Got back from the town festival in time for raid tonight, but i couldn't focus and ended up killing the group a few times. it's partially due to lack of sleep, and mostly due to some feelings that the festival brought about.

the reason for my lack of sleep is that i participated in the actual festival, which took place from midnight to 4am last night/this morning. i was part of an 8-man team that took turns carrying and hitting a huge japanese drum until we reached the shrine. there was a lot of waiting and doing nothing, which caused my efficiency-driven singaporean brain to protest. but then it's a festival, and the goal is not so much getting the drum to the shrine, but creating a lively and well, festive, atmosphere to suit the occasion. that also resulted in me being dead on my feet for school today. it was the primary school, to boot. thankfully everyone was understanding and didn't call me out too much when i wasn't at 100%.

if i had to pinpoint it, i'd say that i first had an abnormal feeling during the drum transportation. see, there are some chants and songs used to liven the atmosphere, and not being from around these parts, i naturally didn't know them. to be honest, i still don't know the words now, but a colleague from the town hall was kind enough to explain the gist of the whole song. it's basically a fight chant/cheer. the equivalent in a singaporean context would be something like "*name of town* pak buay toh! pak buay toh!". the feeling that i got went something along the lines of "i'll never fit in completely here". i get by on my half-assed japanese language skills, but in terms of understanding the culture and references, i've still got a long way to go. it also made me a little...envious(?) that the kids can grow up in this kind of environment. don't get me wrong, i am extremely grateful for my singaporean education and upbringing, and i wouldn't trade the experiences i have for the experience of growing up in japan. i guess it's another layer of clarity, that while the people in the town hall and the various schools treat me extremely well and take excellent care of me, i'm still an outsider. and there's nothing wrong with that. i actually wonder how the foreign postdocs i've worked with view their time in singapore. in particular, my russian postdoc, who went all out in assimilating into the culture while she was with the lab. i often joke that she's more singaporean than me!

next abnormal feeling was tonight, when i went to the shrine, where various stalls had been set up. it's basically a pasar malam. i met a lot of the kids i'm currently teaching, and as a nice surprise, i also met some of my graduated kids. it hasn't even been half a year since we parted ways, but i can see that they've matured a little. funny thing, i don't miss them as much as i thought i would. maybe it's because of my current sec 1 class. i think every teacher has that one class that they get along mega well with, and would go way above and beyond for. don't know for sure, but i think my predecessor's "that one class" was the class of 5 girls that graduated shortly after i came in. i can see why they're special, but we were more cordial/friendly than super close in the one term that i taught them. there is no doubt that this sec 1 class is "that one class" for me. the runner-up by a decently wide margin is the sec 2 class in the other school, and no other class even comes close after that. the odd feeling here was the reminder that this isn't forever. even if i max out my JET term and find a way to stay in the town after that, the kids will move on to bigger and better things. and when that happens, i should be happy for them. for now, i'll enjoy the time we have together.

"melancholy" probably sums up this feeling best. it's compounded by the realization that i gained another 2kg since the last weigh-in! definitely need to make some lifestyle changes. good thing is that the evenings/nights are getting cooler. might try night cycling, once i build up enough confidence. before any of that though, sleep. i have a massive sleep debt to pay off.

-random thought of the day: Early raid tomorrow.-