JLPT did not go well. even before the test, i realized that i didn't print out the health declaration that candidates were supposed to submit at the venue. that's how i learnt that anyone can upload documents to a server and print them at a convenience store. cost me 20 yen though. considering that the NUS print shop used to charge 3 or 4 cents a side, 20 cents is a ripoff. but i suppose people will be willing to pay more when they're desperate. i also forgot to bring a watch, so i stopped by a daiso and bought one for 500 yen. good thing i did that; the exam venue didn't have a clock. it was way more reassuring to know how much time had elapsed (and how much time was remaining). pace-wise, i think i did ok. finished my first pass of the questions about 70 minutes in, out of 105 minutes total. that left me about 30 minutes to go back to the blanks and check through everything.

regarding the test itself, i'd say there's a 10-15% chance that i pass. breaking it down by section, i'm pretty sure i'll pass the reading and listening sections, but fail the combined grammar and vocabulary one. failing any section results in an overall fail, by the way, regardless of how well you scored in other areas. the thing i took away (other than the fact that i need a better study plan and way more commitment) is to trust myself more. i had at least 2 questions which i answered correctly at first, but later changed the answers to incorrect options. i'm just hoping that my fail isn't a borderline one that correctly answering those two questions would have resulted in my passing the test. that would be severely annoying.

perspective check! this isn't important, in the long run. my deadline to get JLPT qualification is by the time i leave japan. i have another 2 attempts at taking the test before then. also, this doesn't affect me in any major way, like, i'm not going to lose my job if i don't pass. me failing might not be the worst thing, as i plan to use this as a teachable moment for my kids. i've mentioned before that japanese society believes that failure = bad, so i want to use my actual experience to show them that it's ok to fail, and it's what we do after the failure that's the most important. it happened with my driving license conversion too. i wouldn't say that it's ironic...more like it's appropriate, that i'm learning this lesson over and over again. or maybe i'm just noticing it more because i'm paying attention? at any rate, it's important that i don't forget, considering failing at something i wanted to succeed in put me in a slump that took over a year to recover from. i really have to have multiple exposures to failure from now on. that way, i can internalize this lesson and become more resilient.

for now, i think i need to wind down a little. i'll probably resume studying after i know the results (end-january). in the one-in-a-million chance that i pass, that'll be one less thing on my plate. but i'm not going to place too high hopes there. moderating expectations, being realistic, and all that. in the nearer future though, science videos. or rather, collating questions this time round. will give myself a week to decompress before i let them know that i'm ready to resume work.

-random thought of the day: Half a year till the next test!-