Unpleasant thoughts assailed me as i was parking the car after work today, so the plan is to exorcise them in my usual way, ie. by blogging about them. before all that, there was a nice interaction/conversation yesterday with my colleague (who's also my friend's wife). considering that our teaching portfolios don't overlap at all, she was surprisingly updated about the challenges i faced at work. apparently it's because her husband still visits here now and then for updates. so thank you J for being concerned enough to check in with me! either that, or you're too kaypoh. no, i'm kidding, and i'm grateful that you think of me every so often.
first unpleasant thought: have you heard of the term "hikikomori"? it's a japanese word used to describe recluses, ie. people who isolate themselves from society for some reason. in the extreme case, they can stay locked up in their room and only make short trips out to buy necessities like food. the wikipedia article is pretty informative, and you can check it out here. i'm not sure how accurate this is, but my mental image of such a person is (1) male, (2) between 25 to 40 years old, (3) socially awkward, (4) possibly having experienced a traumatic event, like failure in career, love life, or personal goals. the scary thing is, i fit 3 out of the 4 stereotypical signs! if you really want to be strict about it, you can even say that i fit all 4, since i've had a failed relationship. but that's not the most scary thing. the distinction of "most scary thing about this thought" goes to the fact that i can actually see myself doing that. i was talking to my friend last week when i went over to his place to visit, and i was just mentioning that my dislike for crowds and unnecessary social interaction has increased in recent months. he jokingly(?) replied that it wasn't good, and that i was becoming antisocial. according to the wikipedia article, one of the hypothesized causes of hikikomori is that the recluse may think that it's a pointless effort to secure a job in a highly competitive job market because there are many other applicants who are more suitable for the job. doesn't that sound familiar?
although it seems like i'm at pretty high risk or recluse-hood due to factors within me and around me, be assured that i have no intention of shutting myself off from the world at this point. i think that having a job helps, despite it only forcing me to rejoin civilization and interact with people for 2 days a week. based on my own experience, it's good to get out of the house now and then for a change in environment, and having friends who are available to meet up really helps. sure, texting may be more convenient in this day and age, but you can't replace physical presence. a part of it probably has to do with making extra effort for a meet-up. like, i can be dressed however sloppily i want (if at all) and still carry on a text conversation. but if i were to meet someone for dinner, i'd have to shower and put on fresh clothes at the very least, maybe even shave. sometimes, little things like that help to break the recluse "cycle". even popping out for groceries, or a haircut, or to buy food...all these things are good for the mental state. perhaps too much convenience (redmart, foodpanda, deliveroo) isn't the best for everyone.
the other thing that came to mind was about my health and physical state. i'll be honest here, i feel unfit, and i'm not happy with how i look. but you knew that second part already, right? compared to when i was still actively gymming (as recently as december), i've felt a tangible drop in my stamina. i think this thought was triggered by one of the kids in class yesterday, who asked "teacher, why are you so flustered? i can hear your breathing". the thing is, i wasn't even doing any strenuous activity! all i was doing was talking slightly faster than usual because i had time management on my mind. and no, i wasn't feeling breathless or winded or anything. but if i have to breathe hard enough to be audible to the kids just because of TALKING, something is wrong. or maybe i should have replied, "because you still can't write chemical compounds and balance equations properly, and that stresses me out!". thankfully today's kids were easier to manage.
somewhat linked to that thought is also the idea of sustainability. not in terms of environmental conservation, but weight loss. based on data from these past 2 months, it takes the same amount of time to undo any progress made in the gym, and the rate of weight gain or loss is about 1kg/month. i definitely have to keep the gym routine up, because these 2 months have shown that i have difficulty keeping the weight off. i think there are 2 underlying causes behind that, (1) my relationship with food, and (2) the lack of physical activity. #2 is pretty obvious, so i won't say more. but #1 is something that i haven't really wrote about in great detail. perhaps now's a good time to explore my thoughts.
for easy understanding, i'll use a popular expression. there are "eat to live" people, and there are "live to eat" people. if those are two extreme ends of a scale from 1 to 10 respectively, i'd say that i am at 6.5, ie. slightly towards "live to eat". while i don't need to be fed delicacies for every single meal, i will occasionally get cravings for certain foods which may not be the healthiest choice, oyster omelette and chocolate being prime examples here. even then, the cravings are not unmanageable; i can go without, especially if it's too troublesome to procure the item in question. for my food preferences, i'm thankful that i generally don't gravitate towards fried stuff, and that i learned to eat my vegetables. i'm also not fussy, in the sense that i can eat the same food for days on end (provided it tastes decent/good). i'm more critical with restaurant food, though. after all, we're paying for the quality of the ingredients and the chef's skill. but yes. eating healthy is not really a problem if i have the money for groceries and time/discipline for meal prep.
so what's the problem, then? i call it my relationship with food. i think it might have been a consequence of living with my paternal grandparents in my formative years, who (i believe) lived through the war in singapore. due to the harsh living conditions then, they developed a very strong "don't waste" mentality which extended to several things, including food. quick digression: apart from his daily calligraphy sessions and sending me to and from primary school every day, one other thing i remember my paternal grandfather for is mending old umbrellas for his own use. i think we had at least 3 black umbrellas and many more others of different colours. back to food wastage. i was taught from a young age to finish everything on my plate, down to the last grain of rice. my grandfather would say "jit liap bee, jit tang zhui" (translated from hokkien - "a grain of rice, a bucket of water"), which was supposed to illustrate the tremendous investment of effort and resources it took to grow rice, and because of that, we should be grateful and not waste any of it. that upbringing kind of stuck, and unless i'm really full to the point of exploding, i'll try to finish whatever's been given to me even now. that causes problems when there's too much food, example: when i cook and someone buys dinner despite me not wanting it. worse is, the dinner that was bought will usually be carb-heavy, or contain deep-fried items. i think the solution is to either break this particular mental conditioning, or to remove myself from such situations. worst case would be throwing the bought option away, which is an awful waste of money.
moving forward, i think i'll have to exercise mindfulness to resist temptation and stop mindless eating. this includes the measures above, as well as replacing bad snacks with healthier alternatives (eg. fruits instead of chocolate). won't be easy to break this sustained habit, and it might even fail at times. important thing is to keep trying, i guess, and not beat myself up too much for failure. with that in mind, next week is the first week of my return to the gym. i've also got a TCM session scheduled on the same day, which makes me think that i may need to shift gym to the morning. have to do groceries and catch up on my japanese homework, and i'm tentatively meeting the chemistry guys for dinner later in the week. supposed to arrange to go visit my (not-so, by now) newly-born twin niece and nephew, but not sure when's convenient for their parents. and if i can find time, i've also got clothes shopping to do and the watch battery to replace, though those last 2 aren't all that urgent. still, it would be nice to clear them, just for the satisfaction of having been productive. as usual, we'll see how everything plays out.
first unpleasant thought: have you heard of the term "hikikomori"? it's a japanese word used to describe recluses, ie. people who isolate themselves from society for some reason. in the extreme case, they can stay locked up in their room and only make short trips out to buy necessities like food. the wikipedia article is pretty informative, and you can check it out here. i'm not sure how accurate this is, but my mental image of such a person is (1) male, (2) between 25 to 40 years old, (3) socially awkward, (4) possibly having experienced a traumatic event, like failure in career, love life, or personal goals. the scary thing is, i fit 3 out of the 4 stereotypical signs! if you really want to be strict about it, you can even say that i fit all 4, since i've had a failed relationship. but that's not the most scary thing. the distinction of "most scary thing about this thought" goes to the fact that i can actually see myself doing that. i was talking to my friend last week when i went over to his place to visit, and i was just mentioning that my dislike for crowds and unnecessary social interaction has increased in recent months. he jokingly(?) replied that it wasn't good, and that i was becoming antisocial. according to the wikipedia article, one of the hypothesized causes of hikikomori is that the recluse may think that it's a pointless effort to secure a job in a highly competitive job market because there are many other applicants who are more suitable for the job. doesn't that sound familiar?
although it seems like i'm at pretty high risk or recluse-hood due to factors within me and around me, be assured that i have no intention of shutting myself off from the world at this point. i think that having a job helps, despite it only forcing me to rejoin civilization and interact with people for 2 days a week. based on my own experience, it's good to get out of the house now and then for a change in environment, and having friends who are available to meet up really helps. sure, texting may be more convenient in this day and age, but you can't replace physical presence. a part of it probably has to do with making extra effort for a meet-up. like, i can be dressed however sloppily i want (if at all) and still carry on a text conversation. but if i were to meet someone for dinner, i'd have to shower and put on fresh clothes at the very least, maybe even shave. sometimes, little things like that help to break the recluse "cycle". even popping out for groceries, or a haircut, or to buy food...all these things are good for the mental state. perhaps too much convenience (redmart, foodpanda, deliveroo) isn't the best for everyone.
the other thing that came to mind was about my health and physical state. i'll be honest here, i feel unfit, and i'm not happy with how i look. but you knew that second part already, right? compared to when i was still actively gymming (as recently as december), i've felt a tangible drop in my stamina. i think this thought was triggered by one of the kids in class yesterday, who asked "teacher, why are you so flustered? i can hear your breathing". the thing is, i wasn't even doing any strenuous activity! all i was doing was talking slightly faster than usual because i had time management on my mind. and no, i wasn't feeling breathless or winded or anything. but if i have to breathe hard enough to be audible to the kids just because of TALKING, something is wrong. or maybe i should have replied, "because you still can't write chemical compounds and balance equations properly, and that stresses me out!". thankfully today's kids were easier to manage.
somewhat linked to that thought is also the idea of sustainability. not in terms of environmental conservation, but weight loss. based on data from these past 2 months, it takes the same amount of time to undo any progress made in the gym, and the rate of weight gain or loss is about 1kg/month. i definitely have to keep the gym routine up, because these 2 months have shown that i have difficulty keeping the weight off. i think there are 2 underlying causes behind that, (1) my relationship with food, and (2) the lack of physical activity. #2 is pretty obvious, so i won't say more. but #1 is something that i haven't really wrote about in great detail. perhaps now's a good time to explore my thoughts.
for easy understanding, i'll use a popular expression. there are "eat to live" people, and there are "live to eat" people. if those are two extreme ends of a scale from 1 to 10 respectively, i'd say that i am at 6.5, ie. slightly towards "live to eat". while i don't need to be fed delicacies for every single meal, i will occasionally get cravings for certain foods which may not be the healthiest choice, oyster omelette and chocolate being prime examples here. even then, the cravings are not unmanageable; i can go without, especially if it's too troublesome to procure the item in question. for my food preferences, i'm thankful that i generally don't gravitate towards fried stuff, and that i learned to eat my vegetables. i'm also not fussy, in the sense that i can eat the same food for days on end (provided it tastes decent/good). i'm more critical with restaurant food, though. after all, we're paying for the quality of the ingredients and the chef's skill. but yes. eating healthy is not really a problem if i have the money for groceries and time/discipline for meal prep.
so what's the problem, then? i call it my relationship with food. i think it might have been a consequence of living with my paternal grandparents in my formative years, who (i believe) lived through the war in singapore. due to the harsh living conditions then, they developed a very strong "don't waste" mentality which extended to several things, including food. quick digression: apart from his daily calligraphy sessions and sending me to and from primary school every day, one other thing i remember my paternal grandfather for is mending old umbrellas for his own use. i think we had at least 3 black umbrellas and many more others of different colours. back to food wastage. i was taught from a young age to finish everything on my plate, down to the last grain of rice. my grandfather would say "jit liap bee, jit tang zhui" (translated from hokkien - "a grain of rice, a bucket of water"), which was supposed to illustrate the tremendous investment of effort and resources it took to grow rice, and because of that, we should be grateful and not waste any of it. that upbringing kind of stuck, and unless i'm really full to the point of exploding, i'll try to finish whatever's been given to me even now. that causes problems when there's too much food, example: when i cook and someone buys dinner despite me not wanting it. worse is, the dinner that was bought will usually be carb-heavy, or contain deep-fried items. i think the solution is to either break this particular mental conditioning, or to remove myself from such situations. worst case would be throwing the bought option away, which is an awful waste of money.
moving forward, i think i'll have to exercise mindfulness to resist temptation and stop mindless eating. this includes the measures above, as well as replacing bad snacks with healthier alternatives (eg. fruits instead of chocolate). won't be easy to break this sustained habit, and it might even fail at times. important thing is to keep trying, i guess, and not beat myself up too much for failure. with that in mind, next week is the first week of my return to the gym. i've also got a TCM session scheduled on the same day, which makes me think that i may need to shift gym to the morning. have to do groceries and catch up on my japanese homework, and i'm tentatively meeting the chemistry guys for dinner later in the week. supposed to arrange to go visit my (not-so, by now) newly-born twin niece and nephew, but not sure when's convenient for their parents. and if i can find time, i've also got clothes shopping to do and the watch battery to replace, though those last 2 aren't all that urgent. still, it would be nice to clear them, just for the satisfaction of having been productive. as usual, we'll see how everything plays out.
-random thought of the day: Stop procrastinating for homework!-
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