Pushing the bad thoughts to a later post, because there is one last-ditch attempt at a resolution. this post, i want to talk about the health checkup that i just had. mild grossness warning ahead, you may not want to be eating while reading.

before the checkup, i was asked to collect stool samples. never having done that in my life, i was a little apprehensive. like, should i go in a bucket to make it easier? i shouldn't have worried, because the collection kit that they provided had everything: a piece of strong yet flushable paper to place into the toilet for a dry/elevated surface, collection swabs and individual locking containers. i had to do it twice over 2 days and while it was gross, it wasn't as gross as i'd feared.

the checkup process was pretty efficient; i was never kept waiting for long. the basic checkup was 7300 yen or so, but i decided that since i'm 35 and rumour has it that it's all downhill from here, i should add on a few more things just to get a better idea of what's going on with my body. that brought my total to just over 21000 yen. it's a lot to pay, but at least i can afford it, and it's "buying" important knowledge. there were so many stations with no set order, i forgot most of what i did already. highlights include getting blood drawn, submitting a urine sample, going for an ultrasound scan, CT scan, chest x-ray, a vision and hearing test, having a picture taken of the inside of my eye, and the most interesting one, getting onto a machine that positioned me at various angles and took x-rays (i assume) of my digestive system. the machine even flipped me upside down! i told the technician operating it that it was actually kind of fun, almost like an amusement park ride.

the results were good and bad. good because the doctor said that i'm mostly healthy, bad because the doctor said that i'm mostly healthy. as expected, my weight is an issue, as is my abdominal circumference. apparently that's a metric now. the 2 things that were new to me were: (1) i have 6 gallbladder polyps. nothing to worry about at this point, but i should worry if they get bigger. google tells me that they're mostly benign, and the risk of cancer developing is 0.5% or less. they could very well just be cholesterol deposits, which links to (2) my LDL (bad cholesterol) levels are high! i don't remember the figures off-hand (should have taken a picture of the results screen) but i believe the level of LDL in my blood is about 1.5 times the upper limit for a healthy/normal individual?? i'm tempted to blame the kobe beef meal, but i know that it's something that happened over time. i guess i've been too liberal with the use of animal fat in cooking. my fault; i was under the mistaken belief that animal fats contained good fat as well, so they were safer to use. the main risk of elevated LDL levels is plaque buildup in the arteries. lucky that the checkup also said that my blood pressure is normal, and my blood vessels are comparable to those of a person in their late 20s. so the way i see it, i'm ahead by 5 years or more. of course, i don't want this condition to persist, and i'll take preventative steps.

on the bright side, it's not super serious (yet), so i don't have to swear off high-LDL foods. good thing, too! the list of foods high in LDL reads a little like a shopping list i might make - dairy (especially full-fat dairy products), red meat, organ meats, animal fat (saturated fat), processed meat, eggs, shellfish, etc. telling me to give up all those would be...difficult. i was going to say "a fate worse than death", but realized that it's an exaggeration. if the doctor told me to never eat steak again or i'd die, i'd probably obey it...then have a super atas steak as a last meal. so, the plan moving forward is moderation paired with exercise. otherwise, i'd say i'm doing pretty good, diet-wise! i already don't smoke or drink alcohol, keep myself hydrated with water (minimal sweet drinks), and try to cut back on sugar wherever possible...although i may not have been super successful with all my baking projects! but well...i know what to do. all that's left is to do it.

they also gave me a few post-checkup instructions. as part of the fun spinny stomach x-ray, i had to drink some barium compound. didn't taste like much, kind of like a vanilla milkshake that went very very light on the vanilla. there was also a fizzy powder that they told me to swallow together with the barium compound - no idea what it was. barium apparently causes constipation, so i have to take laxatives to make sure i don't get blocked up. i think i'll be fine. which reminds me, i'm due for my next course.

laxative break over! the checkup also included lunch, which i thought was nice. they brought me to a private lounge-like area and gave me a super elaborate lunchbox, definitely above anything i'd get in singapore as part of a medical checkup. i also had fun trying out the powdered miso soup packets, and the drinks machine had oolong tea, green tea, and onion soup as choices. interesting, that last one. it was nice though. good onion flavour, not too salty. the japanese really know how to take care of people!

since it was probably my last trip to kochi city, i also visited a few shops. nitori, to collect a cover for the blanket that i'll be shipping back. since i was in the vicinity, i also went to the nearby stationery shop to use some vouchers...only to realize that i left the vouchers in my wallet at home. so smart! at least it was for a few tens of yen, 100 or 120 at most. still ended up buying a notebook/journal. not that i need more of them. so much for thinking that i'd write more while on JET! i don't think i've even filled up half of a notebook in 3 years and 5 months. this journal runs till june 2025, so i'll get more than a year's use out of it. and maybe i can use it as my hard limit for the UK if nothing comes through. the last stop was aeon mall, where i bought some instant noodles from kaldi to prep for the last few days. i'll probably stop cooking with fresh ingredients next thursday or friday, and just boil water for various instant foods from then until departure.

progress check! i've decided that i'm going to be shipping a big box back, in which will be my blankets, futon, and maybe a couple bags of clothes. that should free up space in my suitcases. cleaning went well yesterday; i tackled a big project, which was degriming the dining table. baking soda is really a miracle cleaner. i'll have to remember it more. i have about 8 days where i can hole up at home and do stuff uninterrupted, so the plan is to get at least one big project done per day. preferably 2, but we'll see how that goes. as far as cleaning goes, i have to clean the bath and toilet, degrease the stove and surrounding walls, clean the top of another shelf, put the dishes and other cutlery away, and yes, finish the packing. i think it'll be fine. the main thing now is to stop using my credit cards so that the payable amount can be finalized.

more immediately, today and tomorrow are my last 2 days in the small and big schools respectively. i'll be preparing something for the staff in the smaller school - probably my last baking project in japan. also got to write the english teacher a letter to go with the stuff i got her. also need to prepare what i'm going to say to my favourite class - i actually asked their teachers for some time, so i've got to make the most out of it.

-random thought of the day: Busy busy!-

Many thoughts today! most good, some bad. better get them out of my head, so that i can concentrate on cleaning and packing tomorrow.

the biggest good thought is that i just got back from kobe, where i spent only 2 nights. feels like a waste to go all that distance and stay for such a short time, but i don't exactly have time on my side now! staying for a shorter time also means that i save on the hotel room. the hotel this time was good...a little more expensive, but linked to the train station via underground passage almost all the way. i think of the 3 hotels i've stayed at in kobe, this is the best in terms of location and accessibility. the rooms were a little more expensive, and i think it's because breakfast was included. the hotel says it's a complimentary service, but my guess is they factored the cost into the overall room charge.

as mentioned previously, the main objective for this kobe visit was to meet up with chemical engineer cousin and her husband. we spent 4-ish hours together, during which time we had what i'm calling afternoon tea at the danish cheesecake place (go me for remembering it at the last minute!), dinner at a wagyu place, and ice cream on the walk back to their hotel. although i didn't get the menu item i'd initially wanted (due to it requiring an advance reservation), dinner at the wagyu place was easily the best meal i've had in a while. chemical engineer cousin observed that that was the first time she'd been served wasabi as an accompaniment to beef. it's true, most people's image of wasabi is that it goes with seafood in sushi and sashimi applications. having it with red meat was a little unusual, but good! no regrets upgrading for additional meat. i actually mildly regret not upgrading for extra rice too! perhaps it's a blessing in disguise that i wasn't posted to kobe; i'd eat there at least once a month, if not once a week. my wallet wouldn't survive!

while we were together, we updated each other about our lives in the 6 years that we hadn't met in person. i'm only going to count the effective time as 3 years though, because COVID. she's going through something now, which i won't blog about because privacy. hopefully she fares better than i did for my own fight. more on that later. in between updating me on their side of the family, they also asked me plenty of questions about life in japan, plans for the future, continuing the conversation as only someone who'd read this blog could. while i know that people are concerned for me, it's reassuring to have tangible signs! also, hopefully she hasn't been scarred by any of the NSFW bits here...

apart from that, i had a night of solo exploration around the city. tried akashiyaki, which is kind of like takoyaki, except that the batter is more egg-heavy and it's dipped in soup. personal rating, 7/10. would eat again. i also went into this gyukushi (beef on sticks) place. the chef/waiter who was serving my section was quite young, 23 years old. super cute, shy smile. i thought we were sharing some small flirty moments...then his girlfriend walked in. so it was just his "customer service" face. lucky i didn't say or do anything embarrassing! as for the food, i met an older guy who offered me some of the food that he'd ordered. he ordered a LOT. almost makes me wonder if he was an undercover food critic. anyway, that's the first time that's happened. it's an improvement over my last interaction with strangers, but i'm still some ways away from being spontaneously invited on a road trip. one day, i'll catch up to scary JC friend.

there was a gay bar in the same building, and i decided that since it was there, might as well go. mild regret! the only patrons for most of the time i was there was a straight couple. to be fair, they were friendly, and we took turns singing karaoke. later in the night, 2 ladies came in. i thought they were a couple at first, but no - just friends out for a drink. they're both married (not to each other) and have kids, from what i understand. so the irony was that out of 6 people in the premises, the bartender and i were the minority in a place targeted towards us! so, yes. nothing really gay happened, but it was still kind of fun.

that's it for kobe! on the way back home, i stopped at zoff (glasses shop) in AEON mall to get my eyes checked and possibly get a new pair of glasses made. here's one area in which rural places win out over cities - the service is so much more attentive. i'd also went to a zoff in kobe, but they used a voice recording and to check my vision. zero human interaction until the last part, when the optician took the readout from the machine and set the degree on the "prototype" glasses. the optician didn't even notice that there was a problem with the display as the machine was running the test. in contrast, kochi had the same machine but the optician did everything from start to finish. there was more of a personal touch, plus i could ask for repeats if i wasn't sure which image appeared clearer. unfortunately, with the customizations i wanted, the glasses would take 3 weeks to get done. they tried to talk me into foregoing some add-ons, but i refused. i'm going to be using the glasses every day, after all. so i came to a compromise. i bought the frames in japan (because i think they're cheaper and i know that they have the design that i like). then i'll go back to singapore and get the lenses done at a zoff branch there. the new frames are similar to my current ones, except black, matte, and thinner. the lenses are taller, too. don't think i'll look too different, except maybe more serious due to the frames.

one party with which i wasn't successful in reaching a compromise was the international affairs department of the prefectural government. but i'll blog about that in a separate post, because there are certain feelings i need to examine in more detail. the main question i'm asking myself is, "why am i fighting for something so inconsequential?" and i'll elaborate more about it next time!

-random thought of the day: Busy day tomorrow!-

How disappointed my JC form teacher would be to see the state i've been in recently! i'm totally disobeying one of his key tenets, which is "under all situations, stay calm". i won't say that i've had a panic attack (yet), but i will admit to having my heart rate get uncomfortably fast super easily in recent days. it's a combination of the whole moving + diving into the unknown thing, as well as the situation with the internet friend. do i want to assign him a codename? not yet, because this may be the beginning of the end.

good news on the moving side...i've paid my last rent and water bills, found a buyer for the car (YES!!!), and am on track to getting everything done in good time. i even made up a table in word, showing the remaining days and things i want to do for each day. i'd thought that today would be tough because i planned for carpet washing and general cleaning for the computer room. turns out it wasn't that bad; the carpet was lighter than i'd thought, and i'm going to take it to the laundromat tomorrow instead of blasting it with the hose as was my original intention. i guess this is a reminder that things may seem difficult until you actually take the first step and get down to doing them. one other thing i learnt is that genuine woven tatami mats generate a fine yellow dust (from the straw) that usually blows away unless there's something keeping it from doing so...a carpet, for example. i found a decently thick layer when i removed the carpet. yes, it's my fault for not deep cleaning more. my nose isn't doing so good right now, but at least it's not at the "dust allergy flaring up" stage.

about the car. i realized that i made one very horrible calculation error, and nearly gave it away for free. see, when my colleague sold it to me, it had like, 4 months left on the shaken. i got it for 50 000 yen then. in a blind moment, i quoted a similar price to the new teacher who wanted to buy it, although i have about one year of shaken left! so, i adjusted the price a bit, and he agreed to buy it from me for 75 000 yen, broken down into 40 000 yen for the remaining shaken, and 35 000 yen for the car itself. i'm making a small loss, but i'm considering it as rental paid or something similar. for perspective, only in japan can one almost break even on a car purchase! granted my colleague probably sold it to me way below market rate, so i'm passing the kindness on. hopefully people in my future will be kind to me as well when i meet them.

conversations with the person have ground to a screeching halt over the past few days. my understanding is that he's going through some drug-related issues, so i don't want to push too much. our last conversation was...incoherent, so that further makes me believe it. while i'm sure he's not playing games with me, it just doesn't feel nice to have the interest in you drop after a while. well, perhaps this might give me the proverbial kick in the pants to get over my stupid thoughts about the whole thing. looking at it (as) impartially (as i can), even i think i'm an idiot! got to the point where i was quite literally yelling at myself over it in the car while driving home from work. it's no point being jealous of other people, as scary JC friend reminded me yesterday.

while i thought of continuing the point from the last sentence, scary JC friend deserves her own paragraph, considering how much she means to me. so i messaged her to tell her about my flight, and the conversation went on with me telling her about the whole situation. she told me that maybe people with drug issues aren't the best people to be jealous of. and ever as the beacon of positivity and support i need in my life, she reminded me that better things await me in the UK. of course, she doesn't know that for sure. then again, nobody does. also, it seems a few things have happened in her life since i last saw her close to a year ago in osaka. we're definitely overdue for a catch-up, and i hope i can be there for her the way she has been and continues to be there for me.

should also update a little bit about one of the foreign english teachers. i used to teach with her a lot in my first 2 years here, but we haven't taught together since last year. still, i thought it'd be nice to get her a little farewell present. so i bought some stuff from LUSH the last time i was in fukuoka, and wrote her a letter. she seemed to like it, and while i don't think we ever had any huge hatchets between us, i'm now more sure we're parting on a good note. she's transiting in singapore next month, and i may meet up with her for dinner then.

accomplished my main goal of taking the carpet out to air today, so that's a win in my book! will finish today's tasks up with cleaning and picking up rubbish in the computer room. dismantling my homemade humidifier, too. laundromat visit for the carpet and maybe one more big item tomorrow, along with visiting the town hall and school to settle car documents. then it's off to kobe on saturday, where i'll spend my first night trying more interesting food and maybe going to a gay bar. still undecided on the latter. meeting chemical engineer cousin and her husband on sunday, then coming back on monday with a stop by the prefectural office to see if i can settle something with the people there. hopefully that goes well. other than that...more cleaning and packing. although it feels like i may be slipping behind in the packing department, i'm sure it'll be fine as long as i follow my schedule.

-random thought of the day: Stick to the plan!-

Being aware of one's strengths is important. being aware of one's weaknesses is arguably more important. this wisdom also works when "strengths" and "weaknesses" are replaced by "things/areas in which one has surplus" and "things/areas in which one is lacking" respectively. i've recently discovered one such thing/area, but i'll talk about it after recounting yesterday.

like i mentioned a couple of posts back, one of my guildmates would be staying for a night in the neighbouring ehime prefecture. since it was relatively near, we arranged to meet up. while i could have gone by expressway bus, i figured that the simpler and more economical way would be to drive. google maps told me that the distance was 117km one way, so the round trip would be 234km. i thought it wouldn't be a big deal, since i'd driven 350km to osaka before. turns out it was a bigger deal than i'd thought, because a lot of this trip was along winding narrow mountain roads, which significantly limited my top speed. it took me 3 hours, give or take - so 6 hours total spent driving in a day. compare that to when i drove the 350km in 4 hours! but the good news is, i learnt that i can drive for extended stretches without nodding off or losing focus...not that i want to do it regularly!

so, we went for lunch/sakura viewing in a park, climbed up to matsuyama castle, and went for a tour inside. he was coming off a bout of food poisoning, so his appetite wasn't all there. but i heard he managed to try one of the local specialties, so that's good. despite being in japan for so long, it was my first time going to see the sakura (花見 hanami). i personally don't get what the big deal about sakura is. i mean sure, they're pretty, but at the end of the day, they're just flowers. yes, i know they hold deep cultural significance for the japanese, their short blooming period being seen as a symbol of/metaphor for transience (and the transience of human life in particular, back in the samurai era). guess it's one of those things that you can't fully appreciate unless you grew up with it.

the castle was interesting. first time up there for me. the steps were at a really steep incline, as is the norm for old japanese buildings. apart from the architecture, there were a few small exhibits of weapons, armour, nails, and wooden joints as we walked through the castle. a couple of interactive exhibits too - try lifting a real japanese sword (substantial but quite light) and try wearing a suit of medieval samurai armour (i passed on that one). all in all, a good experience, but not worth the 520 yen admission fee, and i don't think i'll be visiting any more japanese castles. just like sakura, once you've seen one, you've seen them all. we then took the chairlift down. scarier, but i'd rather have a chair to myself than be packed into that sardine can of a cable car.

honestly, i'm not super close to this guildmate. i mean, we've played together before, and he's helped me with raid content a few times, but i don't know him super well. in fact, my last memory of him was at a chalet or outing about 4 years ago or more. it's been so long, i didn't even remember that he's taller than me! or maybe it didn't register when we met. he's good at heart, although he can be quite sharp-tongued/troll-y. and he's the same age as me! i always thought he was a few years younger. i find it amazing that i'd consider it worthwhile to drive for 6 hours to meet someone i met online.

"online friends" links back to the first thought on knowing my "weakness", or in this specific case, what i don't have enough of. so, remember i mentioned this internet friend a few posts ago? his partner is my age. i've seen the way they interact, and stupid as it is, i've gotten jealous. lots of physical contact, affection, respect, occasional M18 stuff (we're all legal), basically things i wish i could have. and what's more interesting is how their relationship came about 5 years ago. not going to say much due to privacy reasons, but it's something that i could not have done given my logistical and financial situations at that time even if the opportunity arose. then jealous for what!? i don't know. the brain is stupid like that. i'm really happy for them, and i guess the main reason for my jealousy is i want a guy to treat me like that. not just the physical affection part, but unconditional acceptance. of course i'll pull my weight and more in the relationship, but that's a separate topic.

quick digression just to state that i recognize that i'm loved by many people in the form of friends and family, and i consider myself blessed for that and for their presence in my life. however, as far as romantic love goes, zero at this time. i've said it before and i'll say it again for good measure - if anyone reading this has a crush on me, speak up now!

to be clear, i don't want my friend himself as a partner because (1) he's already romantically partnered and i'm no homewrecker, (2) i'm not equipped to handle drug issues, or ready to have someone be totally financially dependent on me. declaring that you have drug issues in singapore/singaporean society, are you kidding me!? i want someone as nice, as kind, as sunny, as resilient as him. of course, if we're doing the "create-a-character" scenario, i'd remove the drug addiction and tweak some other parameters, but it'd still be someone like him in essence. and while he thinks of me as one of his best friends, that's still on a different level from being his partner. like, if i were ever to get into a conflict with his partner, there's absolutely no question about whose side he'd take. anyway, i don't think he'd be happy being my partner, because the first thing i'd ask of him is to get clean...and that's been a point of resistance. also, i know literally nothing about procuring illicit drugs.

i actually did get into a conflict with his partner due to a difference in the way we interpreted something in our conversation, and as the argument got a little heated, the thought of losing contact with this friend, or (TMI bit ahead) his husband's permission for...other activities with him (alternative relationship structures FTW) caused me to have thoughts and react in ways i'm not proud of. even now, there's some residual trepidation and eggshell-walking, which sucks. i trust it'll go back to normal soon-ish, perhaps after a few more calls.

what's the important thing i learnt here, then? that people are overprotective of what they lack. resource-guarding, basically. for me, the resource is romantic love, affection (physical or otherwise), and complete acceptance. guarding behaviour for me manifests as possessiveness over people who do give me those things (physical affection excepted because you know, online). only problem is, these things are intangible and unguardable. in fact, attempting to guard them will likely result in losing them, because i don't have the right to be possessive over someone else's partner, or anyone who's not partnered to me (very broadly speaking, i won't go into nuances here). and i think my self-reminder bears repeating: this is an online thing, which WON'T WORK OUT IN REAL LIFE. for reasons mentioned above, it's better if i just remain good/best friends (plus a little extra M18 stuff) with this guy. less responsibility/worry too. however, if his partner suddenly died (actually possible) or broke up with him (less likely), would i consider stepping up? died - maybe/probably; broke up - doubt so, because it'll likely be a rebound...that's another digression.

back to the main point. having identified the weakness, how can i remedy it? the logical answer would be to get more of what i lack. that can be done by dating and actually finding a partner to build an equally strong/stronger relationship with, because i don't see how anyone but a partner can provide romantic love. over the past 10-15 years, my mental/emotional state has oscillated between "i really really need a partner" and "i'm perfectly fine with the single life", and all stages in between. looks like i'm at the former extreme now. i don't know if this is a phase, or how long it'll last, but i really want to try giving dating more of a shot. 3 more weeks. or maybe 9, since i don't plan on dating in singapore. hopefully the guys in the UK will be less superficial. having said that, i also kind of want to work out a bit more. i've been lazy about cycling to and from work since january, and the reason/excuse of having had COVID is becoming less valid. it's also partially triggered by how out of breath i was after climbing to the top of the hill where the castle was built. granted we took the harder back way (steeper incline, more rudimentary stairs/steps), but still.

sorry the post got really long. a good portion of it was taken up by something fairly inconsequential, too! but it felt (feels?) like a big deal to me. and this blog is for me to vent and process stuff anyway, so it's fulfilling its purpose. moving forward, the plan is to remember that we are friends first and foremost. with that basic guiding principle, i should be able to navigate this thing well. why am i so smart, to get into this as i'm preparing for the big move!??

-random thought of the day: School starts tomorrow!-

Crying in my sleep and subsequently waking up in tears is not an entirely new experience for me, but it's happened so rarely that the most recent time it happened (2 nights ago) was probably only the third or fourth occurrence ever in my life. this time was special though, as it happened multiple times in the same night. like, wake up crying, spend a while trying to figure out why/process the feelings/recall the dream, go back to sleep, wake up crying, and repeat. there were 2 or 3 cycles of this, and i have no idea why. one dream did stick in my memory. you know the classic batman origin story, where his parents were shot in an alley while he was helpless to do anything? i dreamt exactly that, with one added detail of seeing batman's tears flow from under the cowl. the whole thing was depicted in a cartoony way, like it was batman from the animated series with like rivers running from his eyes. what i don't quite remember was whether it was first or third person, ie. whether i was batman himself (because i actually cried), or watching as an observer (because i saw him crying).

perhaps the crying was a foreshadowing, as i had to battle with japanese bureaucracy again. so as you know, my phone bill is giving me the most headache of the things that i have to settle before leaving japan. the agreement was that i would switch the credit card used to another one that i have, so as to avoid my japanese credit cards being charged after i closed them. i tried to switch it to my wise card yesterday, and was met with an error. after calling in to ask (and being put on hold for about 6 minutes), they told me that debit cards couldn't be used. and yes, the wise card is technically a debit card. while i'm sure there's a reason for the no debit card rule, it's not immediately apparent to me as an end-user, so that caused some frustration. from my perspective, they are both backed by the same company (mastercard in this case), and both use 16-digit numbers, have an expiry date, cardholder name, and security code. so why isn't it going through!? and as luck would have it, my singapore credit card is expiring at the end of april. as long as they charge the transaction before then, i guess. i'm going to warn the office about it and leave some cash behind, just in case.

also, all town hall staff are entitled to an annual health checkup. for reasons that i've since forgotten, i haven't gone for a single one in my time on JET. could be because my supervisors didn't tell me, or that i chose to skip it. anyway, basic as it is, i decided that i might as well go since it was my last one. i requested for 4th april (tomorrow) and my previous supervisor (who's been transferred out) said that it was possible. i then got a call after work yesterday, telling me that the earliest possible date this financial year will be the 15th (monday), which i can't do because i'll be travelling back from kobe. so i asked for the 16th (tuesday), and it seemed ok until i got a call this morning telling me that tuesdays were reserved for ladies only. what horrible timing! so we've now finalized the date on the 17th, which means i definitely won't be getting the checkup results back on time because it takes about 2 weeks to arrive. i could request for expedition, but knowing the japanese system, i don't have high hopes of the request going through. backup plans include them opening it and emailing me the results (huge personal data/privacy violation here), or perhaps asking them to forward the sealed results letter to me.

thankfully, everything else seems to be going ok. rent, water, and gas have been definitively settled, so there's been significant progress. pretty sure we managed to work something out for electricity, phone, internet, and credit cards. so that leaves taxes and pension. taxes will be easy, since they'll just take it out of my salary. pension, on the other hand...headache. i'll have to talk to the new supervisor about it and tell him roughly what to expect. oh, i haven't elaborated on that, haven't i? so yes, my supervisor for the past 2 years was transferred out during the annual personnel transfer exercise, and someone else from another department got transferred in...and got assigned as the JET supervisor. it makes me wonder why they don't assign someone more experienced to the job, especially to handle this complicated leaving process. but perhaps they're thinking to have a fresh start, new JET and new supervisor figuring things out together. i personally think that it's not smart, but well...what can i do?

it's currently still school break, so i've been working at the town hall for the past few days, managed to clear most of my belongings from my desk, so that's a win. have to figure out how to pack them, though. thank goodness i gave my friends stuff to bring back when i met them in tokyo last year! i also went to the schools just to say hello to the new teachers, and the smaller school invited me for lunch under the sakura trees growing in the school compound. it was so nice of them! yes, this is definitely going above and beyond. i don't expect this from any of my schools, so it was a nice surprise which i'm grateful for. did a bunch of area cleaning in the schools as well - shredded a ton of paper. i'll have to pass stickers to the english teachers; i've got so many extra.

also since it's school break, the other english teacher was working at the town hall too. let me preface this next bit by saying that he doesn't report to me, nor do i report to him. we're equals as far as heirarchy/rank go. in the 2 days we were together in the town hall, i noticed that he doesn't practise typical office behaviour - things like not informing the rest where he's going then disappearing for hours, taking long lunches, etc. to be fair, we really have nothing to do. town hall time is deskwarming, where we're expected to occupy our own time unless some actual paperwork comes in. so i understand his reasons for disappearing, although it does make me wonder where he went. i wish i had disappeared more during previous summer breaks!

he was also quite openly doing up his resume using the town hall computer. not that any of the other staff would know or care, since it's in english. again, i can't blame him, since they're kind of screwing him over here. he told me that they only extended his contract to end-august, which means that he'll only be meeting the new JET during summer break when there's no school, and won't be teaching with the new JET at all when the term begins in september. i'm going to try and speak to the superintendent about it, hopefully we can work something out. at first, i was thinking whether i should take the extra effort to help him. considering we're just acquaintances, casual friends at most. but i realized that if the roles were reversed, i would want someone to be on my side and push for me to stay longer in a job that i need (and frankly, the schools need as many foreign english teachers for as long as they can stay). and more than that, it would help the new JET out so much, to see how classes typically go. the flow, activities, potential choke points, and most importantly, the kids' attitudes towards english and their interpersonal interactions/relationships with each other as well as the teachers. the lesson here i think, is to look beyond my immediate sphere and see the bigger picture.

drug use is not something that i've encountered in person. i mean, i know it exists in singapore despite the strict drug laws, and in japan as well. other than news reports, the closest i've heard within my personal sphere was a distant acquaintance getting busted for possession, consumption, and/or distribution of cannabis. so when i recently found out that one of my online friends (not singaporean nor living in singapore) was doing some hardcore drugs, a few things came to mind: (1) how open the friend was about it; (2) are drugs really THAT easy to obtain overseas?; (3) how does this change my perception of this friend? we were often taught that drugs are bad, and people who use them are bad people who should be shunned, lest they try to get you hooked as well. but the person i've been talking to is nice, and even advised me against trying drugs when i mentioned i was curious about their effects. again, i think my chemical education has taught me better than to take the risk, so i'm not about to try it. as for how i interact with this friend...i expect it will remain fairly normal. granted that we're not super close or anything, but i'll say that some of the infatuation regarding this friend has dissipated.

goal for tomorrow: finish packing the winter clothes (since it's too warm for fleece now), sort out the stuff that i brought back from the town hall/schools, get maybe 15% more packing done. i should be able to clear out most of one cupboard, and sort out most of the documents that i'll need to bring back. should also probably be a bit more decisive in throwing things away. we'll see.

-random thought of the day: Things are proceeding according to plan!-

Wasn't as productive as i'd hoped to be in the past few days, but i still made a tiny bit of progress. to just very very briefly talk about past happenings...

office party - great food, free for me because i'm leaving, wasn't as emotional as i'd thought it/i would be.

meeting some of my graduated kids at the supermarket - pleasant surprise, they've forgotten most of their english, talking to them as former students feels more enjoyable.

failing to catch the nice maths teacher before he left - missed opportunity to say goodbye, feeling guilty, especially because he bought me dinner once before, wish i could have passed him a flag pin at least as a token of appreciation.

car stuff - my colleague isn't buying it back, but a new teacher may want to buy it, if that falls through, my mechanic will probably buy it, so that's a relief.

super condensed summary over! now for the main part of this post - planning ahead for the month of april (and one day left of march). it's honestly quite a big project, and i figure the best way to approach it would be identifying important deadlines, then fitting everything else around those dates. the organization of events is going to be a little rubbish at first, but it should improve towards the end.

let's start with trips i have to make. i've got a health checkup in the city this coming thursday. following that, i'll be driving to ehime to meet a guild member on saturday. i only found out yesterday that he'd be coming by, and i figured since he was already making the trip all the way here, i should make some effort to see him. the last time we met was probably in 2018? 2019? definitely before JET, and not a short time before, either. it's close enough that i can make a day trip out of it, so that's the tentative plan. and of course, there's meeting chemical engineer cousin and her husband in kobe over the weekend of the 13th. the last trip i want to do is to my old supervisor's house, to pass her family some stuff and say bye to them. good thing is that she's still on maternity leave, so i think that's the most flexible one. i'll ask her for the weekend of the 20th as a starting point.

next, school and work dates. my tentative forecast has me working for just 9 days in april. and even then, i have like, 2 days of leave left over. maybe i'll try to fit them in, but it's not a huge deal to me even if i don't get to use them. so the plan is work for 2 days this coming week, where i will meet the new JET supervisor and go to the schools for aisatsu ("greeting", basically saying hello to the new teachers and letting the admin staff know my schedule). my next 3 workdays are the 8th to the 10th, with entrance ceremonies in both secondary schools and meeting the new students for probably only one class. following that, my last 2 days in the schools are the 18th and 19th (one day in each school), and finally my last 2 days in the town hall are the 25th and 26th. these are more "emergency" days, just in case anything crops up last-minute, or if i haven't been able to settle everything before then. i might use the extra leave days there if all the ducks are nicely lined up.

with that laid out, the plan is to slot all the packing, admin, cleaning, etc. into my non-work days. of course, i can do simple things like some errands and light cleaning on workdays as well, but i'm going to plan for a clear separation in case work tires me out more than i anticipated. with that in mind, the tasks i have left are (in no particular order):

- cleaning the house (2 bedrooms, kitchen area, living/dining room, bath and toilet)

- rubbish disposal (burnables, paper, bottles/cans/styrofoam, inorganics, large items)

- finances (credit card stuff, bank transfers, remitting money, closing bank accounts, paying bills)

- packing (including suitcase allocation, maybe shipping things back, selling/giving away things)

- admin/HR (stuff for the new JET, getting the necessary certificates and documents)

- personal (buying stuff back, eating food that i'll miss outside of japan)

those are the main categories, i think. doesn't seem like a lot, does it? but just wait till the submenus are expanded. the good news is i've already made decent headway on some of them, and know what to do for most of the outstanding things. with luck, i don't think anything will come up and catch me by surprise. but then, you know how uncle murphy works. hoping that me just saying that won't already jinx it.

i figure the best course of action is to tackle things in different categories simultaneously, while prioritizing things by date and percentage completion. like, if cleaning is starting to fall behind, then i'll focus more effort on it - that kind of thing. due dates come first, of course! maybe i should set a target level of completeness for each week? just to keep myself on track. this is my current idea for that plan, but i'm sure it'll change as i actually do things:

by 7 april - finish living/dining room cleaning, pack up most of the clothes that i won't need, change credit cards, do one round of special rubbish disposal

by 15 april - finish computer room cleaning (including washing the carpet), stop using credit cards to finalize the payable amount

by 19 april - settle all things in the schools, including saying goodbye to the kids and moving all my things out (will probably finish that before the 19th), transfer money to pay credit card bills, remit money to DBS, close SMBC account, prepare list of house damages/defects

by 26 april - move everything out of the town hall, decide what to leave for the next JET, clean up my area, close local bank account(?), do last load of laundry, clear kitchen area (put all crockery away)

by 29th april (public holiday, may need to do these things earlier) - hand over the car, prepare for house inspection (finish all cleaning), finish all packing, final departure preparations, laundromat visit to wash bigger items

30th april - house inspection, maybe last rubbish disposal, catch my flight

also, suitcase allocation and clothes! i realize that there are clothes that i've literally not worn throughout my entire JET term. those will get thrown away. among them are a couple of items that the ex got me. one more step towards a 100% clean break, as far as material possessions are concerned. the mental/emotional aspect was 100% a long time ago. i didn't realize it, but over the months and years, it seems i bought more clothes than i'd thought. a lot of it is winter stuff (heattech, fleece, gloves), so i'm not beating myself up over it since i really thought i needed them at the time. but as i gained more experience on how to handle winter, i realized that i just need a solid jacket over my regular clothes. that, and good gloves. i MIGHT consider getting a new down jacket here since my old one is kind of thin now, but it's not a must at this point. i figure i can go thrifting in the UK, might save me some money. or maybe just get a puffer vest? anyway, the current suitcase plan looks like this:

bag 1 (soft shell, blue) clothes, odd knicknacks

bag 2 (soft shell, black) clothes (lesser), soft stuff, souvenirs, stationery

bag 3 (hard shell, blue) gadgets, tech stuff, maybe some clothes for cushion

bag 4 (hard shell, green, carry-on) toiletries, change of clothes, documents

bag 5 (messenger bag, personal item) laptop, power banks, whatever else doesn't fit

cardboard box (if i'm shipping anything back) blanket, other bedding, monitor(??)

now that i'm looking at it, i'm just asking myself how i managed to fit everything into 2 suitcases when coming to japan! and that's with me packing souvenirs and JLPT books, too. perhaps i should be more zealous about giving things away, or i should have worked harder to sell them. well, they'll have to fit, by hook or by crook, so i'll make it happen.

ah, laying out a plan felt kind of good. now that i have some idea and timeline, there's something to work towards. i still haven't done much regarding my move to the UK, though, so that's going to be a source of worry. the 2 main things i need to do are buy a plane ticket and figure out accommodation plans for the first month or two. i also applied to 3 more firms - one independent one, and 2 which are under the umbrella of the same law firm (it's confusing). and i still have the original firm to apply to again. best-case scenario is if that firm accepts me. a middle-ground scenario is if one of the other firms accept me. if all these 4 still give rejections, i may really have to do the chemist thing. but...one thing at a time. i'd like to believe that we are never given more than we can handle at once. it's also great practice for me in terms of prioritization and mental resource allocation.

-random thought of the day: Things will work out!-

You've heard of secondhand smoke, but have you heard of secondhand frustration? it's real! although i was on leave, i went in to the town hall today to see about paying some of my bills. because i wasn't confident of speaking about financial/contractual stuff in japanese (lest i unknowingly agree to something), i got help from one of the other staff members. she was on the phone for 45 minutes with my telecom provider! just listening to one side of the phone call was enough to raise my blood pressure. there was back and forth about not being able to pay via invoice/cash, then a suggestion of deliberately not paying the bill for an invoice to be sent, then not being able to have that invoice sent to the town hall...all in all just a massive roundabout leading nowhere. so, the final outcome is that they're asking me to pay using a non-japan credit card. wouldn't you know it - my UOB multi-currency card expires in march. good thing i have my wise card! just hoping that it goes through when i try to change it in april, after this month's deductions have been made. same for the electricity bill, i figure that it would be easier to do it this way. that just leaves the internet, whose customer service is due to call me back early next week. changing credit cards there takes 2 months(!), so they'd better provide some alternative.

after one day of packing, i've gone through about 60% of my clothes, 40% of rubbish/things to throw away, and maybe 30% of non-clothes things to decide whether to bring back or try and sell off. at this point, i'm actually worried that 3 suitcases won't be enough, and i'll need a fourth. not super worried yet, because i can still buy one more suitcase if i REALLY need it. i'll try to avoid that if at all possible. might end up shipping some things back after all.

one piece of good news that came out of going down to the office today is that the colleague who sold me the car in the first place may be buying it back from me, because his eldest son (who just graduated from high school) may need it to commute to work. if he ends up wanting to buy it back, i'll just sell it back to him for the cost of the remaining shaken (COE equivalent), which will come up to about 40000 yen. considering i bought the car for 50000 yen, i'd have basically paid 10000 yen in "rental" to use the car for 3 years! maintenance costs and petrol not included of course, but i think it's a crazy good deal. in the event he's not interested, i'll probably end up selling to the mechanic or any interested buyers on facebook, where i'll probably try to push for a higher price.

from an overall perspective, today was pretty bleh. i think i need to come up with a better game plan for the remainder of the week, and a series of milestones against which i can check my progress. that might give me some direction and perspective on how this whole exercise is going. also, it doesn't help that the house is in a mess. well...more so than usual. i think things (including my mood) will improve as things start disappearing and more space is cleared. there's also one more thing which i'm feeling upset about. it's really minor and honestly not worth the amount of emotional/mental capacity i'm devoting to it, but i'm not going to blog about it here just yet. i'm hoping for a resolution tomorrow, which will allow me to take my mind off it.

-random thought of the day: Cooking project tomorrow as well!-

A few things happened over these past 2 weeks. the absolute number of things isn't that high, but each thing is significant in terms of magnitude, hence the weight of things going on in my head. i'll try to do them chronologically, since i think that'll make the most sense. since it's been a while, do forgive any skips or errors.

first on the list is graduation. i didn't feel too much, seeing the kids in the big school graduate. although i've seen them since i first started on JET, i wasn't really close to the class as a whole. i attribute this both to me being a little standoffish due to being uncertain as to how to handle primary school kids (they were in primary 6 when i first got here), and the class just on a whole not being super engaging. don't get me wrong, there were kids who made it a point to greet and talk to me, and i got along really well with them. but for the other quieter ones and those who switched off upon hearing english...not so much. being quiet/uncommunicative isn't a character flaw, to be clear. it's just that it's going to take more time and effort to get through and form a connection. and this is just my opinion here, the effort isn't worth it in some cases.

in contrast, the smaller school's graduation was way more emotional for me, despite having only 6 graduating students compared to the larger school's 32. also, i didn't see those 6 students until they started in the secondary school, which makes it even more amazing. the kids there are some of the best i've taught in my time on JET. even if some of them aren't good at english, their positive attitudes and willingness to try make teaching them so much more fun. and for the first time in my 3 years and close to 10 graduation ceremonies here, the foreign english teachers were mentioned in the graduating students' farewell address! i wasn't expecting it, and visibly reacted when i heard my name. at that moment, the main thought in my mind was "我没有白疼了他们", or "my love/care wasn't wasted on them". after the ceremony, i passed them the graduation gifts i got them - bag tags with their names embroidered on them. thanks to my OC in army for giving me that idea! the tags are black, with silver embroidery, same as my black belt. it may seem quite self-centred of me, but i chose the colour combination precisely because of that. i hope that having something of the same colour will help to bridge the emotional distance, even if we are physically far apart.

next is the fukuoka trip to meet my friend. it was my first time there, and i was quite impressed with how modern everything is! like, i went to an unmanned train station with literally one platform and trains every half an hour - similar to my train station back here in kochi. the difference is, the small station in fukuoka had a little machine that i could use to tap my card in and out of! no such thing in kochi - cash only, at least as far as i've seen. it amazes me, how vastly the level of development can vary within the same country. then again, having singapore as my standard/reference isn't very ideal in this case. how much can the level of development vary in such a small country?

the main goal of the fukuoka trip was food. well, that and meeting friends. the singaporean JET who was in kochi until last july is now based there, and he invited us over for a belated CNY dinner. granted, his wife did all of the cooking! there was chili crab, emperor's chicken, char siew, and vegetables, with the usual limitation of not being able to get the ideal ingredients that would have been used in singapore. but despite that, the dinner was awesome, and easily the best thing i've had in japan - just for the nostalgic flavours and because someone actually bothered to put in effort to cook for us without expecting anything in return. also at his house, i learnt that one of his colleagues grows chilis and makes his own hot sauce, which by the way, tastes awesome. it was spicy, but there were other flavours, like a sour tang, and something aromatic/flowery. it's really amazing, the diversity of human creativity.

other interesting food experiences include visiting a 牡蠣小屋 (kakigoya - oyster hut), which are vinyl tents set up by oyster farmers/fishers in the winter months. they sell freshly-harvested oysters and provide you a grill on which to grill them. the one i went to was an hour away from the main fukuoka city, and used charcoal in their grills, instead of gas. charcoal supposedly imparts a better flavour. while i normally prefer eating oysters raw, grilling was a nice change! not sure that i'll be grilling them too often though, raw is still my clear preference. i had to open some of the more stubborn oysters too. during my long break between NS and university, i went down several rabbit holes. oyster shucking happened to be one of them. good to know that the knowledge came in useful, even if it is 15 years later! i really think that we should learn more about things that we like/are interested in. oysters are one of my favourite foods to this day despite the food poisoning episode in primary school, so it was only natural that i wanted to learn more about them! i also tried turban shell (sazae in japanese). not my preferred shellfish. for one, it was difficult to extract the meat. also, the internal organs were black. not super appetizing.

in the end, i didn't do the gay bar thing in fukuoka. wasn't really feeling up to paying for overpriced drinks with the possibility of not meeting anyone. i did consider going to a gay sauna for more M18 activities, but wasn't feeling it either. part of it was the fear of rejection, and part of it was not wanting to make the effort get changed and leave the hotel room, especially when i was all nice and comfortable after a bath in the onsen. ah well. there'll be other opportunities, i'm sure!

had my last 2 days of school this academic year on thursday and friday. classes on thursday were casual with not much learning, and friday was basically just ceremonies. nice and relaxing! i was made to stand in front of the students in the big school, along with other staff members who were transferring out. i still have a couple of schooldays in april, but i think they wanted to give me a proper send-off. well...i don't know how to feel about that. one thing's for sure though, i won't be introduced as a member of staff during the entrance ceremony 2 weeks later, and i actually prefer it that way. no point getting the kids ready to have class with me, when i'm going to be in the school for all of 2 days.

this year, there are a fair number of people leaving. all 3 head teachers in the primary schools are being transferred, along with some of the regular teachers. but then, i've been out of the primary schools for so long that i don't really feel too much sadness. in the secondary schools, 7 staff members are leaving, including me. this includes one teacher who's been on medical leave for the past 2 years. while i have my suspicions, i still don't know why for sure. i do find it a waste, though...to study so much and get a teacher's license, only to quit because the job isn't for you. i hope she finds happiness/fulfillment in her next thing, whatever she chooses to do. it kind of scares me, that something similar might happen to me. imagine me getting a graduate certificate in IP, passing all 4 papers for the qualification exams, and then just walking away from a patent attorney career to, i don't know, farm oysters or something. well, i figure that i'll know to cut my losses before that. and even if that exact scenario happens, i'm sure that having the qualification will open up new doors in other ways that i may not see now. in the small school, 2 teachers are leaving. the social studies teacher (more on him later), and the science teacher, who's taught at the school for 10 years and is a stalwart there. 10 years seems perfectly normal in the singapore education system, but it's an eternity in japan as most teachers stay in a school for 5 years or less on average. i feel kind of sad that they'll be going, but then again, i'm leaving too! so it's not like we'd have much time left together even if they weren't transferred, anyway.

last big thing, and then we'll be caught up for events. that's the smaller school's end-of-year party that was held last night. both schools decided to hold their parties on the same date and time, leading to me having to make a choice. i'm so happy i chose the smaller school! there are nice teachers and staff in the big school, just that i feel closer to the teachers in the smaller school. for once, they held it in the next town, and not in kochi city. less time spent on the commute! the food was great, totally worth the 5500 yen. i was particularly impressed by the fried oysters and the stew-type thing, which i was told contained wild boar. didn't taste too different from pork to me, but i guess that's to be expected, seeing as how biologically close the 2 animals are. i also took some time to speak to both the outgoing science and social studies teachers, and gave them a singapore flag pin.

the conversation with the social studies teacher (who's also been the form teacher for the 6 graduated students for the past 3 years) was unexpected, in that he told me how much the kids loved (love?) me. apparently, one of them has been mimicking my walk! i've never caught her in the act, though i'd have loved to see it! he also shared that my presence brought the teachers some relief/less worry, which i think was really nice of him to say. it's nice to get this kind of validation/affirmation. i've been getting this comment a lot recently, that i go above and beyond what's required of me in this job. but to me, it's just something i want to do for the kids. they're nice to me, so i want to spend more time hanging out with them and helping them out wherever i can. again, i feel just a little bit sad that i don't like teaching enough to make a career out of it.

boy, that was a lot, wasn't it? i'm off the whole week next week, so the plan is to finish like 80% of the packing. mainly clothes and other things that i won't need to use in my remaining time here. then there's house cleaning, and finally, settling money matters. should stop using my credit cards in mid-april. i also just learnt that i can pay my credit card bills ahead of schedule by bank transfer. good to know! there are still a few more small things that i have to take care of, but i don't foresee any major hiccups. one exciting recent development is that chemical engineer cousin and her husband are coming to japan! unfortunately, they aren't coming to my neck of the woods (not that i'd expect them to), so i'm off to kobe again to meet them. while we've been keeping in contact fairly regularly over the intervening years (thanks, internet!), i think it's been about 6 years since we've last met in person - which was back in 2018 when i went to visit them in perth. even though we're quite updated on each other's lives, i'm sure that we'll still have a fair bit to talk about. i'm quite excited!

apart from this entire wall of text, there are still a couple of topics i kind of want to mention. but this post has gone on long enough, plus i kind of want to let them stew in my head a little more so i can figure out how to express them better. until next time!

-random thought of the day: Mildly worried.-

52 more days to go, says my countdown timer. i've started amping up the "leave japan" process, in that i've sold off my grocery bike to a nice vietnamese lady. think i just about broke even on it, considering my purchase price and that i delivered it to her in the city. ah well. the goal wasn't to turn a profit anyway, and at least it sold. next time, i'm going to put a higher delivery surcharge...2000 yen for the toll fees, petrol, and time isn't worth it. but yes, that's one thing down out of a list of about...10? 20? it's not much, but it's something.

also completed my first mercari transaction as the seller. it was a bit more complicated than i'd thought, but i got there in the end. the thing that annoyed me was that mercari offered cheaper shipping options that were exclusive to the app, but when i downloaded the app, i still couldn't select them. even worse, they wouldn't release the funds to me after the transaction went through because of some discrepancy in the way my name was registered with the bank. so i did what i thought was pretty smart: converted the balance to in-store points and used them to buy something that i was going to get from amazon anyway. not only do i not incur bank transfer fees (damned japanese banking system), but i also saved a bit because the seller set a lower price than amazon for a brand-new item! there's a point i want to expand on here, about being prepared to pay a certain price vs. finding the absolute best deal possible, but i'll save that for a future post.

i've been looking at the status of my kitchen supplies and ingredients. should be able to finish most of them and not open any new packs that i'd already bought - sugar and cocoa powder come to mind. bought them a few months back thinking that i'd make more stuff for the kids and/or my colleagues, but nah. no need to stress myself out. the last baking project i have in mind is choux pastry. yes, again! the defeat from the last time i tried doesn't sit well with me. if i still don't get it this time, then...i'll try again after a longer break, by which time i'll be in a different country already. one baking project that did go well was a chocolate lava cake, which was easier than i'd imagined! few ingredients, too. think that'll go into my baking repertoire.

like i mentioned previously, i'm starting to dip my toes into the online gay scene a bit more. still maintaining my anonymity, of course, but trying to be more upfront about things like my age, body type, etc. it occurred to me that content aimed at the mass market really pushes an unrealistic image of what an "average" guy looks like. same for girls, i'd imagine. but yes, the thing that i should remind myself of is that people come in all shapes and sizes, and more than the external appearance, it's what's on the inside that matters more. like there was one guy who was really physically attractive, but in one of his posts, he put "i'm bored, chat with me (no old men)" and that just kind of killed it for me. he does realize that he's going to get old too, right? and i guess it's for that reason that i find gay fiction to be a little unbelievable. all the protagonists are tall, handsome, muscles everywhere, and they find a similar person to be their partner. i guess that's why it's fiction/fantasy. also, it's more focused on the sex part of a relationship. seldom (if ever) do people write about the love aspect, like overcoming challenges together, supporting each other, that sort of stuff. maybe i should revisit the idea of writing a book again...

only had 2 days of work this past week. it was test period, so all the classes were pretty slack anyway. things in the smaller school got even better, if that was even possible. the sec 2 kids became even more outgoing and engaged, giving witty retorts to the point where i cracked up laughing myself while trying to get them to focus - my first time ever in 3+ years! even the usually quiet girl contributed some sass. i like it, and just wish all my classes went like that. but as i've learnt, it takes a difficult-to-achieve, special combination of teachers and students for that to manifest. i'm grateful that i got to experience it even once! in the bigger school, some kids were a bit more clingy when i went there, others were more standoffish than usual. they're probably processing my impending departure in their own ways. but overall, class went above average for my favourite class. is that the bias speaking? probably.

another slack week next week with graduation ceremony prep and the actual ceremony taking up most of the first 3 days. regular day on thursday (minus the graduated students), and flying to fukuoka on friday, where i'm supposed to go to my friend's house for a belated CNY dinner and a short holiday. also going to use the opportunity to explore the gay district there. now that i have a better idea of what to expect, i'll probably go in with better preparation and expectations.

-random thought of the day: Add-on post tomorrow, probably!-

Nagoya went well. unlike my usual full-ish itinerary, most of this trip was spent relaxing and basically doing nothing. my main objective was to meet 2 friends, and the secondary objective was to visit the science museum. the latter didn't happen because it was closed for some reason or another for the duration of my stay. ah well.

meeting my friends was nice. one of them is a JET based in a town outside of the main nagoya city. she's got a japanese boyfriend, who is slowly being brainwashed um, educated about singapore. he can hum the first few bars of the national anthem, which i think is amazing! and during their trip to singapore over the new year, he managed to memorize the MRT stations from the airport to city hall. even i, a native singaporean, can't do that. we talked about various things, mostly about japan and post-JET plans. i find it really amazing that her dream is to open a guesthouse in japan. it's a perfectly respectable dream to have, just that i don't see myself having it. i've told her that i'd love to visit and bring friends over though!

the second meeting was with an online friend, who i got to know while playing final fantasy. he's japanese, but he's one of the few japanese people who are interested in cultures beyond japan. he said that if he had a time machine, he would go back and tell his secondary school self to study english only. i wish my kids could see things through his eyes. anyway, we had a very fulfilling day. interesting sights at the aquarium, and lots of good food before and after. although i think that having been to 3 or 4 aquariums in my life so far (singapore, akita, nagoya, osaka), i've seen enough of them to last me for the next 10 or 15 years.

for solo activities, i went to explore the gay district of nagoya city. popped into a gay bar after reading some internet reviews, and the helpful bartender gave me a map of all the gay bars in the district, along with information like their typical clientele, rest days, etc. i found that brilliant. you'd never see that in singapore! so i did some bar-hopping and visited 5 places over 3 nights. the first night was by far the best. in addition to the extremely positive/welcoming first experience, i met a cute guy at the second place i went to. he's also from out of town, and just visiting. sadly, nothing happened beyond some hand-holding and a goodnight kiss. i was telling scary JC friend that i felt it odd to be happy despite nothing really coming out of the whole encounter. she said that even if nothing happened, it's still a great memory. i suppose that's a better way to look at it than my default of "what could have been/what i missed out on".

somehow, i don't think i'm suited for this whole gay bar thing. for one, most people smoke. and it's expensive - between 1800 to 2500 yen for cover charge and 1 or 2 drinks. even more unworthwhile for me because i don't drink alcohol! what came as a culture shock to me was that some bartenders would ask you to buy them drinks, sort of as "payment" for them talking to you and entertaining you (you are kind of "assigned" a bartender when you come in). also, most of them are small places, so your odds of meeting someone you'd like to take things further with is low. i remember jedi master once telling me how he felt that the whole rigmarole of getting dressed up, going to the bar, paying for overpriced drinks, chatting people up was such a chore, but he persisted due to his hope of finding "the one" there. the irony is that his current partner of about 25 years was introduced to him by a mutual friend of theirs!

this trip has been good for me, in that it's gotten me excited about venturing beyond this small town. it's shockingly easy to fall into a comfortable routine here, and scarily, to forget about the outside world. getting reminders of what else is out there helps energize me and makes me look forward to the next adventure. it's also got me thinking about my future...particularly, whether a partner will feature in it or not. previously, i'd thought i'd be ok being single. now...i'm less certain. i think it's because i've joined a few gay community discord servers, and the sense of fellowship/support i get there is quite strong. i've also met more people with unique experiences vs. myself, like interracial couples, polyamorous people, people in open relationships, couples with large age gaps, to name some off the top of my head. i guess that my idea of "a relationship" has largely been influenced by the "gay standard" popularized by social media in singapore. it goes something like: find a guy who's got a pretty face and nice body, preferably without a drug habit. don't worry too much about his character. get together after exchanging nude photos and/or hooking up. break up after a few weeks/months due to someone cheating, backstabbing, family pressure, or just plain loss of interest. sad, isn't it? singapore's gay scene is superficial more than anything, and lasting relationships are rare. not saying that it isn't so in other countries, just that i feel it's especially so in singapore.

*NSFW/TMI warning starts* being in rural japan, in a town catered mostly to young families and senior citizens, my dating pool is basically zero. i would not be surprised if you told me i was the only gay person in this town! i remember trying my luck and downloading an app, only to find that the nearest gay person was over 80km away. it's amazing how i've managed to stay 3 years here! although for full disclosure, i've been talking to people online to uh...resolve certain needs. and i've been quite firm to myself that i can't afford to get emotionally attached to the people i meet online, mainly because of geographical distance and how difficult it would be to pursue a relationship.

here comes the wrench. i met someone who ticks all my boxes physically. my ideal type of body; i would literally not change a thing about what i've seen of him. on top of that, he seems to have a good job and be quite a nice guy too, and we both seem to have fun together. over time, i found myself starting to become attached to/possessive over him, which is bad. what makes it worse is that due to how he looks and one particular ability that he has, he's in high demand, so i don't get as much time with him as i want. i know that we're not exclusive and all that, but it still kind of sucks to be turned down when there are other waiting for their turn.

realistically, i also know that we won't end up together, at least, not with our current wants, expectations, and life directions. so i'm trying to remind myself of that while enjoying what we have whenever i can. meeting him has both given me hope and made me worry more. the worry is that i'm not making an effort to date such a seemingly perfect guy (although admittedly circumstances are out of my control), and it could be seen as me giving him up. the hope comes in the form of: if there's one guy like this, surely there are more out there who would be willing to enter a into similar arrangement with me? maybe this is my start of exploring alternate relationship structures. or maybe i'm just turning promiscuous. one of the people i talked to recommended that i read a book titled "the ethical slut". haven't got a chance yet due to the trip, but i'll read it before leaving japan. at the end of the day, i think the key guiding principles are that everyone should be satisfied, and nobody should be harmed. easier said than done, though.

do i want to play the dating game? go through the "dress up, go to a bar, buy drinks, chat guys up" routine? not particularly, if i'm being honest. more importantly, if i want to play the game, i still have a lot of work to do on my physical appearance to conform to what most people would think of as "attractive". not forgetting there are some things that i can't change due to genetics - height, for an SFW example. the sucky thing is that all this could still be for naught - i'm not guaranteed to find a partner even after going through all that hard work. i also wonder if the expectations i set regarding my own appearance are too high. for singapore, the ideal type is basically slim and muscles...and i'm nowhere near that. perhaps i need a wider perspective and a wider dating pool, both of which i hope the UK will be able to provide. *NSFW/TMI warning ends*

well, that's most of my thoughts for the past week. as of now, there are a little over 9 weeks until i'm due to go back. and if my calculations are right, i have 19 working days to go, meaning i'm working an average of 2-ish days a week. the non-work days won't be all relaxing, though...granted, there will be a lot of relaxing (including a trip to fukuoka!), but there will also be cleaning, packing, errands, selling things, etc. i think it'll be fine.

-random thought of the day: Is it just me, or do people in Nagoya smell good?-

During my downtime in schools, i've been looking and relooking at my calendar/leave forecast. i literally have no more 5-day work weeks, and the thought of working 5 days a week actually sounds quite scary now. i'm sure it's just temporary, and will evaporate once i start something new.

my nagoya trip is tomorrow! guess who hasn't packed yet? i'll probably travel light, and may even consider posting some stuff (souvenirs maybe?) back instead of having them take up luggage space. the goal is to travel light and reuse clothes. hopefully the airline will let me carry the small luggage on, so i can avoid wasting time at the baggage claim. i'm also going to travel smart, by putting my shoes in my bag and not wearing a belt. that way i can breeze through security. but before that, the goal is to pack before i sleep tonight, because it's a morning flight tomorrow. leave the house at 7, reach the airport at 8, well in time for my flight. i don't really have an agenda, probably just going to take it nice and slow, find some good eats, and hopefully not come down with COVID this time!

-random thought of the day: Thinking that I forgot something...-

Since maybe a few days ago, this song has been running through my mind.

i first heard it when one of my secondary school schoolmates sang a version of it when he appeared on singapore idol way back when. funny how i've literally not thought about it for years before this recent time. and of all the times to think about it - today's valentine's day. not that i have any reason to identify with the song, since i'm single and not pining for my last ex. i did some mental maths and realized that come september this year, it'd have been 7 years since we broke up. and you know what they say, your body replaces all its cells every 7 years or so. in a way, it's like every part of me that was ever touched by him (not that that were that many anyway), suddenly never was. yes, i recognize that it's too melodramatic for me. the breakup wasn't that big of a deal. i've had plenty of time to process it and i've moved on, to the point where seeing him in public wouldn't affect me. i'd just go past him like he was another random person in the street.

the last post was only...2 days ago? nothing interesting's happened since then, which i suppose is within expectations. exams are starting, first for the graduating students in these 2 weeks, then for the rest of the students in march. more opportunities to take leave! maybe it's ORD mood, but i'm really feeling less excited to go to work now, because most classes feel low-energy and one-way. the sian feeling mostly wears off once i'm actually in the school building, so that's good. anyway, happy valentine's day! i hope you're spending it with someone you love, be it a partner, family, friends, or just yourself. self-love is important too, ok!?

-random thought of the day: So much food to clear before the trip.-

Isn't it great when things somehow line up? the 2 days of CNY this year were saturday and sunday, which means that monday (today) is a public holiday in singapore. yesterday was japan's founder's day, so we get today off too. completely unrelated, but nice! although there aren't any CNY celebrations here, i still feel an odd sense of solidarity since i'm not working for the same 3 days as people in singapore.

sadly, some things that didn't line up well were my job applications. got a rejection from the firm i had a significant amount of hope in. so much for the dragon year being my year and bringing me luck! ok, to be fair, the rejection came before CNY, so it's still counted as the previous lunar year. separately, the firm that re-rejected me confirmed that they wouldn't revisit my application this year, despite my new visa status and everything. the most annoying thing was that the HR person copy-pasted the EXACT rejection template she'd used earlier. no edits in view of the new info, nothing. it left a bad taste in my mouth. but would i apply for it next year, assuming (touch wood) that i haven't landed anything by then? ...yes. desperation, maybe.

apart from any new vacancies that appear in the coming months, this leaves one last firm that i have hope for in the UK. realistically speaking, my chances are low. but considering that they've been responsive in the recruitment process and encouraged me to apply again outside of their typical hiring season, i can't help but feel that there might be hope, and they want me to physically be in the UK or to have an expected arrival date before they extend an offer. of course, it could all be just to entertain (chinese - 应酬) me. i wouldn't know until they reject my application, and even then, it could be for a legitimate reason.

one JET friend said she likes to use the end-of-year reflective period to think about where she wants to be in 1, 3, 5, 10 years, and see if her life trajectory is taking her in that direction. this is probably an exercise that i should have done in the new year's post, but better late than never, right?

1 year later (february 2025, 36 years old): employed in an IP firm, preferably in the UK or in singapore as a second-best option. cycling to work and otherwise keeping active, spending some time socializing and dating. alternatively, working as a chemist for plan australia.

3 years later (february 2027, 38 years old): nearing the end of my visa term. if in the UK, successfully negotiated for visa sponsorship or already having it. finished a graduate diploma IP course, whether in singapore or the UK. if in singapore, be living on my own. ideally, passed at least 1 paper of the qualifying exams. maybe in a steady relationship. alternatively, working as a chemist while waiting on or having received the invitation to apply for australian PR.

5 years later (february 2029, 40 years old): on a skilled work visa in the UK, fully qualified as a patent attorney or taking the last exam. enjoying work, not super worried about finances. in a similar situation if in singapore. settled down with a partner, possibly looking into a civil union? alternatively, gained australian PR and working in an IP firm there.

10 years later (february 2034, 45 years old): climbing the ranks, maybe with some trainees of my own. taking a more managerial role, but still doing technical stuff now and then. having a peaceful, happy life outside of work. alternatively, doing the same thing, but in australia.

it's not super detailed, like i didn't include stuff about family and friends. but for now, this'll do. the 2 main takeaways that became really more apparent to me are: (1) plan australia contradicts me looking for an IP job now; and (2) i want to end up in IP more than i want to end up as a chemist. so...how can we reconcile all this? well, i guess the first thing is to recognize that the long-term/bigger goal is IP, which may necessitate taking some detours. next is to decide where i want to be based in the future. if it's the UK or singapore, then the current plan of looking for work in an IP firm is the way to go. if it's australia, then i should be focusing on getting chemist jobs now since that will count towards my skilled experience, whereas IP won't. and working in the UK will look better on my resume than working in singapore...at least, that's my impression.

i guess this is where the proverbial fork in the road is. and if i'm reading the situation right, rather than me actively making a choice, circumstances will choose the path for me. the updated plan is, i will try to apply to that last firm where i'm hoping to get hired. if they hire me, i guess plan australia will need to be reconsidered. in the more likely scenario that they don't hire me, i'll apply to chemist jobs in the UK. would i consider a postdoc position? hard to say...i'll leave it as a "maybe". then after working at that job for a year, i'll send in an expression of interest for australian PR and see where that takes me. for the record, i HATE all this uncertainty! i usually tell myself that it's an experience, that it's the journey more than the destination, but it gets me worried that i'll take too long, or worse, won't arrive at my intended destination at all. it would be so much simpler if the nankai earthquake happened while i was asleep and the earth just swallowed me up! again, i'm not suicidal. it's not suicide if it's out of my control, right? idle thought for possible further development: considering any other job outside of IP as a means to an end.

health-wise, i've not been very good. been sleeping late every day for the past 2-ish weeks. it's a consequence of imbalances in other areas of life, which are also causing me some stress. it's not even work-related, which is stupid. at the risk of going TMI, i'll just say that the biggest drawback about living in this rural place is that there are no dating (and other things) opportunities...literally zero. and maybe it's the thought of the coming big change, but i've become more affected by it, hence going on the internet to meet people. and some people live in different timezones. and then it becomes self-perpetuating; not enough sleep -> worse mood -> more desire to meet people to take mind off bad mood -> even less sleep...you get the idea. most most importantly, i need to remind myself that these internet things are casual. considering that the majority of people i talk to are not even in the same country, i'm not expecting a relationship to come out of this. which means i shouldn't be investing this much. and here i was thinking that we'd built at least some connection! it'll get better, i'm sure of it. just that the feeling sucks now.

hopefully this post will have gotten rid of most of my negative energy. i'll probably be better after a nice sleep. also in other things to look forward to, my nagoya trip is this sunday, and i'll be spending almost 5 days or so there, meeting a JET friend and a streaming friend. then, to fukuoka in mid-march to meet the former singaporean JET nearest to me. i forgot exactly, but i have about 14 leave days planned in march, and 12 leave days planned in april. the end is truly approaching. it's not all fun, games, and travel, though. i've got a bunch of cleaning and logistics to settle.

-random thought of the day: Get over it! There are more important things to tackle.-

Thinking more deeply about what i said in the last post, i realized it's not that i want time to pass faster. rather, i want things to happen quicker. sounds like a case of same difference, but it actually isn't. see, i'd be perfectly happy to wait until 30 april to go back to singapore. but i really want to settle the future job thing ASAP, so i can plan. because as it is now, i feel like i'm flying semi-blind and with outdated maps. all i know is that i'm set to leave japan on 30 april, and i have to be in the UK by 22 june. that gives me just over 6 weeks in singapore. i'm sure i'll be able to do whatever i need to in that time, plus plan in more detail for the UK.

but that's the issue...all i have now are dates, and only those dates! i don't even know if i'll land a job, and if i do, where it will be based! i suppose it would have to be in a major city, because i don't see small rural towns having a need for an IP firm. there are firms with offices in cambridge and oxford though, but i don't know if they count as towns or cities. or maybe the universities there need IP services. back to the point, there are still a ton of unknowns, and i don't like it.

one firm which i'd reapplied to re-rejected me, citing that they're unable to relook at rejected applicants in the same year. and my first response was "why the hell not!?" isn't that an arbitrary rule they made up? i sent them a reply emphasizing my new visa status. not expecting much, but i'd be pleasantly surprised if they agreed to reconsider my application.

at my last count, i have slightly more than 20 working days left. you'd think that that would mean that i would be just coasting along and marking off the days. but i'm not. aside from eiken practice, i've also started to notice that one of the kids in the smaller school is quite...hostile(?) to me. nothing super bad, but i get the impression that he doesn't want me around. i just wish i knew why! my top guess is because i'm a foreigner, but even that has gaps in logic. i should probably state that i'm not going to try and change his opinion, but i'd at least like to know the reason for his thinking. i find following rational thoughts to be comforting. and even if i don't agree, i can see the logic and understand the reason for a certain behaviour. and also, irrational/inexplicable behaviour unsettles me a bit - think psychopaths - because i can't understand it. i remember reading a story of someone hurting another person (like smashing their head into a glass panel or something) because they wanted to feel what causing pain was like. that's too deep for this post, i think. maybe i'll expand on it in the future. as for that kid, my plan is to talk to the teachers. my japanese isn't good enough to say "stop with that CB attitude; i couldn't care less if you lived or died", so i'll see if the teachers can put it across more diplomatically.

-random thought of the day: Haven't been cycling at all since the term started!-

February's here! doesn't feel that long since i was down with COVID, but here we are almost a month later. i've still got some food left over from the osaka/kobe trip (one bak zhang, to be exact, plus some pastes and spices), and some ingredients. shouldn't have any trouble finishing them off. the plan is to finish the food before my next trip, which is in a bit more than 2 weeks. this time, i'm going to nagoya, to meet one of the JETs based there, as well as a japanese streamer friend. it'll be my first time there, and i'm looking forward to it!

recently, i've been feeling a bit restless and wishing for time to pass faster. it's kind of irrational, because having more time is a good thing. also because i actually need the time to settle the remaining outstanding things that i have left. i'm going to try to get things done little by little - packing up my clothes, for example, starting with things that i am not likely to use. i should also figure out suitcase allocation. have i mentioned that i'm going to try to bring my futon and huge thick blanket back? seems like a waste of luggage space (it probably is) but i figured that the odds of finding a second-hand buyer for them would be low. i might take them to the UK to get the most value out of them, who knows?

today, i did something that i should have done a while ago. back in november or so last year, i got in touch with a UK recruitment firm which specializes in placements in the IP industry. they were unable to help with my specific case, but they did pass on a list of IP firms to me. although i'd applied to about 60% of the firms on that list already, i decided to get a bit smarter about it. so what i did was cross-reference the list of prospective employers with a list of approved sponsors provided by the UK government, to get a list of firms where i should focus my efforts. good news is, the 3 top choice firms now are all on this list, and there are several other firms that i haven't contacted yet. so that's something that will help me kill time in the future - sending out more applications! there are also a couple of law firms with IP departments, but i'm not too sure how the quality of training will be like in those places. if possible, i'd like a dedicated IP firm.

so far, there's been nothing heard from singapore. i decided to check in on the law firm, and saw a new profile on their website. yet, their job ad is still up. makes me wonder if they're expanding, or if they'd simply forgotten to take the ad down. of course, the person could have been hired a while ago, and only had their profile put up on the website only after they'd passed probation. whatever the case, it looks like my odds won't be that good since the new person is a chemist too. ah well. maybe it's a sign that the UK is the right next step for me.

got tomorrow off as well, so that's the perfect time to start some small packing and rubbish disposal. not forgetting to take pictures of things to sell too. hopefully some things sell; having more money would be nice.

-random thought of the day: Sleep schedule is messed up.-