and according to the ES module which i took in year 2 (so long ago!), it's actually an opportunity to show off your strengths. common answers would go something like "i work too hard; you'll see me in the office on weekends, public holidays..." or "i don't know when to quit, i'll complete the project at all costs". personally, if i was the interviewer, i'd prefer an honest answer, because knowing someone's weaknesses (and strengths) will help in putting them in an area where the weaknesses will be covered. but that's not my main point. my weakness would be that i care too much. not sure if it's a side effect of the singaporean education system, or whether it's just my nature, but somehow, i find it difficult to hand up something which doesn't look as good as i'd imagined. that might have been the reason i didn't hand up so much homework growing up. or i might just have been lazy. but anyway. i think i'd better learn how to care less, because most of the people in lab aren't even bothered. even though i'm appointed as the safety lead, they basically ignore everything i tell them with regards to lab maintenance. and to make things worse, i get blamed whenever the safety people point these things out again. my professor kind of understands i think...he'll send emails to back me up, saying stuff like "please cooperate", but he never really enforces any punishment or anything. then again, that would be difficult too, since suspension or other forms of negative action slows productivity down, which means that papers take longer. and that's bad for the lab.

it's more sucky because in terms of time with the lab, i come in at like 5th place out of 18, thanks to UROPS and honours. i'm only behind my professor himself and a few senior grad students. i even outrank all 3 postdocs in that regard! and yet, some people are trying to play punk. the worst thing is, i can't even leave them to die like i'd originally wanted to. because if we don't clear this check, more and more rounds of checks will be scheduled in the future. and guess who suffers the most in the end? the damned safety lead, that's who. i really don't want to play the nationality card here, so i won't. but i will say this. it seems that the people in lab who have been through some sort of military training are generally more cooperative, and more willing to go out of their way to help. well, at least i don't have to deal with the moron grad student who left a couple months ago. not sure if he submitted his thesis and got his degree, but i sure hope he didn't. worst case scenario is i really lose it and something ugly happens. less worst case is i talk to my professor before that happens, and he does something about it.

driving is also getting on my nerves. you'd think that since i leave lab late at night/early in the morning, there wouldn't be moron drivers on the road, right? you'd be surprised (and wrong). it's the usual stuff, taxis stopping at the stupidest locations to pick passengers up or drop them off, people hogging the right lane, NOT SIGNALLING WHEN FILTERING, and various other examples of stupid behaviour. it really makes me wonder how they passed their driving test. you know, maybe the LTA should hire undercover taxi passengers whose job scope involves taking the taxi to some random location, and booking them for whatever traffic rules they break. if only that idea could be extended to private transport as well. also, as much as i try not to stereotype, i do find that women are, in general, worse drivers than men. having said that, i've met some good female drivers and some lousy male ones, but the general trend holds. i mean, stereotypes exist for a reason, right? i hope i never become the kind of driver i dislike as i get older.

since i have a mid-term tomorrow for drugs), i brought my notes home in the off chance that i might want to study. i actually was planning to, but compiling the lab's chemical list took WAY longer than i thought. i'd hoped for it to be a 3-hour job, maximum, but i spent like 9 hours over 2 days. but at least it's done. and to be honest, i don't really want to study all that bio stuff. think i'll have a quick look-through tomorrow during TA, or better yet, if TA finishes early. the only reason i'd even consider looking through my notes while on duty is because tomorrow's experiment is column chromatography. and it's very difficult to not separate the mixture successfully. then again...year 1s. genius knows no bounds. well, we'll see how things go. as a reminder to myself, i can probably be hit by a C and still be above the CAP requirement, so i shouldn't be too worried. should be ok as long as i don't fail too terribly.

as for lab work, the enolate reaction worked!! thank goodness for having knowledgeable seniors. only thing was that my column kind of sucked, so i don't know if i got the correct product or not. nevertheless, it's a step in the right direction! if all goes well, i'll have the molecule prepared, and a reaction tried by my birthday. keeping everything crossed on meeting that deadline.

-random thought of the day: Sleep early!-

Something's seriously wrong...the fact that i'm still in school notwithstanding. no, the problem i have is bigger than that. seems like i'm losing motivation again. could be a sign that i have to send my professor an update, since talking to him usually does the trick. but that aside, i remember a quote that goes something like "find a job you love, and you'll never work a day of your life". one of my friends seems to be a living example of that; he loves cars, and i think he's the editor of this one car magazine. not sure if there's another day job nor not, but based on how involved he is, the time commitment can't be all that small, which might make having another job difficult. incidentally, he's the same friend who introduced me to blogging when we were both in sec 3. not sure if he still has a personal blog or not, the last blog i knew he had was closed in sec 4 or J1. surprising, that i'm still at it after so long and he isn't.

and on a more personal front, i've got to get my body clock under control. these late days and late nights can't be too healthy. my sleep schedule is quite messed up. on average, i sleep at 2:30am and get up at 11:00am. and somehow when i get up, i really really don't feel like going to school. so after some internal struggle, the "go to school" side will usually win out, and it'll be about 2:00pm by the time i reach, which then means that i have to pull a late night to finish whatever i have to do, and the cycle repeats itself. so annoying. think i have to do something extreme to break out of it, like force myself to come to school early...which is the plan for tomorrow.

that aside, there's a big safety check soon. bugger. they seem to want to do a very through check, similar to last time. on one hand, i shouldn't feel upset, because it's their job, and it's good for us to be safe. but then, i get really annoyed when they start to nitpick, especially for super minor things like the neatness of our benchtops and fume hoods. i thought i left all that stand by area stuff back in army. well, with any luck, i hope we can clear this round smoothly, and get them off our backs. it's really not fun having this constant thing looming over you.

probably should get ready to close shop and head home. with any luck, my enolate reaction will work this time. though if it does, i'll still be kicking myself for mot trying this set of much milder/easier conditions first. i'll be kicking myself (for wasting time) if it doesn't work anyway, so i guess same difference?

-random thought of the day: Start studying for JLPT!-

Here i am in school again, running another night shift. no choice, since there's a lab check tomorrow. well, actually there was a choice, to settle everything in the daytime. but too many people to manoeuvre around, and too noisy for me to think out loud. so i'm doing it at night. i'm not complaining, exactly, since i chose the time. complaints (about other stuff) will come later.

for now, some regular blogging first. as you may have read from the last post, i signed up for the JLPT, at the N2 level. that's the second-highest, by the way. i know that i'm definitely not prepared for N1, so i figured let's aim a little lower first, get a feeling for what the test format is, the way questions are phrased and all that. signing up was quite straightforward, just had to make payment ($65), then fill up the online form. nothing too special. pro tip in case you're ever planning on signing up online for the JLPT - have the test guide open in another tab or window, preferably side-by-side with the registration form. you'll need the information there. i personally used my second monitor, which i found to be really convenient. the last thing i had to do was to send in the photo form (with 2 photos) by mail. took the chance to go down to the new-ish post office at bishan CC to buy some envelopes. was about to buy a pack of 20 when i saw that they sold the postage-paid envelopes at the counter. and thankfully, they sell them by the piece, so i just got 1 since it was all i needed. it had a rather cartoon-ish panda design, and cost 40 cents, by the way. if i remember correctly, a "first local" stamp costs 26 cents. which means that the envelope itself cost 14 cents? something like that. compared to the 20-pack of envelopes i was prepared to buy, which cost $2.40, meaning each envelope costs 12 cents. odd. i was quite sure that the first choice was more economical. i guess it was, in a sense, since the absolute amount of money i spent was lower.

Started writing that on thursday night/friday morning, but was too tired to actually finish it off. wouldn't have been so bad if the check went smoothly, but the person checking our lab was tied up with work. morning became afternoon, afternoon became tuesday (tomorrow). really cheated my feelings upside down. and as you may know from the second law of thermodynamics, the lab got messy over the weekend. and some people went to mess up my beautifully-arranged stuff. so, i've decided that i've had it. it's no point going so far out of my way for unappreciative people. from now on, i'll just remind them, and if they decide not to do anything, i'll just leave them to die. and even if the lab closes, my conscience is clear.

there have been so many things going on the the past week or so, i honestly don't know where to begin. so i think i'll try talking about friendship. a few sundays back, i went to send my friend/junior off at the airport. he was flying to china, where he's set to spend the next 2 years finishing his degree in TCM. we were still reasonably close back when i just started university and he was in army, so i thought it would be nice to see him before he went off. considering i haven't really seen him for about 2 years already, i guess it wouldn't have made much difference. if someone had come to send me off, i guess i would have made them feel welcome, and appreciated that they came down at 6:00+am on a sunday just to spend some time with me. that was everything i didn't feel, so i thought that it definitely wasn't worth it for me. but on the other hand, it's not really about the guest, is it? it's about the person who's flying. so maybe i'm looking at this wrongly. i don't know.

here's another thought that comes on and off to my mind...what separates a criminal from the average person on the street? it's rather open-ended, and there's probably no single correct answer. my answer, though, is self-control. in the past few days alone, how many times have you thought, 'i'll kill that bugger!' or 'you better not let me catch you alone, or you'll get it'. at least once, right? i know i variations of those thoughts have crossed my mind way more than once. and the thing that separates criminals from non-criminals is probably that criminals have a higher tendency to act on these impulses. and maybe luck plays a part too, like a policeman happens to walk by when a guy is acting on such an impulse. so that was just a random thought.

also this past week, i did something which i've been meaning to do for quite a while now, and that was to clean out the car's boot space. amazing how much rubbish naturally accumulates there after a while. got rid of 2 cardboard boxes, a lot of paper, and brought some items back to the house. not sure how much that will go towards improving my fuel economy, but i figure every little bit helps, right? next thing i have to go: get all my petrol receipts together and do a bit of accounting.

guess that's all i can remember right now. not blogging for too long causes older and less significant events to get lost in my head. well...i should probably call it a night too. have to try and fix my sleep schedule and be in lab earlier tomorrow to figure out my reaction and tank the safety check.

-random thought of the day: Getting old.-

It happens, on average, less than 3 times a year. "it" being me suffering from insomnia. it's really weird, because it just happens out of the blue, like last night. granted, i may have taken a half-hour power nap in the afternoon, but that shouldn't throw my sleep schedule off by 4 hours right!? as a result, i slept at about 5:30am, woke up at about 9:30am, and basically operated on 4 hours' sleep today, with TA and class to boot. not bad. ok, admittedly, i spaced out in class and may have nodded off very briefly a few times. think that'll justify me coming in a bit late(r) tomorrow.

that's it for this post, actually. just wanted to blog about my insomnia. oh. i'm signing up for JLPT N2. will probably talk about the whole process in the next post, as well as something that quite annoyed me this past weekend. by the way, i'm still in school. just have to make sure one reagent is completely added, and i'm off.

-random thought of the day: Too tired to continue.-

Never thought i'd be one to suffer from mood swings. worst thing is, they're due to the stupidest thing - research! seems like there's barely any link, but let me explain. here's how things go down, in a somewhat flowchart form. i'm happy if do a literature search, and can find nice easy reactions with chemicals that i know that we have in lab. next step, actually locating those chemicals. we're in the midst of reshuffling, so things are a little messy. like tonight, i spent an hour hunting for a bottle of potassium t-butoxide, even going to the chemical store and our other lab. took me about an hour, with no luck. i was so engrossed in looking for the damned thing that i missed my phone ringing, and as a result, accidentally stood my friend up. what makes it worse is that he came down to NUS after work and waited over an hour for me. then, my senior spotted the bottle at the balance right next to my fume hood. how moronic is that!? so that delayed me by a fair bit. more elaboration later. back to the flowchart thing. locating all the chemicals and doing the reaction. i get super annoyed when it doesn't work out as planned, even though the plan looks sound from every angle. so as you can see, there are many many opportunities for table-flipping. and this is just substrate synthesis. not even the actual reaction, which SHOULD go smoother, since i already have somewhat of an example. but right now, my main objective is to synthesize the compound. one thing i have to be grateful about is that another scifinder search led me to stumble on the exact structure of the compound i was looking for. don't know why it didn't turn up in previous searches. so this new route is a convergent synthesis, which should give higher overall yield. the horrible thing is that according to the literature, the very first step of one branch only yields 39% desired product. but well. i just need like 10mmol overall to try a few reactions. considering that i've thrown in 50mmol and 20mmol for each respective branch, i'm optimistic. expanding the substrate scope might be troublesome though...but we'll cross that bridge at the appropriate time.

one more piece of news that crosses my mind now. i'm signing up for JLPT! test date should be this december, and i'm going for N2. the statistics aren't helping me in making my decision. so far, i know 3 people who have taken the exam. 2 are from japanese 5, and the third is a friend of a friend. i can't use the last one as reference, because it seems that she speaks japanese every day in her office. definitely not a fair comparison. as for my 2 classmates, i know one passed (he posted his results slip on facebook), and i suspect the other one failed. both of their advice is the same...read up for kanji. the one who passed said that surviving NUS japanese 5 means that N2 should be manageable, particularly for the listening component. definitely have to study though...i don't feel all that confident of passing right now. research might make it difficult, but then again, i don't have finals this semester, and the JLPT is like...3 months away. i can probably make something work in that time. i actually emailed last semester's japanese lecturer to borrow the N2 textbook. she said that while i could borrow it, it was for the lecturers' use, and that if required, i'd have to return it on demand. too troublesome. so i guess i'll be going down to kinokuniya maybe this sunday to check things out.

part of the registration process involves sending in 2 passport photos. you know what that means...time to do something which i really dislike. and in a sense, the timing works, because i need a haircut. so i guess i'll get my hair cut either tomorrow or this weekend, then find somewhere to take passport photos, then register online on monday, and send the the photos in by mail during the week. seems like i'll make the deadline with no problems.

some time ago, like a couple of years, i participated in this NUS allergy study (and got a $10 co-op voucher for participating). during that test, i found out that i'm allergic to dust mites. not sure if that's why i've been itching like mad recently. that, and i've got a lot of mosquito bites. the nights are cooler than say, a month ago, and i'm really grateful for that. might mean that mosquitoes breed more. i don't know. whatever it is, my legs feel almost as bad as during the whole sandfly episode in JC. well...just as long as it's not chemical-induced, i'm sure it'll be fine. gets annoying, though, especially when it keeps me awake.

am i forgetting anything? probably not. oh right. remember that i took an hour to hunt for that damned chemical? that means i started the reaction late. that, in turn, means that i'll have to go to school early tomorrow for the next step. the original idea was to reach by 2:00am, but upon more thought, i think i'll just wake up at 5:00am and reach by 6:00am. i trust 4 more hours shouldn't affect my reactions to that great a degree, especially since i have enough dry ice to keep them cold, and they're done at low-temperature anyway. just hope at least one of them succeeds.

-random thought of the day: Look into getting a pen holster.-

Empathy. the first time i heard that word was in sec 1, when it was the name of my cousin's class. at that time, i didn't know what it meant, and to me, it was more or less interchangeable with "sympathy". a few hundred (thousand?) english lessons later, and i've discovered the difference. to explain it simply, sympathy is "i feel bad for you". empathy is "i know how you feel". for me, if i can't empathize with someone's situation, i find it hard to sympathize with them. case in point: mental illness. there are two factors involved here. firstly, although i have some eccentricities, i don't have serious mental illness, like depression or schizophrenia, so it's hard for me to imagine what it's like. i've heard of stuff like people hearing voices, or just not having the energy or motivation to get out of bed. ok, i admit i've felt the latter one before, but that was from physical fatigue. not having the experience makes it hard to empathize. like if someone told me that they had say, a fever or food poisoning, i know exactly how sucky that can feel, since i've suffered from it before. therefore, i have a good idea of what they're going through. secondly, army's turned me into somewhat of a sceptic as far as mental illness is concerned. i find it hard to believe that someone can be perfectly normal outside of camp, and even within the bunk, but turn into a wreck in front of the MO. or maybe that's the what the mental illness is, and it acts up in time of stress. but from what i know, i don't think it can be turned on and off like that.

anyway, even if it's not real to me, it's real enough to some other people. i mean, chao keng is one thing, but for someone to commit suicide probably means that he isn't messing around. while i hope i never fall victim to such a severe case of mental illness, a part of me actually wonders what it would be like to experience it, just for maybe an hour (a day sounds a little too long for my liking here). i guess the long story short version of what i'm trying to say is that i'd like to be more sensitive to people who are fighting their own invisible battles.

with email, facebook and whatsapp as the primary means of communication nowadays, it's rare for me to receive anything in the mail that isn't a bill or a bank statement. despite being pretty tech-savvy, i must admit that there's something i quite like about receiving something physical in the mail. the last time that happened was...many years back, when some of my friends wrote christmas cards back to me. of course, i've done my fair share of online purchases, which inevitably results in something being delivered to my doorstep. but that doesn't count, since i know it's coming. even then, it's quite fun to follow the tracking page. have to admit, i'm quite a tracking stalker. and my most recent tracking stalking experience was this past week, when i was looking at a couple of shipments from amazon via borderlinx. i got myself a couple of fountain pens, one bottle of very deep blue ink, one bottle of invisible ink, and a UV light to visualize that ink. prices were a little steep, considering that i used a package-forwarding service, but i figure that if i'm paying about the same price for borderlinx as compared to direct shipping from amazon, i might as well choose the slightly faster alternative, right? so yes. that's my form of retail therapy these days. kind of sad, right? but well. it's my money, and i'm spending well within my means. while on the topic of old vs. new, i realize that i like hand-writing stuff. gives a more personal touch, i think. maybe i'll resume sending christmas cards out this year?

also this past week, i've been reminded of the importance of timely communication with my professor. after trying like 10 solvent combinations, 5 halogen sources, and 7 catalyst variants, the ee for my reaction is still a big whopping zero. so we've decided to do some substrate modification, then try the reaction with the new thing instead. the synthesis route i devised is easy, pretty standard textbook reactions. a year 2 undergrad who aims to specialize in organic chem should be able to think of it, or at least something similar. and although it looks great on paper, the actual reaction is not going so smoothly. i've spent the past week trying to get the first step to work. it's not that complex; just enolate generation and nucleophilic substitution. the theory aspect is solid. practical aspect...not so much. hopefully this works out, because it's the simplest, shortest, and most straightforward synthesis route. i do have a couple of backup routes, but they're all like about 2-3 steps longer. there's only one other problem i can think of, and that's one reagent (LDA) being in bad condition. so i'm going to try and generate my own LDA, and try the reaction with that. if that fails...let's not think about that just yet.

don't know if i've been more short-tempered recently, or if the moron drivers on the roads are multiplying. i think i've sounded my horn at, and/or high-beamed someone 4 out of 5 days this past week, most of which were for drivers not signalling when filtering in directly front of me. and there's one particular thing that REALLY pisses me off, and that is drivers trying to cut queue. picture this. there's a T-junction made by braddell and bishan roads. braddell road is the horizontal part, bishan road is the vertical part. there are 3 lanes on bishan road, all right-turning (the left-turning part splits off a bit earlier). the rightmost lane of the right-turning lanes eventually leads to lornie road, which i take to go to school. so like the nice citizen that i am, i'll wait in the right lane at the traffic light at the intersection, so that i can turn right, keep right and go up on lornie road without any fuss. now the thing is, some smart driver will think of cutting the queue. they'll wait in the middle lane, then try to filter right after the turn. i get SO SO mad when that happens. what makes their time more valuable than anyone else's!? i usually don't give way (especially if they don't signal), and even speed up to cut them off sometimes. granted, i'm driving a 1.6L car, so i'm not always successful. makes my day when i do succeed, though. in the event i don't make it, i normally try to speed up until i'm beside them later (the road widens out a bit) and flip them off. don't know (and don't really care) if they can see me, but it makes me feel better. a similar thing happens on holland road towards farrer road as i'm coming back from school. maybe i should tune my schedule even more, so that i drive when the roads are even emptier. less cars means less chance of meeting a moron driver.

you know, i've been SO, SO tempted to carry some chemical that i can spray on such moron drivers' cars. something that'll make the cars smell, or something that will eat through the paint, or something that will stain and never wash off. i already have ideas in my head for chemicals that will fulfill each of those roles. see? it's a bad idea to piss a chemist off.

on the judo front, nothing's new. i'm still suspended. went down to watch the adidas all comers competition today. for some reason, my first impression was "all corners" instead. anyway. the competition overran. like REALLY overran. four hours kind of overran. don't know what went wrong, since i wasn't there for the majority of the day. but based on what i saw, there was really no atmosphere of importance at the competition. as much as i am reluctant/embarrassed to say this next thing, it felt almost kampong-like. even national schools felt like a bigger event, and this thing is international, mind you. don't know if it's poor planning or what, but somehow, i was actually thankful not to be refereeing for this particular competition. then again, that might just be the sour grapes. i don't know. singapore did ok-ishly; got a few medals. wasn't really paying attention, though, as i was focused more on the referees. they've still got some way to go, i think. and after some thought and discussion, i've come up with an action plan. since i'm being hung in limbo regarding my referee status, i figure i'm more or less on a lifetime ban anyway. so if the situation doesn't improve by national schools next year, i'm thinking of rocking the boat quite a bit. the impact might actually mean that i can't referee in singapore any more. but then again, who says refereeing is only confined to singapore?

don't get me wrong, i strongly believe in "actions have consequences", as my sec 2 maths teacher taught us. but in this case, the magnitude of the consequence is way way disproportionate to the action. if they had given me a clear timeframe, like 3 months or 3 events, i'd have accepted it quietly and not made a fuss (unless even that was unreasonable). it's the not knowing that's bugging the hell out of me. and another thing is, i'll definitely raise hell if they consider me as inactive during this period and revoke my referee license (there's an annual quota of seminars and events to attend...i think i'm good for this year). i mean, if they don't let me referee, then turn around and say that i haven't been refereeing and should be penalized for that, that's just unreasonable. but i still have some faith that they are reasonable people. hope i won't be proven wrong.

-random thought of the day: Going to the airport at 6:00am!-

Don't you love unexpected surprises? for once, i don't really mean it sarcastically. granted, we had a(n unpleasant) surprise, but here's what happened. uncharacteristically, i was in school at 8:50am this morning. i had to attend a TA discussion session at 10:00am, so i'd thought that i'd go in a little earlier and do some stuff, like check on my reactions, add some more dry ice...that sort of routine work. at about 9:10am, my professor whatsapped to say that there would be an unscheduled (aka. surprise) inspection in other lab. i rushed over, and was only like 2 minutes ahead of the inspection team. to my immense relief, one of the new grad students was in lab early, and he had helped to tidy up. after a bit more straightening up, we managed to tank most of the questions, and i think any findings will be minor. at least i hope that they'll be minor. on a tangent, the nice lecturer brought cupcakes as a treat for us, so that's something else to be happy/grateful about. maybe he felt guilty holding the meeting so early?

now, it's really not often that i am in school this early. given my normal working hours, there would have been no way i would have made it to school in time to fend the safety people off. therefore, i can only conclude that luck/fate/someone/something was really looking out for me today. who/whatever it was, thank you. it's seriously an amazing case of good timing. with any luck, those safety people won't pull similar stunts again.

on the other hand, one of my friend's (friends'?) luck wasn't as good today. well, he's not really a friend. more like an acquaintance. he was in the neighbouring class in JC, and we took chem S-paper together. don't think he remembers me, though. anyway. he's a teacher, and we have a few mutual friends in NIE. so what happened was that he posted something poking fun at his students, something about mcdonald's job application forms. and as luck would have it, the post got picked up by temasek review, and got shared through their facebook. naturally, it attracted all the wrong kinds of publicity. i think he's since taken down the posts, and written a public apology. in his defence though, he didn't release the student's name, and more importantly, the student really did give a ridiculously stupid answer! the question was, "lithium, sodium and potassium are group I elements. what is the name given to these elements?" the answer, by the way, is "alkali metals". i for one, can't believe that the student answered "blood cells". seriously? BLOOD CELLS on the periodic table!?? no matter how i look at it, i can't make the connection. even if it was a guess, how about something smarter? there is like literally zero connection between the question and the answer. the only possible way the answer could remotely have been "blood cells" was if the question read, "where in our body can we find these elements?", which looks significantly different from the original question. even then, i don't think we have lithium in our bodies, but oh well.

to me, the whole thing is a bit overkill. i'm not saying that he's right, though. teachers have to be careful about what they say on public platforms when their students are involved. perhaps this would have been best done as chit-chat in the staff room, or shared in a private whatsapp group, or maybe shown to trustworthy friends over dinner. i think that's one area where being a private tutor wins out over being a teacher...since there is no regulatory body, tutors don't have to watch their words that closely. like, i can probably say that one of my students is a moron and get away with it. and maybe if i were to do something similar, but with the homework that i assigned, the backlash probably wouldn't be as severe. teachers are held up to higher standards, because they're civil servants, and are responsible for nurturing and shaping the students' minds and all that stuff. so on that end, perhaps he was a bit insensitive.

although if i were the student and my teacher did something like that with my homework, i probably wouldn't mind. after all, my name wasn't disclosed, and it really was quite a funny answer. might also be because i was from a boys' school, and the teachers knew that we could take this kind of jokes. it would blow over after a week at most, and after the class at the soonest. no big deal. but well, times have changed.

i do wonder, though, who tipped the temasek review people off? not sure about that guy's privacy/security settings, but it seems that one of his friends, or maybe friends of friends, saw the post and felt offended somehow. beats me as to why that might be the case, but that's the only logical explanation. wonder if any of my friends would do something similar to me if i did something like that? i really hope not.

being in school for 12 hours is taking its toll. seems like no matter what time i reach school, i'll never leave while the sun is in the sky. so if ending time is independent of starting time, i should just go late right? sounds good to me. have to work up and column a few reactions, plus see if step 1 in my first 100% self-made synthesis route is successful. goodness knows i need that morale boost, after yet another round of reactions with 0% ee.

-random thought of the day: Amazon retail therapy is good for the soul.-

Got an update on the judo situation. based on some email correspondence, it looks like i will be dropped from the national team. i'm actually kind of relieved. since the SJF is focusing on 2 kata, both of which already have their respective specialists, and in none of which i'm specializing. odds of me representing singapore in kata anytime soon are close to zero. so i guess my dropping from the team doesn't really affect things much.

national day (or as i called it this year, saturday) passed without much fanfare on my end. that's largely because i slept in until 12:30pm after spending the previous night/early morning drinking and singing. was quite good stress relief, actually. should do this more often. one of my friends, who plans on converting his phd study to masters, read some of the previous posts and told me to consider it and take action quickly, because the conversion process takes about half a year. i don't know. if i had to give a physical measure, i'd say i'm about 15% for quitting. well, i'll just see how things go until QE, as planned.

the semester has started. thankfully, i only have one module and TA duty, both of which fall on monday. the drug module is kind of interesting. i like the lecturer's teaching style. thankfully, he's a nicer lecturer than he is a supervisor. and despite him having studied and worked for a fair bit of time in the US, his korean accent is still very strong. hopefully this will be a fun experience. as for TA, this will probably be my last semester doing that, since i'll have fulfilled my quota, and my professor doesn't approve of activities which reduce your time for research. i'm taking FST kids this semester, which is a little wasted, i think. i'd much rather be teaching chem majors. but since that's how things fell into place, i guess i'll have to adapt and find examples that tie the experiments to the FST stuff.

received a nice surprise in my email, too. after writing in to the parking people, who then forwarded my email to NUS, the final outcome is that they decided to give me season parking at science this semester. 1 out of 3 semesters isn't too bad, i guess. so i'm basically good to go for this semester. just have to adjust my biological clock a little, and keep more human-like hours.

-random thought of the day: R.I.P. Robin Williams.-

When making a purchase, i normally try to balance price and quality. like, i won't buy something cheap if it's (too) poorly-made. conversely, i don't mind paying a little extra for something that's guaranteed to last. usually, i'm not far off the mark, and end up saving bits here and there. however, there's one item which i feel that i'm losing at both ends, and that's iphone cables. the apple store sells the 1m version for $28, while the mobile kiosk thing at level 4 of J8 sells one for $12 or so, with the option for discount if you buy a few. initially, i thought that the original ones by apple would be of better quality than the third-party ones, but reviews on the apple site shows that that isn't the case. so maybe i chose the least sucky of the alternatives, after all. still, it's not funny. the cables last me a couple of weeks on average. granted that i use them daily, but still! it's too short a time. the original cable lasted for a couple of months, and that was the best cable i had. wonder if apple does this on purpose? make an accessory that needs constant replacing, and price it ridiculously expensively. considering i've seen cables go for as cheap as $3, they must be raking in the money. despite how my previous phones don't match up to the iphone's performance, i've never had a problem with the chargers. and if your phone can't be charged, i suppose it doesn't really matter how advanced it is, right? looks like i have no choice but to pick up a few more cables tomorrow morning, along with my dry-cleaning.

if you can read/understand yesterday's post, good for you! your japanese is somewhat decent. if you can't, the main point (other than me whining a fair bit) is that people shouldn't do things that make them unhappy. let's push the school issue aside for now, since i more or less am fixed on a plan of action there. as you might know, the other issue is judo. it's complicated enough to be further broken down into 2 aspects - national referee, and national athlete. the referee bit is messy due to the macau trip. maybe going wasn't such a good idea after all. though i don't know the specifics, it seems that something big and ugly is headed my way soon. and as for national athlete, i don't know. the requirements are, by my own admission, quite easy to fulfill. three training sessions a week, plus one national training session a month. thing is, national training falls on saturday, and overlaps with group meeting. and i've mentioned my professor's views on missing group meeting before, right? even the 3 sessions a week thing is hard to keep. considering that i have no results to show for in the lab, going off for training doesn't feel right.

let's do some objective assessment/evaluation. maybe that will help put some perspective on things, and lessen this odd cloud of gloom and doom that i've been feeling. i think it's good to start with the usual question: what's the worst that could happen? in order of decreasing severity, let's start with...

ban from judo. likelihood: 0-5%. i believe bans are meted out for REALLY serious things, like say, embezzlement, corruption, match-fixing, or stuff that would result in legal action having to be taken. the way i see it, nothing i did was serious enough to warrant such action, so i think this is more likely just a product of me overthinking.

suspension/delayed promotion (referee). likelihood: 50%. in conversation with someone a while ago, i learnt the word "punitive". the root word is actually "punish", and not "pun" or "puny" like i'd initially guessed. it's an apt word to describe the management style, so i don't think i'm going to get out of this unscathed. this would suck because it might delay or even prevent me from getting continental/international referee qualifications. but well...i'm remaining optimistic here. if all goes well, it'll just be a suspension for a few events, maybe the remainder of the year. actually no. if all goes well, there'd be no action taken. but what are my odds? i just worry that the impression forms, and they "by left" delay my promotion. guess we'll have to wait and see. the most obvious indicator would be if a new B referee gets promoted before me.

revocation of coaching license. likelihood: 0-15%. while i don't see how coaching has anything to do with refereeing or competing, i can't say the same for other people. the most probable reason i can think of is because i'm not a good enough role model for students to follow or something like that. but to me, it's separate enough that it shouldn't even come into the picture. not to mention that most people don't know that i'm a certified coach.

downgrade of carding level/de-carding (national athlete). likelihood: 40-70%. someone told me earlier tonight that going to macau contravenes the athlete's code of conduct, apparently. like seriously? ok. i read through the thing again, and it says that the athlete agrees/is expected to "refrain from participating in any competition that is not under the policy of the NSA and SSC, unless both grant approval". this is kind of open to interpretation. strictly speaking, i DID participate in a competition...but as a referee, not an athlete. since it's the *athlete* agreement and code of conduct, i think the most reasonable interpretation of "participating" would/should be "competing". so i'm not sure if that can be used against me. there is another section there about regular updates that probably applies, so i'm not too sure on that front. but actually, i've been thinking. getting dropped from carding might not be such a bad thing after all. for one, it would relieve the pressure of having to attend compulsory training, monthly attendance submissions etc etc, and it would probably lead to less conflict in the long run. so why am i trying to cling on to it in the first place? it doesn't really give benefits, and i don't really use the benefits that it gives. in fact, to my current knowledge, there are only 2 benefits - (1) free sports medicine consultation, physio, and rehab, all of which which requires going down to mountbatten. (2) some cash ($300) every year. or was it half-year? i won't die without that money. add a couple of zeroes and that'd be a whole different issue. i'd probably quit school and turn professional! but jokes aside, there really isn't much (tangible) benefit to being a carded athlete. of course, getting a chance to represent singapore (and the bragging rights) is not insignificant, but given the current situation, the only way my partner and i can dream of representing singapore in kata is if the top two pairs simultaneously can't make it for a competition. and even then, i don't dare say we can match their level. and you know how this whole national athlete thing clashes with my professor's expectations. so...i don't know. it might be for the better if i was dropped. take it as it comes, i guess.

refereeing penalty. likelihood: 20-30%. examples include refereeing for free for some time, or being skipped in consideration for overseas refereeing opportunities. this is the most win-win outcome, i think. the committee has some tangible/physical method of punishing me, and i get to continue practising as a referee. i wonder what timeframe they consider as acceptable though...half a year? 3 events? or maybe they'll say referee national schools for free. i might actually feel that, since it's for 6 days. but well, i suppose i can't complain if that's all they do to me. best if they confine me to local events for a while. with my lab commitments and school starting, i don't think i'll be travelling anytime soon, anyway.

verbal/written warning. likelihood: 10-15%. while this would be the best (read: least damaging) outcome, it's also the most unlikely realistic outcome to happen. the only way i think this might even remotely happen is if the referee director really sticks his neck out for me, like maybe assure them of my good conduct, or bind me to an agreement that says i'll really be screwed if something of a similar nature happens again. i can't expect him to do that for me though. even though we're friends, our friendship isn't at such a level yet.

all things considered, it doesn't look that bad now that i've laid everything out for analysis. i can probably work with the worst-case scenario (which will not be a ban), and if i can work with that, i can work with the other less severe options. all that remains now is to see when the verdict will come, or if they want me to go down for any sort of hearing. hopefully it gets resolved ASAP. at least that'll be one thing off my mind.

well i'm feeling better. hopefully the past few days of negativity were caused by my male PMS acting up again. i actually feel a bit better now. you know what would help even more? if i got some ee from the most recent round of optimization. but i don't want to set myself up for disappointment. well, after this, there's only one more thing i can think of to change, then i'll have to switch direction if it doesn't work. well... let's see.

-random thought of the day: It's always darkest before the dawn.-

英語でポストを始めるアイディアがないので、日本語で書いてみようと思う。何ヶ月日本語を書いていないので、まだ慣れていない。もう少し書けば、段々慣れるだろう。日本語5を合格したが、よく使わなくて、もっと下手になった。文法はきっと大丈夫だが、言葉をよく忘れてしまった。年末にJLPTを受けたいのに…今から勉強を始めたらいいね?

最近、研究はいい成績がない。実は、前の1年に、いい成績は1つしかない。だから、ストレスレベルが上がっている。教授のせいか、私のせいか、はっきりわからない。2人ともどこか間違いがあるかもしれない。QEの前に記事が出られなければ、合格する率はあまり高くない。考えたら、QEに失敗するのは悪くないことかもしれない。本当な気持ちは、研究に興味がなくなっている。いくらやっても、反応ができないし、教授は「どうしてそんなに遅い?」と言っているし、研究以外他に安全についてこともやらなければならないし…大変だ。自分に幸せにさせないことをしないほうがいいだろう? 結局、人生は短くて、やりたくないことをやらないべきだ。究極の目標は日本に住んでいるね? 博士号が要らない。時々諦めたい、時々頑張ろうと思う。どうすればいい?

-random thought of the day: 日本語でブログするのは本当に難しい。-

Although it happened quite a while ago, i haven't really gotten around to talking about it yet. the "it" in this case refers to the MH17 crash somewhere in europe a couple of weeks back. i'm grateful that nobody i know has been personally affected by the crash, but at the same time, it's given me some food for thought. though i don't know the statistics off the top of my head, i recall reading that air travel is actually the safest form of travel, and that the chance of getting struck by lightning is actually 8 times that of getting into a plane crash...or something like that. i guess it's not that hard to believe, considering that major aviation disasters happen like once every few years. and given the hundreds (thousands?) of flights scheduled every day, the accident rate is actually pretty low. furthermore, accidents involving aircraft are usually more serious than those involving land or sea vehicles. for the latter two, there usually isn't a vertical component to the coordinates. for instance, if someone else's car bumped into mine (touch wood), we'd probably pull over to the side of the road, exchange contact and insurance information, take a few photos, and end up relatively unharmed. even if a car hit a bus, the passengers would only be a metre off the ground at most, making disembarkation easy. not so much for air travel. after all, you can't alight while the plane is in the sky. to even deploy the safety slides and whatnot, the pilot has to land the plane, and depending on the reason, it might be a crash landing, which already poses more risk than stopping a land vehicle. and there's a chance that the landing has to be done in water as well, leading to a whole other set of complications. also, i'm sure it goes without saying that even a minor midair collision between two aircraft is pretty bad, both because of their mass, and because it happened in the air. all things considered, it actually is quite scary, and i'll admit to having a tiny minor bit of doubt on the return flight from macau. but i figure that as long as i choose the carrier wisely, and only fly over peaceful lands, my risk is minimized.

but enough sciency stuff like numbers and statistics. it got me thinking on a different aspect, that tomorrow isn't guaranteed. so there's really not much point to live each day unhappily, right? yet, that's what a fair number of us are doing. that actually ties in to my main point, which is that somehow, i think that research may not be right for me. might be because i haven't been seeing any positive results, or maybe the hours are finally taking their toll...i don't know. long story short, it's getting tiring. is a phd degree really worth selling most of my nights, half my saturdays, and even some sundays? i'm not so sure. nobel prizes in chemistry have been won by non-doctors too (though admittedly, the occurrence is rare). on the other hand, quitting seems so...not good. could be a singaporean thing. and practically, i could use the money. maybe i'll keep trying until QE. if they fail me or drop me to graduating with masters, so be it i guess. that might actually catalyze plan japan! and even if i somehow manage to pass QE and get my degree eventually, i don't think i'll continue with research. it seems so...not worthwhile, like the returns don't justify the investment. but this is coming from unpublished me, so my perspective isn't exactly neutral. well...i'll leave this one to fate. have to admit though, something deep down is telling me to just quit and go to japan.

let me just pause for a bit and sidetrack. though i don't say it much in person, i really am grateful for my friends. just this thursday, we had a rather last-minute guild house dinner, and somehow, i came under interrogation for a bit. it still feels kind of weird to talk about this kind of quite personal stuff, but i'm trying. although it seems like i'm reluctant to disclose stuff, i really don't mind talking about it. just that it's a bit hard to force the answers out of my mouth. i'm both slightly relieved/amused and slightly terrified that one of my friends was perceptive enough to pick up on my odd/weird inability to lie in japanese. could be bad for my health if other people got to know about it. but i trust these guys. i think i may have to let one more guy know about this personal thing on our guild house trip this coming friday, then everyone on that group of friends that i think needs to know will know. wow that was a messy sentence. and of course, i'm not mentioning that personal thing here. sorry. maybe in a few years, but not now.

seems like i'm starting my posts too late, and to make it worse, i get horribly distracted while blogging. it's like 1:30am now, and i should really be going to bed. the new grad students will officially start tomorrow, so i've got to do a mini lab orientation in the late morning/early afternoon. and my season parking ballot failed again. third consecutive semester. i've written in already, hope that they can make an exception or something. oh. i'll most likely be taking drugs next semester. and by "drugs" i mean the module on drug discovery. the other choices all look so bleh. i've heard that it's quite intensive, but hopefully i'll be able to manage as it's the only module i'm taking this sem, and my last module overall.

-random thought of the day: Not looking forward to Wednesday.-

The past few days' experiences are what i imagine walking through a minefield blindfolded would feel like. i've been getting hit from all sides by all sorts of arrows, and not just on the school front. but before we delve deeper there, let me just summarize the macau trip.

day 2 of refereeing (day 4 overall) went better than the previous day. i got more bouts as the main referee! wonder if the organizers read my mind. there were a couple of things that went not-so well, though. one being i got into my first-ever golden score since the implementation of the 2014 rules. it was eventually settled by shido, as one of the contestants kept grabbing his opponent's belt. i felt that the other guy should have got the shido though, since he wasn't attacking as much or as aggressively. but well. majority of 3 rule. that was the only bout i had trouble with, i think. should probably have given shidos during normal contest time.

there was a farewell party after that, and i met a new more big names. it's good to build contacts, i think. each country had to sing a song on karaoke. since it was macau, the choice of english and japanese songs were limited. we ended up with "my heart will go on". since i had had a bit to drink, it was a bit easier to put on a show for the audience. all in good fun, right? just hope videos don't appear on youtube.

speaking of videos, a video of my refereeing was uploaded to youtube. it's a rare chance for me to see myself in action. somehow, my actual performance doesn't match up to the mental picture i had of myself performing, if that made any sense. my main areas of improvement are that i could hold my gestures for (even) longer, and generally move with more grace (a few of my movements still looked clunky). still far far away from international referee standard. but hey, there's still a lot of time to practise and get up there.

some of the kids and i went to venetian after the farewell party. it's basically a HUGE hotel/casino/shopping arcade. got a bit lost, because the taxis dropped us off at different points. so we had to kind of play around with the 2 groups of people, sending scout teams and messengers until we eventually linked up. was way more trouble than necessary, especially considering that if something like that happened in singapore, a simple phone call would have resolved everything. limitations of being abroad and being too poor (or stingy) for roaming, i guess. venetian itself was amazing! it's kind of like that place in daiba...aqua mall or something. it's fully indoors, and they use artificial lighting to simulate different times of the day. there were canals with gondolas too, but since it was after-hours, we didn't really get to ride them. walked through the casino, too. maybe i should have placed a small bet, since i came back with MOP100 left over. incidentally, i'm still wondering why the abbreviation for macau currency is MOP.

the last day was mainly spent packing, souvenir shopping, and leaving for the airport, and subsequently, singapore. you know, i think i know how to judge how good of a time i had on any given trip. there are 2 questions i'll ask myself after the trip, first being "how much do i want to come back to singapore?" and second, "how much would i have liked to extend my stay in the other country?" based on my answers, i can normally get an objective view of how much i enjoyed myself. for macau, i actually missed singapore more than if i had been in japan. probably it's the language barrier. and for some reason, i didn't really want to extend my stay there. think it's because the streets just felt a little too rustic for my liking.

it's friday now, and i'm more or less reconciled with the idea of being back in singapore and in the lab. been busy the past few days, working up 10 reactions and running 10 columns. i'll admit, it wasn't easy, especially with 2 major bombs. but now that 1 bomb has been cleared, things are kind of looking up. the cleared bomb refers to the SCDF check. i was horribly annoyed yesterday because the lab tech in charge of my labs housekeeping came by THRICE in the span of 2 hours to check on the lab's condition. and this was after i assured her i'd get it done by 8:30am today. and i delivered! even though it meant that i overnighted in school again, but still. i think it was just bad timing. i knew about the check, and was preoccupied by another bomb, and she just had to come in and add to my pressure. i actually felt like shouting at her and telling her to back off. but that hurts relationships. thank goodness i'm no longer an angry teenager. in the end, the check went smoothly. the SCDF personnel didn't go as in-depth as i was led to believe. think she was trying to scare us into cleaning the lab up properly. well now i know.

compared to the second bomb, this safety check was almost nothing. just one day after i got back, the referee director whatsapped me. the conversation started off innocently enough, usual exchange of pleasantries, asking about the refereeing trip. i started to smell a rat when he insisted on to meet me the very next day, even volunteering to come down to NUS, despite me telling him that i'd be tied up in lab. true to my suspicions, he told me that the SJF was unhappy that i had gone to macau without informing them beforehand. now here's where things get a little fuzzy. on one hand, the organizers sent a personal invitation to me, and not through the federation. that means that by right, i shouldn't have to be answerable to them at all. but from their point of view, it's an asia-level event, and since they're the governing body of judo in singapore, i think that they would have appreciated having a say in the matter, or at least being informed. i can't really argue that last point. perhaps i should have told them. but what if they refused to let me go? that would have raised a whole new bunch of issues, and was actually the primary reason i decided to just go ahead. the outcome of this is that i'm temporarily suspended from refereeing until at least next month, when the issue will be brought up at the management committee meeting. going by the calendar of events, that means i'll miss out on at least 1 event, namely the competition this coming monday (i can't remember what it's called), and maybe the adidas open next month.

you know, this is just the latest in a series of things that's making me upset with the SJF management. *DISCLAIMER: i don't like politics and am on nobody's side. i only side those who are actively trying to promote judo in singapore* first off, they cancelled kata for the SEA games next year. with that, it basically means that kata athletes have no big goal to work towards. and despite that, they still want kata athletes to attend national training. i actually see the sense in this, because even kata people need to keep fit. but i have to admit, it does us little good. there's no national kata coach. to put it bluntly, nobody qualifies. so unless we get someone from japan, all we can do is try and help each other improve...though it's hard especially when our knowledge is limited in itself.

second: they're emphasizing on shiai. it's a possible/valid path, but when the rest of the world is moving towards kata, it seems like we're headed for a crash-landing somewhere. this path would have been fine 20 or 30 years ago. not so much today. but if that's what the leadership decides, then they can go for it.

as for the refereeing thing, i didn't go to macau to show my defiance or to make a statement. i went with one goal in mind: to bring knowledge and experience back so that i can help raise the standard of refereeing in singapore, and on a more selfish note, to make some contacts in the refereeing scene. so that's actually two goals. before this trip, i thought i was pretty good, maybe ready for continental referee. but it was only after climbing out of the proverbial well that i realized that the international standard is SO much higher! if i'm one of the better referees in singapore (big if), then our standard is really quite bad on the global scale. it's not the referee director's fault; he tries to conduct seminars and refreshers regularly. it's just that we don't have any international referees on the scene...not any more, anyway. and the suspension? i feel it's uncalled for. just because i went overseas, it doesn't make me unfit to referee, or downgrade my refereeing ability in any way. if anything, it should have boosted my ability! and it's not like my refereeing is affected while this issue is in limbo, is it? to me, a more sensible "punishment" would be like refereeing a certain number of events for free. and to top it off, i hear that they're short of referees this coming event. sounds like they're cutting off the nose to spite the face to me, but it's their decision. i clarified with the referee director. i'm allowed to go as a spectator. so i guess i'll go and see how shorthanded they really are. of course, i'm not deluded enough to believe that i'm indispensable. i'm confident that the referee director will find a way to make it through. just wish that i could help him though...

even though i say that i don't want a part in politics, i somehow end up getting caught in the games. i'll be frank...i believe i'm not popular among the committee. and i disagree with a few of their policies. maybe that's why. although i "officially" didn't do anything wrong, and thus should not be subject to any official punishment, there's still the "by left" way of making life difficult for me. like referee promotion and dan grading. in fact, i was informed that my SJF A promotion had been turned down even before the whole macau thing. i personally feel that i should have been promoted a while ago, because i dare say that i'm on par with some of the existing SJF A referees. but well. sometimes, things don't go your way.

to summarize the message that the referee director gave me, it's "suck it up and keep on coming back". i agree. that's one of the best things to do, because if you give up, they win. at the same time, though, there is a limit. sometimes you hack and hack and hack away at something, but you don't see any improvement. like imagine...if my SJF A doesn't come in the next 1 to 2 years maximum, i am seriously going to make some noise. it's not even about the money; i make more from one day of research than one day of refereeing. i would even referee for free if asked! it's the fact that SJF A is a step closer to continental, and then international, which is my eventual goal.

i guess the main reason for my displeasure can be summed up in one sentence. the management doesn't know how to treat and engage its people. they want to draw lines, like "i'm the boss and you're the minion". that doesn't make for a good relationship, i feel, especially when all of us are here by choice. but well. it's just a different leadership style i guess, though it's one that i feel less comfortable with and think that it's not as effective. well...we'll see what happens in the next few years.

pretty sure there's something else, but i really can't think any more. my turn to present at group meeting tomorrow, so that's something else to dread. meanwhile, i think i'll end off here. there's always the next post, right?

-random thought of the day: Aviation!-