20 more days until the end of the year, and end-of-year post thoughts are making themselves known in my head. but that comes later, as it always does. let's talk about some things a little closer to the present.

still having weird dreams, though i forgot what went on in most of them already. the mafia one that was briefly mentioned in the last post had something to do with thugs in purple pinstriped suits. if you've played city of heroes, these thugs looked like enemies from the faction known as "the family", which is modelled after italian-american gangsters in the 1920s, which is in turn based on the actual italian mafia. although finer details elude me, i remember that there was a strong theme of betrayal in that dream. more recently, i had a very emotionally-charged dream a couple of nights ago. not in a bad way, but more like a thriller/action-packed thing? unfortunately, i don't remember anything else about it.

interesting development in the final fantasy world - i was offered (and i accepted) a position of slight responsibility in the guild. considering that i've been a member for only...5-ish months maybe, the offer was quite surprising. it doesn't change much in terms of how i play the game, just that i'll be helping out a little more in guild events and perhaps in interacting with new members. i think i can well handle that. by some stroke of luck/fate/whatever, lawyer guy was also made the same offer, and he took it up. it doesn't say much, but i view it as good for our interaction, since we may have opportunities to work closely in future.

while on the topic of online gaming, there was a bit of guild drama over the past few days (not involving me). the way the leadership handled it was admirable, and in addition to the trust that they've shown me by offering me a minor position, i think that i may have found a permanent home in-game. even if i have to stop playing due to circumstances beyond my control (such as work, but touch wood), i think that some of the guild members would make good real-life friends too. in an ideal world, lawyer guy would be my partner, but again, reality check. another good thing that came out of this drama was that the leadership clarified that their anti-discrimination policy extends to orientation as well. what's even better is that lawyer guy was quite vocal in support for LGBT people. it doesn't say anything about his own orientation, of course, and i feel like our interaction has not yet progressed to a point where it'd be acceptable for me to ask him about it. it does give me hope, though. i also know that when i feel ready to come out to them, it'll be taken well - or at least not taken poorly. i'm in two minds about writing the next bit, because it can be used for nefarious purposes. but for the sake of education, i think i'll go ahead. for any straight people reading this, a good way to make someone you think might be LGBT feel safe, and possibly come out to you, is to show your support to the community. not necessarily to the person him/herself directly, but just general affirmations of acceptance and support. having said that, don't expect/demand for people to come out to you. it's entirely their decision. and for LGBT people reading this, exercise your ability to judge and assess a person's character. there is a certain proportion of people who may use similar strategies to earn your trust, and eventually use the knowledge of your orientation for blackmail, intimidation, etc. while i hope you never encounter such people, i feel it's also my responsibility to tell you that these people do exist, and if you're not quite ready to come out to someone yet, don't. it's probably your self-preservation instinct trying to protect you. of course, this doesn't apply to you if you're already out, loud, and proud. in which case, more power to you. i'm not quite there myself, unfortunately.

the rainy season's started! it's been raining every morning since monday, and sometimes during the afternoons/nights too. i think the temperature's around the mid-20s in the daytime? such a refreshing change from hot and humid. it did make going out these past 2 days infinitesimally more difficult, but i had lunch appointments to keep - one with the kurash people to celebrate our silver medal from the SEA games, and one super last-minute one with some of the cat high old boys. should remember that some social interaction is nice.

not much to update on work news...still in the waiting period for JET, and no reply from the chocolate place. not sure if they thought i was trolling them by applying for an apprentice position or what (it was the only opening they'd posted), but yes. it seems like nothing will come out of that. i'm disappointed, but it's not the end of the world. thankfully, the learning lab pays me well enough (relative to hours worked), and my expenses are low enough that i've been able to just tap lightly on my savings each month so far. of course, it's not sustainable long-term, and i will have to boost my savings soon. again, hopefully through JET.

did a facebook cull over the weekend. i was a bit more hard-hearted this time, and removed some people that i'd let pass through previous exercises. that resulted in my friend list shrinking by 28 people, from various chapters of life. there were a couple of main criteria - how long we hadn't interacted (mutually, of course, i don't unfriend someone just because they don't respond to my posts), and their facebook activity/content posted. notably, i either unfriended or unfollowed a lot of people from the judo world, because judo brings back unpleasant memories at this time. i used to wonder how some of my friends could bring themselves to stop after getting their black belt, because the idea of falling out of love with judo was so foreign to me then. eventually, i realized that the sport didn't change fundamentally, but that there were several other factors at play, like how the people in charge choose to run the federation. so...i think that it's time for me to formally bid goodbye to singapore judo. this step comes perhaps a tad too late, as i haven't been involved with them for the past 5-6 years. of course, i will still continue to treasure the genuine friendships that were made, although it kind of worries me that the only thing i share in common with some of these friends is judo. not sure how we'll proceed from here, but hey - if the friendship is meant to be, it'll find a way.

-random thought of the day: Blog about liking something and being good at it.-

Serendipitously, the ending of my last post (about having to teach the concept of genetic inheritance to the tuition kids) segues nicely into the topic of why i won't have kids. to fulfill a promise to myself to have that post out by the end of the year, i figure that i'd better stop procrastinating, and get to writing it. some other blogging prompts which i want to talk about (maybe in a separate post if this one gets too long) are the weird mafia dream that i had, what i discovered while cooking, and certain lifestyle changes that i have to make.

as posts with controversial opinions often do, i'll start with a disclaimer. this is my perspective, brought about by the unique combination of my experiences and way of thought. i'm not trying to discourage people from having kids. besides, this is just the rambling of some random on the internet. if reading this makes you second-guess your decision to have kids, perhaps you're not entirely ready for it? having said that, moving on!

let's start with factors affecting me personally that's led to my decision not to have kids. the most obvious one is probably the biological factor, and how it's not possible for 2 biological males to have kids. sure, there's talk about alternative methods of conception, like surrogacy, or even transforming stem cells into egg cells. but i doubt that the stem cell technology will become commercially available within the next 10 to 20 years. and even if it was possible and proven safe, i wouldn't use it either. on a related tangent to biology, i suppose we could explore genetics too. i don't think i'm much of a human specimen. i mean, sure, i'm healthy(-ish), but there's nothing outstanding about me. i don't have any useful genetic traits (such as unique antibodies in my blood) which i feel are worthy to pass on to the next generation. there's a point about passing on my way of thinking, which i'll discuss later.

the next aspect i'd like to discuss is societal/economic. i will say that i'm lucky to be born into a economically prosperous and relatively developed society. objectively speaking, being born in singapore greatly improves a child's chances of not living in poverty. i was going to say "of succeeding in life", but the definition of success is a whole other argument which i don't want to explore here. so, it may be argued that it's my responsibility to have a child as it would have a good start in life, and it would also help to boost the falling national birth rate. i'll address those points later. for now, i want to look at the negative side of having a child in singapore. firstly, with a relatively affluent society comes a correspondingly higher cost of living. last i heard, it takes over a million dollars to raise a child in singapore, from conception to university graduation. this doesn't even factor in the cost of a house, a car, or any personal expenses for the parents. long story short, unless one/both parents can make buckets of money, there is no possibility of early retirement. for me personally, being behind in terms of career and work experience, i don't think i fall into the "buckets of money" category.

there is also tremendous pressure on kids in singapore, with the bulk of it coming from academics. i am lucky to be slightly more academically-inclined, and even then, i didn't escape the education system unscathed - my bad dreams about the A-levels would attest to that. when i was growing up, it was possible to have a child start formal education at kindergarten, ie. K1 was the first time a child was placed in an organized school environment. these days, a child that starts off at kindergarten would be considered behind his/her peers. there's nursery school, pre-nursery, and even this thing called "playgroup" for kids 2 to 3 years old. it's quite scary, come to think of it. i don't think it's right/fair to subject a child to this sort of pressure. expanding on the social aspect in my specific context, i don't want kids also because there's nobody i'd trust or be willing to impose upon to take care of them. most people would say, "get your parents involved, most older folk would love to have grandkids!". if someone actually said that to me, i'd probably just laugh, maybe even derisively if that person knows me well. i mean, come on. i'm seeing a counsellor for trauma sustained when i was a child. do you think i'd entrust my kids to the source of my trauma? there's the option of hiring a domestic helper or sending the child to daycare, but i find that these routes result in less active parenting, which can be argued to be necessary in singapore these days, but which i still don't like.

other factors which don't fall into the above categories include things like my personal temperament. i know that i don't have the patience or the temperament to deal with children 24/7. sure, i can be nice and goofy with my friends' and relatives' kids, but that's only because i see them for a short while each time, so my exposure is limited. yes, i'm aware that people say that your temperament changes when you become a parent and have kids of your own, but what if mine doesn't? i don't want to produce a kid that ultimately ends up feeling/being unwanted. that would be the height of irresponsibility. like i've mentioned before, i used to want a pet, specifically, a dog. but volunteering at the dog shelter showed me how much effort, time, and money goes into taking care of a dog. can you imagine how much more effort, time, and money a kid would require? not to mention that bringing up a kid is infinitely more complex than taking care of a dog. you don't have to worry about a dog's education, or how the dog will survive after you're gone, because odds are you'll outlive it anyway. if things really don't work out, you could put the dog up for adoption, hand it over to a shelter, or in the extreme worst case, have it put down. for the record, let me just state unequivocally that i do not approve of unnecessary euthanasia of pets. back to the point i'm trying to make - you can't do any of those options for humans! well, i mean you can put a child up for adoption, but it's different. human thoughts are more complex than an animal's, and it's more difficult to undo the trauma that that would cause.

maybe we should go back to first principles and ask why people even have kids in the first place. well, the obvious answer would be to ensure the continuation of the human race. and if you're chinese, there's the added bit about continuing the family name too. while that is true, it is also not relevant in today's world. although the birth rate is falling in singapore (and several other developed societies, eg. japan), the planet on a whole is facing overpopulation. my proposed (but probably unfeasible) solution is to have people in more affluent countries adopt children whose parents may not be able to take care of them. this idea also runs into some other issues. a year or so back, i was talking to a friend whose fiancee at the time (wife now) didn't want kids. somehow, the conversation went to me asking him if he'd consider adoption, to which he flat out refused. it was kind of puzzling to me, to want kids yet be unwilling to adopt. then he explained it to me - he wanted to pass on his genes, and to have a "mini-me" whose mind he could mould and shape. while i respect his right to have his own viewpoint, i cannot agree with it. although people say that parenting is the ultimate act of selflessness, it seems to me that it can be extremely selfish as well, depending on your reasons for having a kid. some people consider their kids as "insurance policies" - they expect their kid to provide for them financially when they get old and can no longer work. the typical asian argument is that kids owe their lives to their parents, filial piety blah blah. my usual counterargument to that is that kids never asked to be born. in fact, their coming into existence is the one thing that was totally out of their control! this leads me to the logical conclusion that parents shouldn't expect their kids to take care of them. however, if brought up right, i'm sure that kids would be willing to care for their parents in some way.

it then leads to a somewhat linked thought - should all people be allowed to have kids? the reflexive answer is yes, because it seems to be a basic human right. as far as i know, no country has laws against people having kids. but if you remove all emotion and approach it from a logical point of view, some people are probably better off not having kids. the examples i can think of are people with genetic disorders, and people who are unable to properly care/provide for their kids. yet, there'll be an outcry if it's suggested that some people shouldn't have kids. in today's world, it's up to the parents to decide, i suppose. but i do find it kind of sad that any male and female with functioning reproductive systems can have kids, no matter how unprepared they might be emotionally, mentally, financially, etc. on the other hand, couples who want children but can't conceive due to whatever reason (infertility, same-sex couples) have to jump through so many hoops and pass stringent background tests before they're allowed to adopt. you may say that no couple is ever fully prepared for the challenges of parenthood, and again, i'd agree with you. i'd also say that there are different levels of preparedness. to use the analogy of going for an exam, there's going in and being sure that you'll ace the paper; going in and finding the paper tough, but knowing you'll scrape by; being uncertain if you'll end up with a pass or a fail; and knowing that you're so horribly screwed, you just start laughing at the questions. if i had my way, everyone who wanted kids would have to take a parenthood preparedness test, and have their ability to provide for their kids assessed as well. but since i don't have my way, i guess nothing will change in the foreseeable future.

having liberally doused the idea of having kids in cold water, i will, in the interest of fairness, say that under the right circumstances, having kids can be a great blessing. i'm at the age where i have some friends posting pictures of them with their parents, others posting pictures of them and their kids, and some even posting pictures of all 3 generations together. i imagine it must be immensely fulfilling to see a life that you've nurtured grow and develop. and, if parents have good values and outlooks on life, the world as a whole would benefit. ideally, the world would be full of happy families, although i do know that there's no such thing as 100% happiness 100% of the time. in fact, i was really surprised to learn that a friend of mine, who by all accounts is in a happy marriage which has produced several children, has had bad arguments with the spouse, to the point of both people screaming at each other. but i guess it's part and parcel of the whole experience.

to bring this back to my personal context, while i don't think that i'd make a good parent in terms of the day-to-day caring for a child, i do think that my ideas and values (well, most of them, anyway) are worth passing on. maybe that's why i've been involved in teaching? admittedly, i may not be able to influence students as much as i'd like due to the limited contact. but if having less influencing power is the tradeoff that makes non-constant contact possible, i'm all for it. hopefully i'll get across to a few kids, at least. i wonder, though, if there's any set of circumstances under which i'd have kids? at this point in time, i'd say that such circumstances don't exist. not even if my partner wants a child, i think. remember my friend from a few paragraphs up, the one who has differing views from his wife? ultimately, he said that while he would try to convince his wife to have kids, he wouldn't force the issue if his wife was adamant about it. his reason being that his wife is already such a major source of happiness for him, he would rather never know the experience of parenthood than give her up. i think it's a really sweet sentiment, and the one that does the least harm. it's better that he "suffers" alone than his wife and potential future child suffering, i think. his "suffer" is in quotes because apart from that, he's very happy with his situation. so, if my future partner wants kids, we'll have to have a very serious discussion. having said that, the old axiom applies - never say never. it's like 99.9% certain now, but i don't know what the future holds.

at 2241 words (and counting), this is the most i've written in a while. better sum things up and finish. again, my goal is not to discourage people from having kids. if anything, i hope that people who read this post will do lots of thinking, and carefully weigh the pros and cons of having kids before actually doing so. of course, not forgetting to evaluate their own preparedness and readiness too. above all, i hope that parents never make their kids feel unwanted, or be negative role models for their kids. saying things in the heat of the moment, or in a fit of anger is not excusable at all. but at the end of the day, whether or not a couple has kids is entirely out of my control. so don't read this and come saying that i'm deterring you from having kids. with that, i guess i'll stop this post here.

-random thought of the day: We won a silver medal!-

I would not, by any means, describe myself as a battle-hardened veteran at life. however, i think it's at least fair to say that i've had some life experience, and been through some challenging times. strangely enough, despite having gone through NS, university, and grad school, i have a disproportionately large number of bad dreams about taking the A-levels. last night, it was about the GP exam. for some reason, i'd decided not to do the essay component, and turn in a blank script. towards the last 30 minutes of the exam, i changed my mind and started panicking. by then, i had to do the AQ (application question, a mini-essay) as well, and knew that i wouldn't have time to finish both. i remember despair and panic as the predominant emotions from that dream. makes me wonder why A-levels left such an impression on me, considering that i got through just fine, and also that i've taken significantly more difficult exams since then. perhaps it's because out of all the exams i've taken, the A-levels is the one in which i performed the worst. i mean, i got a C for maths. i've never scored below a B- in university, so maybe that C is grating on me just a bit. this train of thought doesn't make much sense, though, since i failed my driving test and didn't get called for interviews for most of my job applications. so, why am i perceiving myself having failed to a greater extent for the A-levels? thankfully, it doesn't really affect me that much. while it feels bad at that point in time and just after waking up, those feelings usually clear up very quickly when i remember my current stage in life. maybe i've got to remind myself more that although i did get a C, it got me into my desired course in university, and that's good enough.

being science-trained, i do my best to think logically for all situations that i'm presented with. one of the greatest pitfalls to logical thinking is this thing called confirmation bias. i'd explain it as "looking for and accepting only what we think are the correct answers, and ignoring contradictory facts". part of a good scientific experimental protocol is to include control experiments that will eliminate this bias. but that's science. matters of the heart are just about as unscientific as one can get. so, i think you'd understand why i'm having difficulty reaching a conclusion regarding lawyer guy's orientation, just based on our interactions. most of the signs that i've picked up on point to the conclusion that he may be single and may not be straight, but that's precisely the conclusion at which i want to arrive! so, i can't trust my deduction in this case. of course, the simplest way to know for sure would just be to ask him, but that's a whole other set of complications. if it was just between the two of us, i'd probably push it a little further, but this has ramifications that will reach the entire guild. the ultimate worst case is that both of us leave the guild and never talk again, which i don't think will happen, but you never know.

it's weird, isn't it? i know that it's not worth my time to interact with people who would take issue with things like orientation. at the same time, i don't want to cause any unnecessary distress to the organization as a whole. after all, the topic of which gender i prefer to date hasn't come up in conversation, nor is it relevant to the game. i suppose that one thing that would force me to make a stand would be if there was LGBT-bashing going on, and i'm incredibly grateful that there isn't. possibly the only other situation would be if lawyer guy wants us to start dating and we have to tell the guild...but let's not get too carried away in fantasy there.

should go get ready for tuition. today's topic is inheritance, which i have to read up on as i'm not a biology person. need to go down a little earlier to mark the kids' work too. so, i guess i'd better go.

-random thought of the day: Remember to get refund for expired EZ-link card!-

Although i've been getting about 7-9 hours of sleep on average for the past few nights (normal numbers for me), i wake up feeling kind of lousy, and not quite refreshed. probably something to do with the quality of sleep, or maybe i've been waking up in the middle of a REM cycle. there were many many weird dreams too, which means that my brain was still working while my body was resting? perhaps i should adjust my sleep and/or wake-up times a little.

there's not much to update on, seeing how uneventful life has been. perhaps now's the time for me to get some thoughts out of my head, in preparation for the next phase of life, be it JET or something else. final fantasy has been taking up a large chunk of my time. it may not be productive per se, but it is enjoyable. not to mention there's the added bonus of interacting with the guy i talked about in the previous post. my impression of him hasn't changed since then - i still think that he's nice, and great to talk to. while i did say that the logical thing for me to do regarding this interaction is nothing, and to treat it as i would any normal interaction between guild members, i have to admit that i've been taking a bit more initiative in starting chats with him, offering to party together, and even making some clumsy attempts at flirting. to his credit, he's been gracious in accepting compliments, and doesn't appear to show any negative reaction. i have thought about expressing my interest to him, but my logical side always asks the same question, "what good will that serve?", and that stops me in my tracks. logically, it won't serve any good at all. or to put it another way, taking this action leads to more cons than pros. so, for the time being at least, until i've sorted my life out, i guess this will be the status quo.

it led me to think a little more along this line - why/when should people express their interest in another person? if you read NUSwhispers on any given day, you'll probably see at least one confession about someone who's hesitant to confess their feelings to another person. personally, i think that communication should be open - none of this rubbish about dropping hints or signs and praying that the other person gets it (or worse, expecting them to get it). and if you really want a relationship, take initiative. after all, the worst that can happen is that you get rejected. that is, of course, assuming that both parties are mature about the whole thing. for a supposedly smart/intelligent population, singaporeans can be incredibly childish. like starting rumours, ridiculing others behind their backs, you get the idea. it's sad that this behaviour can persist into university and sometimes, even beyond. so i do get that there's a reluctance to be vulnerable in front of others in this society.

but in my case, though, the considerations are slightly different. i don't know if he's into guys, and i don't know if he's already seeing someone. so, to confess my attraction to him would be taking a huge stab in the dark, and that is a higher risk than i am willing to take. and even if the planets align and he's into me, we'd still have to deal with the fact that i'd be moving to another country in the near future. so, long story short, it would be incredibly selfish of me, and unfair to him, if i were to take any action now. i suppose that the biggest compelling reason for me to do anything would be as a means to get closure for myself, but again, selfish. or if by some miracle i find out he's single and looking to date guys, i might consider just letting him know that i'm interested in him, but i have no expectations of us getting into a relationship, and that there's no pressure on him. that's probably the best compromise that i can see, given the current circumstances.

i've talked about it for a while now, and i think it's time that i get started on my "why i won't have kids" post. it'll probably be a huge work, encompassing perspectives from multiple angles. so, i have very uncharacteristically decided to plan the post out, using an outline to help make sure that i have all my points down. the full post will be out in another date, but here's a start on the outline:

- disclaimer (incl. own experiences)
- biological factors
- societal factors (specific to singapore)
- other factors (economic, genetic, etc)
- why have kids in the first place?
- selfish vs selfless (also, adoption)
- parenting and preparedness (maybe a bit on LGBT parenting)
- reasons to have kids (that don't apply to me)
- circumstances under which i might have kids
- conclusion

as you can see, it's going to be quite a lengthy post, hence my decision to keep it separate and to post on another day, when i have the mental focus to sit down and work on it for a few hours. for now, i think i'll work on my application to that chocolate place. yes, i've put it off for the longest time. the ad appears to still be up, so maybe that's a sign.

-random thought of the day: Be more productive!-

Need to do a quick brain dump because uncle murphy has the habit of striking at the most inopportune time. so what happened was that i went for the final fantasy guild dinner yesterday, and met a new member...who's really attractive, and a lawyer to boot! it was enjoyable to talk to him, and he seems like a really nice guy, with very desirable qualities - non-smoker and non-drinker, to name just two. my stupid brain, being...well, stupid, decided to develop an attraction for/crush on him, without knowing if he's presently partnered, or whether or not he's even into guys. he wasn't wearing a ring, for what it's worth, but even if he was into guys, and into me specifically, the timing is completely off. i doubt that i'd give up on plan japan for a relationship, and i can't in good conscience expect him to give up his career here and move because of a relationship too.

logically, i know that most likely nothing will come out of it. i guess i just have to write it down to (1) convince myself, and (2) get it out of my head. but hey, i can enjoy our interactions in the meantime, both in-game and in person. i owe him ice cream or something similar, so i can kind of look forward to that? things should be fine as long as i maintain a firm grasp on reality and don't do anything stupid. seems easier said than done, but i'll manage.

-random thought of the day: My typing skills are deteriorating.-

Yesterday was the most productive day i've had in a while. went for the first counselling appointment, and visited two embassies (with vastly different experiences). counselling first. since it was a first session, there wasn't much deep discussion/sharing. the time was most spent for the nice counsellor lady to get an idea of what issues i wanted to bring up, and to know a bit more of my background. it's acceptable/expected, i think, because it's better to have as much background information as possible before moving forward. i feel ok with her...as in i trust her to be professional and all that. the only thing that kind of unsettles me a little is that she wears a cross necklace, which means that she's christian. but until proven otherwise, i will assume that she separates religion and work. overall, i'd say that it was a positive first experience, and i'm booked for a second appointment next week.

the first of two embassy visits was to the kazakhstan embassy, where we had a brief chat about kurash. the embassy people seemed very interested to promote it among the local community, so that's a good sign. we were asked to contribute an article or something of that nature for them to share, so i'll probably have to write something for them soon. reminder to self to write in plain english for ease of translation.

following that, i went down to the japan embassy to submit my JET application. this didn't go as smoothly as i'd have liked. for starters, it was so impersonal - just dropping the papers off at the security post. i was expecting to at least interact with some embassy staff, maybe speak some japanese. perhaps i was somehow affected by the more positive kazakhstan embassy experience, where they welcomed us into a nice meeting room for our chat. but well, it was what it was. not too sure how the application will go, but based on the experience delivering the papers, my impression got knocked down a few points. i guess i experienced japanese exclusivity first-hand, but well...i should remember to not let one negative experience undo all the positive things that i know about japan and the japanese people. the result will only be out around january-ish, which gives me about 3 more months in limbo. in the event that the application doesn't go through, i have a few choices - apply again in 2020 (possibly with some added english language teaching qualifications), apply for another program, or just scrap that idea and find a job in singapore. if JET doesn't work out, my next course of action would probably be to work in japan via a private company. while i would like to apply for JET again, the application window being in october/november each year means that i'd have to wait for another 9-ish months to reapply if my application doesn't go through this round. that's a bit too long, i think.

NTUC had black garlic on sale this past week - about $3.80 for 6 bulbs. that's close to 1.5 times the price of regular garlic, but i'd been curious about it ever since i saw a youtube video on how to make it. it's basically garlic that's been exposed to low heat for a long period of time, such that the sugars in the garlic undergo the maillard reaction, turning the garlic cloves black. it tastes completely different from regular garlic, too! some words that come to mind to describe regular garlic include "harsh", "spicy", "crunchy". words that i'd use for black garlic include "sweet", "soft", "mild". while i can probably make it for cheaper, i hear the process generates a significant smell. not too keen on that. should probably grab a few more packs while they're still in stock, because i'm quite liking the taste.

on the topic of culinary adventures, my lacto-fermented vegetables have been developing nicely. there's one jar that kind of smells like cheese, which i think is really cool. the sauerkraut has a slightly alcoholic smell, probably because the balance of yeast and bacteria is slightly off. still, it should be edible. will have to work through the jars over the next few months. hoping that the fermented garlic will be ready soon, too. it still hasn't mellowed out as much as i'd have liked. well, there's still time.

-random thought of the day: Dinner plans later!-

Made good progress on my JET application package! the biggest challenge so far has been getting the letter of recommendation from my NUS japanese lecturer, but she came through in the end. unfortunately, my troubles there are not over. you see, i'm required to submit 1 original and 3 copies of most documents, recommendation letters included. she put the original into one envelope and the 3 copies into a separate envelope, which is what most normal people would do. what she didn't notice (and to be fair, that i forgot to remind her) was the instruction stating that each of the 3 sets of copies are to be collated separately. which means i need 3 envelopes with 1 copy of the letter in each. worst thing is that i can't even open the envelopes and repackage the letters myself, because the envelopes have the department stamp across the flaps, and to open them would be tampering. i'll be going down (again) to NUS tomorrow to have the nice office people sort it out. thankfully i thought ahead for once and planned on submitting my application way before the deadline, giving me ample buffer time to resolve such potential complications.

let just do a quick stocktake of what documents i already have, and what documents i still need. might be useful for future JET applicants too, if the guidelines remain the same.
- application form (1 original, 3 copies): done
- medical self-report (1 original, 3 copies): done
- doctor's statement in case of early placement (1 original, 3 copies): seeing doctor tomorrow
- authorization and release form (1 original, 3 copies): done
- statement of purpose (1 original, 3 copies): done
- reference letters from 2 referees (1 original and 3 copies each): 1 set of letters done, sorting out other set of letters tomorrow
- certified true copy of academic transcript(s) (1 original certified copy, 3 copies of the certified copy): done
- certified true copy of proof of graduation (degree) (1 original certified copy, 3 copies of the certified copy): done
- teaching or language proficiency qualification: N/A
- document of nationality (passport) (4 copies): photocopying tomorrow
- certificate of clearance (1 original, 3 copies): photocopying tomorrow

reminder to myself that staples are not allowed, paperclips only. that, and to submit the documents as-is (with no folder or binder). the plan is to hand-deliver it to the embassy this friday, or maybe even earlier. depending on how inclined i feel to get out of the house on thursday, i suppose. i don't anticipate significant difficulty in getting the remaining things done, so here's hoping everything will end well.

another thing i made progress in is counselling. by "progress", i mean that i booked an appointment, which though a small step, still counts. the counselling centre was surprisingly fast in getting back to me; i got a call back to schedule an appointment on the same day i submitted my request. i'm kind of nervous, actually. we're going to be talking about things that i've never really told anyone. i don't think that i'm afraid of being vulnerable in front of people, or of being judged in general. but these issues kind of hit deeper than most. i'm slightly relieved that the lady i spoke to was nice, and had a reassuring manner about her. it formed a good overall first impression of the centre. i hope it stays that way.

been playing a fair bit of final fantasy too. i finally took the plunge and bought a house in-game. the new updates released additional plots of land, and one thing led to another, and i have a house now after staying up until 6:30am to secure a plot of land. really getting too told for this all-nighter business. i'm not a super creative or design-y person, so i found that it was easier to get some stuff that comes in a set. fewer decisions to make. still got a long way to go as far as decoration goes; i've been running around various houses to get ideas. i've got a few things in mind, but they require significant investments of time, (in-game) money, and effort. speaking of money, it's quite interesting to experience the game's economy, as it quite closely models real life. for instance, now that more housing space is available, more people are buying houses. this means that the prices of housing items (furniture, interiors) jumped. not only that, the prices of some of the materials used to craft the furnishing items also jumped. oh, i should talk a bit about final fantasy money. the currency is called "gil", which i pronounce the same way as i pronounce the name of organs fish use for breathing. i've played this game for close to 4 years, but my subscription has been active for maybe only 2+ of those ~4 years. in that time, i've managed to save a sum of about 23 million gil. it's decent, but on the lower end of the spectrum. one of the people in the guild spent 100 million gil to relocate our guild house due to a mistake, and he's all but made it back within a week. the power of crafting and selling items that are in high demand. thankfully, i've not neglected my crafters and gatherers, and thus have avoided spending money on things which i can craft or gather myself. goodness knows i should save more, especially when the plot of land cost close to 4 million gil, and it will cost at least 10 million gil if i want to upgrade to the next-bigger house size.

on a related note, i must say that this house thing is a great way to get players to spend time in-game. housing design aside, each house will be demolished if the owner doesn't step inside for a period of 45 consecutive days. so, to avoid wasting in-game money, you have to spend real-life money. granted, it's about SGD 15 every 1.5 months if you stretch it to the limit, so it's not all that bad? i'm grateful that i'm still making enough money to be able to have indulgences like this.

should probably mention work as well. this past sunday was my one-year anniversary at the learning lab. the 2 classes i had that day went pretty smoothly, so that was nice. it's been a good experience there. didn't learn much content-wise, but l learnt a lot of other skills, like classroom management. more importantly, my colleagues there are nice and supportive, and even staff from other departments will do their best to help. i will be sorry to leave if and when the JET application goes through, but let's cross that bridge at a later stage.

-random thought of the day: Should also see the doctor about a persistent infection.-

Truth be told, things aren't going too well. in my head, i mean. i'll talk about that soon, but i want to first mention the interesting experience i had while attempting to do IC re-registration. you see, singaporeans are legally obligated to get new ICs at 3 key ages in their lives - 15, 30, and 55. they sent me the notice last year close to my birthday, and told me that i had until my 31st birthday to get it done. being the master procrastinator that i am, i put it off till 2 days before my birthday. i hadn't been to ICA for more than a year; the last time i went in was to get my passport renewed. some noteworthy changes since then are that the photo-taking service is gone, and a cluster of photo shops have popped up at the HDB blocks nearby. i wonder what caused this arrangement. from what i understand, the photo company was directly contracted by ICA, so they would crop and upload the photos that they'd taken to the ICA database without any further action needed from us. that was way more convenient than having to go out of the building again and choosing between the multiple photo shops.

anyway, i chose the nearest photo shop and after a painful 10 minutes of taking the photo, i went back to the ICA building to get the IC done. a self-service terminal became available after another another painful 10 minutes' wait (there was this lady who kept logging in and out to find her desired e-service). i finally got into the system...and was told that i was ineligible for IC re-registration. by that time, i was mildly annoyed already, so i went to get a queue number to speak with a human being. the nice lady i ended up speaking to told me that as i had replaced my IC within the past 10 years, i didn't have to do re-registration after all. it seems that re-registration is only applicable for people who have held the same IC for more than 10 years including the year of their 30th birthday. so, since i got my IC replaced in 2009, i was barely within the allowable period. the lesson i got from this is that if you've had your IC replaced at any time in your twenties, you don't have to re-register at 30. cost me $7 in photo fees, $2 in parking fees, and 1 hour of time to learn that, but at least i made the mistake so that you don't have to. i was also quite amused because the lady i was speaking to called me "ah boy". at 30 years old (well, 31 now), i can hardly be called an "ah boy" any more. but it did make me laugh a bit, so that's all good.

now, for not good stuff. despite my plans to be healthier and all that, i think that i'm still depressed. it has never felt right for me to say this, especially when i don't have many big problems, and when there are people out there who are genuinely suffering. but it's the truth that i haven't been happy in longer than i want to remember. i mean sure, there are little moments of joy and laughter, like the old boys' gatherings every saturday. it's all very temporary, though. what's more worrying to me is that the depression is manifesting in physically observable phenomena, like low energy, increased time spent sleeping, negative thoughts, and just general apathy. thankfully, i think that i'm still somewhat high-functioning, because i can still summon the energy to do things that i know need to be done, like tuition or the IC thing. i've been trying to find the root cause, and apart from things that i need to speak to a counsellor about, i've identified a couple other things. one of those things is present living arrangements. it's also part of the reason why i'm so eager to go to japan, because it'll give me a chance to live on my own. truth be told, i do somewhat envy my friends who are able to be best friends with their parents/siblings, and do activities together like going out for dinner, watching movies, etc. before you even ask, it's simply not possible in my case. to avoid too much dirty laundry being aired, i'll just say that there are irreconcilable differences. to be fair, i have never wanted for food, shelter, and money, so credit where it's due. unfortunately, bringing up a child isn't just about meeting its material needs. i should really write what "why i won't have kids" post soon. ok. target: before the end of the year.

another reason for my depression might be because there's nothing to look forward to in the near future. no work, no events. kind of bleak, isn't it? my JET application package is coming together nicely, with the only really pressing thing being a letter of recommendation from my NUS japanese lecturer. other outstanding things include getting a certificate of clearance from the police (in lieu of a criminal record), and going for a quick health exam, both of which i can settle very quickly. my personal deadline is to submit it on 05 november, so i've got a week and a bit to get all that done. definitely manageable as long as the letter gets done in time.

maybe as a consequence of the negative feelings, i've been thinking about death and suicide a fair bit. i'll just insert a huge disclaimer here that i'm not about to commit suicide. too much of a chicken to go through with it. but i have thought (on more than one occasion) that i'm wasting my life, and that my existence at this point in time is fairly insignificant. i'm willing to bet that there are so many lesser-privileged people who, in my current position, would put my skills and talents to much greater use. assuming that my skills and talents are still relevant, that is. i do think that this lack of activity contributes to how some senior citizens just kind of wither away and die shortly after retirement. too much free time on their hands with nothing productive to do. at the same time, it's hard, you know? in fact, it's especially ironic/paradoxical that my energy levels are so low despite getting above-average amounts of sleep. at night, i'll have some things i want to do the next day planned out - like go to the gym, get groceries, cook, whatever. but when i wake up the next morning, i just stay in bed doing goodness knows what until it's mid- to late afternoon. by then, i probably only have enough time to do maybe 1 of the 3 or 4 things that i'd planned for. honestly, i don't know what i can do to break out of this cycle. my usual self-talk doesn't work, and it just seems easier to stay in my room and let time pass. i don't like using this word, but i see no better description - it's pathetic.

on the topic of death and dying, though, i've also wondered what my last post on this blog will be, how it will look like, etc. of course, if nature takes its course, i will never know what my last post will be. it might even be this one, if i meet an untimely end in the near future. i did think of scheduling a post that would only get published by a certain date, and extending the publish date manually for as long as i'm alive. that way, it would only get published if i was unable to extend the date, and therefore serve as a last post. i further thought about what i'd write, and therein lay the problem. i don't know how my circumstances will change in the future! i may feel differently about some things, or meet other people, so it doesn't really make sense for me to pre-write anything. well, since i don't intend to take my own life, and given my relatively young age, i hope that i won't have to worry about this for many more years to come. or maybe i'll find a better way to do it.

i read an article that talked about the phrase "anything worth doing is worth doing poorly". motivational speakers and/or people who've been in the army are more accustomed to the version of this saying that ends with "well". but i didn't make a mistake, this version applies too. imagine this. you're supposed to jump out of bed every morning, brush your teeth, shower, and face the world with a smile. but when you're weighed down with negative thoughts and feelings, even climbing out of bed and standing up can be an achievement. i guess i should aim to do things poorly for a while, because some progress beats no progress.

perhaps another cause for this depression is that i'm aimless. up till grad school, my choices seem to have been laid out. that's not to say i didn't choose my direction up to this point, but i've always had a compass and safety barriers. like, i knew that i wanted to pursue chemistry. and to do that, i knew that the route for me would be JC. but now, after graduating, there are so many choices! obviously, something related to my degree would be ideal, but i'm afraid that i won't measure up. to this day, i'm still half convinced that i don't deserve my degree. the experience at the IP firm didn't help things, but at least i have an excuse that the legal aspect of the job is outside my expertise. i've really been questioning my purpose in life. there's this japanese term called ikigai, which translates to "reason for living". it's when that thing has all the aspects of: something you're good at, something you like, something that earns you money, and something that fulfills a need from others or society. i used to think that mine was chemistry, be it doing it or teaching it, but i've had to reevaluate that. i think what's missing from my 4 aspects is "something you (i) like". no, let me rephrase that in the context of my tuition job. i like teaching kids. but i don't get fulfillment from it. because at the end of the day, all i'm doing is preparing them for exams. in my almost full year at the learning lab, i think i've only met one student from whom i can feel the passion/love for chemistry. and i wasn't the one responsible for lighting that spark either! will teaching in japan be different? i honestly don't know. i'm just hoping that the students there will have a different perspective of learning.

based on the above paragraph, i wonder if giving myself an aim will help to dispel this depression? or at least it'll keep my mind busy enough to not dwell on negatives. i'm considering sending in an application to work at an SME, one that makes chocolate! i figure that it'll give me something to do, some extra cash, and let me be around one of my favourite foods. provided that they do decide to take me on, that is. well, it's worth a shot anyway.

-random thought of the day: Nothing comes to mind.-

Finally got into the gym yesterday. it was good to move my body again, although i'm aching like mad today. i think it's time i changed my approach to this fitness thing, to take a bit more responsibility and to be more independent. like figuring out what exercises to do, calorie intake, etc. i mean, this should be easy compared to research, right? and considering that i know my own body and my own limits, i think it would be more productive for me to design the program myself. of course, the downside is that i don't have experience in this, and therefore it may require a longer period to find something that really works. in that spirit, i've also bitten the bullet, and done a full-body analysis with the machine that sends electrical currents through your body. i don't know how it compares to the manual method that's preferred by the genesis coaches, but there's a huge discrepancy in the numbers. i think that i'll stick to this method of measurement for consistency. not going to post the numbers here, because they're horrifying. i had a brief chat with one of the trainers there, who was nice enough to suggest some stuff. he did mention physical training packages, though i'm thankful that he wasn't pushy in selling them. my preliminary idea is to base my calculations on the target of losing 1kg per week.

on the food front, my fermentation projects have been yielding good results. i got a little ambitious and did 4 jars of stuff for a first run - cabbage (sauerkraut); celery, carrots, and baby corn; cauliflower, onions, and garlic; and one jar of pure garlic. among these 4 jars, i think the onion/cauliflower one smells the best. it's smells meaty/savoury, despite not containing any meat. not sure how i'm making that association. perhaps because onions are usually served as a side to meat? the fermentation's been going on for about a week now, and the vegetables have all acquired a pleasant sour tang. i've been testing their flavour on and off for the past few days and haven't fallen sick, so i think that i'm doing something right. the plan is to work my way slowly through the jars, then refill them with vegetables once they're just about empty. to my knowledge, the fermentation brine should be good indefinitely, unless something gross starts growing on it. the garlic needs to go way longer, though, the sharp pungent taste was still present when i last tried it a few days back. fermented drinks are going well too - i found a cycle that works for me for both kombucha and water kefir (4-5 days for the former, 2-2.5 days for the latter). i think that having these things to maintain gives me something to keep myself busy with.

there are a couple of important things coming up. SEA games (based on the lack of info to date, i doubt i'll be refereeing), hopefully getting an interview with NUS, and finding a good time to re-register for my IC. the deadline is before my 31st birthday, which means that i still have a few days' timeframe to get it done. should probably aim to do it within this week, maybe thursday. if past experience has taught me anything, it's that i should be prepared to spend a lot of time at the ICA building.

you know, i realize that i've been working on the assumption that (at least) one of my current plans will work out. the thought of complete failure hasn't really crossed my mind. but in the event that NUS and JET both don't happen, there's still the private company route. it's less optimal in terms of effort-to-earnings ratio, but hey, it's a way forward. i should know the outcome of the NUS thing by this week, and my plan is to submit the JET application by mid- to end-october (assuming i turn down the NUS offer). i think things will work out, one way or another. just have to revise my statement of purpose a little more, and see that i have all other relevant documentation.

on a semi-related tangent, i still haven't downloaded any dating apps. somehow, i feel like meeting more people, but at the same time, i don't want the potential drama and conflict that can accompany meeting new people. i'm really too old for that stuff. i did think about finding a gym buddy, for additional motivation to go to the gym. we don't even have to spot each other or work out together. just having that presence and the "obligation" (for lack of a better word) to go down would be helpful enough for me. maybe i'll start exploring this in more depth when i feel my motivation flagging again.

-random thought of the day: Having allergic skin reactions to something again.-

Got some bleh news just now - that my job application at my cousin's workplace is unlikely to go through, because there are other candidates further along in the recruitment process. i am kind of bummed and upset about it, but let me make it clear that i'm not upset with my cousin at all. what upsets me is that i didn't even get a chance for an interview, and that i'm not able to secure what looks and sounds like a great job with great benefits. i was told that they'd keep me in mind and that they'd consider me for other positions in the future, but i don't know if they mean it, or if that's just polite talk to get rid of candidates who they didn't hire. regardless, it's not something to dwell on.

interestingly enough, another job offer came in just today, from a professor friend. it's for a department in NUS, but not chemistry. the job scope is related to research, but different enough from actual research that i'll have to learn quite a lot of stuff. nothing i can't handle, i think. of course, i know that this job isn't guaranteed either, and i suppose it wouldn't hurt to just go for the interview and see what it's all about, and find out about other aspects of the job as well. it's a one-year contract, though, and i don't know if there's potential for extension. but let's not think that far ahead yet.

tying in to the previous post about the typical singaporean psyche, i read an article about how to write a letter that will be published in the straits times forum pages. granted, the straits times isn't worth the paper it's printed upon, so having your view aired there isn't much to shout about. anyway. the article mentioned something about "entitlement" and "aggressive stupidity", which i think are adjectives that i've been unknowingly looking for to describe typical singaporean behaviour. it might be easier to tackle each one separately. entitlement is defined as "the belief that one is inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment". what constitutes entitlement? in today's society, it's a bit hard to tell. like, is it entitled of me to expect the internet service (which i paid for) to be available whenever i need it? possibly, given that occasional disruptions are inevitable. this entitlement thing (or fear of being labelled/seen as entitled) has kind of given rise to a thing on reddit called "am i the asshole?" or AITA for short. it worries me, that people are unable to determine that for themselves these days. as for aggressive stupidity, it's like the example i cited previously about people blaming the telcos when it was a construction company's fault. what's worse is that some people make leaps of logic and end up forming incorrect correlations and conclusions...although that might not be a problem that's exclusive to singapore. on a whole though, i do think that singaporeans are entitled to some degree, perhaps partially due to the asian idea of elders always being right regardless of the facts. and somehow, people expect others to give way to them. many people have said it before me - first world infrastructure, third world citizens. it still holds true.

kind of troubling that lots of undergrads (and people in general) have been in the news for outrage of modesty offences lately. i wonder though, is it that more people are committing these offences recently, or that more people are getting caught? the first would be more worrying, probably. i said it before while talking about the NUS undergrad case - i don't understand why they do it. are they so bored or so in need of new stimulation that they have to resort to such extremes? the sad thing is that most of them are decent-looking, and should have no trouble finding a partner, who would probably engage in M18 activities consensually. i guess it also shows that perverts come in all shapes and sizes. what's the cause, though? are we too repressed as a society? maybe it's the stress from overemphasis on work and results. japan seems to suffer from a similar problem. the judgement/sentence from one of these cases caused a public outcry, because the offender was given a slap on the wrist as he had good grades. i know singapore is supposed to be a meritocratic society, but this is going a little far, isn't it? it gives the school a bad rep too. now the running joke is that NUS students are above the law and needn't fear punishment. sigh.

i'll just end the post here. it's a little abrupt, but i don't think i'm the the proper frame of mind to blog any more. should probably do the post on why i won't have kids; that's been rattling around in my head for a little too long now. given the aforementioned development in the job hunt, i guess i'll send my resume to my professor friend and see what comes out of it. the JET application is still on, by the way, so best case is that just one of them goes through, so that i don't have to reject anyone. worst case is nothing going through, but let's not think of that.

-random thought of the day: Fermentation is fun!-

An internet outage causes me to not know how to start this post. i'll explain - you see, i have this weird habit of not having two consecutive posts start with the same letter, and i try to give minimum 5 posts' interval before i re-use a letter to start a post. this weird habit is something that i don't think i've ever mentioned, so good job if you caught it. if you look back for perhaps the past 10 years' worth of posts, i doubt that you'll find more than 5 instances where two consecutive posts begin with the same letter. just some random trivia. let me just talk you through what i've been up to recently.

still haven't been very successful with gym plans. somehow, there's this inertia towards gym-going. like, it's really easy to find excuses for things that you don't want to do. "i don't feel well", "it'll be too crowded", "i'll feel uncomfortable in there", "i'll look so unglam/gross" if you can name it, i've probably thought of it. it's kind of a catch-22 situation. not going to the gym means that progress (if any) will be slow, and the slow progress (if any) will just be more demoralizing. i've got to break this cycle, perhaps starting with gymming at odd hours. i'll let you know how that pans out. food journalling is coming along well enough, it's good to have a written record to refer to. and the sense of guilt when writing down some less-than-ideal choices helps to maintain discipline when looking back on those entries. still can do way better, though.

maybe it's my chemist hands itching, or my desire for better digestive health. either way, i've restarted some fermentation projects. in addition to my previous kombucha (which survived about 3 months' neglect), i've also started keeping a water kefir culture, and am looking to start some lacto-fermented vegetables. i think that this also kind of helps with my eating, because what i realized recently is that the ease of access to food is the number one factor for me when the urge to eat strikes. if i have something unhealthy but microwaveable vs. nice but frozen healthy food (eg. piece of fish), odds are i'll choose the microwaveable thing because it can be prepared more quickly. so, i figured that having something healthy and ready in the fridge would do me some good. as far as healthy eating goes. i've tried raw vegetables, which are ok, but not that exciting. hopefully this fermenting thing pays off. one worry i have about it, especially the fermented drinks, is that there may be residual sugar present. sugar isn't that good for you, after all. i keep thinking that i taste sugar, though i'm not sure how much of that is my paranoid self knowing that there was sugar there at the start. like most things, i guess some monitoring over time is in order.

i'll just talk a bit more about the internet outage, and some interesting things that i noticed. to begin, it was because some construction company had cut the fibre optic cables that bring the internet to us end-users. the internet was out for about 4 hours for me, and on a saturday, too! not that the day of the week makes any difference to me, but it sure does to working people who experienced it. thankfully, mobile data was still available. so, i went to check the telcos' social media pages for updates. singtel, starhub, and m1 all reported having users affected by the outage, so i thought that it was quite a fair test to see how each telco responded. my personal rating in terms of best to worst response: singtel, starhub, m1. singtel was pretty prompt in updating its users, and even said that it would waive data charges for the day as service recovery. starhub provided prompt updates. m1's updates were slower than the other telcos by about 2 hours, and their social media team kept posting template replies which did not address the users' questions. in fact, there was a user who actually predicted the template that would be posted to another user's comment, and got it 90% correct. so yes...m1 has some way to go in terms of customer interaction. i don't know if it's entirely their fault, though. it seems like they're the smallest out of the big 3, so they may receive updates later?

whatever the case, i'm sure that m1 wasn't responsible for the outage. and i did feel a little bad that they had to bear the wrath of the public. which bring me to the next point...that in times of crisis, people just want a scapegoat. apparently, internet access is an essential in today's world. initially, i was angry at the telco too. but upon further thinking, i realized that i should be angry with the ones who caused the problem, ie. the construction company that cut the cable. i can understand peoples' frustrations, though, and their desire to vent at the nearest available thing that's remotely associated with their inconvenience. although i also do feel that m1 could have exercised better crisis management. personalized, constructive replies instead of template answers, and being more prompt with updates on the situation are the two main areas of improvement that i can identify for them. but back to my main point...it's a little scary how irrational people can be. like, there were people demanding discounts, compensation, you name it. personally, i think that the construction company should be fined, and the fine used to offset a day's charges from affected customers' bills. it seems that this is a relatively frequent occurrence, too. according to statistics published by netlink trust (the fibre operator), there have been 23 such cable cuts in the past 5 years. that translates to about one cut every 3 months. considering that there are good practice rules/guidelines in place, i think that's a little excessive. anyway, i just hope that this thing happens infrequently enough that people affected can be patient about it.

-random thought of the day: Slack weekend.-

Despite having a fair few things on my mind, i'll make this post as short as i can because i've got 3 classes (totalling 6 hours) later/tomorrow. the first class is at 9:00am, which means that i really should be in bed right now. but like what they say about stomachs, going to sleep on a full brain probably isn't that good for health. i'll just do summary points for each day of the week.

monday: got copies of my degrees and transcripts certified, grateful for the helpful photocopy lady. did grocery shopping, attempting to get back on the healthy eating bandwagon. decided to do it a little differently this time, with dedicated pescetarian days, as well as ovo-lacto-vegetarian days. will still have regular eating days, of course.

tuesday: dinner with big brother figure and other friends. explored don don donki (originally don qixote from japan) at city square mall. sent big brother figure and his art supplies home, had a nice long talk with him. contemplating downloading tinder and/or more LGBT-oriented dating apps. still don't understand why people say i'm good-looking.

wednesday: watched kurash training. will reserve my comments about that here. talked with the kids. again, will reserve comments. rediscovering sudoku. started a food journal, which helps to use a notebook, and gives me a better picture of what i ate on a given day. today's (saturday's) entry won't look good.

thursday: delivered some SEA games forms to SNOC. our point of contact was nice. photocopy shops are disappearing.

friday: didn't go out. didn't do much, actually. not ideal.

saturday: lunch with kurash friend. worked out solutions to issues discovered on wednesday. checked out the virgin active branch at paya lebar quarter. not impressed. went to my previous workplace, first time since the day i left. season parking is still active, but is likely to expire at the end of this month. had dinner with the guild members from final fantasy. everyone's nice in general. looking forward to the chalet in a few days' time. saw an old photo of the ex. it's been about 2 years since we broke up. still no desire to get back together. he was/is decently physically attractive, but that didn't make up for other things. at this point, i'm basically indifferent to him. no desire to know more about his situation at all. gay trivia: what do you call a person with a nice body but an average/below average face? a prawn, because you throw the head away and eat the body. i'm not even making this up; this slang is quite well-known and widely-used.

looking forward: long day of class tomorrow. thankfully it's mock test season. that means a ton of marking to do, though class time is relatively easier. thinking of trying water kefir, going to pick up some starter tomorrow from a nice donor. it's less of a hassle to brew than kombucha. my kombucha cultures are probably dead by now. need to start eating better and hitting the gym. should make use of whatever limited season parking that remains at my former workplace. reminder to revise statement of purpose and finish JET application form. still holding out for a miracle at the job opening my cousin recommended.

now, bedtime. may or may not elaborate on these points in the future.

-random thought of the day: The car's dusty again...-

Catching you all up on recent (or not-so-recent, by now) events, there was a birthday party, a diplomatic function, meeting my cousin, and stationery shopping. i went out to do some stationery shopping to improve my mood and as another reason to get out of the house. at the stationery shop, i tried out a couple of pens which i saw reviews of on the internet. the first one was a pretty standard model with what was described as a "silky finish". it did feel good in the hand, but there was nothing really exciting about it. the second pen was more exotic - made out of lava rock, palladium nib, innovative capping system. all those bells and whistles came with a $970 price tag, which is way way above my financial comfort zone, and would still be so even when i was working full-time. in the end, i got some notebooks (again!) and a pretty nice leather notebook cover. not the wisest of purchases, probably, but i figure i can still afford it. i also got a few more vacuum-filler pens, in the clear finish, instead of blue. reason is because i tend to match pen and ink colours, or at least have them reasonably close. like, black ink in a blue coloured pen is ok, but not say, red ink in a green coloured pen. maybe it's because i grew up with commercial ballpoint and gel pens, which are mostly colour-coded according to the colour of ink they contain. anyway, having a clear pen is useful, because there's no colour associated with clear. in fact, the ink kind of gives the pen its colour, if you think of it that way. i've got red ink and a medium nib fitted in a clear pen right now, and i've been enjoying the writing experience so far. just that i have to be careful of the paper that i use, because the medium nib puts down a lot more ink than my usual fine or extra-fine nibs. not too sure if i want to mess around with broad nibs at this point. good thing is that the nibs on these pens that i have are interchangeable, so i can just buy a loose nib for experimentation purposes. now, if only more places in singapore sold nibs...

a couple of weekends ago, i went to my big brother figure's birthday party, at mcdonalds. you can infer by my form of address that he's a few years older than me. and if you know my age, you'd probably be surprised that a grown man wants to celebrate his birthday at a place known for holding kid's parties. but well, it's how he wants to spend his birthday, so who am i to judge? he's actually one of a few people who i consider as a "cheerleader", someone who will stand by and support me no matter what. i mentioned plan japan to him, and while i don't think he's against me going, he did advise me to consider how that would affect my career, and my financial goals. he thinks that this kind of thing is more suitable for someone fresh out of undergrad, to gain some experience and live life a little at that younger age. i have previously thought long and hard over the points that he brought up, and consequently don't think i'll be changing my mind about my decision to at least apply. the party itself was very interesting. that was actually my first-ever mcdonalds party. yes, i know. no childhood. it was quite well-organized, with party games, food, and a birthday cake. not something i'd want for myself, but to each his own, right?

you'll know that i'm not really at a diplomat-level position, but due to our dealings with the uzbekistan embassy for kurash, my friend and i were invited to their celebration of uzbekistan's 28th independence day. we got to meet the ambassador, and briefly updated him on the kurash situation in singapore. he seems to be excited to work together with us to promote the sport! the event itself was nice. it reminded me of the parties that we were invited to in uzbekistan, albeit significantly toned down due to it being a diplomatic event. the food, too, was very similar to what i'd tasted in uzbekistan, though i'd say that the food in uzbekistan still tastes better, probably because it's more seasoned/spiced. we also did some socializing, and met with a few other interesting people, one of whom appears to be a leading figure in cybersecurity and AI development. what struck me the most about our conversation was that i could sense his passion for his area of specialization in the way that he talked. i was telling my friend that i hoped that i could one day talk about something the way that this guy talked to us about the future of computing.

unfortunately, the event involved getting dressed up, and that was quite...unpleasant for me. i typically don't like wearing a suit, but i normally tolerate it. that's not the bad bit. the bad bit was realizing that my clothes were beginning to feel tight. it's not a good thing under the best of circumstances. what made it worse was that i had had these clothes made to measure earlier in the year! it definitely doesn't feel good, especially given that i already have preexisting weight to lose. i'll have to admit that that's caused some additional self-loathing. it might not be all that bad, actually. while i have to disclaim that excessive self-loathing isn't healthy, it can be a good source of motivation when present/felt in an adequate amount. you see, people often stay within their comfort zones, unless/until something forces them to venture out. while that something can take many forms, i guess that it can generally be described as dissatisfaction with the current situation. ideally, it would be positive, like the desire to do/be better. often, it's negative, like not being able to accept the current status quo. i guess that means i should really start those gym plans.

preparations for plan japan have been progressing decently. reached out to get recommendation letters and some other documentation, and i've filled out the application form. the statement of purpose has seen its first draft, though i still need to do some pruning and trimming to meet the page limit. probably won't go for the english teaching courses, due to cost and another consideration upon which i'll elaborate below. based on current projections, things should come together around early october, well ahead of the mid-november deadline.

spent some time with my cousin and his family yesterday. it was nice talking to my cousin-in-law, as well as seeing my niece. she's growing up and developing well, perhaps slightly behind in motor skills, but her mental development is fairly advanced. like, she's begun saying tentative words, the most complicated being "flower" and "purple", though i don't know if she knows what they mean. she's also using handsigns to communicate ideas like "please" and "more", which i find to be really cool! she's also really good with sharing her food (she kept offering me pasta, edamame, and various vegetables from her dinner), and can walk with support. and to think she's only 15-ish months old!

while i was visiting, i also had a late real dinner with my cousin. we discussed a wide range of topics, including some of our childhood traumas, which i think he has to find a way to deal with. i'm not judging him, by the way, because i've got my own battles to fight regarding childhood trauma too. he did mention that the organization he works for is looking to fill a position, and he feels that i may be suitable for it given my long years in an academic environment. i didn't think of applying at first, partially because the job listing was not published on the usual job portals - it was just on the school website. after giving it some further thought, i think that there's no harm in sending my resume in. something about not keeping all of one's fragile possessions in a single receptacle. that doesn't mean that i will slacken in my JET application, though. one important lesson that i need occasional reminders of is that life isn't a zero-sum game. it is possible to focus on multiple things and give maximum effort in all of them, within reason, of course. besides, having more options is usually a good thing. there's no guarantee that i'll get accepted for any of the things that i've applied for, so increasing the number of things applied for reduces the odds of total failure. and based on what my cousin says, the job doesn't sound too difficult. so, let's see what happens.

forgot where i've heard it, but there's a saying that goes "a cluttered desk betrays a cluttered mind", or something of the sort. i realized that while i was feeling down, i'd neglected the cleanliness of most things around me. so, i did a few things that i'd been putting off - get a haircut, wash the car, and clean up my desk. it felt good, especially caring for the car. i don't remember the last time i sent it for a wash...come to think of it, it might have been more than a year ago. mild feelings of guilt. oh, i got the air-con looked at. thank goodness it was just a fried relay, which was relatively cheap to fix. more cleanup plans next week, plus gym. meanwhile, i've got a last-minute cover class tomorrow at JEM, not the usual united square location. i've become so used to having cover classes in united square that i left my stationery there. will have to adapt to the situation somehow.

-random thought of the day: Remember to shred certain documents.-

Kung fu movies and shows often have a very cliched character trope - of an easygoing, sometimes old and bumbling person who turns out to be a powerful/highly skilled master. normally, having watched this kind of shows growing up, i can see them coming a mile away. that's why it was rather jarring to discover a real-life example in my close social circle. of course, the kung fu thing is a metaphor, but the idea still applies.

this person is actually my mentor figure from the old boys' group. based on snippets of conversation on saturday mornings, i'd had an idea that he was really successful in his career and life in general, talking to him one-on-one on a deeper level today allowed me to better appreciate just how sharp he is. it was really disconcerting, because he appears so relaxed and carefree. of course, that's because he's been retired for over 10 years, and my interactions with him are by far and large in casual/informal settings. back when he was working though, he demanded excellence from both himself and his subordinates, to what i feel is a really scary extent. in contrast, his expectations of his staff made my stint at the IP firm seem like a walk in the park. somehow, he succeeded in doing what i couldn't - to make the negative experience less negative, and to get me to focus on the learning points instead. it's weird, because i knew the points, but just couldn't seem to internalize them properly. perhaps what i needed was to have someone i respect/trust tell me what i know that i need to do. it's weird, right?

another takeaway i got from the conversation is that i have to have more self-confidence, and to up my game in general. i realized how far below the maximum potential of a person of a similar calibre and circumstance i am currently performing at. there are many areas of improvement that i have to consciously work on, including the way i handle questions, the way i present myself, and the way i interact with people. i'm grateful that my mentor figures recognize my inexperience due to my current stage in life, and give me some concession. still, that's no reason to not push myself further. i think that what's missing for me is a reason for motivation, aka. something to light and sustain that inner fire. it's different for different people. to name two memorable reasons i know about, my mentor figure's reason was to win face for his mother, and my aunt has this interesting story about a cockroach at a bus stop. but whatever the reason a person chooses, i guess that the most important thing is that the person believes in that reason.

to add on to the sign-laden day that today has become, the JET applications opened up. i've already made initial steps to put my application package together, including obtaining relevant paperwork. the statement of purpose is still outstanding, though. have to start work on it soon-ish, like tomorrow. in addition, one of my colleagues from the learning lab (the guy to whom i handed over the class) gave me some useful advice regarding applying to the JET program. one thing he mentioned was that it might be useful to have some english teaching qualification, which i hadn't really considered acquiring. i'm still kind of on the fence, mainly due to cost issues. with the busted car air-con, i'm finding that i'm bleeding money again. well...there'll be ample opportunity to get the certification before the actual JET start date.

for the first time in a month, i feel hope. more importantly, i feel conviction. i'll have to keep it going, though, and part of that involves watching my tone. i've got the tendency to default to unsure and pessimistic language - which i'd previously thought was in line with my "cautiously optimistic" mindset - but may not be the best for me in the long term. from now on, i'll have to think in a more convictive (is that a word?) way. i'm looking forward to tomorrow.

-random thought of the day: Have to post a more regular update on events!-

Weird dream log #?? - i was with some cat high old boys and our teacher, and i had to send the teacher home. he wanted to drive my car for some reason, and ended up scraping it into a wall, where the driver's side mirror came off. i was furious. odd thing that it was a white toyota wish, not my actual black civic. then, i had a job interview for some high-powered finance position, introduced by one of my JC classmates, who's a real estate agent in real life. it was at a HDB-looking building, but with a very posh interior. for some reason, i was in workout clothes, and had to go somewhere to change. that somewhere turned out to be a virgin active branch. i got changed, and went in for the interview. think i aced it, but i'm not too sure.

just had to get that out of my mind. the next post is going to be significantly longer and heavier. there are some things which i'm overdue to face.

-random thought of the day: Have to start somewhere.-