The past 2 days have been...enlightening, to say the least. there are a couple of things that i've had to change my stand on. i'll start by giving a big round-up, and then a final final update of the relationship situation.

there are 4 main characters (me, person i like, "competition", and "advisor"), and a whole host of secondary characters (observers) involved. so what happened was that we met over coffee on 20 december (saturday). i had met "competition" before at a previous coffee thing, but it was the first time meeting the other main characters and most of the secondary characters. we had a good time at coffee and the subsequent dinner, and suddenly we decided to meet again for dinner the very next day. so we did. among the people who went, there was me, "person", and "competition". things were kept friendly, and i think that was when i started at feel a bit more than friendship for "person", because of several qualities, like "person" being nice, sociable, easy to talk to, really really good-looking (i'll admit that at the risk of sounding superficial)...things that draw people in naturally.

a few days later, "advisor" was feeling a bit down, so we met at nex, along with a few other secondary characters, just to give moral support. it was probably then when i thought that "advisor" and i would make good friends, and that i might/could care for "advisor" like a junior. i had made it clear that i only thought of us as friends, but somehow, that message was forgotten later.

fast forward to christmas eve, "person" and "competition" went on a "date". "date" is in quotes because i think only "competition" viewed it as such. anyway, they did some stuff which was a little too intimate for a first date (like sleeping over), even if it was really a date. so, i felt kind of upset, because it seemed like "competition" was closer to "person" than i was. so that explained why i was feeling emo during christmas, because i thought that i had lost my chance with "person" by not being fast enough to ask. looking back, it's already starting to sound so stupid.

then on boxing day, i asked "person" out for dinner, where i kind of did the whole awkward thing...confessing, agreeing to take it slow, be friends first, that whole bunch of stuff. i thought that we had made some headway, though i'll never know for sure now. one thing i know now but not then was that "competition" was jealous that i met "person", to quite an extreme extent. you see, they had been flirting a bit through whatsapp over the past few days, so in "competition's" mind, they were already somewhat unofficially together. on that same night, i also met "advisor" to get another opinion of what was going on and where we all stood on this. i can't remember how exactly the conversation went, but the advice/information that was given then is already irrelevant, so no point trying to recall. i also mentioned to "advisor" that i cared for them. that proved to be a significant plot point later.

next significant event was karaoke sunday, with "competition", "person", and a few other secondary characters again. "competition" made soup for "person", which was the next warning bell for me (the "date" being the first). i mean, with the exception of barbeques and one french toast episode, i have like never cooked anything for my friends, no matter how close they are. the french toast was different, considering i'd known those friends for about...5 years(?) at that time. we still keep in contact, by the way. i have never ever cooked for someone whom i've known for less than a fortnight. i didn't say anything at that time, because i thought that might be overstepping my boundaries. so during karaoke, i thought that i clicked with "person", since we had these little moments/instances of what i thought was mutual connection while singing together. hence, i thought that things were going well. after karaoke, as you know already, i got "competition" alone and asked for their perspective ad status, to which the reply was that i was thinking too much, and everybody was just friends. that's why i decided to make my stand clear and say that i liked "person", and ask for "competition's" understanding. although i didn't know it at that time, "competition" got insanely jealous, to the point of triggering an anxiety attack, which one of the secondary characters helped to manage via whatsapp or SMS or whatever. although i felt kind of bad for putting "competition" through that, i don't exactly regret it. i did what i felt was right/appropriate at that time.

in the days leading up to the chalet, i talked a bit with "advisor", who promised to help mediate between "person" and i, and perhaps help us get closer. also talked to the secondary character who is close to both "competition" and myself. it seems that "person" told "competition" that they should not hold hands at the chalet, triggering another (worse) bout of anxiety, to the point where physical intervention by a whole group of secondary characters was required. so that was (or should have been) another warning bell. instead, i was irrational to the point of trivializing/ignoring it, because i thought that meant that "person" was taking my feelings into account, or favoured me over "competition". such moron, right? i know. don't rub it in.

finally, chalet day. "person" and "competition" were somewhat physically close at the beginning, which irritated me. to be fair, i did get my share of (PG) physical contact and "competition"-less time with "person", which sort of balanced things out. "advisor" and "person" disappeared for a significant length of time, for what i presumed was their talk. i thought that it was odd that they went off alone without me, considering that i was supposed to be part of the equation, but didn't think too much of it. i later learnt that some kissing might or might not have taken place, but by that time, i really couldn't be bothered any more. it happened either before or after "advisor" got severely drunk, i don't remember. all i know is that they got close during their walk/talk, to the extent of sleeping together in the same bed when they got back. more stuff may or may not have happened, i can't say for sure. while drunk, "advisor" screamed "don't touch me!" at me when i was adjusting the lying position. i thought that it was just due to drunkenness and also knowing that "advisor" has issues with someone else, i didn't think too much about it at that time, nor consider that it was really directed at me. big mistake. "advisor" also had a mild fainting spell due to low blood pressure sometime later. being a trained first-aider, i was doing stuff like monitoring pulse, breathing and all that...which i think "advisor" felt was an invasion of privacy, or my attempt to get close/take advantage. granted that nobody save one of the secondary characters knows that i'm a qualified coach and first-aider, i can see how the misunderstanding arose. so the chalet ended, and i messaged "advisor" privately, and it was somehow implied that "person" and "advisor" were feeling things for each other. so, my new year's post was largely my reaction to that piece of news. also, it seems that "advisor" heard that "person" was uncomfortable with how physically close we ("person" and i) were, which i thought was odd, since that never came up in our conversations at all. in fact, "person" still hugged me goodbye as we went our separate ways home after the chalet, hence my odd feeling that something still doesn't add up, and that "person" is not being completely honest.

in the evening, after publishing the new year's day post, i met with a secondary character for dinner. it was then i learnt the full story, that "person" had been manipulating "competition" and myself, and seemed to be starting in on "advisor". i'm not saying this in anger or in the heat of the moment; i do have evidence. for example, "person" told "competition" some time ago that i was more their ("person's") type, making "competition" super jealous. at the same time, my agreement with "person" was "just friends", but with the potential for something more. so perhaps i was stupid in the sense that i tried to push that potential a bit too far, adding on to "competition's" wrong impression. "person" was also more-than-friendly with "competition", which made me jealous too, though with no good reason. after all, we were supposed to be just friends. but then...human emotions. what can i do, right? in fact, i think that "competition" would have liked to so-called stake a claim on "person", get "person" off the market, so to speak. but "person" said to keep whatever they had under wraps. that was like, not even a warning bell any more. should have been a damned warning beacon to me. but i kept hoping that it was one-sided on "competition's" part, which it kind of was, because "person" never had any intention of starting anything with any of us. and this secondary character had had bad vibes about "person" and had told me as much before. i just feel bad and idiotic for not treating that with the appropriate priority/urgency, considering that i've always known deep down that this character has had my well-being at the forefront.

and it also seems that "advisor" was feeling bad for doing an S_N2 reaction (you'll get it if you're a chemist). although i was upset initially, i realized that if that could happen, maybe "person" didn't feel equally strongly for me as i felt for "person", if there were ever any feelings of that nature involved in the first place. because i mean, officially, we're friends. so if you want to be really really strict about definitions, it was actually "advisor", "competition", and i as nucleophiles in competing S_N1 reactions...which "advisor" seems to have won.

what pisses me off the most was that "person" played "competition". if "person" had just played me alone, i would still be upset, emo, everything that i was previously. but the thing is, i have decent mental/emotional strength and a(n unbelievably) good support network, as i'm finding out day by day. i'm confident of bouncing back eventually. while "competition" does have support structures in place, our mental states are vastly different. considering that "person" trying to create distance already brought on an anxiety attack, i'd hate to think what might happen under more drastic scenarios. hint: the phrase "suicide attempt" has already figured in at one point. to mess with someone just for fun when they are at the risk of doing something like taking their own life goes a bit too far, in my book.

i guess that i should have seen some signs...like "person" being a bit too friendly/flirty, and admitting to having a pretty active bedroom life, if you know what i mean. i later found out that "person" had a one-night stand with a friend's friend. and the latter was unceremoniously dumped/cut off after that. although it doesn't surprise me now, i wonder if i would have tried to defend "person" while i was still hopelessly enamoured.

now that i'm a bit more clear-headed, all the evidence points to "person" being...well, not exactly manipulative. it's more like "person" never explicitly stated/defined anything, but there was no discouragement, either. the reason, as we have concluded, is that "person" enjoys the attention. i can kind of understand wanting the limelight, although (1) it's totally not my thing, and (2) i feel the methods used in this case are wrong. what surprises me, though, is for someone as good-looking as "person", there should be no lack of admirers or stuff like that. why mess with people? to get an extra kick? or perhaps admirers change their opinion after knowing "person" more, like i have. still, i will try to see the good in "person". perhaps "person" is just genuinely really really friendly to people, and isn't aware that wrong signals are being sent out (as much as i doubt that...). or hopefully this attention-seeking thing is a phase, which "person" will hopefully grow out of in a few years. maybe then, it might be possible for something (friendship or more) to develop? not placing too high hopes on that though. for me, trust lost is difficult to regain.

on a separate issue, "advisor" thought that i might harbour more-than-platonic feelings, because i did the whole checking-on-drunk-"advisor" thing. thing is, i did that out of care/concern foremost, and professionalism/obligation as a certified first-aider second. i really do not feel anything for "advisor" beyond friendship. ok, perhaps some sibling protectiveness, but that's about as far as it went. perhaps i gave the wrong signals, by being a little more physically close that strictly necessary (everything's still PG!). in that sense, i'm to blame. but i've clarified it, so hopefully my words will be taken into account.

guess that's it. that's the first thing that i was wrong about, my assessment of the situation. although i didn't have perfect knowledge and my analytical skills turned to rubbish, i still do feel that i could have done some things better, listened more attentively to some people who matter, and considered their advice more seriously. the only possible future development is that i'll be meeting "person" to clear everything up and tell them that what they did was severely not cool. interestingly, "person" wants "advisor" to be present as well, for "physical security", as it was put to me. i laughed when i read that message. i could take on the both of them easily, even on my most off of off-days. but still, i promised no violence and to keep my hands to myself. i will do my utmost to stick to that. as long as we are civil and no lies are involved, i think i can manage that just fine.

although i feel like i've been through the wringer multiple times in the past 2 weeks, i somehow oddly don't really wish all this never happened. as weird as it sounds, there's quite a significant silver lining to this whole stormcloud. for one, i've made genuine friends, and confided in people whom i'd never thought that i would have otherwise. people like my chemical engineer cousin, who's been absolutely amazing in giving me her unbiased assessment and advice throughout all of this, and supplementing it with various anecdotes from her past relationships and current married life. also, an old secondary school friend whom i've blogged about before...the one with whom i've agreed to disagree on regarding tattoos. he's been surprisingly cool about everything, which i am extremely grateful for. and of course, the 4 or so chem kids (and senior!) to whom i'm closer have also offered their support, advice, opinions, and personal experience.

it turns out that that's the second thing i'm wrong about. i'd previously thought that the chem kids, at least, had relationships that were all nice and smooth-sailing. doesn't seem to be the case, as i learnt after a long talk with some of them last night/this morning. without saying too much, the main few problems are distance, character, religion, parents. so...everyone has their difficulties, i guess. in a sense, i'm grateful, because for my issue, nothing really serious had developed yet, so dropping "person" isn't that difficult. for my friends...it will probably be more damaging if things go south. of course, i'm hoping that they will last with their respective current partners, since each pair seems to be pretty compatible to me. or if things don't work out, i hope that they will find people who see them for the amazing guys that they are, and like my cousin with her husband, think of their "flaws" as just unique character traits. but well, i don't want to jinx anything.

wow that was a lot of stuff. feels like i scrubbed out my brain, heart, and maybe soul. nah. probably not soul. let's stick with brain and heart. i'm hoping that things will look up from here on. considering that i'm not going to care too much about "person" (who has been demoted to a profanity that i will not publish here. hint: starts with F, ends in -er), i think the drama will die off on its own. once again, i'm thankful that all this happened in a period of relative downtime in NUS, which reminds me. i have to set the gears in motion. must get my lab transfer done ASAP.

-random thought of the day: Why/how do holes develop in socks?-

Superstition says that the tone of your year will be set by your mood/feelings on new years' day. there's a reason why it's called superstition and not fact. my last new year's post was generally positive in tone, and yet look how the year-end post went. maybe if i'm super pessimistic now, my year-end post might contain more good stuff? i don't know, and i honestly don't think so. so i guess i'll just blog as i usually do.

true to expectation, the chalet was a turning point. just not in the way that i had prepared for. expect the unexpected again, right!? funny how that still catches me, even after i blogged about it just last damned night. but yes, i saw some tentative signs earlier, and decided to ignore them. these signs then got confirmed from the horse's mouth barely an hour ago. so, i guess this whole relationship issue is over. well, not exactly. something that never started can't be over, right? right.

so, how do i feel about this? i'd be either lying or superhuman (but more probably the former) if i said that i wasn't hurting. it definitely sucks, to know that the person you like likes someone else...especially when the someone else is someone you trusted for advice when interacting with that first person. on that note, i do feel a bit betrayed, that the advice person knew about my feelings for the first person and "allowed" something to happen between them. but my feeling betrayed is most likely not justified. after all, all's fair in love and war, and one can't love to order. i can't control others' feelings, nor can i dictate anything about their lives, their choices, their anything, really. furthermore, i don't know who initiated anything, so it's unfair of me to assign blame. and of course, i was stupid enough not to consider any other eventualities, and focused entirely on the wrong "competition". what i do know at this point in time is that it seems to be mutual, so as per my self-imposed code of conduct, i'll step back as gracefully as i can, and not interfere with the natural progression of things between them. right now, the wound is a little too raw for me to honestly say that i wish them well, but i hope that with time, i'll be able to say that, and genuinely mean it. lastly, i definitely feel sad that things couldn't be worked out between me and that person, and guilty that i made that person a little uncomfortable by wanting direct answers to most things. it's unfortunate that we ended up on these terms, because the impression i'm getting is that the friendship may not be salvageable. well...i figure the best course of action would be to retreat into the shadows for a (long) while until things have stabilized, then start from scratch again to try and be friends.

next question: what now? life goes on as normal, i suppose. i can't expect the world to go on hold to suit my convenience, right? i'm expecting that it'll be hard at first, but eventually, i'll be able to look at them without feeling stabs of hurt and jealousy. putting things into perspective, we are just 4 people in a world of 7 000 000 000. we don't even account for 1% of the population. not even 0.001%, for that matter. how many times has this scenario played out throughout the world, over space and time? all in all, this drama is insignificant in the grand scheme of things. somehow that doesn't help as much as i'd thought/hoped it would. ultimately, the most important thing for me to know is that forced love isn't love. that, and in a world of 7 billion people, and a country of about 5 million, there are still many many people that i haven't met yet. one of them might prove to be a better fit.

speaking of a better fit, i was in the shower some time back when i thought about how relationship dynamics can be explained by/compared to enzyme kinetics and molecular evolution. you see, 2 partners are like a ligand and a target. might be an enzyme and substrate, or a messenger and receptor. anyway, when the 2 things come together, there'll be induced fit, ie. both partners' structures will change slightly to accommodate each other. it's said that love is a transformative force, right? and if all goes well, they'll stay together forever. but if a stronger-binding ligand comes along and displaces the original ligand, it will have been changed somewhat, and it will more likely show better selectivity to a more appropriate receptor, hence the molecular evolution angle. might be a stupid/ill-fitting analogy, but it's one way to reconcile what's been happening to something i'm somewhat more familiar with.

as with all experiences in life, i think the most important question to ask here is, what are the key lessons i can take away from this? #1, different things make different people tick. also related, there's more than one way to solve a problem. just because i favour the direct approach doesn't mean that it's the best way for all situations that come up, or that everyone else i meet will be comfortable with it. #2, i need to learn more tact. among the chem kids, i'd say that i rank as one of the top 3 or 4 most tactful. but that's not saying much, considering that the population size is 13 guys, a few of whom have major major foot-in-mouth issues. furthermore, issues within the chem kids don't normally tend to be romantic in nature, as a significant portion of us are already in relationships (not with each other!), while singles like me don't see potential partners within the group. so this whole relationship thing is still horribly foreign to me. #3, looks shouldn't matter, but they do. i was behaving really irrationally around that person because as i've mentioned before, i found them attractive almost beyond belief. the fact that such a person was paying any attention to me, and that there was this stupid CHANCE that things could develop, both combined and turned my brain to mush. perhaps this is all new to me, but i'm starting to realize how immature/moronic i was being. #4, guard myself more. i think things went the way they did largely because i was too honest and open. consequently, people may have used what they knew of my feelings to their advantage. as much as i hate to hide behind several layers of half-truths, omissions, and perhaps even outright lies/fakeness, i'm starting to see that it may be a necessary evil. it goes against something i strongly believe in, which is to be genuine to other people, so i imagine that it would be a pretty difficult skill to acquire. but well. maybe i can classify it under "tact" to get past the mental block. that, or my newton's third law of social interaction.

quite a long detour, huh? now for the new year's post proper. this year, i'm not going to make too many resolutions. instead, i'd rather concentrate really hard on a few simple statements, first of which being: take care of myself. by this, i mean in all aspects of life...physically, mentally, emotionally. my ultimate goal is to make 2015 a year of net happiness. that's different from just "happiness", as the latter implies that sad events won't happen. net happiness means that the magnitude of happy events will outweigh that of sad events, which seems more realistic than hoping for totally zero sadness.

statement 2: be more honest. that seems to be in direct contradiction with me needing to learn more tact, and perhaps it is, because i'm referring to something totally different. for the past 10-over years, i've been very elusive when faced with a question that is very simple by most people's standards. the simplest form of the question is just in yes/no format, 3 words long. and yet, my answers can go one round around the bushes and still not give a definite reply. that will change this year. i will not volunteer the information freely or to any old person, but i will tell the truth if asked personally, and perhaps give little clues here and there that will be obvious to people who know what to look out for. that's an acceptable compromise, i think. as for the tact thing, i think i have to work out a separate compromise. my mind isn't yet working at a level capable of handling that, so i'll leave it for a while.

statement 3: to have a purpose in mind. be it for research (degree), judo (international referee), relationship (??), whatever. i should know what i'm working towards. and if i don't, i should define something, even if it is a small goal. i guess the temporary goal for "relationship" can be "get over the past 2 weeks' worth of stuff". whenever things seem to be going awry, i just have to remind myself of these goals, and focus on the big picture.

i forgot this next bit in the last post. while talking to my psychologist friend, he told me to focus on the positives, like i have a (nice shiny lovely) car, a steady source of income, supportive friends, etc. etc. i realize that i am incredibly fortunate compared to certain other people, who may have to (for example) work multiple jobs, work "gross" jobs, not even have a job, not even have good health, etc. just because i suck at the relationship aspect, it doesn't devalue any of the other stuff. i should consider things as a whole, then things will fall nicely into perspective.

last thing. how am i going to get over the relationship issue? i don't deny that this instance has been the strongest that i've felt issues of this nature, because of that damned chance which didn't exist previously. consequently, i'm not sure how i'm going to handle it. my reflex response would be to stick my head into the sand and wait for things to pass. that translates into hiding in lab, physically away from this group of friends, maybe exiting the whatsapp group and unfriending a few people on facebook. let's take things gradually and see how drastic measures i have to take. it kind of feels like i'm being ripped apart on the inside. but then, maybe demolishing what's already there is the only way to build something even stronger. the demolition process hurts like hell, but as i've discussed with my cousin, perhaps in a few years, or when i've found the one, i'll look back on this and laugh at the melodramatic idiot i'm being now. you know, i'm really, sincerely looking forward to that time. but since i'm still freshly-hurt from all the stuff, it's difficult to laugh about it at this stage. i use "depressed" quite a bit when speaking, but never while writing, because it's serious. while i think the odds of it happening are really low, i would hate to go into depression. based on what i've heard about it, it doesn't sound fun. but well. i guess i'll do what i can to pick up the pieces and move on, bit by bit, day by day. that sounds reasonable. i really wonder, if this is how i react to a failed not-yet relationship, how will i react after a serious relationship ends? i honestly hope i never ever find out.

well, sorry for going against the trend and not writing a new year's post that's brimming with excitement of future prospects and bordering-on-foolish optimism that things will go my way all the way. after all that's happened, i think i'll adopt a more...guarded approach. not that i'm HOPING for things to fail, mind you, but if they do, i want to be prepared. at the same time, i will remain cautiously and realistically optimistic that the odds may be in my favour. having said that, i wish you good luck in the coming 364-and-a-bit days, and may we all end the year in a better state, and as better people as compared to when we started it.

-random thought of the day: Keep moving forward.-

As far as i can remember, this is the first time i'm doing my year-end post in an unfamiliar environment. i'm actually at a chalet in pasir ris with some friends. the whole thing was quite spontaneous, like we made all the plans within the past week or so. there's a lull in the activities now, so i guess i'm hoping to finish up the post in the next...hour? or at least make decent progress now and publish before midnight.

the usual things first: theme of the year. i was looking through my past themes (to avoid reusing the previous years' themes), and was pleasantly surprised to find that this year's idea hadn't be used yet. it's a bit weird. because it's something that i've been exposed to since secondary school. the theme this year is just 3 simple words, "expect the unexpected". that came from my old coach, who used it to prepare us for competition. and when i graduated and became his assistant, the meaning evolved to remind me how to deal with various ridiculous things that may have come up during training. although i know what it means, i still find it a bit hard to apply in daily life, simply because unexpected situations are, well, unexpected. although i do have like certain contingency plans, there are situations that blow even those plans out of the water...situations like my professor leaving, and the whole relationship thing. those were 2 things that probably nothing on earth would have prepared me for, save them actually happening...which they unfortunately did. the professor thing has more or less been settled already, so i'm fine about it. the relationship thing is still in progress, but i'm sure that it will be a valuable experience, and i hope that i can laugh about it when it's over. right now it's doubtful, but in the long run, it'll probably be ok.

in terms of research/academics, i'm moving closer to my goal. completed my classes, and TA requirement (less about 6 hours). research has taken a major hit, considering my pending change in research area. but the current word is that my 4 years may reset, so that kind of works out? just that i graduate a bit late, but hopefully i graduate with no further incident.

finance-wise, i THINK i saved overall. that's good, because with the extension in candidature, i will probably need to get another car after the current COE expires in early 2017. or i could rely on public transport for the last...3 or 4 semesters? ah well. will cross that bridge at the appropriate time. admittedly, i think i could have been a bit more frugal, but what the heck. i have a decent-enough-sized bit of cash in my account if anything bad should happen. *touch wood*

there's one thing i'm quite proud of this year, and that is the beginning of becoming more open in terms of telling my friends stuff. once again, this is another expect the unexpected thing, because i seriously didn't expect so many people to take it so well. i should have more faith in people, and trust my own character-reading skills more. of course, it's also a reminder not to get too complacent and go blabbing to any old person on the street. not everyone may react so nicely, because not everyone knows me or cares for me the way my friends do.

speaking of friends, i'll just sidetrack to talk about my meeting with a psychologist friend. won't go too far into details, but basically i learnt that there's a difference between self-esteem and self-regard. what people normally think of as self-esteem (ie. what you think of yourself) is actually the definition of self-regard. self-esteem is what you think others think of you. i imagine that it sounds confusing at first, so read it slowly again and process. anyway, he told me that how i perceive myself may be (actually most likely is) different from what other people think of me. and that i should not project my perspective onto others, ie. don't assume that they think of me the same way as i think of myself. it'll take some effort, i expect.

so, on to other less significant things, like judo. it hasn't been a good year for my judo. messing up grading, probably getting dropped from the national team, being suspended from refereeing. i don't really want to assign blame, but i hope that as time goes by, the proper investigations will be carried out, and everything goes back to being more-or-less normal. i figure that there's still decent time to get the necessary accreditation. current sights are set on continental by 30 years old, which is in 3 years and 10 months.

well...think that's it. all things considered, it's been a pretty bad year, but most of the bad stuff happened around the past 2 months, so they're more fresh in my mind. perhaps that's why my year-end posts tend to be more influenced by the happenings of november and december, and this november and december hasn't been exactly happy. but well, i trust the sine/cosine graph of life. if 2014 has been a downward trend, 2015 should look up...hopefully. i'll be optimistic and hope that things will get better. the new year's post might be a bit late, or even delayed by a day, considering that there are major drunk plans tonight. well, let's see.

-random thought of the day: Take a step back and things will be clear.-

Based on the past few days, it seems that there's too much drama in this whole relationship business. i'll never understand how my friends seem to have such smooth love lives, relatively speaking. like among the chem kids (and a senior), the present pattern seems to be guy asks person he likes out (some handicraft project like a jar of stars optional but recommended), person says yes, happily ever after. well, not quite. i mean, there are small-ish arguments here and there, but the general trend is a positive one, like their relationships are growing stronger over time. sometimes i wonder if they have it easier. and if they do, why? or perhaps they're not telling everything. i mean, we're close enough that i consider them as brothers. but still, there are some things that people just find too difficult/embarrassing/inappropriate to bring up in normal conversation. trust me, i know that first-hand.

speaking of relationships, one of my friends just gave birth! well, no. his wife did. they started dating in JC or secondary school (i can't remember which), and got married last year. their baby (named Emma) was born one year, one month, and one day after their wedding dinner. interesting trivia like this is always easy to remember. so we attended the full-month celebration-cum-baby shower on saturday. it was quite a quiet thing, just close friends and family, according to my friend, the new dad. looking at the baby, i felt...weird. definitely not in the creepy twilight imprinting way (you know what? just kill me for even knowing about that reference), but it's just the thought that she'll be growing up, and in a few years' time, she'll be able to recognize people. and if the chem kids' friendship maintains (which is very very likely), i'll be a part of her life. in fact, she'll have a lot of uncles (and potential aunts) to care for her as well, as will any/all of the future kids of anyone in the group. it's kind of overwhelming, thinking about it. that's something i didn't really do growing up, meeting my parents' friends. i wonder why. i mean, i know like 2 or 3 names off-hand, but that's about it. and in my whole lifetime so far, i've only seen (some of) these people less than 5 times. if my friends will allow it, i hope to be able to care for their kids as if they were my own...only to give them back when they become too much of a handful. after all, there are reasons why i don't intend on having kids, and that's one of them. the having to care for them 24/7 thing, i mean.

to briefly catch you up on the relationship matter, there were 2 significant events: dinner with the person on friday, and a group karaoke session (including the 2 people involved) yesterday. during the dinner, i kind of made a complete fool of myself. you'd think that at the ripe old age of 26, i'd have given up doing that some time ago, or at least be severely out of practice. apparently not. apart from when i'm getting grilled by my professor about research, i have never felt more of a moron in this past year than i did that night. but was it worth it? probably. that person was nice and understanding, and agreed on most of the points that i brought up. they also have their own issues to deal with, so i understood that too. the thing that's most important to me is that we have a common understanding, and we both accept the situation as it is right now, and are in decent agreement on how we're going to progress from there. so that's something.

karaoke yesterday was fun. i think it's the first time i've done karaoke without alcohol in my system. consequently, the usual high feeling wasn't all there, but it was still enjoyable. didn't go all out as i do with the chem kids, but i still screamed along to some of the songs. or to use some chinese slang, i killed some chickens. was good for stress relief, though someone kept choosing emo chinese songs which i didn't know how to sing. good also, i guess. gave my throat time to rest in-between screaming sessions.

so after karaoke, i kind of got the other person alone and asked about their relationship with that person. the official stand is that they're friends, so the playing field is even in that regard. and as i made it clear, i'd back off if they got together. but for now, the gloves are off. ok...i used nicer words, considering that other person is a bit...fragile, but the meaning's there. i later found out that the other person was jealous or something after knowing for sure that i do like that person, so it seems that the pieces of the puzzle don't exactly fit, or make up the picture as advertised on the box. hey, new analogy! but yes, i think i'm going to be stubborn about this a bit more, until anything between them is officially announced. something tells me not to give up without a fight. and although i sympathize with the other person's fragility (they haven't had an easy life), it's no reason for me to so-called "let them win", right? after all, the events are independent. whether the competition is fragile or not, i'd fight (not physically. well, maybe physically, if push came to shove) for the person i like. another separate person i talked to said that i was being tactless, and i kind of agree in hindsight. guess it's my desire to have the facts laid out in the open and to solve things ASAP taking over. i just hope that the 2 key people see my intentions for what they really are, and not that i'm trying to be intimidating, kaypoh, or stalker-ish or anything. well, maybe kaypoh, though it's an unintended consequence.

but well, all that drama aside, the most important thing to remember is that that is just one aspect of life. there are other things, like judo, research, other friends, personal development, etc etc. i should definitely not let the relationship thing take over my life. it's hard though. i know i agreed to be friends with that person, and that person agreed too. but there have been these odd moments when i think we somehow connect more so than usual. subtle things like significant looks, raised eyebrows, smiles which quickly escalate to laughter for absolutely no reason...man, i sound like a lovestruck teenager. probably not too far from the truth. as a result, i could be really really reading too much into all this stuff. sucks. why can't people be honest about their feelings? the world and all its affairs would be so much simpler. you know, i think i'll make that a 2015 resolution. to be honest about my feelings.

as usual, it doesn't feel like this coming thursday will be the start of a new year. but well, calendars don't lie. for once, i have new year's plans! major shocker, right? so what's happening is that a group of friends booked a chalet, and we're spending a night over. and wouldn't you guess it, the 2 people will be there as well. so much for not letting the relationship aspect take control. well either way, the chalet looks poised to be a turning point, either for better or worse. just have to see how things unfold, and act appropriately. whatever happens, i hope i handle it in a way that i can look back on without cringing. even though i'll be out of the house, the usual year-end post should still be on-schedule. not sure about the new year's day post though. might be too tired and/or hungover. i'll do my best. i'm already planning to break my east coast tradition this year, don't want to rock the boat too much as far as blogging traditions go. suddenly seems like there's not enough time to get things done, though. think it's the usual end-of-year feeling. must remind myself that although our time is finite, there's more of it than i think there is.

-random thought of the day: Thankfully all this mess happened during a downtime period.-

I'm sorry for the massive outpouring of negativity in the last post. if anyone's still keeping track, i'm feeling much better as compared to 24 hours ago. although this christmas is still kind of sucky, it could have been so so much worse. i am insanely grateful to a few friends, as well as to my chemical engineer cousin, for being there for me when i needed it. in fact, my cousin wrote me something incredibly powerful. it goes:

"I will pray for you to be happy, healthy and well. That you will find someone someday who makes your heart sing. That you will experience all the joy of life and love. And that people will accept you for you."

the message hit me so hard, i actually cried worse than last night. i'm talking full-blown waterworks here, mucus and all. difference here is that these were tears of happiness. this is one of those things that i will definitely look back on and seek comfort in/draw strength from in times of trouble. for cousins who have not physically seen each other in more than 5 years, and whose primary mode of communication is commenting on each others' blog posts, this is beyond anything i could have hoped for/dreamt of/imagined. like i posted alongside it on my facebook, it's the best christmas present i've ever received. even now, tears still threaten to fall whenever i read it. oddly, i hope that never changes.

my cousin was also instrumental in shifting my perspective. i think that my rational assessment was blocked by the fact that i find this person really attractive, so like a "they can do no wrong" kind of thing is going on in my mind. but once i get past that, i might start to see their flaws, or find out that one of their character traits makes it impossible between us. what's more, we're 6 years apart, so we are at very different places in life, and we will more likely than not want different things at our current respective life stages. so there's that. and i've not known this person for long. i can't possibly judge their character accurately based on my severely limited information. to bring up a minor point, if the lab transfer goes through, i will be kept extremely busy playing catch-up in the organometallics lab. consequently, that person might feel neglected, which is not fair to them either.

the other issue is that this person seems to have very recently got together with another person (yes, it's confusing). i promised myself a long time ago that i wouldn't try to chase someone who was already involved in a relationship. the scary thing is how fast their relationship is progressing! like, all 3 of us met at the same time, which was this past saturday. the 2 of them have gone on a date, and one of them even slept over at the other person's house. don't know if i'm way way behind the times, but to me, sleeping over doesn't seem like something you do on the first date.

worst thing is that the other person (the one whom i'm not interested in) is kind of leaving hints in our whatsapp group (with many other people as well) that their friendship not all is as it seems. for someone who is interested in the person that that person is seemingly together with, it hurts. yes, i know that that person is young, stupid, and attention-seeking. it doesn't reduce my urge to slam their head into a wall, though. i've honestly lost count of how many times that thought's crossed my mind. was going to say "throw that person" at first, but i remembered that judo can't be used for evil. yes, i will not deny that this is evil and petty of me. it's the jealousy. natural response. i figure it's ok as long as i don't act on these impulses.

well. i think i finally saw open for this situation. i will meet the person i'm interested in tomorrow, and tell them upfront that i like them, but i want to get to know them better first, take things easy. in the event that they are really together with the other person, i will back off as gracefully as i can, and hope that we can set up mutually agreeable boundaries. more importantly, i hope that we can remain friends. people say that there are many fish in the sea. but no matter what, the feeling of having an extra-shiny fish slip away still sucks.

really, i think i'm too old for all this teenager-ish drama. makes me regret not starting the whole dating thing sooner. at the same time, i'm happy that i waited, because this kind of drama would have severely messed teenage me up. well, everything happens for a reason, and that reason is either (1) to make you a better person, or (2) to show you what kind of person you should not be.

-random thought of the day: I have amazing, accepting people in my life.-

Discovered something about myself while driving around aimlessly just now. apparently, i can't cry while driving. it's good from a safety perspective, since tears mess my vision up like you wouldn't believe. but now that i'm back home and blogging, i can feel the tears building up in my eyes. i'm actually not really that shy to admit that i cry from time to time, usually thrice a year maximum. it's a natural way of relieving stress when things become too overwhelming, as they did today. normally, i'm pretty good at handling stressful things, or venting my stress through other outlets, like blogging, or anger/raging in a pinch. but the combination of 2 things, both of which are really important to me, caught me completely off-guard. it's largely because i didn't expect one of them to happen, and i expected the other's magnitude to be much less. the former refers to a potential relationship problem (to be explained in much greater detail later), while the latter refers to the talk with my professor.

i had really thought and hoped that my professor would be nice about it. really. i was hoping to be in and out of his office in 15 minutes maximum, no fuss, no nonsense. the meeting dragged on to 40 minutes instead. i think that i have not felt as much anger in this whole year as i did in those 40 minutes. so basically it started out calmly enough, with me telling my professor that i had reached a decision, and that i wanted to go to the organometallics professor's lab. things started heading south once those words left my mouth. to say he was taken aback would be quite the understatement. more like he was completely blindsided. he said that he didn't understand why i even approached the guy, that it would be bad for my QE, that my funding situation wouldn't allow it blah blah. stuff i'd heard before. i told him that i had considered things very carefully and based on the facts i had, that would be the best move for me. he didn't seem to think so.

next, he told me that he'd been talking to the japanese professor, and he showed me an email where the japanese professor accepted me into his group. that's when i got really angry. you see, here's the chronology:
sunday - japanese professor sends acceptance email
monday - with nothing heard, i email the organometallics professor to tell him that i'd join his lab.
monday, slightly later - he replies in the affirmative.
monday, even later - after receiving the confirmation, i emailed the japanese professor to say that since i hadn't received word, i had made other arrangements.
monday latest - japanese professor replies, apologizing for not contacting me, and says that joining another group might be better for me. i then assume that he was being a bugger.
today - my professor FINALLY shows me the email, making me realize that i'd maligned the japanese professor.

the problem here is twofold: first, my professor delayed in giving me such a critical piece of information. if the roles had been reversed, i would have immediately forwarded the email to my student, and asked him to reevaluate his options given the new news. not that my decision would have changed, but i would have replied the japanese professor in a different way. that's the second problem. my reply kind of implied that it was his fault for not contacting me, when in actual fact, he had contacted my professor and therefore had fulfilled his due responsibility. and now that i've sent that email, it's bound to be offensive. the only possible defence i have is ignorance, because i was not privy to the information at an earlier date. and who's to blame? partially me, for sending the damned email in the first place. but i refuse to shoulder the blame entirely by myself. because if the information had travelled a bit faster, everything would be safe and neutral.

even then, i didn't see the previous messages, meaning that they could have had some secret negotiation, like the japanese professor being a dummy supervisor, or that he gets some other benefit (eg. HPLC use, or chiral columns) in return for taking me in. i wouldn't be surprised in any way. but i figure that since i don't plan on ending up there, i shouldn't worry too much about their plans.

so by that time i think you'd understand why i was quite upset already. then, my professor pulls the guilt card, by saying how disappointed he was that i seemed to not trust him, and that i seemed not to believe that he had my best interests in mind. BUT CAN YOU BLAME ME!? he's been so sneaky about this whole thing that honestly, i wouldn't stay even if he begged me, relieved me of safety lead duties, promised that i'd publish 5 JACS papers per year, and graduate a semester early. for the sake of argument, let's just assume that he's really looking out for me. if that were the case, i think he'd just offer his opinions, but still respect my choice and help me get to where i wanted to go, instead of what he's doing now, which is imposing his will upon me. no matter how well a plan has been thought out, the biggest variable is still the unpredictability of the human element in the plan.

at that point, i think he realized that no matter what persuasion tactics or threats he threw at me, my heart and mind were both set on leaving. so he told me to pack everything up neatly, clean up both my fume hood and student room place, collate my data, and leave. i was more than happy to do that. but he had to throw in another threat, which was that if i didn't clean up and hand over properly, and future recommendation letters that i ask him to write would contain "the truth", as he put it...to which i internally thought, 'please go build the biggest kite you can and fly it, preferably off a cliff'. there's no way i'd ever approach him for any help ever again. the way i see it, he's wrecked any chance of a cordial relationship. as it is, i can sense that he's already reluctant to do all that he can to ensure a smooth transition. i'm ok if he doesn't want to help, as long as he doesn't meddle and make the situation worse.

the session ended with 2 questions: (1) would i be ok with him contacting the organometallics professor to explain the situation? i replied yes. transparency, right? (2) would i like him to maintain the channel of communication with the japanese professor, in case things don't go well with the organometallics professor? i replied yes as well. good to have backups, though i'm not sure how that will work now with the email i sent. i really hope that the deal goes through. all things considered, it could have gone way way better. i don't want to think (too) badly of my professor, but i'm really praying hard that he'll just report the facts, and not psycho the organometallics professor in any way. though the latter doesn't seem to be that easily-psychoed. ex-regular SAF officer leh, don't play play. but well, the cards are all on the table as far as i'm concerned. the moves are between the higher-ups now. i believe that the organometallics professor will fight for me. just hoping he's determined enough, and has strong enough resources and bargaining power.

now for the second issue. i don't make it a secret that i've never been in a relationship. consequently, i'm not at all experienced in matters of the heart. oddly, my friends still do approach me for relationship advice sometimes. when that happens, i rationally analyze the data, and give them my unbiased opinion, weighted to account for what i know of my friend's personality (as well as the partner's if i know them). for instance, if the partner of a normally laid-back friend says he's lazy, i'd tell him not to worry too much. maybe act a bit more on the ball. but when it comes to my own cases, my rationality flies out of the window. that hasn't been an issue so far, because there was essentially zero chance that anyone i liked would like me back, due to...reasons. but now, that chance just appeared very very recently. admittedly, it's slim bordering on anorexic, but it's definitely there. that was the meaning of the clue i left in the random thought, by the way. part of the lyrics go "for the first time in forever, i'm getting what i'm dreaming of...a chance to change my lonely world; a chance to find true love"...although i'm not stupid enough to think that true love lies with someone i've known for barely a week (though the idealistic romantic side of me is kind of hoping that it does). regardless, the situation scares me like you absolutely wouldn't believe. although a recent update as i'm typing this says that the chance may be gone again due to other reasons...so i really really don't know.

the thing i learnt today is that it was all fine and well when i was the third party giving advice. previously, i felt certain (negative) emotions when it came to my own love life, but never very strongly because i knew of the zero-chance thing. now that there's a chance, those emotions intensified exponentially (anything is infinite times more than zero, because dividing anything by zero gives infinity), and several new emotions were thrown into the mix. somehow, i'm finding myself to be incapable of dealing with the new influx of emotions, in terms of how strongly i'm feeling them. although it's been a while since the last time i've said this, i have to admit that i'm finding myself to be at a complete loss.

you know what? screw this. i have to approach this like i approach most other issues. openly, directly (yet tactfully), and most importantly, with whatever confidence i can muster. either way, dancing around the situation won't do me any good, and i'm not letting go without a fight. hopefully it doesn't come down to a fight between me and someone else. best case scenario is that the other person feels similarly, and we click. second best case is that the other person feels similarly, but can't commit just yet due to whatever issues. i can wait, provided they give their assurance and a somewhat reasonable end-date (say, 6 months to a year tops?). third best (or second worst) would be that the person is hung up over someone else, and totally can't commit with no end-date in sight. worst is if that person was available, but something happened today and they JUST got together with someone else. i might just die a little inside if that happened, and be extra extra volatile for a while. then of course there's the whole other issue of me being not particularly far from attractive, but that's a whole other can of worms which i don't want to touch at this time.

no matter what happens, even if the outcome falls outside my predictions (for better or worse), as per what has been internalized within me since JC days, the earth will keep spinning, life will go on. one lost opportunity doesn't spell doomsday. although i will admit, losing this particular opportunity will hurt more than expected because based on what i know, the person in question is...unbelievable. not perfect, definitely, but damned close. or maybe i haven't had the time to uncover their flaws yet. nevertheless, the current thought is that if we can't be together, i would like to retain them as a friend. i'm sure that shouldn't be too hard. i'm pretty good at separating friends from potential love interests, as long as the lines have been clearly defined. then maybe if/when the situation improves, i'll try asking again.

i think the logical-ness of scientific training has wrecked my ability to rely on my emotions for guidance, meaning that my meyer-briggs test type has probably changed too. i'm...undecided about how i feel about this. therefore, it would be pointless to talk about it unless/until i form some kind of opinion. so i'll put this on hold.

seems that driving has become so routine that it's no longer as therapeutic as when i only had the car on weekends. tradeoffs i guess. i think that driving and the assorted judgement calls, reactions, and procedures have all become muscle memory, which means that they operate on a somewhat subconscious level now, and that i can use my brain actively for other things. or to put it the other way round, driving can no longer distract me. seriously. thoughts kept flying through my head even as i went one round around half of the island. from bishan to toa payoh via thomson road, up the PIE, to eunos and marine parade, up the ECP to the TPE, then CTE back to bishan. ok. maybe not half the island. more like 1/5 to 1/6. but you get the idea.

in the spirit of christmas, i'll be generous and give another random thought of the day: this is turning out to be the worst christmas in my memory by far. one thing may be able to turn it all around, and that's my meeting with the person on friday. if you've read this far, thank you, you must really care for/about me. either that, or you're way too free and way too kaypoh. thank you regardless. and if there's a chance that you'll see me in real life anytime soon, please understand that i may be super irritable over the next few days, and please forgive me if i snap at you. ok that's it. didn't really cry (yet), though things might change once i'm in bed. hoping not, but i do know that crying is a natural process, and that it's somehow therapeutic. see how.

Few important things to mention today, first of which being results. i'm usually good with doing results posts on results day itself, but somehow i wasn't really in a blogging mood yesterday. so...sorry for that. this results post will hopefully be my last one ever from NUS. interestingly/ironically, it's also the shortest results post i've ever posted. without further ado...

CM5224: B+
like i said, i messed up the final by not really studying. thank goodness it only accounted for 40%. i recall that the lecturer said that i was in the B+/A- range when i went to see my mid-term results. maybe i dropped from a high A- to a low B+. don't know, don't really care. as for the module itself, the teaching style was nice, timing was a bit bad, content was ok for the first half, but the second half was too bio-related. word is that the professor updates the module content after every semester it's offered, so i'm not sure how accurate this will be in the future. though if he takes up the suggestions my classmates and i left in the reviews/comments, it'll probably get tougher.

semester CAP: 4.00
overall CAP: 4.20

so with that, my module requirement for graduate studies is fulfilled, and my class-taking days in NUS have come to an end. on a side-note, i'm still above C-level! if these grades were to be computed into my undergrad CAP, i'd have an overall CAP of...4.25. not too bad. classes ended just in time, too! with this whole business of transitioning to a new lab, i don't think i can afford the distraction of a module. you know, worrying about exams, tests, deadlines, module content...that's actually a lot worse than research. i have no idea how the masters by coursework students manage/handle 5 modules a semester. granted that we did that in undergrad too, but still. worse is that they have to take "graduate ________ chemistry" modules, where the blank is filled by the 4 major areas of chemistry. asking me to take graduate physical or analytical chemistry is tantamount to asking me to jump off a bridge. whenever i see the QE email, i look through the physical and analytical (and sometimes inorganic) sample papers, and without fail, the same few thoughts come to mind. (1) how on earth did i make it past year 2!? (2) i'd fail so hard if i went back now. (3) did we really learn all of this stuff!? (4) thank goodness i have friends specializing in each area of chemistry. (5) thank goodness i already passed the written QE.

a major thing that's due to happen today is that i'm going to meet my professor and talk to him about the transfer. despite being on leave, the organometallics professor replied within the same day to confirm that his lab could accommodate me, and that i'd be welcome in his group after we settle a small funding issue. that's in stark contrast to the japanese professor, who's been keeping quiet all the while, and only replied with a short apology when i told him that i had found another place to go to. well...it worked out for the best, i think. i'm not really looking forward to telling my professor, since i'm expecting that he'll not be happy (which is perfectly understandable). i already spent yesterday clearing out the fume hood, throwing away some broken stuff, returning all the chemicals that i'd (mis)appropriated. i think the person who takes over me will have a pretty ample supply of glassware, TLC plates, etc.

there's one more thing i want to blog about, pertaining to emotions, relationships and all that stuff. but i realize i'm about to run late for a lunch appointment with the chem kids. so, refer to the video below. that should be a super huge hint.

-random thought of the day: Pay attention to the chorus and the last bit.-

Getting lots of stuff done makes me feel productive. it's sometimes an illusion, since the stuff can be really minor things. like yesterday, where i went to cat high, sim lim square, then raffles place. the trip to cat high was a short one. just caught some people at the tail-end of the "10 years since graduation" gathering. a fair few of the people there were from my sec 1 and 2 class, which was nice. admittedly, i don't really have many fond memories of them. the 2 years of lower secondary were rough, both because i was coming in from a foreign primary school (and thus didn't have established friendships already), and also because i was a weird, angry, not-really social kid. i'm still weird and not-really social, but thankfully less angry. also thankfully, it seems that we've all grown up with the years, and we were able to have some light casual conversation. don't think i will be best friends with any of them anytime soon (if ever), but at least i can say i feel neutral towards them. pity that i didn't really see many sec 3 and 4 classmates, exception being the guy who introduced me to blogging. we were actually classmates all the way from sec 1 to sec 4. in comparison, my time in upper secondary was (much) better, so i have more positive than negative memories of him.

i honestly don't have a clear recollection of the last time i stepped into cat high before yesterday. memory says that it's either 2009 or 2010. regardless, it's definitely been a while. during my last visit, i remember thinking that the school had gone a little overboard with the decorations (flying ducks hanging across an open area, anyone?). although i didn't get to walk around due to a slight time constraint, i think the decorations just got more...extreme. to give you some idea of what i mean by "extreme", apparently there's a rabbit cage, with live rabbit(s) included. i didn't see it for myself, but to paraphrase a quote from someone who did, "wah! did you see the rabbit cage? can probably keep a lion inside!" so yes. extreme. although the basic infrastructure is the same, the cat high from my memories is all but gone. not that i'm complaining, nor that it's even my place to complain. things change, that's a given. i think it may be good for the students too. maybe studying in such an environment helps to reduce the stress? besides, if i were to complain, i can just imagine how the really old old boys who studied at queen street might feel. now THEY'D really have something to complain about.

next destination was sim lim. i had to be in raffles place later anyway, so i parked the car somewhere and took a train to bugis, then walked the last about-500m. thanks to my online research beforehand, it wasn't so much of a "go and see what's available" kind of trip as compared to a "buy and get out" thing. i had already decided on something called the TDK trek A34. it seems to meet all my needs. transport controls (which is a fancy way of saying previous/next track), decently-sized, decently loud, runs on AC or battery power, able to charge my phone from it. the battery thing worries me slightly. you see, the batteries are nickel metal hydride batteries, and not lithium ion. i thought NiMH batteries were obsolete already! the thing about them is, you have to be very careful about their charge/discharge cycles, since partial charging can result in loss of battery capacity. so i don't really want to use them. then again, my plan is to have the speaker stationed near my workplace (fume hood or bench or whatever), and i expect that there'll be a power point nearby. so, running it off the power supply is the best option. and there's even a switch to disable the batteries, if i understood correctly. guess i'll find out when i set it up.

short sidetrack. i'm no stranger to online shopping. i've made a fair few online purchases, ranging from steam games to antivirus to stuff like pens and earphones from amazon, and even transactions like paying my phone bills, season parking, and road tax (barring the most recent one). however, i generally try to avoid buying electrical appliances (those that you have to plug in to a power source) online. for one, they're usually expensive. i would be more ok wasting say, $3 on an iphone cable, vs. wasting $200 on a DVD player in the event it doesn't work as advertised. and with electronics, they're usually shock-sensitive, so any mishandling during the shipping process increases the odds of receiving damaged goods, which would then have to be returned, creating even more hassle. worse is if the refund/exchange doesn't get approved. on top of all that, there's the voltage issue. some countries like america and japan run on 110V power, instead of singapore's 240V. that means appliances made for the american/japanese markets will short-circuit when plugged into the mains in singapore. of course there are things like voltage transformers, but not all appliances are equipped with those. so i'd rather not take the risk. if i buy something from singapore, i avoid the whole voltage issue, plus returns/exchanges are much more convenient...but at the cost of a (slightly?) higher price.

purchase finished, i then went to raffles place for...coffee. the nice starbucks barista got my drink order right! that makes her the third one so far. the coffee thing was fun and lively. bringing my junior was definitely the right move; she really helped to break the ice. i think i could see myself becoming a regular there. still not prepared for full disclosure at this point, but i will say this much. the changes to my facebook profile should be a big clue, probably enough for you to guess what i don't quite want to say yet.

these past 2 weeks have been nice and relaxing. can foresee that that will change soon. having to negotiate an exit from my lab, transitioning to the new lab, and working double-time to make up for joining late will keep me plenty occupied for the next month, if not the next semester, or even the next year. next week will probably be the toughest though, since i generally don't like confrontational situations. here's hoping that my professor will handle things with professionalism and grace. and if he doesn't, here's hoping i retain enough self control to keep calm and not blow up at him.

-random thought of the day: Hot spoons are good for mosquito bites.-

Most normal people would not usually think of murder on a regular basis, let alone plan to kill someone, or even participate in such a plan. yet, we (i) do it more often than you would think. of course i'm not referring to literal killing, like stabbing someone. rather, i mean it...well, not exactly figuratively. more like prolonged killing. maybe it'll become clearer after i explain it. if you recall, i have a coach from secondary school, and i sort of became his assistant after graduation, through JC, not army, and even up till about year 3 of university. well, the one thing about him that i don't think i've ever mentioned here before now is that he smokes. quite heavily. sure, he's considerate enough not to do it in front of secondary school kids, but word gets around fast. and although he does try to stand downwind from us (and we try to stand upwind of him too), i think i've inhaled a fair bit of secondhand smoke, which explains how i can easily pick up on smokers. but this isn't about killing me. the thing is, after we turned 18, he'd occasionally ask some of us to help him to buy cigarettes. i usually oblige, partially because the cigarettes are just one item in a grocery list, and partially also because i don't know how to say no to him nicely.

now, i know cigarettes are bad. HE knows cigarettes are bad. and yet, he shows no signs of quitting, nor do i show any signs of refusing to buy cigarettes for him. question here is, who's to blame? i definitely have to take some responsibility for agreeing, since it encourages the habit. at the same time, if i were to refuse, he'd simply ask another person to do it, or at the very worst case, he'd go to the nearest convenience store to buy them on his own. although now that he's temporarily mobility-impaired, the latter option might not be as viable. might be a good time to convince him to quit, though i think most of us have tried in the past, with no success. unfortunately, his injury and illness leads to some pain, and he says that smoking helps to relieve that pain. i'm not sure whether cigarettes function as painkillers as well, but something tells me that with that kind of psychological dependency, it'll be even more difficult to bring up the topic of quitting now.

actually, the main issue is this: do i have the right to force him to do something that he doesn't want to do (ie. quit smoking)? i mean, he's a legal adult, and smoking is legal (albeit expensive, but i don't control his finances either) in singapore. it would be totally different if it was a secondary school kid asking for help buying cigarettes. him smoking doesn't really affect me physically. a bit of secondhand smoke isn't much of a big deal...considering how little we see each other nowadays, i probably get worse from traffic exhaust. my stand is that i have no right to control his life. but then, his smoking does have a bit of an emotional impact. it's scientifically proven that smoking is unhealthy. increased lung cancer risk, reduced respiration efficiency, not to mention nicotine dependency and a whole host of other issues. long story short, there is a higher-than-average chance that a person's lifespan will be shortened if s/he smokes vs. if s/he didn't. and with his health already not exactly in prime condition, smoking will do him more harm than average. it doesn't feel good to know that you are actively contributing to reduce the lifespan of someone you care about.

to look at it from the other way round, he has no right to force me to buy cigarettes for him either. but the thing is, it's not exactly forcing in this case. he's always asked, and i've always agreed. so in that sense, it is more my fault. but you see, this is another of those tricky areas. he's my senior in age, he's helped me through some tough times in secondary school and army, one example being taking care of me when i was still a sheltered kid, and (for lack of a better way to put it) introduced me to some aspects of normal society. that's the kind of thing that i don't think i will ever be able to repay. not unless he has kids, to whom i can do the same (he doesn't). thus, i figured that it wouldn't be very nice of me to say no to such a simple request. maybe i have to find some sort of balance, like getting less than the requested amount, or getting them less frequently. i mean, he'll get them, regardless of whether it's through me or other means, so no point upsetting him over such a small matter, right? if only he'd quit because nobody would agree to get him cigarettes. that would make my decision so much easier.

on the NUS side, the japanese professor hasn't replied, so i think i have to be proactive and stop wasting time. a day wasted is a day's later graduation. i've drafted an email to the organometallics professor, and will send it on monday. it's quite bad karma to send work-related emails on weekends. then again, he's on leave, so i guess i'll have bad karma regardless. assuming i get the green light, i'll then finally talk to my professor and tell him that all his plans and predictions were wrong, i'm moving to somewhere which he didn't even think of, take that! ok no, not really. well maybe, but with much nicer words. then i'll email the japanese professor to say thanks for nothing, and begin the process of handing over stuff and transitioning to the new lab. if all goes well, i should be able to start my new project slightly before new year. not that there'll be much progress, considering that the holiday mood will still be in the air.

speaking of holiday mood, i've thought of the perfect christmas present for myself: wireless speakers for use in lab! you see, i currently use a pair of repurposed computer speakers, which require a wired connection. with my current phone case, the jack doesn't fit fully into the port, meaning that the volume and sound quality are both diminished. of course, the cheaper solution would be a 3.5mm extension cable with a slimmer jack, but i figured that since the speakers belong to the lab and i can't take them when i move (well i CAN, but that wouldn't be nice), i should just get something that's mine. and to solve any future connection issues, go wireless! been doing some research online, and i think i found a good candidate. will be going down to sim lim to check it out, since i have to be in the area later anyway. maybe i'll post about the whole shopping process later, and why i didn't simply get it online. for now, it's off to shower and get ready. thinking of dropping by cat high for a bit, since they're having the 10-year anniversary gathering for my graduated cohort. think i'll just pop by, say hi, then leave.

-random thought of the day: Feeling apprehensive about the Cat High thing.-

Pretty sure i've written about this next saying - when it rains, it pours. means that when bad things happen, it's often a combination of bad things, or something very severe, depending on the interpretation of "pours"...like many small droplets, or a giant deluge? basically, minor bad things don't exist on their own. i'm finding that to be true, as i received another bomb in my email just yesterday. to clarify, this latest bomb doesn't have anything to do with the NUS situation, which i'll digress to (briefly?) talk about.

in terms of the situation itself, not much has changed since the last update. what has changed, though, is my perception of the situation. i am really really not inclined to stay put in my current lab. my current best-case scenario is if i can move to my target organometallics lab with little to no issue. despite being pretty sure that i want to end up there, i'm still waiting for the japanese professor's reply. it's very irrational, since my decision is kind of independent of whether he says yes or no. so the logical thing to do would be to inform all relevant parties as soon as possible in order to start the move as soon as possible, thus saving time. but some stupid part of me is still waiting until i get a reply from the japanese professor, if only to see if he would accept me. perhaps it's an ego thing, like, "oh he does want me, so he must think somewhat highly of me!"...though for all i know, the reason could very well be (and probably is) because i can speak japanese. either way, the japanese professor had said that he would get back to me within a week from last friday, so i hope things can be set in motion before the week is up.

now for the most recent bomb. well, in terms of magnitude relative to the NUS thing, it's more of a firecracker sparkler than a bomb. what happened is that the SJF *FINALLY* got in touch with me to ask for an explanation for the macau trip. after close to FIVE MONTHS! it's so ridiculous it's bordering on unreal. and yes, somehow their excellent sense of timing is such that they sent the notice when i'm in the midst of tackling a much bigger problem. i'm supposed to give them a reply in a week from yesterday, so there's like 6 more days to go. at this point, i've already began drafting an email, which basically says please take a number, go one corner, and wait until i have the time. going to pull out all the stops on my vocabulary/sentence patterns here, and be super super polite. i kind of picked this up from japanese classes, where i learnt that writing a letter with too much keigo somehow achieves the opposite effect instead.

one interesting thing i noticed is that in the email, the management didn't invoke any article in the SJF constitution or referee code of conduct (not that the latter exists) to charge me under. therefore, the implication is that i didn't do anything that was wrong in the book, and that means that i have been wrongfully suspended. although they may argue "pending investigation" as a reason for the suspension, i have a nice counter-point for that. won't go into too much detail here at the moment, since who knows who reads this. maybe i'll blog about it in full after everything blows over.

it's quite an intriguing thing to me. why do people want power? is saying that you're the president such a big deal? of singapore, definitely. of NUS, probably. of a company, well, it depends on the company. but of the SJF? i don't know. that's a position i wouldn't want even if it was offered to me. doesn't seem logical that people are resorting to tricks and schemes just to place themselves in power. do these people really derive pleasure from making others' lives more difficult, to the extent that they want the power to mess with others? one of judo's core principles is "自他共栄 (jita kyouei)”, which is usually (somewhat inaccurately) translated into "mutual welfare and benefit". if you look at the kanji, the first two characters are "self" and "other" respectively. the third character means "together/shared/common", while the last means "flourish/prosper/glory". so it's not just looking out for each other, it's actually helping/pushing each other to shine. by suppressing certain things (some clubs, members, and SEA games kata come to mind immediately as examples), i'd say the SJF is actually operating in direct contradiction to this principle. anyway, i am but a small fry. it's not my position to judge. that's reserved for future generations, who will hopefully dig up all this, which will be ancient history by that time. all it takes is just for someone to ask, "why was there no kata event at the 2015 SEA games in singapore?" if i'm around when it happens, i look forward to helping to answer that question.

debt is another topic i want to talk about. once again, i've mentioned this (or at least something similar) before, so just skip it if you find it familiar. how does one repay a debt? for that matter, what do you consider a debt? monetary debt is straightforward; just pay however much you borrowed. i'm assuming we're talking between friends, so there's none of that messy interest stuff like with banks. in fact, between the chem kids, we're familiar enough with each other to the extent that we normally just round off to the nearest dollar, $5, or sometimes even $10. there's some profit and loss here and there, but i think that it all evens out or becomes insignificant in the long run, which i think we'll eventually reach. i think it's good that we're all ok with this arrangement, and that nobody is particularly calculative. for me personally, if it's someone i don't know that well, the understanding is that if i pay first, i expect them to be "automatic" and pay me back within some reasonable time...unless i decide not to collect, which should not be taken for granted as going to happen. conversely, if i owe others money, i'll take the initiative to pay in full as soon as possible, unless i really forget.

the second, trickier kind of debt is emotional debt. now, i hate owing big favours to people, because there's no tangible value. like say if i drive someone somewhere, how would that someone pay it back? by an equivalent act, i suppose. that's still somewhat straightforward. but what if, say, i saved your life somehow, or acted as your mentor for like a few years? either of those is more or less worth a life debt to me, particularly the latter case since the former has almost no realistic chance of happening. and if i owed someone that, it seems to me like no matter what i do, i will never fully pay it off. but i'd be fine with helping my debtor out, as long as they don't take advantage of it. and by that statement, it means that somehow i subconsciously think that there is an upper limit, so there is a possibility that such a life debt can be paid off. the mentor thing resonates with me, as i have been both the mentor and the mentored before. admittedly, i don't proclaim to be the perfect mentor (nor am i even close, actually), which is why i don't hold people i mentor to this life debt thing, or indeed, to any debt at all. i'm happy enough if they think well of me and don't talk bad about me behind my back. but as for my mentors, i do hold myself to that, and so i try my best to be there for them if/when they need me. though it's not easy, with my normally rubbish hours. then comes the next tricky thing: what if your mentor has really helped you, but things suddenly turn sour, or he owes you stuff now? what happens then? i'm starting to realize that this is sounding more and more like the NUS issue. believe me, i started writing with a different case in mind. i guess if you really feel wronged, the best is to go for an amicable split, like what i'm doing here. that's not entirely possible for my original case, though, due to some other circumstances.

guess i'll wrap up here. maybe i'll continue on this train of thought in another post. maybe my mentoring/coaching philosophy, too. also scheduled for sometime in the future, the question - would you help someone kill themself? all this and more, next time (hopefully)!

-random thought of the day: Feeling oddly philosophical due to the nice weather.-

Amazing how much things can change day-to-day, and even more amazing is when you put the days together and look at the overall change. though i said that i'd be taking the whole week off after tuesday to meditate on issues, i've been back to school both yesterday and today due to new information and changing circumstances. without going through the twists and turns, here's the most updated situation: after talking to a few other PIs, i am more or less set on leaving my professor's lab. it's not just talking to potential new supervisors that caused this change in perspective; there were a few push factors too.

the most major of the push factors is actually my professor's attitude over the past few days. i will stand by what i said before - he's been a good supervisor for my UROPS, honours, and even the first bit of grad studies. unfortunately, he's been pushy and manipulative in making us decide, and those are two qualities which i do not appreciate at all. i think that's his character...just that it doesn't come through so clearly or so much when discussing science. after all, the most common question we ask is "is there ee?", and that can be answered by solid evidence. in this case, the decision isn't so easily made. and the fact that he's trying to get us to "make" the decision that he's already made for us is a bit annoying. or maybe we're not reacting as planned, and he's upset. whatever the case is, i don't think it justifies using guilt and other things to manipulate us. like, he said something to the effect of, "i think you're more inclined to move labs. if so, please clear up and do a proper handover, and move out as soon as possible," and "i think i really planned too much for you all. why are you going through all the pieces of the puzzle to arrive at the same conclusion as i did?". the problem now is, i've arrived at a different conclusion. so maybe we didn't know each other as well as we respectively thought, even after 3 years. also, he keeps bringing up the fact that there's someone else waiting in the wings to take over my spot if i should choose to leave, and that i should decide fast to save my spot. i wouldn't put it past him to make this person up. after all, he seemed unnaturally defensive when i casually asked whether this person was from our group or not. logically the answer should be yes, because it would be unethical for him to take in more new students. but he was all like "none of your business", which makes me think something fishy is going on.

that's (just) the manipulative part. as for pushy, he's asked to see me once per day i've been in school to kind of remind me that time was limited, and that i should decide soon blah blah. do you know what kind of people use this kind of tactics to "force" you to agree to something? salesmen. do you know the not-so-nice answer? conmen. that's why the more pressure he exerts on me to agree, the more i want to stay away. even though he assures me that all the equipment and chemicals will stay untouched and i will have ample budget to buy stuff, i really really think there's stuff that he's not telling me. stuff like i have to tank the lab safety issues, or that i may not have much support since he'll be far away more often than not. his arguments are solid on the surface, but somehow i can start to see the cracks forming. maybe i've finally seen through him.

another serious push factor is that quite honestly, i'm not seeing a good future for myself in asymmetric synthesis. by that, i mean the research area is kind of getting saturated. to put it bluntly, the good publishable stuff has been published by my seniors. i don't blame them. it just comes down to timing. they were there when the reaction was being explored, and they got good results. with those good reactions gone, we have to dig deeper to find publishable stuff. and this deeper digging is becoming tiresome because no matter how i dig, i'm not getting anything. maybe a switch in environment might be good for me. of course, there are downsides, like having to extend my candidature. that's almost a given. i'm actually not against the idea, as long as i'll be funded. somehow my professor seems to think that graduating on time is (or should be) my #1 priority. while i agree that it's important, having this kind of disruption is bound to knock it down a few notches. the way i see it, as long as i'm getting paid, and will eventually graduate (within a reasonable timeframe of say, no more than 6 years), i can accept it, because i do have some influence over my graduation date. working harder/faster/smarter to get more results than expected should allow me to cut a few days, which may become weeks, then months, and maybe eventually a semester.

the fact that the lab culture is starting to become kind of toxic is yet another push factor. it would be foolish to think that in any given organization, everyone loves everyone else and everything is rainbows and butterflies. in short, there's bound to be friction between certain people, or even certain factions within a group. while that kind of exists to some extent in the lab, i can look past that. the thing that i can't stand is the bo-chup-ness that is exhibited by an increasing number of people in the lab. it's simple things like not bothering to stick waste labels on waste containers, not replacing pipes that are broken/leaking, not putting hazardous waste in proper areas, even being lazy to change their own gas cylinders. as the safety lead, it is my responsibility to chup these things, and it got tiresome really fast. i suppose this is transitioning into pull factors now, but if i join any other lab, there is a very low likelihood that i have to assume the position of safety lead again.

let's look at other pull factors. none of my target professors' groups have saturday group meetings, meaning that working on weekends is purely optional. the reactions which i will be asked to do are most likely not as complicated as my current reactions, and the synthetic routes are more likely to be simpler. and coming from a lab where 12-hour days are somewhat common, i'll totally spoil the market in an organometallics or inorganic lab, since the norm in those labs seem to be 8-hour days. makes me wonder why on earth i endured such horrible conditions for so long. plus, being trained in organic synthesis, i am actually pretty versatile in areas which i can go into. in fact, out of the 4 graduated phds from my lab, only one is still doing organic synthesis. but even then, he switched away from methodology to total synthesis.

all things considered, it looks like moving might be in my better interest than staying. now all i have to do is wait for the japanese professor's reply before making a final decision. in the midst of all this, i should bear in mind that everything happens for a reason. maybe someone up there thought it might be good for me to change professors. and of course, the other thing is that once i've committed to a decision, i shouldn't second-guess myself. here's hoping that i'll have the clarity of mind to choose the best path for myself.

-random thought of the day: Stressed.-

Realized that in yesterday's post, i mainly blogged about factual stuff, like what to do. i think that i should balance it out by blogging about how i feel about the whole thing. side benefit, it may help my emotional state if i vent a bit.

first off, let's identify the adjectives i would use to describe my feelings. sad, somewhat cheated/betrayed. not exactly angry. a little relieved, a little afraid. though it was never explicitly stated that my professor had to stay throughout my candidature, it's kind of implied that he'd be around to see me through to graduation. it's only the responsible thing to do. then again, i think having to move must have come as something really sudden, otherwise he probably wouldn't have accepted new graduate students for this academic year, or made such significant investments in the lab (solvent system comes to mind). of course, having spent 3 years in his lab, i definitely feel sad that i can't complete my degree under him. he's actually one of the nicest supervisors in chemistry. i'm not sure that my future professor will be as accommodating. naturally, there will be some apprehension of adapting to a new lab culture, not to mention the new people as well. thankfully, i have like 2 friends in the japanese professor's lab, and another friend in one of the organometallics labs.

one of the other grad students actually got angry with my professor, calling him irresponsible. although we started graduate studies at the same time, our reactions to the matter are vastly different. i don't exactly feel anger towards my professor...maybe some annoyance/frustration at most. could be because i didn't have to leave my home country to go to a foreign university. or perhaps i'm younger, so i don't feel like i'm lagging behind my peers, or not making enough to sustain my family. don't know if he feels that way, but that's my guess. it seems like an overreaction to me, but who knows? i may have reacted equally badly (or worse) had the roles been reversed.

the relief comes from 2 main sources: the existence of my get out of jail free card to quit NUS, and the fact that i'm moving away from the lab. the first one is probably understandable, but the second one might be counter-intuitive/paradoxical. thing is, while i like my professor and my lab culture, and even (most of) the people. as i believe i've mentioned before, my research isn't really going anywhere. maybe a change of environment, project, culture, or something else will be what i need to start churning out papers. don't want to put too much hope there, though. i guess fundamentally, the most important change is a change in mindset to something more positive and daring (to try weird experiments). have to talk to the professors first. for now, i'm still meditating on the decision. neither options nor percentages have really changed that much since the last post, so there's not much to say on that front. hopefully dinner with my JC classmate(s) will give me some other factors to consider.

-random thought of the day: Not thinking of anything in particular.-

Looks like i was right to worry after all. here's the story: due to "family issues" (as he put it), my professor will be moving back to hong kong in a year's time. although he said that there's a chance that he might not move, knowing his character, he wouldn't rock the boat unless he was 95% sure of the move. though it's not really my place to demand an answer, i really wonder what exactly the family issues are. my current guesses are (1) a sick parent, or (2) he wants to start a family. whatever the reason, the fact remains that he's going. i also wonder if he considered any alternatives, like waiting another 3.5 years for everyone to graduate before going back. but if my guess is right, he's probably considered the alternatives, and made a compromise because the issue is somewhat time-sensitive. still, i guess i should be somewhat thankful that he gave such advance notice, unlike a senior of mine, whose professor only told his students 1 month in advance that he'd be going to NTU.

as much as i trust him, a little part of me wonders if there are additional pull/push factors at play. for example, did he receive a better job offer from hong kong (pay rise and/or promotion) at the same time? or maybe he's becoming homesick. staying away for about 6 years with only short trips back might do that to a person. or perhaps it could be that the building that houses our lab is due for demolition in a couple of years, and he doesn't want to go through the hassle of relocating. guess i'll never find out, because i don't think he's likely to tell us even if we asked.

since it's established that he's going, the current priority is to decide on a plan of action. let's break down my choices. there are 2 main branches: stay, or go. for "stay", that further splits into 2 routes: find a new supervisor, or co-PI. co-PI might not be a good idea, since i'll ultimately still be reporting to my professor, who'll be based in hong kong, which means limited contact with him. and with him being physically in hong kong, he's bound to focus most to all of his attention there. and that probably means that we won't get his best research ideas. taking all that into consideration, it's risky to co-PI.

the other "stay" branch is to find a completely new supervisor. when looking for a new supervisor, there are 2 schools of thought. first, find a relatively new assistant professor, because they'll push you for papers as part of their fight for tenure. the other option is to find a super established professor, whose name may be able to get your tier x work published in a tier (x-1) journal (assuming lower-numbered tiers are better). next question is stay in the same field of asymmetric catalysis, or try to break into a different field? if i'm to stay with asymmetric, i've got someone in mind, and that same someone has also been strongly recommended to me by my professor. the reason is because he's japanese, and quite a powerful name in the chemistry world. he can basically open doors for me in japan and/or japanese companies. according to a former phd student who's now a postdoc in his group, you'll definitely learn a lot in his group, since he has literature meetings and even quizzes students randomly about reactions and concepts. while there are other professors (well, more like 1) doing asymmetric organocatalysis, i really don't want to end up anywhere else other than the japanese professor's lab, assuming i'm staying with asymmetric.

if i'm going to change field, i will probably go into organometallics. that's what a phd student from my group is now pursuing as a postdoc in israel (of all places, right?). i see organometallics as not entirely foreign, but not entirely familiar either. definitely have to pick up some new skills. there are a few (like 3) professors i have in mind if i'm going to switch. one is an assistant professor, and the newest member of the faculty. the other is also an assistant professor, who will be fighting for tenure in the next 1-2 years. the last guy is an associate professor, but still maintains high expectations of his students. will have to ask my professor to set meetings up so that i can talk with each of them and get a feel for what they do, and whether it strikes me in any way. of course, the other thing i have to look out for and remember to ask is about the lab culture, like if there are any fixed hours, days, expectations, etc. very very important to know.

surprisingly, the "go" branch also divides into 2. the first "go" option is to follow my professor to hong kong. there are so many downsides to this, it's hardly worth considering. to name 3 major negatives, it's not even confirmed whether i can go with him. the degree will be from that university, not NUS. i may have to extend 1 or 2 semesters to graduate. actually that last one isn't so bad, because it already seems like an extension will come with taking a completely new project. but it's the chance and degree things that ultimately make this route not worth further consideration. not to mention other small things like the language barrier.

one major reason i think i'm not serious about this whole phd business is that this last route even exists as a thought in my brain. this last route, of course, is to leave NUS and maybe graduate with a masters degree, or worst case, nothing at all. the scary thing is that the thought of leaving is extraordinarily attractive, and is becoming even more so as time goes by. this is literally a get out of jail (almost) free card, which i don't know if i should cash in on or not. then again, i have to remind myself that a masters degree in science isn't really worth much. but that might not matter if my future job is no longer science-related. for practical reasons (aka car loans), though, i'd probably hang on at least until next semester is over. at present, my decision is split as follows: 50% go with japanese professor, 30% change field, 20% leave. figure that i still need time to sit/sleep/meditate on this. as a somewhat unintended consequence, i've lost all mood to do any experiments this week, until i settle on a path. most likely won't be going to school either. not much point, i think. anyway, i guess i'll have to consider everything in greater detail. lastly, it's not often i ask this, but if you (yes, you who are reading this right now) have any advice/input/personal experience, drop me a comment?

-random thought of the day: Major spanner in the works.-

Sudden unexpected emails from your professor are almost never a good thing. like the one currently sitting in my inbox, which says that he'd like to meet us (graduate students and postdocs) individually, regarding a serious matter that affects our research careers. after some discussion with the chem kids, the current most likely scenario in my head is that he's quitting NUS and moving either to NTU or abroad, and wants us to decide whether to follow him or stay put. if i had to guess, i'd think it's more likely NTU than abroad, since he's already a singapore PR. the weird thing is, he only got tenure like, at the start of this year, so that reduces the odds a little. unless the offer he got was really too attractive to refuse...

another possibility is that he just wants to check that we're on the right track for our research, and maybe give pep talks to those who need it. i know i do. though if that were the case, he probably wouldn't have worded his email so strongly, or wanted to see all the graduates and postdocs. hard to say, though. he's secretive like that sometimes. if this were true, i think that might be the best case, though i'd be annoyed because he got me unnecessarily worried. somehow, i think this is quite a low-probability scenario, since this is the first time i've received (or even heard of) this kind of email in the 3 years i've been in his lab.

the third possibility that just came to mind is that he's quitting, but for other reasons, say poor health (touch wood) or a shift in priorities...like maybe he wants to focus on starting/building his family. i really have no idea what it could possibly be. hopefully, i'm overthinking, and he just exaggerated the severity. or maybe there's something wrong in the lab. but being the safety lead, i'm aware of most of the goings-on of daily lab routine, and i haven't noticed anything out of the ordinary recently. hence, i'm also not quite sure what to think.

in the event that he's leaving, though, i wonder. would i follow him, find a new professor in NUS, or just stop grad studies? to be honest, that last option looks quite tempting. maybe this will catalyze plan japan. but well. no use worrying about it, especially since i don't know what the problem is yet, or if a problem even exists. guess i'll wait and see what tomorrow brings..

-random thought of the day: Hate being kept in suspense.-

2 weeks have passed in a flash, and thankfully, there's been some progress in my research. i'm now a step closer to my substrate. admittedly, it's not as fast as i'd like, but it beats being stuck in one place. if all goes really well, i might have my molecule tomorrow. if not, hopefully by friday. once i get to the ketone, the rest is just simple functional group transformations, which can be done quite easily/quickly. don't want to get my hopes up too much though, to avoid setting myself up for an even greater fall.

speaking of hopes, today was JLPT day. the instruction was not to blog about the contents of the test, so i'll have to comply. doesn't mean i can't blog about my feelings though, right? to establish the background, i really didn't study, so i was going in like, completely unprepared. to make things worse, the last time i studied japanese seriously was a semester ago or so, for japanese 5 in may. so not only was i unprepared, i was (am) also rusty. not a good combination under the best of circumstances. this is actually the first-ever japanese test for which i know i'm not going to do well...or even pass, for that matter. even the horrible mid-term from japanese 3 didn't come close to the sense of helplessness i felt while taking the exam. but hey, it's kind of expected, what with me not studying and all. for me to pass, i'd require nothing short of a minor miracle. my (self-estimated) odds are...95% likely to fail? well, it's not really a big deal. this is on the same level of importance as a driving test. not passing immediately won't kill me, but it might make things inconvenient until i pass. although i've been telling myself that i'm ok with failing, and that i don't really deserve to pass anyway, a small part of me just hopes that i DO pass. don't know if that's optimism or foolishness, but if i had to guess, i'd say the latter.

as for the test itself, it was easily the most difficult japanese test i've taken...once again, largely because i didn't prepare well (at all, actually). the thing that killed me was probably the vocabulary. there was quite a lot of unfamiliar kanji, and even familiar kanji whose readings and meanings i couldn't recall. the reading part stunned me quite a bit, because there were so many (admittedly short) passages. language-wise, i think it was about...high-school standard? 105 minutes sounds like a lot of time, but when there are 75 or so questions, that actually breaks down to less than 2 minutes per question, which is not enough for the reading questions. that means we have to reallocate time by finishing the other sections as quickly as possible. as it was today, i finished with like only 5 minutes to spare. since i've survived NUS japanese, it should mean that listening would be a breeze, right? it wasn't. the rust must have blocked my ears up. i think i'm only confident of less than 40% of my answers. well...i guess i have about 2 months to mentally prepare myself to retake the exam, and maybe decide whether or not to sign up for prep classes.

two things kind of surprised me this weekend. first was that although i thought that i'd convinced myself that i wasn't stressed, and wouldn't be stressed going into the exam, i think i was still stressed on a somewhat subconscious level. you see, i had dinner with the animal shelter volunteers at this sushi place in liang court (amazing sushi, by the way), and midway through dinner, my nose started running. the odd thing was that it cleared up as soon as i was in the test venue today. not sure if i'm using the word right, but i think it's called a psychosomatic sickness. the other thing that surprised me today was the age distribution of the candidates. didn't care so much about the older side, but i noticed that there were a couple of kids in the room! when i say "kids", i mean literal kids...like under 12, primary school-aged kids. made me kind of jealous, thinking that kids that young could possibly pass N2, while my odds were so low. worse is that they didn't look japanese, so i don't know how they got so high-level at such a young age. maybe one japanese parent?

brief sidetrack for sushi. like i said earlier, it was amazing. like, i could actually taste the seaweed, which was still crisp! and their fish was pretty fresh. i enjoyed almost everything i tried, including scrambled egg sushi, seared salmon sushi, regular salmon sushi, oysters, chawanmushi, and some other stuff which escapes me right now. i also tried natto again, and it seems that i still don't care much for it. the taste is manageable; it's sort of like less flavourful coffee beans. but the texture...that's another story. it's often described as "slimy", but i feel that that's not enough. it's not exactly viscous, which makes it worse. i can handle thick, slimy fluids, like say, jelly or tau huay (which are not exactly fluids, but whatever). to use another more gross example, i can even handle mucus. come on, who hasn't swallowed a mouthful or two when sick/crying? but this...it's fluid enough to flow easily and coat your mouth, but viscous enough to make swallowing quite unpleasant. so...i guess it's a taste i haven't acquired, and will most likely not be acquiring anytime soon.

on the topic of opening up (refer to previous post), perhaps i may not be the best person to ask such a question. but i'll go on anyway. although i'm quite private about certain aspects of my life, i consider myself to be pretty open in other aspects. like if you want to know my birthday, address, blood type, schools attended, monthly income and certain other stuff, you just have to ask. of course, i'm not about to reveal this kind of stuff to any old person...i have to know you personally, and be reasonably assured that you're not going to misuse the information. but anyway. i recently got to know this person. well, not really recently. we've known each other for about a year now, but haven't been that close until 2 weeks ago. anyway, this person is ridiculously private...like, i don't even know their chinese name. makes me feel kind of exposed/vulnerable, since they know more about me than i do about them. what makes it worse is that they're kind of distant and distrusting. but well, after talking to some other friends, i guess as much as i want to reach out, i should do risk assessment and decide how much i'm going to invest in this. hopefully i don't end up messing myself up. goodness knows that's the last thing i need right now.

-random thought of the day: Do some people actually find joy in messing up other peoples' lives?-