Now, on to the main body of my year-end post. to recap, the 2 drafts were posted in a separate post just before this one, so scroll down if you want to check them out.
despite the negative tone of the relationship towards the end, my theme for this year is "it is better to have loved and lost". i'm sure you know (or can google) the second half of that quote, so i'll just leave it at that. the reason i chose this theme is because even though our relationship didn't work out in the end, it did help me to understand myself better. apparently, i'm not desperate for love to the point of being completely accommodating/submissive to please my partner. and i shouldn't be. in fact, nobody should be. perhaps this is what some of my friends meant when they cautioned me not to forget myself for the sake of the relationship. but yes, i am now much clearer on what i can compromise and how much i can compromise, which is a win in my book as it's a learning experience. having said that, this entire relationship experience has also shown me that there are indeed areas that i have to work on, so that i can be a better partner for someone in the future. perhaps i am too hot-tempered. and perhaps i would have better luck in relationships if i was in better shape. that's why i'm not actively looking for a relationship until i reach a state of self-acceptance. whether that's through getting fitter or through growing a thick enough skin to no longer give a damn, i don't know. let's just see how that goes next year.
right now, i am still unsure about how i feel towards the ex. it ranges from neutral to negative, actually. there are days where i believe that they were giving the relationship their best, in terms of trying to accept me and working towards "convincing themself" to take things to the next level. and yet, there are also days where i am more inclined to think that they were just bearing with me to avoid being the "villain" who wanted to stop dating both times, or to keep me around because i was convenient, or whatever the case may be. the more i think about it, the more i wonder how serious they were about the whole thing, because i know that they still kept dating (hookup) apps on their phone while we were going out. since i don't have proof, i will choose to believe that no cheating took place. on my part, i didn't cheat either, though i will admit to gradually checking out mentally over the few months towards the end. i guess that right now, i don't really have anything else to say to the ex...nothing that would really make a difference by now, anyway. for the record, i did love them. pity that it wasn't reciprocated.
aside from that, this year has been...generally ok. i can't exactly say that it's been a good year, nor can i say that it's been all that bad. perhaps it was just one of those years that are just...there. the bulk of it was occupied with research, which i'm sad to say, did not progress as smoothly as i'd hoped. i suppose this is another learning point, that research and me don't get along too well. in fact, most (or maybe it's all) of the chemistry guys don't have plans to continue in academia. looking through a random selection of posts made over the past year, it seems that i've been rather negative overall. also, last year and this year have been two consecutive years of record-low post counts. while i doubt that i'll be shutting down the blog anytime soon, maybe it's just the trend. or maybe my post count will go up next year, when i should have more free time.
in terms of personal connections, i am happy that the chemistry guys are still close. we still hang out somewhat regularly, though some of us more so than others. wonder how that will change, since most of us will be leaving NUS within the next few months. i also had a rare meetup with chemical engineer cousin and her husband, who were in singapore for a business trip. i enjoyed my interaction with them, and fully intend on taking up their offer to put up at their place in perth next year. but i should probably save that, and other travel plans, for tomorrow's post.
to sum things up, 2017 doesn't really hold many pleasant memories for me. actually, that goes for unpleasant memories too. overall, i guess the unpleasant memories slightly win out, only because they're larger in magnitude. having said that, i am still grateful that i've made it through another year in good health, with no major problems, and in a slightly better state than last year. if there was one day out of the 365 that i'd choose to repeat, it would probably be hanging out with chemical engineer cousin and my cousin-in-law, or maybe any of the 4 full days in bali. with any luck, next year will be better, but i'll save discussing that for tomorrow.
despite the negative tone of the relationship towards the end, my theme for this year is "it is better to have loved and lost". i'm sure you know (or can google) the second half of that quote, so i'll just leave it at that. the reason i chose this theme is because even though our relationship didn't work out in the end, it did help me to understand myself better. apparently, i'm not desperate for love to the point of being completely accommodating/submissive to please my partner. and i shouldn't be. in fact, nobody should be. perhaps this is what some of my friends meant when they cautioned me not to forget myself for the sake of the relationship. but yes, i am now much clearer on what i can compromise and how much i can compromise, which is a win in my book as it's a learning experience. having said that, this entire relationship experience has also shown me that there are indeed areas that i have to work on, so that i can be a better partner for someone in the future. perhaps i am too hot-tempered. and perhaps i would have better luck in relationships if i was in better shape. that's why i'm not actively looking for a relationship until i reach a state of self-acceptance. whether that's through getting fitter or through growing a thick enough skin to no longer give a damn, i don't know. let's just see how that goes next year.
right now, i am still unsure about how i feel towards the ex. it ranges from neutral to negative, actually. there are days where i believe that they were giving the relationship their best, in terms of trying to accept me and working towards "convincing themself" to take things to the next level. and yet, there are also days where i am more inclined to think that they were just bearing with me to avoid being the "villain" who wanted to stop dating both times, or to keep me around because i was convenient, or whatever the case may be. the more i think about it, the more i wonder how serious they were about the whole thing, because i know that they still kept dating (hookup) apps on their phone while we were going out. since i don't have proof, i will choose to believe that no cheating took place. on my part, i didn't cheat either, though i will admit to gradually checking out mentally over the few months towards the end. i guess that right now, i don't really have anything else to say to the ex...nothing that would really make a difference by now, anyway. for the record, i did love them. pity that it wasn't reciprocated.
aside from that, this year has been...generally ok. i can't exactly say that it's been a good year, nor can i say that it's been all that bad. perhaps it was just one of those years that are just...there. the bulk of it was occupied with research, which i'm sad to say, did not progress as smoothly as i'd hoped. i suppose this is another learning point, that research and me don't get along too well. in fact, most (or maybe it's all) of the chemistry guys don't have plans to continue in academia. looking through a random selection of posts made over the past year, it seems that i've been rather negative overall. also, last year and this year have been two consecutive years of record-low post counts. while i doubt that i'll be shutting down the blog anytime soon, maybe it's just the trend. or maybe my post count will go up next year, when i should have more free time.
in terms of personal connections, i am happy that the chemistry guys are still close. we still hang out somewhat regularly, though some of us more so than others. wonder how that will change, since most of us will be leaving NUS within the next few months. i also had a rare meetup with chemical engineer cousin and her husband, who were in singapore for a business trip. i enjoyed my interaction with them, and fully intend on taking up their offer to put up at their place in perth next year. but i should probably save that, and other travel plans, for tomorrow's post.
to sum things up, 2017 doesn't really hold many pleasant memories for me. actually, that goes for unpleasant memories too. overall, i guess the unpleasant memories slightly win out, only because they're larger in magnitude. having said that, i am still grateful that i've made it through another year in good health, with no major problems, and in a slightly better state than last year. if there was one day out of the 365 that i'd choose to repeat, it would probably be hanging out with chemical engineer cousin and my cousin-in-law, or maybe any of the 4 full days in bali. with any luck, next year will be better, but i'll save discussing that for tomorrow.
-random thought of the day: Stay positive.-
1 comment:
I'm so touched! Hope we can create some fun memories in Perth in the not too distant future! ☺
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